All language subtitles for Episodes (2011) - S04E05 - Episode Five (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Ghost)_Track03

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:11,959 [keys clacking] 2 00:00:11,959 --> 00:00:13,458 - SOMETHING FROM TIM WHITTICK. 3 00:00:13,458 --> 00:00:14,959 - HE CALLS ME YOKO. 4 00:00:14,959 --> 00:00:16,375 - HE DOESN'T CALL YOU YOKO. 5 00:00:16,375 --> 00:00:19,417 - EVERY TIME HE SEES ME, HE SOMEHOW MANAGES 6 00:00:19,417 --> 00:00:22,834 TO WORK THE WORD "ONO" INTO THE CONVERSATION. 7 00:00:22,834 --> 00:00:24,542 - OH, NO. 8 00:00:24,542 --> 00:00:27,500 - SO I READ THROUGH THOSE NOTES FROM THAT TIM GUY, 9 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,417 AND I RAN THEM PAST LEGAL. 10 00:00:29,417 --> 00:00:30,625 - AND? 11 00:00:30,625 --> 00:00:32,834 - YOU HAVE A LEGAL PROBLEM. 12 00:00:32,834 --> 00:00:34,000 - BLOODY HELL. 13 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,625 - HE WANTS TO RUN THE SHOW WITH YOU. 14 00:00:35,625 --> 00:00:37,500 - I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA MAKE THIS GO AWAY? 15 00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:39,000 - SO DID I. 16 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,208 - IF YOU MAINTAIN YOUR CURRENT RATE OF SPENDING, 17 00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:44,625 YOU'LL RUN OUT OF MONEY BY THE TIME YOU GET HERE. 18 00:00:44,625 --> 00:00:47,291 - 2019? 19 00:00:47,291 --> 00:00:49,250 FUCK YOU. 20 00:00:52,125 --> 00:00:54,583 [keys clacking] 21 00:01:02,542 --> 00:01:05,583 [wind blows] 22 00:01:05,583 --> 00:01:08,458 [quirky music] 23 00:01:08,458 --> 00:01:16,542 ♪ ♪ 24 00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:34,041 [gunshot] 25 00:01:44,208 --> 00:01:46,542 - [whistling] [cell phone playing tune] 26 00:01:46,542 --> 00:01:48,083 [groans] 27 00:01:48,083 --> 00:01:50,375 YO. - IT'S BOB. 28 00:01:50,375 --> 00:01:52,250 - IF YOU DON'T HAVE GOOD NEWS, I'M HANGING UP. 29 00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:53,875 - ALL RIGHT. BE WELL. 30 00:01:53,875 --> 00:01:55,917 - OH, FUCK. WHAT? 31 00:01:55,917 --> 00:01:59,834 - APPARENTLY PENZEL STOPPED PAYING YOUR TAXES 32 00:01:59,834 --> 00:02:01,125 FOUR YEARS AGO. 33 00:02:01,125 --> 00:02:03,041 - BULLSHIT. I SIGNED THE RETURNS. 34 00:02:03,041 --> 00:02:04,166 I SIGNED THE CHECKS. 35 00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:05,875 - THEN HE SHREDDED THE RETURNS, 36 00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,125 CASHED THE CHECKS, AND TOOK THE MONEY. 37 00:02:08,125 --> 00:02:10,625 I'VE BEEN ON WITH THE IRS ALL MORNING. 38 00:02:10,625 --> 00:02:11,667 - HOW MUCH? 39 00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:13,709 - $7.9 MILLION. 40 00:02:13,709 --> 00:02:15,500 - JESUS. 41 00:02:15,500 --> 00:02:16,458 - YEP. 42 00:02:16,458 --> 00:02:18,083 - NOW WHAT? 43 00:02:18,083 --> 00:02:19,709 - NOW WE DO WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE DONE 44 00:02:19,709 --> 00:02:20,917 IN THE FIRST PLACE. 45 00:02:20,917 --> 00:02:23,959 - NO, NO. NO, NOT THE PLANE. 46 00:02:23,959 --> 00:02:26,583 - OH, THE PLANE'S NOT EVEN A QUESTION. 47 00:02:26,583 --> 00:02:30,291 WE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE CARS, THE BEACH HOUSE, 48 00:02:30,291 --> 00:02:35,792 THE PLACE IN CABO, THE WATCHES, THE RESTAURANT, 49 00:02:35,792 --> 00:02:40,250 THE BOAT, THE DINOSAUR EGG... 50 00:02:42,917 --> 00:02:44,333 - MM. 51 00:02:44,333 --> 00:02:46,500 - YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR NUTS GOT KICKED IN THE NUTS. 52 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,959 - FINANCIAL SHIT. 53 00:02:49,959 --> 00:02:52,375 - OKAY, I HAD AN IDEA. 54 00:02:52,375 --> 00:02:54,125 AND BEFORE YOU SAY NO, I THINK IT COULD BE 55 00:02:54,125 --> 00:02:56,041 VERY LUCRATIVE FOR BOTH OF US. 56 00:02:56,041 --> 00:02:58,709 - WHAT? - SEX TAPE. 57 00:02:58,709 --> 00:03:00,792 - [scoffs] YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY. 58 00:03:00,792 --> 00:03:01,834 - YOU REMEMBER MINE? 59 00:03:01,834 --> 00:03:04,834 - I MAY HAVE JERKED OFF TO IT. 60 00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:06,875 - IT WAS GOOD, RIGHT? - GOOD ENOUGH. 61 00:03:06,875 --> 00:03:08,125 - I MADE ENOUGH FROM THAT ONE TAPE 62 00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:09,417 TO MOVE TO BRENTWOOD, 63 00:03:09,417 --> 00:03:11,250 AND THAT WAS JUST ME AND SOME BLACK GUY. 64 00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:12,625 IMAGINE... 65 00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,959 - I'M NOT MAKING A SEX TAPE WITH YOU. 66 00:03:14,959 --> 00:03:18,000 - I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT NOW. 67 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,709 I STILL HAVE THE ONE FROM... 68 00:03:19,709 --> 00:03:21,959 - FROM WHAT? 69 00:03:21,959 --> 00:03:23,125 - IS THIS YOU BEING FUNNY? 70 00:03:23,125 --> 00:03:25,166 - NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 71 00:03:25,166 --> 00:03:26,458 - SERIOUSLY? 72 00:03:26,458 --> 00:03:28,875 - WHAT, US? - YEAH, US. 73 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,208 - COME ON. - WOW. 74 00:03:31,208 --> 00:03:33,709 FORGET IT. - NO, TELL ME. 75 00:03:33,709 --> 00:03:35,333 WHEN? - YEARS AGO. 76 00:03:35,333 --> 00:03:36,834 - WHAT, LIKE, BEFORE FRIENDS? 77 00:03:36,834 --> 00:03:38,000 - YEAH, BEFORE FRIENDS. 78 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,166 I WAS THE FAMOUS ONE. 79 00:03:39,166 --> 00:03:41,375 I WAS KELLY. YOU WERE NOBODY. 80 00:03:41,375 --> 00:03:43,500 AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME? 81 00:03:48,041 --> 00:03:49,375 - NO. 82 00:03:49,375 --> 00:03:50,917 - DICK. 83 00:03:54,417 --> 00:03:56,125 - BY THE WAY, THIS LUNCH IS ON ME. 84 00:03:56,125 --> 00:03:59,208 - ABSOLUTELY NOT. WE INVITED YOU. 85 00:03:59,208 --> 00:04:01,667 - WELL, I APPRECIATE THAT, SINCE I DID NOT BRING ANY MONEY. 86 00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:03,083 [laughter] I'M NOT JOKING. 87 00:04:03,083 --> 00:04:05,542 I'LL ALSO NEED $10 FOR THE VALET, SO... 88 00:04:05,542 --> 00:04:06,500 [laughter] 89 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:07,792 STILL NOT JOKING, BUT ALL RIGHT. 90 00:04:07,792 --> 00:04:10,792 A TOAST TO... THE THREE OF US. 91 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,458 - OH, YEAH. WELL, LOOK, HERE'S THE THING. 92 00:04:12,458 --> 00:04:14,375 THE THREE OF US WORKING TOGETHER? 93 00:04:14,375 --> 00:04:16,000 REALLY? - [chuckles] 94 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,583 - REALLY? 95 00:04:17,583 --> 00:04:20,500 - THAT'S THE WORST TOAST EVER. - [laughs] 96 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:24,417 SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S A BIT UNTENABLE. 97 00:04:24,417 --> 00:04:25,959 - NOT TO ME. 98 00:04:25,959 --> 00:04:28,083 BUT SINCE I WAS PART OF THIS PROJECT FIRST, 99 00:04:28,083 --> 00:04:30,250 IF YOU WANT TO STEP ASIDE, 100 00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:33,792 I WOULD TOTALLY SUPPORT THAT. 101 00:04:33,792 --> 00:04:37,834 - WELL, I'M NOT STEPPING ANYWHERE. 102 00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:41,625 - OH, NO? 103 00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:42,834 - OKAY, YOU HEARD IT AGAIN, RIGHT? 104 00:04:42,834 --> 00:04:44,333 - I DID. - WHAT? 105 00:04:44,333 --> 00:04:47,750 - HONESTLY, WE CAN'T ALL DO IT TOGETHER. 106 00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:49,041 YOU KNOW THAT. 107 00:04:49,041 --> 00:04:50,750 - I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. 108 00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:53,375 - LOOK, WE BOTH APPRECIATE-- 109 00:04:53,375 --> 00:04:57,208 - YEAH, I DON'T THINK YOU APPRECIATE FUCK ALL. 110 00:04:57,208 --> 00:04:58,792 I'VE BEEN HANGING ON TO THIS BUSINESS 111 00:04:58,792 --> 00:05:01,291 BY MY DAMN FINGERNAILS. 112 00:05:01,291 --> 00:05:02,500 THREE WEEKS AGO, I WAS THIS CLOSE 113 00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:04,041 TO JUNKING THE WHOLE BLOODY THING 114 00:05:04,041 --> 00:05:05,625 AND GOING TO WORK FOR MY BROTHER IN WATFORD, 115 00:05:05,625 --> 00:05:08,709 CLEANING UP CRIME SCENES AND SUICIDES. 116 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,375 THIS IS MY CHANCE 117 00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:14,417 TO NOT BE WIPING BRAINS OFF A WALL. 118 00:05:14,417 --> 00:05:16,959 FINALLY, I HAVE A TV SHOW-- 119 00:05:16,959 --> 00:05:20,458 A BIG, FAT AMERICAN TV SHOW-- 120 00:05:20,458 --> 00:05:23,291 AND EILEEN SAYS THAT IF IT TAKES OFF-- 121 00:05:23,291 --> 00:05:24,500 - WAIT. I'M--I'M SORRY. 122 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,208 EILEEN? 123 00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:28,458 - OH, YEAH. I SIGNED WITH EILEEN. 124 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,709 - EILEEN IS YOUR AGENT? 125 00:05:30,709 --> 00:05:33,750 - RIGHT. - OUR EILEEN IS YOUR EILEEN? 126 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,375 - YEAH. 127 00:05:35,375 --> 00:05:38,750 - ANYONE CARE TO WIPE MY BRAINS OFF THE WALL? 128 00:05:38,750 --> 00:05:40,583 - EILEEN JAFFEE'S OFFICE. 129 00:05:40,583 --> 00:05:42,000 - IT'S SEAN AND BEVERLY LINCOLN. 130 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,000 IS SHE THERE? - LET ME CHECK. 131 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,125 YOU'RE ON WITH EILEEN. 132 00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:48,000 - HI, GUYS. 133 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,750 - YOU SIGNED TIM? 134 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,166 - I SIGNED HIM WHO? 135 00:05:51,166 --> 00:05:53,083 - NOT "HIM," TIM. 136 00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:55,583 - OH, YES. - SERIOUSLY? 137 00:05:55,583 --> 00:05:58,083 YOU DON'T SEE THIS AS A POTENTIAL CONFLICT OF INTEREST? 138 00:05:58,083 --> 00:06:01,333 - NOT YET. - IT'S UNCONSCIONABLE. 139 00:06:01,333 --> 00:06:03,000 - HONEY, I'M ABOUT TO LOSE YOU. 140 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,375 I'M ON A PLANE, AND WE'RE TAKING OFF. 141 00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:06,458 - WHERE YOU GOING? 142 00:06:06,458 --> 00:06:07,875 - UM... 143 00:06:07,875 --> 00:06:09,959 [line beeps] 144 00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:16,208 - OKAY, THE CHATEAU MARMONT? 145 00:06:16,208 --> 00:06:18,834 ALAN THICKE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY? 146 00:06:18,834 --> 00:06:23,083 WE WENT BACK TO MY PLACE, AND I BLEW YOU IN MY HOT TUB! 147 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,208 - JESUS. 148 00:06:25,208 --> 00:06:27,333 I WAS AT ALAN THICKE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY? 149 00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:28,959 - [growls] 150 00:06:28,959 --> 00:06:30,291 - WHAT WAS THAT? 151 00:06:30,291 --> 00:06:31,709 - SHE'S GOT IT IN HER HEAD THAT WE-- 152 00:06:31,709 --> 00:06:33,125 - IT HAPPENED! 153 00:06:33,125 --> 00:06:36,375 [cell phone playing tune] 154 00:06:36,375 --> 00:06:38,500 - HELLO? - HI, HONEY. 155 00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:39,792 QUICK QUESTION-- 156 00:06:39,792 --> 00:06:43,125 WE JUST HEARD ABOUT THIS TIM PERSON. 157 00:06:43,125 --> 00:06:44,625 - WHAT? 158 00:06:44,625 --> 00:06:46,709 - EILEEN SAYS HE'S GOING TO BE RUNNING THE SHOW 159 00:06:46,709 --> 00:06:49,208 WITH YOU GUYS? - BLOODY EILEEN. 160 00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:50,959 - WAS SHE KIDDING? - [mouths word] 161 00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:52,583 - [whispering] BEVERLY. 162 00:06:52,583 --> 00:06:54,375 - I WISH. HE'S SEAN'S EX-PARTNER. 163 00:06:54,375 --> 00:06:56,875 OH, GOD, IT'S TOO UPSETTING TO EVEN TALK ABOUT. 164 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,333 - WELL, WE'RE GONNA NEED TO MEET HIM. 165 00:06:59,333 --> 00:07:01,542 - YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT MEET HIM. 166 00:07:01,542 --> 00:07:04,083 - IF HE'S GONNA BE PART OF THE SHOW... 167 00:07:04,083 --> 00:07:07,000 - HOPEFULLY A VERY, VERY SMALL PART. 168 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,375 - UH-HUH. 169 00:07:08,375 --> 00:07:10,417 - SEAN AND I ARE TRYING TO KEEP HIS INVOLVEMENT 170 00:07:10,417 --> 00:07:12,667 TO AN ABSOLUTE MINIMUM. 171 00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:14,250 - MM. 172 00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:16,917 - I AM BEGGING YOU, DO NOT MEET WITH HIM. 173 00:07:16,917 --> 00:07:18,417 IT WILL ONLY INFLATE 174 00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:20,417 HIS ALREADY RIDICULOUS SENSE OF IMPORTANCE. 175 00:07:20,417 --> 00:07:22,375 - GREAT. WE'LL SET UP A MEETING. 176 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,792 TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE-BYE. 177 00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:27,417 - BUT-- 178 00:07:28,667 --> 00:07:30,000 - YOU SEEM A LITTLE STRESSED, BUD. 179 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,750 - [scoffs] YOU THINK? 180 00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:33,125 - THE PENZEL THING? 181 00:07:33,125 --> 00:07:35,208 - IT'S LIKE THE PERFECT STORM, 182 00:07:35,208 --> 00:07:36,792 IF THE STORM WAS MADE OF SHIT. 183 00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:38,917 - WELL, IF IT'S ANY HELP, LUNCH IS ON ME. 184 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,500 - LUNCH IS ALWAYS ON YOU. 185 00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:42,458 WHAT'D HELP IS A JOB. YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE? 186 00:07:42,458 --> 00:07:43,875 - [chuckling] HEY, I'M NOT A MAGICIAN. 187 00:07:43,875 --> 00:07:46,166 - YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER PULL SOMETHING OUT OF YOUR ASS. 188 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,166 - WHAT MAGIC SHOWS DID YOU GO TO? 189 00:07:48,166 --> 00:07:50,083 - YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE? 190 00:07:50,083 --> 00:07:51,750 - NOT NOTHING. THINGS COME YOUR WAY. 191 00:07:51,750 --> 00:07:53,208 BUT I TRY TO BE SELECTIVE. 192 00:07:53,208 --> 00:07:54,750 I DON'T WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME WITH SHIT. 193 00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:58,083 - WASTE MY TIME. TELL ME. 194 00:07:58,083 --> 00:08:00,959 - OKAY, THERE'S A THING I JUST GOT A CALL ON. 195 00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:02,417 - YEAH? 196 00:08:02,417 --> 00:08:04,000 - NORMALLY, I WOULDN'T EVEN THINK 197 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,166 OF BRINGING THIS TO YOU. - BRING IT. WHAT'S THE SHOW? 198 00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:07,625 - NOT A SHOW. - MOVIE? 199 00:08:07,625 --> 00:08:09,875 - NOT EXACTLY. IT'S... 200 00:08:09,875 --> 00:08:11,500 A PARTY. 201 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:13,792 - ARE YOU SHITTING ME? YOU'RE BRINGING ME A PARTY? 202 00:08:13,792 --> 00:08:15,291 - SEE, THIS IS WHY I SCREEN STUFF. 203 00:08:15,291 --> 00:08:18,291 - [sighs] WHAT KIND OF PARTY? 204 00:08:18,291 --> 00:08:20,125 - IT'S A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR THE HEAD OF STATE 205 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,750 OF A COUNTRY IN CENTRAL ASIA. 206 00:08:21,750 --> 00:08:23,375 HE'S TURNING 50, AND HE'S OFFERING 207 00:08:23,375 --> 00:08:26,417 TO PAY $500,000 FOR YOU TO BE THERE. 208 00:08:26,417 --> 00:08:28,917 - HALF A MILLION TO SHOW UP AT A PARTY? 209 00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:30,291 - YEP. 210 00:08:30,291 --> 00:08:32,250 - WHY WOULD YOU NOT BRING ME THIS? 211 00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:36,083 - UM, HIS REGIME IS SOMEWHAT IFFY... 212 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,333 TORTURE-WISE. 213 00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:38,458 - HUH. 214 00:08:38,458 --> 00:08:40,542 - YOU EVER HEARD OF KHARAKISTAN? - NO. 215 00:08:40,542 --> 00:08:43,166 - HE'S THE "BUTCHER" OF KHARAKISTAN. 216 00:08:43,166 --> 00:08:44,583 - AND HE WANTS ME AT HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY? 217 00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:46,834 - APPARENTLY HE'S A HUGE FRIENDS FAN. 218 00:08:46,834 --> 00:08:48,917 LOVES THE SHOW. JOEY'S HIS FAVORITE. 219 00:08:48,917 --> 00:08:50,417 - AW. 220 00:08:50,417 --> 00:08:52,041 - NOW, KEEP IN MIND, HE'S WIDELY CONSIDERED 221 00:08:52,041 --> 00:08:54,333 TO BE AMONG THE WORST DICTATORS ON THE PLANET. 222 00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,125 - OKAY. - HE'S A WAR CRIMINAL. 223 00:08:56,125 --> 00:08:59,166 HE'S BEEN ACCUSED OF UNSPEAKABLE ATROCITIES. 224 00:08:59,166 --> 00:09:00,709 ON THE PLUS SIDE, 225 00:09:00,709 --> 00:09:03,875 HE WOULD SEND HIS PRIVATE PLANE FOR YOU. 226 00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:05,291 - HMM. 227 00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:07,333 - ALSO, YOU CAN BRING AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU WANT. 228 00:09:07,333 --> 00:09:09,041 - SO WHO ELSE IS GOING TO THIS THING? 229 00:09:09,041 --> 00:09:11,375 - THEY'VE REACHED OUT TO A NUMBER OF OUR CLIENTS. 230 00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:13,041 - LIKE WHO? - I CAN'T SAY... 231 00:09:13,041 --> 00:09:15,041 JUST LIKE I WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE THAT YOU WERE GOING. 232 00:09:15,041 --> 00:09:16,291 - LET ME ASK YOU THIS. 233 00:09:16,291 --> 00:09:18,041 WOULD I BE THE BIGGEST NAME THERE? 234 00:09:18,041 --> 00:09:20,750 - MM, PROBABLY IN TELEVISION. - SO FEATURE PEOPLE? 235 00:09:20,750 --> 00:09:22,417 - OH, YEAH. IT'S A BIG DEAL. 236 00:09:22,417 --> 00:09:24,458 HE IS SPENDING MILLIONS ON THIS THING. 237 00:09:24,458 --> 00:09:26,125 HE'S GOT OPRAH'S PARTY PLANNER. 238 00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:28,458 THEY'RE FLYING IN CHANDELIERS FROM AUSTRIA. 239 00:09:28,458 --> 00:09:29,709 - WOW. 240 00:09:29,709 --> 00:09:31,875 - ON THE OTHER HAND-- FULL DISCLOSURE-- 241 00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:33,583 HE KILLED 11,000 PEOPLE... 242 00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:34,875 IN JANUARY. 243 00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:37,041 - THIS JANUARY? - YES. 244 00:09:37,041 --> 00:09:39,917 - GOT YA. 245 00:09:39,917 --> 00:09:41,750 WHAT WOULD I HAVE TO DO AT THIS THING? 246 00:09:41,750 --> 00:09:44,083 - JUST SHOW UP, SCHMOOZE A LITTLE. 247 00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:47,083 THERE MIGHT BE A GROUP OF YOU SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 248 00:09:47,083 --> 00:09:48,333 - WHAT LANGUAGE? 249 00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:51,750 - OH, ENGLISH. HE WENT TO B.U. 250 00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:54,166 - SO HOW ARE THINGS COMING WITH THE SHOW? 251 00:09:54,166 --> 00:09:55,750 - AH, TERRIFIC. 252 00:09:55,750 --> 00:09:57,875 I'VE BEEN TO HOLLAND TWICE TO SEE HOW THEY DO IT. 253 00:09:57,875 --> 00:09:59,583 - WOW. GOOD FOR YOU. 254 00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:01,166 - YOU EVER BEEN? - NO, NO. 255 00:10:01,166 --> 00:10:03,458 DID YOU GET TO SEE THE TULIPS? - [chuckles] 256 00:10:03,458 --> 00:10:05,083 YOU CAN'T FUCKING MISS THE TULIPS. 257 00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:07,917 IT'S LIKE YELLOW TULIPS, RED TULIPS, PURPLE TULIPS. 258 00:10:07,917 --> 00:10:09,083 ENOUGH WITH THE TULIPS. 259 00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:10,750 WE GET IT. YOU'RE HOLLAND. 260 00:10:10,750 --> 00:10:12,417 - SURE. - AND HOOKERS. 261 00:10:12,417 --> 00:10:14,875 EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, TULIPS AND HOOKERS. 262 00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:17,291 [chuckles] - RIGHT. OKAY. 263 00:10:17,291 --> 00:10:21,208 SO, UH, WE GOT YOUR LIST OF POTENTIAL HOSTS. 264 00:10:21,208 --> 00:10:23,417 - GREAT. WHAT DO YOU THINK? 265 00:10:23,417 --> 00:10:26,709 - WELL, UH, JUST SO YOU KNOW, 266 00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:28,834 BERT CONVY IS DEAD. 267 00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:30,125 - JESUS. 268 00:10:30,125 --> 00:10:31,959 NO. WHEN? 269 00:10:31,959 --> 00:10:33,750 - UM, 1991. 270 00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:35,792 - OH, WELL, THAT'S A SHAME. 271 00:10:35,792 --> 00:10:37,750 HE'D HAVE BEEN GREAT. - YEAH. 272 00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,125 ALSO, RICHARD DAWSON IS DEAD. 273 00:10:40,125 --> 00:10:41,458 - COME ON. 274 00:10:41,458 --> 00:10:42,959 - AND GUY SMILEY IS A PUPPET 275 00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:45,208 ON SESAME STREET. 276 00:10:45,208 --> 00:10:47,125 - [sighs] WOW. 277 00:10:47,125 --> 00:10:49,166 CLEARLY GOOGLE IS NOT MY FRIEND. 278 00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:50,250 - CLEARLY. [both laugh] 279 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,041 SO WE'LL NEED A NEW LIST. 280 00:10:52,041 --> 00:10:54,208 - YOU GOT IT. AND NOBODY DEAD. 281 00:10:54,208 --> 00:10:56,166 - THAT WOULD HELP. [both laugh] 282 00:10:56,166 --> 00:10:59,250 ALL RIGHTY. 283 00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:01,125 - SO HOW'S IT GOING HERE WITH HELEN? 284 00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:03,083 - OH, SHE'S TERRIFIC. 285 00:11:03,083 --> 00:11:04,417 - YEAH? YOU LIKE WORKING UNDER HER? 286 00:11:04,417 --> 00:11:06,000 OR ARE YOU ON TOP? 287 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,792 - WHAT? 288 00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,291 - "WHAT?" 289 00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:11,667 - [laughs] I-I DON'T-- 290 00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:13,667 I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THAT, BUT-- 291 00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:15,417 - FINE, FINE, FINE, FINE. WHATEVER YOU SAY. 292 00:11:15,417 --> 00:11:16,875 BUT FYI... [clicks tongue] 293 00:11:16,875 --> 00:11:20,583 GOOD FOR YOU. THAT IS ONE HUNK OF WOMAN. 294 00:11:20,583 --> 00:11:22,625 - OH. CAN WE PLEASE DROP THIS? 295 00:11:22,625 --> 00:11:23,917 - IT'S DROPPED. IT'S DROPPED. 296 00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,333 I JUST GET A KICK OUT OF KNOWING 297 00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:27,333 THAT YOU AND I DRANK FROM THE SAME WELL. 298 00:11:27,333 --> 00:11:29,083 - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 299 00:11:29,083 --> 00:11:31,083 - AH, I'M SORRY I EVEN SAID ANYTHING. 300 00:11:31,083 --> 00:11:32,709 - YOU AND HELEN? 301 00:11:32,709 --> 00:11:34,500 - YEAH, IT WAS BACK WHEN SHE WORKED FOR ME. 302 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:37,250 IT WAS JUST ONE NIGHT, BUT OOH. 303 00:11:37,250 --> 00:11:38,500 SHE'S A WILD ONE 304 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,667 WITH THAT LITTLE SWASTIKA DOWN THERE. 305 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:44,208 - WHAT? - COME ON, YOU KNOW. 306 00:11:44,208 --> 00:11:46,583 THAT LITTLE SWASTIKA TATTOO? 307 00:11:46,583 --> 00:11:48,333 - THAT'S A FLOWER. 308 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,583 - OH. 309 00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:50,959 YEAH, IT WAS PRETTY DARK, 310 00:11:50,959 --> 00:11:52,417 AND I HADN'T HAD MY LASIK YET. 311 00:11:52,417 --> 00:11:54,834 - YEAH, NOT A SWASTIKA. 312 00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:56,375 - THAT'S A RELIEF. [chuckles] 313 00:11:56,375 --> 00:11:59,834 I GOT TO SAY, IT MADE ME A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE. 314 00:11:59,834 --> 00:12:02,750 - THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE. 315 00:12:02,750 --> 00:12:04,583 - FUNNY, 'CAUSE IT'S MAKING ME A LITTLE HOT. 316 00:12:04,583 --> 00:12:05,667 - IT'S NOT HOT. 317 00:12:05,667 --> 00:12:07,667 - IT'S KIND OF HOT. - NO. 318 00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:09,917 - COME ON, IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE THREE OF US WERE TOGETHER. 319 00:12:09,917 --> 00:12:11,709 - IT'S NOT LIKE THAT. - IT'S SORT OF LIKE THAT. 320 00:12:11,709 --> 00:12:13,041 - NOT EVEN A LITTLE. 321 00:12:13,041 --> 00:12:14,500 - TELL THAT TO WHAT'S IN MY HEAD. 322 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,375 - I CAN'T CONTROL THE SHIT IN THERE. 323 00:12:16,375 --> 00:12:18,834 - NO, YOU CANNOT. - WELL, THANKS FOR COMING IN. 324 00:12:18,834 --> 00:12:20,959 - MY PLEASURE. [chuckles] 325 00:12:20,959 --> 00:12:23,333 AND I MEAN THAT. 326 00:12:26,625 --> 00:12:28,792 - THEY'RE SAYING I CAN BRING ANYONE I WANT. 327 00:12:28,792 --> 00:12:31,792 - WELL, THIS IS EXCITING. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 328 00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:34,834 - AND HE'S FLYING US THERE ON HIS PRIVATE PLANE? 329 00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:36,291 - HE'S A FAN. 330 00:12:36,291 --> 00:12:38,000 - I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THIS COUNTRY. 331 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,417 - IT'S GONNA BE FUN. IT'S A WHOLE THREE-DAY THING. 332 00:12:40,417 --> 00:12:43,166 THERE'S OPTIONAL TOURS TO, LIKE, ANCIENT TEMPLES, 333 00:12:43,166 --> 00:12:45,500 OR YOU CAN VISIT A URANIUM MINE. 334 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:47,959 - OH, MY GOD. - WHAT? 335 00:12:47,959 --> 00:12:50,709 - ARE YOU AWARE THAT THIS MAN IS A MASS MURDERER? 336 00:12:50,709 --> 00:12:53,959 - UH, YEAH, I'VE HEARD SOME MIXED THINGS. 337 00:12:53,959 --> 00:12:55,542 - LET ME SEE. 338 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:59,625 - HE HAS KILLED HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. 339 00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:01,917 - SO I GUESS THE PARTY WON'T BE TOO CROWDED. 340 00:13:01,917 --> 00:13:04,875 - JESUS CHRIST, HE SLAUGHTERED 11,000 PEOPLE IN-- 341 00:13:04,875 --> 00:13:06,917 - IN JANUARY. YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. 342 00:13:06,917 --> 00:13:10,750 - HOW CAN YOU GO TO THIS MURDERER'S BIRTHDAY PARTY? 343 00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:12,083 - WHO'S HAVING A PARTY? 344 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,959 - ACCORDING TO THE HAGUE, 345 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:17,375 HIS REGIME IS SECOND ONLY TO NORTH KOREA 346 00:13:17,375 --> 00:13:18,750 IN ITS HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATIONS. 347 00:13:18,750 --> 00:13:21,792 - OH, YOU GOT INVITED TO THAT? - UH-HUH. 348 00:13:21,792 --> 00:13:24,375 - YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING THIS? 349 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,500 IT'S ENDORSING EVIL. 350 00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:28,291 IT'S MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE. 351 00:13:28,291 --> 00:13:30,291 - IT'S THREE DAYS. - HOW MUCH ARE YOU GETTING? 352 00:13:30,291 --> 00:13:32,166 - $500,000. - NICE. 353 00:13:32,166 --> 00:13:33,917 - HE'S PAYING YOU? YOU NEVER MENTIONED THAT. 354 00:13:33,917 --> 00:13:36,166 THAT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE. - OR BETTER. 355 00:13:36,166 --> 00:13:38,125 - GOD, TIMES HAVE CHANGED. 356 00:13:38,125 --> 00:13:40,709 I ONLY GOT $30,000 FOR GOING TO IDI AMIN'S CHRISTMAS PARTY. 357 00:13:40,709 --> 00:13:41,875 - HANG ON. 358 00:13:41,875 --> 00:13:44,750 YOU SPENT CHRISTMAS WITH IDI AMIN? 359 00:13:44,750 --> 00:13:46,208 - WELL, NOT JUST ME. 360 00:13:46,208 --> 00:13:49,583 IT WAS ME, HERVE VILLECHAIZE, YUL BRYNNER, 361 00:13:49,583 --> 00:13:51,917 ANGIE DICKINSON, AND EVA GABOR. 362 00:13:51,917 --> 00:13:54,542 - GOD, I HAD SUCH A THING FOR ANGIE DICKINSON. 363 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,458 - SO DID IDI, AND LET ME TELL YOU, 364 00:13:56,458 --> 00:13:58,000 THAT GUY WAS HANDSY. 365 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,166 - YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE'LL BE REMEMBERED FOR. 366 00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:03,875 - THEY ARE PAYING YOU $500,000? 367 00:14:03,875 --> 00:14:05,709 - PLUS A PARTY. 368 00:14:05,709 --> 00:14:08,000 - LOOK, I REALIZE YOU'RE IN A TOUGH POSITION FINANCIALLY, 369 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,542 BUT YOU HAVE TO SAY NO TO THIS. 370 00:14:09,542 --> 00:14:12,083 IT IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. 371 00:14:12,083 --> 00:14:13,417 - OKAY, LET'S-- 372 00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:15,166 OKAY, LET'S SAY I DON'T GO. 373 00:14:15,166 --> 00:14:17,333 WHAT'S THAT GONNA ACCOMPLISH, HUH? 374 00:14:17,333 --> 00:14:20,333 DOES IT SAVE ONE VILLAGE FROM BEING SLAUGHTERED? 375 00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:23,333 DOES IT STOP ONE BEHEADING? NO. 376 00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:25,333 IT JUST MEANS SOME OTHER SCHMUCK CELEBRITY 377 00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:26,917 WILL GET MY GIFT BAG. 378 00:14:26,917 --> 00:14:29,834 THAT'S RIGHT. THERE ARE GIFT BAGS. 379 00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:33,959 - WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT? 380 00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,166 - HE TOLD YOU WHAT? 381 00:14:37,166 --> 00:14:38,667 - IT'S NO BIG DEAL. 382 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,542 I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A LITTLE WEIRD 383 00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:42,834 THAT WE TALKED ALL ABOUT ME AND MERC 384 00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:44,208 AND YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING-- 385 00:14:44,208 --> 00:14:45,792 - WELL, I NEVER SAID ANYTHING 386 00:14:45,792 --> 00:14:47,917 BECAUSE I MADE HIM EXPLICITLY PROMISE 387 00:14:47,917 --> 00:14:50,583 THAT NEITHER OF US WOULD EVER, EVER TELL ANYONE. 388 00:14:50,583 --> 00:14:51,917 AND NOW HE'S TELLING YOU? 389 00:14:51,917 --> 00:14:53,083 - WELL, JUST ME. 390 00:14:53,083 --> 00:14:54,959 - WE DON'T KNOW THAT. - NO. 391 00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:56,875 - I MEAN, IF HE'S TELLING YOU, WHO ELSE IS HE TELLING? 392 00:14:56,875 --> 00:14:58,542 - I DON'T KNOW. - UGH! 393 00:14:58,542 --> 00:15:00,208 I AM SO PISSED. 394 00:15:00,208 --> 00:15:04,041 I'M SAVING HIS ASS, GIVING HIM A FUCKING TV SHOW, 395 00:15:04,041 --> 00:15:05,583 AND THIS IS HOW HE THANKS ME? 396 00:15:05,583 --> 00:15:09,000 - UM, IF IT HELPS, HE SAID IT WAS AN AMAZING NIGHT. 397 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,291 - THE ONLY THING AMAZING IS THAT I DID IT. 398 00:15:12,291 --> 00:15:15,041 TALK ABOUT SHIT YOU REGRET. 399 00:15:15,041 --> 00:15:17,041 I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF GETTING MY DIVORCE FROM ED. 400 00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:20,208 HE WAS STILL GETTING RID OF THE FIRST ONE, 401 00:15:20,208 --> 00:15:21,667 WHAT'S-HER-NAME WITH NO CHIN? 402 00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:23,417 - MARLENE. - MARLENE. 403 00:15:23,417 --> 00:15:24,917 YES. VERY GOOD. 404 00:15:24,917 --> 00:15:28,083 WE WERE BOTH DRUNK. HE MADE A MOVE. 405 00:15:28,083 --> 00:15:31,083 I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL? HOW BAD CAN IT BE?" 406 00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:33,750 - THAT BAD? - OH, MY GOD. 407 00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:36,083 IT'S LIKE HAVING SEX WITH A POTATO. 408 00:15:36,083 --> 00:15:39,000 - YEAH. - A SWEATING POTATO. 409 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,583 OH, AND THIS WAS BACK WHEN HE STILL HAD HIS TOUPEE. 410 00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:43,375 AT ONE POINT, IT CAME OFF. 411 00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:44,959 YEAH, I LOOKED DOWN, 412 00:15:44,959 --> 00:15:49,667 IT WAS LIKE THIS WET, LITTLE FERRET ON MY STOMACH. 413 00:15:49,667 --> 00:15:50,750 - [laughing] OH, GOD. 414 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,667 - YEAH, AND THEN AT THE END-- 415 00:15:52,667 --> 00:15:54,000 'CAUSE IT NEEDED TO GET WORSE-- 416 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,125 HE CAME ON A PICTURE OF MY KIDS. 417 00:15:57,125 --> 00:15:59,166 - WHAT? - OH, YEAH. 418 00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,792 IT WAS ON MY NIGHTSTAND. 419 00:16:00,792 --> 00:16:04,291 NOW, WHEN YOU SAY TO A PERSON, "NOT INSIDE ME," 420 00:16:04,291 --> 00:16:05,417 THAT DOESN'T GIVE THEM LICENSE 421 00:16:05,417 --> 00:16:07,000 TO JUST SHOOT IT THE FUCK ANYWHERE. 422 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,792 - NO, IT DOES NOT. - I'M SORRY. 423 00:16:08,792 --> 00:16:10,834 A LITTLE AIM-- IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH? 424 00:16:10,834 --> 00:16:14,291 - TOTALLY FAIR. - STUPID BAZOOKA DICK. 425 00:16:14,291 --> 00:16:18,291 YOU KNOW, THAT WAS THE LAST GUY I WAS EVER WITH. 426 00:16:18,291 --> 00:16:20,709 AND I'M NOT SAYING HE WAS THE REASON, 427 00:16:20,709 --> 00:16:23,542 BUT, UGH, TALK ABOUT GOING OUT WITH A WHIMPER, 428 00:16:23,542 --> 00:16:25,542 LITERALLY A WHIMPER... 429 00:16:25,542 --> 00:16:27,667 A WHIMPER AND THEN A FART. 430 00:16:27,667 --> 00:16:31,417 - YEAH, THE FARTING THING TAKES SOME GETTING USED TO. 431 00:16:31,417 --> 00:16:33,625 - SO... 432 00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:35,208 WHAT ELSE DID HE TELL YOU? 433 00:16:35,208 --> 00:16:37,792 - UM, THAT'S IT. 434 00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:39,375 - MM. - REALLY. 435 00:16:39,375 --> 00:16:40,709 OH. - WHAT? 436 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,333 - HE DID MENTION YOUR TATTOO. 437 00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:45,125 ALTHOUGH... - WHAT? 438 00:16:45,125 --> 00:16:48,500 - HE THOUGHT IT WAS A SWASTIKA. [laughs] 439 00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:49,834 - PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING. 440 00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:53,875 - [laughing] NOPE. A SWASTIKA. 441 00:16:53,875 --> 00:16:56,625 OH, COME ON, YOU GOT TO ADMIT, THAT'S KIND OF FUNNY. 442 00:16:56,625 --> 00:16:57,875 - NOT TO ME. 443 00:16:57,875 --> 00:16:59,166 HE'S GOING AROUND TELLING PEOPLE 444 00:16:59,166 --> 00:17:01,166 I HAVE SOME SORT OF ANTI-SEMITIC TWAT? 445 00:17:01,166 --> 00:17:03,792 OH, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM. 446 00:17:03,792 --> 00:17:06,166 - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? - I DON'T KNOW. 447 00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:08,000 BUT I'M SO GONNA GET HIS ASS. 448 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,583 - OKAY, NOW I'M A LITTLE SCARED. 449 00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,917 - HE SHOULD BE SCARED. 450 00:17:11,917 --> 00:17:13,250 - WH-- 451 00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,875 IS IT REALLY THAT BIG A DEAL? 452 00:17:15,875 --> 00:17:17,000 - YES. 453 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,083 DO YOU THINK I WANT PEOPLE OUT THERE 454 00:17:19,083 --> 00:17:22,917 THINKING I SPENT EVEN ONE NIGHT FUCKING MERC LAPIDUS? 455 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:28,041 I MEAN, WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME AS A HUMAN BEING? 456 00:17:28,041 --> 00:17:31,417 - UH, FIVE YEARS. 457 00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:33,166 - OH, RIGHT. - MM. 458 00:17:33,166 --> 00:17:35,667 - BUT THAT'S-- [chuckles] 459 00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:37,166 THAT'S DIFFERENT. 460 00:17:37,166 --> 00:17:39,083 THAT'S-- 461 00:17:39,083 --> 00:17:41,875 YOU-- 462 00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:45,083 YEAH, I GOT NOTHING. - YEAH. 463 00:17:54,041 --> 00:17:55,875 - IS IT ME, OR ARE THERE MORE PILLOWS 464 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,041 THAN THERE WERE THIS MORNING? 465 00:17:57,041 --> 00:17:58,625 [cell phone chimes] 466 00:17:58,625 --> 00:18:01,625 - WHO'S THAT AT 11:30? - TIM. 467 00:18:01,625 --> 00:18:03,875 HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT WE'RE ALL WEARING 468 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:06,125 TO THE NETWORK MEETING TOMORROW. 469 00:18:06,125 --> 00:18:07,917 - DOESN'T HE REALIZE HE'S OUR NEMESIS? 470 00:18:07,917 --> 00:18:09,792 HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ASKING FOR FASHION TIPS. 471 00:18:09,792 --> 00:18:12,125 - I KNOW. IT'S INSANE. 472 00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:15,667 - OF ALL THE BLOODY NERVE. 473 00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:17,417 WHAT ARE YOU TYPING? 474 00:18:17,417 --> 00:18:20,792 - "SMART CASUAL." 475 00:18:20,792 --> 00:18:22,500 THERE, DONE. 476 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,291 PHONE OFF. 477 00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:28,208 AND LOOK, THE BED IS FINALLY DENUDED OF PILLOWS. 478 00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:36,792 - [sighs] 479 00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:39,917 - SPEAKING OF "DENUDED"... 480 00:18:39,917 --> 00:18:41,917 - I NOTICED THAT WORD IN THERE. 481 00:18:41,917 --> 00:18:43,583 - I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT. - [chuckling] 482 00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:47,083 - COME HERE, PLEASE. 483 00:18:47,083 --> 00:18:48,959 - SO POLITE. 484 00:18:58,792 --> 00:19:00,750 - WHAT? 485 00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:02,875 - NOTHING. 486 00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:06,333 - WHAT? - [sighs] 487 00:19:09,041 --> 00:19:11,291 I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT TIM. 488 00:19:11,291 --> 00:19:13,166 - HUH. 489 00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:14,959 WHATEVER THE OPPOSITE OF AN ERECTION IS, 490 00:19:14,959 --> 00:19:18,333 I JUST GOT A BIG ONE. 491 00:19:18,333 --> 00:19:21,208 - I'M SORRY. 492 00:19:21,208 --> 00:19:22,417 [sighs] 493 00:19:22,417 --> 00:19:24,291 JUST THE THOUGHT OF WORKING WITH HIM, 494 00:19:24,291 --> 00:19:29,291 BEING STUCK IN A ROOM WITH HIM ALL DAY... 495 00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:32,000 I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT. 496 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,667 LIFE'S TOO SHORT. 497 00:19:33,667 --> 00:19:36,500 - WELL, WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE? 498 00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:38,375 - I DON'T KNOW. 499 00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:42,417 MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THE SHOW WITHOUT ME. 500 00:19:42,417 --> 00:19:43,458 - WHAT? 501 00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:45,333 - YOU CAN DO IT, 502 00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:47,834 AND TIM CAN TYPE IT. 503 00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:49,500 - THAT'S CRAZY. 504 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:51,750 - IT'S NOT. I'LL BE FINE. 505 00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:54,709 I'LL GET A JOB ON ANOTHER SHOW, 506 00:19:54,709 --> 00:19:56,333 OR I'LL DO CHARITY WORK-- 507 00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:59,208 MAYBE SOMETHING WITH REFUGEES FROM KHARAKISTAN. 508 00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:02,375 - NO. NO. I'M NOT DOING IT WITHOUT YOU. 509 00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,542 LOOK, I WISH TO HELL I COULD JUST MAKE HIM DISAPPEAR, 510 00:20:04,542 --> 00:20:06,250 BUT I CAN'T. 511 00:20:06,250 --> 00:20:09,875 THIS SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY SOLUTION. 512 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:14,625 - DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF COMPROMISING? 513 00:20:14,625 --> 00:20:18,291 - THAT'S HOW THE WORLD WORKS. 514 00:20:18,291 --> 00:20:21,834 JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE. 515 00:20:21,834 --> 00:20:24,959 PLEASE. 516 00:20:24,959 --> 00:20:27,625 FOR ME. 517 00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:29,208 - THAT'S SO UNFAIR. 518 00:20:29,208 --> 00:20:30,625 - THAT'S WHY I SAID IT. 519 00:20:30,625 --> 00:20:33,834 - [sighs] 520 00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:36,709 OKAY... 521 00:20:36,709 --> 00:20:39,959 FOR YOU. 522 00:20:39,959 --> 00:20:42,875 - I LOVE YOU. - [chuckles] 523 00:20:48,959 --> 00:20:52,875 MM, LOOK WHO'S BACK. 524 00:20:52,875 --> 00:20:55,750 HE WAS VERY PATIENT. - THANK YOU. 525 00:20:55,750 --> 00:20:57,709 HE DOESN'T GET TO HEAR THAT NEARLY ENOUGH. 526 00:20:57,709 --> 00:21:00,917 - [chuckles] 527 00:21:03,875 --> 00:21:05,709 [sports broadcast playing on TV, knock at door] 528 00:21:05,709 --> 00:21:08,041 - YEAH? 529 00:21:08,041 --> 00:21:09,917 - MAYBE THIS WILL JOG YOUR MEMORY. 530 00:21:09,917 --> 00:21:11,291 - OF WHAT, THE '80s? 531 00:21:11,291 --> 00:21:13,625 HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY THAT? 532 00:21:13,625 --> 00:21:15,000 - ON YOUR VCR? 533 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,208 - NOBODY HAS A VCR. 534 00:21:17,208 --> 00:21:19,667 - [groans] HEY. 535 00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:23,917 CAN YOU GET US A VCR? - A WHAT? 536 00:21:27,208 --> 00:21:29,583 [people moaning on TV] 537 00:21:29,583 --> 00:21:31,250 - WAIT. STOP. STOP. 538 00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:34,667 - WHAT? 539 00:21:34,667 --> 00:21:36,125 - THAT IS NOT ME. 540 00:21:36,125 --> 00:21:39,208 - I KNOW THAT'S NOT YOU. 541 00:21:39,208 --> 00:21:41,333 AW, YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS? 542 00:21:41,333 --> 00:21:44,250 THAT'S DEAN MARTIN'S DRIVER. - OH, YEAH? 543 00:21:44,250 --> 00:21:46,500 - DEAN SHOT A GUEST SPOT ON KELLY. 544 00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:49,458 - LOOKS LIKE HIS DRIVER SHOT A GUEST SPOT ON KELLY TOO. 545 00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:52,500 - HANG ON. I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE NEXT. 546 00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:54,291 - NEXT? 547 00:21:54,291 --> 00:21:55,959 WHAT IS THIS-- THE VAGINA DELI? 548 00:21:55,959 --> 00:21:57,250 - [sighs] 549 00:21:57,250 --> 00:21:59,625 [people moaning] 550 00:21:59,625 --> 00:22:03,333 SO? RING A BELL? 551 00:22:03,333 --> 00:22:06,041 - NOPE. 552 00:22:06,041 --> 00:22:07,709 ARE YOU SURE THAT'S-- OH. 553 00:22:07,709 --> 00:22:09,667 YEAH, THAT'S ME. 554 00:22:09,667 --> 00:22:13,125 - THANK YOU. 555 00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:15,834 - OH, MY GOD. 556 00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:18,333 I'M SO FUCKING YOUNG. 557 00:22:18,333 --> 00:22:21,917 - WHAT ABOUT ME? 558 00:22:21,917 --> 00:22:26,875 - YOU ACTUALLY LOOK YOUNGER NOW. 559 00:22:26,875 --> 00:22:28,917 JESUS CHRIST. 560 00:22:28,917 --> 00:22:32,000 I'M LIKE A BABY. 561 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,125 LOOK AT MY ASS! 562 00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:37,875 - IT WAS A GREAT ASS. 563 00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:40,417 - WELL, THIS WASN'T THAT LONG AGO. 564 00:22:40,417 --> 00:22:43,834 WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME? 565 00:22:43,834 --> 00:22:48,500 - YEAH, IT'S A MYSTERY. 566 00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:50,834 - LOOK, YOU SEE THAT MOVE WHERE I FLIPPED YOU OVER? 567 00:22:50,834 --> 00:22:54,750 I'D NEED TWO GUYS TO HELP ME NOW. 568 00:22:54,750 --> 00:22:57,542 [sighs] 569 00:22:57,542 --> 00:23:00,458 [groans] 570 00:23:00,458 --> 00:23:05,208 THIS IS THE MOST DEPRESSING SEX TAPE EVER. 571 00:23:05,208 --> 00:23:09,208 OH, MAN, EVEN MY BALLS LOOK NEW! 572 00:23:09,208 --> 00:23:10,667 - SO WHY DON'T YOU CATCH US UP? 573 00:23:10,667 --> 00:23:12,959 HOW DID THE THREE OF YOU GUYS MEET? 574 00:23:12,959 --> 00:23:15,083 - WELL, SEAN-Y AND I MET AT UNIVERSITY. 575 00:23:15,083 --> 00:23:17,208 - OH, SO YOU DIDN'T ALL START OUT TOGETHER? 576 00:23:17,208 --> 00:23:19,542 - OH, NO. 577 00:23:19,542 --> 00:23:21,500 HE AND I WERE PARTNERS FOR YEARS. 578 00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:24,458 LA BEV CAME ALONG MUCH, MUCH LATER. 579 00:23:24,458 --> 00:23:27,333 WE WERE ALL HIRED TO WORK TOGETHER ON A SKETCH SHOW, 580 00:23:27,333 --> 00:23:30,208 AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE SHE WAS 581 00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:34,250 WITH HER BITING WIT AND... 582 00:23:34,250 --> 00:23:36,917 PFFT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT. [chuckles] 583 00:23:36,917 --> 00:23:38,667 - OH, SAY IT-- 584 00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:40,041 VAGINA. 585 00:23:40,041 --> 00:23:42,000 [laughter] - IT'S TRUE. 586 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,625 HOW DO YOU COMPETE WITH THAT? 587 00:23:43,625 --> 00:23:44,917 [sighs] 588 00:23:44,917 --> 00:23:46,458 AND I JUST THOUGHT THEY WERE CHEATING 589 00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:48,709 ON SEAN'S WIFE, EMMELINE. 590 00:23:48,709 --> 00:23:52,250 TURNS OUT I WAS OUT WITH THE RUBBISH TOO. 591 00:23:52,250 --> 00:23:54,250 OH, AND I THOUGHT WE WERE SO CLOSE. 592 00:23:54,250 --> 00:23:55,709 [chuckles] 593 00:23:55,709 --> 00:23:57,709 - UH, RIGHT, WELL, ANCIENT HISTORY. 594 00:23:57,709 --> 00:23:59,625 CLEARLY, EVERYTHING'S WORKED OUT FOR THE BEST. 595 00:23:59,625 --> 00:24:01,041 - MM, TELL THAT TO EMMELINE. 596 00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:02,542 - I'LL HAVE MY VAGINA DROP HER A NOTE. 597 00:24:02,542 --> 00:24:04,000 [laughs] 598 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:05,667 - YEAH, THE POINT IS, WE'RE ALL TOGETHER NOW, 599 00:24:05,667 --> 00:24:08,250 AND IT IS VERY EXCITING. - MM-HMM. 600 00:24:08,250 --> 00:24:09,709 - WELL, LET'S TALK A LITTLE ABOUT THAT. 601 00:24:09,709 --> 00:24:12,291 HOW DO YOU SEE THE THREE OF YOU WORKING TOGETHER? 602 00:24:12,291 --> 00:24:13,917 - OH, WELL, UM... 603 00:24:13,917 --> 00:24:16,250 WE HAVEN'T EXACTLY WORKED OUT THE NUTS AND BOLTS, 604 00:24:16,250 --> 00:24:20,417 BUT I THINK WE BRING DIFFERENT SKILLS. 605 00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:23,458 - FOR INSTANCE, SEAN AND I ACTUALLY WROTE THE SCRIPT, 606 00:24:23,458 --> 00:24:26,291 CREATED THE CHARACTERS, ALL THE DIALOGUE. 607 00:24:26,291 --> 00:24:29,208 TIM IS APPARENTLY A WHIZ AT THE TYPING. 608 00:24:29,208 --> 00:24:30,792 SO I GUESS HE BRINGS THAT. 609 00:24:30,792 --> 00:24:32,125 [chuckles] 610 00:24:32,125 --> 00:24:33,375 - WELL, YOU KNOW, MORE THAN THAT, 611 00:24:33,375 --> 00:24:35,208 YOU KNOW, CLEARLY. - THANK YOU. 612 00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:37,667 I LIKE TO THINK I ALSO BRING PERSPECTIVE. 613 00:24:37,667 --> 00:24:39,625 NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG-- THE SCRIPT IS BRILLIANT. 614 00:24:39,625 --> 00:24:40,959 OBVIOUSLY. 615 00:24:40,959 --> 00:24:43,709 BUT I THINK THESE TWO ARE SO CLOSE TO IT, 616 00:24:43,709 --> 00:24:46,959 THEY CAN'T SEE THERE ARE WAYS TO MAKE IT MUCH, MUCH BETTER. 617 00:24:46,959 --> 00:24:49,250 - SUCH AS? - YES, PLEASE TELL US. 618 00:24:49,250 --> 00:24:53,083 - WELL, FOR STARTERS, I THINK WE CAN REALLY UP THE COMEDY. 619 00:24:53,083 --> 00:24:54,333 - OH, MY GOSH. 620 00:24:54,333 --> 00:24:56,125 IF YOU COULD GET IT UP, 621 00:24:56,125 --> 00:24:57,792 THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL. 622 00:24:57,792 --> 00:24:59,500 [laughter] 623 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:01,125 - MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING WE SHOULD DISCUSS 624 00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:02,250 JUST THE THREE OF US. 625 00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:03,333 - ABSOLUTELY. 626 00:25:03,333 --> 00:25:04,709 AH, IT'S JUST THAT I REMEMBER 627 00:25:04,709 --> 00:25:06,542 WHEN SEAN-Y AND I WERE COMING UP WITH IT. 628 00:25:06,542 --> 00:25:10,709 SOMEHOW THE WHOLE THING JUST FELT FUNNIER. 629 00:25:10,709 --> 00:25:13,417 ALSO, I THINK THE CHARACTERS CAN HAVE A LOT MORE BITE. 630 00:25:13,417 --> 00:25:16,333 - REALLY? NEED MORE BITE, DO YOU? 631 00:25:16,333 --> 00:25:18,709 - OKAY. - I MEAN, THEY'RE FINE. 632 00:25:18,709 --> 00:25:21,959 BUT THERE'S SOMETHING A LITTLE NOTHING-Y ABOUT THEM. 633 00:25:21,959 --> 00:25:24,333 - NOTHING-Y? [chuckles] 634 00:25:24,333 --> 00:25:26,041 NOTHING-Y. 635 00:25:26,041 --> 00:25:27,250 - OOH, OBVIOUSLY TOUCHED A NERVE. 636 00:25:27,250 --> 00:25:29,542 - NO. YOU HAVE A NERVE. 637 00:25:29,542 --> 00:25:31,500 - OKAY, I'M GONNA JUMP IN HERE, IF I MAY. 638 00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:32,959 - PLEASE, GOD, DO. - MM, MM-HMM. 639 00:25:32,959 --> 00:25:34,083 - EVERYONE HERE KNOWS 640 00:25:34,083 --> 00:25:36,125 THAT TO GET A SHOW RIGHT 641 00:25:36,125 --> 00:25:37,583 IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE. 642 00:25:37,583 --> 00:25:39,083 - EXACTLY. 643 00:25:39,083 --> 00:25:41,500 - TO GET A REAL BONA FIDE HIT-- 644 00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:44,917 SOMETHING GREAT-- YOU NEED EVERYTHING SPOT-ON. 645 00:25:44,917 --> 00:25:46,667 IF YOU MAKE ONE MISTAKE, 646 00:25:46,667 --> 00:25:49,041 THEN YOU DON'T HAVE LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE. 647 00:25:49,041 --> 00:25:51,375 YOU JUST HAVE A BOTTLE. 648 00:25:51,375 --> 00:25:53,667 AND I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW 649 00:25:53,667 --> 00:25:56,542 THAT THIS IS THE MISTAKE. 650 00:25:56,542 --> 00:25:58,208 SO HERE'S THE DEAL. 651 00:25:58,208 --> 00:26:01,000 IT'S EITHER HIM OR US. 652 00:26:04,291 --> 00:26:06,041 - I'M AFRAID THAT'S A DEAL MY LAWYERS 653 00:26:06,041 --> 00:26:07,667 WON'T BE TOO COMFORTABLE WITH. 654 00:26:07,667 --> 00:26:09,500 - WELL, HOPEFULLY THEY'RE FUNNY LAWYERS, 655 00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:11,208 SINCE YOU'LL BE DOING THE SHOW WITH THEM. 656 00:26:11,208 --> 00:26:14,208 ENOUGH BITE FOR YOU? 657 00:26:14,208 --> 00:26:17,792 LOOK, IF YOU BOW OUT NOW AND THIS THING TAKES OFF, 658 00:26:17,792 --> 00:26:19,667 YOU'LL MAKE A TON OF MONEY. 659 00:26:19,667 --> 00:26:22,875 WE'LL LET EILEEN HERE NEGOTIATE WITH HERSELF 660 00:26:22,875 --> 00:26:24,875 TO SEE WHAT SHE THINKS IS FAIR. 661 00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:27,709 YOU'LL STILL BE ONE OF THE CREATORS OF A HIT SHOW, 662 00:26:27,709 --> 00:26:31,083 AND YOU CAN PARLAY THAT INTO A WHOLE CAREER. 663 00:26:31,083 --> 00:26:32,792 OR YOU CAN DIG IN YOUR HEELS, 664 00:26:32,792 --> 00:26:35,583 INSIST ON BEING PART OF SOMETHING THAT ISN'T HAPPENING, 665 00:26:35,583 --> 00:26:40,083 AND GET A BIG SLICE OF NOTHING-Y PIE. 666 00:26:41,375 --> 00:26:43,750 YOUR CALL. 667 00:26:46,166 --> 00:26:49,041 - OH, NO. 668 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,208 [traditional Middle Eastern music] 669 00:26:55,208 --> 00:26:59,000 [indistinct chatter] 670 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:06,917 ♪ ♪ 671 00:27:12,166 --> 00:27:14,291 - MM, THANKS. 672 00:27:20,792 --> 00:27:22,291 HOLY SHIT. 673 00:27:22,291 --> 00:27:25,166 - WHAT? NO WAY. [laughs] 674 00:27:25,166 --> 00:27:27,250 OH, MY GOD. HEY, BUDDY. 675 00:27:27,250 --> 00:27:28,583 - HAVE YOU BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME? 676 00:27:28,583 --> 00:27:30,834 - YEAH. - WERE YOU AT THE URANIUM MINE? 677 00:27:30,834 --> 00:27:33,208 - NO, NO, I DID THE THING WITH THE DRONES. 678 00:27:33,208 --> 00:27:34,792 YEAH, WE EACH GOT TO BLOW UP A JEEP. 679 00:27:34,792 --> 00:27:36,625 - AW, SHIT, I SHOULD'VE DONE THAT ONE. 680 00:27:36,625 --> 00:27:40,125 - HOW INSANE IS THIS? - OH, MY GOD. 681 00:27:40,125 --> 00:27:41,792 THAT THING WITH THE SWANS? 682 00:27:41,792 --> 00:27:43,583 - YEAH, THAT WAS TOO MANY SWANS. 683 00:27:43,583 --> 00:27:47,625 - HEY, UH, ARE YOU GONNA KEEP YOUR LLAMA? 684 00:27:47,625 --> 00:27:50,583 - [sighs] IT'S A LOT TO SCHLEP BACK. 685 00:27:50,583 --> 00:27:51,709 AND THEN WHAT DO YOU DO WITH IT? 686 00:27:51,709 --> 00:27:53,667 - I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT WAS A GIFT. 687 00:27:53,667 --> 00:27:55,083 I DON'T WANT TO PISS HIM OFF. 688 00:27:55,083 --> 00:27:56,542 - NO. NO. 689 00:27:56,542 --> 00:27:58,500 - HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR THING? 690 00:27:58,500 --> 00:28:00,208 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THEY SAID IT WAS OPTIONAL. 691 00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:03,500 - YEAH, BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT "OPTIONAL" MEANS HERE? 692 00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:05,333 BESIDES, I-I KIND OF LIKE IT. 693 00:28:05,333 --> 00:28:06,667 I FEEL LIKE ALADDIN. 694 00:28:06,667 --> 00:28:08,166 - OR MRS. ROPER. 695 00:28:10,875 --> 00:28:12,500 - EH. [both chuckle] 696 00:28:12,500 --> 00:28:15,083 WANT TO GET SOME CAVIAR? - UGH, REALLY? MORE? 697 00:28:15,083 --> 00:28:16,875 - YEAH. - YEAH. 698 00:28:16,875 --> 00:28:21,750 HEY, BY THE WAY, CAN I GET A LIFT BACK TO THE PALACE? 699 00:28:21,750 --> 00:28:24,000 THEY SHOT MY DRIVER. 700 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,458 - SERIOUSLY? - [mouths word] 701 00:28:26,458 --> 00:28:29,417 - THIS PLACE IS NUTS. - I KNOW. 702 00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:33,583 BUT, HEY, FOR A MILLION BUCKS... 48617

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