Original subtitles

I still don't understand why you brought me here today.

Well, honey, you're older now and Mama thinks it's time to show you something very special.

- Ta-da! - Wow, look at all these names.

These must be the names of people who donated money to keep the park beautiful.

- Hmm, not exactly. - Then these must be the 1,000 points of light.

No, Missy. These 20,000 names are the women who've slept with Wilt Chamberlain.

You mean there's a monument to that?

Honey, that's just the tip of the iceberg. You see that name up there?

- Mom! - That's right. Me. Me! [Laughs]

Mom, that's great.

- Oh.! - You never cease to amaze me.

Well, honey, you know...

one of these days maybe you'll get lucky and you'll meet Wilt...

and then your name will be on the wall of fame.

Well, thanks all the same, but, uh...

I've already been there, homie.

You little rascal.

You don't have to tell me why them call him The Stilt.

[Both Laugh, Squeal]

Oh, girl. Oh, I guess my little girl's a full-grown skeezer.

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪ - ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪

♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Man] Christy Brown, the hero from My Left Foot, is back...

and he's notjust kickin'his handicap, he's kickin'some ass...

as Ireland's champion kickboxer in My Left Foot of Fury.

[Yells]

- 'Nother pint there, Christy? - Not tonight, Reg. I'm wheelin'.

- I said no! - Hey! Leave her alone.

Who's gonna make me?

- I am. - And who's gonna help ya, gimpy?

I am.

Van Damme, brass knuckles.

[Man] Reunited with his Belgian brother, Jean-Claude Van Damme...

he's putting his foot down where it counts.

Van Damme, nunchakus.

[Karate Yells]

[Yells Continue]

Anybody else want some? Huh? Huh?

[Yells, Grunts]

Van Damme.

Wheelbarrow. Wheelbarrow.

Damn it, I love a good fight.

[Man] Christy Brown, Jean-Claude Van Damme...

kicking into high gear in My Left Foot of Fury.

You don't know how to make no love.

Boy, I know how to make love to a woman.

I might be old. I may not be able to ride 'em like I used to...

but I can still fit the saddle. [Laughs]

- Hey, what's up? - Hey there.

How you doin', young man? That's a nice tie you got there.

Thank you. Hangin' in there, huh? How long the wait?

Well, see, it's two hours if you want to get with me...

but you can go right up in Mac's chair if you want to.

- That's okay. I'll come back later. - All right. That's a smart man.

Oh, no. Here he comes.

Move your feet, sucker!

Boy, you got ears? Move your damn feet.

- Hey, man. What's your problem? - What you say, sucker?

- I said, "What's your problem?" - Fine, and you?

You know he can't hear ya, don't ya?

He deaf as a swamp rat. Watch this.

- Mac, did you change your drawers yesterday? - What you say, sucker?

I said, did you change your stinky drawers yesterday?

No, thank you. You know I don't eat no chitlins.

See what I mean? He's just as deaf as he wanna be.

Why doesn't he get a hearing aid?

Oh, he can hear when he wanna hear.

If it's somethin' important for him, he can hear that. Watch this.

[Whispers] Now when Mac leaves, we gonna drink up all his bourbon.

Y'all better not touch my liquor, or somebody gonna get cut!

See, he can hear. You ain't gonna cut nobody up in here, man.

- See what I mean? - [Laughs]

Yo, what's up, money?

How you doin', son? I ain't got no money for ya, but I can cut your hair.

Hey, man. What's the wait like up in here? I need a cut bad.

You do need one. But check this out.

All these people here are waitin' on me...

but you can go first up in Mac's chair, if you want.

- Bet. I'll sit in Mac's chair. - [Laughs]

- You new here, ain't ya? - Yeah. How you know?

Just a lucky guess.

Poor thing.

- What you want, young man? - I just want a trim. Just trim it up...

- Take it all off? - Nah, I want a trim.

- East Coast or West Coast? - Nah, I just want a trim...

- You want a tail in the back? - I don't want no tail...

- You want initials right across the back? - No, man.

- You don't want your name across the back? - I just want a trim...

Point to the wall what you want, sucker.

Right there. The dude with the little ears.

One Globetrotter comin' up!

[Coughs]

[Clippers Buzzing]

- Hold s... - Ouch, man!

- What'd you say, sucker? - I said, "Ouch, man." That hurt.

- So you do want the tail in the back? - Yo. What did you...

- What... Let me see what you did to my hair. - Hold still, now.

- Let me see what you did to my hair. - Just calm down.

[Coughing]

Ouch, man!

- Ten dollars. - Yo, man. I ain't givin' you nothin'.

- You must be crazy, man. - Where's my tip, sucker?

Tip? I'll break the tip of my shoe off in your old crazy ass.

Come on, boy.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

My name is Benny, and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Benny. - Hello, Benny.

- [Woman] Welcome, Benny. - Whoo!

I am glad to say that I haven't had a drink of alcohol in six months.

- That's great. - Yeah!

Don't fret, mon toupee. Frenchie has arrivé and it is time to par-tay!

♪ I just wanna party sometime ♪

♪ Party sometime Party sometime ♪♪

- Come on, Benny. Do the funky penguin with me. - Get off...

Oh, no. Not again, Frenchie. How did you find me?

Oh, man. It wasn't easy, mon friend Grey Poupon.

I followed you out of that porno shop down there on Cahuenga...

and I knew you had to be goin' to a party...

else you wouldn't have bought that blow-up doll.

- Get your sharecroppin' hands off of me! - Excuse me.

Excuse me, but I'm afraid you have the wrong place. This is A.A.

Oh, that's a good thing, 'cause my car broke down about six blocks.

I think it might have been the battery...

but it sure was hard to drive with that boot on.

Know what I mean?

Not Triple "A". This is a meeting for Alcoholics Anonymous.

What are you talkin' about? You're not anonymous.

There's Richie, there's Benny, Janice... Hi, Janice.

Get out of here! Get out of here, Frenchie!

No, wait a minute. I am the group leader. Sit down!

Now, everybody is welcome to stay, and anybody with an outfit on like that...

is in dire need of assistance.

Hey, any woman with a wig got nerve talkin' about my outfit.

Got some nerve, there.

- Now, who's next? - Jenny, you go next.

Go, Jenny.

Hi, um... Well... [Clears Throat]

I remember when I knew I had hit rock bottom.

I left work and went straight to a bar. [Clears Throat]

And the next thing I knew, I was in a...

a Gremlin with some...

some greasy-looking guy I had never seen...

and I had my... dress up over my head...

and I don't even know where my wedding ring is. [Sobs]

Well, I'll beJean Natéed. That was you?

Well, baby, I pawned your wedding ring, but I brought your drawers back.

Here you go, baby.

Oh, I know.

- This is what can happen from alcohol! - Oh, that wasn't alcohol, baby.

♪ That was a just a love machine ♪

♪ And he won't work it for nobody but you ♪

Sir, I don't think you understand.

- We are alcoholics. - Uh-huh?

I was once up to two bottles ofJ&B a day.

I don't know how long I can stay dry.

Hey, man, that ain't nothin'. I was up to three and a half bottles ofT.C.B. Light a day.

I switched over to Afro Sheen, and I'm never dry.

[Screams]

Buddy, you just don't get it.

I drank myself out of a job, a marriage and a home.

Hey, man. Don't feel bad. My mama told me when I was six, I drank out the toilet.

- Look, look. Frenchie. Frenchie. - Uh-huh?

- Perhaps you can help us with our role-playing. - All right.

- Um, Janice. Janice. Janice! - Janice.

- Janice. - Come on, Janice.

- Okay. - Oh, you are somethin' else.

Now, Janice, Frenchie is alcohol.

- Now explain to him the way you feel. - [Sighs, Clears Throat]

All right. I admit it. I'm addicted to you...

- Oh. - To your smell, the way you intoxicate me.

The thought that I can't go a single day without you just gives me the shakes.

Well, baby, if all that happens just lookin' at me...

wait till I slip you some tongue.

- Come here! - [Screams]

- Hey, hey! - I can't do this.

Why don't you just tell us how alcohol has affected your life?

What you talkin' 'bout, man? I don't need no alcohol to get no women.

All I need is a RickJames eight track, bottle of musk oil and $22.

Man, what can a girl get for $22?

Nothin', but I can get the boot off my car. What do you think?

You know somethin'? If this guy can get women without drinkin', there's hope for us all.

- You gonna listen to... - Hey, man. That sound like a party to me.

Come on, y'all. Kick it off on four. One, two, three, four.

♪ I just wanna party all the time ♪

♪ Party all the time Party ♪♪

- Come on, girl. Move your legs. - Whoo-hoo!

[Man] Are you tired of that same old bald head?

Tired of washing it, shining it, but you still come up with the same old look?

Well, now there's Skully Conditioning Head Cream.

Try Skully. Used like shampoo, Skully breaks down your scalp...

to make your skull soft and manageable.

Create your own styles, like the non-hairy, non-dairy Mister Softee.

Or the Flesh Fade.

- Get Skully. You'll turn heads. - [No Audible Dialogue]

Thanks, Skully.

[Man] Skully. Who thought your head could have so much body?

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Gunshots]

♪♪ [Ends]

♪♪ [Women Singing]

[Man] Public Access Channel 96 presents Men On Film.

♪♪ [Ends]

- Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards. - And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[Together] And welcome to Men On Films.

Tonight, we have a brand-new sponsor.

Ballpark Franks. They plump when you heat 'em.

- I'll bet they do. - [Chuckles]

They almost can't fit into the bun.

This week, we're going to answer some of our critics...

who say we can criticize films but we don't know how to actually make cinema.

The truth is, we've been making a lot of films over the years.

Mm-hmm. But tonight, we're gonna focus on our feature films.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy this:

The first Men on Film festival.

This show is all about us. ♪ It's my turn ♪♪

We begin with a Western picture called The Magnifent Nine.

This wonderful flick starred Blayne in the title role...

and I have to say, Blayne, you just exploded onto screen.

Kudos.!

Let's take a look at an exciting scene from The Magnifent Nine.

♪♪ [Piano]

♪♪ [Piano Continues]

Supposed to wear it to the side.

Bartender, I want something stiff to drink.

Jack Daniels?

He look anything like you?

[Humming]

Say, I'm lookin' for Butch.

- ♪♪ [Piano Stops] - I'm Butch. Who's lookin' for me?

Well, if it isn't Johnny Ringo.

That's a mighty big piece of steel you got strapped to your leg.

This town's not big enough for both of us, Ringo.

I'm ridin' you all the way back to Frisco.

Go ahead. Make my day.

- Come to Mama, girl. - [Squeals]

Butch, I miss you so much. I ain't seen you since the barn dance.

What happened to you? You left your spurs over my house.

How did you get out of the handcuffs, girl?

Hated it.

'Toine, do I see the little green-eyed monster peekin' out?

Just a little bit.

Everyone knows the real reason why you got that part.

It was the time you spent on that casting couch.

Excuse me, Miss Thing, but both of us spent time on that couch.

So's anyway, our next film is a thrilling adventure starring...

this thing over here...

set in the dark, dank, moist confines of a World War II submarine.

- It's called Deep Sea Men. - Oh, hush.

Dismissed, sailor.

♪♪ [Whistling]

Uh, Captain, I'm all finished in the boiler room.

Request permission to put my shirt back on.

Permission denied, sailor. Oh, by the way, those smudges look fabulous.

Go put on those little shorts I like so much. Go on.

Captain, enemy ships at 6:00 and 9:00.

Oh. 'Scuse me.

Fire torpedoes!

Torpedoes are jammed in the tubes, sir. We can't get 'em to move.

Oh, phooey!

Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to guide this one in myself, men.

I'm going down in the hole.

'Scuse me.

Here I come, you Nazi bastards. Whee!

- Yeah. - That was fabulous.

- You were good. - Thank you.

But you wasn't me. So...

- You just determined to work my last good nerve, ain't you? - Yes, I am.

I have just three words to describe my performance. Won-der-ful, and I'm through.

You know, I was disappointed...

when my film was not released with its original title, Das Booty.

Oh, well. That brings us to our most recent...

and I must say our most successful colaboración...

the boxing classic, Kid Fist.

- I think he likes me. - Hey, let go of me, muchacho.

- [Man] Come on. - Go, Fist, go. Go!

Hold still. Boink!

- I hope that hurt, beast. - [Bell Rings]

- Yeah, Fist! - Thank you.

Hold the rope, girl. Ooh. Ah.

Aw, geez, he's good.

All that Latin blood just pulsing away in him. And he's cute.

- Maybe I should do a couple of rounds. - Come back here.

- Don't swallow. - I never do.

Oh, look at my eye. It's all puffy.

- I know. I could fix it with a little Vaseline. - Oh, I've heard that before.

- [Bell Rings] - Listen, if he hits you again, you tie him up.

Okay. I don't think he's into that.

Yoo-hoo, Pedro.

Let's give Kid Fist the new Men on Film patented festival flamenco snap.

Olé! [Chuckles]

Well, I think this should put to rest all that carping and caterwauling...

about who can and who cannot make movies around here.

Join us next week when we take a look...

at our new Christmas film, The Last Boy Scouts.

Mm-hmm. Zip up your sleeping bags, 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy night.

- I hope so. - Good night, everyone.

♪♪ [Women Singing]

♪♪ [Ends]

- [Indistinct] - Okay, that's my man.

Yo, my man Steve wants to say somethin'.

Once again, thanks for chillin' with us.

Catch us next Sunday at 8:00.

And my man Steve wanna say a little somethin' to y'all.

Yo, yo, yo, yo! What's up?

Chinatown in the house. Koreatown in the house.

Little Tokyo in the house.

What Steve really wants to say is, peace!

- Peace! - Peace!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]