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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:05,795 --> 00:01:09,465 Oh, hello... 2 00:01:29,443 --> 00:01:31,487 - Jean Francois? 3 00:01:31,487 --> 00:01:32,613 Jean Francois? 4 00:02:06,856 --> 00:02:07,690 - Jean Francois! 5 00:02:16,490 --> 00:02:17,366 - Mon Dieu! 6 00:02:38,053 --> 00:02:39,513 - You in the robes! 7 00:02:39,513 --> 00:02:41,348 Put down the weapon of mass destruction 8 00:02:41,348 --> 00:02:43,017 and get on the ground! 9 00:02:43,017 --> 00:02:44,727 You are under arrest. 10 00:02:56,614 --> 00:02:59,366 Put down your weapons now! 11 00:03:00,534 --> 00:03:02,995 - Why can't we ever do this the easy way? 12 00:03:12,338 --> 00:03:14,465 - World Police, get down on the ground! 13 00:03:24,058 --> 00:03:25,351 - Hey terrorist! 14 00:03:27,019 --> 00:03:28,229 Terrorize this. 15 00:03:40,449 --> 00:03:43,202 - All right, let's make this interesting. 16 00:03:43,202 --> 00:03:43,994 Hee-yah! 17 00:03:46,497 --> 00:03:47,331 - Yah! 18 00:04:08,727 --> 00:04:12,314 You lose. 19 00:04:14,483 --> 00:04:16,318 - He's getting away with the WMD! 20 00:04:16,318 --> 00:04:17,278 - I got him. 21 00:04:29,999 --> 00:04:31,208 Damn, I missed him. 22 00:04:31,208 --> 00:04:32,126 - Sarah, he's got the bomb. 23 00:04:32,126 --> 00:04:33,585 You got a fix? 24 00:04:35,587 --> 00:04:36,630 - I got him, Carson. 25 00:04:36,630 --> 00:04:37,589 He's heading for the Louvre. 26 00:04:39,925 --> 00:04:41,552 Your plans are over. 27 00:04:53,272 --> 00:04:54,315 - All right, Sarah! 28 00:04:54,315 --> 00:04:55,816 - Yeah! - All right, team! 29 00:04:55,816 --> 00:04:57,735 - Nothing to it. 30 00:04:57,735 --> 00:04:59,194 - Woo! - All right. 31 00:05:02,031 --> 00:05:03,657 - Bonjour, everyone. 32 00:05:03,657 --> 00:05:04,742 Don't worry! 33 00:05:04,742 --> 00:05:06,243 Everything is bon. 34 00:05:06,243 --> 00:05:08,370 We stopped the terrorists. 35 00:05:19,214 --> 00:05:22,384 - I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here. 36 00:05:22,384 --> 00:05:24,386 - Oh yeah? 'Bout what? 37 00:05:24,386 --> 00:05:28,474 - I was thinking that I want you to marry me. 38 00:05:28,474 --> 00:05:30,142 - Don't joke about that! 39 00:05:30,142 --> 00:05:31,352 - Who's joking? 40 00:05:35,522 --> 00:05:36,357 - Joe to Sarah! 41 00:05:36,357 --> 00:05:38,317 Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake. 42 00:05:38,317 --> 00:05:39,985 - He finally popped the question? 43 00:05:39,985 --> 00:05:42,196 - Lisa, you're an amazing woman, 44 00:05:42,196 --> 00:05:44,406 and a damn fine cop, 45 00:05:44,406 --> 00:05:47,368 and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 46 00:05:47,368 --> 00:05:48,994 - Oh Carson, Carson. 47 00:05:52,581 --> 00:05:53,916 Carson! 48 00:06:00,047 --> 00:06:00,839 No! 49 00:06:07,388 --> 00:06:08,180 Carson! 50 00:06:09,098 --> 00:06:12,059 Feel so cold. 51 00:06:12,059 --> 00:06:13,769 - You have to hang on, Carson. 52 00:06:13,769 --> 00:06:15,521 - Sorry, babe. 53 00:06:15,521 --> 00:06:18,190 Looks like this was a one-way ticket. 54 00:06:18,190 --> 00:06:18,982 - No! 55 00:06:20,567 --> 00:06:23,112 - Lisa, you have to live on, 56 00:06:23,112 --> 00:06:25,239 Find someone else who will love you. 57 00:06:25,239 --> 00:06:27,366 Find someone else and be happy. 58 00:06:27,366 --> 00:06:28,575 You deserve it. 59 00:06:33,914 --> 00:06:34,706 - No! 60 00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:37,126 No, no! 61 00:07:03,694 --> 00:07:06,738 ♪ Everyone has AIDS ♪ 62 00:07:06,738 --> 00:07:09,783 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 63 00:07:09,783 --> 00:07:12,578 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 64 00:07:12,578 --> 00:07:17,166 ♪ Everyone has AIDS ♪ 65 00:07:17,166 --> 00:07:19,793 ♪ And so this is the end of our story ♪ 66 00:07:19,793 --> 00:07:23,464 ♪ And everyone is dead from AIDS ♪ 67 00:07:23,464 --> 00:07:28,427 ♪ It took from me my best friend, my only true pal ♪ 68 00:07:29,261 --> 00:07:30,846 ♪ My only bright star ♪ 69 00:07:30,846 --> 00:07:32,389 ♪ He died of AIDS ♪ 70 00:07:32,389 --> 00:07:34,808 ♪ Well I'm gonna march on Washington ♪ 71 00:07:34,808 --> 00:07:38,187 ♪ Lead the fight and charge the brigades ♪ 72 00:07:38,187 --> 00:07:41,023 ♪ There's a hero inside of all of us ♪ 73 00:07:41,023 --> 00:07:43,609 ♪ I'll make them see everyone has AIDS ♪ 74 00:07:43,609 --> 00:07:44,443 ♪ My father ♪ 75 00:07:44,443 --> 00:07:45,277 ♪ AIDS ♪ 76 00:07:45,277 --> 00:07:46,111 ♪ My sister ♪ 77 00:07:46,111 --> 00:07:46,945 ♪ AIDS ♪ 78 00:07:46,945 --> 00:07:48,197 ♪ My uncle and my cousin and her best friend ♪ 79 00:07:48,197 --> 00:07:49,531 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 80 00:07:49,531 --> 00:07:53,118 ♪ The gays and the straights and the whites and the spades ♪ 81 00:07:53,118 --> 00:07:54,870 ♪ Everyone has AIDS ♪ 82 00:07:54,870 --> 00:07:56,497 ♪ My grandma and my dog old Blue ♪ 83 00:07:56,497 --> 00:07:57,456 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 84 00:07:57,456 --> 00:07:59,416 ♪ The Pope has got it and so do you ♪ 85 00:07:59,416 --> 00:08:00,250 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 86 00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:02,586 ♪ Come on everybody we got quilting to do ♪ 87 00:08:02,586 --> 00:08:03,420 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 88 00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:05,172 ♪ We're gonna break down these barricades ♪ 89 00:08:05,172 --> 00:08:07,424 ♪ Everyone has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 90 00:08:07,424 --> 00:08:10,135 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 91 00:08:10,135 --> 00:08:12,304 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 92 00:08:21,438 --> 00:08:22,397 - Great job, Gary. 93 00:08:22,397 --> 00:08:23,857 - Thanks. You too, Steve. 94 00:08:23,857 --> 00:08:26,485 - That was the greatest acting I've ever seen. 95 00:08:26,485 --> 00:08:27,945 - I just don't know how you do it, Gary. 96 00:08:27,945 --> 00:08:30,030 How do you make yourself so somber and emotional 97 00:08:30,030 --> 00:08:31,532 to make everybody cry like that? 98 00:08:31,532 --> 00:08:34,034 - It's not that hard, really. 99 00:08:34,034 --> 00:08:37,913 I just think about the saddest moment in my life. 100 00:08:41,917 --> 00:08:43,210 - Man, wow. 101 00:08:43,210 --> 00:08:45,337 Gary is such a great guy. 102 00:08:55,347 --> 00:08:56,265 Gary, help me, help me! 103 00:08:56,265 --> 00:08:59,560 Get this thing off of me, Gary! 104 00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:01,478 - Hello, young man. 105 00:09:01,478 --> 00:09:04,064 Congratulations on a terrific performance. 106 00:09:04,064 --> 00:09:05,691 - Oh, thank you. 107 00:09:05,691 --> 00:09:08,068 I don't believe we've met, Mr...? 108 00:09:08,068 --> 00:09:10,904 - The name is Spottswoode. 109 00:09:12,864 --> 00:09:14,157 - Well, nice to meet you. 110 00:09:14,157 --> 00:09:16,159 - And you are Gary Johnston. 111 00:09:16,159 --> 00:09:17,661 All-American actor who graduated 112 00:09:17,661 --> 00:09:19,705 Iowa University summa cum laude 113 00:09:19,705 --> 00:09:22,624 with a double major in theater and world languages. 114 00:09:22,624 --> 00:09:23,542 You've been at the top of every 115 00:09:23,542 --> 00:09:25,419 acting class since you were a child. 116 00:09:25,419 --> 00:09:26,545 Top-gun actor. 117 00:09:29,548 --> 00:09:32,718 - Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood? 118 00:09:32,718 --> 00:09:35,387 - I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. 119 00:09:35,387 --> 00:09:38,557 If you're interested, follow me this way. 120 00:09:56,658 --> 00:09:59,161 Please, Gary, step into my car. 121 00:10:02,331 --> 00:10:03,624 - Oh, I get it. 122 00:10:03,624 --> 00:10:04,708 I'm supposed to get in your car 123 00:10:04,708 --> 00:10:06,460 and let you put your finger inside me. 124 00:10:06,460 --> 00:10:10,088 Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part. 125 00:10:10,088 --> 00:10:12,924 - No, I just want to show you something. 126 00:10:12,924 --> 00:10:14,384 - Yeah, I'll bet you do. 127 00:10:14,384 --> 00:10:16,219 - Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood, 128 00:10:16,219 --> 00:10:17,512 I'm not going to fuck your mouth, 129 00:10:17,512 --> 00:10:20,307 and my time is extremely valuable. 130 00:10:31,443 --> 00:10:33,278 - Jesus, this is a nice limo. 131 00:10:33,278 --> 00:10:34,946 - Yes, it is. 132 00:10:34,946 --> 00:10:36,406 Now, suck my cock. 133 00:10:37,991 --> 00:10:40,035 Just kidding. 134 00:10:47,209 --> 00:10:49,711 - All right, just what the hell is this about? 135 00:10:49,711 --> 00:10:52,714 - I hate to break this to you, Gary, 136 00:10:52,714 --> 00:10:56,009 but some people out there want you dead. 137 00:10:56,009 --> 00:10:57,010 - Dead? 138 00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:58,512 - They're called terrorists, Gary. 139 00:10:58,512 --> 00:11:01,223 And they hate everything about you. 140 00:11:01,223 --> 00:11:02,599 - Why, what did I do to them? 141 00:11:02,599 --> 00:11:04,810 I'm just a Broadway actor. 142 00:11:04,810 --> 00:11:06,186 - It's not who you are, Gary, 143 00:11:06,186 --> 00:11:07,729 it's what you stand for. 144 00:11:07,729 --> 00:11:09,981 And every single minute of every single day, 145 00:11:09,981 --> 00:11:11,983 the terrorists are planning new ways to kill you 146 00:11:11,983 --> 00:11:16,071 and everyone else who lives in a free country. 147 00:11:16,071 --> 00:11:19,574 The only thing standing in their way is us. 148 00:11:20,992 --> 00:11:22,452 - You? 149 00:11:22,452 --> 00:11:26,331 - Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now. 150 00:11:58,780 --> 00:12:01,158 - Okay, a limousine that can fly. 151 00:12:01,158 --> 00:12:02,784 Now I have seen everything. 152 00:12:02,784 --> 00:12:03,618 - Really? 153 00:12:03,618 --> 00:12:05,954 Have you seen a man eat his own head? 154 00:12:05,954 --> 00:12:06,872 - No. 155 00:12:06,872 --> 00:12:08,915 - So then you haven't seen everything. 156 00:12:08,915 --> 00:12:11,209 And neither have we. 157 00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:13,003 Last week in Paris, we caught four terrorists 158 00:12:13,003 --> 00:12:15,881 with a weapon of mass destruction. 159 00:12:15,881 --> 00:12:19,843 The terrorists are planning something very big. 160 00:12:19,843 --> 00:12:22,429 - And just what does this have to do with me? 161 00:12:22,429 --> 00:12:25,182 - Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist 162 00:12:25,182 --> 00:12:27,809 who wants to help them carry out the attack. 163 00:12:27,809 --> 00:12:29,436 An actor convincing enough to make 164 00:12:29,436 --> 00:12:32,773 the terrorists think he's one of them. 165 00:12:32,773 --> 00:12:33,607 - This is crazy. 166 00:12:33,607 --> 00:12:35,609 I'm an actor, not a spy. 167 00:12:35,609 --> 00:12:37,486 That's all spying is: acting. 168 00:12:37,486 --> 00:12:39,488 And they say you're the best. 169 00:12:39,488 --> 00:12:40,906 An actor with a double major 170 00:12:40,906 --> 00:12:42,657 in theater and world languages. 171 00:12:42,657 --> 00:12:45,786 Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary. 172 00:12:47,454 --> 00:12:48,330 - Look out! 173 00:13:19,402 --> 00:13:22,697 - Right this way, you maverick renegade. 174 00:13:34,417 --> 00:13:36,127 Welcome to Team Base. 175 00:13:37,838 --> 00:13:40,006 Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback 176 00:13:40,006 --> 00:13:41,883 from the University of Nebraska. 177 00:13:41,883 --> 00:13:43,760 He's a natural-born leader. 178 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,679 - I've heard a lot about your acting, Mr. Johnston. 179 00:13:45,679 --> 00:13:48,515 Hope it's as good as they say it is. 180 00:13:48,515 --> 00:13:49,933 - And this is Sarah, 181 00:13:49,933 --> 00:13:52,435 the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant 182 00:13:52,435 --> 00:13:54,020 in San Francisco. 183 00:13:54,020 --> 00:13:58,149 - I sense that you're slightly confused right now. 184 00:13:59,276 --> 00:14:01,278 - That's supposed to be Carson's replacement, 185 00:14:01,278 --> 00:14:03,029 a fucking actor? 186 00:14:03,029 --> 00:14:04,155 - Don't mind Chris. 187 00:14:04,155 --> 00:14:05,699 He may be lacking courtesy, 188 00:14:05,699 --> 00:14:09,244 but he's the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer. 189 00:14:09,244 --> 00:14:10,453 - That's right, actor. 190 00:14:10,453 --> 00:14:13,874 Just stay the fuck away from me. 191 00:14:13,874 --> 00:14:16,501 - And finally, we have our psychology expert. 192 00:14:16,501 --> 00:14:17,544 Where's Lisa? 193 00:14:18,461 --> 00:14:20,922 Right here. 194 00:14:28,263 --> 00:14:29,514 - Gary, this is Lisa. 195 00:14:29,514 --> 00:14:32,350 She specializes in how the terrorists think. 196 00:14:32,350 --> 00:14:34,227 - Usually a case of malignant narcissism 197 00:14:34,227 --> 00:14:36,438 brought on during childhood. 198 00:14:36,438 --> 00:14:39,190 - We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary. 199 00:14:39,190 --> 00:14:42,527 But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs. 200 00:14:42,527 --> 00:14:45,280 And intelligence tells us they plan to use them. 201 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,699 Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.? 202 00:14:47,699 --> 00:14:49,659 - That is affirmative. 203 00:14:49,659 --> 00:14:50,827 - I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.? 204 00:14:50,827 --> 00:14:53,997 - The most sophisticated computer in the world. 205 00:14:53,997 --> 00:14:55,832 - I've intercepted communications 206 00:14:55,832 --> 00:14:57,459 that several terrorist groups 207 00:14:57,459 --> 00:15:01,212 are being organized for one massive worldwide attack. 208 00:15:01,212 --> 00:15:02,172 - From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 209 00:15:02,172 --> 00:15:05,216 has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100. 210 00:15:06,843 --> 00:15:09,012 -9/11 times 100? 211 00:15:09,012 --> 00:15:10,221 Jesus, that's... 212 00:15:10,221 --> 00:15:11,348 - Yes, 91,100. 213 00:15:15,393 --> 00:15:18,980 - Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible. 214 00:15:18,980 --> 00:15:22,025 - So how you see why we need you. 215 00:15:22,025 --> 00:15:24,444 We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep 216 00:15:24,444 --> 00:15:25,946 into the Middle East. 217 00:15:25,946 --> 00:15:27,530 If your acting is successful, 218 00:15:27,530 --> 00:15:29,407 you'll be able to get us the information we need 219 00:15:29,407 --> 00:15:32,202 to stop this whole thing from happening. 220 00:15:32,202 --> 00:15:35,121 Of course, if you're not interested, 221 00:15:35,121 --> 00:15:36,456 there's the door. 222 00:15:39,042 --> 00:15:40,669 - All right. Thanks. 223 00:15:47,717 --> 00:15:48,510 - Huh. 224 00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:55,100 - Gary, hey, hold on a second. 225 00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:56,393 Don't you understand? 226 00:15:56,393 --> 00:15:59,020 Every country in the world is in danger. 227 00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:01,773 - How is it my responsibility to do something? 228 00:16:01,773 --> 00:16:03,400 - Because like it or not, 229 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,195 you're the one with the power to do something. 230 00:16:08,738 --> 00:16:09,698 - I can't fight terrorists. 231 00:16:09,698 --> 00:16:11,908 I don't know anything about guns or jets. 232 00:16:11,908 --> 00:16:14,285 - That doesn't matter. 233 00:16:14,285 --> 00:16:17,539 If you wanna help people, all that matters, Gary, 234 00:16:17,539 --> 00:16:19,332 is what you have here. 235 00:16:26,631 --> 00:16:28,800 Just think about it, okay? 236 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,051 Here, take this. 237 00:16:34,764 --> 00:16:36,933 Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. 238 00:16:36,933 --> 00:16:40,478 Your freedom's at stake too. 239 00:16:53,533 --> 00:16:55,869 - What do you think Spottswoode sees in him? 240 00:16:55,869 --> 00:16:59,664 - I don't know, but I think I see it too. 241 00:17:15,722 --> 00:17:16,848 - Hey, Baxter. 242 00:17:18,933 --> 00:17:20,727 I wanna take a detour. 243 00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:24,731 ♪ What would you do ♪ 244 00:17:24,731 --> 00:17:29,694 ♪ If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom ♪ 245 00:17:30,070 --> 00:17:31,988 ♪ What would you do ♪ 246 00:17:31,988 --> 00:17:36,534 ♪ If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice? ♪ 247 00:17:36,534 --> 00:17:39,829 ♪ Would you think about all them people ♪ 248 00:17:39,829 --> 00:17:43,792 ♪ Who gave up everything they had ♪ 249 00:17:43,792 --> 00:17:47,337 ♪ Would you think about all them war vets ♪ 250 00:17:47,337 --> 00:17:52,300 ♪ And would you start to feel bad ♪ 251 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,888 ♪ Freedom isn't free ♪ 252 00:17:56,888 --> 00:18:00,600 ♪ It costs folks like you and me ♪ 253 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,936 ♪ And if we don't all chip in ♪ 254 00:18:02,936 --> 00:18:07,857 ♪ We'll never pay that bill ♪ 255 00:18:08,733 --> 00:18:12,070 ♪ Freedom isn't free ♪ 256 00:18:12,070 --> 00:18:15,698 ♪ No, there's a hefty fucking fee ♪ 257 00:18:15,698 --> 00:18:17,575 ♪ And if you don't throw in ♪ 258 00:18:17,575 --> 00:18:22,539 ♪ Your buck o'five, who will ♪ 259 00:18:23,748 --> 00:18:26,251 ♪ Buck o'five ♪ 260 00:18:26,251 --> 00:18:30,046 ♪ Freedom costs a buck o'five ♪ 261 00:19:10,128 --> 00:19:11,588 - Our dear leader, Kim Jong Il, 262 00:19:11,588 --> 00:19:13,173 says the weapons of mass destruction 263 00:19:13,173 --> 00:19:15,884 you requested are ready for you to take. 264 00:19:15,884 --> 00:19:17,927 - I am still in the process of recruiting 265 00:19:17,927 --> 00:19:20,430 and training new terrorists for the attack. 266 00:19:20,430 --> 00:19:22,223 We take weapons later. 267 00:19:30,273 --> 00:19:32,984 - He asks what part of the deal you did not understand. 268 00:19:32,984 --> 00:19:34,444 He says perhaps his translator 269 00:19:34,444 --> 00:19:35,987 did not make it clear to you. 270 00:19:35,987 --> 00:19:39,282 He says he should fire his translator? 271 00:19:42,952 --> 00:19:46,623 - Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am? 272 00:19:46,623 --> 00:19:48,124 I cannot berieve that I actually have 273 00:19:48,124 --> 00:19:49,918 a Chechnyan standing here telling me 274 00:19:49,918 --> 00:19:52,086 when he's gonna take a derivery. 275 00:19:52,086 --> 00:19:52,879 Herro? 276 00:19:53,963 --> 00:19:56,507 - Perhaps we can be ready sooner. 277 00:19:56,507 --> 00:19:59,135 - Yes, perhaps you can. 278 00:19:59,135 --> 00:20:01,262 Now, take your weapons of mass destruction 279 00:20:01,262 --> 00:20:03,640 and get the fuck out of here. 280 00:20:22,116 --> 00:20:23,826 - I had to come back. 281 00:20:24,953 --> 00:20:26,287 - I know you did, son. 282 00:20:26,287 --> 00:20:28,122 - I still say this is a fucking mistake. 283 00:20:28,122 --> 00:20:29,249 - Stop it, Chris. 284 00:20:29,249 --> 00:20:32,043 I sense that you're making him feel intimidated. 285 00:20:32,043 --> 00:20:33,753 - Gary, I'm afraid there's no time. 286 00:20:33,753 --> 00:20:34,629 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us 287 00:20:34,629 --> 00:20:36,256 the attack is imminent. 288 00:20:36,256 --> 00:20:37,090 We need you to act like 289 00:20:37,090 --> 00:20:39,550 a Middle Eastern terrorist right away. 290 00:20:39,550 --> 00:20:41,135 - There's just one problem. 291 00:20:41,135 --> 00:20:43,972 I don't look Middle Eastern. 292 00:20:43,972 --> 00:20:48,017 Leave that to us. 293 00:20:58,903 --> 00:21:00,905 - Sarah's a professional at skin grafting 294 00:21:00,905 --> 00:21:03,157 and laser valmoriphication. 295 00:21:03,157 --> 00:21:05,743 - Just try to be still. 296 00:21:42,947 --> 00:21:44,115 - Amazing. 297 00:21:44,115 --> 00:21:46,034 - The valmoriphication completely worked. 298 00:21:46,034 --> 00:21:48,286 - Sit up and take a look, Gary. 299 00:21:54,751 --> 00:21:55,960 - It's uncanny. 300 00:21:57,045 --> 00:21:59,922 - You're going to fool everyone, Gary. 301 00:21:59,922 --> 00:22:01,883 Or should I say, Hakmed. 302 00:22:03,634 --> 00:22:04,969 All right, team, we've only got 303 00:22:04,969 --> 00:22:07,347 one shot at this, so listen up. 304 00:22:07,347 --> 00:22:09,640 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications 305 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,225 that terrorists from different countries 306 00:22:11,225 --> 00:22:14,354 are gathering at a tavern here, in Cairo. 307 00:22:14,354 --> 00:22:16,397 - Cairo, that's in Egypt. 308 00:22:17,565 --> 00:22:19,692 - Exactly right, Joe. 309 00:22:19,692 --> 00:22:21,486 Now, team, your mission will be 310 00:22:21,486 --> 00:22:23,905 to get Gary into that tavern. 311 00:22:23,905 --> 00:22:27,075 And once he's on the inside, cover his back. 312 00:22:27,075 --> 00:22:29,410 Gary, you must use your acting to find out 313 00:22:29,410 --> 00:22:33,039 any information you can from the terrorists. 314 00:22:34,123 --> 00:22:37,502 Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown 315 00:22:37,502 --> 00:22:39,921 and the terrorists take you prisoner, 316 00:22:39,921 --> 00:22:43,383 well, you'll probably want to take your own life. 317 00:22:43,383 --> 00:22:45,760 Here, you'd better have this. 318 00:22:51,349 --> 00:22:52,767 All right, team, that's it. 319 00:22:52,767 --> 00:22:54,394 We've got a job to do. 320 00:22:54,394 --> 00:22:56,521 Let's go police the world. 321 00:22:58,106 --> 00:23:01,275 ♪ America ♪ 322 00:23:01,275 --> 00:23:04,737 ♪ America ♪ 323 00:23:04,737 --> 00:23:07,365 ♪ America, fuck yeah ♪ 324 00:23:07,365 --> 00:23:10,118 ♪ Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah ♪ 325 00:23:10,118 --> 00:23:13,037 ♪ America, fuck yeah ♪ 326 00:23:13,037 --> 00:23:15,998 ♪ Freedom is the only way, yeah ♪ 327 00:23:15,998 --> 00:23:18,584 ♪ Terrorists, your game is through ♪ 328 00:23:18,584 --> 00:23:21,462 ♪ 'Cause now you have to answer to ♪ 329 00:23:21,462 --> 00:23:24,173 ♪ America, fuck yeah ♪ 330 00:23:24,173 --> 00:23:27,051 ♪ So lick my butt and suck on my balls ♪ 331 00:23:27,051 --> 00:23:29,762 ♪ America, fuck yeah ♪ 332 00:23:32,140 --> 00:23:35,268 - What if the old man is wrong about him, huh? 333 00:23:35,268 --> 00:23:36,519 What if he's not the great actor 334 00:23:36,519 --> 00:23:38,563 Spottswoode says he is? 335 00:23:40,106 --> 00:23:43,067 - Why don't you trust actors, Chris? 336 00:23:44,485 --> 00:23:46,028 - I got my reasons. 337 00:23:50,950 --> 00:23:53,453 - You all right, Gary? 338 00:23:53,453 --> 00:23:55,455 - I was just thinking. 339 00:23:55,455 --> 00:23:57,081 On-stage, if I mess up a line, 340 00:23:57,081 --> 00:23:59,083 it could mean a bad review. 341 00:23:59,083 --> 00:24:01,878 If I mess up here, we're all dead. 342 00:24:04,213 --> 00:24:07,091 - I believe you can do this, Gary. 343 00:24:07,091 --> 00:24:08,092 - Why? 344 00:24:08,092 --> 00:24:10,970 What reason do you have to believe? 345 00:24:11,971 --> 00:24:15,016 - Sometimes believing is all we have. 346 00:25:10,279 --> 00:25:11,697 - Fear not, Muslim friends. 347 00:25:11,697 --> 00:25:13,658 We're here to find terrorists. 348 00:25:13,658 --> 00:25:17,370 I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety. 349 00:25:17,370 --> 00:25:18,621 - All right, good job, Sarah. 350 00:25:18,621 --> 00:25:21,123 Now, everyone make for the tavern. 351 00:25:21,123 --> 00:25:22,500 - Let's get one thing straight, actor. 352 00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:23,584 I don't trust you. 353 00:25:23,584 --> 00:25:25,670 If you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off 354 00:25:25,670 --> 00:25:26,837 and stuff them up your ass 355 00:25:26,837 --> 00:25:28,214 so that the next time you shit, 356 00:25:28,214 --> 00:25:30,216 you'll shit all over your balls, got it? 357 00:25:30,216 --> 00:25:31,467 - What's your problem with me? 358 00:25:31,467 --> 00:25:32,760 - Yeah, you wanna go? 359 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,512 - Guys, guys, guys! 360 00:25:34,512 --> 00:25:35,846 Don't you see this is just what the terrorists 361 00:25:35,846 --> 00:25:37,056 want us to do? 362 00:25:37,056 --> 00:25:38,933 The war is out there, man, out there. 363 00:25:38,933 --> 00:25:40,810 Now, pull it together. 364 00:25:42,603 --> 00:25:44,939 - All right, team, let's move to the inner city. 365 00:25:44,939 --> 00:25:46,065 Keep it quiet. 366 00:25:58,369 --> 00:25:59,412 - Clear. - Clear. 367 00:25:59,412 --> 00:26:00,329 - Clear. - Clear. 368 00:26:00,329 --> 00:26:01,539 - All right Gary, you follow me. 369 00:26:01,539 --> 00:26:02,373 The rest of the team, 370 00:26:02,373 --> 00:26:04,125 take super-secret hiding positions Alpha One. 371 00:26:08,087 --> 00:26:10,840 All right, that's the tavern with the blue door. 372 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,967 Act your way past those guards 373 00:26:12,967 --> 00:26:15,219 and see what you can find out. 374 00:26:15,219 --> 00:26:18,097 Remember, if you think they're onto you, give us the signal. 375 00:26:18,097 --> 00:26:20,057 You remember the signal? 376 00:26:22,101 --> 00:26:23,060 - That's right. 377 00:26:23,060 --> 00:26:24,770 All right, good luck. 378 00:26:27,607 --> 00:26:29,400 - Go get them, cowboy. 379 00:26:48,586 --> 00:26:51,047 - Durka Allah, Muhammad Jihad. 380 00:26:53,132 --> 00:26:56,218 Burqua Allah, Muhammad Jihad! 381 00:26:57,428 --> 00:26:58,763 Burqua Allah, Muhammad Jihad! 382 00:26:58,763 --> 00:27:00,931 La durka durka Muhammad Jihad! - Muhammad Jihad! 383 00:27:00,931 --> 00:27:02,433 - Oh, shit. 384 00:27:02,433 --> 00:27:04,310 - Come on, Gary, act. 385 00:27:04,310 --> 00:27:05,436 You have the power. 386 00:27:07,855 --> 00:27:09,815 - Fuck, durk durk Allah. 387 00:27:12,068 --> 00:27:15,237 Durka durka, Muhammad Jihad. 388 00:27:15,237 --> 00:27:17,448 Haka sherpa sherpa, bakala. 389 00:27:19,325 --> 00:27:21,994 - Oh, durka durka durka. 390 00:27:23,829 --> 00:27:25,039 - All right, Gary! 391 00:27:25,039 --> 00:27:26,749 - Told you he was top gun. 392 00:27:26,749 --> 00:27:28,709 - I've never seen acting that good. 393 00:27:28,709 --> 00:27:29,919 - He's amazing. 394 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,428 ♪ Jihad, Jihad, mulla mulla ♪ 395 00:27:48,562 --> 00:27:49,397 - Yeah, no, I know. 396 00:27:49,397 --> 00:27:51,357 It's terrible, terrible. 397 00:27:52,817 --> 00:27:55,486 - We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. 398 00:27:55,486 --> 00:27:56,445 Who are you? 399 00:27:58,447 --> 00:28:00,074 - My name is Hakmed. 400 00:28:01,075 --> 00:28:02,368 I'm a terrorist. 401 00:28:05,037 --> 00:28:09,417 Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon? 402 00:28:22,138 --> 00:28:24,557 - I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary. 403 00:28:26,767 --> 00:28:28,060 - My advice is not to get involved 404 00:28:28,060 --> 00:28:29,812 with a team member, Sarah. 405 00:28:29,812 --> 00:28:33,149 It's too painful to see them die. 406 00:28:33,149 --> 00:28:34,692 - I'm sorry, Lisa. 407 00:28:34,692 --> 00:28:35,526 I didn't mean to bring up-- 408 00:28:35,526 --> 00:28:37,403 - It's okay, Sarah. 409 00:28:37,403 --> 00:28:39,530 I treasure your friendship. 410 00:28:39,530 --> 00:28:41,574 - I treasure yours, Lisa. 411 00:28:48,247 --> 00:28:49,373 - Hey, have you ever thought 412 00:28:49,373 --> 00:28:52,334 of telling Sarah how you feel? 413 00:28:52,334 --> 00:28:54,378 - What would a girl like Sarah want 414 00:28:54,378 --> 00:28:57,465 with a simple Nebraska boy like me? 415 00:28:57,465 --> 00:28:59,258 I don't know nothing about fancy cars 416 00:28:59,258 --> 00:29:01,677 and fancy restaurants. 417 00:29:01,677 --> 00:29:03,429 Still, I'd love to show her 418 00:29:03,429 --> 00:29:06,640 a full-moon night on the cornfields. 419 00:29:20,279 --> 00:29:22,490 - What do you know? 420 00:29:22,490 --> 00:29:25,951 - I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. 421 00:29:25,951 --> 00:29:28,871 If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out. 422 00:29:28,871 --> 00:29:30,915 - Get out of here. 423 00:29:30,915 --> 00:29:33,125 We have put out a jihad on the infidels 424 00:29:33,125 --> 00:29:36,378 because they destroyed our lives. 425 00:29:36,378 --> 00:29:39,673 What do you know about pain and sadness? 426 00:29:42,927 --> 00:29:45,930 Help me, help me, Gary! 427 00:29:45,930 --> 00:29:48,474 Get this thing off of me, Gary! 428 00:29:50,726 --> 00:29:52,186 - I was just a boy when the infidels 429 00:29:52,186 --> 00:29:55,314 came to my village in their Black Hawk helicopters. 430 00:29:57,149 --> 00:29:59,026 The infidels fired at the oil fields 431 00:29:59,026 --> 00:30:01,737 and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. 432 00:30:01,737 --> 00:30:03,572 Burning oil rained down from the sky 433 00:30:03,572 --> 00:30:05,783 and cooked everything it touched. 434 00:30:05,783 --> 00:30:07,243 I could only hide myself and cry 435 00:30:07,243 --> 00:30:08,536 as my goats were consumed 436 00:30:08,536 --> 00:30:11,247 by the fiery, black liquid death. 437 00:30:13,707 --> 00:30:15,709 In the midst of the chaos, 438 00:30:15,709 --> 00:30:17,294 I could swear that I heard my goats 439 00:30:17,294 --> 00:30:18,838 screaming for help. 440 00:30:22,174 --> 00:30:25,469 As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. 441 00:30:25,469 --> 00:30:29,056 It was on that day I put a jihad on them. 442 00:30:32,893 --> 00:30:35,020 And if you don't believe it, 443 00:30:35,020 --> 00:30:37,273 then you better kill me now, 444 00:30:37,273 --> 00:30:40,234 because I'll put a jihad on you too. 445 00:30:46,323 --> 00:30:47,700 - I like you. 446 00:30:47,700 --> 00:30:49,577 You have balls. 447 00:30:49,577 --> 00:30:50,619 I like balls. 448 00:30:53,914 --> 00:30:55,416 All right, listen carefully. 449 00:30:55,416 --> 00:30:58,377 The WMDs are located in a secret bunker 20 yards 450 00:30:58,377 --> 00:31:00,004 east of this building. 451 00:31:00,004 --> 00:31:01,505 You can help us by guarding it and making-- 452 00:31:05,384 --> 00:31:07,970 Come, they're onto us! 453 00:31:07,970 --> 00:31:09,096 Hurry, friend. 454 00:31:09,096 --> 00:31:10,639 We must make our escape. 455 00:31:14,059 --> 00:31:15,019 - Shit! 456 00:31:15,019 --> 00:31:16,687 I've got five terrorists going southeast 457 00:31:16,687 --> 00:31:18,230 on Baka Laka Daka Street. 458 00:31:18,230 --> 00:31:20,357 - Don't let them get away. 459 00:31:25,696 --> 00:31:27,990 - I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern. 460 00:31:27,990 --> 00:31:28,824 - Copy, Sarah. 461 00:31:28,824 --> 00:31:32,119 You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists. 462 00:31:32,119 --> 00:31:35,080 ♪ America ♪ 463 00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:36,457 ♪ America ♪ 464 00:31:36,457 --> 00:31:37,666 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 465 00:31:37,666 --> 00:31:39,043 ♪ Coming again to save ♪ 466 00:31:39,043 --> 00:31:40,544 ♪ The motherfucking day, yeah ♪ 467 00:31:40,544 --> 00:31:42,171 ♪ America ♪ 468 00:31:42,171 --> 00:31:43,672 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 469 00:31:43,672 --> 00:31:47,426 ♪ Freedom is the only way, yeah ♪ 470 00:31:47,426 --> 00:31:50,596 ♪ It's the dream that we all share ♪ 471 00:31:50,596 --> 00:31:53,682 ♪ It's the hope for tomorrow ♪ 472 00:31:53,682 --> 00:31:56,018 - Go faster, you idiot. 473 00:32:00,272 --> 00:32:01,565 - Die, infidels! 474 00:32:10,324 --> 00:32:11,951 - They're not stopping. 475 00:32:11,951 --> 00:32:13,827 - They had their chance. 476 00:32:22,211 --> 00:32:23,754 Missed. Wide right. 477 00:32:26,131 --> 00:32:28,842 - One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something. 478 00:32:28,842 --> 00:32:31,011 - It's me, it's me! 479 00:32:31,011 --> 00:32:34,598 - Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me, kiss me. " 480 00:32:34,598 --> 00:32:35,975 - Smart ass motherfucker. 481 00:32:46,235 --> 00:32:50,280 ♪ Muhammad, Muhammad, jihad, jihad ♪ 482 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:51,824 - Gary? 483 00:32:51,824 --> 00:32:53,200 An infidel! 484 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:54,243 Kill her. 485 00:33:05,671 --> 00:33:06,922 - Gary? 486 00:33:10,509 --> 00:33:12,636 Sarah to Team America Four. 487 00:33:12,636 --> 00:33:13,679 - What you got, Sarah? 488 00:33:13,679 --> 00:33:15,597 - Gary isn't in the tavern. 489 00:33:15,597 --> 00:33:16,432 I think he may be with-- 490 00:33:17,850 --> 00:33:18,976 - Say again Sarah, you're breaking up. 491 00:33:18,976 --> 00:33:21,311 - Joe, do you copy? 492 00:33:21,311 --> 00:33:22,521 - I'll get him. 493 00:33:23,772 --> 00:33:24,565 - Lisa? 494 00:33:28,235 --> 00:33:29,069 I lost her. 495 00:33:29,069 --> 00:33:30,362 - It's all right. 496 00:33:30,362 --> 00:33:31,238 We'll kill these guys, 497 00:33:31,238 --> 00:33:32,740 then we'll find out what she wants. 498 00:33:32,740 --> 00:33:33,824 - Right. 499 00:33:41,623 --> 00:33:43,625 - Hey, guys, I think we should pull over. 500 00:33:43,625 --> 00:33:44,543 - Pull over? 501 00:33:44,543 --> 00:33:45,627 Yes, of course. 502 00:33:45,627 --> 00:33:46,837 Pull over, let them pass us, 503 00:33:46,837 --> 00:33:48,589 and when they turn around, we charge them. 504 00:33:48,589 --> 00:33:50,049 I love your balls. 505 00:33:53,844 --> 00:33:55,721 - Shit, they got by me. 506 00:33:59,641 --> 00:34:00,851 - What are we doing? 507 00:34:00,851 --> 00:34:02,853 - This jeep is filled with explosives. 508 00:34:02,853 --> 00:34:05,481 We're going to take their lives and our own. 509 00:34:05,481 --> 00:34:07,649 - W-we're gonna what? 510 00:34:07,649 --> 00:34:09,234 Hang on, Joe. 511 00:34:09,234 --> 00:34:10,527 - Die, infidels. 512 00:34:22,122 --> 00:34:23,832 - Surprise, cockfags! 513 00:34:41,391 --> 00:34:43,769 All right, we fucking did it. 514 00:34:47,189 --> 00:34:49,108 - Spottswoode, it's Lisa. 515 00:34:49,108 --> 00:34:52,611 Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down. 516 00:34:52,611 --> 00:34:53,695 - Great job, team. 517 00:34:53,695 --> 00:34:57,908 Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails. 518 00:35:00,285 --> 00:35:04,665 This is breaking news with Peter Jennings. 519 00:35:04,665 --> 00:35:08,210 - Team America has once again pissed off the entire world 520 00:35:08,210 --> 00:35:10,254 after blowing up half of Cairo. 521 00:35:10,254 --> 00:35:13,423 And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out. 522 00:35:13,423 --> 00:35:17,636 Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild. 523 00:35:17,636 --> 00:35:18,804 - The Film Actors Guild believes 524 00:35:18,804 --> 00:35:22,141 that what the world needs is compassion, not violence. 525 00:35:22,141 --> 00:35:26,228 All that Team America does is create new enemies. 526 00:35:26,228 --> 00:35:28,438 - Let me explain to you how this works. 527 00:35:28,438 --> 00:35:31,984 You see, the corporations finance Team America. 528 00:35:31,984 --> 00:35:33,652 And then Team America goes out, 529 00:35:33,652 --> 00:35:35,737 and the corporations sit there in their... 530 00:35:35,737 --> 00:35:37,406 In their corporation buildings, 531 00:35:37,406 --> 00:35:40,200 and, see, they're all corporation-y, 532 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:42,202 and they make money. 533 00:35:42,202 --> 00:35:43,036 Hm? 534 00:35:43,036 --> 00:35:44,621 - Last year I went to Iraq. 535 00:35:44,621 --> 00:35:46,123 Before Team America showed up, 536 00:35:46,123 --> 00:35:47,541 it was a happy place. 537 00:35:47,541 --> 00:35:50,085 They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies 538 00:35:50,085 --> 00:35:51,712 and rivers made of chocolate, 539 00:35:51,712 --> 00:35:53,505 where the children danced and laughed and played 540 00:35:53,505 --> 00:35:55,174 with gumdrop smiles. 541 00:35:55,174 --> 00:35:57,926 - The actors are calling for an emergency meeting. 542 00:35:57,926 --> 00:35:59,887 Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt, 543 00:35:59,887 --> 00:36:02,639 George Clooney, Liv Tyler, 544 00:36:02,639 --> 00:36:05,225 Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, 545 00:36:05,225 --> 00:36:07,644 Janeane Garofalo and Matt Damon. 546 00:36:07,644 --> 00:36:08,687 - Matt Damon. 547 00:36:10,939 --> 00:36:12,357 - In the meantime, the world wants 548 00:36:12,357 --> 00:36:16,403 to deal with dangerous individuals their own way. 549 00:36:34,046 --> 00:36:35,005 - Hans Brix? 550 00:36:35,005 --> 00:36:35,797 Oh, no. 551 00:36:38,425 --> 00:36:41,678 Oh, herro, great to see you again, Hans. 552 00:36:41,678 --> 00:36:43,639 - Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed 553 00:36:43,639 --> 00:36:45,515 to inspect your palace today, 554 00:36:45,515 --> 00:36:48,393 and your guards won't let me into certain areas. 555 00:36:48,393 --> 00:36:49,937 - Hans, Hans, Hans. 556 00:36:49,937 --> 00:36:51,688 We've been through this a dozen times. 557 00:36:51,688 --> 00:36:56,068 I don't have any weapons of mass destruction, okay, Hans? 558 00:36:56,068 --> 00:36:57,110 - Then let me look around so I can 559 00:36:57,110 --> 00:36:59,446 ease the U.N.'s collective mind. 560 00:36:59,446 --> 00:37:01,573 - Hans, you're breaking my balls here. 561 00:37:01,573 --> 00:37:03,033 Hans, you're breaking my balls. 562 00:37:03,033 --> 00:37:05,953 - I'm sorry, but the U.N. must be firm with you. 563 00:37:05,953 --> 00:37:09,581 Let me see your whole palace or else. 564 00:37:09,581 --> 00:37:10,791 - Or else what? 565 00:37:11,875 --> 00:37:16,046 - Or else we will be very, very angry with you. 566 00:37:16,046 --> 00:37:17,381 And we will write you a letter 567 00:37:17,381 --> 00:37:19,758 telling you how angry we are. 568 00:37:21,009 --> 00:37:23,136 - Okay, I'll show you, Hans. 569 00:37:23,136 --> 00:37:24,263 You ready? 570 00:37:24,263 --> 00:37:26,556 Stand a rittle to your reft. 571 00:37:28,225 --> 00:37:29,351 A rittle more. 572 00:37:30,936 --> 00:37:32,104 Good. 573 00:37:38,193 --> 00:37:39,486 There you go, Hans Brix. 574 00:37:39,486 --> 00:37:41,905 How you rike that, you fucking cocksucker? 575 00:37:44,950 --> 00:37:46,034 Do you have any idea 576 00:37:46,034 --> 00:37:48,453 how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix? 577 00:37:48,453 --> 00:37:49,621 Well, fuck you. 578 00:37:49,621 --> 00:37:50,831 You want inspection? 579 00:37:50,831 --> 00:37:55,168 Well, inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit. 580 00:37:55,168 --> 00:37:57,296 What, you think I'm just a petty arms dearer? 581 00:37:57,296 --> 00:37:59,214 I'm planning the attack. 582 00:37:59,214 --> 00:38:01,591 Congraturations, Team America, 583 00:38:01,591 --> 00:38:03,635 you have stopped nothing. 584 00:38:11,727 --> 00:38:14,896 ♪ I like to dream ♪ 585 00:38:14,896 --> 00:38:19,860 ♪ Yes, yes, right between my sound machine ♪ 586 00:38:20,027 --> 00:38:22,571 ♪ On a cloud of sound I drift in the night ♪ 587 00:38:22,571 --> 00:38:23,989 - Congratulations, Gary. 588 00:38:23,989 --> 00:38:26,116 You've done an amazing thing. 589 00:38:26,116 --> 00:38:28,160 It will be years before the terrorists 590 00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:30,871 have the resources to attack again. 591 00:38:30,871 --> 00:38:31,913 - We're gonna be unstoppable 592 00:38:31,913 --> 00:38:33,332 with you on the team, Gary. 593 00:38:33,332 --> 00:38:36,251 Terrorists, your game is through. 594 00:38:36,251 --> 00:38:38,462 - You're the best, Gary. 595 00:38:38,462 --> 00:38:39,796 ♪ You don't know what ♪ 596 00:38:39,796 --> 00:38:41,131 - So this terrorist is shooting at us 597 00:38:41,131 --> 00:38:42,966 from the back of his jeep, and he... 598 00:38:42,966 --> 00:38:44,551 - You might have all the others fooled, 599 00:38:44,551 --> 00:38:45,677 but not me. 600 00:38:45,677 --> 00:38:48,513 Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger. 601 00:38:48,513 --> 00:38:49,931 The next time you pull a stunt like that, 602 00:38:49,931 --> 00:38:51,475 I'll drill two holes through your dick 603 00:38:51,475 --> 00:38:52,851 so that when you pee, it shoots out 604 00:38:52,851 --> 00:38:53,977 in all different directions. 605 00:38:53,977 --> 00:38:54,853 You got it? 606 00:38:57,939 --> 00:38:59,900 - Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you? 607 00:38:59,900 --> 00:39:02,235 - No, of course not, Joe. 608 00:39:02,235 --> 00:39:04,488 ♪ Last night I hold Aladdin's lamp ♪ 609 00:39:04,488 --> 00:39:06,823 ♪ And so I wished that I could stay ♪ 610 00:39:06,823 --> 00:39:07,949 ♪ Before the thing could answer me ♪ 611 00:39:07,949 --> 00:39:11,203 ♪ Well, someone came and took the lamp away ♪ 612 00:39:11,203 --> 00:39:12,037 ♪ I looked around ♪ 613 00:39:12,037 --> 00:39:15,999 Joe, do you think it's okay for team members to date? 614 00:39:15,999 --> 00:39:18,043 - Sarah, really? 615 00:39:18,043 --> 00:39:20,587 - Yeah, do you think it's all right? 616 00:39:20,587 --> 00:39:22,047 - I think it's better than all right. 617 00:39:22,047 --> 00:39:23,048 It's great! 618 00:39:23,048 --> 00:39:24,091 - Oh, good. 619 00:39:24,091 --> 00:39:25,425 I'm so glad you think so. 620 00:39:25,425 --> 00:39:27,928 ♪ What we can see ♪ 621 00:39:27,928 --> 00:39:30,138 ♪ Why don't you tell your dreams to me ♪ 622 00:39:30,138 --> 00:39:32,307 ♪ Fantasy will set you free ♪ 623 00:39:39,606 --> 00:39:42,025 Gary, you okay? 624 00:39:42,859 --> 00:39:45,153 - I was just wondering if I can let go 625 00:39:45,153 --> 00:39:47,280 of an old, painful memory. 626 00:39:48,448 --> 00:39:51,660 - Is it anything that you wanna talk about? 627 00:39:51,660 --> 00:39:53,662 - When I was a kid, I always looked up 628 00:39:53,662 --> 00:39:55,872 to my older brother, Tommy. 629 00:39:55,872 --> 00:39:59,960 He was the jock, and I was the little performer. 630 00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:02,462 We were all out at the zoo one day. 631 00:40:02,462 --> 00:40:04,631 I was doing some acting, walking on the railing 632 00:40:04,631 --> 00:40:06,967 of the gorilla exhibit. 633 00:40:06,967 --> 00:40:07,759 I fell in. 634 00:40:08,885 --> 00:40:12,389 Everyone screamed, and Tommy jumped in after me, 635 00:40:12,389 --> 00:40:13,807 forgetting that he had blueberries 636 00:40:13,807 --> 00:40:15,434 in his front pocket. 637 00:40:16,810 --> 00:40:19,187 The gorillas just went wild. 638 00:40:19,187 --> 00:40:20,730 They jumped all over his body 639 00:40:20,730 --> 00:40:22,274 and threw him around like a rag doll 640 00:40:22,274 --> 00:40:24,568 to get to those blueberries. 641 00:40:24,568 --> 00:40:27,070 One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla, 642 00:40:27,070 --> 00:40:29,197 who tossed him to another. 643 00:40:31,283 --> 00:40:32,784 Everyone panicked and cried out 644 00:40:32,784 --> 00:40:35,996 for somebody to help, but it was too late. 645 00:40:35,996 --> 00:40:38,248 The gorillas beat him to death before 646 00:40:38,248 --> 00:40:41,042 the zookeepers could gas them all. 647 00:40:44,379 --> 00:40:46,965 My acting got my brother killed. 648 00:40:48,049 --> 00:40:51,678 I've had to live with that every single day. 649 00:40:52,596 --> 00:40:57,017 - Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did. 650 00:40:57,017 --> 00:40:59,728 - I think I can finally let it go. 651 00:40:59,728 --> 00:41:03,356 Because my acting saved the entire world. 652 00:41:03,356 --> 00:41:05,233 And something even better happened. 653 00:41:05,233 --> 00:41:06,026 - What? 654 00:41:06,943 --> 00:41:11,156 - I met somebody who took my breath away. 655 00:41:16,328 --> 00:41:17,204 - Gary, no. 656 00:41:19,122 --> 00:41:20,373 - I'm sorry. 657 00:41:20,373 --> 00:41:21,208 - It's just... 658 00:41:21,208 --> 00:41:24,461 Things are really complicated, Gary. 659 00:41:24,461 --> 00:41:26,588 - I know about Carson. 660 00:41:26,588 --> 00:41:28,215 I know how it feels. 661 00:41:29,216 --> 00:41:31,384 - God, I'm so confused. 662 00:41:31,384 --> 00:41:35,263 It's too soon to be having feelings for you. 663 00:41:35,263 --> 00:41:37,474 - Maybe feelings are feelings 664 00:41:37,474 --> 00:41:40,393 because we can't control them. 665 00:41:40,393 --> 00:41:42,145 - But I have to control them 666 00:41:42,145 --> 00:41:43,939 because I can't go through losing somebody again. 667 00:41:43,939 --> 00:41:45,190 It's too painful. 668 00:41:45,190 --> 00:41:47,901 - So, so, what, you're just gonna shut down? 669 00:41:47,901 --> 00:41:49,819 I really like you. 670 00:41:49,819 --> 00:41:53,281 There's no chance we can ever be together? 671 00:41:54,407 --> 00:41:58,328 - Only if you could promise me you'll never die. 672 00:41:58,328 --> 00:42:00,580 - You know I can't promise that. 673 00:42:00,580 --> 00:42:05,502 - If you did that, I would make love to you right now. 674 00:42:08,421 --> 00:42:10,799 - I promise I will never die. 675 00:42:31,069 --> 00:42:33,530 ♪ I need this, I need love ♪ 676 00:42:33,530 --> 00:42:37,284 ♪ I need you ♪ 677 00:42:37,284 --> 00:42:39,953 ♪ I don't need one heartbeat ♪ 678 00:42:39,953 --> 00:42:44,082 ♪ I need two ♪ 679 00:42:44,082 --> 00:42:47,377 ♪ There's an emptiness I need to fill ♪ 680 00:42:47,377 --> 00:42:51,923 ♪ And only one emptiness will do ♪ 681 00:42:51,923 --> 00:42:54,593 ♪ Only a woman ♪ 682 00:42:54,593 --> 00:42:58,722 ♪ Can brighten up my day ♪ 683 00:42:58,722 --> 00:43:01,224 ♪ Only a woman ♪ 684 00:43:01,224 --> 00:43:05,604 ♪ Can touch me the right way, yeah ♪ 685 00:43:05,604 --> 00:43:07,981 ♪ Only a woman ♪ 686 00:43:07,981 --> 00:43:12,444 ♪ Is allowed to touch me there ♪ 687 00:43:12,444 --> 00:43:13,987 ♪ All I ask ♪ 688 00:43:13,987 --> 00:43:16,990 ♪ Is that you're a woman ♪ 689 00:43:16,990 --> 00:43:18,825 Lisa, you're the most amazing person 690 00:43:18,825 --> 00:43:20,410 I've ever met. 691 00:43:20,410 --> 00:43:21,828 It's only been a short time, 692 00:43:21,828 --> 00:43:22,912 but I think that I'm completely in love-- 693 00:43:22,912 --> 00:43:24,706 - Shh, let's not talk. 694 00:43:27,542 --> 00:43:28,376 - I can't help it. 695 00:43:28,376 --> 00:43:29,586 This just feels so right, 696 00:43:29,586 --> 00:43:31,671 and I don't want anything to mess it up. 697 00:43:31,671 --> 00:43:32,464 - Shh. 698 00:43:35,008 --> 00:43:39,554 There's not a thing in the world that can mess this up. 699 00:44:48,498 --> 00:44:50,291 - No, no, no me gusta! 700 00:45:27,620 --> 00:45:30,749 - Team, I'm afraid I have bad news. 701 00:45:30,749 --> 00:45:32,751 At 7:15 this morning, 702 00:45:32,751 --> 00:45:35,670 the terrorists carried out their attack. 703 00:45:35,670 --> 00:45:37,130 - What? 704 00:45:37,130 --> 00:45:39,132 - But how can that be? 705 00:45:39,132 --> 00:45:41,342 Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo. 706 00:45:41,342 --> 00:45:42,177 - It appears now that 707 00:45:42,177 --> 00:45:43,595 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnyans 708 00:45:43,595 --> 00:45:44,888 being in charge. 709 00:45:46,014 --> 00:45:48,057 That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 710 00:45:48,057 --> 00:45:49,893 Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 711 00:45:49,893 --> 00:45:50,852 - I'm sorry. 712 00:45:51,895 --> 00:45:56,524 - We have to find out who did this and take them down, fast. 713 00:45:56,524 --> 00:45:58,610 - Sir, I am intercepting communications 714 00:45:58,610 --> 00:46:00,528 about the terrorists' identities. 715 00:46:00,528 --> 00:46:02,280 - On screen. 716 00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:04,908 This is breaking news with Peter Jennings. 717 00:46:06,409 --> 00:46:09,454 An attack in Panama today has left thousands dead. 718 00:46:09,454 --> 00:46:13,541 Taking credit were terrorists from Derka Derkastan. 719 00:46:13,541 --> 00:46:16,127 - Of course, Derka Derkastan. 720 00:46:16,127 --> 00:46:18,505 - The terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation 721 00:46:18,505 --> 00:46:21,090 for Team America's actions in Cairo. 722 00:46:21,090 --> 00:46:23,218 Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members 723 00:46:23,218 --> 00:46:25,053 of the Film Actors Guild. 724 00:46:25,053 --> 00:46:26,679 - Alec Baldwin? 725 00:46:26,679 --> 00:46:27,555 - Gary? 726 00:46:27,555 --> 00:46:29,432 - He's, he's my hero. 727 00:46:29,432 --> 00:46:31,976 The single greatest actor of all time. 728 00:46:31,976 --> 00:46:35,396 - Who is to blame for these attacks in Panama? 729 00:46:35,396 --> 00:46:37,023 The terrorists? 730 00:46:37,023 --> 00:46:39,609 The person who supplied them with WMDs? 731 00:46:39,609 --> 00:46:40,902 No. 732 00:46:40,902 --> 00:46:42,445 Blame Team America. 733 00:46:44,405 --> 00:46:46,407 Their reckless disregard in Cairo 734 00:46:46,407 --> 00:46:48,743 brought on this violence today. 735 00:46:48,743 --> 00:46:52,038 Team America, the blood of the victims of Panama 736 00:46:52,038 --> 00:46:53,414 is on your hands. 737 00:46:56,709 --> 00:46:58,837 - Moved by Baldwin's impassioned speech, 738 00:46:58,837 --> 00:47:00,213 hundreds of people turned out 739 00:47:00,213 --> 00:47:01,130 at Mount Rushmore today to protest. 740 00:47:06,302 --> 00:47:07,846 - Hey, that's here. 741 00:47:08,763 --> 00:47:10,765 - Tom, it looks like filmmaker Michael Moore 742 00:47:10,765 --> 00:47:15,728 is also jumping on the "Fuck Team America"” bandwagon. 743 00:47:16,020 --> 00:47:17,689 - Protesting is not enough. 744 00:47:17,689 --> 00:47:19,315 We must take radical action against 745 00:47:19,315 --> 00:47:21,985 the fascists in our own country. 746 00:47:21,985 --> 00:47:23,069 Bring it down! 747 00:47:23,069 --> 00:47:24,279 Bring it all down! 748 00:47:31,202 --> 00:47:32,537 - Team, if the Derka Derkastanis 749 00:47:32,537 --> 00:47:34,205 have weapons of mass destruction, 750 00:47:34,205 --> 00:47:38,001 I'm afraid it could be 9/11 times 1000. 751 00:47:38,001 --> 00:47:39,377 - Jesus, you mean...? 752 00:47:39,377 --> 00:47:40,420 - Yes. 753 00:47:40,420 --> 00:47:41,212 911,000. 754 00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:45,008 - Then forget all these assholes. 755 00:47:45,008 --> 00:47:46,551 We got work to do. 756 00:47:46,551 --> 00:47:48,303 - Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized 757 00:47:48,303 --> 00:47:49,429 so he can use his acting. 758 00:47:49,429 --> 00:47:51,014 - My acting? 759 00:47:51,014 --> 00:47:52,390 My acting? 760 00:47:52,390 --> 00:47:55,143 My acting just got a thousand people killed. 761 00:47:55,143 --> 00:47:56,936 Jesus, I've done it again. 762 00:47:56,936 --> 00:47:58,521 - Pull yourself together, Gary. 763 00:47:58,521 --> 00:47:59,981 We need you now more than ever. 764 00:47:59,981 --> 00:48:01,566 - I'm through with this. 765 00:48:01,566 --> 00:48:02,650 - Gary, you can't go. 766 00:48:02,650 --> 00:48:04,235 Without you, the team is doomed. 767 00:48:04,235 --> 00:48:07,989 Remember, there is no "I" in Team America. 768 00:48:07,989 --> 00:48:08,823 - Yes, there is. 769 00:48:12,785 --> 00:48:14,412 - I know it's hard, Gary. 770 00:48:14,412 --> 00:48:15,413 But you're still the only hope 771 00:48:15,413 --> 00:48:17,540 to stop these newer terrorists. 772 00:48:17,540 --> 00:48:18,708 - Why me? 773 00:48:18,708 --> 00:48:20,460 Why am I the only one? 774 00:48:20,460 --> 00:48:22,211 - Because you're the one with the power to-- 775 00:48:22,211 --> 00:48:25,423 - Well, I don't want the fucking power! 776 00:48:27,091 --> 00:48:28,968 I don't want the guilt, I don't want the shame 777 00:48:28,968 --> 00:48:31,721 and I don't want the responsibility. 778 00:48:31,721 --> 00:48:34,599 - Then what about all the things you promised last night? 779 00:48:34,599 --> 00:48:37,226 You said you'd never leave. 780 00:48:37,226 --> 00:48:38,937 - I said I'd never die. 781 00:48:38,937 --> 00:48:40,897 But now I'm dead inside. 782 00:48:43,107 --> 00:48:45,568 You slept with Gary? 783 00:48:46,778 --> 00:48:48,321 - Sarah. 784 00:48:48,321 --> 00:48:50,323 - But you knew I liked Gary. 785 00:48:50,323 --> 00:48:51,199 I told you. 786 00:48:52,450 --> 00:48:53,743 - You like Gary? 787 00:48:55,745 --> 00:48:56,537 Oh, I see. 788 00:48:57,538 --> 00:48:59,457 - I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah. 789 00:48:59,457 --> 00:49:00,750 - Save it, Lisa. 790 00:49:02,377 --> 00:49:03,836 - You see? 791 00:49:03,836 --> 00:49:06,464 All I do is hurt people. 792 00:49:06,464 --> 00:49:08,049 - Gary, you didn't kill your brother. 793 00:49:08,049 --> 00:49:09,592 Those gorillas did. 794 00:49:14,138 --> 00:49:17,058 - I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am. 795 00:49:17,058 --> 00:49:18,518 I'm just bad news. 796 00:49:19,978 --> 00:49:21,688 I'll never act again. 797 00:49:30,113 --> 00:49:31,072 - Fuck him. 798 00:49:31,072 --> 00:49:32,240 We don't need an actor. 799 00:49:32,240 --> 00:49:33,491 We can take out the Derka Derkastanis 800 00:49:33,491 --> 00:49:35,118 the old-fashioned way. 801 00:49:35,118 --> 00:49:37,954 - No, it would be a suicide mission. 802 00:49:37,954 --> 00:49:39,414 - That's all right. 803 00:49:39,414 --> 00:49:41,958 I feel a little bit like dying. 804 00:49:44,627 --> 00:49:46,170 - Goddamn it, Gary. 805 00:49:52,760 --> 00:49:55,638 ♪ America ♪ 806 00:49:55,638 --> 00:49:58,516 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 807 00:49:58,516 --> 00:50:00,560 ♪ Coming again to save ♪ 808 00:50:00,560 --> 00:50:04,022 ♪ The motherfucking day, yeah ♪ 809 00:50:04,022 --> 00:50:06,858 ♪ America ♪ 810 00:50:06,858 --> 00:50:09,777 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 811 00:50:09,777 --> 00:50:14,365 ♪ Freedom is the only way ♪ 812 00:50:14,365 --> 00:50:15,825 ♪ Yeah ♪ 813 00:50:15,825 --> 00:50:20,621 ♪ Terrorists, your game is through ♪ 814 00:50:20,621 --> 00:50:25,585 ♪ 'Cause now you have to answer to ♪ 815 00:50:27,211 --> 00:50:30,089 ♪ America ♪ 816 00:50:30,089 --> 00:50:32,842 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 817 00:50:32,842 --> 00:50:36,012 ♪ America ♪ 818 00:50:36,012 --> 00:50:37,305 ♪ Fuck ♪ 819 00:50:37,305 --> 00:50:38,139 Gary, help me! 820 00:50:38,973 --> 00:50:39,932 Get this thing off of me, Gary! 821 00:50:44,395 --> 00:50:46,022 - All right, team. 822 00:50:46,022 --> 00:50:48,649 We're nearing Derka Derkastan. 823 00:50:48,649 --> 00:50:49,567 Let's get ready. 824 00:50:51,194 --> 00:50:54,697 Look out, we've got terrorist aircraft. 825 00:50:54,697 --> 00:50:56,365 - Ai, derka derka! 826 00:50:56,365 --> 00:50:58,326 - Muhammad Ali. 827 00:50:59,243 --> 00:51:00,453 - There's only five of them, team. 828 00:51:00,453 --> 00:51:01,412 This should be easy. 829 00:51:01,412 --> 00:51:02,955 I've got Korean aircraft at 1:00. 830 00:51:05,291 --> 00:51:07,502 - What are they doing here? 831 00:51:09,670 --> 00:51:11,589 - Tang ping pong. 832 00:51:11,589 --> 00:51:14,258 - Shoot them down, like dogs. 833 00:51:14,258 --> 00:51:15,093 - Kim Jong Il? 834 00:51:15,093 --> 00:51:17,053 Why is he helping terrorists? 835 00:51:25,103 --> 00:51:27,438 - I've got one on my tail! 836 00:51:28,481 --> 00:51:29,649 - I got you, Sarah. 837 00:51:34,529 --> 00:51:36,364 - Bring in the submarines. 838 00:51:39,325 --> 00:51:40,910 - What the hell? 839 00:51:41,744 --> 00:51:43,037 Something's shooting at us from the water. 840 00:51:43,037 --> 00:51:44,622 - It must be a Korean sub. 841 00:51:44,622 --> 00:51:46,290 - Chris, you've gotta take them out. 842 00:51:46,290 --> 00:51:47,917 - I'm already on it. 843 00:51:54,757 --> 00:51:56,592 - These guys really snuck up on us. 844 00:51:56,592 --> 00:51:59,345 - Yeah, there's a lot of that going around lately. 845 00:51:59,345 --> 00:52:01,639 - Sarah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you. 846 00:52:01,639 --> 00:52:04,142 - No, you just didn't care if you did. 847 00:52:05,643 --> 00:52:07,436 - Now, come on, Sarah, that isn't fair. 848 00:52:07,436 --> 00:52:10,273 Lisa can't help it if Gary has feelings for her. 849 00:52:10,273 --> 00:52:12,441 Just like nobody can help it 850 00:52:12,441 --> 00:52:14,485 if you have feelings for Gary. 851 00:52:18,364 --> 00:52:20,158 - What is that supposed to mean? 852 00:52:20,158 --> 00:52:21,200 - Oh, come on, Sarah. 853 00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:23,327 You mean you never realized Joe has feelings for you? 854 00:52:27,248 --> 00:52:28,291 - Joe? 855 00:52:28,291 --> 00:52:30,626 But you're like a brother to me. 856 00:52:31,544 --> 00:52:33,796 - That's all I ever am, like a brother. 857 00:52:33,796 --> 00:52:34,630 It isn't fair. 858 00:52:40,970 --> 00:52:41,804 - Hang on, team. 859 00:52:41,804 --> 00:52:43,806 Someone has broken into the hangar. 860 00:52:43,806 --> 00:52:44,682 Baxter? 861 00:52:44,682 --> 00:52:46,726 - Hey, Team America. 862 00:52:46,726 --> 00:52:49,228 I got something for you. 863 00:52:49,228 --> 00:52:50,521 - What the hell? 864 00:52:50,521 --> 00:52:52,732 - Prepare to die. 865 00:52:55,401 --> 00:52:57,361 - Jesus titty-fucking... 866 00:53:01,407 --> 00:53:02,200 ...Christ! 867 00:53:03,409 --> 00:53:04,243 - Spottswoode! 868 00:53:06,954 --> 00:53:07,997 - Oh, my God! 869 00:53:09,957 --> 00:53:12,210 - No, he can't be dead. 870 00:53:14,045 --> 00:53:15,463 We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 871 00:53:15,463 --> 00:53:18,424 I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 872 00:53:18,424 --> 00:53:19,717 - Their computers are down. 873 00:53:19,717 --> 00:53:21,260 Attack! 874 00:53:25,181 --> 00:53:26,307 - Sarah! 875 00:53:26,307 --> 00:53:28,351 - I sense I'm going down. 876 00:53:30,645 --> 00:53:31,479 - Sarah! 877 00:53:31,479 --> 00:53:32,605 God, Chris, you gotta help her. 878 00:53:32,605 --> 00:53:33,773 - I'm on it. 879 00:53:33,773 --> 00:53:35,399 Just hang on, Sarah. 880 00:53:37,276 --> 00:53:40,446 Oh, fuck, I've been hit. 881 00:53:40,446 --> 00:53:42,657 - Chris, come in. 882 00:53:42,657 --> 00:53:44,158 Oh, Jesus, I'm hit! 883 00:53:44,158 --> 00:53:45,034 - Lisa! 884 00:53:45,034 --> 00:53:45,868 - Going down. 885 00:53:45,868 --> 00:53:49,080 - Goddamn it, I'm gonna have to breach. 886 00:53:51,332 --> 00:53:53,876 - I'm gonna hit the water. 887 00:53:54,710 --> 00:53:56,504 - Missile lock, I've got missile lock. 888 00:53:56,504 --> 00:53:58,297 I've gotta bail out! 889 00:54:15,106 --> 00:54:16,524 - Salvage their ships. 890 00:54:16,524 --> 00:54:19,568 If you find anyone arive, you know what to do with them. 891 00:54:19,568 --> 00:54:20,528 Yeh. 892 00:54:22,822 --> 00:54:24,699 - Terrorists on screen. 893 00:54:25,866 --> 00:54:28,411 Okay, who brew up Panama Canal? 894 00:54:29,787 --> 00:54:32,081 - We were angry about Cairo. 895 00:54:32,081 --> 00:54:34,250 - Goddamn it, how many times do I have to tell you? 896 00:54:34,250 --> 00:54:37,295 You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal. 897 00:54:37,295 --> 00:54:39,297 I have worked 10 years on this pran. 898 00:54:39,297 --> 00:54:42,300 It is a very precise and a compricated pran. 899 00:54:42,300 --> 00:54:44,510 I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up. 900 00:54:44,510 --> 00:54:46,262 Now, take the weapons where I told you 901 00:54:46,262 --> 00:54:48,764 and wait for the goddamn signal this time. 902 00:54:48,764 --> 00:54:49,557 Goodbye. 903 00:54:51,851 --> 00:54:54,645 Why is everyone so fucking stupid? 904 00:54:55,855 --> 00:54:59,483 Why aren't more people interrigent, rike me? 905 00:55:01,777 --> 00:55:05,740 ♪ I'm so ronery ♪ 906 00:55:05,740 --> 00:55:07,783 ♪ So ronery ♪ 907 00:55:07,783 --> 00:55:12,204 ♪ So ronery and sadry arone ♪ 908 00:55:12,204 --> 00:55:13,831 ♪ There's no one ♪ 909 00:55:13,831 --> 00:55:16,417 ♪ Just me onry ♪ 910 00:55:16,417 --> 00:55:20,504 ♪ Sitting on my rittle throne ♪ 911 00:55:20,504 --> 00:55:22,757 ♪ I work rearry hard ♪ 912 00:55:22,757 --> 00:55:24,717 ♪ And make up great prans ♪ 913 00:55:24,717 --> 00:55:26,761 ♪ But nobody ristens ♪ 914 00:55:26,761 --> 00:55:28,929 ♪ No one understands ♪ 915 00:55:28,929 --> 00:55:30,681 ♪ Seems rike no one ♪ 916 00:55:30,681 --> 00:55:35,603 ♪ Takes me seriousry ♪ 917 00:55:35,853 --> 00:55:40,733 ♪ And so I'm ronery ♪ 918 00:55:40,733 --> 00:55:43,736 ♪ A rittle ronery ♪ 919 00:55:43,736 --> 00:55:46,739 ♪ Poor rittle me ♪ 920 00:55:53,204 --> 00:55:58,167 ♪ There's nobody I can rerate to ♪ 921 00:55:58,167 --> 00:56:02,004 ♪ I Feel rike a bird in a cage ♪ 922 00:56:02,004 --> 00:56:04,256 ♪ It's kind of sirry ♪ 923 00:56:04,256 --> 00:56:06,050 ♪ But not rearry ♪ 924 00:56:06,050 --> 00:56:10,346 ♪ Because it's firring my body with rage ♪ 925 00:56:10,346 --> 00:56:12,348 ♪ I'm the smartest, most crever ♪ 926 00:56:12,348 --> 00:56:14,558 ♪ Most physicarry fit ♪ 927 00:56:14,558 --> 00:56:18,854 ♪ But nobody else seems to rearize it ♪ 928 00:56:18,854 --> 00:56:20,815 ♪ When I change the world ♪ 929 00:56:20,815 --> 00:56:25,778 ♪ Maybe they'll notice me ♪ 930 00:56:25,778 --> 00:56:27,196 ♪ And until then ♪ 931 00:56:27,196 --> 00:56:30,866 ♪ I'll just be ronery ♪ 932 00:56:30,866 --> 00:56:33,869 ♪ Yeah, a rittle ronery ♪ 933 00:56:33,869 --> 00:56:38,833 ♪ Poor rittle me ♪ 934 00:56:43,087 --> 00:56:45,714 ♪ I'm so ronery ♪ 935 00:57:05,401 --> 00:57:08,195 ♪ What would you do ♪ 936 00:57:08,195 --> 00:57:13,159 ♪ If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom ♪ 937 00:57:13,159 --> 00:57:15,536 ♪ What would you do if asked ♪ 938 00:57:15,536 --> 00:57:17,121 ♪ To make the ultimate sacrifice? ♪ 939 00:57:17,121 --> 00:57:19,415 - Hey, weren't you the actor in that Broadway show? 940 00:57:19,415 --> 00:57:21,625 Hey, yeah, it is you. 941 00:57:21,625 --> 00:57:24,462 Do that scene where everyone gets AIDS. 942 00:57:24,462 --> 00:57:26,547 - I don't act anymore. 943 00:57:26,547 --> 00:57:28,340 I gave that up. 944 00:57:28,340 --> 00:57:29,592 - Oh, come on, man, just a scene. 945 00:57:29,592 --> 00:57:32,052 - I said, get away from me! 946 00:57:32,052 --> 00:57:33,929 I'm completely lost. 947 00:57:33,929 --> 00:57:35,890 I've hit rock bottom. 948 00:57:35,890 --> 00:57:36,724 - Easy, easy. 949 00:57:36,724 --> 00:57:38,893 Whoa, you gotta calm down there, Chuck. 950 00:57:38,893 --> 00:57:40,352 - I hurt people. 951 00:57:40,352 --> 00:57:41,228 I'm a dick. 952 00:57:42,104 --> 00:57:44,773 - Well, being a dick ain't so bad. 953 00:57:44,773 --> 00:57:46,650 See, there are three kinds of people: 954 00:57:46,650 --> 00:57:49,403 Dicks, pussies and assholes. 955 00:57:49,403 --> 00:57:51,280 Pussies think everyone can get along 956 00:57:51,280 --> 00:57:53,157 and dicks just wanna fuck all the time 957 00:57:53,157 --> 00:57:54,867 without thinking it through. 958 00:57:54,867 --> 00:57:57,286 But then you got your assholes, Chuck. 959 00:57:57,286 --> 00:57:58,537 And all the assholes want 960 00:57:58,537 --> 00:58:01,248 is to shit all over everything. 961 00:58:01,248 --> 00:58:03,959 So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while 962 00:58:03,959 --> 00:58:06,921 because pussies get fucked by dicks. 963 00:58:06,921 --> 00:58:10,549 But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. 964 00:58:10,549 --> 00:58:12,009 And if they didn't fuck the assholes, 965 00:58:12,009 --> 00:58:13,385 you know what you'd get? 966 00:58:13,385 --> 00:58:15,304 You'd get your dick and your pussy 967 00:58:15,304 --> 00:58:17,223 all covered in shit. 968 00:58:18,057 --> 00:58:19,517 - All right, that does it. 969 00:58:19,517 --> 00:58:21,435 Get out of here, you drunk lowlife. 970 00:58:28,692 --> 00:58:31,153 Get out of here, I said. 971 00:58:39,161 --> 00:58:39,954 - Lisa! 972 00:58:41,705 --> 00:58:43,707 Lisa, Lisa, are you here? 973 00:58:47,294 --> 00:58:50,673 - Get out of the street, you fucking bum! 974 00:58:55,135 --> 00:58:57,721 You gave up on life, didn't you? 975 01:00:21,305 --> 01:00:24,975 - My fellow actors, we live in a dark time. 976 01:00:24,975 --> 01:00:27,394 The world is becoming more and more violent 977 01:00:27,394 --> 01:00:29,855 and the idiots in charge are making it worse. 978 01:00:29,855 --> 01:00:33,692 What the world needs is an international advisory committee 979 01:00:33,692 --> 01:00:36,737 who truly understands global politics. 980 01:00:36,737 --> 01:00:37,613 Namely, us. 981 01:00:41,325 --> 01:00:43,952 - The time has come for us to start using our acting talents 982 01:00:43,952 --> 01:00:45,954 in a different way. 983 01:00:45,954 --> 01:00:49,333 - Yes, we can use our powers to change the world. 984 01:00:52,378 --> 01:00:53,295 - We will persuade everyone 985 01:00:53,295 --> 01:00:56,131 to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking. 986 01:00:56,131 --> 01:00:58,801 - If we focus our acting on global politics, 987 01:00:58,801 --> 01:01:00,678 we can change everything and stuff. 988 01:01:04,390 --> 01:01:06,642 - As actors, it is our responsibility 989 01:01:06,642 --> 01:01:08,310 to read the newspapers 990 01:01:08,310 --> 01:01:09,645 and then say what we read 991 01:01:09,645 --> 01:01:13,065 on television like it's our own opinion. 992 01:01:13,065 --> 01:01:14,900 - Matt Damon. 993 01:01:14,900 --> 01:01:16,694 - We've all done action films. 994 01:01:16,694 --> 01:01:18,278 If anyone tries to get in our way, 995 01:01:18,278 --> 01:01:20,698 we'll show them just how tough us actors really are. 996 01:01:25,577 --> 01:01:27,663 - I'm glad you all agree. 997 01:01:27,663 --> 01:01:29,206 Because I've just been contacted 998 01:01:29,206 --> 01:01:32,084 by a very important political leader 999 01:01:32,084 --> 01:01:34,420 who is bringing all the world leaders together 1000 01:01:34,420 --> 01:01:37,423 for a massive international peace conference. 1001 01:01:37,423 --> 01:01:41,510 And he wants us to be the keynote speakers. 1002 01:01:44,138 --> 01:01:45,180 - Matt Damon! 1003 01:01:48,100 --> 01:01:50,185 - Say hello to our new partner. 1004 01:01:51,019 --> 01:01:51,812 - Herro. 1005 01:02:01,697 --> 01:02:04,825 - Stop it, stop it, you're killing him! 1006 01:02:06,368 --> 01:02:08,662 - I'm gonna fucking kill you! 1007 01:02:08,662 --> 01:02:11,123 - You're not in a position to kill anyone, 1008 01:02:11,123 --> 01:02:13,584 my red, white and brue friend. 1009 01:02:14,501 --> 01:02:18,547 - So you're the bastard planning 9/11 times 1,000. 1010 01:02:18,547 --> 01:02:21,258 - No, you think so small. 1011 01:02:21,258 --> 01:02:23,218 You see, I'm about to have 1012 01:02:23,218 --> 01:02:25,471 an eraborate peace ceremony. 1013 01:02:25,471 --> 01:02:27,973 And while all the world's most important people 1014 01:02:27,973 --> 01:02:32,186 are distracted here, I will detonate the WMDs 1015 01:02:32,186 --> 01:02:35,522 which I have given to terrorists all around the grobe. 1016 01:02:37,483 --> 01:02:40,694 It will be 9/11 times 2,356. 1017 01:02:43,822 --> 01:02:46,158 - My God, that's... 1018 01:02:46,158 --> 01:02:48,577 I don't even know what that is. 1019 01:02:48,577 --> 01:02:49,703 - Nobody does. 1020 01:02:50,579 --> 01:02:51,914 - You heartless bastard. 1021 01:02:51,914 --> 01:02:53,540 Why would you do such a thing? 1022 01:02:53,540 --> 01:02:55,793 - Because then there will be barance. 1023 01:02:55,793 --> 01:02:58,545 Every country will be a Third World country. 1024 01:02:58,545 --> 01:02:59,838 Just imagine it. 1025 01:03:00,714 --> 01:03:04,384 All around the world, there will be massive exprosions. 1026 01:03:04,384 --> 01:03:05,677 With nobody to guide them, 1027 01:03:05,677 --> 01:03:07,513 the people will break out into panic 1028 01:03:07,513 --> 01:03:10,057 and rioting all over the earth. 1029 01:03:10,057 --> 01:03:13,602 The true nature of humanity is unreashed. 1030 01:03:13,602 --> 01:03:16,146 Dog eats dog, as everyone attacks everyone 1031 01:03:16,146 --> 01:03:18,816 and fends only for themselves. 1032 01:03:18,816 --> 01:03:21,360 Grobal stabirity unravels. 1033 01:03:21,360 --> 01:03:23,529 By the time my show is over, 1034 01:03:23,529 --> 01:03:25,489 it will be far too rate. 1035 01:03:32,996 --> 01:03:34,498 - Your plan will fail. 1036 01:03:34,498 --> 01:03:35,624 You'll never keep the world leaders 1037 01:03:35,624 --> 01:03:37,918 distracted here for nine hours. 1038 01:03:37,918 --> 01:03:39,378 - Oh, no? 1039 01:03:39,378 --> 01:03:41,171 I've got Arec Barrwin. 1040 01:03:43,257 --> 01:03:44,883 - Dear God. 1041 01:03:44,883 --> 01:03:48,095 - You are the rast of a dying breed, 1042 01:03:48,095 --> 01:03:50,931 the frag-waving American. 1043 01:03:50,931 --> 01:03:55,185 Well, your rittle dream will soon be over. 1044 01:03:55,185 --> 01:03:58,146 I must get back to pranning the ceremony now. 1045 01:03:58,146 --> 01:04:00,607 The film actors are on their way. 1046 01:04:00,607 --> 01:04:03,735 Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro. 1047 01:04:05,195 --> 01:04:07,364 - Having so little faith in humanity 1048 01:04:07,364 --> 01:04:09,908 must make you a very lonely man. 1049 01:04:17,833 --> 01:04:20,961 - You shall have a front-row seat. 1050 01:04:20,961 --> 01:04:23,046 Bring her upstairs. 1051 01:04:23,046 --> 01:04:25,507 - Leave her alone, you son of a bitch! 1052 01:04:25,507 --> 01:04:28,218 Lisa, I treasure your friendship! 1053 01:04:29,845 --> 01:04:32,139 - Somebody has to stop this! 1054 01:04:40,063 --> 01:04:42,649 ♪ I miss you more than Michael Bay ♪ 1055 01:04:42,649 --> 01:04:45,068 ♪ Missed the mark ♪ 1056 01:04:45,068 --> 01:04:47,905 ♪ When he made Pearl Harbor ♪ 1057 01:04:47,905 --> 01:04:50,490 ♪ I miss you more than that movie ♪ 1058 01:04:50,490 --> 01:04:53,118 ♪ Missed the point ♪ 1059 01:04:53,118 --> 01:04:55,662 ♪ And that's an awful lot, girl ♪ 1060 01:04:55,662 --> 01:04:57,289 ♪ And now ♪ 1061 01:04:57,289 --> 01:05:00,626 ♪ Now you've gone away ♪ 1062 01:05:00,626 --> 01:05:03,837 ♪ And all I'm trying to say ♪ 1063 01:05:03,837 --> 01:05:06,840 ♪ Is Pearl Harbor sucked ♪ 1064 01:05:06,840 --> 01:05:11,762 ♪ And I miss you ♪ 1065 01:05:12,971 --> 01:05:15,057 ♪ I need you like Ben Affleck ♪ 1066 01:05:15,057 --> 01:05:17,684 ♪ Needs acting school ♪ 1067 01:05:17,684 --> 01:05:20,771 ♪ He was terrible in that film ♪ 1068 01:05:20,771 --> 01:05:23,106 ♪ I need you like Cuba Gooding ♪ 1069 01:05:23,106 --> 01:05:25,859 ♪ Needed a bigger part ♪ 1070 01:05:25,859 --> 01:05:28,612 ♪ He's way better than Ben Affleck ♪ 1071 01:05:28,612 --> 01:05:33,617 ♪ And now all I can think about is your smile ♪ 1072 01:05:33,617 --> 01:05:36,703 ♪ And that shitty movie too. ♪ 1073 01:05:36,703 --> 01:05:39,456 ♪ Pearl Harbor sucked ♪ 1074 01:05:39,456 --> 01:05:44,419 ♪ And I miss you ♪ 1075 01:05:45,295 --> 01:05:50,258 ♪ Pearl Harbor sucked ♪ 1076 01:05:50,258 --> 01:05:54,972 ♪ Just a little bit more than I miss you ♪ 1077 01:05:56,223 --> 01:05:57,933 - Oh, my God. 1078 01:05:57,933 --> 01:05:59,810 What the hell happened? 1079 01:06:18,954 --> 01:06:20,163 Hello, anybody? 1080 01:06:24,209 --> 01:06:27,087 - Greetings, Mr. Johnston. 1081 01:06:27,087 --> 01:06:29,172 - I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened? 1082 01:06:29,172 --> 01:06:33,719 - Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel. 1083 01:06:33,719 --> 01:06:35,554 - But where's the team? 1084 01:06:35,554 --> 01:06:37,097 - They have been taken prisoner 1085 01:06:37,097 --> 01:06:39,850 by Kim Jong Il in North Korea. 1086 01:06:39,850 --> 01:06:41,476 I have intercepted communications 1087 01:06:41,476 --> 01:06:43,645 that he is planning the massive attack 1088 01:06:43,645 --> 01:06:46,231 during a peace ceremony. 1089 01:06:46,231 --> 01:06:47,190 - Don't move, protester, 1090 01:06:47,190 --> 01:06:49,443 or I'll blow your commie brains out. 1091 01:06:49,443 --> 01:06:51,069 - Spottswoode. 1092 01:06:51,069 --> 01:06:51,945 - Johnston? 1093 01:06:52,863 --> 01:06:54,489 What the hell are you doing here? 1094 01:06:54,489 --> 01:06:55,532 Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 1095 01:06:55,532 --> 01:06:57,534 I'm using it to blow up North Korea. 1096 01:06:57,534 --> 01:06:59,619 - No, the team is in North Korea. 1097 01:06:59,619 --> 01:07:01,621 - I know, and so are the triggers 1098 01:07:01,621 --> 01:07:04,541 to WMDs poised all around the globe. 1099 01:07:04,541 --> 01:07:07,252 My only option now is to blow up Kim Jong Il 1100 01:07:07,252 --> 01:07:10,172 and everything around him before he can set them off. 1101 01:07:10,172 --> 01:07:11,798 IL.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate detonation sequence 1102 01:07:11,798 --> 01:07:12,758 on the ships. 1103 01:07:12,758 --> 01:07:14,760 - You'll kill them all. 1104 01:07:14,760 --> 01:07:16,762 - It's what they would want me to do, Gary. 1105 01:07:16,762 --> 01:07:18,263 They would happily give their lives 1106 01:07:18,263 --> 01:07:20,807 for the good of the world, something you don't understand! 1107 01:07:20,807 --> 01:07:22,601 - There has to be another way. 1108 01:07:22,601 --> 01:07:26,021 - There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong Il. 1109 01:07:26,021 --> 01:07:26,980 - Let me go. 1110 01:07:28,815 --> 01:07:29,983 - You? 1111 01:07:29,983 --> 01:07:31,985 You're a buttfucking quitter. 1112 01:07:31,985 --> 01:07:33,570 You walked out, Gary. 1113 01:07:33,570 --> 01:07:34,780 The team went on a mission without you. 1114 01:07:34,780 --> 01:07:35,614 And without an actor, 1115 01:07:35,614 --> 01:07:36,823 they were like pigs to the slaughter. 1116 01:07:36,823 --> 01:07:39,493 I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands? 1117 01:07:39,493 --> 01:07:40,702 - I know I walked out, 1118 01:07:40,702 --> 01:07:42,370 but I'd do anything to take it back. 1119 01:07:42,370 --> 01:07:43,914 Please, just let me help. 1120 01:07:43,914 --> 01:07:45,874 - You've done enough. 1121 01:07:45,874 --> 01:07:50,253 - Please, Spottswoode, you have to believe in me. 1122 01:07:50,253 --> 01:07:53,507 I want to believe in you, Gary, 1123 01:07:53,507 --> 01:07:55,133 I really do. 1124 01:07:55,133 --> 01:07:58,303 But you've let me down before. 1125 01:07:58,303 --> 01:08:01,431 - Please, how can I make you trust me? 1126 01:08:03,141 --> 01:08:06,103 - I remember the first time we met. 1127 01:08:06,103 --> 01:08:07,646 You were a simple Broadway actor 1128 01:08:07,646 --> 01:08:08,897 afraid to get in my limo 1129 01:08:08,897 --> 01:08:09,898 because you thought I wanted you 1130 01:08:09,898 --> 01:08:12,359 to perform oral sex on me. 1131 01:08:12,359 --> 01:08:14,736 Do you remember that? 1132 01:08:14,736 --> 01:08:15,529 - Yeah. 1133 01:08:16,696 --> 01:08:18,949 - And now the tables are turned, 1134 01:08:18,949 --> 01:08:21,910 and I don't know if I can trust you. 1135 01:08:23,578 --> 01:08:26,206 - Just give me a chance. 1136 01:08:30,252 --> 01:08:32,546 - All right, I'll trust you. 1137 01:08:33,421 --> 01:08:34,631 But only if you 1138 01:08:35,549 --> 01:08:37,843 will perform oral sex on me. 1139 01:08:39,928 --> 01:08:40,887 - What? 1140 01:08:40,887 --> 01:08:42,848 - Right here, right now. 1141 01:08:45,308 --> 01:08:46,852 - You can't be serious. 1142 01:08:46,852 --> 01:08:48,645 - Oh, I am serious. 1143 01:08:48,645 --> 01:08:51,064 Look, this is my serious face. 1144 01:08:53,859 --> 01:08:55,110 - What will that prove? 1145 01:08:55,110 --> 01:08:56,695 - It will prove that you are truly ready 1146 01:08:56,695 --> 01:08:58,155 to lay everything on the line. 1147 01:08:58,155 --> 01:08:59,364 To throw away all your inhibitions 1148 01:08:59,364 --> 01:09:00,240 and give 100%. 1149 01:09:00,240 --> 01:09:01,741 We must go back to that first night we met, 1150 01:09:01,741 --> 01:09:03,285 that first issue of trust. 1151 01:09:03,285 --> 01:09:04,119 Don't you see? 1152 01:09:04,119 --> 01:09:04,953 - No. 1153 01:09:04,953 --> 01:09:06,121 I thought you weren't gay. 1154 01:09:06,121 --> 01:09:07,497 - This isn't about sex, Gary, 1155 01:09:07,497 --> 01:09:08,957 it's about trust. 1156 01:09:08,957 --> 01:09:10,417 It's the eye of the needle, Gary, 1157 01:09:10,417 --> 01:09:13,128 and we must both pass through it. 1158 01:09:17,090 --> 01:09:18,258 Okay, let's do it. 1159 01:09:21,720 --> 01:09:24,139 I'll make sure nobody's watching. 1160 01:09:24,139 --> 01:09:26,266 Yeah, it looks clear. 1161 01:09:26,266 --> 01:09:27,058 Okay, go. 1162 01:09:29,561 --> 01:09:31,229 - There must be another way. 1163 01:09:31,229 --> 01:09:32,105 - Hmph! 1164 01:09:32,105 --> 01:09:33,440 I guess you won't do everything 1165 01:09:33,440 --> 01:09:34,608 to take it all back, will you, Gary? 1166 01:09:34,608 --> 01:09:35,442 - No, no, no. 1167 01:09:35,442 --> 01:09:37,652 Wait, wait, hold on. 1168 01:09:37,652 --> 01:09:39,196 You're saying if I do that, 1169 01:09:39,196 --> 01:09:41,489 you'll let me help the team? 1170 01:09:42,782 --> 01:09:45,660 - I'll give you all the time I can. 1171 01:09:48,496 --> 01:09:51,249 Okay, let's do it. 1172 01:09:51,249 --> 01:09:52,125 Here we go. 1173 01:09:53,251 --> 01:09:54,294 And go. 1174 01:10:24,115 --> 01:10:25,575 You are dedicated. 1175 01:10:26,660 --> 01:10:28,370 Now, let's go get cleaned up. 1176 01:10:28,370 --> 01:10:30,747 If you're going to storm Kim Jong Il's palace single-handed, 1177 01:10:30,747 --> 01:10:31,581 we have to make you 1178 01:10:31,581 --> 01:10:34,960 a complete soldier in very little time. 1179 01:10:34,960 --> 01:10:36,920 - How we gonna do that? 1180 01:10:36,920 --> 01:10:40,382 - I think I know just what we need. 1181 01:10:44,511 --> 01:10:45,762 ♪ The hour's approaching ♪ 1182 01:10:45,762 --> 01:10:47,305 ♪ To give it your best ♪ 1183 01:10:47,305 --> 01:10:50,684 ♪ And you've got to reach your prime ♪ 1184 01:10:50,684 --> 01:10:51,977 ♪ That's when you need ♪ 1185 01:10:51,977 --> 01:10:53,728 ♪ to put yourself to the test ♪ 1186 01:10:53,728 --> 01:10:56,564 ♪ And show us a passage of time ♪ 1187 01:10:56,564 --> 01:10:58,775 ♪ We're gonna need a montage ♪ 1188 01:10:58,775 --> 01:10:59,818 ♪ Montage ♪ 1189 01:10:59,818 --> 01:11:01,695 ♪ It takes a montage ♪ 1190 01:11:01,695 --> 01:11:03,321 ♪ Montage ♪ 1191 01:11:03,321 --> 01:11:04,906 ♪ Show a lot of things ♪ 1192 01:11:04,906 --> 01:11:06,199 ♪ Happening at once ♪ 1193 01:11:06,199 --> 01:11:09,369 ♪ Remind everyone of what's going on ♪ 1194 01:11:09,369 --> 01:11:12,789 ♪ And with every shot show a little improvement ♪ 1195 01:11:12,789 --> 01:11:15,208 ♪ To show it all would take too long ♪ 1196 01:11:15,208 --> 01:11:17,794 ♪ That's called a montage ♪ 1197 01:11:17,794 --> 01:11:18,670 ♪ Montage ♪ 1198 01:11:18,670 --> 01:11:20,880 ♪ Girl, we want a montage ♪ 1199 01:11:20,880 --> 01:11:22,424 ♪ Montage ♪ 1200 01:11:22,424 --> 01:11:25,552 ♪ In anything, if you want to go ♪ 1201 01:11:25,552 --> 01:11:28,138 ♪ From just a beginner to a pro ♪ 1202 01:11:28,138 --> 01:11:30,557 ♪ You need a montage ♪ 1203 01:11:30,557 --> 01:11:31,391 ♪ Montage ♪ 1204 01:11:31,391 --> 01:11:33,518 ♪ Even Rocky had a montage ♪ 1205 01:11:33,518 --> 01:11:35,520 ♪ Montage ♪ 1206 01:11:35,520 --> 01:11:40,317 ♪ Always fade out in a montage ♪ 1207 01:11:40,317 --> 01:11:41,192 ♪ Montage ♪ 1208 01:11:41,192 --> 01:11:42,360 ♪ If you fade out ♪ 1209 01:11:42,360 --> 01:11:44,612 ♪ It seems like more time has passed ♪ 1210 01:11:44,612 --> 01:11:46,489 ♪ In a montage ♪ 1211 01:11:46,489 --> 01:11:47,866 ♪ Montage ♪ 1212 01:11:58,501 --> 01:12:00,587 - Radies and gentlemen. 1213 01:12:00,587 --> 01:12:02,964 The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong Il 1214 01:12:02,964 --> 01:12:04,549 are preased to welcome you 1215 01:12:04,549 --> 01:12:07,969 to the International World Peace Ceremony. 1216 01:12:10,847 --> 01:12:12,932 The most important people from every country 1217 01:12:12,932 --> 01:12:15,727 are gathered here in soridarity 1218 01:12:15,727 --> 01:12:17,896 to cerebrate peace. 1219 01:12:17,896 --> 01:12:20,440 There will be music, dancing and, of course, 1220 01:12:20,440 --> 01:12:23,443 the biggest stars in Horrywood. 1221 01:12:23,443 --> 01:12:25,779 In the box to your reft is the mastermind 1222 01:12:25,779 --> 01:12:27,655 of this spectacurar show, 1223 01:12:27,655 --> 01:12:30,116 the multitarented Kim Jong Il. 1224 01:12:32,369 --> 01:12:33,161 Oh, herro. 1225 01:12:35,330 --> 01:12:37,040 And now we present to you 1226 01:12:37,040 --> 01:12:39,667 the very best in North Korean music. 1227 01:12:47,008 --> 01:12:50,553 ♪ Kim Jong Il doh, Kim Jong Il doh ♪ 1228 01:12:50,553 --> 01:12:52,347 ♪ Kim Jong il ♪ 1229 01:12:59,020 --> 01:13:00,271 - 10 years of pranning, 1230 01:13:00,271 --> 01:13:02,273 and finarry the night is here. 1231 01:13:02,273 --> 01:13:03,983 The terrorists know to be in position 1232 01:13:03,983 --> 01:13:06,820 by the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage. 1233 01:13:06,820 --> 01:13:08,780 That's when I trigger all the WMDs 1234 01:13:08,780 --> 01:13:10,990 to go off at the same time. 1235 01:13:10,990 --> 01:13:13,034 When you see Arec Barrwin, 1236 01:13:13,034 --> 01:13:17,539 you will see the true ugriness of human nature. 1237 01:13:17,539 --> 01:13:18,957 - Your plan will never work. 1238 01:13:18,957 --> 01:13:20,834 Something will stop it. 1239 01:13:21,835 --> 01:13:24,754 - You stupid, naive Team Americans. 1240 01:13:24,754 --> 01:13:26,756 You berieve in true rove and happy endings 1241 01:13:26,756 --> 01:13:30,343 even while the world around you spirals downward. 1242 01:13:30,343 --> 01:13:33,388 - Sometimes believing is all we have. 1243 01:13:36,224 --> 01:13:39,227 - And as the leaders of your countries, 1244 01:13:39,227 --> 01:13:40,228 you have the power 1245 01:13:40,228 --> 01:13:41,938 to bring the world together under 1246 01:13:41,938 --> 01:13:45,733 the principles of the Film Actors Guild. 1247 01:13:45,733 --> 01:13:48,736 - You're gonna knock them dead, Alec. 1248 01:13:48,736 --> 01:13:51,781 10 minutes, Mr. Baldwin. 1249 01:14:01,541 --> 01:14:03,418 - Who the hell you? 1250 01:14:03,418 --> 01:14:04,961 - I'm with the Film Actors Guild. 1251 01:14:04,961 --> 01:14:06,629 I'm here to help with the broadcast. 1252 01:14:06,629 --> 01:14:08,548 - Then you show credentials. 1253 01:14:08,548 --> 01:14:10,633 - Hey, you don't need to see my credentials. 1254 01:14:10,633 --> 01:14:13,928 I left them at home and I'm running late. 1255 01:14:13,928 --> 01:14:15,054 - I believe him. 1256 01:14:15,054 --> 01:14:16,556 - Yeah, me too. 1257 01:14:16,556 --> 01:14:18,766 - Okay, have a nice day. - Okay. 1258 01:14:18,766 --> 01:14:22,770 - My God, his acting is better than ever. 1259 01:14:37,368 --> 01:14:38,369 - Don't worry, fellas, 1260 01:14:38,369 --> 01:14:40,205 I've got my pass right here. 1261 01:14:49,005 --> 01:14:50,381 - Myeh... 1262 01:14:50,381 --> 01:14:52,300 - Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins, 1263 01:14:52,300 --> 01:14:54,677 you don't understand what Kim Jong Il is doing. 1264 01:14:54,677 --> 01:14:55,845 - Shut up. 1265 01:14:55,845 --> 01:14:58,473 We have explicit instructions to watch you. 1266 01:14:58,473 --> 01:15:00,600 - Yeah, we're supposed to be guards. 1267 01:15:00,600 --> 01:15:01,726 - We're guards. 1268 01:15:01,726 --> 01:15:02,644 - We're guards, huh? 1269 01:15:02,644 --> 01:15:03,811 We're guards. 1270 01:15:03,811 --> 01:15:05,355 - We're guards. 1271 01:15:05,355 --> 01:15:06,731 - Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. 1272 01:15:06,731 --> 01:15:08,858 Someone has broken into the main hall. 1273 01:15:08,858 --> 01:15:09,692 - What? 1274 01:15:09,692 --> 01:15:10,527 Come on, Martin! 1275 01:15:21,913 --> 01:15:23,122 - Gary? 1276 01:15:23,122 --> 01:15:24,624 - What the fuck are you doing here? 1277 01:15:24,624 --> 01:15:25,875 - Guys, are you all right? 1278 01:15:25,875 --> 01:15:27,502 Where's Lisa? 1279 01:15:27,502 --> 01:15:28,461 - What the heck do you care? 1280 01:15:28,461 --> 01:15:29,879 You walked out on her. 1281 01:15:29,879 --> 01:15:31,631 - Look, I wanna make things right. 1282 01:15:31,631 --> 01:15:33,550 Here, Spottswoode's monitoring from the base. 1283 01:15:33,550 --> 01:15:35,426 - Spottswoode is dead, Gary. 1284 01:15:35,426 --> 01:15:36,553 Not as dead as you think. 1285 01:15:36,553 --> 01:15:37,679 - Spottswoode! 1286 01:15:37,679 --> 01:15:39,722 - Yes, I'm here, Joe. 1287 01:15:39,722 --> 01:15:42,141 - All right, you're alive! 1288 01:15:42,141 --> 01:15:43,851 - Great to hear your voices again. 1289 01:15:43,851 --> 01:15:46,354 Now we've got to get Lisa and stop Kim Jong Il. 1290 01:15:46,354 --> 01:15:48,606 - I'm not going anywhere with this fucking traitor. 1291 01:15:48,606 --> 01:15:49,440 - Yeah, what makes you think 1292 01:15:49,440 --> 01:15:50,942 we'll take you back, you douchebag? 1293 01:15:50,942 --> 01:15:52,569 - We're doing this without you! 1294 01:15:52,569 --> 01:15:53,778 - Now, hold on, team. 1295 01:15:53,778 --> 01:15:55,238 Gary has already proven to me 1296 01:15:55,238 --> 01:15:57,532 that he is 100 percent committed to the team. 1297 01:15:57,532 --> 01:16:01,077 He proved it last night by sucking my cock. 1298 01:16:05,206 --> 01:16:06,040 - All right. 1299 01:16:06,040 --> 01:16:08,668 Come on, team, we gotta find that stage. 1300 01:16:08,668 --> 01:16:09,961 - Rook how much they rove my show. 1301 01:16:09,961 --> 01:16:13,089 The entire audience is so captivated. 1302 01:16:20,221 --> 01:16:24,559 And now you see, the new world is inevitabre. 1303 01:16:24,559 --> 01:16:26,060 - It's what? 1304 01:16:26,060 --> 01:16:28,229 - Inevita, inevitabre. 1305 01:16:28,229 --> 01:16:29,105 - One more time. 1306 01:16:29,105 --> 01:16:30,231 - Inevitabre! 1307 01:16:30,231 --> 01:16:33,026 Things are inevitabry going to change. 1308 01:16:33,026 --> 01:16:35,903 Goddamn it, open your fucking ears. 1309 01:16:37,739 --> 01:16:39,240 Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin. 1310 01:16:39,240 --> 01:16:40,408 - Thank you. 1311 01:16:40,408 --> 01:16:42,285 - Alec, we have a problem. 1312 01:16:42,285 --> 01:16:44,454 - Team America escaped. 1313 01:16:44,454 --> 01:16:45,830 What? 1314 01:16:45,830 --> 01:16:47,957 You fools, they'll ruin everything. 1315 01:16:47,957 --> 01:16:48,791 - We better warn everyone. 1316 01:16:48,791 --> 01:16:50,710 They'll be headed here. 1317 01:16:50,710 --> 01:16:53,755 - No, we can't look weak and powerless. 1318 01:16:53,755 --> 01:16:55,757 If violence is all those bastards understand, 1319 01:16:55,757 --> 01:16:57,342 then violence they'll get. 1320 01:16:57,342 --> 01:16:59,469 Every actor, grab a gun and keep Team America 1321 01:16:59,469 --> 01:17:02,722 from reaching this ceremony at all costs. 1322 01:17:02,722 --> 01:17:04,766 Qapla! 1323 01:17:04,766 --> 01:17:05,892 Qapla! 1324 01:17:07,060 --> 01:17:10,188 - I swear they won't reach this stage. 1325 01:17:27,497 --> 01:17:29,582 - Jesus, what have we got? 1326 01:17:29,582 --> 01:17:34,504 Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler, 20 yards. 1327 01:17:34,504 --> 01:17:36,422 - Look out, it's Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo. 1328 01:17:42,679 --> 01:17:44,389 - Drop your weapons. 1329 01:17:44,389 --> 01:17:45,515 - Fucking die! 1330 01:17:48,142 --> 01:17:49,352 - We gotta split up. 1331 01:17:49,352 --> 01:17:50,770 Sarah, you and Gary go that way. 1332 01:17:50,770 --> 01:17:52,063 Chris and I will go right. 1333 01:17:52,063 --> 01:17:55,942 - No, I think I'd rather team up with you, Joe. 1334 01:17:57,360 --> 01:18:00,154 - I guess you're with me, cockfag. 1335 01:18:01,864 --> 01:18:02,699 - Danny Glover! 1336 01:18:02,699 --> 01:18:03,533 - Come on, Penn. 1337 01:18:03,533 --> 01:18:04,659 We must protect the show. 1338 01:18:04,659 --> 01:18:05,451 - Right. 1339 01:18:06,869 --> 01:18:08,121 - The stage must be that way. 1340 01:18:08,121 --> 01:18:09,706 - No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap! 1341 01:18:15,712 --> 01:18:17,964 - Very impressive, warmongers. 1342 01:18:17,964 --> 01:18:21,551 Now let's see how Kim Jong Il's panthers treat you. 1343 01:18:25,221 --> 01:18:27,473 I went to Iraq, you know! 1344 01:18:33,521 --> 01:18:34,981 - Susan Sarandon. 1345 01:18:34,981 --> 01:18:36,107 - Oh, thank God. 1346 01:18:36,107 --> 01:18:37,358 We have to stop the ceremony. 1347 01:18:37,358 --> 01:18:38,901 Kim Jong Il is mad. 1348 01:18:38,901 --> 01:18:39,777 Here, let me loose. 1349 01:18:39,777 --> 01:18:41,195 I'll show you where the theater is. 1350 01:18:41,195 --> 01:18:42,447 - All right. 1351 01:18:42,447 --> 01:18:43,948 - No, Chris, stay away from her. 1352 01:18:43,948 --> 01:18:45,575 Fuck you. She wants to help us. 1353 01:18:45,575 --> 01:18:47,577 - No, Chris, she's acting. 1354 01:18:49,412 --> 01:18:50,413 - I am not. 1355 01:18:50,413 --> 01:18:51,789 The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along 1356 01:18:51,789 --> 01:18:53,499 with their plans. 1357 01:18:53,499 --> 01:18:57,754 - Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon. 1358 01:18:57,754 --> 01:19:00,923 You shall die a peasant's death! 1359 01:19:09,515 --> 01:19:11,184 - Jesus titty-fucking Christ. 1360 01:19:11,184 --> 01:19:13,936 I could've sworn she was telling the truth. 1361 01:19:13,936 --> 01:19:15,521 - That's why they call it acting. 1362 01:19:15,521 --> 01:19:18,232 Come on, we gotta find Lisa. 1363 01:19:18,232 --> 01:19:20,401 - I was 19 years old when the musical "Cats” 1364 01:19:20,401 --> 01:19:22,195 came to our town. 1365 01:19:22,195 --> 01:19:24,322 I couldn't wait to see it. 1366 01:19:25,406 --> 01:19:27,325 After the show, I was asked if I wanted to go meet 1367 01:19:27,325 --> 01:19:30,119 some of the performers backstage. 1368 01:19:30,119 --> 01:19:31,913 Man, I was thrilled. 1369 01:19:31,913 --> 01:19:33,748 But when I got back there, 1370 01:19:33,748 --> 01:19:36,709 they were drunk and out of control. 1371 01:19:36,709 --> 01:19:40,129 Rumpus cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. 1372 01:19:40,129 --> 01:19:41,881 I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer 1373 01:19:41,881 --> 01:19:43,424 held me down and... 1374 01:19:45,426 --> 01:19:47,970 I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees. 1375 01:19:52,225 --> 01:19:55,144 - That's why you don't trust actors. 1376 01:19:58,439 --> 01:20:00,733 - I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. 1377 01:20:00,733 --> 01:20:01,818 If there's still a world left 1378 01:20:01,818 --> 01:20:05,947 when this is all over, I'd like to buy you a beer. 1379 01:20:08,241 --> 01:20:09,075 - Come on, let's go. 1380 01:20:09,075 --> 01:20:11,536 We're running out of time. 1381 01:20:14,539 --> 01:20:16,123 - Sarah, before we die, 1382 01:20:16,123 --> 01:20:19,377 I want to finally tell you that I love you. 1383 01:20:19,377 --> 01:20:21,045 No. 1384 01:20:21,045 --> 01:20:24,215 No, I'm not gonna let it end like this. 1385 01:20:24,215 --> 01:20:26,133 We are not your enemy, furry ones. 1386 01:20:26,133 --> 01:20:28,177 You will not attack us. 1387 01:20:28,177 --> 01:20:29,929 - Sarah, that isn't going to work. 1388 01:20:29,929 --> 01:20:32,265 You don't really have mental powers. 1389 01:20:32,265 --> 01:20:33,933 - Your captors are behind you, Shebas. 1390 01:20:33,933 --> 01:20:36,018 Show your anger to them. 1391 01:20:49,448 --> 01:20:50,241 - Oh no! 1392 01:20:51,325 --> 01:20:52,118 - No! 1393 01:20:57,123 --> 01:20:59,125 - Sarah, you did it! 1394 01:21:02,336 --> 01:21:05,339 Wait. Hold on. 1395 01:21:05,339 --> 01:21:06,173 Spottswoode, I think we just found 1396 01:21:06,173 --> 01:21:07,550 the entrance to the theater. 1397 01:21:07,550 --> 01:21:08,384 Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our-- 1398 01:21:10,553 --> 01:21:12,013 - Gary! 1399 01:21:13,306 --> 01:21:14,682 - Actors, ho! 1400 01:21:14,682 --> 01:21:16,017 - Helen Hunt. 1401 01:21:16,017 --> 01:21:18,227 - Samuel Jackson. 1402 01:21:18,227 --> 01:21:19,270 - Matt Damon. 1403 01:21:21,689 --> 01:21:24,275 Motherfucker. 1404 01:21:24,275 --> 01:21:28,779 Gary, Chris, come in. 1405 01:21:28,779 --> 01:21:33,326 - And now, radies and gentlemen, Mr. Arec Barrwin. 1406 01:21:45,755 --> 01:21:48,841 - We are here to usher in a new era without violence. 1407 01:21:48,841 --> 01:21:51,385 By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild, 1408 01:21:51,385 --> 01:21:53,679 the world can become a better place 1409 01:21:53,679 --> 01:21:55,097 that handles dangerous people 1410 01:21:55,097 --> 01:21:57,808 with talk and reasoning. 1411 01:21:57,808 --> 01:21:59,685 That is the F.A.G. way. 1412 01:22:01,646 --> 01:22:03,773 One day you'll all look at the world 1413 01:22:03,773 --> 01:22:06,067 us actors created and say, 1414 01:22:06,067 --> 01:22:08,027 "Wow, good going, F.A.G. 1415 01:22:09,862 --> 01:22:10,947 "You really made the world 1416 01:22:10,947 --> 01:22:14,033 "a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?" 1417 01:22:14,033 --> 01:22:16,077 - Yes, Arec Barrwin. 1418 01:22:16,077 --> 01:22:18,913 Too bad there won't be a world reft. 1419 01:22:18,913 --> 01:22:20,790 - Oh, God, no. 1420 01:22:20,790 --> 01:22:22,124 - You see? 1421 01:22:22,124 --> 01:22:24,251 No Prince Charming rode in on a white stallion 1422 01:22:24,251 --> 01:22:26,170 to save the day. 1423 01:22:26,170 --> 01:22:28,673 This is the real world. 1424 01:22:28,673 --> 01:22:31,133 I'm afraid your world is over. 1425 01:22:32,343 --> 01:22:35,513 In five minutes. 1426 01:22:37,139 --> 01:22:39,016 Yes, the ticking crock. 1427 01:22:42,186 --> 01:22:44,105 - Sorry, Team America, but you see, 1428 01:22:44,105 --> 01:22:47,024 we must live in a time of peace. 1429 01:22:47,024 --> 01:22:48,651 - Put down the gas can now! 1430 01:22:49,652 --> 01:22:50,611 - Kill them! 1431 01:22:55,199 --> 01:22:56,492 - Jackson! 1432 01:22:58,869 --> 01:23:01,747 - Team, you've got to hurry. 1433 01:23:06,836 --> 01:23:08,295 - Let's go, bitch. 1434 01:23:08,295 --> 01:23:10,256 I've done action films. 1435 01:23:10,256 --> 01:23:11,215 Come on. 1436 01:23:33,529 --> 01:23:34,947 - Matt Damon! 1437 01:23:46,042 --> 01:23:47,960 - Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me. 1438 01:23:55,718 --> 01:23:58,095 - Don't fucking move! 1439 01:23:58,095 --> 01:24:00,097 Now, isn't that a shame? 1440 01:24:00,097 --> 01:24:01,766 You came so close to stopping peace. 1441 01:24:01,766 --> 01:24:05,561 But you see, peace always finds a way. 1442 01:24:05,561 --> 01:24:07,938 Goodbye, Team America. 1443 01:24:07,938 --> 01:24:10,775 - I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins. 1444 01:24:10,775 --> 01:24:11,901 - What's that? 1445 01:24:12,902 --> 01:24:14,111 - I'm a smoker. 1446 01:24:33,255 --> 01:24:35,341 - Now that the world is going to be run peacefully, 1447 01:24:35,341 --> 01:24:37,134 we should all drive hybrid cars. 1448 01:24:37,134 --> 01:24:39,553 - Right now famiries are gathering in parks, 1449 01:24:39,553 --> 01:24:41,388 children are walking to school, 1450 01:24:41,388 --> 01:24:43,390 friends are sitting in movie theatres. 1451 01:24:43,390 --> 01:24:45,142 All compretery unaware that the world 1452 01:24:45,142 --> 01:24:48,104 is about to change forever. 1453 01:24:48,104 --> 01:24:49,605 All because of me. 1454 01:24:52,650 --> 01:24:56,028 Stop that man! 1455 01:24:56,028 --> 01:24:57,655 - Gary! 1456 01:24:57,655 --> 01:24:59,156 - Team America? 1457 01:24:59,156 --> 01:25:00,658 - Goddamn it. 1458 01:25:00,658 --> 01:25:02,952 - Sorry to interrupt the show, everyone, but Kim Jong Il 1459 01:25:02,952 --> 01:25:04,120 is an international criminal. 1460 01:25:04,120 --> 01:25:05,371 We're here to arrest him. 1461 01:25:05,371 --> 01:25:07,206 - Oh, no, you're not. 1462 01:25:07,206 --> 01:25:09,542 This is a peace conference. 1463 01:25:09,542 --> 01:25:12,294 And if you even try to touch Kim Jong Il, 1464 01:25:12,294 --> 01:25:15,673 this audience and I will rise up against you. 1465 01:25:18,759 --> 01:25:20,052 Fuck off, Team America! 1466 01:25:20,052 --> 01:25:21,387 - Team, there's no time. 1467 01:25:21,387 --> 01:25:22,763 You have to convince that audience 1468 01:25:22,763 --> 01:25:24,140 to let you do your job. 1469 01:25:26,475 --> 01:25:28,853 - Gary, you've got to take the stage. 1470 01:25:28,853 --> 01:25:31,105 - No, I can't upstage Alec Baldwin. 1471 01:25:31,105 --> 01:25:32,940 He's the best actor in the world. 1472 01:25:32,940 --> 01:25:34,358 - You have to try. 1473 01:25:34,358 --> 01:25:35,985 - I'm not that good. 1474 01:25:35,985 --> 01:25:38,612 - Actually, you're the finest actor 1475 01:25:38,612 --> 01:25:39,738 I've ever met. 1476 01:25:48,873 --> 01:25:49,832 - Come on, Gary, hurry. 1477 01:25:49,832 --> 01:25:51,792 You've got to act fast. 1478 01:25:54,545 --> 01:25:57,131 - Uh, I know you all don't like Team America 1479 01:25:57,131 --> 01:25:58,340 a whole lot right now, 1480 01:25:58,340 --> 01:26:01,302 but Kim Jong Il is a lot worse. 1481 01:26:05,055 --> 01:26:06,390 - You can't outact me, boy. 1482 01:26:06,390 --> 01:26:08,225 Don't even try. 1483 01:26:08,225 --> 01:26:10,269 - For the truth is that Team America 1484 01:26:10,269 --> 01:26:13,189 fights for the billion-dollar corporations. 1485 01:26:13,189 --> 01:26:17,067 They are just as bad as the enemies they fight. 1486 01:26:21,655 --> 01:26:23,199 - Oh, no, we aren't. 1487 01:26:23,199 --> 01:26:24,158 We're dicks! 1488 01:26:29,246 --> 01:26:32,458 We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. 1489 01:26:34,210 --> 01:26:37,338 And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. 1490 01:26:39,882 --> 01:26:42,343 And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. 1491 01:26:45,721 --> 01:26:47,765 Pussies don't like dicks, 1492 01:26:47,765 --> 01:26:50,643 because pussies get fucked by dicks. 1493 01:26:50,643 --> 01:26:52,978 But dicks also fuck assholes, 1494 01:26:54,688 --> 01:26:58,317 assholes who just wanna shit on everything. 1495 01:26:58,317 --> 01:27:01,820 Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. 1496 01:27:01,820 --> 01:27:04,323 But the only thing that can fuck an asshole 1497 01:27:04,323 --> 01:27:06,742 is a dick with some balls. 1498 01:27:10,621 --> 01:27:14,583 The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much. 1499 01:27:14,583 --> 01:27:16,752 Or fuck when it isn't appropriate. 1500 01:27:16,752 --> 01:27:18,128 - Yes, Gary, yes. 1501 01:27:19,463 --> 01:27:22,549 - And it takes a pussy to show them that. 1502 01:27:22,549 --> 01:27:24,802 But sometimes pussies get so full of shit 1503 01:27:24,802 --> 01:27:27,888 that they become assholes themselves. 1504 01:27:27,888 --> 01:27:29,139 Because pussies are only 1505 01:27:29,139 --> 01:27:32,268 an inch and a half away from assholes. 1506 01:27:33,435 --> 01:27:37,189 I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world. 1507 01:27:37,189 --> 01:27:41,902 But I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, 1508 01:27:43,112 --> 01:27:46,699 we are gonna have our dicks and our pussies 1509 01:27:46,699 --> 01:27:48,325 all covered in shit. 1510 01:28:05,718 --> 01:28:07,761 - Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong Il. 1511 01:28:10,514 --> 01:28:12,891 - Do something, Arec Barrwin! 1512 01:28:12,891 --> 01:28:15,019 - The, the Global warming and, and Corporate America... 1513 01:28:18,939 --> 01:28:21,567 - You are worthress, Arec Barrwin. 1514 01:28:31,327 --> 01:28:33,162 Don't fucking move! 1515 01:28:33,162 --> 01:28:35,539 You were all going to be treated to a faburous show. 1516 01:28:35,539 --> 01:28:36,874 But now party's over. 1517 01:28:36,874 --> 01:28:37,958 For I am the great Kim Jong Il-- 1518 01:28:37,958 --> 01:28:39,418 - Lisa. 1519 01:28:39,418 --> 01:28:43,297 - And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived. 1520 01:28:43,297 --> 01:28:44,506 Terrorize this. 1521 01:29:00,481 --> 01:29:01,982 - Lisa, are you okay? 1522 01:29:01,982 --> 01:29:03,025 - No, Gary, the countdown. 1523 01:29:03,025 --> 01:29:04,526 You have to stop it. 1524 01:29:04,526 --> 01:29:05,736 - What do I do? 1525 01:29:05,736 --> 01:29:08,197 - Hit the big "cancel" button! 1526 01:29:14,703 --> 01:29:16,538 Gary, how did you manage this? 1527 01:29:16,538 --> 01:29:17,456 - Spottswoode helped me. 1528 01:29:17,456 --> 01:29:18,332 - Spottswoode? 1529 01:29:18,332 --> 01:29:19,333 He's alive? 1530 01:29:19,333 --> 01:29:22,169 - Lisa, I'm crazy about you. 1531 01:29:22,169 --> 01:29:23,003 Will you please forgive me if I-- 1532 01:29:23,003 --> 01:29:23,962 - Shhh. 1533 01:29:23,962 --> 01:29:26,799 You had me at "dicks fuck assholes. " 1534 01:29:26,799 --> 01:29:30,344 - Attention, attention, everyone. 1535 01:29:30,344 --> 01:29:32,930 All you in the audience should go to your homes now. 1536 01:29:32,930 --> 01:29:34,515 Your countries need you. 1537 01:29:34,515 --> 01:29:36,141 But the world will be safe, 1538 01:29:36,141 --> 01:29:38,894 thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston. 1539 01:29:59,248 --> 01:30:02,167 Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. 1540 01:30:02,167 --> 01:30:03,794 He's a man who knows 1541 01:30:03,794 --> 01:30:05,379 that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, 1542 01:30:05,379 --> 01:30:07,297 you make a pact. 1543 01:30:07,297 --> 01:30:09,550 A bond that cannot be broken. 1544 01:30:09,550 --> 01:30:12,094 He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees 1545 01:30:12,094 --> 01:30:14,304 and put that cock right in his mouth. 1546 01:30:16,682 --> 01:30:19,226 - Wait a minute. Look! 1547 01:30:24,231 --> 01:30:27,443 - You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong Il. 1548 01:30:27,443 --> 01:30:28,569 I will return! 1549 01:30:30,529 --> 01:30:31,655 You shall see. 1550 01:30:31,655 --> 01:30:32,865 I will be back! 1551 01:30:40,539 --> 01:30:42,166 So rong, earthrings! 1552 01:30:44,918 --> 01:30:48,130 - We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong Il. 1553 01:30:48,130 --> 01:30:49,339 - All right, you guys, I hate to break up this little party, 1554 01:30:49,339 --> 01:30:51,758 but there's still a lot of bad guys out there. 1555 01:30:51,758 --> 01:30:54,178 - Well, then let's go show the bad guys 1556 01:30:54,178 --> 01:30:56,972 the police are back in force. 1557 01:30:56,972 --> 01:30:58,640 - Fuck, yeah. 1558 01:30:58,640 --> 01:30:59,683 - Fuck, yeah. 1559 01:31:00,851 --> 01:31:04,438 ♪ America ♪ 1560 01:31:04,438 --> 01:31:08,525 ♪ America ♪ 1561 01:31:08,525 --> 01:31:10,027 ♪ America ♪ 1562 01:31:10,027 --> 01:31:11,111 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 1563 01:31:11,111 --> 01:31:13,822 ♪ Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah ♪ 1564 01:31:13,822 --> 01:31:15,449 ♪ America ♪ 1565 01:31:15,449 --> 01:31:16,950 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 1566 01:31:16,950 --> 01:31:20,162 ♪ Freedom is the only way, yeah ♪ 1567 01:31:20,162 --> 01:31:22,122 ♪ Terrorists, your game is through ♪ 1568 01:31:22,122 --> 01:31:25,000 ♪ 'Cause now you have to answer to ♪ 1569 01:31:25,000 --> 01:31:26,710 ♪ America ♪ 1570 01:31:26,710 --> 01:31:27,878 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 1571 01:31:27,878 --> 01:31:29,171 ♪ So lick my butt ♪ 1572 01:31:29,171 --> 01:31:30,672 ♪ And suck on my balls ♪ 1573 01:31:30,672 --> 01:31:32,299 ♪ America ♪ 1574 01:31:32,299 --> 01:31:33,592 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 1575 01:31:33,592 --> 01:31:34,760 ♪ What you gonna do ♪ 1576 01:31:34,760 --> 01:31:37,471 ♪ When we come for you now ♪ 1577 01:31:37,471 --> 01:31:40,641 ♪ It's the dream that we all share ♪ 1578 01:31:40,641 --> 01:31:43,602 ♪ It's the hope for tomorrow ♪ 1579 01:31:43,602 --> 01:31:48,148 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 1580 01:31:48,148 --> 01:31:48,982 ♪ McDonald's ♪ 1581 01:31:48,982 --> 01:31:49,816 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 1582 01:31:49,816 --> 01:31:50,817 ♪ Wal-Mart, fuck yeah ♪ 1583 01:31:50,817 --> 01:31:52,069 ♪ The Gap, fuck yeah ♪ 1584 01:31:52,069 --> 01:31:53,362 ♪ Baseball, fuck yeah ♪ 1585 01:31:53,362 --> 01:31:55,030 ♪ NFL, fuck yeah ♪ 1586 01:31:55,030 --> 01:31:56,406 ♪ Rock 'n' roll, fuck yeah ♪ 1587 01:31:56,406 --> 01:31:57,658 ♪ The Internet, fuck yeah ♪ 1588 01:31:57,658 --> 01:31:59,159 ♪ Slavery, fuck yeah ♪ 1589 01:32:00,661 --> 01:32:03,038 ♪ Fuck, yeah ♪ 1590 01:32:08,627 --> 01:32:10,546 ♪ Everyone has AIDS ♪ 1591 01:32:10,546 --> 01:32:12,297 ♪ My grandma and my dog Ole Blue ♪ 1592 01:32:12,297 --> 01:32:13,423 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 1593 01:32:13,423 --> 01:32:15,259 ♪ The Pope has got it and so do you ♪ 1594 01:32:15,259 --> 01:32:16,093 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 1595 01:32:16,093 --> 01:32:18,178 ♪ Come on, everybody, we got quilting to do ♪ 1596 01:32:18,178 --> 01:32:19,096 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 1597 01:32:19,096 --> 01:32:20,597 ♪ We're gonna break down these barricades ♪ 1598 01:32:20,597 --> 01:32:21,515 ♪ Everyone has ♪ 1599 01:32:21,515 --> 01:32:23,267 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 1600 01:32:23,267 --> 01:32:24,810 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 1601 01:32:24,810 --> 01:32:26,311 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 1602 01:32:26,311 --> 01:32:28,063 ♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS ♪ 1603 01:32:28,063 --> 01:32:31,358 ♪ Freedom isn't free ♪ 1604 01:32:31,358 --> 01:32:35,153 ♪ It costs folks like you and me ♪ 1605 01:32:35,153 --> 01:32:37,489 ♪ And if we don't all chip in ♪ 1606 01:32:37,489 --> 01:32:42,452 ♪ We'll never pay that bill ♪ 1607 01:32:43,120 --> 01:32:46,456 ♪ Freedom isn't free ♪ 1608 01:32:46,456 --> 01:32:50,252 ♪ No, there's a hefty fucking fee ♪ 1609 01:32:50,252 --> 01:32:51,920 ♪ And if you don't throw in ♪ 1610 01:32:51,920 --> 01:32:54,006 ♪ Your buck o'five ♪ 1611 01:32:54,006 --> 01:32:58,343 ♪ Who will ♪ 1612 01:32:58,343 --> 01:33:00,262 ♪ Buck o'five ♪ 1613 01:33:00,262 --> 01:33:05,225 ♪ Freedom costs a buck o'five ♪ 1614 01:33:06,560 --> 01:33:09,104 ♪ Only a woman ♪ 1615 01:33:09,104 --> 01:33:13,025 ♪ Can brighten up my day ♪ 1616 01:33:13,025 --> 01:33:15,402 ♪ Only a woman ♪ 1617 01:33:15,402 --> 01:33:18,780 ♪ Can touch me the right way ♪ 1618 01:33:18,780 --> 01:33:20,157 ♪ Yeah ♪ 1619 01:33:20,157 --> 01:33:22,075 ♪ Only a woman ♪ 1620 01:33:22,075 --> 01:33:26,997 ♪ Is allowed to touch me there ♪ 1621 01:33:26,997 --> 01:33:28,957 ♪ All I ask ♪ 1622 01:33:28,957 --> 01:33:33,920 ♪ Is that you're a woman ♪ 1623 01:33:33,920 --> 01:33:38,091 ♪ I'm so ronery ♪ 1624 01:33:38,091 --> 01:33:40,135 ♪ So ronery ♪ 1625 01:33:40,135 --> 01:33:44,181 ♪ So ronery and sadry arone ♪ 1626 01:33:44,181 --> 01:33:45,891 ♪ There's no one ♪ 1627 01:33:45,891 --> 01:33:48,477 ♪ Just me onry ♪ 1628 01:33:48,477 --> 01:33:52,564 ♪ Sitting on my rittle throne ♪ 1629 01:33:52,564 --> 01:33:54,900 ♪ I work rearry hard ♪ 1630 01:33:54,900 --> 01:33:56,777 ♪ And make up great prans ♪ 1631 01:33:56,777 --> 01:33:58,779 ♪ But nobody ristens ♪ 1632 01:33:58,779 --> 01:34:01,198 ♪ No one understands ♪ 1633 01:34:01,198 --> 01:34:02,783 ♪ Seems rike no one ♪ 1634 01:34:02,783 --> 01:34:07,746 ♪ Takes me seriousry ♪ 1635 01:34:08,246 --> 01:34:09,956 ♪ And so ♪ 1636 01:34:09,956 --> 01:34:12,959 ♪ I'm ronery ♪ 1637 01:34:12,959 --> 01:34:15,921 ♪ A rittle ronery ♪ 1638 01:34:15,921 --> 01:34:18,632 ♪ Poor rittle me ♪ 1639 01:34:31,937 --> 01:34:34,231 ♪ I need you like Ben Affleck ♪ 1640 01:34:34,231 --> 01:34:36,775 ♪ Needs acting school ♪ 1641 01:34:36,775 --> 01:34:39,986 ♪ He was terrible in that film ♪ 1642 01:34:39,986 --> 01:34:42,197 ♪ I need you like Cuba Gooding ♪ 1643 01:34:42,197 --> 01:34:44,991 ♪ Needed a bigger part ♪ 1644 01:34:44,991 --> 01:34:47,703 ; He's way better than Ben Affleck 1645 01:34:47,703 --> 01:34:49,246 ♪ And now ♪ 1646 01:34:49,246 --> 01:34:52,833 ♪ All I can think about is your smile ♪ 1647 01:34:52,833 --> 01:34:56,002 ♪ And that shitty movie too ♪ 1648 01:34:56,002 --> 01:34:58,630 ♪ Pearl Harbor sucked ♪ 1649 01:34:58,630 --> 01:35:01,341 ♪ And I miss you ♪ 1650 01:35:09,641 --> 01:35:12,185 ♪ Why does Michael Bay ♪ 1651 01:35:12,185 --> 01:35:15,856 ♪ Get to keep on making movies ♪ 1652 01:35:15,856 --> 01:35:20,652 ♪ I guess Pearl Harbor sucked ♪ 1653 01:35:20,652 --> 01:35:25,365 ♪ Just a little bit more than I miss you ♪ 1654 01:35:33,290 --> 01:35:35,959 ♪ Show a lot of things happening at once ♪ 1655 01:35:35,959 --> 01:35:38,962 ♪ Remind everyone of what's going on ♪ 1656 01:35:38,962 --> 01:35:39,796 ♪ What's going on ♪ 1657 01:35:39,796 --> 01:35:42,048 ♪ And with every shot show a little improvement ♪ 1658 01:35:42,048 --> 01:35:45,135 ♪ To show it all would take too long ♪ 1659 01:35:45,135 --> 01:35:47,429 ♪ That's called a montage ♪ 1660 01:35:47,429 --> 01:35:48,388 ♪ Montage ♪ 1661 01:35:48,388 --> 01:35:50,223 ♪ Girl, we want a montage ♪ 1662 01:35:50,223 --> 01:35:52,184 ♪ Montage ♪ 1663 01:35:52,184 --> 01:35:54,936 ♪ In anything, if you want to go ♪ 1664 01:35:54,936 --> 01:35:57,898 ♪ From just a beginner to a pro ♪ 1665 01:35:57,898 --> 01:35:59,900 ♪ You need a montage ♪ 1666 01:35:59,900 --> 01:36:00,984 ♪ Montage ♪ 1667 01:36:00,984 --> 01:36:03,361 ♪ Even Rocky had a montage ♪ 1668 01:36:03,361 --> 01:36:05,322 ♪ Montage ♪ 1669 01:36:05,322 --> 01:36:09,868 ♪ Always fade out in a montage 1670 01:36:09,868 --> 01:36:11,036 ♪ Montage ♪ 1671 01:36:11,036 --> 01:36:12,954 ♪ If you fade out it seems like ♪ 1672 01:36:12,954 --> 01:36:14,080 ♪ More time has passed ♪ 1673 01:36:14,080 --> 01:36:16,208 ♪ I was sent from planet Gyron ♪ 1674 01:36:16,208 --> 01:36:18,168 ♪ To conquer the Earth ♪ 1675 01:36:18,168 --> 01:36:20,003 ♪ I had a terrific plan ♪ 1676 01:36:20,003 --> 01:36:21,671 ♪ I thought it would work ♪ 1677 01:36:21,671 --> 01:36:23,131 ♪ Tried to get the earthlings ♪ 1678 01:36:23,131 --> 01:36:25,509 ♪ All to kill each other, you see ♪ 1679 01:36:25,509 --> 01:36:26,968 ♪ But it all went wrong ♪ 1680 01:36:26,968 --> 01:36:30,138 ♪ And now I must decree ♪ 1681 01:36:30,138 --> 01:36:32,557 ♪ You are worthless, Alec Baldwin ♪ 1682 01:36:32,557 --> 01:36:34,643 ♪ You are worthless, Alec Baldwin ♪ 1683 01:36:34,643 --> 01:36:36,019 ♪ You failed in every way ♪ 1684 01:36:36,019 --> 01:36:38,605 ♪ And now my stock in you has fallen ♪ 1685 01:36:38,605 --> 01:36:42,275 ♪ Your career has stallen and you're worthless, Alec Baldwin ♪ 1686 01:36:42,275 --> 01:36:43,985 ♪ That's why I brew your head off ♪ 1687 01:36:43,985 --> 01:36:47,989 ♪ And your children are all bawling ♪ 1688 01:36:47,989 --> 01:36:49,991 ♪ Planet Gyron is inhabited ♪ 1689 01:36:49,991 --> 01:36:52,202 ♪ With Zypods like me ♪ 1690 01:36:52,202 --> 01:36:53,954 ♪ But also with Barmacks ♪ 1691 01:36:53,954 --> 01:36:56,331 ♪ Who are giant bees ♪ 1692 01:36:56,331 --> 01:36:57,749 ♪ The Zypods and the Barmacks ♪ 1693 01:36:57,749 --> 01:37:00,043 ♪ Are at constant war ♪ 1694 01:37:00,043 --> 01:37:01,461 ♪ So we wanted a new home ♪ 1695 01:37:01,461 --> 01:37:05,131 ♪ And that's what Earth was for ♪ 1696 01:37:05,131 --> 01:37:07,759 ♪ But you are worthless, Alec Baldwin ♪ 1697 01:37:07,759 --> 01:37:09,803 ♪ You are worthless, Alec Baldwin ♪ 1698 01:37:09,803 --> 01:37:11,471 ♪ You fucked up my whole plan ♪ 1699 01:37:11,471 --> 01:37:13,014 ♪ And now Gyron is smeared ♪ 1700 01:37:13,014 --> 01:37:14,641 ♪ With Barmack pollen ♪ 1701 01:37:14,641 --> 01:37:16,184 ♪ Your garbage needs some hauling ♪ 1702 01:37:16,184 --> 01:37:18,603 ♪ And you're worthless, Alec Baldwin ♪ 1703 01:37:18,603 --> 01:37:21,857 ♪ Now I must return home a failure ♪ 1704 01:37:21,857 --> 01:37:25,318 ♪ I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock ♪ 1705 01:37:25,318 --> 01:37:27,696 ♪ Is calling ♪ 119472