Original subtitles

Ah. Ah.

Ah.

This number one is quality.

It's absolute, total quality.

Number one.

Oh, look at it. Brilliant.

Mmm.

No, no, no, no. Right, number two is the cat's whiskers.

Oh, look at it. Look at that thing. It's just tip -top.

Which is like a Porsche, isn't she? Look at that.

shape of her there.

Oh, and her back and her butt.

You can't beat that. There's no way your number one's better than my number two.

I think, I mean, it was funny really. It means that my number two is really

number one to me.

John, that's not true.

My number one is number one.

Never mind what you think about your number two.

Number one is definitely better than your number two.

Believe me.

Believe me.

Now, now, you're just deluding yourself, aren't you? You really are.

This is number one. My number is number one. This is number one. She might have

been number two.

But as far as I'm concerned, she's number one, you're number two, and

being number two. I've had lots of experience. I know how to compare these

different ones.

Just by looking at them, that's all I need to do.

Yeah.

Definitely the best.

No, they're all you're talking about.

Why, do you think you've had more than me?

Too right I've had more. You know I have. You know, we've always kept a

each other, haven't we? Rubbish. What do you know about it?

Rubbish. I've had better than you. How can you say your number one is number

one? My number one's number one.

No, you're still number two.

You're living in a dream world, you are. My world's been more exciting than your

bloody world.

Eh? How many do you think you've had then? I've had loads more than you. No,

you've only got one here to count them on.

No, thank you very much. No, you don't. You've always gone on about it. You

haven't got a bit of proof or anything like that about it. You just... Talk,

don't you, all the time?

Well, I don't need the proof. You've seen the different girls I've been with.

Yeah, you know, they've always been number one. You know that. It's very

you try to hide the fact. Yes, well, just because you have them, you think

have all the number ones. I've got other number ones as well. It's only a matter

of opinion, isn't it?

You've always been stuck with twos all the time. Two, two, two, two, two.

No, I haven't. I've had one.

Everyone I've got has been a top former, top first class, A -class girl.

In your dreams.

In your dreams, man. Oh, shut up, Gil. Your dreams, your daydreams, your

nightdreams, your wet dreams.

Yeah,

so what I said is you're a complete dickhead to think you are better than me

you've got number ones like I've always had.

That is the number one that I've got, that I've taken.

That's the thing, that's the thing about her, innit? You know, that's how I

always get the number ones. You think you're bloody right, you're never right.

You've always been wrong, you know that.

I've always been right, and all the time, I've never made a mistake in my

You're one big mistake.

Yeah, you can say that. Well, the sort of girls you choose is no wonder,

you can't admit that, you've got no taste at all.

What, you've seen all my number ones?

All you have is bloody number twos. No, I haven't. I bet number ones all the

time. Right, you're always the same. Always the bloody same, aren't you, eh?

really are. Right, come on. If you want to prove it, I'm willing to prove it.

I'm going to give you my number one.

My number one. And you can compare it, alright?

And then we'll see who's got number one and number two.

Oh, bloody yes.

I will give you my number one.

to prove that she is the best.

You go.

Well, there we are, we're going now. Now about that, you know, just admit it,

you have in fact got number one there. Well, I must admit, this number two is

pretty good, not bad at all.

You're wrong.

Number one's good, yeah?

I think number one's good, so you're wrong.

But, yeah, pretty good, but not number one.

Pretty good.

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, no, no.

I think it's number one, not number two.

What makes you think that? Well, I think, who have you got then? Have you

number one or number two? I'm not sure.

I did have two, or was it one? My number one is number two now.

Well, two is number one, or one is two. I don't know.

Who have you got then? Who have you got now? I could have one, I could have two,

but I'm not sure. You've got two, I've got one. Yes, but they're all ones.

Yeah, no, I think they're both one and two.

Two is one and one is two, but I don't know which one is two.

I don't want to omit defeat or anything like that. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

So, are you sure about one or two?

Well, I'm sure I've got one.

You know, but is it you two or one?

I thought I had two, but I'm not sure whether you've got two or I've got one.

Well, I can't think of it. We can't call them both number one, can we? That's

it. Well... Or number two now.

That's right, because one's two and one's one.

Yeah, of course. Which I'm not sure, because you had two or did you have one?

did I have two and you had one and I had one or both two?

Well, we both started off with one, didn't we, really?

That's right. But we both ended up with one, then.

But can we have that? You said one was one.

I said one was one.

No, I didn't. I said two was one.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Oh, Christ. This is hopeless.

But how did it start?

I had one. You had one. No, I had one. And you said you had one. No, I had two.

No, no, I had two. You had one.

That's right. And then you argued. You said that you're...

One couldn't be two.

That's right, because I thought that I had one, you said, no, you had one, then

I had two, and then you said, no, I've got one.

One and two, or was it two and one?

Well, no, because I knew I had number one, anyway, although you kept calling

number two, she was number one, there's no question of that. But you insisted on

having number one as well.

Well, both had two, or we had two and one in reverse, I can't remember. Well,

we've had one and two, and two and one.

You can't have two and two.

Perhaps you should have made a note of what was one and what was two.

Oh, yeah. No going back now, is there, eh? We're just sitting at number one.

I am your number one. You know, that's it. Well, if you've got your eyes shut,

you wouldn't know, would you? You wouldn't know either way with your eyes

at the number two. That's right.

That's right, and we've both got number one.

So if we keep going now, we're all right, you know.

So... You've got your ears open, your eye open. Which eye, left eye?

Left eye, both of them. The left eye is one, the right eye is two. So we're

nearly there.

So have we made a decision or not? Is it one or two?

It's both of them or one.

Hide that for God's sake. Where are we are?

That's right, that's where we are. They'll be ones and twos.

Sign up!

One or two, I don't care.

Everything's one. One, two, two, one. It's just too much.

You know what you think there?

That's good.

I don't really care who's number one or number two. They're both number ones and

number two. But you know what I'd like?

What? I'd like both.

And so, you know, I'm going to end up with number one one and number two one,

which is a multiple one, isn't it? You know, one times one. I see. So I have

them both, you know, and then one times one really is going to be, for me, it's

going to be two, isn't it? I understand that.

Aren't you being a greedy person?

Well, yes, I think that's the solution. No, no, not greedy. It's just a common

thing. We both agree, don't we? I want both multiple number ones.

Anyway, how about, well, you go for a drink and I'll have both ones, making

multiple one.

And we go from there, you know. I'll have the other one and it will go with

of them.

Oh.

Oh, I'm going to make a number one here, alright.

Yeah, I'm going to make number two here.

I'm coming

I'll see you on the phone.

Okay.

Oh, number one.

Oh, I've got number one.

Definitely number one. Number one of one, of two, of multiple one.

I've won one and one.

Oh, one and one makes wonderful.

So, he says, I'm number one.

You're number two.

No, I'm number one, you're number two. No, you listen.

I'm number one.

You are number two. No.

I'm number one. But he said.

No. I'm number two. You are number two. I'm number one. No.

You're number two.

We need to go and ask them.

I'm number one.

No. I'm number one. You're number two.

No. It's true.

I'm number one. No. That's all.

I'm number one.

You number two.

Fuck off.

I'm a number one.

No.

No. Hi.

Shiny hair.

Shiny balls.

Okay, now you do exactly the same.

Clean?

Clean up in three minutes.

The girl can go away. The girl, you can go, but David Charles has to stay.

Oh.

Already known, eh?

Do we have here a little bit blowjob and thing? No, we don't have.

First a little bit blowjob that I have run.

Oh. There you go.

I'm afraid.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I don't know.