All language subtitles for HARD.dmv.s01.e03

Uhp, sorry, Dwayne. (chuckles)

- Oh. Brad.
- Geez.

Excuse me.
Don't mean to draw attention.

- What do you mean? That's all you do.
- Mm.

I want to say
you're starting another

fake Internet health trend,
and so I will.

(Vic imitates buzzer sound)

- Wrong.
- BARB: Okay, people, let's settle.

Anyone ever heard
of water maxxing?

- I was right.
- VIC: Hmm?

- No?
- CECI: That's a lot of pink, Vic.

What? The-the blue,
the blue boy one costs more.

And I bet it works
half the time.

Am I right?

(laughs)

Water maxxing?
You mean, like, drinking water?

So, I've been following
Dr. Sean Dollop on the 'gram.

He's a pioneer

in the field of progressive
hydrostatic overload.

Turns out, we've been
drinking water wrong

the whole time.

And so, yeah.

- Colette, did you hear?
- Mm?

Noa and that super pretty
surfer girl are together.

Noa and Mary?
They're not together.

I don't know her name.
(chuckles)

- Yeah, Mary. You just said it.
- BARB: Uh, excuse me.

- I did not.
- Yeah, you did.

- They're totally banging.
- (scoffs)

- They're not banging.
- Mm-hmm.

You... you're banging.

BARB:
Excuse me!

I'm trying to listen. Be quiet.

BARB:
Come on, you guys!

I've been trying
to tamp down the horseplay

for the past ten minutes.

Now that I have
everyone's attention,

- I have some big news to share.
- COLETTE: Mm.

- I... am off my period.
- COLETTE: Ew.

- Oh, boy.
- (employees groan)

- Wow. - BARB: That's right.
- GREGG: What?

My probationary period is over,

and I'm officially
branch manager!

EMPLOYEES:
Oh...

- Yeah, yeah.
- Well done.

Now, we may be facing
a threat of a branch shutdown,

so I've been a little on edge.
Blame it on the period.

- (clicks tongue)
- Okay?

It's been a gnarly one.

(employees groaning)

Absolutely gruesome.

♪ ♪

The other benefit
of a reusable bottle:

It's great for the environment.

(Vic sputters)

I'm basically Captain Planet.

- (grunts) - (whistling)
- Hey.

- Hey.
- How'd your driving test go?

I saw your examinee
take out that topiary

in front of Sweetgreen.

(laughs):
Right?

I mean, he passed,
if that's what you're asking.

Oh, we're not asking,
'cause we know he passed,

'cause you pass everyone.

I don't pass everyone.

Yeah, you do.
That's why we call you EZ Pass.

- Who calls me that?
- GREGG: Everyone.

Hot Kristen, Regular Kristen,

Yelp, I'm doing a thing
on Reddit... Ooh!

- This chair.
- Was that your back?

L4 just met L5.

I'm not EZ Pass. If anything,

I'm, like, Hard Pass.

When was the last time
you failed someone, hmm?

Besides that old lady
that almost killed you?

I don't know, Vic.

Last week? This week?

Who keeps track of these things?

- The system. It was August.
- VIC: Mm-hmm.

- There you go.
- Of last year.

You don't have the strength
to fail people

because you're dehydrated.

Or maybe it's because
you're a people pleaser.

Okay, I'm neither
a people pleaser

nor dehydrated.

I am an experienced examiner
who is firm but fair.

- (Gregg laughs)
- And now I'm pissed off.

- BOTH: Ooh.
- So, God help

the next person
in my driver's seat.

(imitates sizzling)

Hey, Colette.

Hey. H-Hi. Hey. What's up?

I'm just letting you know,
you got a driver on deck

- for a test.
- Oh, great.

And it's me. (laughing)

COLETTE:
That's good.

That's a good thing.

Watch this.

♪ ♪

- Easy, pal. There's a line.
- Hello.

It's me, boss. I'm your Barb.

I'm your Barber--
boss-- bear-- I'm your b--

- I am boss Barb. (chuckles)
- Oh, hey, Barb.

I'm sorry.
I did not see you there.

It's like I'm invisible,

and no one seems to understand
that I'm in charge now.

That is not true.
Everyone respects you.

- (sighs)
- Now take a lap.

This is gonna take a while.

Yes, sir. (sighs)

What?

(sighs)

What would you do, Ray?

Look at you up there. (chuckles)

King of the castle.

This would never happen to you.

You think?

That's a good idea. (chuckles)

That's why you're in charge.

(chuckles)

NOA:
My buddy let me borrow his van.

So what made you decide
to get your California license?

Well, I figured it's time

to stop bumming rides
from other people.

- (chuckles) Yeah.
- Yeah.

Who've you been bumming rides
from? Not that it matters.

- Oh, you know, mates. Mates and, um...
- Mates, yeah.

You remember Mary?

Um, I don't... Mary...?

- Mary.
- No.

Tan, very fit, infectious laugh.

- Can we just do the test?
- Okay.

- Let's...
- Pull out of the parking lot.

- (van engine starts)
- Let's go. Back up.

Okay.

- Whoa.
- Oh!

Oopsie-daisy. (laughs)

(van engine sputtering)

Come on.

- (camera clicks)
- CECI: Next.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Now serving...

Need a favor.

- You waited in line?
- Yeah.

I walk the walk.

Okay, now that
I'm officially branch manager,

I get to have my portrait
hung up on the wall next to...

Ray Henderson.

Our director.

- Head of the California DMV.
- That's who that is?

I always thought it was like
a "Most Wanted" thing,

like, he bounces checks

or has a little too much fun
with kids, you know?

That is our esteemed leader.

And now I need you
to take my picture

so I can be hung on the wall
and earn respect, too.

Can you scooch over so I can
blast this short king, please?

Okay, just one...

(camera clicks)

All right, papi, you know
where to find me later.

Bye.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Now serving...

So will you take my portrait?

No. Just use one from Instagram.

- I can't find a good one.
- Nonsense.

- Let me see.
- Oh, my gosh.

CECI: Why are there
so many pictures of you

- with your face in wooden cutouts?
- Well, let's just say,

if there's a hole,
I'm gonna put my face in there.

Don't show these to anyone.

Fine. I'll do it.

- (exclaims) Thank you, Ceci.
- But you should know

I'm extremely difficult
to work with.

(whistles)
Adult braces, you're up!

- Barb, move.
- Oh, yes. Okay.

- COLETTE: Stop sign. Stop sign.
- (tires screech)

- Stop sign.
- Where?

- Back there.
- Oh.

Do you want me to, like,
stop and back up?

- No.
- Okay.

- It was my first day at work, and I was so nervous.
- Mm-hmm. Ooh, eyes.

- Then you ended up dunking your hair in your coffee.
- (nervous chuckle) Uh...

And I was like, "Aw."

Hands on the wheel.

Hands and eyes. Oh, my God.

Kind of crazy.
You see that cloud?

- Uh...
- Kind of looks like a plate of spaghetti

- but with rabbits as meatballs.
- Yeah.

Uh, I-I see a person.

- Really? In which one?
- A human person.

- Right there.
- Oh. Oh.

- COLETTE: Sorry.
- Come on!

COLETTE:
Yes. Yep. Yep. Whoa.

- Oh.
- Ow.

I am so sorry about that.
You okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

- Longboard stops for no man.
(laughs) - (laughs awkwardly)

- Or lady.
- Fine.

How did I do?

COLETTE:
Noa...

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever driven before?

Tons. Uh, you know, ATVs,
dune buggies, you name it.

On roads, though?

- Beach roads.
- Mm, so sand?

Sand formed into roads, yeah.

Huh.

- Look...
- Hey.

I'm so grateful for this.

You know, everybody thought
that I was so crazy

moving over here, but...

I'm finally going for
my American driver's license,

- you know?
- (laughs awkwardly)

Yeah. I'll-I'll literally
never forget this, so...

thank you.

Yeah.

Congrats, man.

Congrats.

- You did it.
- I did?

- You did it.
- I... (laughs)

Woo-hoo! (laughs)

♪ ♪

(moaning)

200 more ounces,
and then I smash my daily goal.

It's like I'm operating
on a higher level.

Soon, I'll have hearing
better than a dog's.

And you don't think
it's possible

these benefits
could be imaginary?

Knew you were gonna say that.
No way. But I get it.

"Drys" like you can't even
fathom a paradigm shift

this huge. See?

I know words
like "paradigm" now.

Wow.

- So...
- So?

Did you pass Noa?

Hmm? Who-- Noa?
Who's that? Uh...

Of course he passed.

Only because he's
an exceptional driver, you guys.

Like, compared
to normal drivers,

(laughing):
he was exceptional.

Hey, guys, does this
belong to anyone?

Noa hit it when he was out
on his test. (chuckles)

- Ooh.
- Let me see, Kristen.

Yeah, this looks like
a custom mirror

from a 1979
Pontiac Firebird Trans Am.

You really know a lot
about cars.

I know mine.

Exceptional driver?

- He's allowed one error.
- Colette,

- he got into an accident on his driving test.
- Yeah.

You have to fail him.

- (sighs)
- (Vic slurping, moaning)

How am I still only
a "Slurp Slut"?

I'm gonna go fill up
my water can.

Stick with it, buddy.

Shh...

Okay, smile.

But just your eyes.

We want a serious mouth.
Just your eyes.

Just your eyes. Just your eyes.
Stop moving your mouth.

- Just your eyes.
- I'm not moving my mouth.

I am now, but...

Okay, forget about it.
Just put your hands down.

- Down.
- They are down.

Down. Just...

Like I'm at a party?

Like I'm playing hide-and-seek?

Like it's supper
and I'm waiting for father?

Okay, Barb.

- I'm gonna need a minute.
- (Barb sighs)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
...U13.

Hey, Noa.

- Hey.
- What's up?

Nothing.

Nothing big. No biggie.

It's just a little,
a little something came up

about your driving test, actually.

Just a little update.

Which is that you...

(laughs): I actually have an
update of my own, just quickly.

Oh.

I just bought my mate's van.

- Oh...
- Yeah.

- Yeah, it-it-it set me way back, but...
- (sighs)

Hey, I came off such a high
after my driver's test,

I just thought, screw it,
you know?

- Great.
- YOLO.

- YOLO. (laughs)
- Yeah.

Did the payment, like,
it went through and everything?

'Cause sometimes, like,
my bank's like, "Are you sure?"

And I'm like, "Yes, Mom."

And it's like,
"You're doing the wrong thing.

Don't buy the van."

- No, it went through.
- (sighs)

It went straight through.
Cleaned me right out.

Anyway, yes, you had an update
about my test. What's up?

- Did I say that?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, uh...

Just that, um...
You know that fruit stand

you kind of backed over?

Mm-hmm.

I'm just gonna go
get us some fruit.

- Yeah?
- Just wondered if you're

a melon man or a papaya guy?
A papaya guy-a?

- Papaya.
- Great.

- For sure. (laughs)
- Yeah.

- If he's there.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- He might be dead.
- Hope not.

- Okay, bye.
- Okay, thank you.

(camera clicks)

How do I put this gently?

These are the worst photos
I have ever seen.

(sighs) Maybe we should call
a professional photographer?

Like from Triple A?

How dare you.

Mira, mama, I can only work
with the clay that I am given,

and the clay I'm working with
is gray and lifeless.

Okay, I'm sorry. It's just...

it's just a portrait, Barb.

It's not just a portrait.
It's how people will see me.

Look, my parents have been
retired from the military

for 25 years,

and the people at Applebee's
still salute them,

even when they're eating
the riblets.

(sighs)

Maybe I'm just not meant to be
on the wall.

No. No, you are.

You are meant to be
on that wall,

right next to Roy Farmerson.

Ray Henderson.

You just need
to ooze confidence.

Look, switch. I'll show you.

♪ ♪

You see?

Yeah, Ceci, these are great,

but they're not gonna work
unless you can make me you.

Please, no.

Done.

(gasps)

I am friggin' hot!

We are.

You're welcome.

(growls)

Hey, guys, uh,
Noa can't find his keys.

Anyone seen them? No?

You look in the bathroom.
I'll check here.

It's so weird.
They were right in front of me.

So weird.

You stole his keys just to avoid

the four seconds of discomfort
that it would take

to tell him that he failed?

Well, when you say it like that,
it sounds crazy.

GREGG: It is crazy. What
do you think he's gonna do

if you tell him the truth?

Well, I don't know.
Squinch up his face,

turn away from me,
pour a giant glass of chardonnay

and hide in bed for the rest
of my seventh grade summer?

VIC:
I sip,

I chug, and I guzzle,

and I get nowhere.
I make no progress.

Maybe someone is secretly
refilling your jug

when you're not looking.

Oh, like a magical
water fairy, Gregg?

Grow up!

- All right, call the search off.
- It's off.

My mate has a spare set of keys.

- What luck.
- Just in time, too.

After work,
Mary and I are taking

some underserved kids surfing
in Malibu.

- Aw.
- Mm-mm.

- Ah.
- GREGG: Mm-hmm.

Hey, I should take
Mulholland, right?

Visibility isn't great,

but I've always wanted to see
that spot where James Dean's car

just flew off the road
and burst into flames.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. (sighs)
I got to tell him.

I'm a big girl.
I can do this. Yeah.

Can you guys come with me?

Noa's not out here.

Ah, gosh darn it.
I thought he was.

Oh, well, plan B.

Anyone know how
to disconnect a battery?

So, I'm gonna disconnect
his battery today,

have a good night's sleep,
and then, first thing tomorrow,

I'm gonna send Noa an anonymous
letter telling him he failed.

Maybe attach an invoice
for my mirror.

(Vic groans)

Vic, are you all right?

No. I got to sit.

I feel like I ate a waterbed.

Where is...
where's the hood release?

It's under the dashboard.
Here, move over.

Okay.

Is everyone seeing
this little lady?

Oh, w-w-wait. Is this it?

Oh, my God.

No, that was the turn signal.

Stop. Stop. What am I doing?

I'm breaking into his car.
I'm breaking his car.

Tricking us out here when we
could be inside hating our work.

All because, what, I-I'm afraid
of disappointing people?

I mean, is this who I am?

Look, Noa's a grown man.
He's gonna be fine.

You're a grown woman.
You'll be fine.

We're all adults in here.

We are.

- (gasps) It's Noa and Mary.
- OMG! Hide!

(groans)

- What about her?
- COLETTE: Get down.

- CECI: I'm the belle of the ball.
- (camera clicking)

Just fresh off
my Broadway debut.

Chicago? I don't know. Maybe.

Everybody loves me. Everyone's
throwing flowers at me.

Oh, wait, not everyone. (gasps)

Is that a vegan?
Animal activist?

Oh, no, they hate you.
They're throwing paint at you.

Covered in red! Drenched!
Blood all over you!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What is this?

That's not blood.
It's strawberry jam.

Oh, my God, delightful.

Brings back childhood memories.

Oh, wait,
stomach starts to hurt.

Everything's turning dark.

It was poison. The animal
activist poisoned you.

They killed you,
and you feel nothing

because you were a robot,
and none of this was ever real.

Okay, stop! (groans)

This isn't working, Ceci.

- Okay?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Rude.

It's just a big waste of time.

Maybe I don't know
how to "project leadership"

or "command respect"

or "blink naturally."

I don't know,
maybe it's me, Barb.

Maybe I'm not as good of a
photographer as I thought I was.

What? No, Ceci, you're amazing.

No matter who walks in here,

you make 'em feel like
a billion bucks

in a one-inch-by-one-inch photo.

You're just saying that.

No, I'm saying it
'cause it's true.

Look at me.

You are a big, bright,
shining star, and don't ever

let me hear you
doubt yourself again.

Do you hear me?

- (camera clicks)
- Got it.

Got what?

Wow.

Of course "wow."

MARY:
I love your van!

(whispering): I can't
sit like this much longer.

My back is hurting.

- Shh.
- VIC (whispering): You think you're uncomfortable?

I've got a gallon of water in
me, and I haven't peed all day.

You haven't peed?

- COLETTE: Shh.
- No.

Because Dr. Sean Dollop says

you can't go until
your nightly toxin purge.

- Shh.
- You've had more than a gallon, Vic.

I've been secretly
filling up your girl jug.

- You what?
- Shh, shh.

Oh, wait.
Have they stopped talking?

Are they gone?

(van creaking rhythmically)

Oh.

- Oh, God.
- (moans)

Oh, God. Oh, no, why?

That feels good.

(Mary moaning)

You're right. Gregg,
I-I should've just failed him.

No, this is better.

MARY:
Push harder.

NOA:
I'm pushing as hard as I can.

(grunts) Why does this thing
have to be so giant?

I knew it. He has that energy.

(Mary and Noa grunting)

Maybe the opening's too small.

Oh, great. Kill me. Kill me now.
Just take my life.

(Mary and Noa continue grunting
and moaning)

MARY: Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah! That's so good.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.

- Oh, no, that was good.
- It's not gonna work.

Not without
some kind of lubricant.

MARY: Do you have,
like, a, like, a screwdriver?

We can, we can jam it in there.

- GREGG: A screwdriver?
- Okay?

- Okay, I got to see this.
- COLETTE: No, no, no, Gregg.

- Don't-don't-don't.
- Oh, my God.

They're doing it
like me and my wife.

With their clothes on,
and they're not doing it.

What? Let me see.

Oh.

(laughs)
They're folding a table.

They're not struggling
to get their sex organs to fit.

Oh, levee's breaking.
I got to go right now.

- COLETTE: No, no, no, no.
- (grunting)

- No, no, no, no.
- GREGG: No.

- No, no, my-my car.
- Oh, no, the parking brake.

- (horn honks)
- Oh, stop. Don't hit...

My car! My car! (groans)

(sighs) Perfect.

It's my fault for owning
something that makes me happy.

Whoa. What is going on?

Oh, my God. Hi.
There he is. We found him.

- Oh, hi.
- There he is.

VIC:
I don't have to go anymore.

I don't know where it went,
but it's gone.

Mmm.

(chuckles softly)

NOA:
There you are.

Hey. Sorry about before.

Um, here are your keys.

I found them. Yeah. So, uh...

- (Noa laughs)
- That's the end of today,

and we get a new one tomorrow.
Thank God.

Hey, why were you guys
hiding in my van?

In your van?
Why was I in your van?

Oh, I was trying
to disconnect your battery,

so that you wouldn't drive.

It's also why I stole your keys.

I'm tempted to ask why again.

'Cause, Noa,
you failed your test.

You're awful at driving.

You're... really bad.

Yeah. All right. That's fair.

That's fair?

Yeah, yeah. I mean,
I was in three car accidents

- during the test, so...
- Yeah.

I just figured I could squeak by
because you-you pass everybody.

So you, like, used me?

Kind of.

(chuckles) Whoa.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Wait, how do you know
I pass everybody? (chuckles)

It's in the system.

Did you look me up?
Okay, stalker. (laughs)

- Yeah. (laughs)
- Wow.

Well, you know, you can take
the test again in two weeks,

if you want, but you're gonna
have to practice because you're

- really terrible.
- Yeah.

Maybe I can get some lessons
from you, if that's...

Oh, my God, restraining order.
Seriously. (laughs)

It's okay. I can f--
I'll find someone.

Yeah, I'll do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can do it.

- Thank you. (laughs) Thanks.
- Yeah.

- Hey...
- Get out, Gregg. Beat it.

So who's gonna cover this?

I'll take cash or cash.

Perfect.

(grunts)
It's you and me, Ray-Ray.

(chuckles)

(Vic groaning)

- Whoa. Oh, hey, Vic.
- (Vic's stomach rumbling)

(Barb chuckles)

Okay, buddy, let's get you
into a big bowl of rice.

(burps)

- (groans)
- No, no. No.

- I gotta. I gotta.
- You don't need any more of that.

- You've had enough. You've had enough.
- I need it.

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