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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,240 ♪ And then she smiles 2 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,319 ♪ And my heart starts beating 3 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,960 ♪ I go weak inside. ♪ 4 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,879 ♪ I had a dream so big and loud 5 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,279 ♪ I jumped so high I touched the clouds... ♪ 6 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,240 ALARM CLOCK RINGS 7 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,479 ♪ I stretched my hands out to the sky 8 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,959 ♪ We danced with monsters through the night 9 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,599 ♪ Whoa oh oh-oh oh oh-oh 10 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:04,959 ♪ I'm never gonna look back... ♪ 11 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,600 Tess! 12 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,760 ♪ Please don't wake me now 13 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:20,359 ♪ This is going to be the best day of my life 14 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,240 ♪ My life 15 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,959 ♪ This is going to be the best day of my life 16 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,680 ♪ My life. ♪ 17 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,799 Morning! 18 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:39,840 Hiya! 19 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,160 - Have a lovely day! - And you. 20 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,199 First floor flat, two bedroom. 21 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:55,359 Separate bathroom and toilet. 22 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:56,679 No garden 23 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,599 but there's a balconette. 24 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,039 What's a balconette? 25 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,239 It's a shite balcony. 26 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:02,280 Hey! 27 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,239 The rest of it looks nice, though. 28 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:09,199 Yeah, but they want a two-month - deposit! - Oh, bollocks. 29 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,919 Hey... 30 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:14,079 We'll have to be patient, that's all. Save up a bit. 31 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,199 Where to are the bowls? 32 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,600 Ask Michael. He's been de-cluttering. 33 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,679 Where's breakfast? 34 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,799 I literally have no idea. 35 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,879 Luke, will you take us driving later? 36 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,639 Not today, bud, I got work. 37 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,079 I'll never pass at this rate. 38 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:32,879 Well, you know what you want to do, Ben? 39 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,319 Go on one of them courses where you pass your test in a week? 40 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:39,519 No. Go up Pontyberry College and register for sixth form. 41 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,599 Nuh-nuh-nuh! 42 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,760 To be continued. 43 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,879 All right, Rain Man? I thought you'd already gone. 44 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,959 I'm trying to, but first I want my breakfast. 45 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,479 Which, by the way, is the most important meal of the day. 46 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,999 Is that your medical opinion? But I can't have my breakfast 47 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,519 because someone has moved the spoons. 48 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,600 Just trying to bring some order to - your chaos. - My chaos?! 49 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,239 How is your office? 50 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,479 Yeah, it's OK. I don't like to moan, unlike some people. 51 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,639 Hey, play nicely. It's my first day. 52 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,559 - Of your second year. - Well, I'm still allowed to be nervous. 53 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,319 Come on, what's the worst that can happen? You accidentally kill 54 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,519 a patient, there's a trial, it's all over the papers 55 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,959 and people start yelling "Murderer" at you in the street. 56 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,599 The spoons, Michael! 57 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,639 Kitchen cupboard, bottom left. 58 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:30,999 Thank you. 59 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,119 Stell? 60 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,199 You're smart, you're hardworking and you're great with people. 61 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,119 You'll be fine. 62 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:40,600 But if you do get sacked, make sure you keep the uniform. 63 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,159 There she is, 64 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,999 getting into her car, as bold as a builder. 65 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,639 Morning, Auntie Brenda. 66 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,759 Oh, there'll be no "Morning, Auntie Brendas". 67 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,679 Not till you've explained the meaning of that. 68 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,199 Michael has found a buyer for his house. 69 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,439 I can read good, girl, I want details. 70 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,840 Oh, I'm late as it is, I got no time for that. 71 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,599 Fine. He got an offer last week. 72 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,879 It was less than what he wanted but the buyer said he could move quick 73 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,559 so Michael have accepted and they're exchanging and completing on Friday. 74 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,279 - Happy now? - Not remotely. I haven't met them yet. 75 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,079 Well, neither have I. Does it matter? 76 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,399 They could be anyone! Swingers. Doggers. 77 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:23,639 Nazi war criminals. 78 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,759 What would that do to house prices? 79 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,639 I got to go, I'll see you later. 80 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:31,319 Well, I'm willing to overlook your slap-dash approach to the property 81 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,719 market if you'll do me a favour 82 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,159 and put these up round the hospital. 83 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,719 "Room to let. Non-smoker, 84 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,319 "no vegans or fancy types." 85 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,359 You getting a lodger? 86 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,919 When times are hard, you've got to diversify. 87 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:47,560 Deborah Meaden taught me that. 88 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:55,799 Le Cafe De Les Alans. 89 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,879 It's... Definitely distinctive. 90 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,479 Exactly. No-one's ever called a cafe that. 91 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:01,559 I looked it up on Google. 92 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,119 Aye. 93 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:04,679 This is a new start, love. 94 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,919 Another chapter in the book called "Things Done By Alan 95 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,879 "And Little Alan." 96 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,839 That's not a real book, mind, just being poetic. 97 00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,079 Hey, big day for you, too. 98 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,399 Yeah. 99 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,440 Wish me luck. 100 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,159 Hey, Stell, you coming tomorrow night? Big opening? 101 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,199 I wouldn't miss it for the world, presh. 102 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,719 I've dry-cleaned my posh frock. 103 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,879 Right. Ready, Nurse Brackstone? 104 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,120 Ready as I'll ever be. 105 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,000 - See you later. - Ta-ra! 106 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,079 All right, innit, Dad? 107 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,599 Yes, Chef. 108 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,919 Do you know what they say, Little Al? 109 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,399 As one door closes... 110 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:48,520 another one opens. 111 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:53,519 Do you want me to open it again? 112 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,920 Nah, the moment's gone. 113 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,919 See this? 114 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,879 This is what you know about nursing. 115 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,599 You might think you know this... 116 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,480 But you don't. You know this. 117 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,239 Now... This year's going to be tough. 118 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,039 You're going to be on your own a lot more without me 119 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:22,079 there to hold your hands and wipe your bums. 120 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,839 Some of you... 121 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,759 will not cope. 122 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,200 Others, we'll have to wait and see. 123 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,439 Celia, is it? 124 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:35,919 - Yes. - Celia's returning back into nursing after, how long is it now? 125 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,919 Oh, I did a few years... Speak up. 126 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:39,279 I did a few years of... Speak up! 127 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:41,799 I did a few years of training but I had to stop in 2009. 128 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,159 Going to help me whip this lot into shape, are you? 129 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,199 I'm sure you don't need any help. 130 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:47,999 'Course I don't need no help! 131 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,199 2009 is in the Dark Ages! 132 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,119 Nursing's moved on so much since then, you probably know less 133 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,160 than they do! 134 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,119 That said... 135 00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,160 welcome back. 136 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,960 Right, follow me. 137 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,559 These are your placements for the next term 138 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,199 so listen up, cos I will say this only once. 139 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,999 You three, A & E. 140 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,839 Grace Edmonds and Ranjit Singh, Orthopaedic Ward. 141 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,519 Rory Williams and Helena Evans, Obs and Gynae. 142 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,199 Jenny Amir and James Grayson, Geriatrics. 143 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,799 And remember, just cos they're old, don't mean they're nice. 144 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,079 Er... What about us? 145 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,880 General ward. With me. 146 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,079 Right, before we start, 147 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,679 I just want to say this is very much a temporary situation. 148 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,879 I'll be able to move into a proper office when my house is sold. 149 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:43,959 To the swingers? 150 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:44,999 What? 151 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,119 Auntie Brenda said you're selling your place to a pair of swingers. 152 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:49,239 No. 153 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,679 No, Marge, it was doggers. 154 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,679 Doggers, sorry. 155 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,239 Firstly, they're neither. 156 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,559 Secondly, if I can just finish off what I was saying... 157 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,079 'Anyone home?' 158 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,039 I know the room seems a bit poky but I have 159 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,879 20 years' experience as a solicitor and I can assure you 160 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,359 that you will still get a top-quality legal service. 161 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,559 DOG BARKING So, how can I help? 162 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:12,559 We'd like to make our last will and testament. 163 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,439 LOUD DANCE MUSIC IN THE ROOM ABOVE 164 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:16,879 'Ben!'Sorry about this. 165 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,999 - 'What? - Sophie's sleeping, turn it down!' 166 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,839 All right, so, who would be the main beneficiary of your... 167 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:24,999 BABY CRYING 168 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,400 She'll stop in a second. 169 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,679 Who would be the main beneficiary of your will? 170 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,200 Our little boy. 171 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,639 Right, you've got Mrs Kidney Failure. 172 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,359 And you've got Mr Diabetes and Anaemia. 173 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:50,520 Now, get to it. 174 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:53,760 Morris! Brackstone! 175 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,839 See him, by there? 176 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:01,159 That is God Almighty. Mr Honey. 177 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,599 He rules this ward with a rod of iron, 178 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,119 held with a fist of surgical steel. 179 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,519 You never, ever address him directly. 180 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,959 You speak to me and me alone. 181 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,040 Then I'll speak to him on your behalf. Caplum? 182 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,719 Er, Mr... Chesney? 183 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,039 Is that how you say it? 184 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,839 Shenz-nay. Shenz-nay. 185 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,079 I need to take a blood sample, presh. 186 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,799 Hold your arm out nice and straight for me. 187 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,159 I, I... I'm not... 188 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,799 I don't want to... 189 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,839 Don't worry, I'll be quick. 190 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:37,880 Hopefully. 191 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:40,720 And who do we have here? 192 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,279 Stella Morris. 193 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,319 The patient? 194 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,760 Apologies, Mr Honey. This is, erm... 195 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,479 ...Mr Jersey. Presented with symptoms of fainting and nausea. 196 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,080 So, you're doing an FBC and blood glucose, yes? 197 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,160 Yes, that is correct. 198 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,920 Have you got a squint or something? 199 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:06,999 No, I was just... 200 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,479 addressing Sister. 201 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,000 Well, go on, then, hurry up. 202 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,479 I'm not... Don't... 203 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,920 It won't hurt, I promise. 204 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,400 I'm not a patient. 205 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,200 I visit my brother! 206 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:25,520 Hi. 207 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,519 So, the grand opening is tomorrow night at 7.30. 208 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,839 Tomorrow... Night... 209 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,759 Seven... Thir... 210 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,359 Tee. 211 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,639 Now, the food is free but the bar is paid so... 212 00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,639 Food... 213 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,959 Free... 214 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,639 Bar... 215 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,519 Is... 216 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,279 P... A... I... 217 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,879 Do you have to write everything down? 218 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,519 Oh, I'm a stickler for detail, Al. 219 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,159 Karl says I'm like Sherlock Holmes, but without the hat. 220 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,079 Plus, I'm the sole breadwinner now he's back from Abu Dhabi. 221 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,199 I want to dazzle you! 222 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,479 I got loads of ideas, too. Like balloons. 223 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:20,999 When we opened Tantastic Bodies 224 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,319 we had hundreds of them in every colour. 225 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,359 Blue, red, 226 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,679 green, orange... 227 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,679 Look at this blender, Dad! 228 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:31,879 Titanium-coated. Top of the range. 229 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:33,119 Only £600. 230 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,079 ...mauve, which is a bit like purple, I admit, but it's still stunning. 231 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,199 Who's that? 232 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,159 The burglar alarm bloke. Security is paramount. 233 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,439 I learnt that on my course. 234 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,239 Come off it, man, this is Pontyberry. 235 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,479 Who's going to break in? 236 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:45,879 If you rob anyone in Abu Dhabi, 237 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,799 Karl said they'd take no prisoners. 238 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,719 Literally. Cut your hand off. 239 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,319 Or maybe it's your foot. 240 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,479 - Coming through! - Either way, they don't reoffend. 241 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,800 How much did you spend? 242 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,759 Really? Two grand?! 243 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,519 Sorry, this is all going to have to go back. Pick that up! 244 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,839 That means you as well, bud. You, down. Down! 245 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,039 Out! Out! 246 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,039 Dad, I need these things! 247 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,279 You should go to the covered market in Neath. 248 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,199 They've got everything there, dirt cheap. 249 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,240 I am not kitting out my kitchen from no poxy covered market in Neath! 250 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,840 Gordon Ramsay doesn't go to Neath! 251 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,200 He's a chef. 252 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:26,680 Temperamental, like. 253 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:31,359 Whereabouts in Neath? 254 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,960 Dai Davies, it's 9.30. Where are you? 255 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,519 Shaming, it is. Shaming. 256 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,879 - What is? - Here I am, taking in lodgers to make ends meet 257 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,759 and Dai Davies can't be bothered to turn up to work. 258 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,919 Or to clean up after himself. 259 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,119 Who does he think he is, Bono? 260 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,919 Have you seen him today? 261 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:52,959 Bono? 262 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,719 You are not so old I can't put you across my knee, Luke Morgan. 263 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:00,559 Dai Davies, of course. The work-shy little squirrel. 264 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,240 No, I haven't seen him. 265 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,479 All right, Nurse Dracula? 266 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,399 Oh, God, that's not what people are calling me, is it? 267 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,199 No, just me. 268 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,599 I can't be the first person to take blood from the wrong patient. 269 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,679 You must've heard of someone doing it before. 270 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:21,840 Yeah. If you like. 271 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:25,120 See you at this, will I, ladies? 272 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,399 Self Defence and Tae Kwon Do? 273 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,759 Nurses have always had to be handy with their fists. 274 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,039 Florence Nightingale boxed for Oxford. 275 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,039 Is it part of the course? 276 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,039 Earth calling 2009! 277 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:41,039 No. It's not officially part of the course. 278 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,959 If you don't want to come, that's up to you, but up here... 279 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,239 I make a note of everyone who turns up. 280 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,320 And everyone who can't be bothered. 281 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,559 All I'm saying is if we did a rota then you and Luke 282 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,679 and Mam could take it in turns to take me driving. 283 00:13:58,680 --> 00:13:59,959 Can we talk about this later? 284 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,319 I'll never pass at this rate! 285 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,719 Ben, I've got clients to see. 286 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,119 Course you're bastard hungry, 287 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,399 you dropped your cockin' Monster Munch, didn't you? 288 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,039 Bloody kids, eh? Can you fit me in? 289 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,559 I want to talk about my niece, see. 290 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:11,999 She's been shafted by her boss. 291 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,399 Michael, quick question. Is it illegal to pretend to be a dentist? 292 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,519 Why would you ask that? 293 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,319 No reason, but if it is, I might be in a whole world of shite. 294 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,279 Right, do either of you have an appointment? 295 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,119 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER 296 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,639 Look, one at a time, please. 297 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:25,680 Can you just... 298 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:27,840 QUIET! 299 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:30,959 Thank you. 300 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,279 DOORBELL RINGS 301 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,040 I am trying to run a professional business here. 302 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,239 I've brung his documents round. 303 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:45,000 Birth certificate, injection details, hobbies, the lot. 304 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,679 Resorting to physical force should only ever be 305 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,959 resorted to as a last resort. 306 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,999 If you carry yourself in the right way, 307 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,519 then an act of aggression like this... 308 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,399 will be completely unnecessary. 309 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,639 The best way to avoid physical violence is to be 310 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,919 aware of your surroundings and be prepared to react in a heartbeat. 311 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,839 Take Mrs Wong, by here. 312 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,199 She do have the reaction speed of a Mandarin cat 313 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,319 so she's always ready for anything that life do throw at her. 314 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,280 Whoa! Whoa! All right, calm down now, love. 315 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,479 Panic over, I got everything we need and at half the price. 316 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:25,559 Where from? 317 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,519 Is that really important? 318 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,759 And does it matter where or when or how? 319 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,599 You've been to Neath, haven't you? I have. 320 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,599 But don't worry, this is all quality stuff. 321 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,239 I got you this whisk thingy... that's left-handed! 322 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,280 I'm right-handed. 323 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:40,959 I got you pots and pans 324 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,919 and your scales and... Hey, look... 325 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,559 I got this gizmo for me. 326 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,439 Dad, you don't smoke. 327 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,799 I know but, you know, it goes with the French thing, doesn't it? 328 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,839 I'm not going to puff on it, I'm just going to hold it. 329 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,719 Sophisticated, like, eh? 330 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,280 PHONE RINGS 331 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,719 All right, love? 332 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,679 Just checking you and Little Alan haven't killed each other yet. 333 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,439 No! We're getting on great guns. 334 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,160 We're the A-Team, aren't we, son? 335 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,279 So, how's you, Nurse Brackie? 336 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:12,679 Fine, I think... 337 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,559 Just survived an encounter with Bruce Lee. 338 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:16,639 You what? 339 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,879 'Oh, nothing, I'll tell you later. 340 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,319 'Just as long as you're OK?' 341 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:22,839 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Couldn't be - better. - Dad? 342 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,039 Got to go, Gordon Ramsay needs me. 343 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,679 Bye-bye. 344 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,159 Where's the herbs? 345 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:29,359 Right here, man. 346 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,439 I got you sage and sorrel... 347 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:33,879 Whatever that is. 348 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,879 I've loads of pepper and look... 349 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,199 Big bag of salt. 350 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,479 I tell you, it's like Aladdin's cave in that market. 351 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:43,079 I've even got us a burglar alarm, eh? 352 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,919 That's a blender, there. 353 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,799 What are these symbols on the side? 354 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,519 Ah, now. That's Chinese, that is. 355 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,239 They make everything these days. 356 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,279 But don't worry, I've gone through the manual. 357 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,079 Now, this squiggly line that looks like a hat stand, 358 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,399 that's your "On" button. 359 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,599 And the one that looks like an angry waiter, that's your "Off". 360 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,199 Which is which? 361 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,399 Angry waiter. 362 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,440 Hat stand. 363 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,920 BLENDER WORKS THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY 364 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,200 Don't worry, I'll get it working now. 365 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,280 Ta-ra. 366 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,639 - Go on, then, test us. - What's this? 367 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,599 The theory questions for the driving test. Jenson Button over here 368 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,079 thinks she knows more than I do. 369 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:42,839 I don't think, I know. 370 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,559 Put that away, Luke, I'm serving up. 371 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,279 Ben, will you give Michael a shout? 372 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,879 Michael! 373 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,519 That's not quite what I meant. 374 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:54,599 Five messages I've left for that Dai Davies and he's still not replied. 375 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,879 Disappeared off the face of the earth, he have. 376 00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:00,239 Like Shergar in a Pringle sweater. 377 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,759 This is nice, isn't it? 378 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:05,119 Proper family dinner, like the old days. 379 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,199 Ben, we're eating. 380 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,039 Mam, can I have dinner in my bedroom - with my laptop? - No! 381 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:13,679 Hey, don't leave him alone with the internet, he'd go blind. 382 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,959 Wouldn't be able to read the number plates then. 383 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,879 Oh, Mam, tell 'em! 384 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,519 Aww, are we ganging up on little Benny boy? 385 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:21,759 Get off! 386 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,439 I wouldn't let you anywhere near my car anyway. 387 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,840 I'm a way better driver than you. There's some veg there. 388 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,439 KNOCK ON DOOR 389 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,119 Dinner's on the table. 390 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,599 Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be down now in a minute. 391 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,840 Do you want me to bring you a plate - up? - Would you mind? 392 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,160 God, I love you. 393 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,319 Oh... This bloody room. 394 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:48,679 Not long now. 395 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,679 As soon as you sell next door you can get a big flash office 396 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,119 and a sexy secretary. 397 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,119 I don't know how flash an office I can get. I won't make much on the house. 398 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,960 And you know what they say, small acorns grow from... 399 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,439 ...fields of oak, or something. 400 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:03,480 You're so wise. 401 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,999 Look, I know it's not ideal at the moment, presh, 402 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,039 all of us under one roof, 403 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,479 but I quite like it. 404 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,079 It's like when the kids were little. 405 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:13,199 It's cosy. 406 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,400 Well, that's, er, one word for it. 407 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,040 I'm fine. 408 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,960 Anyway, I'd better get back to it. 409 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,159 'Dai Davies, it's me again.' 410 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,360 Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac 411 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:01,640 SAWING 412 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,599 You sure about this? 413 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,239 Course I am. WHIRRING 414 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,759 You need more room in there, right? 415 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,799 For your files and your legal whatnots. 416 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,679 And he definitely knows what he's doing? 417 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:13,959 Almost certainly. 418 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,439 WHIRRING STOPS, GROANING 419 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,599 Right, I got to run. 420 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,440 I'll get changed at the hospital and I'll meet you at the party. 421 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,559 Alan's cafe, the big opening. 422 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:23,840 WHIRRING 423 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,800 Try and have a little shave before tonight. 424 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,599 THUD 425 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,319 SHATTERING 426 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,240 Everything all right in there? 427 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,679 Your walls are like Caerphilly. 428 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,200 The cheese, not the town. 429 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,159 I'm going to need a bigger drill. 430 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:47,400 Can I use the room in the meantime? I really need to get on. 431 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,839 You remind me of myself, Mike. 432 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,999 A man of action. 433 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,039 You know, I was once lost in the jungles of Cambodia... 434 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,399 Is this going to be a long story? 435 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,440 Medium-to-long. Any chance it could wait? 436 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,840 Message received and understood. 437 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,039 Oh, great! 438 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,080 HE COUGHS 439 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:19,319 Fine, come on. 440 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,400 Yes! 441 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,200 Which one of these do you prefer, the swan or the chevron? 442 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:29,719 Impossible to choose, they're both stunning. 443 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:30,799 Aren't they, Al? 444 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:31,839 Hang on. 445 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,239 I'll ask Little Al. 446 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,679 Little Alan? 447 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,200 LOUD WHIRRING 448 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,199 Little Alan? 449 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,240 Little Alan! 450 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:46,039 Little Alan! 451 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,640 Alan! Alan! 452 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:49,800 Let me down. 453 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:51,880 Little Alan! 454 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,599 Go and see Nadine, will you? She's doing my head in. 455 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:57,640 GURGLING 456 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,599 So, it's working then, is it? 457 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,479 All this stuff. 458 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,559 Actually, it's pretty good. 459 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:07,919 Thanks, Dad. 460 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:09,919 I'm sorry. 461 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:11,120 Little Alan! 462 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,600 What do you think? Swan or chevron? 463 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,120 Unhealthy or... 464 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,520 ...really unhealthy? 465 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:33,919 Oh, sod it. 466 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:34,960 BEEPING 467 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,399 WHIRRING 468 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:39,440 Well, come on! 469 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,399 Aren't you a bit too old to be stealing sweets? 470 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,839 Ha! It's got stuck, it has. 471 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:02,519 If I can just reach... 472 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:06,519 up there. Oh flippin' 'eck, - I got cramp! Argh! - Relax your arm. 473 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:07,999 SHE PANTS 474 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,120 - I said, relax. - Oh, God. 475 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,359 Now... 476 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,159 PULL! 477 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,959 Arrgghhh, you bastard! 478 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,639 Sorry, not you, Mr Honey. The machine. 479 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:25,279 I would never call you a bastard despite what some people... 480 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,679 Not that anyone called you a bastard. PAGER RINGS 481 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,879 Well, not to your face, anyway. 482 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,239 - Oh, now I've upset you. - No... 483 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,760 I'm being paged. 484 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,480 You probably think I'm a total doughnut! 485 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,840 Cheers, Michael. You're a star. 486 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,560 TECHNO MUSIC BLARES FROM RADIO 487 00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:00,319 Keep your eyes on the road, OK? 488 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,599 Should I, er... go across the roundabout? 489 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:06,600 Er... round it preferably. But, yes keep going, as far as you like. 490 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,400 Nice one! 491 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:15,760 GRINDING 492 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:25,439 - On your break? - Yeah, though I spent most of it on my knees 493 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:29,239 - in front of Mr Honey. - Ooh... Going for a promotion? 494 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:34,279 No! The bloody vending machine had broken again. I'm starving. 495 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:37,439 Well, at least you'll be - hungry tonight. - Hmm. 496 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,639 How they all getting on up there? I'm not sure. 497 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:44,199 You know what Alan's like when he's under pressure, it's best just to leave him to it. 498 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,039 Yeah, Michael's the same. He's one big ball of stress at the moment. 499 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:52,399 Finding it a bit cosy, us all living - together. - It's not for long, is it? 500 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,319 Hmm. Thing is, I don't have a problem with it. 501 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,399 Won't be long before they all move out 502 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,720 and the house'll be full of empty rooms. 503 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,999 - Oh, God, am I being depressing? - Very. 504 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,720 Come on, I know what you need. 505 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:12,920 BEEPING 506 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:19,200 It's all a question of... 507 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,759 ...timing. 508 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:26,399 - Ha! You're a genius. - I know. 509 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,999 Where did you learn to do that, then? Misspent youth. 510 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,999 Not much else to do in Cockermouth. What else do you fancy? 511 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,240 Oh, I dunno. It's stealing, isn't it? Yeah, it is. 512 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,719 - Bag of Revels? - Right. 513 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:45,519 So, when everyone's here, we'll turn the house lights down 514 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,839 and then I'll do that thing with the glass to get their attention. 515 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,879 GLASS SMASHES 516 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:54,079 I'll clean that up in a minute. Then I'll say, 517 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:58,200 "Hello, good evening and welcome to..." 518 00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:03,119 Just a little joke to warm 'em up. 519 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:06,639 Then I'll do my speech... Dad, I've got food to cook! 520 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,199 When Karl do make speeches he always do make them rhyme. 521 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,919 No matter what the occasion. 522 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:14,799 At my nana's funeral, he even found a rhyme for chronic cystitis. 523 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,439 Gifted, he is. 524 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,800 OH, MY GOD! 525 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,760 No, no, no! This is not happening... 526 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:28,040 Whoa! 527 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:36,559 Stella Morris, you were required back on duty 93 seconds ago. 528 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:40,079 Mmm. Sorry, I got a bit, erm... caught up. 529 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,919 I won't have you taking advantage of my good nature 530 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,199 just because we'll be living on the same street. 531 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,519 Sorry, I'm not following you. Your Auntie Brenda needs a lodger. 532 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,759 - I'm moving in with her. - Oh. 533 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,479 I'm going to have to be twice as hard on you from now on, 534 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,720 just to show I'm not biased. It's only fair to the others. 535 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,159 EY-EY!I ain't being poked around no more, right? 536 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,719 If you could lie back down. I ain't lying, I ain't sitting, 537 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,279 I'm nothing else doing. - I'm going home. - What have we 'ere? 538 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,759 - He won't stay in bed. - Speak up! HE WON'T STAY IN BED. 539 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:12,919 Sir, I must ask you to return to your bed, 540 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:16,239 calmly, quietly and immediately. Piss off! 541 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:21,239 Very well. But I must warn you that I am trained in seven different martial arts 542 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,240 including Bok Fu, Kung Fu and... 543 00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:30,159 I'm not reacting. Let go of her, right now! 544 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:35,079 - Make me! - I'm keeping calm. Dewi Phillips, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing? 545 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,880 Who's asking, eh? Stella Morris, that's who. 546 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,399 All right, Mrs M?Never mind that, good boy. 547 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,720 I think you want to be apologising. Sorry. 548 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,480 And what are we going to do now? 549 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,879 Thanks. 550 00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:00,599 Is he a friend of yours? No. I used to babysit him. 551 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:04,679 - Soft as butter, really. - You ain't going to tell my mam, are you? 552 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:07,200 Well, that depends on you, doesn't it? 553 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:13,359 Thank you. Er... Nurse... Morris. Stella. 554 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,599 Stella's my first name, obviously. Because Morris... 555 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,119 That would make me a bloke. 556 00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:21,079 Wouldn't it? 557 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,839 When can we do an emergency stop? In a minute. 558 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:27,359 All I've been doing is driving up - and down! - Would you mind holding a second? 559 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:30,040 Will you go easy on the gears? I am! 560 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,999 Sorry, my assistant... Assistant? 561 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:37,759 ...is having a few issues with the, er... photocopier. 562 00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,479 But I can assure you that I will be just as... 563 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:41,799 TYRES SCREECH 564 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,360 What the hell are you doing?! 565 00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:55,599 Have you seen this man? 566 00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,879 Maybe you was cooking with the wrong temperature? 567 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:00,359 No, it's the ingredients, got to be. 568 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:04,279 This is quality stuff. I mean, look at the what-yer-call, the sorrel! 569 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:07,959 And this salt! 50% off. Bargain! 570 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:10,239 SHE GASPS 571 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:14,760 Bath salts?! I've been cooking with bath salts? 572 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,079 Maybe we could say it was deliberate. 573 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:20,959 Fancy food like, thingy... Heston Bloomingdale. 574 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,159 HE DOESN'T COOK WITH BATH SALTS! 575 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:27,119 He did goat's nostrils once. Just as disgusting, if you ask me. 576 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,999 I'll just have to start again and buy new ingredients. 577 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,799 We can't, son. We're totally broke. What?! 578 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:37,519 Look at all this stuff I bought! You think the bloke in the market give it me for nothing? 579 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,959 Well, you're going to have to get food from somewhere! 580 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,680 Wait... I may have a brilliant idea. 581 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:51,599 No, it's gone. 582 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,199 I know what we can do. 583 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:54,759 Boum by Charles Trenet 584 00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:58,399 We've had a nightmare at the cafe... We're supposed to open in, like, five minutes... 585 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,919 And there's been a problem with blue bubbles... Don't ask. 586 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,279 ...and the thing is we really need some food. 587 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:05,439 Edible glitter? 588 00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:10,039 Tinned figs. From a proper genuine Arab I knew in Dhabi. 589 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:13,159 Roadkill. I washed the grit off. 590 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:15,359 Mostly. 591 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,360 Carrots and straw. Two of your five a day. 592 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:21,759 Thanks. 593 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:23,559 ♪ Je n'entends que boum-boum 594 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:25,239 ♪ Ca fait toujours boum-boum 595 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:28,439 ♪ Boum b-r-r-r-oum boum.# 596 00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:31,079 I'm never going driving with you - again. - You got that right! 597 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:34,799 Why did you have to shout like that? - There was a lorry! - Shhhh. 598 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:39,359 - Bloody thing! Yanto! - Not long now, but. Just a few more holes. 599 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:40,999 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 600 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,399 LOUD TECHNO MUSIC BLARES 601 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:44,919 Hello? 602 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:46,359 HELLO? 603 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,239 BABY CRIES DRILL WHIRS 604 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,079 Sorry, sorry. I can't hear. 605 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:54,519 What? Well, why? 606 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:57,599 Oh, that's brilliant. That's just brilliant! 607 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,279 Yeah, of course I'm being sarcastic! What do you expect? 608 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:03,039 Look, I'll call you back later. What's happened? 609 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,599 That was the estate agent, the buyers have pulled out. 610 00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:08,879 Their survey found dry rot in the walls and it's going to cost a fortune to fix, 611 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,319 which means I can't sell the house until we do, but I can't afford to get it fixed 612 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:16,119 because I don't have any money, which is why I was selling the house in the first place! 613 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:19,399 Yes, I'm aware I'm ranting, Zoe, and I'm sorry! YANTO! 614 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,120 Aaargh! 615 00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:28,280 MUSIC AND DRILLING SUDDENLY STOP 616 00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:34,279 Told you them walls were shite. 617 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:36,320 BABY CRIES 618 00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:51,479 FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS 619 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:55,719 I 'eard they got fresh garlic bread. - Ooh... and a free bar. - I'm starving! 620 00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:58,839 Now remember, the food's free, but they pay for the drink, all right? 621 00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:01,479 You do know it says "Free Food and Drink" on the poster? 622 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:04,839 No, it says, "Free Food." Full stop. "And drink." It's very clear. 623 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,520 So, where to's the food, then? It's coming, it's coming. 624 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,600 Excuse me, on its way. 625 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:17,439 Alan! Alan, you're going to have to calm down or you'll start scratching. 626 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:21,879 - You know what you're like. - What the - hell's he doing in there?! - You can't rush a genius. 627 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:26,239 We can't keep them waiting much longer. You haven't seen Pontyberry folk when they're hungry. 628 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:28,759 It can get very ugly. 629 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:33,039 You pacing up and down isn't going to make it go any quicker. 630 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:36,879 Take this water to table ten. 631 00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:38,840 OK?All right. 632 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:43,639 - How's he doing? - Not good. 633 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:46,799 Have he started the scratching? Not yet, but he's going that way. 634 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:50,439 We are late, mind. Talking of which, where to's Michael? 635 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:52,399 He should be here by now. 636 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:56,679 Yanto, is Michael at home? Only he's not picking up the phone. 637 00:32:56,680 --> 00:33:00,000 My lips are sealed with wax like a mini Babybel. 638 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:07,119 I've left message after message telling him to call me, 639 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:10,999 but still not a peep! It've been two days now! 640 00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:15,359 - The cheeky, cocking bastard. - I mean, how much longer do I have to wait?! 641 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:17,600 I'm doing my best, all right?! 642 00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:24,239 I'm sorry, Little Al, but they're foaming at the mouth out here. 643 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,719 I heard one woman mention - a stampede! - Hold on. 644 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,080 - Ready? - I don't know. I just don't know. 645 00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:36,839 Braised rabbit casserole in a rich fig gravy, 646 00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:39,280 caramelised carrot puree and... 647 00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:42,959 - ...straw garnish. - Wow! 648 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:45,360 ♪ I'm Johnny Cash 649 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,519 Yee-ha! ♪ Hello... 650 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:50,199 ♪ I'm Johnny Cash 651 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:51,800 ♪ Hello, I'm Johnny Cash 652 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,559 Yee-ha! ♪ Yes, I am 653 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:57,559 ♪ Rollin' down the train tracks 654 00:33:57,560 --> 00:33:59,559 ♪ Oh, no, I ain't coming back 655 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,439 ♪ The man in me is the man in black 656 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:03,679 Yee-ha! 657 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:05,320 ♪ Rollin' down the train tracks... ♪ 658 00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:11,079 Ladies and Gents... 659 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,719 GLASS SMASHES 660 00:34:13,720 --> 00:34:15,479 Er... sorry for the delay. 661 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:19,119 As you know, we've had a little bit of trouble today, but, um... 662 00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:22,079 Sorry, can I just have a bit of hush, please? 663 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,199 Thank you. Thank you. 664 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:26,280 - Stell, the lights. - Ooh. 665 00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:31,159 Ooooh... 666 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:33,679 - Stell? - I think the fuse have gone. 667 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:35,760 OK. Hang on. 668 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:41,999 YEAH! There we go. Right, well... 669 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,919 First of all, I just want to say a big thank you for coming. 670 00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:47,719 It's lovely to see so many faces 'ere. And erm... 671 00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:49,559 SHRILL BEEPING 672 00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:53,199 I'm just really bloody proud, to be honest with you. 673 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:55,400 Oh, bless him. 674 00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:03,319 But... before you tuck into the food 675 00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:08,919 courtesy of Le Cafe De Les Alans, I'd like to say a few words. 676 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,279 Firstly... ALARM WAILS 677 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:12,839 Oh! 678 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:14,600 Oh, what's that? 679 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:19,519 Sorry about that. New alarm. Probably just resetting itself. 680 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:22,319 Chinese. Very high-end. 681 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:27,359 Er, now... where was I? Yes, I'd like to say a big thank you to everybody who donated food this evening, 682 00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:33,119 we couldn't have done it without you. And secondly, I'd like to say a thank you to my lovely... 683 00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:34,919 ALARM WAILS 684 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,959 IT'S THE MOTION SENSORS. 685 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:39,719 It's very sensitive. 686 00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:43,679 Top of the range. Chinese. If you can just stand still, please. 687 00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:46,279 I'm sure it'll go quiet and stop... 688 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:48,000 ALARM SUDDENLY STOPS 689 00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,159 Thank you. 690 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:57,559 Er, welcome one and all to what I'm sure will be a great evening 691 00:35:57,560 --> 00:36:00,599 at Le Cafe De Les Alans. 692 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:03,519 Eat, drink and be merry. But, most of all, drink. 693 00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:08,399 That'd really help the profits. So, er... cheers. 694 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,559 CHEERS! ALARM WAILS 695 00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:12,559 RIGHT, JUST STOP. Stay where you are. 696 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:14,400 Stand completely still! 697 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:19,039 ALARM STOPS 698 00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:22,719 Thank you. Now, please, nobody move while we re-set the alarm. 699 00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:24,639 Hello, I'm Johnny Cash by Johnny Cash 700 00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:26,920 Stay still. 701 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:30,159 The nerve of it! 702 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:32,119 ♪ No, you ain't Yes, I am 703 00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,119 ♪ What's your name? I'm Johnny Cash 704 00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,119 ♪ No, you ain't Yes, I am 705 00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:39,999 ♪ What's your name? I'm Johnny Cash. ♪ 706 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,959 Who wants champagne? 707 00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:43,759 HIGH PITCHED BEEPING 708 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:46,359 It's free. ALL TALK AT ONCE 709 00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:48,559 But this is still a paid bar! ALARM WAILS 710 00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:50,599 There's plenty more. 711 00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:54,600 Holland Road by Mumford & Sons 712 00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,159 ALARM WAILS 713 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:11,639 Oh, aye. Seen something similar in 'Nam. 714 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:14,319 - 'Nam? - Chippenham. 715 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:19,280 Did a course on disabling alarms and security systems. OK... 716 00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:30,479 Slowly... 717 00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:32,360 ALARM CONTINUES 718 00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:36,879 Come to Daddy. 719 00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:38,400 ALARM SUDDENLY STOPS 720 00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:40,959 Sorted. 721 00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:42,000 THUD 722 00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:45,120 Yeah, that can happen sometimes. 723 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:50,560 Auntie Brenda, how's it 'anging? 724 00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:55,319 You tell me, good boy. Not a hide or hair from you for days 725 00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:58,639 and then you waltz in like Lord Lucan with new teeth 726 00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:00,999 and a crate of champagne. I can explain... 727 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,799 As if things aren't bad enough in the current financial climate, 728 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:06,719 what with belt tightening and cutbacks and the internet. 729 00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:09,799 You owe me an apology, Dai Davies, - and no mistake. - I'm sorry. 730 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,479 Oh, it's way too late to say sorry! 731 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:15,479 Now, stop your what-yer-call-it, tell me where you've been. 732 00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:20,999 I've been collecting my winnings. Winnings? What winnings? 733 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,039 My premium bonds came in. 734 00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:25,440 I won a million quid! 735 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:29,599 SHE GASPS 736 00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:32,560 La Mer 737 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:38,759 ♪ La mer qu'on voit danser 738 00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:41,040 ♪ Ba-ba-ba-bom... ♪ 739 00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:45,039 HE SPEAKS UNINTELLIGIBLY 740 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,839 Yes, and so say all of us! 741 00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:50,599 Cheers! Thank you. 742 00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:55,719 And can I assure you that winning this money won't change me at all. 743 00:38:55,720 --> 00:38:58,400 - Lend us 50 quid, then! - No. 744 00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:03,039 The good Lord is looking down on Pontyberry today. 745 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:05,799 This money is exactly what we've always needed, 746 00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:08,159 a major investment of capital. 747 00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:10,479 Yes, this will really change things for me. 748 00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:16,559 New buses, new signs, an advertising campaign, just think we what we can do! 749 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,319 I'm planning to do quite a lot, yes. 750 00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:23,359 This is a game-changer for us. For me, yes. 751 00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:26,200 Congratulations, but! - Thank you. - Thank you. 752 00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:36,359 - Where've you been? - It's a secret. I kind of need to show you rather than tell you. 753 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,039 Why are you so filthy? 754 00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:42,879 Seriously, Michael. What've you been doing? I thought you were going to be here. 755 00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,919 Come home with me and I'll explain everything. 756 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:46,920 Come on, you are going to love this! 757 00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:54,400 - Just tell me. - Just be patient. We're here, now. 758 00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:03,359 Nearly there... 759 00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:05,159 No peeking! 760 00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:08,519 Three, two, one. 761 00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:10,520 SURPRISE. 762 00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,879 Oh, my God. 763 00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:19,399 - OK, just hear me out. - What have you - done? - The house fell through today. 764 00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:21,759 Yeah, I can see that. No, I mean the buyer pulled out. 765 00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:25,479 Turns out we've got dry rot in the walls and it's going to cost a - packet to fix. - Michael... 766 00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:29,159 I know nightmare, right? OR, is it in fact, the best thing that could've happened?! 767 00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:33,239 I mean, we've all been on top of each other recently and this is so obvious, it's brilliant. 768 00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:36,919 I thought why not make use of the - space we already have? - So, you did this on purpose?! 769 00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:40,560 Well, you said it was nice that we were all under one roof, so... it's your idea, really. 770 00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:46,079 Luke, Zoe and the kids can live at mine. I can have their room as an office. 771 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:49,159 Obviously, this hole needs cleaning up, but Yanto's back in the morning 772 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:51,920 and once it's done, it solves everything. 773 00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:56,159 Are you having a nervous breakdown? 774 00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,479 Plus, we can put the rent from Luke and Zoe 775 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:00,879 towards sorting out the dry rot. What rent?! 776 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:03,999 I'm not a charity, Stell! And once it's all done and we're back on our feet, 777 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:06,119 then I can look to sell again. But for now... 778 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:10,439 How can you sell this house with a great big bloody hole in the wall?! It's only temporary! 779 00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:13,199 Mind out. Eh, she's taking it better than I thought, but. 780 00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:15,519 You don't think this is a good idea, do you? 781 00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,599 Well, it's better for Sophie and Jack. 782 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:20,479 And let's face it, we were getting - under each other's feet. - Were we? 783 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:24,040 And I'm going to be paying rent. I'm not freeloading, I mean it. 784 00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:26,840 You see? 785 00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:32,199 CREAKING 786 00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:34,279 J'ai Deux Amours by Josephine Baker 787 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:38,039 - How did we do, Dad? - Not too bad, Little Al. Not too bad. 788 00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:42,199 First night's always tricky. - That's what they say. - Yeah. 789 00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:44,919 We might 'ave to be a bit more frugal from now on. 790 00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,119 Tighten belts, pull up socks, that sort of thing. 791 00:41:48,120 --> 00:41:52,080 The food was fantastic, Little Al. Everyone said so. 792 00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:59,719 Did we actually make any money? Yes and no. 793 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:02,199 Mainly, no. 794 00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:04,279 But we're a great team though, eh? 795 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:08,400 This place is going to take the town - by storm. - You really think so? Do you? 796 00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:12,960 - Definitely. - Me too. 797 00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:29,360 CHILD CHATTERS HAPPILY 798 00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:45,160 Everything all right? 799 00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:12,040 - There you go. - Perfect, thanks. 800 00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:15,919 Erm, how's it looking next door? 801 00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:20,639 OK, I admit you weren't a complete - idiot with the wall. - Oh, you're too kind! 802 00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:23,199 And we are all still living under one roof. Technically. 803 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:25,119 She's warming to it. 804 00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:28,399 I know it's going to make it easier for you, so... 805 00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:32,439 What I'm saying is, I can live with it for a while, like. 806 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:34,159 Well, thank you. 807 00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:37,400 I won't go on. You're probably charging me for your time. 808 00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:42,040 By the way, you don't half look sexy covered in dust. 809 00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:46,039 Eh, good boy. That's sexual harassment, that is. 810 00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:48,519 Maybe you should call a lawyer, then. 811 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:52,120 I will. I'm going to call the best lawyer in the west... 812 00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:55,680 ...of Wales. 813 00:44:00,240 --> 00:44:03,119 I don't want to get no-one in trouble. I shouldn't have come here. 814 00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:05,920 This sounds very much like sexual harassment... 815 00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:09,959 Hey, Mr Lawyer! 816 00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:12,159 Beyonce? 817 00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:15,279 This is your final warning. We've got so much in common. Aah! 818 00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:19,600 - Where've you been? - Sorry, must've lost track of time. I should've - called. - Yeah, you should. 819 00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:23,399 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 820 00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:25,880 accessibility@bskyb.com 62171

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