Original subtitles

What is going on?

What are you up to this early?

Aren't you meant to be in college?

No college today.

Lie in.

I actually haven't properly cried yet.

I didn't cry for months when he died.

You know, I don't see any fathers out there.

No one is asking them what their child's shoe size is

or what they may or may not have noticed. It's okay.

And you're right, we almost never see any dads in here.

It's just my family letter.

It's to my sister Anna to say sorry about her fiancé.

Oh my God, that's Dr. Sheehan. What are you doing?

You didn't... We matched!

You're not like anyone else I've ever met, Rach.

Just say you love me, please.

I can't lie to you, Rach. I don't mind.

Lie to me. Please, I don't mind.

Please.

Guys, I still can't bring myself to cancel the wedding venue.

Why don't you have a memorial?

You could make it a celebration of Aidan.

You're Aidan, how you knew him.

Okay, we're going in here to get memories of Aidan.

That is it. Do not mention the memorial.

She's going to find out at some point.

Yeah, well, that point is not today.

Alright? We don't want to upset her.

Are you sure Anna doesn't just want her there?

Well, she hasn't said anything to me, so I'm staying out of it.

Jesus, you make it sound like we're about to walk across landmines.

Well, we potentially are.

This will be fine.

♪ Theme Music: Cathy Davey - "Little Red" ♪

♪ Hey, I, I wouldn't let him in

♪ No, I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't let him in.

♪ His eyes are close together, and he wears a toothy grin

♪ Don't let him in

♪ No, I wouldn't if I were you let him in... ♪

Are we allowed to hug you?

Yeah.

Why wouldn't you be?

In case we pass you a heroin?

God.

Rach, you look great.

I brought you some chocolate.

I know you love these. Thanks.

Em... yeah, no, I'm good.

Em...

I thought...

I was kind of expecting Anna as well.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

What's that supposed to mean?

Listen, Rachel, do you have any nice memories of Aidan?

Why are you asking me that?

We just thought it'd be nice, you know, for Anna to have them.

I'd like to help her remember.

Do you have your phone?

I'm going to make a slide show for her.

Oh, no, I don't have my phone. They took it.

Seriously? I would die.

Why? In case it takes a drug dealer.

Some people are sex addicts. Porn.

Okay, okay.

Can we please just focus?

Rachel, like anything about Aidan?

Em...

Literally anything, Rachel?

I don't know what you want from me. Em...

Just whatever comes to your mind.

You lived with him for several months.

Oh, he crossed his legs when he sat.

Em... he didn't like WhatsApp.

He was really into American politics.

Really? Yeah.

Em...

Red side? Blue side?

I don't know. Whichever side isn't awful.

Blue.

Was he funny?

Anna laughed a lot when he was around.

Great. Hilariously funny.

That is too much, Claire. Funny will do.

But also, did he have any interests?

Like any hobbies? Anything?

Oh, he sold his bike online when he moved in with us.

Great. What kinda bike?

I dunno. Why does that matter?

Well, a mountain bike, he's outdoorsy.

E-bike, he's an environmentalist. Was it a unicycle?

Yeah, you're a clown. Okay.

Not helpful. You know he didn't like us.

Us?

Yeah.

He thought she was...

He thought she was codependent

and that we were too family-orientated.

Hang on.

Now, he didn't like us or he didn't like you?

You and Anna can be very clingy. Clingy?

It's hard to be clingy with someone who doesn't even visit you in rehab.

Jesus, Rachel, her fiancé just died.

Okay, so we know that Aidan was funny and athletic and...

Did Anna tell you that I wrote to her to apologise?

No?

No.

Well, it's just easier to blame Rachel for everything.

Look, I think we should just go.

Go on. Aidan made Anna laugh.

He crossed his legs and he sold a bike. It's good enough for me.

Or maybe you could just give us a ring or something.

She hasn't had a phone, Claire.

Or something! If you remember anything else.

I mean, we have a few days until the memorial.

Sorry.

Sorry, what?

Em...

A memorial?

Anna is having a memorial

for Aidan because his parents took him back to America.

And Anna can't fly, punctured lung.

So.

And she's planning this while I'm still in here.

Why?

There's a lot going on, Rachel-

The memorial is not for you. It's for Anna.

She needs it. Yeah.

She hasn't said anything to us

about whether she wants you there or not.

Go on, just leave.

Ah, I don't be like that. We've got...

We've got 45 minutes left.

Do you want to show us around?

No, seriously, leave.

Come on.

Rachel.

I'll give you some space. I'll see you soon.

It's okay, Rach.

Bags at the door.

Taxi booked for the morning.

They better not let me down.

Those apps are going to the dogs.

Paul, before you go to London, will you please hang up those shelves?

Ah, Mags, not now.

Where's my passport?

I've been asking you for months.

Paul!

Hi, Dad.

How are you?

Good, yeah.

Dad, would you mind putting up some shelves for me?

No, I have the drill and the shelves are there.

They're just... Hang up.

It's two in the sitting room and one in the...

Sorry. Sorry, dad.

Just one second. What?

Hang up the phone. Hang up the phone.

Hang up the phone.

I don't need him to put up some simple shelves.

I know how to put up a shelf.

I asked you ages ago and you've been- I've been busy, you know?

Sorry, Dad.

Paul is now saying that he can do it, and he will.

So why don't you come tomorrow? Absolutely.

We'll see if it's done.

I will do it right now.

Thanks, Dad.

You're the best.

You didn't join us for breakfast. I'm not hungry.

Right. Well, listen, I overheard something.

Now, I know you're about to do laundry with Chris, right?

Yes, Jackie, what law or commandment am I breaking now?

No, none, none. It's just that...

Well, I heard Chris tell Neil

that he's going to give it to you in the laundry room.

What?

Really? Yes.

Did he say that? Did he actually use those words?

Yes. He said, I'm going to give it to her.

I bet he's huge.

Do you want a thong?

No, no.

I'm not actually going to have sex with Chris in the laundry room.

Are you mental? Why not?

I mean, I would.

I mean, a woman has her needs. No, no.

I've got a boyfriend. You absolutely do not.

Not any more. I was there, Rachel.

That ship was both sailed and sunk. Titanic.

Good night. Really?

Yeah. Don't think I can fix it?

Maybe in a few years.

You know, you stay sober.

Get your act together. Get some Botox. Dye that hair.

Then maybe.

Okay.

Give me the thong.

Alright, go on. Safe flight.

I have no control over the safety of the flight.

Alright.

Hey, come here.

You know the next time I see you, I might be pregnant.

Oh, yeah.

Promise you won't do another test until I get back, okay?

Okay.

I promise.

Now, will you hang up that suit as soon as you get into the- Yeah.

Did you put a crease in the trousers?

Obviously. You know what mum says,

if you don't have a crease in your trousers,

you're one step away from the dole office.

Fine stance from a woman

who's benefited so heavily from the children's allowance.

Okay, be safe.

Why do you keep saying that? I don't know.

Maybe the memorial is getting in on me.

No shit.

I'm sorry you won't be there. Yeah.

So am I.

You know how much I love hanging out with the Walsh sisters?

Getting called cheap and dry all day.

Would you be a shame to miss that.

Yeah, fair enough.

Okay, go on. Safe flight.

Hey. Hey.

Do you know if Maggie's calling over this morning?

No, she's working.

Why? Is there anything I can help with?

No, was just going to see if she wanted to bring me to work.

I can drive you to work, but...

Are you ready to go back?

I actually don't know.

I just think I need like a... You're not worried about money?

No, no, no. I think I...

No, I'm on full pay.

I just think I need a distraction.

Hmm.

There's post inside on the table.

You could read that, respond.

Might pass some time.

Stop pushing that letter on me, Dad.

You know I've already fought with mum about it.

Okay, I don't want any more fights.

I'm just saying... Well, don't.

You're all obsessed with me reading that letter from Rachel.

And none of you actually care that any new information

that I process is making me lose parts of Aidan.

Lose parts?

Yeah, I think I'm forgetting him.

I can't remember his smell.

You will.

You will remember.

You're grieving.

Yeah, but what if I don't?

What if my brain can only hold so much information,

that anything new...

erases something old.

That's not how memory works. I have a book.

Yeah, but Dad, I don't need a book.

I like to just need...

I don't know.

I think I just need my brain...

Cant, like, figure it out.

In my mind, he's just gone back for Thanksgiving.

Aw, I know, love. It's awful.

It's awful.

Do you know what I think?

Mm.

I think you need to talk to one of your sisters.

And personally, I think you need to talk to Rachel.

The last person I need to speak to is Rachel.

Look, I know you're angry. Angry?

Dad, angry Angry is how you think I feel.

Dad, I was angry when she puked my new handbag.

And I was angry when we missed the first 40 minutes

of Taylor Swift because she couldn't find the tickets.

But like, Dad, anger is not how I'm feeling right now.

Right now- Okay, okay, okay.

Don't get worked up.

Don't get worked up. It's alright.

It's not good for you. You just don't get it.

Huh? You don't get it.

What...?

So are you excited for your freedom?

Yeah.

I know.

I've been here before.

I'm thinking I had it licked leaving treatment

and trying to stay sober on the outside and then...

Well, second time's the charm.

And when I get out, we can hang out and go to meetings and stuff.

Help each other, you know?

Yeah, I'll definitely be whacking the meetings in anyway.

90 in 90, all the way.

What?

90 meetings in 90 days.

Oh. Yeah.

That sounds addict-y.

Yeah, but I've had to be addicted to something.

Meetings aren't the worst, right? Mmm.

Well.

I'm really going to miss you.

Yeah, well, sure...

you'll be out yourself in a few weeks, right?

I mean, you'll have to fill me in

all the drama I'm going to miss in here.

Mmm.

And you'll have to mind me and take me to all those meetings.

Just leave it.

You're a menace to surprise me.

I know.

No, no, no, no.

No Rach, no Rach.

You don't want this.

This could destroy us.

No, this could destroy us.

You could destroy me. Oh fuck.

No, no, no, no, no. Rach, Rach, Rach, Rach.

I can't, I can't do this. I can't, okay.

This is like... I've made this mistake before. Okay?

Mistake? No, I...

I'm a mistake. Thanks very much. No, I didn't mean that.

I just meant like, I can't relapse again.

I'm not even out of here yet.

Jackie told me that you told her

that you were going to give it to me in the laundry room.

Oh my God, I meant this. I was going to give you this.

You missed breakfast.

Oh, my God.

Jackie.

Oh, Rach, I really like you.

I really like you. I just, I can't.

I don't want this trouble again. You know?

Am I trouble?

I'm sorry. It's just...

I'm sorry, it's not right.

Is that okay? Yeah, okay.

Grand.

When you're done, come into my office.

You're not taking this seriously.

He asked to do laundry with me.

He was flirting with me. Was he?

You're so vulnerable to other people's attention,

you'd do anything to feel their warmth.

I don't care about getting other people's attention.

It'd actually be nice to be forgotten for a while.

Would it?

I think you constantly feel forgotten.

Well, you're twisted.

You just put thoughts in people's heads.

You're mistaking Chris's honesty with you for intimacy.

I'm not. Nothing happened.

Because Chris is further along than you are

and had the strength not to use you.

Use me?

He would never do that.

I'm going to tell him you said that.

Yeah, do. I will.

It's hard to feel used sexually,

but it's worse if no one wants to use you.

What the fuck does that mean?

Your reaction to Chris saying no shows how desperate you are

for other people's approval.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

You're painful.

The shit that you come out with and you think you're being inspiring.

Your rudeness is a weapon and an armour,

and both are useless.

See, just more of your bullshit.

Keep trying, you know it's true.

Nothing you've ever said to me is true.

You're fucking charlatan.

You give people insecurities so you can swoop in and solve them.

I'm not an idiot, Rachel.

You get validation from having sex with men

because it makes you feel chosen,

and you never felt chosen at home.

Shut up, you fucking barren bitch.

I know you.

You're just one of those childless old women

who gets jobs where you can treat people like kids.

Anna? Uh-huh?

Will you come here, please? What?

Will you come here?

Here, I have this really gross spot on my back.

Can you pop it for me? Sit down.

But you're not allowed to screech or hit me.

Well, then don't hurt me this time.

Fine, I'll go. Please, Anna.

Thank you.

Bleugh.

I know.

Dad keeps shiteing on about some letter from Rachel.

Yeah, I know. He does to me, too.

Will he ever stop? I know.

I opened it.

What?

Oh, come on, Anna.

It's not a Ouija board.

A demon's not going to pop out if I open an envelope.

Helen, that was my post to open.

Yeah, but you were never going to open it.

Come on, do my back.

Ow, you bitch.

It was deep, it was deep, it was deep.

It was a waste of a stamp, anyway.

Sorry, what do you mean? It was blank?

It may as well have been.

She said that she was sorry that she's stuck inside

when you need her, wishes that you would talk to her, you'd visit her.

And did she apologise?

Not really, no.

Does she have any sense of...

Look, Anna, it's downstairs if you want to read it.

Thank you.

Are you alright, Margaret?

Yeah, all good.

Alright, I'm off.

Anywhere interesting? God, you smell fab.

College, Maggie? Oh, yeah.

How's that going?

Bye Kate.

Helen Walsh, what have you done?

What did you do to the back of your head?

Don't Mum, I have to go.

The bottom half of her hair is gone.

Mum, it's just hair. It'll grow back.

I wonder about her sometimes.

Yeah, she's a bit cryptic.

Well, thank God I have one uncomplicated daughter.

Here, what's the story?

What are you going to wear now for this memorial?

My funeral coat is too heavy for going to be indoors all day.

I was going to wear my navy work suit.

Navy? Oh, God, No, Margaret, come on.

It has to be black.

You should wear your black dress with the gold.

It's very slimming.

Yeah, that was an option, too.

Good. Good girl.

Now, I have to get up to the centre before they close, get something new,

and I want to book a blow dry for Anna for the morning.

Mum, I really don't think Anna is going to want to get her

hair blow dry in the morning.

We all have to be presentable, every one of us.

Maureen Kilfeather had two fascinators

on standby when Deirdre got married. It's not a wedding.

We need to let people see what the wedding could have been.

Why are you fighting with me in this?

I'm not. I'm not fighting you at all, Mum.

I agree with you completely.

Good girl.

Do you need anything from the centre?

No.

Actually, yeah, mum, would you pick up some cornflakes?

No, no, they're full of sugar.

There's porridge up there in the press.

Porridge and cornflakes are not the same thing. Are they?

We're going to have to get some cornflakes.

Hey.

Dan, hi. It's good to see you.

Can I give you a hug? Yeah.

Only heard the news on Monday.

I'm so sorry, love.

Thanks.

Sorry, I probably should have told you.

Just had this being all over the shop.

Stop, don't be silly.

How's Rachel?

Fine.

Is she? Mm-hmm.

Haven't heard from her for a long while, though.

How's she managing?

She's on a holiday.

On holidays?

After Aidan died, wow.

Even for Rachel, that's a tad...

Dan, I'd love to chat, but I...

Someone called Janie dropped in this for you.

She called in to ours,

but I told her you were probably at your folks.

What did she say? What did she look? What did she...

What did she look like?

Hm...

7.

Brunette. Petite.

Great teeth.

American, I think.

She said she just wanted to talk, and would you give her a call?

Thanks.

I know Rachel found these great.

It's a tough time.

Go easy on yourself.

No charge, obviously.

Fuck.

♪ Samantha Mumba - "Gotta Tell You" plays ♪

♪ Don't wanna need you when you won't need me too ♪

♪ I wanna tell you this now but it wouldn't be right

♪ If I didn't tell you this tonight ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Now you're back inside my house again ♪

♪ I'm trying deeper to explain ♪

♪ Because, baby, I want to get it on ♪

♪ And, baby, you're the one for me ♪

♪ And now that I have got you all alone ♪

♪ After all this talkin' on the phone ♪

Hey, I was just thinking about you.

So are Converse too casual for our first date?

Never mind. Would you like to meet earlier?

Get a drink or two before dinner?

Is that too many questions?

Please, please don't hate me for this.

Okay? I just...

I'm sitting here about to put my makeup on, and I just really,

really want to be on my own.

Okay.

It's just...

It's been so crazy with my sisters in the hospital,

and I just really...

Well, it's just really lovely to sit in silence.

Yeah. I just want to potter.

Is that okay?

Em... Do you hate me?

But I just want to make sure this isn't a polite way to ghost me.

No, definitely not.

It's just nice to have absolutely no one around

and not be tripping over people or Lego or have someone need me.

Okay, I'm going to hang up now before

I start taking this personally.

Okay, bye. I'll see you soon.

Hi, Luke. Hi, Mags.

Is Anna around? No, actually, she's not.

I haven't seen her.

Your dad here?

No, he's gone to Dundrum to collect Mum and get some dinner.

Alright, nice.

Are you okay?

Do you want to come in? It's just me here.

Kate's in bed. Yeah.

Sorry, Maggie, I don't really know why I'm here, to be honest.

I went to go and see Rachel, and...

I don't know.

I feel a bit weird about the whole thing.

Come on in. We'll put on the kettle.

Okay.

Mum was telling me that you have to say everything in front

of the whole group.

Yeah.

I felt like such a bully.

They told me it would help her if I was brutally honest, so I was.

They said that she's as sick as her secrets.

Whatever that means.

I don't know what that means,

but I know that she's gonna...

eventually know that you were just trying to help her.

Will she?

Yeah.

I saw how hurt she was, Mags.

I mean, I told her I didn't love her.

But you do. Of course, I love her.

I just don't know where we go from here.

I would ask you to come back to my house,

but I've got my cousins are staying there at the moment.

So it's not really worth it. No, it's fine.

I have a lecture. Do you?

Yeah, that's my night in college. Oh, God.

See, your woman is going to be in Dancing with the Stars.

I don't know half the people in that programme any more.

I mean, who even is she

only the daughter of your man with the radio voice.

Mm.

Mary.

Helen.

It is. At least she's got the school bag.

God forgive me for doubting her.

I never actually thought she was going to those lectures.

What are you doing? What-

Mary.

Oh, fuck.

What?

Is that your mum? Yeah.

Helen Walsh? Mum.

Are you okay?

You were supposed to be the easy one.

The fifth child is supposed to slot right in.

I already have a troublemaker, a drama queen, an unreliable,

and a people pleaser. Come on, Helen, give me a break.

Will you please stop. No, will you stop?

No, I'm not going to change my life because you're a homophobe.

A homophobe?

I don't give a shit who you're kissing

be it man, woman, or feckin' gender fluid.

But vaping.

My daughter, a vapist.

Fifth, you said you were an only child.

I...

Well, that's a really weird thing to lie about.

Why would you lie about that?

You a full on catfish?

No, no, Sam.

Look, no, I...

There are no long-term studies about the effects of vaping.

Could you not just be normal and smoke a cigarette?

She seems kind of nice.

What's a catfish?

You wouldn't understand. Well, I might.

Try me.

So go on. How was your night?

Did you get some rest?

Yeah. Did you?

Well, no, actually, because Garv didn't text me back.

And no matter what is going on with us,

we always text each other back.

And then he rang this morning to say, Oh, sorry,

he was stuck in meetings.

And you don't believe him?

But that's happened before, hasn't it?

No, I do believe him.

I'm just afraid that the schedule and everything's pissed him off.

Ah, Mags.

I just think you're being too sensitive.

Just one night.

Probably hormonal.

Possibly. Yeah.

I cancelled my date last night.

I know.

I was really looking forward to it.

I was just so tired.

And the idea of a night alone...

No, no Kate, no talking, questions,

no fights over brushing teeth. I just...

Am I terrible? No, you're not terrible.

I just...

I'm sorry that you find it so hard.

Sometimes I just wish I was child free.

You know?

I can't wish that now. I love Kate.

Just wish I'd never had her. No, because...

Because now she's here.

My life would be destroyed if anything happened to her.

I love her. She's mine.

If I never had her, never met her,

I think I would have a really beautiful life child free.

Legend.

Shove up.

So?

Mum tells me you're a lesbian now. Excuse me?

Jesus, Claire. What?

Said she saw you kissing a girl down by the village.

Oh, that makes me a lesbian now, does it?

Does it not? Fundamentally, yes.

No, it doesn't.

Well, then what are you?

What do you mean what am I?

Well, come on.

I can't be dealing with all this woke stuff.

Are you gay or not? No, I just...

You know, there's so few sane people in the world

that if I meet one, I tend to want to spend more time with them.

Fair.

Yeah, and wise.

Fair and wise. Oh, my God.

This is a oat latte, right?

Hey, love, just leaving work. I'll see you at home.

I'll pick up Chinese on the way. Love you.

Hi.

Hey.

I'm at home. I think about you all the time.

I have a pain in my stomach from missing you.

It feels like I have appendicitis.

I don't even have my appendix.

Do you have your appendix?

I never asked about your appendix or your tonsils.

I am never going to know more about you than I already know.

And it makes me feel like I can't stand up straight.

I just... don't know what to do, Aidan.

It's not fair.

It's not fair.

No.

It's just going to be Dan trying to give me drugs.

No, it's not.

Stay.

Please.

Stay.

Janie?

Is...

Whose baby is that?

Can I come in?

Yeah.

Do you want to hold him? No.

Sorry.

Can't. That's okay.

I know it's a lot for you to take in.

It was a lot for him too.

Ohh.

Yeah, I should have said it sooner.

I just...

Well, I wasn't sure, and...

he was so happy with you.

Sorry.

Sorry, this is just too fucking strange.

You're trying to tell me that that baby is half Aidan's,

but Aidan also loved me but didn't tell me he had a child.

He didn't know until the day of the car crash.

I swear to you.

Aidan and I, we grew up together.

We've known each other our whole lives.

We moved here together and we loved each other,

but we were never in love.

We weren't made for each other.

At the moment he met you, he was obsessed.

We all went for goodbye drinks,

and he spoke about you to everyone.

Sorry not to be rude, but can you just...

get to the part where you got pregnant with his child?

It's not the prettiest story.

I mean, it's Aidan.

We sometimes, rarely,

hooked up when we were drunk.

Before you, obviously.

But, well, just before.

I was seeing somebody at the time,

so I didn't tell Aidan that I was pregnant.

I didn't want to make things weird, but...

I was with Mark, and Aidan was with you, and we drifted.

Naturally.

So why did you blow up his whole life?

Why not just keep it yourself?

Because once I knew this child was Aidan's,

I couldn't keep that from him.

He would have been an amazing father.

So what?

I'm just meant to be okay with the fact

that you have my fiancé's baby,

and I'm never going to get that chance.

I'm not saying you have to be okay with it.

Maybe it was wrong of me to come here.

I just thought this is all that's left of a man

that we both really cared about,

and I thought it would bring you some odd comfort.

I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't...

I just can't do this on my own.

I'm so sorry, you're going to have to leave.

Okay.

Um...

Come here.

I'm so proud of you. See you soon, alright?

To your Majesty.

Alright, I'm done.

I'll see you all at the meetings, alright?

You, as well.

Hey.

You said you were off at 6:00.

Obviously never spent any time with the doctor.

No, you're right, I haven't.

But I'd like to spend more time with you.

So you're not going to cancel last minute if I ask out again?

I mean, I hope not.

Yeah?

Do you mind if I come in? Sure.

Okay.

Yeah, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry by what I said.

I was just really angry and embarrassed,

and I took it out on you.

You sure did.

How did that make you feel?

Great.

And then, shit.

Kind of like cocaine.

You know you're right, Rachel.

I don't have children.

I've made peace with it now,

but it took a while.

It was hard to accept that I had wasted every moment

of my fertile years with a needle in any vein I could find.

I...

I didn't know. Well, you do know.

We're all the same, addicts.

Maybe my experience can help you one day.

I'm really sorry for saying it.

I didn't even know if it was true.

Do you find silence uncomfortable?

Eh... I don't know.

My...

My house is loud.

Work's loud.

My head's really loud.

So I don't know.

It's just hard to find quiet, I suppose.

I hear you.

I used to only find it when I was running.

Oh, don't like running.

I tried it once, but, eh...

it just felt like someone was chasing me.

So I don't know.

It just made me feel more anxious.

Say more.

I don't know.

I just got this feeling.

I always get it. It's like...

It's like I'm a raindrop that had just hit the sea,

and it swallows me up. I'm gone.

Yeah, I just...

I got lost in it.

And...

And one day, I just said to myself, I was just like,

Ugh.

What is the point in all this?

I feel like shit all the time.

So, em...

I take drugs to stop feeling like shit,

and then the drugs wear off,

and then I just feel worse.

I was just so tired.

So I just, I ran and I ran, and then I ran until I got to the sea.

And?

Well,

dad was obsessed with us getting swimming lessons as kids.

So I'm actually a really good swimmer.

So there was no point.

That's the first positive thing I ever heard you say about yourself.

Yeah. Woo! I can swim.

Eh...

Then it's just like, if I go in, I'm just going to be wet and sad,

which is objectively worse than just being sad.

So there was no point.

So what did you do then?

I just rounded off the usual suspects and got fucked up.

And?

It was amazing.

I remember the first time I tried to coke,

and I remember thinking,

all these people know the secret,

and no one told me.

But I found out for myself.

And then I was like, I want to know what other secrets

these bastard have.

So...

the day I was going to go into the sea,

cocaine saved me.

Yeah, you're right.

Drugs have saved you, but they're not working any more.

How long has it been since you, em...

used?

25 years.

One day at a time.

Wow.

How?

That's like a whole lifetime.

Meetings.

A good sponsor.

No excitement for about a year.

I mean, try and stay in the same emotional temperature.

Nothing that makes you too sad or too happy or too anything.

But you're not ready to leave yet.

Don't worry.

We'll get Celine to go with you to the memorial,

and she'll help you cope with all that emotion.

Well, I just don't think anyone wants to see my face.

Nobody wants me.

Anna doesn't want me.

Luke doesn't want me.

Chris doesn't even fucking want me.

It is really painful,

but this is everything addiction has taken from you.

So how do I get it back?

I mean,

how do I get everyone to like me again?

You can't, love.

You just have to like yourself.

But I don't.

I don't.

I know.

But you will.

25 years...

Anna. Hey.

Are you okay?

We were just talking about the memorial.

I was thinking maybe do you want to say a few words?

Yeah, I was going to make a slide show of photos.

Can I take them for your phone?

We can help you write a speech now. Do you want to sit down inside?

No, I'm not going to say anything.

I didn't know him at all.

I literally knew nothing about him.

I'm just stupid and impulsive and never can see that.

And that's why everybody takes advantage of me.

Anna, what are you talking about? I need to lie down.

We have nothing prepared for tomorrow.

No one cares, Claire.

Do you want us to cancel it? I don't care...

Well, we can't cancel it because everybody's been invited.

So you go and have your lie down, Anna.

You do the music, you do the photos.

And if she doesn't want to say anything...

What?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Has something else happened, Anna?

Baby.

Like, what do you mean?

And then you come into my house with your stupid fucking little bob,

and then I'm meant to just be okay with that?

How am I even... What am I supposed to do with that?

Who are you talking to? What?

Myself.

Okay. Are you responding?

Because that's a sign of psychosis. No, I'm not responding.

Well, I don't have the answers.

Okay.

What do you need? Rachel.

I need to speak to Rachel.

Here. Want some?

Yeah. Lovely.

No, I don't do sugar. Oh, come on.

Just eat some. No, I'm good.

Here, I'll have some.

Rachel, where does your sister live?

In the Blackrock. Why?

I just have never seen this chocolate outside of an airport.

Oh, fuck. What's wrong?

I forgot about the airport pints.

How the fuck am I meant to go on holiday sober?

You'll be alright. You'll manage.

I watched this literally 20 men in suits flock to the bar

to help this lad who was close to a relapse.

When you get out, you call me.

I'll take you to a meeting. You'll be alright.

Anna.

Anna, hi. Stop, stop.

Are you okay?

Am I okay?

Are you serious? Yeah, Anna, you look really...

You're scaring me. Do you want to come and...?

Are you happy, Rachel?

Is this what you wanted?

Me all to yourself?

Are you fucking happy now?

You and your awful obsession with yourself and getting what you want.

Anna, please. No, don't even try.

I never want to hear your voice ever again.

Did you just come here to have a go with me?

No, Rachel.

I came here because Aidan has a fucking baby with another woman.

And I realised I have been so dependent on you for my entire life

that I don't even know how I feel about something

until I know how you feel about it.

And then I come here and I see your stupid face and your junkie friends,

and I realised you will never feel how I do.

No, you'll always, you'll always get what you need.

You're like a tree growing through the wall.

You'll always find a way to make friends and get your own way.

And you don't give a shit about who you damage in the process.

That's not true.

It's not true.

I'm so sorry.

Actually, yeah, it is true for everyone else in the world,

but not you.

I really, really, really give a shit.

No.

No, you don't.

Look, please.

I'm in fucking rehab, okay?

I'm trying.

I just want to wipe the slate clean, Anna.

It's my slate.

You don't get to wipe it clean.

So what?

What about the memorial or the funeral or whatever?

Yeah obviously I want you to come to the memorial.

But I don't want you there.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

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