Original subtitles

Into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite. I love you, Nate Archibald.

Always have, always will. I love you, too.

What is wrong with you? This is not who you are. Look, I know who Blair and those girls are,

but I know who I am, and I'm not gonna forget that

just 'cause I hang out with them. We're not supposed to talk, remember?

I can't help myself. I never should have let you let me go.

I will not base my personal life on your preferences.

Dan is my boyfriend.

I would rather be Chuck's stepsister than Dan's.

Lily, would you do me the honor of being my wife?

He proposed before we left, and I'm going to say yes.

Take care, Rufus.

How glad are you to see our families merge, sis?

So glad that if you ever call me that again,

it'll be the last thing you ever say, Chuck. Unless you want

dear Nathaniel to know how you lost your virginity to me

in the back of a moving vehicle,

I encourage Patience and restraint. Isn't there someone else you can torture?

Look, I know you're friends with Blair,

but if you know something... Well, Blair was never really my friend.

So... So, yeah, there's something you should know.

(Girl) What a bitch. (Girl) Oh, my god. She is such a slut!

I made a decision I was in no condition to make. I want nothing else to do with you, Blair.

It's over.

You held a certain fascination

when you were beautiful and untouched.

I don't want you anymore,

and I can't see why anyone else would. What are you doing here?

I was just leaving. No, stay.

Consider yourself dethroned, queen b.

Jenny, if you walk away from me now, I will ruin you.

How are you gonna do that?

My whole life is falling apart. Stay and fight.

We'll get through this together. Promise?

Promise.

And who am I?

That's a secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me.

X.o.x.o., gossip girl.

("Moon river" playing)

(Meows)

Cat?

(Panting)

Cat!

Cat!

Ew.

Cat!

Cat.

(Voice echoing) You don't have a cat, Jenny.

(Voice echoing) My name is Blair.

You don't have anyone.

But I'm Blair.

I'm Blair!

(Dorota) Ms. Blair. Ms. Blair.

Ms. Blair.

(Gossip girl) Wakey, wakey, upper east siders.

Spring break is done, and I'm starved for the dish.

Were you sunning in Capri or sinning in Croatia?

Give me the deets.

Oh, what's happening?

You have bad dream,

and you're sleeping with your chocolates.

Oh, lady godiva, my only friend.

And has anyone spotted our ex-queen b.?

Where does the dethroned royalty

vacation these days?

Club bed is over. First day back to school.

(Whining) I can't, Dorota. I don't feel very well.

Serena come to get you soon.

Call her and cancel.

And cover my mirrors.

I'm in mourning for my former life.

(Sighs)

(Water running)

Chuck, I'm serious!

Are you done yet? This is my bathroom!

It's late,

and not to mention disgusting.

(Pounds on door)

Chuck! (Sighs)

What are you doing?

All right, ladies. My sister needs to shower.

Make room.

I'm just messing with you.

I can't believe you lit up in my bathroom. Well, if I lit up in mine,

then the folks would know it was me, sis.

Oh, okay. Let's get one thing straight...

Our parents may be insisting on blending our households,

but I am not your sister.

I do not share any of your d.N.A.,

nor do I ever wish to.

Then I suggest you get new hand towels.

Okay.

It's imperative that I bathe.

Can you just get out?

You know what? Fine. Just forget it.

(Blows)

(Laughing)

Next year, we're doing spring break in Maldives.

Skiing is too dangerous. You broke your arm in the spa.

Oh, here, Hazel. Thanks for letting me borrow it.

What is this? The bracelet you lent me in Aspen?

Oh, yeah. You know, you could've just kept it,

and I would've forgot I had it.

Girls, how excited are we?

(Laughs) It's gonna be my best birthday ever.

I heard the mojitos are amazing.

Wait till you get your mouth around a mini Cuban. Oh, I don't, um...

It's a sandwich. (Laughing)

Oh. Wardrobe, ladies?

My ferragamo clutch

and whatever dress I buy today to go with it. Ooh. What about you, j.?

Oh, I've got some dresses on hold at Bendel's. There's an a.T.M., Jenny. You said you wanted to hit it.

You know, to pay Penelope back for brunch?

Oh, uh, yeah. $120, right?

Yeah, I don't feel like stopping.

You can get the next one.

What are you doing?

I'm hiding from my valet.

He wanted to put my socks on for me this morning.

Your servants are very attentive. You should meet Brigita... New Latvian maid.

No. No, no, no, he should not meet Brigita. He's 14.

Avoid this person. May I remind you, Serena,

that you used to have a sense of humor? No.

Morning, father. (Eric) Hey.

Morning, kids. (Serena) Morning.

And how is Lily Von bulow today? Oh, I have a headache.

I had a very frustrating conversation

with the wedding planner this morning.

Well, may I say aggravation becomes you?

You may, but I won't believe it.

So... first day back at school, huh?

Honey, you didn't, uh, want to shower?

(Snickers)

I have to go meet Blair. Eric?

You go ahead. We'll take the limo.

As my best man,

I expect you to keep things smooth until the wedding.

Best man?

Uh, um, I'd be honored, sir.

To family.

(Glasses clinking)

(The deadly syndrome's "eucalyptus" playing)

(Dan) I came straight from the airport

to take Jenny to school, and she's already gone?

She slept at Hazel's last night. Oh. Who's, uh, who's Hazel?

Her new friend,

the girl whose family she went with to Aspen.

Yeah, I was actually surprised you let her go

and cancel on mom like that. Well, your mom was in complete support of it.

Jenny was very well taken care of.

I spoke to her every day, twice from the, uh, private plane. Private plane?

It's the best early birthday present

we ever could have given her. Oh, so you paid for it?

Well, I gave her pocket money.

Yeah, Jenny's happier than she's been in a long time.

Hey, whenever you're done

with that "I'd do things differently" look, two things...

One... I can't seem to nail Jenny down

on what she wants to do for her actual birthday. Oh, you know, I'll get it out of her.

Good. And, uh, two...

What the hell are you still doing here?

Mm. Thank you.

At least you get to wake up from your nightmare.

I'm living with mine.

Thank god I have plans with Dan tonight.

Finally, the return of some normalcy!

B., what are you doing?

Giving homeschooling some serious consideration.

Look, I know you think

everybody's still talking about you,

but your 3-week-old-scandal is ancient news.

Did you even hear the dirt that happened over break? Who would I have heard it from? Dorota?

Well, after much concerted effort,

Maya finally made it into Brody jenner's cell phone.

Ugh. (Laughs)

Oh, and kati's dad

moved her entire family back to Israel. Yeah.

And constance's bad-girl-turned-good...

(German accent) Serena Van Der Woodsen...

(Normal voice) Moved in with Chuck bass.

Yeah. So you're thinking

this whole thing could have blown over by now?

(Singsong voice) Come on.

(Normal voice) That, too.

(Both laugh)

(Indistinct conversations)

(Sighs)

(Clears throat)

(Whispering indistinctly)

Don't worry, b.

The French revolution had cake.

Come on. Let's go.

The American revolution had tea.

But looks like the overthrow of Blair Waldorf,

well...

(Laughing)

Who said you need a silver spoon

to dole out just desserts?

(Laughter continues)

(Laughing)

I can't believe that. Oh, my god, that was so perfect.

That was so perfect. So funny. (School bell rings)

Hey, Jenny.

Can I talk to you just for a second?

Um, I'll meet up with you guys, okay?

Hey, so I may have told Blair

you told me the truth about her and Chuck,

and I'm sure she didn't react well to that.

But you don't know what you're dealing with here.

I'm not scared of Blair, Nate. No, I'm not talking about...

I'm talking about your new circle.

I mean, they've been friends with Blair forever,

and look what they're doing to her.

You fall out of line,

what do you think's gonna happen to you?

Well, then I won't fall out of line.

I'm not saying you're gonna...

It's just...

You're not like those girls, Jenny.

That's weird, Nate. Since they're my friends,

you'd think we'd have some stuff in common.

Okay.

Well, I will give you this...

You've got good aim.

(Paper rustling)

(Blair) Can't we eat somewhere else?

Look, I know this is hard for you, b.,

but you can't let them beat you.

You're Blair Waldorf, remember?

Right. Right. (Scoffs) These are my steps,

and I'm not going to relinquish them

without a fight, though it would be helpful

if maybe there was one more person in our crowd.

(Clears throat)

Only old people and children and...

Ugh, there's Chuck

with a blond mini-Chuck. (Scoffs)

He's trying to torture me.

I... I can't believe it. I know.

Does little j. Actually think

that she's anything but their lackey?

Hey.

Hey. Hi.

So since when does Nate Archibald have

so much to say to Jenny Humphrey, hmm?

Why? You guys don't like him?

Penelope's only had a historic crush on him

since the 20th century.

Since you and Nate are so tight,

maybe you can broker that. Yeah. Maybe.

They what? They're taking her out to dinner

for her birthday tomorrow night...

Table service at socialista.

So Jenny Humphrey is officially being inscribed on the a-list.

Wait. How do you know this? Because they invited me,

but I said no out of deference to you.

I just thought I could have dinner

with her and Dan and the whole family.

How do you manage to get out of everything unscathed?

Because I'm nice. You should try it sometime.

Come on. Um, compliment me. Tell me my hair looks beautiful.

But your hair looks disgusting. Did you even shower?

(Laughs) B., I say this out of love,

but your being a bitch

is what got dairy in your hair in the first place, okay?

Be nice and neutral, and things will swing back to normal.

You're the queen b., so just let nature take its course.

I'm going to model u.N., but we're dining tonight, right?

Butter, 7:00. Oh, um, I don't know if I can go out again tonight.

Why? What are you doing? Do we have a reservation?

(Scoffs) Uh, yeah, I mean, doesn't it take,

like, 2 weeks to get a table there? Not if you slip the maître d' $100.

Oh, and don't forget, j...

You owe me.

Um...

You know, I've got a better idea.

What's she doing?

What does she think she's doing?

She's giving you the perfect opportunity for niceness.

Come on. No.

Yes.

Serena, I know that you're doing something

with Dan tonight, but, Blair, um, we're all going to butter,

and I was wondering if you wanted to join us. She'd be delighted! Yes! Butter.

Great.

(Laughs) Great!

Very nice.

Thank you.

(The teenagers' "feeling better" playing)

♫ who's there for you when you're cold and alone? ♫

♫ The teenagers, the teenagers ♫

Mmm.

♫ We're playing our songs ♫

Have you always looked this good?

You look so good to me.

(Laughs) You look so good to me,

and you smell... (Sniffs) Mmm, so clean.

Mm, you're not gonna tell me the Chuck shower story again,

are you? No.

Good.

(Both laugh)

(Knocks on wall)

Dan.

(Sighs)

Chuck. How are you?

Excellent. Enjoying having family around.

Can you just get it over with, Chuck?

Say whatever pervy thing you're gonna say and just leave?

The wedding caterer

is presenting a tasting to the family.

I was coming to call you to dinner. Okay, I'll take off then.

No need.

I already asked the staff to set a place for you.

♫ You and I, looking like you never cried ♫

(Chuck) I have to say I prefer the Chestnut pappardelle.

Yeah, the foie gras is a bit rich.

You know, I'm... I'm, uh, slanting heavily towards

the venison fellow. (Whispers) It's fallow.

Fallow. Fallow, exactly. Fallow.

Oh, for me?

Thank you.

Who's it from? (Singsong voice) I don't know...

(Normal voice) But it says "open immediately."

Do I have to refrigerate it? No, it's not from me. I don't know.

Oh. Oh, don't put your dirty package on the table.

If I had a dime for every time I heard that. (Laughs)

That's enough, Chuck.

Porn and handcuffs?

Really?

Oh, my. Wow.

This is low, Chuck, even for you.

What? I didn't send this.

Ahem.

Excuse me.

Uh, could you...

Oh, yeah. My pleasure. Uh, it's not... that's not what I...

I didn't mean that.

It's, uh...

It's trash. I'll throw it out.

(Indistinct conversations)

Spotted... Blair Waldorf, alone at butter.

I'm sorry, miss,

but it... it looks like your friends aren't coming.

Humiliated... party of one.

(Girls laughing)

Can't you just picture her sitting there?

Every time someone comes in the door...

"Ah... it's not them. Ooh, no, not them."

Not going to butter

is so much better than going to butter.

My new nanette lepore for Jenny's birthday.

Gorgeous.

Wow.

Right?

What's the birthday girl wearing?

Oh, I'm still deciding between two dresses at Bergdorf's.

I thought you said Bendel's.

Bendel's. Right.

(Cell phone rings)

Oh, it's my dad. (Ring)

(Penelope) Is, are you wearing your black Chanel? Hello?

(Hazel) Which one? You know, I never wear the same thing twice.

Mommy taught me well. Hey, dad.

(Rufus) You missed dinner, kiddo. Oh, yeah, um, I'm studying at Hazel's,

and I guess I lost track of time. Um, I'm not mad.

I just feel like I haven't seen you in a while.

We haven't even discussed your birthday. Um, I was gonna do something with my friends...

Oh. That's great, honey.

But since I have nothing to wear,

I don't think that's happening anymore.

Well, if you want to be with your friends,

we can do the family thing over the weekend.

Sweetheart?

Uh, yeah. I'll be home soon, dad.

Okay. Bye.

(Miss eighty 6) ♫ you drive me crazy ♫

Hello? Hi.

Oh, no check, honey. The drink's on us,

unless you want something else?

♫♫

Yes.

Another bellini,

the seared squab,

and a bus person to separate the tables,

please.

(Mouths word)

(Gossip girl) One may be the loneliest number...

(Man) Information. What city and state, please?

Brooklyn. I think that's in New York.

But sometimes only the lonely can play.

Wake up, little Jenny. The bitch is back.

Well, I found some stuff in the back of my closet.

Mm-hmm. Do you want to go with cash again,

or do you want to buy your sewing machine back?

Neither. I want that dress.

Honey, this is $1,200.

Well, this one's... Quite lovely.

Yeah, well, that's more my color.

Hmm.

I say we take the jet to Croatia,

where young Eric here

can exploit the lesser age of consent...

I'm invited to the bachelor party? Brother, please.

And then head west to monte Carlo

for some all-night cards at metropole,

then swing by giza

just to watch the sun come up over the pyramids.

What do you think, father? I think we're here.

(Indistinct conversations)

Uh, see you at home, Bart.

Chuck will catch up in a minute.

You almost ruined things between me and Lily once before.

I'm not gonna let that happen again.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about that vulgar stunt you pulled at dinner.

I didn't send Serena that package,

and quite frankly,

her violated virgin Mary act is getting pretty old.

I thought making you my best man would help.

What is that supposed to mean?

Inspire you to value my happiness

above your own childish agenda.

Things seem to be working out for you at that club, victrola.

I'm thinking you might like me to invest more in the place,

so you can have more control?

In exchange for good behavior, of course.

You're bribing me?

So we have a deal then?

(Car door opens)

Hey, why aren't you at school? (Blair) I'm taking the morning off.

Volunteering to help those less fortunate than myself.

Wow. You're in a good mood.

Butter with the girls must have gone well last night?

I didn't go, actually.

Why not? I figure they should work a little harder

for my forgiveness.

Hey, Dan's not hanging out in Brooklyn again this morning.

He's with you at school, right? Um, no, not yet, but he'll be here soon. Why?

Just tell him I say hi.

Okay.

Hi.

Jenny's dad?

We met briefly at Thanksgiving.

Ah, yeah.

Hi.

I got three cases of champagne for Serena Van Der Woodsen.

Oh. No, no. I-I'm Serena Van Der Woodsen,

but those aren't mine.

Well, the purchase order never lies. Salud.

(Girl) Whoo! (Boy) You guys, get over here!

Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoo! Aah!

(Isabel) She must have been so angry. (Girl) I would be livid.

Hey, guys, I just got this incredible dolce.

You wanna see? (Girl) It's unbelievable.

You can't turn your back in your own house. What are you guys talking about?

My mother's Valentino was stolen. Oh, my god.

It was made especially for her.

It was the same year he did, uh,

Jackie o.'S lace wedding mini.

Well, did someone break in? No, and the maid swore to the police

that she didn't take it, but she'll probably get fired. Wait, police for a dress?

It's worth, like, $15,000. My mother told imaculata if she returned it,

they could work something out. Like she'll bring it back.

Well, you never know. I mean, it could turn up.

Right, 'cause really, where is she gonna wear it?

I'm really glad, because when I spoke to her,

she mentioned the plans with the girls falling through.

Nope.

Tell you the truth, I didn't really believe her. Why?

I thought she was just conflicted

about choosing friends over family.

Well, you know that's the biggest struggle

with a girl her age. (Laughs) Memory doesn't serve...

Trying to reconcile who you're becoming

with who you used to be.

She's been running herself ragged, Mr. Humphrey.

Straddling two worlds? Well, I know she was running herself ragged

trying to get into one of those worlds...

Picking up dry cleaning, gowns for masked balls...

Well, it's no easier once you're in.

She needs some relief.

Well, then that's what she'll get.

Whatever I can do to help.

(Woman) It wasn't over there?

(Woman) I didn't see anything.

Oh, thank god.

Betty? Hi. Excuse me. Um...

Would you pardon me for a moment, please?

I need to trade back.

All right, you can keep the scarf and the shoes,

but I need to give you this one in exchange for the red one. (Laughs) Well, honey,

I'm sorry, but that's just not gonna be possible. What? Why?

You know, when you leave here with an item,

you're agreeing to its value.

The dolce sold at $1,200.

The Valentino... (Laughs) Is seven times that.

Please, look, this has sentimental value,

and I didn't realize... No, I'm sorry.

A couple of hours ago, this dress was mine, all right?

It doesn't even have tags on it yet.

Look, it's not my fault

that you don't know what a Valentino's worth.

(Sighs)

(Cell phone beeps)

(Cell phone rings)

Hello? Nate, it's Jenny.

What's going on? Listen, I wouldn't be calling you

if I had anyone else to turn to,

but I made a mistake, and I need to fix it,

and I really need to borrow some money. Wait, wait. Jenny, just slow down.

I promise I'll pay you back. Is everything okay?

Yeah, I just... I made a mistake, and I need to fix it. (Scoffs) Well, how much?

$8,000.

$8,000? Jenny, what do you need that kind of money for?

You know what? Forget it. I'm sorry I bothered you. (Shuts cell phone)

(Sighs)

(Woman) Excuse me. (Woman) Mm-hmm?

Does this come in a 2? It wasn't on the rack?

The price of fitting in

might have gotten a little steeper...

(Woman) Excuse me, sir?

But little j. Still knows

it's what's underneath that counts.

(Lily) Well, we could put this one on a mylar tablecloth

and pretend it's a bar mitzvah.

Oh, there you are. I have a date with Dan.

Could you excuse us?

Thank you.

You're gonna say something worse than the bar mitzvah remark?

Serena, I think we should talk about any feelings

you might be having about my upcoming marriage.

Okay, but you're asking me this now because...

Because I got a call from your headmistress

who said that there was something

about a case of alcohol?

(Scoffs)

Well, I thought you may be acting out.

Right, mom. I actually woke up this morning, and I thought,

"hmm. I'm a little uncertain about my mother's wedding.

"Why don't I invite the entire junior class

out to the courtyard for a champagne toast?" You have pulled things like this before.

Obviously, Chuck's master plan is working.

I can't believe you think Chuck is doing these things.

Looking good to everyone in my life isn't enough for him.

He has to make me look bad or crazy.

Well, Chuck may be eccentric, but I doubt he's diabolical.

What's he done now?

I'll tell you what he's done.

(All) Surprise!

(Laughs nervously) Wow.

Happy birthday, Jenny.

Um, dad, I ca... I can't believe you did all this.

And, uh, Blair's here.

(Laughs) Um, this is so great

that all of you are here

in my house.

Uh, I should go change.

Uh, you got it? Okay.

I don't think she was surprised.

What's Blair doing here? I don't know.

This party's kinda weird. "Weird"? It's time for its induction

to the birthday hall of lame.

(Isabel) So not what I pictured

when the guy on the phone said "loft party." I can't believe we gave up our table for this.

Mint mojitos at socialista,

mint milanos with Jenny's dad.

He's kind of a hottie.

Yeah, a hottie dad.

How long do we have to stay?

Rice krispie treats?

Ooh. Whoa.

(Laughs) You can't believe how mad Bart was. (Laughs) Yes, I can,

'cause you've told me about three times.

I wonder what they're gonna do to him.

I wish I could see his face. Hey, you know what? I've got some stories, too,

uh, about seeing my mother

for the first time since she left at Christmas.

I'm the worst girlfriend. No, you're not. No, you're not.

And there's the funny visit to my grandma

at the old folks' home...

Two women, a sponge bath and a bedpan. (Laughs) I'm sorry. You're right.

I wanna be here right now with you.

And... and Nate. What?

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Sorry to interrupt. Your mom told me you guys were here.

Can I speak with you for one second, Dan?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

All right. Okay.

Hey, so have you spoken with your sister at all today?

No, no. Why? What's wrong? I-I don't know. She just called me.

She was really freaked out, didn't know where to turn.

She asked to borrow $8,000. What? Why?

Yeah, I don't know. I tried to get her

to tell me what was going on, but she wouldn't say anything.

Please? Dad, just get out, okay? I need to change!

Honey, can't you tell me what's going on? Nothing, dad, okay? Just leave!

Why are you crying? Are you upset about the party? No, I'm not. Can we just talk about this later, okay?

I really just need to get out of this dress.

Uhh, it's stuck!

Okay, all right.

Just help me, okay? Help me get it off.

Jenny, you have to calm down. No, hurry up.

Did you get it? I need a pair of pliers.

Dad... (Sighs)

(Knock on door)

Sorry. Sorry. We were just looking for our wraps.

I'll get them.

Oh, my god.

That's my mother's dress.

No, you guys, I got this at... at resurrection.

Remember, I was telling you

about the really great dress I bought? Her mother's one-of-a-kind Valentino

that just happened to disappear from her closet? She must've given it away and forgotten or something.

Are you calling my daughter a thief?

Well... excuse me.

This feels private, so I'm gonna head out now.

I have a table at butter.

Reservation's under Waldorf, in case there's an after party.

Spotted... Jenny in a red dress

with the red hands to match.

Looks like utter disgrace

is the name on the label.

Blair said they told you

the original party had fallen through

so that they could surprise you with a better one.

Blair's a liar. You got played.

She also said that you were afraid

the girls wouldn't accept everything about you.

She knew you were wrong. She wanted you to feel

like you had nothing to be ashamed of.

Was that a lie, too?

Where did you get the dress?

And I know you didn't make it,

because your sewing machine is gone.

You have no idea how hard it is, dad.

I sold my sewing machine, okay?

What? Yeah, and a lamp and some jewelry.

Why?

Because I had to.

Dad, you think that you can just send me off to school

with a plaid skirt and a metrocard,

and everything will be okay. I am not apologizing

for not having a private plane for you, Jenny.

You think I'm ashamed of where I come from?

No, dad, what I'm ashamed of

is having to bring a brown-bag lunch to school,

and, you know, eat it in the bathroom,

and then go out with my friends

and pretend that I'm not hungry

when I go to lunch with them.

You don't have to do those things, Jenny.

You're making a choice.

(Crying) What don't you get?

Do you want me to choose to have no friends?

Well, clearly,

I mean, that's not even a choice anymore,

because that's just done.

I should probably get back.

Well, thank you for staying with me

while I hid out from my house of horrors. Oh, no problem.

Oh, do you think Jenny will be all right? Yeah, Dan's a good guy.

He'll take care of her.

You are, too, you know, a good guy...

A forgiving guy

who can't pit himself against Blair forever.

(Laughs) Good night. I'm sorry. You gave me an opening.

I couldn't resist. I'm just saying.

How are you doing, man? Night.

Hey. Hey.

Where have you been? Therapy.

At this guy named brantforth's house?

Why are you hanging out with him?

Brantforth?

Chuck is fun, okay?

He's cool to me, and he doesn't treat me like some freak

that just out of the ostroff center. Who treats you like that?

Uh, guys at St. Jude's, the girls at constance,

sook at the Korean deli on 75th street. Eric...

And he's not... he's not always careful around me,

like... like one bad thing, and I'll break or something.

Besides, I always wanted a brother.

I'm trying it out, you know? Here.

What's this? Chuck said it came for you this morning.

He thought you might want to open it out of the house,

just in case. Why didn't he bring it to me himself?

Because he thought you wanted him to stay away from you.

Whoa. Is that coke?

How do you like a brother who uses you as a drug mule?

Serena, I...

(Laughs) Hey. Who turned 12?

Oh, please don't rub it in.

Dad, what happened?

(Sighs) Hey.

(Sniffles) You okay?

You wanna tell me why you needed to borrow $8,000?

Not really.

Ugh, I can't believe Nate told you.

Well, he was worried about you,

that you might be turning into some hideous upper east cyborg.

He said that?

No. No, I did.

(Chuckles)

I just got in way over my head.

You know, I thought I could trade the dress

and wear it that night and return it,

but just...

Look, uh...

It's your birthday,

so I think we should get some ice cream,

and we can talk about all this stuff later, okay?

Okay.

I'll just let dad know what we're gonna do.

Jen, you... you have so much more to offer

than the things that those girls have, really.

You've got so much more to bring to the table.

You just need to find a way to believe that.

Okay?

What the hell is your problem?

Specify the context.

You disgust me, Chuck.

No wonder you're friendless and girlfriendless.

Even your own father expects the worst from you. Well, you saw to that.

Listen, if we're gonna exist under the same roof,

I am laying down some house rules. No need, Princess. Bart already kicked me out.

What?

I'm moving back to my suite.

Bart thought it would be best

if the family bonded without me for a while.

♫♫

There's a line outside.

You ready to give up you're table yet?

No. My party's coming.

They're coming!

These seats taken?

Any good general knows

you never let your soldiers see you sweat.

Look's like this battle's ending at butter,

and the win belongs to b. (Sighs)

Victory is sweet.

I-I know, dad, but it's, you know, it's her birthday,

and I kind of promised. Well, since you don't make the decisions around here,

she'll just have to take that with a grain of salt. Okay, I'm sorry. So what are you gonna do?

Are you just gonna keep her locked up?

I don't know. (Sighs)

Last week, Aspen. This week, prison?

Yeah, well, spring break is over for everyone,

including myself.

I really took my eyes off the ball.

Uh, so... so what do you want to do?

Why don't we just celebrate 15

with some Jenny cake in the kitchen?

Okay. All right. I'll go tell her.

So, Jen, w...

She's gone.

What?

She's not in there. She's gone.

(Dials telephone)

(Vibrates)

(Beep)

Hey.

Uh, I'm sorry for calling you like that earlier.

(Sighs) I'm so embarrassed.

I mean, it was stupid and... and inappropriate...

No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm just glad you're okay.

Yeah.

Um, okay, well, I do have a favor to ask you.

I mean, it's not money,

but I just really don't want to be alone on my birthday.

(Piano playing cabaret music)

(Lily whispers indistinctly)

Oh, for me? Thank you.

(Both speaking indistinctly)

Oh, my god.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I'll be back.

(Kylie Minogue's "rippin' up the disco" playing)

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

(Scoffs) I'm going to the bar.

What?

Bar!

We'll be right back.

♫ Metallically reflecting your... ♫

Where are all the hot guys?

(Whispers) I don't know.

Uh, they don't exactly serve tea and cupcakes here, Jenny. 20 minutes.

Is this really happening?

Penelope, you know Nate, right?

Of course. Hi.

(Nate) Hi. Uh, how are you?

(The kills' "sour cherry" playing)

Hazel, I think maybe your mom

did give away that Valentino.

Yeah, she is always cleaning out her closet,

and that ativan can really play with her memory.

♫ Shout when you wanna get off the ride ♫

♫ shout when you wanna get off the ride ♫

♫ shout when you wanna get off the ride ♫

(Knock on door)

(Woman on TV speaks indistinctly)

(Turns off TV)

♫ make my heart beat double-time ♫

♫ now I'm the only sour cherry ♫

♫ on your fruit stand, right? ♫

♫ Am I the only sour cherry on the fruit stand? ♫

Hey.

♫♫

I'm really sorry, Chuck.

I know it wasn't you who sent me that stuff.

(Gossip girl) Never thought I'd say this,

but it turns out Chuck bass is innocent.

So who did send s. All those naughty gifts?

♫♫

Why don't I make you a drink?