Original subtitles

♪ There is more to life Than what you're living ♪

♪ So take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path we take And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪

Okay, book busters,

let's move it, let's hit it. Let's do it!

You got everything?

Gym shorts? Check!

Homework? Check!

Science project?

Samantha?

Don't worry, Dad, I've got everything.

School books, lunch money, and homework.

Check, check, check. Ice skates for Marci's party?

Oops, you got me.

That's why I have this.

Tony, we'd better get going.

That film studio's all the way over in Brooklyn.

Your carriage awaits, madam, but do you have everything?

You bet I do.

I have the most important new account in my career.

I have Lankershim Cosmetics,

and I have the client eating out of my hand.

Do you have your portfolio?

I don't have that.

Sweetheart, isn't that a wonderful prehistoric...

thing?

Have a good day in school. Bye.

Well, I'm all ready.

Okay, here's your lunch money, buddy.

Remember, if you talk science,

keep that receipt. It's a write-off, all right?

And I hope they really like your little volcano.

Yeah, for show-and-tell,

he's gonna sacrifice a Barbie doll.

Give me a kiss.

All right, be good in school.

Okay, bye!

Hi! Hi, Mona!

Hi, short people.

Mona? Mona, Mona...

No, I don't see you on my list.

No? Well... Now I'm on it.

Right next to "take out trash."

That's not "trash," that's "Trish,"

but you're close.

Well, so today's the big day, huh?

Lights, camera... action!

Hello, Mother. You can't go with me.

Aw, Angela...

Do you think that that's why I'm here?

Why can't I go with you?

Because presidents of advertising agencies

don't take their mommies to work with them.

Well, don't think of me as your mommy.

Think of me as a stockholder.

I just invested in Lankershim Cosmetics.

Mother, how sweet.

You have that much faith in my deodorant campaign?

No.

Advertising campaigns come and go,

but sweat is forever.

Come on, Angela. Let her go.

We won't get in the way.

We?

Yes. You won't even know we're there.

Ooh, look at this, look at this.

A movie studio, huh?

I can feel the magic in the air.

Hey, look.

They make it look just like a real bathroom.

It's clean, it's clean,

it's not very private, but it's clean.

Now, Angela, don't worry about a thing.

We're gonna stay right out of the way

over here in the corner,

so go over there and act important.

Make a decision.

I already made one, but you came anyway.

Uh, she's the president, you know.

You wouldn't have a job without her.

I'm a lucky guy. Who are these people?

Herb, this is my mother, Mona Robinson.

Oh, your mother?

Without you I wouldn't have a job.

And my housekeeper, Tony Micelli.

Hey, how are you doing?

Housekeeper?

You know, you could call me the maid...

but I wouldn't.

No, no, housekeeper's my first choice.

How about those Jets, huh?

Best behavior, you two. This is the client.

Mr. Larson. Good morning.

Hello, Angela.

Well, today's the day we make a household word

out of Machismo Scented Seven-Day Deodorant Shower Gel.

I like the way you think.

And you must be our Machismo Man.

Oh, no, no, no, this is Tony Micelli.

He's... Perfect.

Thank you.

He's my housekeeper, Mr. Larson.

We have an actor, Lance Wetherby.

He's in makeup.

Go tell Wetherby to take the curlers out of his hair

and go home.

This man has that Machismo look.

You bet he does.

Who are you?

I'm his agent, "Swifty" Robinson.

Smile, Tony.

I think you're about to be discovered.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You mean they want me to be in the commercial?

Yeah. Flex.

I'll work out the negotiations.

We're almost ready to roll here.

JJ, we've had a little change here.

Tony Micelli is going to be our Machismo Man.

I am? I'm gonna be the Machismo Man!

But Mr. Larson, Tony is not an actor.

Aw, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I was a camel

in my third-grade Christmas play.

Vivian Lordasino was the other hump.

I'm sure you were great, bubele,

but this is the big time, huh?

Uh... Listen, uh, JJ?

Yeah?

Did Angela tell me you did that commercial

on Youthful You fade cream?

Yeah, that won me a Clio award.

Well, I'm sure if you can work with dancing liver spots,

you can work with Tony.

Work with him, JJ.

Work with me, JJ!

Okay, take your shirt off, bubele.

Just a minute. Keep your shirt on.

Mr. Larson, are you sure?

Angela, I like an agency that goes for the unexpected,

that's willing to take chances.

Like I said, bubele, take your shirt off.

Okay, Tony, babe, this is just a rehearsal now, okay?

You're in the shower.

You're really feeling good.

You know you're not gonna smell for a week.

You do your spiel with the product,

you get out, you towel off,

and then we're in the arms of your lady.

What lady?

And they pay you too?

Ginger, honey.

Okay, now, you come in, you see him...

he's wet, he's sexy... he's really smelling good.

For a week.

I'll do the jokes, babe.

Now, you get one whiff and you lose control.

Okay? Okay.

Here we go.

That's great, that's great, sweetheart.

Nuzzle his ear, nuzzle his ear.

Oh, you... you nuzzle great.

Yeah, well,

you move your hand one more inch,

and they'll be calling you Van Gogh.

That's great, that's great.

Now, Ginger, honey,

now let's have your line.

I like it too.

Perfect! Okay, from the top.

Places. Here we go.

Here we go. Your robe.

Attaboy. Here we go...

All right. Let's see some suds, Tony.

Hey! What the... Now, Tone... Yeah?

Just act natural.

Do whatever it is you do in the shower.

Anything I do?

Yeah.

Except sing. No singing.

You want a donut, Angela?

Don't talk to me.

Well, that's gratitude for you.

I mean, I brought you your new star.

You're gonna change your tune

when we're packing for the Love Boat.

Bon voyage, Mother.

Okay, just read what you see on the cue cards, okay?

Okay.

Here we go. Ready? And... Action.

Sure... You probably shower every day,

but even if you didn't, no one would know...

not if...

not if you use new Machismo

Scented Seven-Day Steeodorant Shower Gel.

That's protection.

Cut!

Excuse me.

I have to go and call my broker

and dump some stock.

Tony? Yeah?

What's this face...?

What is that? What? Are you in pain?

Bathing suit a little too tight?

Okay. Let's try it again.

Loose... Natural.

Okay. Okay.

That's it.

Loose. I can do it.

Let's pick it up from there.

Loose, man.

So no matter how hot... And sweaty I get,

I know I'm covered, heh, with Mac...

With Machismo.

I like it, too.

Okay, cut.

That's lunch.

Bernie? Get me out of Lankershim Cosmetics.

I don't care what E.F. Hutton says.

When Mona talks, you listen.

So, Angela, how was I?

Looser.

Much looser...

Somehow I don't think we captured your, uh...

quiet brilliance.

Quiet brilliance?

JJ. Yeah?

Can I have a word with you?

I think I have an idea.

My man uses Machismo Scented Seven-Day Deodorant Shower Gel,

so I know no matter how hard he works

or no matter how hot and sweaty he gets,

I know my man's covered... with Machismo.

I like it too.

Okay, cut!

That's perfect!

That's a wrap.

We'll do product and stills tomorrow.

Beautiful.

Angela, if sex sells soap, and we know it does,

we're gonna clean up.

We're gonna get shot in the fanny with nickels.

I can hardly wait.

Hello, Bernie?

Put everything I've got into Lankershim Cosmetics.

Yeah. Buy, buy, buy.

Bye.

Oh, boy.

Dad, tell us about the commercial!

All right, sit down, sit down.

Well, there's really not much to tell.

All I had to do was take a shower,

and I got plenty of practice doing that in the minor leagues.

Oh, Tony, don't be modest.

Your dad was terrific.

I mean, when he lathered up, I got goose flesh.

Well, you know, I did do some pretty interesting things

with them bubbles, eh?

Dad, what are you doing?

You look like you need a flea collar.

I need something, man. I've got this itch.

Scratch over there. Scratch lower.

You, higher. Higher, higher. Higher! Scratch!

Tony, you've got a terrible rash.

Look at this! I'm burning up.

Dad, what's wrong? Oh, my God.

Tony, what if it's from the Machismo?

You don't think... What else?

Boy, am I glad I wore that little bathing suit.

Here, is this good?

No, lower, lower, lower.

Hello! I'm home!

Uh, we're in the kitchen.

Hello, wonderful people!

I love my life.

Have a nice day at the office, dear?

Sublime.

Tony, you were great.

I don't know what you've got, but it's something.

And I have a feeling

you haven't even scratched the surface yet.

Yeah, well, I'm glad it worked out, Angela, but...

Worked out?

Machismo Man speak truth.

We are finally in solid with Lankershim Cosmetics!

Yeah, well, that's good, because, uh...

Ooh, ooh!

What is going... What is going on here?

Man... Angela, you may have noticed

that there's something a little different

about Tony...

Well, do you know that expression

"into each life a little rain must fall"?

Yeah?

Well, get out your galoshes. We're talking monsoon here.

Angela, I've got a rash

all over my body, everywhere.

Look at this.

All over your body?

Well, except for

where the little bathing suit was.

Angela! Tony!

My stars are here.

Wait till you see the stuff

we shot yesterday.

Sensational!

That's nice, but, uh... Mr. Larson,

I have something to tell you

that's a little painful for me.

Painful for you? Ha.

Well, what's the problem?

Show him, Tony.

Whoa... that's a bad rash.

Yeah, and he's got it all over his body...

not that I've seen it.

You see, the thing is, uh...

I got this from that Machismo gunk.

What makes you say that?

Well, I sent the gunk to a lab,

and I had it analyzed.

Oh.

And they say that we can expect this result

in two percent of the people who use it.

Good.

Good?

Our fellas said three percent. Let's go with your numbers.

Hey, wait a minute.

Are you saying you knew about this?

Mr. Larson, I know

that there are some considerable risks

with these products,

but I'm a little uncomfortable with this.

I may have to resign the account.

Yeah, me too.

I'm hanging up my towel.

Oh, now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Aren't the two of you overreacting?

Why, even God makes products that are bad for some people.

If my cousin Susie even looks at seafood,

she swells up like a blowfish,

but you don't see God recalling shrimp.

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Larson, that's true,

but this stuff could irritate a lot of people.

So can Joan Rivers, but she keeps working...

and so do we.

We keep trying to improve our product,

and, Angela,

you just keep doing the advertising,

and by the way,

you're doing a damn fine job.

Well, thank you.

And you know,

Lankershim has a lot of other products

that I'd like to get your thoughts on.

I'd love to see how you would handle

a really big account.

How big?

Our dandruff shampoo.

That big.

You add that to Machismo,

and we're talking $10 million.

Maybe we could have lunch.

Hey. Ten million dollars for dandruff?

That's a lot of flaky people, huh?

And we're gonna take care of your problem, Tony.

You are?

Sure. Next commercial, we're gonna use a phony gel.

Then I gotta say I'm using something I'm not.

Well, we could have another actor

collect all those residuals...

Three, four thousand dollars a month.

Ooh. Gee, I could finally junk that old van.

I think you ought to sleep on it, Tony.

I could get myself a convertible.

I'd hate to see you throw all this away

just because of a little itch.

That would be a rash decision.

"This was the kind of woman you fantasize about...

"only this was no fantasy.

"She was six feet tall and all girl.

"She slithered toward me,

"her size-36 gown...

"was hugging her size-38 body.

Well, it was easy to see she wasn't concealing a weapon."

Oh, gosh, there's the car.

Now, look, if anybody asks,

you've been asleep an hour and a half

and I read to you from the Hardy Boys.

Now, beat it.

Thanks, Grandma.

Good night, Mona.

Oh, and we won't mention the hot fudge sundaes either.

Amo... Amas... Amamus... Amamus?

Hello, Mother.

Are the kids asleep?

Oh, yes, for hours.

So, how did it go with Mr. Larson?

Oh, fine.

Fine, fine.

You know, fine.

Actually, pretty good.

Yeah, he gave her dandruff.

The account.

Oh.

You mean instead of the Machismo account?

Well, no, I'll kind of be working on both of them.

Oh... Didn't you show him the rash?

Well, you know, what was left of it.

It's clearing up fast.

As soon as my legs, my stomach, and my back clear up,

it's gone.

And my arms.

I see.

So he is not taking it off the market?

No, not exactly. He's improving it.

Yeah, which is more than God's doing.

He's not doing a thing about shrimp.

Shrimp? I smell something fishy.

What do you mean?

You both sold out.

We did not.

The dandruff account is just a little bonus.

Yeah, right.

And Tony's little bonus

is parked out back in the driveway.

What?

Mm-hmm. Here.

He bought me a car!

He bought me a car!

It's red.

It's gorgeous.

It's mine!

Leather seats.

Oh... five on the floor. AM/FM.

The clock works!

Baby, this is love.

Oh... and it's not just a physical thing.

Angela, look at this. Angela?

Angela, where are you?

Angela, don't you want to see it?

Angela, this ain't a bribe.

It's a bonus.

It's just like your dandruff account.

It's a bonus.

You're right, it's just like my dandruff account.

No! No, it's not! That's not what I meant.

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes.

No.

Yes.

Yes?

Oh, no.

I'll call Mr. Larson and resign the account

in the morning.

And I'll give back the car.

You're doing the right thing.

Don't rub it in.

Well, honesty is the best policy.

I mean, even if nobody else in the whole world knows,

you know it.

You've got to be true to yourself.

I'm proud of both of you.

All right, all right!

So the kids just went to sleep. I read them a trashy novel.

I stuffed them full of hot fudge sundae!

So, are you happy? Huh?

Tony?

What are you doing out here?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

It's 4:02 in the morning.

I stand corrected.

You couldn't sleep either, huh?

Not a wink.

I thought when you had a clear conscience

you're supposed to sleep like a baby.

Not when it costs you a $10-million account.

Or a red convertible.

Yeah.

This is the sexiest Italian machine

I've had my hands on since Doreen DiSpenza.

Well, a lot of firms would've taken that account

and let the client deal with the consequences.

Yeah, I know.

In the minors, I knew guys who'd drop a fly ball

for a hundred bucks.

Yeah.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

So what's wrong with us?

We're a couple of patsies.

No. It's worse than that.

We're honest.

Hmph.

You know...

if I scratch a car in a parking lot,

I leave a note on it.

Really? I draw a wavy line through a stamp

when it comes through the mail uncanceled.

Yeah? I...

if I'm shopping and I eat a cherry,

I take the pit to the checkout girl.

You really are a sap.

Angela, I always wanted a convertible.

Closest I ever came was when the top of my old man's car

rusted out.

You know, Tony, you don't have to take this car back

until tomorrow morning.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Breakfast?

New Hampshire?

I'll get the kids!