Original subtitles

Wake up.

Wake up.

Get up.

Oh, it's bad.

Look at that.

Look up at that.

You've got to eat or at least have something.

Thank you.

Seriously. Love you.

Bye. Bye. Keep sweating. I'll be right behind you.

But these two girls have great hair and great teeth, and it's a good family.

These are two of the luckiest people you've ever seen sitting right in front

you. To Luke and Allison.

How do you follow that?

An ancient Celtic wedding ritual involved tying the bride and groom's

together. while they each took turns reciting vows to be engaged for exactly

year and a day.

And at the end of this year and a day promise, they can choose to part without

obligation, or they can choose to repeat their vows and spend eternity together.

Because this ceremony involves tying the bride and groom's wrists together,

that's where the term tying the knot comes from.

After Mason introduced Luke to my little sister, I knew they didn't need a year

and a day.

From the first moment they met, they knew that they would spend eternity

together.

So, I love you guys.

Congratulations to Luke and Allison.

I will take care of her. Walk up the stairs safely.

I will.

Bye.

Good night.

All right, everybody. It's getting to be that time. The open bar will be closing

soon. Take advantage while you still can. Only a couple more songs left, so

out there and party down.

Why aren't you with your friend?

You want to dance with some of those eligible bachelors?

Oh, yeah, they're mine.

I think they're out of my league.

Why aren't you dancing with your girlfriend?

I don't dance.

Then I need another drink.

Hey, hey, how's it going?

Oh, it's all right.

I'm uh, I'm trying to talk to this girl all night Yeah, what are you waiting

for? Just go make fun of her girls love that shit You serious?

Yeah, go do it

Excuse me

man, I'm gonna have to scorch up the dance floor There's been too many

of your terrible dancing

Um, what?

Where's your date?

Oh, um, I think I got dumped.

Terrible.

Absolutely terrible.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's slow it down one final time.

Our last song of the evening, Last Chance for Romance.

Congratulations, Luke and Allison.

Good night, everybody.

You guys have cooties.

You've tainted the water. Oh, whatever.

Now I've got to go get a refill.

Well, get the whole bottle.

No, no. You guys have had enough.

Did I stutter, Mr. Mason?

I said get a whole bottle.

Now. All right.

Jesus.

I can't believe you're here.

You smell like a mom.

So do you.

It's my new fragrance. It's champagne and sweat.

I like it.

Are you going to join me or just watch?

Oh my God, are you crazy? What are you doing?

What's wrong?

Are you too old to have fun?

Let me help you.

Well,

you're not really trying.

See, what you have to do is gently grab the fabric and carefully

pull it.

Well, I give up.

Won't your girlfriend be mad that you're in a hot tub with an 18 -year -old?

Oh, hey.

Okay, let's get in the room.

I can't even do this all.

You gotta pull the thing. Very expensive.

Can I tell

you a secret?

Sure.

I've had a crush on you since I was nine.

me lady one more time one more time

slowly until then I will float in

silence gingerly consuming energy

may you stay

just one more

Thank you.

Where have you been?

Why are you all wet?

You didn't answer my question. Just tell me where you were.

You know where I was.

Answer the question.

I was with James.

Which one of James?

Dark hair, tall, broke dates.

Wait. The James?

James? James?

Boner bastard?

I knew I should have never told you that.

So you're going to do it?

Yeah. At least somebody got some action.

Boner Baxter.

It was a wedding. How could you not?

I was in the hot tub. It was Olivia.

I knew she likes you. You know she's like 10 years old.

No. She's barely legal.

Oh my god.

It's okay. Nothing happened. You better hope Luke doesn't find out.

Did you at least have fun?

Uh, yeah.

Not every day you're in a hot tub with an 18 -year -old.

It's hard.

Go away.

But don't go in my pants.

Take it off.

Take it off. Oh, my God. Take it off.

Don't blame it on me that you couldn't score.

Thinking, man, do me now.

I can't.

Hey, hey, hey. What?

What?

What's he been?

He was a good size.

Good night.

Hello? Yeah, how's the book coming, Cupcake?

I thought you were on your honeymoon. You're not supposed to be talking about

work. Yeah, honeymoon's awesome. I'm just calling to make sure you're going

hit the deadline because a publisher's been hounding me. Okay, you know what? I

just have to figure one last thing out. Have fun, relax, and stop calling me.

Thanks. You have fun at the wedding?

Just a couple of chicks.

I wish.

Sam hooked up with some old boyfriend from college.

Dude, I don't know how you...

Whatever. Whatever works for you guys. That shit wouldn't work for me.

I get pissed when some guy even looks at Allie.

Yeah, well, we just don't see it like that.

Who was it? Was it that guy who came with the... What's her name? The blonde

one? Brooke?

Yeah, I know.

By the way, that chick and Bill are totally fucking... Yeah, does Allie know

about that? Shelly's like her best friend, right?

Well, Bill said... I can't say anything, so... Whatever.

Britt's not gonna last, you know, Bill.

All right, look. Go hang out with your wife, all right? Man, I can't believe

didn't get any pussy.

Goodbye.

How did the gowns look?

I bet everyone died when they heard you made them all yourself.

Everyone said they looked great.

It was pretty much the only reason to go.

It was like my spring show.

And your only sister was getting married, but whatever.

Hello?

Hi.

No, I'm just... Surprised you called.

Uh, me too.

Friday.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

I just got asked out.

By who?

My old college boyfriend.

Wait, what's Mason gonna think?

Boner Baxter asked you out? Oh my god, stop calling him that.

What did you tell him?

I told him yes.

Oh no.

What do you think?

Go out with him.

Really? Yeah, it's not a big deal. I've been out on dates.

I went out with that girl Sarah.

You liked her. She was hot.

Yeah, but she wasn't your ex -girlfriend.

Don't go out with him then.

Do you want to go?

Yeah, kind of. Then go.

I love you. I love you.

Maggots.

I guess you're not the superior sibling anymore.

And now I'm going to puke.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Can you believe Matt's hunting me for one of those? Okay.

Okay.

Let me look at those monsters.

Could you even imagine?

I get you're used to dealing with kids since Mason acts like one all the time.

Okay, that and the consistent booty.

Speaking of which, what was James Baxter doing at my wedding?

A little awkward?

You didn't talk to him, did you?

I did.

A little bit. He seems to be okay, though. He looks surprisingly good.

Is Brooke dating him?

I don't know. Why do you care?

I don't know. Maybe I'm upset.

You don't say I'm upset.

Oh, James Baxter. He's just surprisingly good. Oh, he's so dreamy.

to be some collections from other local designers. But in the middle, I want to

have pieces from other lines that really go with the aesthetics of the boutique.

So that's my plan.

I'm sorry.

I'm totally rambling.

No, no. I love it. It makes my job seem boring in comparison. No, it's not. I

think that real estate development is totally... Boring?

No, I... Well, if by boring you mean awesome, then high five.

So high five.

Wow. At least I know that you're... Bill a dork.

You're just jealous of my awesome job.

Yeah, I just, um, I never thought that you'd actually grow up and get a career.

Yeah, well, I would have dumped me too.

Look,

um, James, I have to tell you something.

Okay.

I am sort of in a relationship.

It's not what you think. He knows about us, or about this. He knows about us?

What do you mean?

I mean, Mason and I kind of have an open relationship, I guess.

Bullshit! I totally don't play European bowling.

Mason Michael Fitch.

This is Olivia.

Hi. Yeah, hi, Olivia.

How are you doing this lovely evening?

Fine.

Uh,

Olivia? Is that you? Are you in love with me?

Who are you guys talking to?

Oh, hi Mason, this is Olivia. Listen, I'm totally in love with you and I'm

to have all your babies if you want to get started.

Okay,

gotta go. See you tonight.

Who was on the phone?

It's not like I'm a sex maniac.

I mean, when I was with you, I was attracted to other people. I just didn't

on it.

Well, that's good. We had enough problems as it was.

It's not a problem. It's totally natural to be attracted to other people.

Okay, so you're single, but you have a boyfriend.

Yeah, sort of.

Okay, so do you two still have sex?

Yeah, of course.

I guess I'm a little more traditional than I thought.

Guess who just called me?

My hot tub girlfriend.

Or actually, it was her friends. Anyway, I was just calling. I was hoping you

would pick up and tell me what to do.

But you're not answering. So anyway, I love you.

Bye.

Can you come out and play?

A few years ago I was in New Orleans with some girlfriends and we were

and dancing and going crazy and there was this really cute guy and he was

dancing with me all night and we were outside and it started raining

and everybody was scrambling for cover and this guy looked me straight in the

eye and he bent down to kiss me and I totally freaked out.

Because I had a boyfriend.

And I left. I went to find my girlfriend.

Later on that night, I got a call from Mason.

And he told me that he just hooked up with our friend Valerie.

So what did you do?

It was hard. We were really confused.

I was upset. I didn't know if we should break up or not.

But then I didn't know if I was just more upset that I didn't kiss that guy

New Orleans.

So after...

I came home, we talked and we fought and we cried and we stayed up all night and

we realized that we were going to stay together and not break up and just see

what happens.

You know, and just be honest with each other about how we feel and what we do.

So how's that working out?

Pretty good.

Beautiful!

Beautiful lady!

Don't you want to kiss your beautiful lady, Kendra?

God, you are such a lesbian.

I want to kiss the old lady.

Baby, when you call me up on the phone, I can hear nothing for

too long.

No one

is in charge, but I have control.

I can tell you something when we're alone.

How far does it go from the jail?

I don't know.

What, are you going to make me do all the work?

You told him about us.

About our night of passion.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's all about being honest.

Detail? Like, about what?

I told him you were good -sized.

Don't you get jealous when he hooks up with other girls?

Not really. Not if he tells me about it.

You were jealous with me.

I know.

I just feel like...

I've grown up a lot, and being jealous is just being

insecure.

Well, I'm definitely not insecure, but I still get jealous.

I mean, it's human nature.

There's nothing wrong with that. I just don't feel that way.

Maybe you're just afraid of being alone.

Isn't everybody?

Precious by me.

Just ignore him.

What?

It's probably your boyfriend calling.

It could be my sister.

This feels like wife swapping.

Something. We're just friends. We're having a good time. It's not a big deal.

Yeah, well, apparently I'm too insecure to share you with somebody else.

Maybe I...

Maybe I'll call you when I grow up.

I had a nice evening, Samantha.

Very enlightening.

Mason! Hey, got my message.

Fuck you! Get in the car!

Get in the fucking car!

Get in the car now.

Get off!

You're fucking out of your mind! You're so riled up about it. You're getting

tested. What for?

You slept with that girl. You didn't use protection.

You're getting tested.

I told you about that.

It's so annoying when you're drunk. She's only like 19. She's barely had sex

with anybody.

Oh, yay.

Okay? You're getting tested.

Yeah, I love it.

Well, the river is deep and the river is wide.

And the girl that I love is on the other side.

She wants to move to Kansas City.

Move to Kansas City.

Not like I told him I was into golden showers and aft munching and

furries and crap like that.

Wow.

You need to call him.

I can't call him. He thinks I'm a crazy hippie or something.

No, no, no.

It's one thing I know a guy to think, if he actually hated you, he would have

stayed, gotten some, and then left.

Look, the fact that he took off before stealing the deal proves that he likes

you.

Look, girl, I know you want to call him.

You know, let him know things aren't so weird.

No. Come on, it's not like you can make it any worse.

Thank you.

Pick up the phone.

I will.

Now.

Okay.

Come on. Give him a call.

Here. No. Wait.

Don't say it. I already had talk.

Hey. Hi, James.

It's voicemail.

Hey,

James. It's Sam. I was just calling to say hi and sorry

for, you know, if you felt weird the other night.

Um, but if you want to come to the art walk this weekend, I don't know if

going already, but if you're not, you can come with us.

And, uh, no big deal. Just call me back.

And, uh, cool. Talk to you later. Bye. Say hello.

That sucked.

That was good, okay? And it wasn't so tough.

How was it?

I hate you.

You love me.

So you're really into golden showers?

I'm not. Are you into golden showers?

Maybe.

You serious?

Whatever God gave us is okay by me.

That's from Jesus.

And she thought as me, and I thought as her.

Then she and I asked with hungry eyes, maybe.

And the other girl asked, would I say maybe my sunflower?

And I put my arm around her and the other and pulled them close to me so I

feel their thighs all moist, maybe.

And their breaths were heaving like mad.

And maybe, I said, maybe I will.

Maybe.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot for coming by.

Hi. Hi.

What's your name?

Jessica. Jessica.

How you doing?

Good, how are you?

Good. I really loved your novel.

Well, thanks, Jessica.

I'd really love to talk to you about it sometime.

Definitely.

I think we could arrange that.

Be right back.

You're not supposed to be back here.

Um, I'm really sorry about the other night.

What are you talking about?

About what happened with Kim.

It just happened. I had no idea what was going on.

What's the big deal?

I just, I don't want you to be mad at me. Hey, can you put this over here?

Right there. Yeah, think.

Why would I be mad at you? Because I feel like I really screwed things up.

I'm sorry. Listen, Mason, you can do whatever you want. You're like my big

brother.

I'm like Luke?

No, you're not like Luke.

It's just, you know, we grew up together. Come on.

Listen, as cute as you are groveling, I have to get back to work. See ya.

I got my test results back.

I'm clean!

Woo!

Let's do it!

Such a prick!

Oh, come on.

No! I want you.

What can I do to make it up to you?

Those were yours.

I have to finish getting ready, and you have to get ready, and we have to be

gone in 30 minutes. Okay, well, that gives me the 25 seconds I need.

Maybe I'll just do the couch since you're not that into it.

You would.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

This is so hot.

This couch is so turned on by me.

I'm going to do it again.

It could be Allison. Shut up.

Still invited if you want to.

Okay.

I'll meet you there.

Yeah, I'll see you soon. Okay.

Bye.

That's your boyfriend?

He's not my boyfriend.

Whatever.

What a surprise he called me.

Maybe somebody canceled on him or something.

Yeah, right.

Well, I know one thing.

It's gonna be awkward.

Why? You're going to get along fine with him.

Um, I'm not worried about us.

You guys are the ones with all the drama.

Oh, my God.

Olivia's going to be there. Talk about drama.

Thing is, you just banged her best friend.

Um, that girl was very forward, and then all of a sudden she was, like, on top

of me. Really?

Oh. Hi, happy birthday.

Get him up, get him up.

Here's to the greatest guy I know, me.

But this is to the second greatest guy I know.

I know. I can't wait for the new book.

Is there anything new around here? What's the deal?

Whatever. Free booze? I mean... Yeah, we went around, but I've never been the

type to stare for hours and I'm like Olivia over there.

Whatever, yeah, I don't even get that. By the way, did you guys hear...

Is somebody serving nachos somewhere around here? Like, one of the galleries?

Jesus Christ.

Whoa.

Is that James Baxter?

What is he doing here?

Look. Bring him over and you can tell him how much you love him. Oh, I'm

I'm sorry. It's so weird for you. Shut up. It's so hard for you.

It is weird. It's weird that I have to keep this shit a secret from my wife.

Oh, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. You're such a man.

Hey, hey.

How you doing?

It's good to see you again. Hey, how'd that advice work out?

Um, fine.

Awesome. Yeah. Honey, do you remember James from the wedding, right?

Yeah. Hey, you want to go check out another gallery?

I got other stuff and free food down the street.

I want to wander around here a little bit, but I'll catch up. All right, all

right. Honey, want to...

You guys have a good time.

Excuse me.

It's your drink. That was awkward. Yes, a drink.

So,

does it get any better the longer you stare at it?

God, stock much?

Yeah, sometimes.

You still mad at me?

Hi, Nathan.

Hi. Is it all a creep? He just told Josh to keep his hands off you.

Like, told Josh.

Why?

Everyone knows Josh is gay.

Whatever.

Let's roll, Tom. This place blows.

See you guys later.

Yeah, I'm out of here. I do. Bye.

Are you coming?

Um...

I'll catch up with you later.

Are you sure?

Get out of here.

See you later, Mason.

Bye.

I'll still have a crush on you if you get me a glass of wine.

Red or white?

I think it bothers you more.

I'm glad you came. I was worried you didn't want to see me again.

Well, I wasn't planning on it.

But, uh, and I couldn't really find anything else to do tonight, so... Plus,

love art.

I'm not wasting my time with you.

There are so many single girls out there, and I come after you. Why?

Because you can't stop thinking about me.

So fly yourself.

Then why are you here?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just old -fashioned. I want you all to myself.

Is that so wrong?

I'm not a piece of real estate.

Yeah, no, you're a fucking rental.

Fuck you.

What's the matter? You don't like the movie?

Wow, check this out.

Can you see my shape?

Um... I don't think you're supposed to do that.

Come on, come here.

I told you I'm not a good dancer, okay? No one's around to see you.

Sam, I'm sorry.

Please, Sam.

Sam. I don't know what I'm thinking.

I thought you didn't want this.

What are you?

What? I've always wanted you.

Stop.

Please. Come on.

Do you really want this? Do you really want that in a relationship?

I'm not a victim, Gene.

Just be happy.

I'm going back.

No, I won't let you.

It feels like there's something between us.

Maybe you should just go talk to her. Oh, okay. Talk to her about not talking

me. You're brilliant.

God damn it. Where's Olivia?

I really don't like this guy she's hanging out with, man.

Okay. Okay, let's go find her.

All right.

Video sucks anyway.

You're just making me nauseous.

Probably because you're a boring boner bastard.

Are you working again?

No. It's over.

You have art. I read books. I read this book, How to Win a Woman Over.

Really? Just by decorating your apartment.

It's funny how opposed to lying you are, but you can't even tell your own sister

about it. Well, it's not lying if you just don't mention it.

Is that a time capsule?

Bread holder.

Bread holder.

Bread box.

It's a more technical term. Do you want something to drink?

No, you're too good.

I think this story's ridiculous.

I think you're ridiculous.

I think you're ridiculous.

Are you falling in love with him?

No. We're just friends.

It's fixed.

What? Tell me the truth.

I just did.

Maybe we should go back to the way things were, you know?

Make it less complicated.

Less complicated?

They're not so fast.

Dishes are done, dude. No way.

This is it?

That's it. That's fucking awesome.

Yeah, they're really fucking awesome. I'm really proud of you. It's fucking

awesome. Let's celebrate right now. Let's go.

I totally would, but Allie's... Get up. I can't.

Why not? I got plans with Allie.

Cancel them.

No, I can't. What about Sam? Doesn't she want to go and party?

Sam's on a date with James or something. I don't even know.

Come on.

You better watch out, man. That guy makes a ton of money. Like, chicks leave

guys like you for guys like him.

Thanks for saying that.

I'm not worried, okay? Thank you for worrying.

You guys are freaks.

Well, at least I'm not a fucking eunuch.

You know, at least my girl's not fucking some other guy.

Great, great. You made your point. Let's go.

Get up!

We are out of here right now.

I want to be drunk yesterday. Okay, okay, okay.

Hurry! I'll do it. I'm gonna rush!

I'll call and reschedule.

Thank you.

Nice to see you too.

Where did you go?

That better not be the sink.

Look what I went to the strip club.

I'll read my new book.

Classy.

Let's do it.

You're drunk.

You smell like stripper.

What? We haven't done it in like a week.

I need to talk to you.

You don't love me anymore.

You hate me. You hate me.

You hate me so much.

You hate me. You love me. I love you.

I love you.

Hello?

Hey, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

Can I come over?

Yeah, okay, okay. Come on over.

I'll see you in a second.

Okay?

Okay, bye.

That's Olivia.

She's upset or something.

Do it until she gets beat.

You're going to hurt yourself.

Okay. I'm sorry, though. You didn't want to talk about it.

It's okay. I'm going to come.

I'll just see what's up, and I'll tell her to go home, okay?

God,

I hate my friends sometimes.

I mean, Amy and Kim, they just gang up on me. It's like they don't understand

anything I'm going through. They're just so stupid and judgmental for no reason,

you know?

Do you wanna kiss me?

Maybe.

I wanna kiss you.

Let me tell you something.

I'm a virgin.

Yeah I am.

I just want you to know.

Sam? Hi.

I didn't know you were home. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. Don't feel awkward or bad about this. I'm totally fine with it,

seriously. Are you sure? I mean, I was a little nervous coming over here.

No, yeah, it's totally fine. Don't even worry about it. Have fun tonight.

Are you going to James's?

Yeah.

Doesn't this stuff ever bother you?

Fun. Do you ever feel numb?

I have to go.

What

are

you talking to?

Nobody.

Don't know

Why did you come over so late?

Well, Livia stayed the night with Mason.

Really? Is that some kinky three -way thing for you guys? No, of course not.

was just her and Mason last night.

Yeah, and that's what you guys do, right?

James, spare me the lecture.

It's just fucking weird.

I love being with you, but...

I have no idea what kind of relationship, what kind of future we can

have together. I'm pregnant.

What?

I'm pregnant.

No, this is fucked up. Do you see how this is fucked up? Yeah, I know.

I thought you were on the pill. I am.

I was.

I don't know what happened. I went into the doctor for my yearly exam, and I

don't know, I guess he caught it before I did. I was on antibiotics a few weeks

ago.

So is it mine, then?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Are you going to keep it?

I'm not asking you for anything.

I don't know, part of me does want to keep it.

I'm serious.

I gotta go.

Yeah, maybe that's a good idea.

Hey, Luke. What's up?

I'm sleeping, man. Where are you?

No.

No, don't come by. I gotta get more sleep. Oh, yeah.

Nothing.

Look, I'm watching porno. Leave me alone.

Look, I'll come by later, okay? We can talk about it then.

Okay.

Shut up!

Okay, bye.

You are troubled, young lady.

I had a lot of fun last night. I had a lot of fun last night. Really?

I'm the lucky one.

You made me feel like a teenager again.

Oh, God.

I don't want you to tell Sam what

we did last night.

Why not?

I just don't want her to know that we had sex.

I don't want her to feel uncomfortable or... She won't.

She won't. She doesn't care.

Please.

For me?

Okay.

Alright. I won't tell her. Yeah, I promise.

Swear? I swear.

You pinky swear?

No. Come on. Yeah, I pinky swear. Alright.

Hey, thank you.

I can't believe you invited Jane.

Well, I invited him and Brooke, but Brooke didn't make it.

I couldn't just not invite him.

I promise. You guys are friends now. We are friends now. I just wish you would

have told me that he was coming. That's all. Whatever.

It's not a big deal. Forget about it.

What's going on with you? You've been edgy all night.

I'm busy.

I've been working a lot. You've been acting funny for a while.

Is there something you're not telling me?

No.

Are you having an affair on Mason?

Oh, my God.

Because you'd tell me if you were, right? I'm your sister. You can tell me

anything. Thank you.

You know, I don't understand why you and Mason don't get married.

Honestly.

Someone's going to steal him away.

Okay, well be nice to it.

I'm gonna go get my chips.

Weighted casino quality chips.

Because I'm fucking neurotic.

I had a good time with you last night, but we can't.

No, no, no.

Come on, be adventurous.

Get these personalized so nobody could rip me off.

Nachos, man. Really good. Yeah.

Oh. You son of a bitch.

You know what? I left my phone out in the car. I'll be right back. It's not a

big deal, dude.

Oh. Hey.

Hi. What are you doing here?

I brought beer.

Great. Thanks.

Come on in.

Fuck yeah, it's in, man.

Okay, I officially have no idea what I'm doing. But the thing is, I do have a

69.

Okay, well, you might as well fold because you told everybody what you got.

Whatever.

What's going on between you and Brooke?

Hi, baby.

Yeah, not very well.

I'm in.

I don't think you got interested in me.

For that, I could really use a guy like you.

Alright! Could you wait your turn? I haven't even gone yet. You could be out

the game if you keep playing like this. Well, I'm sure you'll have no more

trouble finding this girl.

Oh, thank you.

But, uh, best ones are always taken.

Uh, you okay?

Why are you drinking water anyway? Have a fucking beer. Lift it up. Beat and

beat. All in. Oh, fucking seriously. You better have a full house or something.

She's bluffing. I'm in.

Fine, you too.

I see him, punkhead.

Two pair.

Freedom and weep.

Three queens.

Bye. Bye.

Yeah, well, let me show you guys how to really play some poker.

I'll go, Flash.

Hey, you'll do it.

Hey, baby.

I don't even know what kind of hand she has. You are quite the hustle, man.

How do you like being married to my gay brother?

I love being married. Do you love being married?

Yeah, yeah. I love being married. You better, you better love being married.

How about you? You got a boyfriend?

Well, actually, there's one guy.

Yeah, he's really cute. I really like him, but I don't know.

Well, he's way older.

I know, right? Yeah.

But he also is kind of dating someone, and he totally had sex with my best

friend. Oh, my God. Best friend's having sex?

Yeah. Not your best friend anymore.

Whatever. You know, I think this guy sounds like bad news, like real bad

Yeah, I know, but the thing is that I've just liked him forever, and not only is

he a hot kisser, but he has a Jesus penis. Okay. You know it.

I don't think he sounds like he's immature at all. He's apparently got a

legendary penis.

I say, go for it. I mean, he sounds like a fucking stud. Are you kidding me? No,

I'm not kidding. Can you guys fucking shut up?

It's making me sick in my stomach. Go get another.

Thank you.

Olivia, you're only young once, all right? Go get on that penis. No, no, no,

no. Honey, honey, good things come to those who wait. I promise you. I mean,

look at you and Samantha.

You guys are like the perfect couple. You're both cute and successful and in

love.

don't just propose to her. It's easy.

Yeah, why don't you marry Sam Mason?

Poker, poker, poker.

All right, is anybody still playing this game? Look, all in.

All in.

Bitches. Oh, bitches.

I'll go all in.

Nice.

What are you going to do, man?

Sorry. When are you planning on telling him?

When I have time to.

There's always something going on. God damn it. You have to tell him. And you

have to tell your sister.

And you gotta stop lying to the people who care about you.

It isn't lying if you just don't mention it.

That is so fucking cool, Sam.

When I saw you at the wedding, and we spent the night together, and I kept

seeing you, I had to deal with the fact that you were in this weird

relationship.

But the reason that I stayed with you was because you were so open and honest,

and you made me feel so alive.

That's why I've been trying to make this work.

I care about you.

I do.

It's okay.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

What did you think I would say?

I don't know.

Were you afraid I would judge you?

I just wanted you to keep looking up to me.

You were always the level -headed one, Sam.

The one who always thought everything through.

I'm the one who rushed into marriage with Luke when everyone told me to wait.

I'm the one everyone thought would have the first kid.

God, maybe you were just jealous of me all along.

Sammy, are you really sure you want to go through with this?

I don't know.

Can I even have a baby right now? I want to start a business. My life would be

over.

I'm about to be Christmas.

You bring your two boyfriends and your baby to dinner, and then mom will start

preaching about the importance of family now.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

We used to be able to tell each other everything, and now there's just

between us.

I'm not even in love with somebody else.

I'm still in love with you.

Then why can't you just talk to him?

Because I know what he would say. He doesn't want kids.

What if it's not his?

I just don't want to hurt him.

Spit it out.

Do it like a man did. He's a big boy. He can take it.

It's harder than that.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing.

Don't look at me like that.

Thanks, Dr.

Phil. Shut up.

Come on.

Sam! Jesus fucking Christ.

I just got off the phone with Allie. That was quick.

I'm just so happy I don't have to keep you guys a secret from her anymore. That

shit was driving me crazy.

Seriously, listen, listen. If you guys need anything, let me know.

Okay?

I'd make an awesome uncle.

Thank you. No problem, kiddo.

Well, now...

I should tell you, the publisher loved Mason's book, thinks it's going to be

huge. Are you serious? Yeah, so I'm going to go in and tell him. That's

I know.

What the fuck? Stop that!

Stop that!

Leave him alone!

Stop it!

No, stop!

Stop it! Fuck you! Get off!

Get your fucking clothes on. Get your fucking clothes on!

How the fuck could you do this?

You two are fucking sick.

Treating people like toys.

Hey, asshole.

You fucking leave my sister alone or I will fucking kill you.

Go. Go.

Stop. You're hurting me. How could you bring a child into this shit? Shut up.

What are you talking about?

He doesn't know?

Get out.

She's pregnant, asshole.

Maybe if you talk to her instead of fucking... Get out!

Should've hit him back.

You know that wouldn't have solved anything.

Fuck! Ow.

Why

didn't you

just tell me?

Why didn't you just tell me about you and Olivia?

Come on, I know you guys have been sleeping together for weeks. Why

just tell me?

Who else knows?

Pet Olivia?

No, about your fucking kid. What do you think?

Allison?

James?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're gonna be fucking sick.

Whose is it?

Is it his?

You know, that's fucking awesome. You're always giving me shit about using

protection. You're such a... Fucking hypocrite. God, that makes two of us.

I'm not fucking pregnant. I don't want a kid. I never did.

I don't want a kid either.

For all I know, this is exactly what you've always wanted.

You're such a...

Yeah. Yeah.

I think I am.

Oh, don't tell me you're jealous.

Oh, I'm not. I'm not jealous. Then why can't we talk anymore? Because I don't

want to talk!

You're such a fucking child. You're such a fucking child!

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Okay, here's my plan.

A big... Fucking push.

50 cities, TV appearances, Leno, Letterman, and I think I can get you on

Sounds good?

Sounds good.

Yeah, it sounds good. It sounds fucking great.

But you've got to come to L .A., darling, even though you are probably

of this town, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah. So many gorgeous girls.

God, look at you two. So cute, all dressed up like real men.

My son, Keaton, is about your age. I can't get him to tie his... fucking

much less write a book or manage or whatever you do. I don't know. I just

settle down.

I guess life's just a shitload of fun when you're up to your neck in poontang.

Okay, we've got work to do, darling.

Why don't you have your undertaker go down to the lobby for a few minutes?

need our privacy.

Catherine, pleasure as always. Till next time.

What is his fucking problem? Jeez.

Catherine, I gotta go.

I'm sorry. I'll be back.

Do not keep me waiting.

Okay.

Yeah.

Luke, come on. Hold up.

Give me a second. As soon as this fucking deal goes through, I'm no longer

manager.

Bullshit. I can't fucking work with you anymore.

I can't be friends with you anymore.

That's it. All right. I said I was sorry. I apologize.

I fucked up. What do you want me to say? I don't fucking believe you.

I can't trust you.

I'm done.

Olivia's an adult, okay? She knows what she's getting into. Shut your fucking...

Just shut your fucking mouth. Don't...

Goddammit, why'd you fucking do it?

Of all the people in the world you could have fucked around with, my little

sister?

You... What the fuck were you thinking? We were bros.

You were my best fucking friend, Bruce. No, you're fucking not.

I lied to you.

I lied to my wife for you, and this is how you fucking repay me?

I know Olivia only fucked you to get at me, but it doesn't change the fact that

you still did it.

You're not a good guy, man.

You're not.

You use people.

You exploit their lives for your trashy novels.

I used to think I was doing you a favor, helping you sell that shit, but it

turns out you were just using me.

Like you fucking use everyone.

That is not true.

You know, Allie told me the only reason Sam stays with you is out of pity.

Do you know that?

Fuck you.

You're like a charity case for her.

Who else would stay with such an ineffectual fuck?

You don't even have the balls to commit to the one person who can tolerate you.

Better get back.

Don't want to miss your date.

Have a lonely fucking life.

I haven't been walking all day fast. I know I cursed at your name and then

laughed. I know I sounded a name to Ben Katz. The server threw the grovel and

framed the same task.

I got a figure, it can't hurt to ask. The sense of disbelief and uniquely free

flash. Admission of the safely shaken, not flat.

30 ,000 and dropping, it's on the clock and it lasts.

Get me in the sky, that's all that I...

Keep me in the sky.

You got a good hit in.

I landed a good punch.

What were you thinking, Mason?

God, I've known Jeremy since kindergarten.

He's a fifth -degree black belt.

Why were you kissing him?

Oh, I always hook up with Jeremy. It doesn't mean anything.

Oh, my God.

Did you think he was, like, the only one?

Did you think we were, like, going steady or something?

You don't know what you're doing.

Well, isn't this what you and Sam do?

Have fun, hook up with other people.

I can't believe you're jealous.

What a fucking double standard.

Shut up.

That is fucking killing me.

Stop laughing. Okay.

Oh, God, Mason.

Luke swore he'd tell my parents if he found out that we were still seeing each

other. I know my parents would freak out and make me move back home.

Besides... My girls told me that I shouldn't be seeing you anyway because

going to be a dad soon.

I mean, you can't have a girlfriend, a kid, and me.

Besides, it's kind of weird dating a dad.

Ugh.

I'll leave her. I'll leave her for you.

Oh, Jesus. If that's what you want, I will. No. Seriously, you'd be nothing

without her.

But I love you.

I love you, too, but I'm not in love with you.

And I don't want a boyfriend.

You dumping me?

Come, Mason.

Why do you have to be so serious all the time?

Not like you could really call this dating.

And the other day I was in the park watching these kids play and I just

crying out of nowhere.

Can you believe that?

I never cry.

What the hell is wrong with me?

You know, you've got some crazy decisions to make.

Why does life have to be so fucking complicated?

Because sometimes love just isn't enough.

You speak English?

Hey.

Thanks for coming.

Seems like something we should do.

So this is where we fight over the girl.

What are you drinking?

Mojito?

You get some beers over here? Yeah, I'll be right over.

She kept

asking

me out. She asked me out.

Four or five times before I finally said yes. You know, I was canceling on her.

I had plans.

I was busy.

Persistent.

Persistent woman.

She is.

Yeah, she's the kind of girl who knows what she wants and doesn't stop until

she's got it. All right, guys, here you go.

Well, there's the shot. All right,

here's to Mason and his new books.

Thanks, man. All right.

I mean, not in the dirty way. Well, that too. That too. But I just, I love, I

love the way they look.

I love the way they talk.

I love how they smell.

I love how they taste.

I love getting to know them, you know. I do. I like trying to understand them

because they're all so different.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, it's true.

It's fucking... To women.

To women!

All right. All right. Another round. Another round. Shot. Shot. And then I

story. All right.

You know what they call this guy? You know why they call this guy Boner

When this guy was in college, middle of the night, fire alarm goes off. No, no,

no. If you're going to tell it, you got to tell it the right way. I am telling

it the right way, okay? I'm a writer, all right?

I'm an important writer.

Sit down.

So fire alarm goes off, right? And there are all these horny dudes.

Ambling around, you know, trying to get a look at their little girls with their

little pajamas.

And smack dab in the middle of this hormonal fray is this one lone

with this big, bulging fucking ramrod just sticking out for all the world to

see. I wasn't exposed.

I had silk boxers on, and it's a natural occurrence. Ladies and gentlemen, the

legend of Bona Baxter.

It's a blessing and a curse.

what your problem is? No, what?

You're so traditional.

You always do exactly what you think you're supposed to do.

Well, at least my life isn't scattered.

You will never really be in love because you will never be satisfied with

anyone. You want too much. I bet your plan is to be married by 30.

Well, I used to think that. Married at 30.

Missed at 40.

Porsche at 50, retired at 60, and then... What a fucking life.

Cheers to that. Cheers to that.

You know, you are scared to death of marriage.

You feel trapped by it. Whoa, thank you, Jesus, for coming into this room right

now and explaining my fucking life to me. Who made you Sigmund fucking Freud?

How do you know anything about me? When did the therapist walk into the bar? I

miss that.

I think I had three beers ago.

Thank you. I really appreciate that, man, coming from, you know, wise James

here. Jesus Christ. All of those names apply.

You're just, you're not very open -minded.

That's the problem.

You're right.

But I am working on that. Working on it? Yeah. But you know what I am?

I am a realist.

What does that even mean?

It means that you live in fucking fantasy land. Fantasy land?

What the fuck is fantasy? Is that a strip club?

The life you live, the life you are living does not function in this

No, you're wrong. You're wrong on this one, all right?

You guys are fucking assholes. Guys just want to get laid.

No, see, that's not always true.

Kiss.

I love her. I really... Do.

And this is fucking weird because you're her boyfriend.

And I'm telling you this and we're not hitting each other.

Hell, well, I'm not so good at fights.

I got your back, amigo.

So, what are we going to do, mate?

I don't know, man.

Are you here?

What are you doing?

It's supposed to be you and me against the world, Sam.

What happened?

What were you looking for?

I'm gonna kill my everything.

I've had it for years. I don't know why I never gave it to you. I'm sorry.

I just... What do you say?

You know how I feel about marriage.

Yeah, well, you know how I feel about kids, but I'm still here.

So I just want to make you happy.

I'm going to quit drinking. Okay, I promise.

I'll never see her again. I'll never see any of them again. You can see James if

you want. I don't care. You can... Please, can we just start over?

What do you say?

Do you really want me to tell you the truth?

Sure, we could get married.

And we can have a bed that's big enough for you and me and James and the

baby.

And we can even throw Olivia in there if you want.

We'll all live happily ever after.

And it'll be fun.

It's not your kid, Mason.

It's it.

Are you relieved?

Maybe.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

And that final night, as we lay together, I came to realize that she

me anymore.

I was the one that needed her, the one that needed all of them.

The next morning, she was gone, but her whiskey sweat and the stench of oiled

leather lingered for weeks.

I never knew Bola emotionally, but at least I knew her physically, and for a

like me, I take what I can get.

Thanks, Doug, for letting me read your inspired story through the class. I'm

looking forward to reading everybody's papers.

If you haven't turned them in yet, you just put them in my box so I can get to

them by the midterm.

Okay.

Your lecture was really great, Mason.

Thanks, Jenny.

A bunch of us are going to the gaslight later if you want to grab a beer.

There's some other time.

I have work to do.

All right.

We'll miss you.

And it's not my place to speak of these things. I know it's bad luck and

curses it brings.

But it's impossible for me to avoid.

Oh, let your love, I think I have destroyed.

And I really should just let it go.

It's clearly a...

I should be cold. I should be detached.

Oh, but you will never fall for that.

Thank you.

That's the message I want to transmit.

Dr. Roy, I want you to know.

I want you

to

go home.

Your search complete.

The clouds are here.

We are time to dance.

Check your watches.

Let all hair down.

We are in pull.

Yeah.

Hey girls, you might recognize me from your dreams. I want to buy you

Picardy silver.

Relax.

I'm so good at sex.

I'm so good at sex.

I'm so good at sex with you.

I'm so good at sex. I'm so good at sex. I'm so good at sex with you.

Yeah.

Ooh.

It's not broke, though, is it?

Awful sexy.

Girl, don't deny what is you want.

I'm so good at sex.

I'm so good at sex.

I'm so good at sex with you.

I'm so good at sex. I'm so good at sex. I'm so good at sex with you.

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

American lady loves to dance.

Take my hand, ladies.

Romance.

Well, well, well, well.

Look at what I have here.

Girls dressed from all week worth.

Cubicles.

Water cooler.

Me becoming party.

Physical fitness.

Take riding a skelly.

Take my apartment mansion top.

Feel leather jacket.

Do not show you my secret.

I'm so good at sex.

I'm so good at sex. I'm so good at sex with you.

Dance, dance, romance.

Just give the clothes a chance. Dance, dance, romance.

Let the clothes into your pants.

Go ahead.

Do no regret.

Share your plans.

I will continue.

I'll do a hundred push -ups a day.

Michael and Oprah's make me strong.

So many moons.

No more than 30 seconds.

Number one, 100 % a -okay.

What do you say?

I'm so good at sex.

I'm so good at sex.

I'm so good at sex with all the girls.