Original subtitles

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪ - ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪

♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Audience Applauding]

[Announcer] And now, Jay Leno!

[Squeaky Voice] Thank you. Thank you.

That's a great round of applause there. It gets me real excited.

Makes me so excited, my voice goes real high.

You know, tonight we have a really similar show for you...

but why don't we start out by introducing you...

to Branford Marsalis and the Tonight Show band.

[Audience Applauding]

Let's get right to the news.

Here's some of the headlines that are happening around our country.

People are sending them to us. First headline:

"Crazed Gunman Mows Down 15 in Post Office."

Aren't these people taking this Elvis stamp thing a little too seriously?

All right. Second headline says...

"Bank Robbed, Four Security Guards Killed."

And well worth the $3.35 an hour, I must say.

Anyway, let's get started.

My first guest is the first bald person...

to win a Grammy since Isaac Hayes.

Please welcome Sinéad O'Connor. Come on out here, Sinéad.

♪♪ [Band Playing]

All right, Sinéad.

Sinéad, let's rise for the singing of our national anthem.

Huh? Kiddin'ya! Okay.

It's good you can take a joke like that.

I guess it's good to see you again.

I guess the lesson for the young girls out here is...

that you should never use the drive-through window at Supercuts.

Oh, that's very funny, Mr. Leno. Make your jokes.

But I'm not a girl, you know. I'm a woman.

This is just the sort of sexist attitude I dealt with all my life...

even in my own homeland of Ireland where a grown woman is called a lassie.

Lassie, huh? You look more like a Mexican hairless to me...

Uncle Fester.

You know, make your little jokes, Mr. Leno...

but I'm not here on your show to promote my career.

This is capitalist business. That's what this is.

This is the prime minister of Norway.

Her country allows the killing of thousands of whales.

You know, I went whale watching once.

I heard the captain yell "There she blows..."

and I thought somebody had spotted Madonna.

[Audience Groans]

Now, what has this cute, little guy done to deplete whatever?

Nothing, but I just find him really irritating.

Well, I got one for you, Mrs. Clean.

Tear this one up.

No. Arsenio's a fine man, and very politically correct.

- You know, when we were dating, he'd often say to me... - Dating? Dating?

You were dating Arsenio Hall?

- Yes. What of it? - You have fallen from grace.

You are not longer invited on this show.

- You have slept with the anti-host. - [Audience Groans]

Can you imagine if she and Arsenio had a kid?

With her bald head and his triangle head...

he'd come out lookin' like a "yield" sign with a nose ring.

Like this.

That is it! I'm leavin'! Fight the real enemy!

Yeah? Why don't you go join a karate class?

See if they can snatch the pebble from your hand, huh?

Okay, we're gonna take a short commercial break here and be right back.

Hey, hold on. Hold on here. Wait a second.

What happened to Branford and the band?

Oh, snap. They had to run off early.

They had to do The Arsenio Hall Show.

Well, that's it. They're banned.

They're banned. The band is banned.

I don't care. I don't need 'em anyway.

I don't. As long as I still have my audience, right?

[Audience Makes Barking Sounds]

[Sighs]

Well, I say if you can't beat 'em...

you might as well get busy with some of that Dorito-eatin'...

controversy-duckin', motor cycle-ridin'...

producer-firin'Johnny Should've Stayed Funk, huh?

♪♪ [Drums]

Hi. I'm Cher... singer, actress, mother, model, slut...

and you're probably wondering what I'm doing hawking beauty products...

when everyone knows my face has seen more cuts than a Thanksgiving turkey.

Well, I've made goo-gobs of money doing this.

And I'm Lorie Daves.

And you're wondering how someone who looks like this...

could possibly have something to say about beauty.

You see, there were days when I didn't feel good about how I looked...

no matter how many young men I had around me.

But then I found out about the incredible beauty system of Lorie Daves...

and realized money was more important than grinding a boy scout.

[Laughing]

Lorie, I used your product for over a year...

before I realized that it wasn't your product at all.

It was merely being around you that made me look so great.

[Sighs] Exactly, Cher.

That's the secret of beauty, you see.

It isn't so much looking good yourself...

but rather sitting next to someone who can't help but make you look good...

[Together] By comparison.

Whoo! Whoo!

All of a sudden, I feel light as a feather and rich too.

And your hair even looks better.

[Cackling]

But, Lorie, what about all the millions of people that purchase your products...

that don't have the benefit of being next to you?

Well, that's what makes my system so special.

They can find an unattractive person of their own...

at D.M.V., Kmart, Weight Watchers...

or any of the Slavic countries.

Lorie, this is fun.

Now let's hear from another satisfied customer.

- This is my best friend, Chelsea. - Hi, Chelsea.

Chelsea, why did you agree to participate in this commercial?

Because your perfume's not selling...

and you said we had to do this.

Read the cue card, honey.

Oh. Because I wanted to feel better about myself...

and the Lorie Daves hair care system is the product that can help.

Having tried the products, how do you feel?

- Okay, I guess. - Now go sit by Lorie.

Wow! I feel great.

Is that me? I look beautiful.

- You sure do, Chelsea. - [Laughs]

See what my system can do for you?

And it can do that for anybody.

Janey, come over here.

Come on over here, Janey.

Ohhh, come to mommy.

[Gasps] It does work!

I'm gonna buy the Lorie Daves hair care system today.

[Cackling]

And, guys, you don't have to be left out either.

[Grunts] Hey, I feel beautiful.

And you can too.

[Announcer] The Lorie Daves Beauty System.

Because there's always someone uglier.

- You look good. - Because I don't.

[Cackling]

Hi. I'm George Hamilton.

Throughout my illustrious career...

I have been frequently complimented about my golden bronze pigment.

You see, with a little help from that hole in the ozone...

over the years my epidermal layer has gotten so thick and leathery...

that, quite frankly, it's as dead as my career.

That's why today I'm offering directly to you...

the George Hamilton Luggage Collection.

How do I know it's good? Because it's made out of my skin.

Let my loss of elasticity become your key to durability.

There's never a need to worry about those clumsy baggage handlers.

Uh-oh.

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

That feels good. ♪♪ [Singing]

Sigourney Weaver wears army boots, you fur ball!

[Grunting]

You think you can destroy what took me 50 years of loafing around the pool to build? Ha-ha!

Give it your best shot, primate!

Order now, and you'll get these matching rump hide belts.

The next time someone asks you if you know George Hamilton...

you can say, " Know him? I beat my kids with him!"

[Announcer] Order your collection now.

[Announcer] Live from the Lola Falana Recreation Center...

in beautiful downtown Detroit...

it's the first ever Black People's Awards.

Sponsored by Nappy Sheen, the makers of Super Comb...

with John Amos by phone, Jim Brown via hologram...

El Debarge via satellite, Kim Fields by fax machine...

Isaac Hayes/Sherman Hemsley look-alikes...

Mr. TitoJackson, Horace Silvers...

and special in-studio guest, Fast Eddie Griffith.

Now please welcome the host for this evening's affair...

"tabulous"Lamar Hightower!

Get pumped, y'all.

Hey, how y'all doin'?

- [Woman] We a'ight! - [Laughs]

Now, you know, everybody wanna take home the coveted Pookie.

But only the winners can win. I wish everybody can win. I do.

Give it up for the nominees.

Go on, girl. Go on up in there.

Look here. Let's get started.

Our first presenter is the multitalented performer and host of Funk Fever.

Y'all give it up for me, Lamar Hightower.

- ♪♪ [Funk] - Oh, stop it.

Now the awards.

The nominees in the "ca-tag-ory"...

for Best Black Sassy Next Door Neighbor...

is Joyce Frye!

Honey, the darker the meat, the sweeter the treat.

[Laughs]

[Lamar] Mae Brown.

Not with my man you won't! Uh-uh-uh-uh!

[Applause]

And Ms. Larry.

We-e-ell! It must be Tha-a-a-anksgiving...

because the turkey just walked in the door!

[Applause]

Ooh, now that was movin'! Give it up all the big-legged ladies.

I'm excited. How 'bout y'all?

Okay, the Pookie goes to... me.

Just kiddin'. The Pookie goes to Ms. Larry.

- [Screaming] - ♪♪ [Funk]

[Screaming] Oh, this is a long time comin'...

and I'm winnin' this for everybody here!

And I got to say that black people have got to stick together...

if we're gonna keep on makin' the success that we makin' in this business!

[Squeals] Now I'd like to thank the people who have helped my career.

Thank you, Bernie Schwartz, Cy Ribernitz...

Morton Alan Finklestein...

and most of all, Menachem Gold, thank you.

All right.

And now to present the award...

for the best scared brother on a "po-lice" show...

She's the voice of all the black people on The Simpsons...

and she's the black mom on the nationally televised...

Black Track laxative commercials.

You may also remember she just lost to Ms. Larry.

Please give it up for Mae Brown and Ms. Larry.

♪♪ [Funk]

Let's just do this.

The nominees for Best Scared Brother on a Police Show are...

John Winfield in Jake and the Fatman.

I tell ya anything ya need to know, man.

[Whimpering]

Just don't kill me, man.

[Applause]

[Ms. Larry] Frank Ford in Law and Order.

I told you, man. I'm clean.

Please don't kill me. I've got...

five kids, man.

[Applause]

[Mae] Daryl Simmons in Hunter.

[Screaming]

[Gasps, Screaming]

And the Pookie goes to...

Da-a-aryl Simmons!

♪♪ [Funk]

Uh, yes, thank you.

Naturally, this makes up for all of the studying I've done.

I mean, those four years at Harvard...

two years at Yale and my six years at Stratford.

I'd just like to say that it all paid off in that one role I played in Hunter...

the thug next to the water fountain.

I'd just like to say thank you.

All right. And now to present our next award...

put your hands together for two ofTV's hottest talents.

I know you're gonna love these brothers.

Please welcome LennyJohnson, star of Gimme Five...

and my man Louie Bradford, star of Slap Me Some Skin.

♪♪ [Funk]

Gimme five.

Slap me some skin, bro.

Just so everybody knows, Louie here is throwing a big party at his house...

and everybody's invited.

What you talkin' about, Lenny?

And the nominees for Best Black Actress are...

Whoopi Goldberg, Star Trek: The Next Generation.

[Applause]

Whoopi Goldberg, HBO Comic Relief.

[Applause]

Whoopi Goldberg, Sister Act.

[Applause]

And, uh, "Whoppy" Goldberg, "Sa-raf-ina!"

[Applause]

And the Pookie goes to... Whoopi Goldberg for Sister Act.

♪♪ [Funk]

Wow. Uh, this is such a big surprise.

I mean, uh, my competition was so tough.

You know, I can't believe this.

You know, I give myself a Jewish name, and you criticize me;

I marry a white guy, and you dog me;

I make a movie in South Africa, and you hate me;

now you're givin' me this award that's gettin' my hands all greasy.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Hold up. Whoopi. Hold up, baby.

That ain't all you win. In addition, you get the new Super Comb.

Try that on, girl. Come on up, everybody.

Come on. Let's have all the nominees back onstage. Go on, take it.

Come on. That's it for this evenin', ladies and gentlemen...

but now I want everybody to join in the theme song to the Black People's Awards.

♪♪ [Funk]

♪ The Black People's Awards ♪

♪ The Black, Black People's Awards ♪

♪ You win, I win, she wins, he wins ♪

♪ At the Black ♪

♪ People's Awards ♪♪

Good night, everybody. Good night.

♪ Black People's Awards Black People's Awards ♪

Tonight's special guest is new on the scene, and he's definitely hot.

His name is A.D.O.R., and he's straight off the Atlantic Records.

Here he is singing "Let It All Hang Out."

♪♪ [Singing Rap]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Song Ends]