Original subtitles

♪ There is more to life Than what you're living ♪

♪ So take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path we take And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life Brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life Around the bend ♪♪

Ah. Oh! Angela!

Angela, it should fit. It says right here,

"Suitable for any style sofa, from Sears Best to Louis XIV."

Oh, Mother, I hope it wasn't a mistake

taking this account.

How do you market an obscure, ugly product

that no one has ever heard of?

Hey,

you got the Beeman no-slip slipcovers,

huh?

You've heard of them?

Heard of them? They're great.

Everybody in the old neighborhood's got these.

Hey.

These are great.

Oh... And in the summertime, you can blow these up

and take them to the beach.

Hey, Mom,

I've got something great for show and tell.

Well, that's nice, sweetheart.

What is it?

Here.

Oh, my God! What is that?

A tattoo, Mom, just like Tony's got.

Watch her wiggle.

Well, maybe when I'm older.

Where did you get that?

Did you get drunk on shore leave?

Did you do that to him?

Angela, it's just a little decal.

It's going to wash right off.

Jonathan, you go right upstairs and you take that off.

I do not want that shown and told.

Well, what am I going to take?

Oh, darling, why don't you take

this lovely authentic Chinese carving?

Do you get egg roll with that?

Hey, can I take

Tony's baseball cap from the big leagues?

You got it, pal.

All right!

The kid idolizes me.

Who can blame him?

Tony?

Yeah?

If he ever comes home with a real tattoo...

We'll make sure it says "Mom."

Hi, guys.

Hey, Tony, watch this.

Sam, hit me as hard as you can.

Yeah?

Okay.

Oh!

Not there, here.

Oh, hey.

What? Have you been doing a lot of sit-ups there, kid?

That's pretty good.

No, uh-uh. Look.

I really fooled you, didn't I, Tony?

Yeah, yeah.

Where'd you get that hubcap?

Me and Joey Dinkman found it.

You found it? Found it where?

In the street.

Yeah?

Right by the curb.

Yeah?

On a car.

Oh, Jonathan!

You stole it?

Well, it's not really stealing.

It's... it's a prank.

It's a prank. Yeah, yeah.

Just like the prank Jesse James played

on the Missouri Railroad?

Yeah.

Sit down, sit down!

Jonathan,

when you take something that belongs to somebody else,

that is stealing, and it's wrong.

Now, where'd you ever get a dumb idea like this?

From you.

What do you mean, from me?

I never told you to do that.

Remember? You and your friends ripping off the street signs?

Oh, he's got you there, Dad.

Jonathan, when I did that I was nothing but a dumb kid.

That's what I am.

Jonathan,

when I did it, it was stealing too,

and let me tell you something.

My old man made me sweat out a whole night in jail

for that.

Here, Sam, want a hubcap?

No way. I'm not going to be your fence.

All right, Jonathan, I'll tell you what.

The first thing tomorrow morning we're getting up

and we're going down to the police station

and we're going to tell them what you did.

I'll try and find out who this belongs to.

It sort of belongs to them.

You stole this from a police car?

Well, not the real police. The Oak Hills Patrol.

Are they going to put me in jail?

It's a first offense.

Are you going to do this again?

No, never, I promise.

I'm sorry I did it this time, Tony.

All right, I know you are. All right, now, look,

you go up in your room

and you think about what you did, Jonathan.

And hey, that Dinkman kid, he's out, he's off limits.

Could you believe this?

Yeah. The Oak Hills patrol drive Mercedes.

Hey, Sam, what do you think?

How am I going to tell Angela about Jonathan?

You mean Babyface Bower?

I know she's going to come down real hard on him,

and he got that whole dumb idea from me in the first place.

Well, why don't you do what me and Mom used to do?

What was that?

Don't tell.

When did you do that?

Remember the time I broke the window at St. Catherine's?

No.

See, it works.

Oh, you.

Hi.

Oh, hey, Angela, hi.

What happened to "Hi, extended family, I'm home"?

"Beeman the Bland," the slipcover man,

hated every bright idea that we presented to him.

We scheduled an emergency meeting tomorrow

to beg him to give us another chance.

I don't think things could get any worse.

Want to bet?

Kids.

Oh, I just want to go upstairs,

I want to take a hot bath,

I want to forget about my day.

How are things around here?

Why do you ask?

No reason.

Why do you ask why I ask?

No reason.

Things are, you know, the same around here.

The same old grind.

It's so quiet around here, it's a crime.

It's more like a prank.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, Mother.

What's this?

Well, it looks like a Mercedes candy dish.

Who ate all the candy?

Oh, Angela, I've got to level with you.

I ate it, but I've got more.

The bell. Here you go.

Ooh, it's so funky.

It looks very authentic.

Bloomingdale's.

Oh, boy.

Hi.

Hey, any chance you're organizing a neighborhood watch?

No.

You're collecting Toys 4 Tots?

Is this the Bower residence?

Yes, it is, Officer.

I'm Angela Bower. What can I do for you?

What have you got there, ma'am?

It's candy. Would you like some?

It's a rather unusual candy dish.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

I used to have a set of four.

You did?

Okay, lady,

you want to give me back my hubcap?

What hubcap?

Oh, my God. This is a hubcap?

My hubcap.

Well, look, here you go. Thanks for stopping by.

Keep the candy. Don't worry about it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's going on around here?

At approximately 3:45 this afternoon,

as I was emerging from the croissant shop,

your son and another boy

absconded with two of my hubcaps.

Oh, no, Officer, there must be a mistake.

Uh-uh.

No?

No.

I don't know what to say.

I'm so sorry.

We're not that kind of family, really.

I am a solid tax-paying citizen.

I am also

a member in good standing of the Oak Wood Country Club.

Right, mother?

I've never seen this woman before in my life.

Mother, be serious.

Look, we were going to bring this back in the morning.

We?

You mean you knew about this?

Well, I guess I can overlook it this time,

as long as you assure me

that you'll have a talk with your son?

Oh, yes, Officer, I will.

Thank you very, very much, Officer.

Thank you.

You knew about this, and you didn't say anything?

Well, I was going to tell you later.

Later? When?

When Jonathan's doing 10 to 20 in Leavenworth?

Angela, pull yourself together.

I mean, the kid didn't knock over a 7-11.

It's just a case of "boys will be boys."

Boys will be boys.

Boys will be boys? Jonathan?

Angela, can't we talk about this?

I am the boy's mother.

I'll get to the bottom of this. Jonathan, come down here!

I can't. Tony told me to stay in my room.

Uh-oh.

Come on down, champ.

Sweetheart, sit down.

No, you can sit. Sit, sit, please.

Honey, Mommy wants to talk to you.

Now, why did you steal the hubcap, darling?

Were you troubled?

I don't think so.

Well, did something happen in school?

No.

It's me, then, isn't it?

I'm away from you too much during the day

and you wanted my attention?

No, I wanted a hubcap.

Well, so much for Psych 101.

Mother.

Now, Angela, here's the thing...

and you know, you just might get a kick out of this.

Careful, Tony. You might too.

That's enough, Mother.

Well, no, Angela, really,

you see, I told... Come here, buddy...

I told Jonathan about the time

me and Johnny Chacha took a street sign.

You stole a street sign?

Well, we didn't really steal it.

What we did was, we moved it to a new location.

And, you know, this is the funny part...

Here, sit down...

This is where it gets funny.

See, the sign said, "Easy Access,"

so what we did was we nailed it

under Roseanne Ladorsina's bedroom window.

Boy, I bet that did wonders for her social life.

Forget about it, Mona. Her stock soared.

Oh, I get it.

No, you don't.

Sit down.

Jonathan, we have a very serious problem here,

and I want you to tell me what you think I should do about it.

Send me to my room.

I mean I did the crime, I'll do the time.

Right, Tony?

Where does he pick these things up?

Go to your room.

Angela, look, I'm sorry.

Sometimes kids get the wrong idea.

No, Tony, it's all right. It's not your fault.

It's mine.

I should be raising my son, not leaving it to...

someone else.

Oh, hey. Hey, yo. What are you saying?

You don't like the way I'm handling Jonathan?

Well, with all due respect, Tony,

let's look at the track record.

The tattoo, the hubcap,

"I did the crime, I'll do the time."

He's talking like he's Sylvester Stallone.

Angela, that ain't fair.

Isn't fair.

What'd you become, an English teacher in your spare time?

Tony, that isn't necessary.

You don't need to talk to me like I'm...

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait just a minute here.

Now, you two have got to work together.

Angela, you are in the office in New York all day.

Tony is here alone with Jonathan all day.

My work is never done.

See, the thing is

that the two of you are kind of like a team.

I'm like the quarterback out on the field.

Yeah, and I'm kind of like the coach,

and from now on, I send in the plays.

Angela, what, are you kidding me?

You can't run this place from there.

I run the Chicago office

and I run the Los Angeles office.

Let's consider this the Connecticut office.

From now on, I want to be consulted

about everything that concerns Jonathan.

Oh, come on, Angela.

Tony, you are not the boy's father.

I am.

Now, wait a minute.

How am I supposed to function like this, Mona?

What am I going to do?

Every time Jonathan wants something, I check with her?

I'll be calling her every five minutes.

It's gonna drive her nuts.

Well, Tony, she is the boss, huh?

So why don't you give the little lady what she wants?

Ooh, Mona.

Hello?

Yes, Tony, what is it?

Angela, we got a big problem here,

and I knew you'd want to be consulted.

Well, thank you, Tony. Fill me in.

Jonathan wants a mid-morning snack.

Well, does he usually have one?

Well, that all depends on how long it is before lunch.

Well, how long is it before lunch?

Oh, that's another thing, Angela.

When should I feed him?

Give him a snack

and then give him his lunch later.

Oh, now, why didn't I figure that out?

Gee, you know, you make it look so easy.

Thank you, coach.

Bye.

Anybody home?

Oh, Mr. Beeman, how nice to see you again.

Please, sit down.

Thank you.

Isn't it a beautiful day?

I don't like small talk. Me neither.

I don't like beating around the bush.

Neither do I.

And I don't like your advertising.

Oh, dear.

Excuse me.

It's Saturday, and there's no secretary.

Hello?

Yes, Tony.

Yes, an apple sounds fine.

Well, then, give him a banana.

Well, what do we have?

Well, then, give him that.

Goodbye.

I'm so sorry.

There was a problem in the Connecticut office.

Where were we?

He hates our advertising.

Oh, that. Don't worry, Mr. Beeman,

we have something

that I think you're really going to like.

Like it? You'll love it. Trust me.

It's hot, it's high concept, it's got sizzle.

Oh, speaking of sizzle,

I have come up with my own slogan.

This is very catchy.

"Buy Beeman furniture covers."

And then I thought we would show them

our factory in Toledo.

That's our big one.

Yes, with the very nice smokestacks.

Notice how well...

I'm sorry, I won't be a minute.

Hello?

Yes, Tony.

I'm in an important meeting. Can't it wait until I get home?

Uh, well, did you give him a drink of water?

You did?

Um, tell him to hold his breath and swallow three times.

Well, did you try scaring him?

All right, all right. Put him on.

Well, just put him on.

Boo!

I'm so sorry. Where were we?

Hey, buddy, where are you going?

Oh, out to play.

With who?

A friend.

A friend? Not that Joey Dinkman kid?

I have to. I promised.

Uh-uh. I told you that Dinkman kid's off limits.

You hang out with him,

you'll end up in big trouble.

Okay, Tony, if you say so.

That's my buddy. Oh, okay.

Boing!

Hi, Mom. Guess who this is?

Hello, sweetheart.

Of course you can go play with your little friend.

Yes, and don't forget to wear a jacket,

and don't forget to look both ways

when crossing.

Yes, dar...

Yes, I love you too. All right. Bye-bye.

Mr. Bee... Mr. Beeman?

I can't go on like this, Claudia.

But, Rod, he means nothing to me.

Nothing.

How can you expect me to believe you?

Would these eyes lie?

Hi, Mother.

Oh, hi.

Just listening to the McNeil-Lehrer Report.

Kiss me, you fool.

I've always wondered about those two.

Well, we thrashed it out with Mr. Beeman,

and we came up with a slogan that I think

really has a nice ring to it.

"Buy Beeman furniture covers."

Well, set that to music, you got a big hit.

Uh-oh, the fuzz.

Where are they, Mrs. Bower?

Who?

Butch and Sundance.

At 4:37 this afternoon,

two juveniles, male Caucasian,

broke and entered Oak Valley Elementary.

One was Joey Dinkman, a.k.a. The Dink.

How do you know that?

Even his mother calls him that.

No, I meant how did you know it was Joey?

He spray-painted his name on all of the walls.

Bright kid.

The description of the other boy

matches your son.

I'm sorry,

but this time it's public property.

I'm gonna have to call the real cops.

You know, the guys with bullets.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, Officer, no, there must be some mistake.

It could not have been Jonathan.

You see, Tony told him

that he couldn't play with Joey Dinkman.

Joey Dinkman?

Oh, no, Mother.

I told him he could.

He called me at the office.

He asked me if he could play with his little friend,

and I said, "Yes."

Angela, how could you?

I was in the middle of an important meeting,

and I wasn't paying attention.

What kind of a parent am I?

Well, better than you think,

because you were smart enough to hire Tony,

and this time he was smart enough

not to listen to you.

He didn't let him go?

That's right, coach.

This time he called his own play,

and Jonathan is in his room,

and he has been there all afternoon.

He has?

He has.

Hmm.

You're sure about this?

Would these eyes lie?

Hey, champ.

You still mad at me?

Kind of.

Oh, come on, Jonathan.

You know why I didn't let you play

with Joey the Dink, don't you?

Because I love you.

And because I happen to know

they serve broccoli at Leavenworth.

Yeah, but Joey's going to think

I'm a sissy for not showing up today.

Well, he might, buddy, but you know something?

Eventually you got to stand up and be your own man.

I'll give you an example.

Look at me, huh?

I'm the only housekeeper on the block

who don't shave his legs.

Well, wait a minute. Except for Vivienne.

But do you think that I care

what the Joey Dinkmans of the world say?

Yeah, but you're tough,

and you've got a tattoo and everything.

Yeah, well, Jonathan, let me tell you something.

This tattoo, it doesn't make me tough.

It makes me too stupid to know any better,

stupid and scared.

You, scared?

That's right, scared.

I was afraid that if I didn't do

what my buddies were doing,

then I wouldn't have any buddies.

I know what you mean. You do, huh?

But you know what I figured out?

As I grew older,

I learned that your true friends,

the guys that really count,

the guys that care about you,

they take you for what you are and what you're not.

You get it?

And sweetheart, one other thing.

Real friends will forgive you

even when you've acted like a jerk.

You mean like stealing hubcaps?

Yes...

and when you say things to people that you care about

that you don't really mean.

Yeah, and while we're talking,

you know, when you tell stories

that you should have

kept your big mouth shut.

I'd sure like to have a friend like that.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, let's put an ad in the personals.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

You know, Tony,

I'm not without understanding in these matters.

It was just a childhood impulse, and everybody's had them.

Everybody?

Yes, Tony, even me.

Oh, I remember one time at Miss Prescott's day school...

I'm all ears.

All the girls hated Miss Prescott,

so one day I sneaked into her classroom.

And?

And I ran up to her desk,

and I tore the day's page off her calendar.

You didn't?

Oh, I did, and even though it was Monday,

she kept thinking it was Tuesday all day long.

Oh, I get it.

She probably got confused,

and she missed a lot of appointments, huh?

No, but she might have.

Angela, can I go to bed now?

You madcap prankster, you.

Well... Hey, what's this on your shirt?

Bingo.