Original subtitles

Hey, Rose.

Yeah?

I have this friend--

Gonna stop you right there

because you're doing that thing

where you say it's your friend's question

when, really, it's yours.

Am not.

Okay. What is this question

your totally real friend wants to ask?

Well, my real friend wants to know

what age is a good age for a baby to get tattooed?

What?! What? What did you do?

Nothing! I told you! It was my friend!

(sighing) Oh, you're lucky, Paul.

Don't you ever, ever ask me again about baby tattoos.

So, I should tell my friend

he should wait until his baby's 18, then.

Get out.

(baby cooing)

Ro said it's not a good idea to get your baby tatted up

till he's at least 18 years old.

(baby cooing)

Friend: I wish she would have told me that sooner.

Paul: Jesus fucking Christ!

(baby cooing)

Maybe put some ice on that!

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Roger: This is Laughing Stick in the Morning.

Band Councillor Rose is putting together

a team of volunteers to represent Grouse Lake

at the Annual Indigenous Firefighter Games.

Mm. I saw a few of them earlier,

and we're gonna need a team of firefighters

to put out these firefighters because they're smokin'.

Mm! While I cool off,

here's Carrie and the Crotch Crickets with

"the March of the Hornballs".

Rose: Congratulations.

You are all here because you were hand-selected by me.

You are the strongest,

bravest, fiercest, most physically gifted specimens

that Grouse Lake has to offer.

(breathing heavily) Oh, Rose, I'm so sorry I'm late.

I tried to catch a ride from you this morning,

but you drove off so fast.

- What are you doing here? - Paul: What do you mean?

I'm on the team. Speaking of,

I didn't know about this little early morning meeting.

Can we talk over-- over here?

Yeah, yeah. We probably don't wanna announce

that I'm team captain in front of these guys.

(chuckling) Okay, how do I say this?

Just tell them that they're all good firefighters,

but your b'eb is the best.

Hm. Do you know what? I should tell them.

- Shows good leadership. - No. No.

All right, everybody, let's huddle in.

Or you guys can just stand there.

Basically, what Rose is afraid to tell you,

because of 'nepotism,' is that I'm team captain.

I thought I was team captain.

B'eb, what are we gonna do if he has to fight a fire?

He's gonna tell it to lose weight or his knees will buckle?

This can't be your guy.

Chickadee: Four seconds left. No timeouts.

Jordan's got the flu.

Game over.

No way, you totally fouled me.

As if.

Okay, my turn.

If I make this shot, we live happily ever after.

Oh, yeah? Well, what if you miss?

We live happily ever after.

I like those odds.

(laughing)

We should clean this up.

Why? I'll know where they are for later.

Oh, crap. What time is it?

Time for more cheese-ball ball?

I was supposed to go live. Stupid cheese-ball ball.

Oh, um, babe, you're in the shot.

Well, where am I supposed to go?

Just to the left.

Here?

Serena whispering: Hey, whisperheads.

Sorry, I'm a little late today.

I got caught up playing cheese-ball ball.

(regular voice:) Sorry, babe.

Uh, chat says that you're still in the shot.

Chat says much better.

Chickadee: Oh, fuck off.

(crunching)

Hilda: Good morning, Lips.

Or seeing as you speak Pig... (oinking)

Not now, Auntie. I'm here to see Chief Deedee.

Oh, tough luck, Bacon Bits.

She's in a meeting.

Well, when you see her, give her these.

Fuck's all this, then?

I ruined Leon's community garden

and I need to be reprimanded.

You stomped on some plants

and phoned in a false bomb threat, that's light work.

I crossed the line, Hilda.

I know prison guards more crooked than you.

Whoa. That's loaded with fresh Copper Tops.

I'm suspending myself... indefinitely.

Ho'leh.

Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya!

Wassa-ga-ma...

- Babe... - What?

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm just doing my vocal warmups.

Oh, man, you know, you're pretty loud

for someone who whispers for a living.

Thanks.

So, do these yellings happen, like, all the time

or does that, like, cover it for the year?

Like a couple times a day,

depending.

Depending on what? If you're trying to break glass?

Well, I can do it somewhere else if it's a problem.

But, uh, speaking of problems,

could you, uh, clean up your mess?

Mess? That's my floordrobe.

It's where I keep everything.

Look, look. There's that cheese-ball from earlier...

(crunching) ...right where I left it.

(crunching)

Mm. Who's a redhead?

Literal ick.

So the key to any good fire department

is a good firefighter calendar,

and here to take the photo is Roger,

who claims to be a professional photographer all of a sudden.

All proceeds go towards travel expenses

for your trip to Winnipeg.

Okay, everyone, take your shirts off,

and then I'll get started oiling you up.

Oof.

Uh, Roger?

- Huh? - Professionalism?

Oh, right.

Everybody, take their shirts off, except Paul.

Actually, maybe...

layer up. You're kind of killing the vibe.

Rose: Everybody keep their shirts on.

I can't believe I just said that.

Okay, gather around.

Paul, could you step a little to the right?

How about here?

Maybe just a little more.

Little more?

Little more.

Yes.

Roger: Say cheese!

(door opening)

(door closing)

Hey, look! A piggy in a blanket.

Jeez, Lips,

it stinks like solitary confinement in here.

Here. It's a recipe I got from Stoney.

Careful. There's a hacksaw blade in there.

Bad boys don't deserve fresh bread.

(sighing) Come on, Lips.

It's no fun with you moping around.

Arrest me, would you?

I-I just broke into your house.

Without the law, who am I?

We're-- We're like Batman and the Joker.

Fine, then.

(door closing)

(video game beeping)

Tavis: Man, we keep getting third-party'd

by these sweaty scrubs.

Just do quick play, no role queue.

Hey guys, could you save the game

and do another sesh tomorrow?

After all, it is like 9 p.m.

Didn't know we were in an Elder's lodge.

Ho'leh, your old lady's just a real old lady.

Oh, uh...

(clearing throat) Hey, hey, guys,

let's-- let's pack this up.

(Tavis sighing)

(door closing)

Thanks for defending me.

I was gonna say something, but then, they just took off.

You know what?

I'm gonna track 'em down at one of their houses

and give them a piece of my mind.

And, um... (clearing throat)

...it-- it might take a while, so don't wait up.

I'm just-- I'm just so mad right now.

Paul: B'eb!

Shush! I just got PJ to sleep.

What was with all that backing out of the picture stuff?

I'm starting to think

that you don't want me on the team anymore.

(scoffing) No, that's not true.

I can handle it.

Being a father has put everything into perspective.

I'm way more mature now.

Okay, then,

you're not on the firefighting team.

What the fuck?!

PJ, wake up.

You gotta hear what your mom just said to me.

I just got him to sleep.

Well, you should have thought of that

before you broke both our hearts.

(sighing) Oh my God.

I can't just pick my own boyfriend.

It looks bad.

Oh, you hear that, PJ?

I'm off the team because "it looks bad".

(PJ fussing, crying)

Nice going. Now I got two crying babies.

- (PJ fussing, crying) - Don't--

Where you going, new fish?

I'm here to see Councillor Rose.

Rose, you got a visitor.

Conjugal visit, hey?

B'eb, is that you?

Who is this b'eb you speak of?

I am a concerned citizen,

and I'm here to make an official complaint to Chief and Council.

Rose: Is this about the firefighting team?

Because that wasn't personal.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you're just terribly out of shape.

That sounds personal.

Okay, then, you're amazingly out of shape.

That sounds very personal.

(sighing) Look, Paul,

I really, really want to win,

and these guys are our best shot.

We'll see about that

'cause I'm going to go and find my own team,

and then later today, we'll face off,

and then the winner's team

gets to go to the most wonderful place in the world...

Winnipeg.

All right. Bring it on.

Oh, it's on.

Oh, b'eb, don't forget,

later today, for lunch,

Stephen Harper made the most amazing stew.

Rose: Hey, hey, hey.

Concerned citizens get handshakes.

Paul: Mm.

Ah, psych! (laughing)

Hey. So, I was going to go to Yeah-mans later.

They're doing 20% off used hams. You want one?

You want to watch a movie later?

Crave has this documentary on the rise and fall of canned ham.

Nothing?

Those are some pretty good ham jokes.

Are you giving me the silent treatment?

All right, fine, then. Two can play the silent game.

All right, it's on.

No talking, no sounds, no nothing.

Roger: Welcome to the warm-up event

for the Indigenous Firefighter Games.

And if you're like me,

you got here incredibly early to watch.

In a surprise twist, Paul put together a team of his own

and the demonstration is actually a competition.

You're playing with fire, Paul.

Yeah, that's the plan.

Oh, I'm also going to need a ride home later, baby.

- Yeah, of course. - Thanks, b'eb.

Let the games begin!

(audience cheering)

(cheering)

(crunching quietly)

(crunching quietly)

(sipping quietly)

(clinking softly)

(knocking)

Agnes: Chickadee, you there?

Chickadee, it's Kookoo, let me in.

I want to give you $100 and something called

a "PS5 Pro".

All you need to do

is give me a sign that you're in there,

anything.

One little knock and it's all yours.

Okay, then.

(Whistle blowing)

(audience cheering, chattering)

Rose: Yeah!

(audience cheering, chattering)

(straining)

(straining) Paul: Come on!

(groaning)

(chuckling)

Whoo!

(audience cheering, chattering)

(audience chattering)

Aah!

Oh! Oh, my right foot!

Oh, my lucky foot!

My lucky right foot!

(knocking)

(knocking)

(thudding)

Nobody move!

I'm gonna steal all your valuables.

Help yourself.

Unless somebody can arrest me.

If I think of anyone, I'll let you know.

For fuck's sakes, Lips, this is a break and enter!

That's nice.

Okay, then.

(gasping) What about this?

Does that... fire you up?

No, not really.

Okay, what about loitering?

Will you arrest me for... hanging out?

Loitering?

That's an offense punishable by...

Stop it, Auntie.

Ooh, looks like I found a pulse.

(gasping) Oops.

I did a littering!

That's it.

That's a violation of the Environment Act, Section 2.7.

But I thought you weren't a cop.

I'm not...

but I'm making a citizen's arrest.

Come with me.

(gasping) You got me, copper.

Just don't send me back to Stony Mountain.

♪

(landing softly)

Yes!

Ha! I win.

- Serena: Shit. - In your face, sucker.

Real mature, Chickadee.

You're just cheesed because I out-quieted

the quietest person ever.

Why don't you just grease yourself up

and slither out the window like you always do?

That was only, like... three times.

Go eat cheese-balls off the floor.

Well, I don't really like ASMR.

You so do.

I am just so relaxed right now.

Jar'd, jar'd, bannock and lard.

I know you are, but what am I?

Takes one to know one.

So, so, suck my toe all the way to Standing Buffalo.

- (gasping) - Chickadee: Oh shit.

What did you just say to me?

I'm sorry. I-I didn't really mean that one.

Yes, you did.

(door slamming)

(sighing)

This is it, the final event.

So far, Rose's team has been beautiful,

absolutely gorgeous, just pummelling the ugly team.

Ahh...

Each team has to carry a bucket without losing any water

and use it to hit the target.

The winner shoots the target down first.

The loser, Paul's team.

Ah.

Roger: Let's get this over with.

(gun firing)

(audience cheering)

(audience cheering)

And the Hots beat the Nots!

(audience cheering)

- (cheering) - Yeah!

(cheering)

(audience cheering)

Hey there, b'eb. Or is it concerned citizen Paul?

It's your b'eb.

Sorry we beat you guys so badly.

- It's fine. - It's just that...

I can't have my b'eb fighting fires;

it's dangerous, and you're a dad now.

Yeah, I guess it would be pretty hard to be a cool, kick-ass dad

and fight fires at the same time.

And there's no shame in losing to Grouse Lake's finest.

- (fire whooshing) - Woman: Fire!

Fire.

A ridiculously small fire.

Rose: Fire team,

you know what to do!

- (crowd screaming) - Save yourselves!

Save me!

Come back here, you cowards!

Stand back, b'eb. It's fok'n hero time.

Losers, assemble!

(heroic music playing)

You got this.

B'eb, it's too dangerous.

If I don't make it out alive, tell PJ I loved him.

Just go already, the wieners are gonna burn.

(sizzling)

Fire, you're fucking out!

You're my hero.

(Paul grunts)

Does this mean I get to come to Winnipeg now?

Hell no, we're still gonna send the hotties.

The important thing is that I love you.

Uh, counsellors get handshakes.

(chuckling)

Do you think we could salvage any hot dogs?

Chickadee: There you are.

Look, I'm really sorry

I told you to suck my toe all the way to Standing Buffalo.

It's fine.

No, it wasn't. It was way too far.

Standing Buffalo's, like, miles away.

I'm sorry for that whole thing I said about bannock and lard.

I don't know where that came from.

I deserved it.

Is it true that you don't like ASMR?

I like it. I don't love it.

Are we breaking up?

I thought this was just a fight.

Seriously? Me too.

I guess it was bound to happen.

You're a Bittern and I'm a Buttern.

Yeah, I guess it would be weird if we didn't fight.

It's in our blood.

Aww, our first fight.

To many more.

Yo!

Are we fuckin' doing this or what?

Get the fuck out of here.

Both: Yup.

Well, look who's back.

Thanks, Auntie.

I know we have our differences,

but it means a lot to me to know that you care.

Hey, keep it down. You crazy?

I can't be seen talking to the fuzz.

Can I at least get my tactical illumination devices back?

No can do, Lips.

Looks like you actually are suspended now.

What do you mean?

Well, you said you suspended yourself,

but as far as Chief Deedee is concerned,

you skipped work and didn't tell anyone.

Really?

You gotta have rules, Lips.

(snorting like a pig)

♪ Wake up now ♪

♪ Indian Agent man ♪

♪ Wake up now ♪

♪ Things are out of hand ♪

♪ Wake up now ♪

♪ Indian Agent man ♪

♪ Wake up now ♪

♪ Things are out of hand ♪

(Indigenous singing)

♪