All language subtitles for Green Acres - S05E21 - The Case of the Hooterville Refund Fraud.eng

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- They throw eggs at our
sign two or three times a week.

However, we here in the
Internal Revenue Department

feel that we would rather
have the average tax-paying

citizen take his hostility out
on our sign, instead of us.

My name is Harold Gilmore.

I'm Chief of Division 12

of the 60th Internal
Revenue District.

Must be getting
close to April 15th.

That's when the
rocks start flying.

These are just minor occurrances

compared to some of
the problems we here

in the department encounter

in the daily
discharge of our duty

And these are files of
some of the more difficult

and bizarre cases
that we've run into.

I'll just pick one
at random here.

Let me see.

Oh yes, this is
one that we refer to

as the great
Hooterville refund fraud.

This one started one morning
in a small general store

in the town of Hooterville,

when one of their
leading citizens dropped by

to pick up his mail.

- Hi Mr. Colby.

- Howdy.
- Mr Ziffel.

- Mr. Drucker.

- Good morning Mr. Douglas.

Oh I got a letter for you.

Looks important.

- Where's it from?

- Washington, DC.

- You've been writing nasty
letters to Herbert Hoover again?

- Herbert Hoover?

- It's from the
Treasury Department.

- They must've found
out about your still.

- Look, instead of us
all guessing what it is,

why don't we open it and see.

- I'll open that for
you Mr. Douglas.

- I'll open it.

- Hey this is a check for
$84 dollars and 72 cents.

- If you don't mind.
- Let's see that.

- It's signed by the
treasurer of the United States.

- Could I please?

- He's right Mr. Douglas.

- It's a refund on
my income tax.

- What's that?

- It's a tax you pay
on your income.

- When did that go into effect?

- You mean you never
heard of the income tax?

- How could we when
we never had no income?

- Well if you did
have, and you overpaid

or you had business
losses, depreciation,

you're entitled to
ask for a refund.

- How often do you
get them checks?

- Once a year,
but - Don't get sore.

We all voted for Herbert
Hoover just like you did.

- I'm glad to hear that,
now if you'll excuse me.

- See, ain't that
just like a city fella.

Finds out about a good thing,

and don't want to let
nobody else in on it.

- Well now that
we know about it,

we ought to write
in for our refunds.

- It ain't that easy.

You gotta do a lot of
figuring on what you made

during the year,
and what you lost.

- I lost plenty.

- Me too.

- You can't just write in and

- Sam, Mr. Douglas
is a lawyer, ain't he?

- Yeah, but he

- He got refunded, didn't he?

- Yeah, but he

- Then why don't you
just butt out of things

you don't know nothing about?

- Do whatever you like.

- We intend to.

- What's new in Drucker's?

- Oh, look what
I got in the mail.

Refund on my income tax.

- Oh, $84 dollars and 74 cents?

That's three dollars more
than you made last year.

- I made over 800 last year.

And I paid too much
income tax, this is a refund.

- Why didn't you let
them keep the refund,

and send you the $800 dollars?

- No, they wouldn't.

- Well if you can
cheat for $84 dollars,

you could cheat for 800.

- I did not cheat.

- Well then that's
the first time.

- I have never cheated.

- What about the
time the man came

because you deducted your
mother's teeth as entertainment?

- I put her teeth
on the wrong line.

- Boy were you mad
at the Infernal Revenue,

when they said you
couldn't deductatate that.

- I wasn't mad.

- You went all the
way to Washington

to throw an egg at their sign.

- Lisa will you stop making up

- What are you going
to do with the money?

- What money?

- Mr. Douglas got a
refund on his income tax.

$84 dollars.

- Golly, that'd make a nice
bonus for your hired hand.

- I'm not giving you a bonus.

- Very well then,
I'll have to tell 'em

you deducticated your mother's
teeth as entertainment again.

- Look uh

- Now while this homey
little scene was taking place,

Mr. Ziffel and Mr. Colby
had called together

some of the other
farmers in the community,

and started to nibble
away at our tax structure.

- How does that work again?

- Newt, how many times
have I got to tell you,

according to Mr. Douglas,

if you lose money
during the year,

you write to the government
and ask them to refund you.

- Doggone, ain't
that nice of 'em.

- What we gotta figure out,

is how much money
we lost last year.

- Oh well I lost $600 dollars.

- You must've had a good year.

I lost 1200.

- Well I only lost
900 last year,

but the year before
that, I really got hit,

close to $3,000 dollars.

- Too bad we didn't
know about this before.

I've been on a 10
year losing streak.

- Now I've heard
tell that Mr. Douglas

gets refunded every year.

So why can't each of us
claim a 10 year lump loss?

- You think we'll get it?

- Well I don't see why not.

Of course the government
does some stupid things,

but I think they're
basically honest.

I can't think they'd
want to cheat us.

- Okay, then let's get word

to the other
farmers in the valley,

to write down what they
lost for the last 10 years,

then write in for their refunds.

- Coming.

Hello there?

- Mr. Douglas?

Mrs. Douglas?

Oh hello Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh hello there Mr. Kimball.

- Is your husband home?

- No he isn't.

- Oh will you tell
him I was here?

- I certainly will.

- Thank you, bye.

- Bye.

- Oh hello Mrs. Douglas.

- Mr. Kimball, I think
there is something wrong.

- There is?

- Yes, I should be in there
and you should be out here.

- Oh, well why don't
we try it that way.

Hello Mrs. Douglas.

- Hello there Mr. Kimball.

- Is your husband home?

- No he isn't.

- Will you tell him I was here?

- I certainly will.

- Well thank you, bye.

- Bye.

- If you're looking
for Mr. Douglas,

he's not home.

- Mr. Kimball, I'm Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, so you are.

I didn't recognize
you without a dress on.

Or is that Mrs. Douglas?

- It depends on the time of day.

Where's the knob?

- Oh hello there.

Mr. Kimball left a
message for you

that he was here.

- I found him.

- Well then you can
tear up the message.

- Is he catching?

What's the message.

- Oh I want to talk to you
about something confidential.

Are we alone?

- Yes.

- Who is she?

- That's my uh, look Mr Kimball,

what did you want
to talk to me about?

- Well I hear you discovered
some kind of a tax dodge

where you can get some
money back from the government.

- Oh?

You mean about
his mother's teeth?

- Will you forget about
my mother's teeth.

- Well whoever's teeth they are,

how do I get a refund?

- Well there are several ways,

it depends on your income.

How much do you get paid a week?

- Gee I don't know, I
get paid by the month.

- Ooh that's easy,
then you just multiply

each check by 12
and divide by seven.

- Why do you divide by seven?

Nevermind, don't tell me.

You get a check every month.

Well how much is the check for?

- I don't know.

I always give it to my
mother and she won't tell me.

- Oh you dirty

Look Mr. Kimball, I'm
afraid I can't help you.

- Well that's a fine thing,
you helped everybody else

in the valley.

- I didn't help anybody.

- You told 'em all how
to write in for refunds.

- I never

- They're all
putting in for claims

for the last 10 years.

- Mr. Kimball most
of those people

never paid an income tax.

- What does that
got to do with it?

- Everything.

If they didn't pay a tax,
they won't get a refund.

- Normally Mr. Douglas
would have been right,

but due to shall we say,
an unusual circumstance,

the following scene took
place two weeks later

in Mr. Drucker's General Store.

I got mine.

Mine came yesterday.

Mine too.

- You got what?

- Our refund checks.

- Your refund checks?

- Yep, we did what you told us

and wrote in for the money.

- Three cheers for
our leader Mr. Douglas.

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

- I got a check for
$62,000 dollars.

- 62 - I got one for 45,000.

- I got one for 38,000.

- All told I figure they got
over $572,000 dollars back.

- I can't understand it, how
could a thing like this happen?

- Those were the
exact words used

by Senator Hanson at a
closed-door investigation

of our department by the
senator's subcommittee.

- I don't understand,

how could a thing
like this happen?

- It was because of
an oil can Senator.

- Oil can?

- Yes sir.

You see, our department
spent over 30 million dollars

on computers to automatically
handle the tax refunds.

But there was no
appropriation for a can of oil.

So one of the bearings burnt
out on the refund computer.

- Mr. Gilmore, it would
seem that you fellas

could chip in and raise
a dime for a can of oil.

- Well we didn't know
whether it would be deductible.

- Of course.

Now this burned out bearing
was the cause of the error?

- Indirectly, you see
when the computer failed,

we had to switch over to man
power to handle the refunds.

- Are you taking any
steps to recover the money?

- Yes sir, I'm sending
our ace field investigator

to Hooterville today.

A Mr. Fred Feldinger.

- Well Mr. Feldinger, you
realize how important it is

that we get this money back?

- Yes sir.

- Now this is an election year.

And I want the recovery
of that money to be handled

quietly and discreetly.

After all, we don't
want the public

to lose confidence in us.

- The whole thing is fantastic.

Mr. Ziffel got a refund
of $62,000 dollars.

Mr. Colby got one
of $38,000 dollars,

Newt Kiley got one
of $40,000 dollars,

all together it came to
over a half a million dollars.

- And how much did you get?

- $84 dollars and
some odd cents.

- And the whole
thing was your idea?

- No.

- Well for a lawyer,
you're not too bright.

- That has nothing to

- Well at least it will be nice

for the women
getting all that money.

Now they can have maids
and minks and diamonds

and all the other
necessities of life.

- It would be nice if
they were really entitled

to the money, but they're not.

- Well they got the checks.

- They won't be
able to keep 'em.

Somebody from the
government is bound

to show up around here.

- Morning sir.

Is your name Fred Ziffel?

- Yeah, who are you?

- My name is Feldinger,
I'm with the Department

of Internal Revenue.

Did you receive a
refund check from us?

- I sure did, I sure did,

and I want to thank you.

- Yeah, well I, Mr. Ziffel

- When you get
back to Washington,

I want you to thank
Herbert Hoover for me too.

- Yeah, now just
a second Mr. Ziffel,

you see that check you
received, it's not yours.

- No I know it ain't.

I cashed it at the
bank yesterday.

- Oh my, you shouldn't
have done that.

- Why?

- Because you're not entitled.

You see, according
to our records,

you never paid any income tax.

- So?

- Well how do you
expect to receive a refund

on a tax you've never paid?

- Mister, I don't think you
understand how the system works.

- What?

- Refunding ain't
based on tax paying.

Refunding is based on losses.

- Who told you that one?

- Mr. Douglas.

That's the way he's been
doing it for the last 10 years.

- But that's not legal.

- Then what'd they
send me the check for?

- Well because the
Department of Internal Revenue

made a mistake.

- Well you take
that up with them.

I'm satisfied with
things the way they are.

- What do you mean,
give the money back?

- Because you're
not entitled to it.

- That ain't what
Mr. Douglas said.

- Look, I don't care what this
Mr. Douglas said, he's wrong.

- Did you ever get a refund?

- No.

- Then what do
you know about it?

- According to Mr. Douglas,
the money's coming to us.

- It is not.

- Well then take it
up with Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Douglas?

- Yes.

- You're under arrest.

- For what?

- Conspiring to
defraud the government.

- Conspiring to defraud?

- Oh they got you on that again?

- Oh, you've done
this before huh?

- Would you mind
telling me who you are.

- My name is Feldinger
and I am a special agent

for the Department
of Internal Revenue.

- Oh well uh, yes, I've
been expecting you, come in.

I suppose you're here
about those refund checks.

- That's right.

Didn't think you'd get
away with it, did you?

- Yes, I mean no, look
I didn't expect anything.

- How much did you
get out of this whole

tax refund fraud?

- $84 dollars.

- Why did you climb
in through the window?

- Well the knob
is still missing.

- You only got $84 dollars
out of over half a million?

You're not very bright are you?

- That's what I told him.

- Look, now may I explain this?

- Very well, but
remember, anything you say

may be used in
evidence against you.

- I know my
constitutional rights.

- What are they?

- Lisa.

Mr. Feldinger, this whole
thing was a misunderstanding.

I received my refund check,

and they asked me why I got it

and I tried to
explain it to them,

and somehow they got the idea

that because they
had some losses,

all they had to do was
write to the government

and get their money back.

- Do you really expect
me to believe that?

- My husband
always tells the truth,

except that one time
about the blonde.

Do you remember that?

- Lisa.

Look, Mr. Feldinger,

you've got to
understand these people.

They take everything literally,
but they're not dishonest.

In fact, you'll never find a
more honest group of people.

They wouldn't cheat anybody.

- Mr. Douglas, look, all
we want is our money back.

We won't ask any questions
and we won't prosecute anybody.

- Then ask them for the money.

- I tried.

Maybe you could
influence them, mmm?

- Why me?

- Because you
are the ringleader.

- Oh I'm not.

Alright I'll talk to them
and see if I can get them

to return it.

Hi Mr. Drucker.

- Hi Mr. Douglas.

- Is Mr. Ziffel or Mr. Colby,

or any of the other
farmers around?

- Yes, they're in the store
holding an investment

meeting with Haney.

- With Haney?

- Now gentlemen, this
investment is divided

into units of
$10,000 dollars each.

- I got a question.

- Uh gentlemen, may I uh

- Just a moment Mr. Douglas.

What's your question Newt?

- Well suppose we invest
our the money in this

and we lose it?

Then what?

- Well you just
write the government

and they refund it to you.

Ain't that right Mr. Douglas?

- No.

- Well in that case, put
me down for two units.

- Put me down for three.

- I'll take three.

- You want to get in
on this Mr. Douglas?

- In on what?

- The Hooterville
monkey racing track.

- The Hooterville

- How does that
grab you Mr. Douglas?

- What's a monkey racing track?

- Well you've seen
them dog races,

where the dogs
chase a stuffed rabbit?

Well this is the same thing,
except we use monkeys

and they chase a wooden banana.

- That's ridiculous.

- Well it may be to you,
but them monkey's take

that banana pretty serious.

- Gentlemen, may
I say something?

- Not unless you
want to buy some units.

This here's a stock
holders meeting.

- I don't care what
kind of a meeting it is.

You better listen to me now.

That money does not
belong to you people.

You have to give it back.

Did you give yours back?

- No.

- Well why should
we give ours back?

- How can I make you under

Look, the government
made a mistake.

- Mr. Douglas, we
ain't gonna listen

to none of that
anti-American talk.

Our constitution
is mistake-less.

- I give up.

Look, you do what you want,

the whole thing is between you

and our mistake-less government.

- Now where was we.

- You was talking about
how you was gonna get

a wooden banana
to run around a track.

- I tried, but it's too late.

They're going to
invest the money

in Mr. Haney's
monkey racing track.

- What is that?

- It's a track where the
monkeys race around

chasing a wooden banana.

- You know about them?

- Oh yes, they had
them all over Budapest.

It was the biggest
sport in Hungary,

well not the biggest sport,

the biggest sport was,

the government
put a stop to that too.

- Uh, what one was that?

- Goulash betting.

- Well that's what she
said, goulash betting.

- The way it worked
was, they had a big pot

of goulash right in the
middle of the public square,

and everybody would
stand around betting,

when it would boil over.

- Well Hungarians
will bet on anything.

- Mr. Douglas,
this monkey track,

was this your idea?

- My idea?

- Well I just thought
anybody with the genius

to think up this
income tax swindle

- Just a minute, I had
nothing to do with it.

Come in.

- Excuse me, Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Ziffel.

- After you made
your speech and left,

those fellas took a vote.

- Oh and you're going
to give the money back?

- No, but they're gonna
name the track after ya,

the Oliver Wendell Douglas
Monkey Racing Track.

- Oh isn't that nice?

- Well we figured it's
the least we could do

after all he's done for us.

- So you had nothing
to do with it, huh?

- Oh yes, the whole
thing was my idea,

the swindle, the
monkey racing track,

the wooden banana, everything.

- Oh Oliver I'm so proud of you.

- Mr. Douglas I'm glad you
were man enough to confess.

Now I'm afraid you'll have
to come along with me.

- What are you
going to do with him?

- Well we're going to
have to prosecute him

and just about
everybody in the valley.

- Well how will that
look in the headlines?

Oliver Wendell Douglas in
jail for government's boo boo.

- Uh headlines, yeah.

Look we don't want
any publicity, you see,

we just want to get
our money back quietly.

- Money back, oh well then,
I have a solution for you.

- Feldinger returned
from Hooterville,

and belted out his story.

After discussing the
government's alternatives,

we decided to accept
Mrs. Douglas' solution.

To get our money back, the
Department of Internal Revenue

became a silent partner in
the Oliver Wendell Douglas

Monkey Racing Track.

- Now for the feature
race of the evening,

the Hooterville Preakness
for two year olds.

The monkeys are
in the starting gate,

all set, release the banana.

And here come the monkeys.

Tarzan's Pet takes the lead,

followed by Cheetah's
Child, Coconut Lady, Tomboy.

- Come on, Coconut Lady.

- Will you shut that off?

- Well you didn't
want to go to the track.

- No I didn't.

- Well how is the government
going to get back their money?

- Frankly I don't care.

At the halfway
pole, it's Tarzan's pet

by a tail.

Cocunut Lady, Cheetah's
Child and Tomboy.

- Come on Coconut Lady!

- Lisa will you please

Coming into the stretch,

it's Coconut Lady,
Cheetah's Child

and coming up on
the inside is Tomboy.

And the winner is Tomboy.

- That's another one I lost.

- Don't tell me
you've been betting on

- Well it's the only
patriotic thing to do.

Now for the seventh
race of the evening.

- I'm happy to report
that your government

receives 50% of
the track's take,

and we expect to
have all our money back

after two or three more
years of monkey racing.

Well that closes
the file on the great

Hooterville tax
refund fraud case.

And oh excuse me, it's
time for the eighth race.

The monkey's are
in the starting gate

for the eighth race, the
Internal Revenue Trot.

Release the banana.

Here come the monkeys.