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♪ Green Acres is the place to be
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00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:25,902
♪ Farm living is the life for me
3
00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:29,739
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
4
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:34,011
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside
5
00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:38,048
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
6
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:41,951
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
7
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:45,955
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
8
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:50,149
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
9
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:57,334
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
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00:00:57,358 --> 00:01:00,070
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
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00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,039
♪ Goodbye city life
12
00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:05,630
♪ Green Acres we are there
13
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- Lisa?
14
00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:19,556
You ready?
15
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,024
Almost.
16
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,292
Well hurry up, it's 8:00.
17
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:24,094
Mort's plane gets in in an hour.
18
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:26,963
- Well which one of
these should I wear?
19
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:28,932
- I thought you were dressed?
20
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:30,567
- Further underneath it's done.
21
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,769
My hair is finished
and my face is finished,
22
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,405
and if you'll just tell me which
one of these should I wear.
23
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,706
- It doesn't matter.
24
00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:38,141
- Yes it does.
25
00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:42,312
I want to make a good
compression on your friend.
26
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,481
- Lisa, you'll make a good
compression with either one.
27
00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:46,049
Mort is not interested...
28
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:49,686
- Are you the manager
of this establishment?
29
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:50,620
- What?
30
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,522
- I got a complaint.
31
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:54,791
I've been sitting in there
at the table for 15 minutes,
32
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,327
waiting for somebody to
take my breakfast order.
33
00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:00,363
- You'll have to make your
own breakfast this morning,
34
00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:01,931
we have to leave
for the airport.
35
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,766
- Eb, which one of these
dresses do you think
36
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:06,736
Mr. Douglas's friend
would like the best?
37
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,038
- Well, knowing Mort,
I'd say the blue one.
38
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,673
- You don't know Mort.
39
00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:14,077
- Well then, not knowing
Mort, I'd say the red one.
40
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:17,314
- I think he's right
with the not knowing.
41
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:20,417
- Of course if I was a famous
magazine writer like him,
42
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,986
I'd like to be met
in your black dress.
43
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,288
- Eb, why don't...
- He's right.
44
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,056
I'm going to wear
my black dress.
45
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,080
- Fine!
46
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:30,427
- But first I have
to go and press it.
47
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,629
- Yes, but please hurry.
48
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:36,299
- Um, Mr. Douglas what
magazine does this Mr. Uh,
49
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,001
what's his name,
write for again?
50
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,302
- Uh, Warner.
51
00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:42,239
- I never heard of
Warner Magazine.
52
00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:46,176
- His name is Warner, the
magainze is called Newsworthy.
53
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,111
Lisa, are you ready yet?
54
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,580
- Say, do you think Mr. Warner
would be interested in
55
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,115
reading some of the
articles I wrote for our
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00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:55,918
high school magazine,
The Hooterville Hijinks.
57
00:02:55,942 --> 00:02:59,156
- Eb, the man is coming
here for a few days
58
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:02,192
to visit with us, now I don't
want you pestering him.
59
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,460
- You mean you want
me to hide my talent
60
00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:06,029
under a bushel basket?
61
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,097
- I'd be eternally
grateful if you would.
62
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,032
Lisa!
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00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:10,733
- All ready.
64
00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:11,601
How do I look?
65
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:12,802
- Fine.
66
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,237
- That ain't the
black dress I meant.
67
00:03:14,261 --> 00:03:15,805
I meant the one with
the tassels on the...
68
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:17,407
- Goodbye Eb!
69
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,902
Well, this is it, Mort.
70
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:27,417
- This is what?
71
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:28,441
- Our house!
72
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,389
- Well Oliver I didn't
know things were
73
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:33,413
going so bad for you.
74
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,093
- Oh no, no, the house just
looks that way because...
75
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:39,296
- That's the way it is.
76
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,799
- Oh, it just needs a
little work, that's all.
77
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:43,900
A little work.
78
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:44,924
All righty.
79
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,060
Can I help you?
80
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:56,279
This place has a very
interesting historical background.
81
00:03:56,303 --> 00:03:57,980
This dates back
to the Civil War.
82
00:03:58,004 --> 00:03:59,249
- Oh.
83
00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:00,684
- They fought three
of the biggest battles
84
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,586
right in the middle
of our living room.
85
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,324
- It's rustic, but
it's comfortable.
86
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,013
All right, right in.
87
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:12,562
Well, what do you think?
88
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:15,632
- Yes, well it's, it's
um, which battles?
89
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:16,833
- Well.
90
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,067
- It needs a little
work, you know,
91
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,469
I haven't had time
to get around to it.
92
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:21,070
- Would you like to
have some coffee?
93
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,305
I have some on the stove.
94
00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:26,008
- Well yes, I'd love
some, thank you.
95
00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:29,746
- Oliver, you're right,
she's simply beautiful,
96
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,916
but how did you ever get
off of the hook with Rachel?
97
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,586
- Uh, uh well uh...
- Who's Rachel?
98
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:42,259
- Uh, she's the girl Mort knew
when we went to Harvard.
99
00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:45,662
- And how come that you
got off the hook with her?
100
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:47,096
- How about the coffee?
101
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,531
- How about Rachel?
102
00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:49,532
- The coffee!
103
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:50,500
- Rachel.
104
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:52,001
- Lisa.
105
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,025
- Hmm.
106
00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:58,441
- Well it's been a long
time since we've, uh...
107
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,677
- Oh, won't you sit
down, Mr. Warner?
108
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,312
Well I wish you'd call me Mort.
109
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,282
- Is that all right with
you, Mr. Douglas?
110
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,317
- You can call me Oliver.
111
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:10,787
- Not until I hear
more about Rachel.
112
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,755
- The coffee?
113
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:13,390
- It's hot enough.
114
00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:16,326
- You know Mort, I've
read some of your stories
115
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:18,060
in Newsworthy magazine
and you've covered
116
00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:19,462
some pretty exciting events.
117
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,665
The riots at Berkeley,
the conventions...
118
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,433
- Rachel, hmm.
119
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:26,102
Did she have a last name?
120
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,459
- Flinglehoofen.
121
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:30,940
- Well, for the
last six months I've
122
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,909
covered the war in
the Far East, you know?
123
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:35,445
- Rachel Flingenfloofen.
124
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,347
You made that name up.
125
00:05:37,371 --> 00:05:39,582
- How could I make
up a name like Rachel?
126
00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:43,753
- And like I wrote you,
my nerves are a little jittery
127
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:45,622
from all that violence,
so that's why I asked
128
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:48,224
if I could stay
here for a few days.
129
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:51,294
- Well, uh, this is a place to
find peace and contentment.
130
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,231
- Well it's certainly
going to be a relaxation
131
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:56,633
to be around people
who are normal
132
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:59,703
and still have some
semblance of s...
133
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:03,807
- You were saying?
134
00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:04,774
- Saying?
135
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:05,975
Oh, yes.
136
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,143
- Would you like to
have some cream?
137
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,345
- Please.
138
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,020
- We make the cream
to match the coffee.
139
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,458
- Yes, Mort, you'll
find Hooterville
140
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:24,494
is the ideal place to relax.
141
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:26,095
- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!
142
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:26,929
- Eb, do you have to burst...
143
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:28,164
- We got trouble.
144
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,266
Trouble in River
City, big trouble.
145
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,267
Hello there.
146
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:32,435
- Oh, hello.
147
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:33,903
- Eh, this is our Eb.
148
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,272
Eb, this is Mr. Warner.
149
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,842
- Is this Mr. Warner the
famous news correspondent?
150
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:39,776
- Uh huh.
151
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,378
- Well I'm not really famous.
152
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:42,812
- Mr. Douglas said you were.
153
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,956
But then he don't always
know what he's talking about.
154
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,984
- Eb, did you want something?
155
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,419
The tractor won't start.
156
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:50,520
- What's wrong with it?
157
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,121
- I think it has heartburn.
158
00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:54,357
- Heartburn?
159
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:57,694
- I told you not to
put high-test gas in it.
160
00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:58,628
- We always...
161
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,997
- It runs much better on vodka.
162
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,665
- Eb, would...
- So do you.
163
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,134
- Will you excuse
me, you know what,
164
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:06,536
I better see what's
wrong with the tractor.
165
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,471
We've got to plow
20 acres today.
166
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:10,039
- Look, do you
mind if I come along?
167
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,708
- Well what about your coffee?
168
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,710
- Uh, could you save it for me?
169
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,978
- Why not, I've been
saving it for a week,
170
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:18,147
a few more moments
isn't going to hurt.
171
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:23,620
- Ah crank it.
172
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:24,888
- Yes sir.
173
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:25,855
- Wait a minute, is
this supposed to be
174
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,156
attached to something?
175
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:29,292
- Yes sir, the lightning rod.
176
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:30,527
But we lost that.
177
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,930
- That's supposed to be
attached to the battery.
178
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,799
- Well where is the battery?
179
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:39,803
- Right here, no this
is for the headlights.
180
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:43,339
- Just ground the wire
on the motor anywhere.
181
00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:44,173
- That's okay?
182
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,007
- That's okay.
183
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,242
Now all right, Eb, okay.
184
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:47,266
- Crank it.
185
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,588
This ain't gonna do
it, you have to hold the,
186
00:07:58,612 --> 00:07:59,612
who are you?
187
00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:04,126
- I'm the famous
magazine writer.
188
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,863
- Oh, I heard you guys
would do anything for a laugh.
189
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,233
- Mort, Mort, I'm sorry.
190
00:08:11,257 --> 00:08:13,069
There must be a
leak in the oil line here.
191
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,438
Come on into the house
and I'll help you clean up.
192
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,039
- I would like to take a shower.
193
00:08:17,063 --> 00:08:20,276
- Yeah, fine, you can
change in our room.
194
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:21,300
This way.
195
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:30,409
- Come in.
196
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,826
Hey, get out of here.
197
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:40,530
Shoo!
198
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:41,554
Shoo!
199
00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:46,024
Beat it, beat it!
200
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,438
No I didn't say eat it, beat it!
201
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,508
Oliver!
202
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:52,532
Oliver!
203
00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,238
Oliver!
204
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:05,477
Oliver!
205
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:08,825
- What's the matter?
206
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:11,027
- What's the matter?
207
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,552
This pig came in and...
- That's Arnold.
208
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,332
Arnold comes over every day,
209
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:20,036
he likes to watch
Walter Cronkite in color.
210
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,470
- Cronkite in color?
211
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:23,706
- Yes, his father,
Mr. Ziffel only has
212
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,475
a black and white set at home.
213
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,110
- You mean there's an older pig
214
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:30,613
who owns a black
and white TV set?
215
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:32,114
- No, no, no.
216
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:36,452
His father isn't an older
pig, he's an older man.
217
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:40,122
Arnold is the
Ziffel's only child.
218
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,212
- Only child?
219
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,526
- Well, they had a daughter,
220
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:45,662
but she ran away
with another goat.
221
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,164
- Another goat?
222
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:52,535
- Yes, how do you
like Hootersville so far?
223
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,037
- Well, it's, it's very, uh...
224
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,304
- Who knocked the door down?
225
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:56,573
- The pig.
226
00:09:56,597 --> 00:10:00,677
- Well I don't want him
in here, now go on home.
227
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,682
Go on home.
228
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,484
- Oh, now you made Arnold mad.
229
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,742
He didn't even say goodbye.
230
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:12,521
- Fine.
231
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:13,355
Are you ready for your shower?
232
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:15,091
- Yeah, a nice cold one.
233
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,359
- Come on, I'll show
you where to go.
234
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:18,449
Here you are.
235
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,564
- You mean outside?
236
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:22,665
- Oh, it's a great feeling,
237
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:24,601
taking a shower out of doors.
238
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:26,703
- Are you ready for
your shower instructions?
239
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,204
- Instructions?
240
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:30,607
- Yes, you see, this shower
is connected to this hose,
241
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,142
and the hose is connected
to the kitchen sink.
242
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,511
Now where you're ready
to take your shower,
243
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:38,180
you yell on, and I
turn the water on.
244
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:40,016
And when you're
through with your shower,
245
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,485
you yell off and I turn it off.
246
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:45,121
Now, can you remember that?
247
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,689
- I think so.
248
00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:49,826
- If you're ready, the shower
queen will be at the controls.
249
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:55,654
- Just remember, on, and off.
250
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:57,700
- On and off.
251
00:10:57,724 --> 00:10:59,035
- Right.
252
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,008
- Ah, you know how
to work that thing?
253
00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:06,208
- Uh, yes, I h...
254
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:09,578
- When you're ready,
just yell, "Turn it on!"
255
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,651
Didn't you ever take
a shower before?
256
00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:17,520
You're supposed to
take your robe off first.
257
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:29,288
- Howdy.
258
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:31,934
- Howdy.
259
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:33,469
- My name is Fred Ziffel.
260
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,337
Have you seen Arnold?
261
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,773
- Oh you mean...
262
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,507
- He wouldn't be in
there with you, would he?
263
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:42,600
You know he loves to
take showers with strangers.
264
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:47,839
Hey, that's a funny
place for a tattoo.
265
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:52,121
- That is not a tattoo.
266
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,622
It's a birthmark.
267
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,591
- Well how about that.
268
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:59,762
My wife Doris has got
one in the same place.
269
00:11:59,786 --> 00:12:00,963
- Oh really?
270
00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:03,465
- Suppose she's
being a kin to you?
271
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,501
- No, I don't think so.
272
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:09,194
- Well, if you see Arnold,
send him on home.
273
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,408
- Hello there.
274
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:13,432
- Oh, hello.
275
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,246
- Are you ready for the off yet?
276
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:18,915
- No, no I haven't
had a chance to...
277
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,449
- Say is that a birthmark?
278
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:24,620
- Where?
279
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:25,755
- On the back of your neck.
280
00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:28,113
- No, no that's just a mole.
281
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,929
- Oh, than when you're
ready just yell the magic word.
282
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,364
- I will, thank you.
283
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,468
- Hi Mr. Douglas.
284
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,337
- No, no, I'm not Mr. Douglas.
285
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:44,473
Oh well I never saw
you with your clothes off.
286
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:45,307
- Look, mister.
287
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:46,442
- Kimball, Hank Kimball.
288
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:47,676
I'm a county agent.
289
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,312
I'm with the United
States Department of uh,
290
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:51,981
what did you say your name was?
291
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:53,015
- Warner.
292
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,283
- Pleased to meet ya.
293
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,119
As I was saying, I'm
with the United States
294
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,143
Department of Warner.
295
00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:00,656
Well, no, it's not the
Department of Warner,
296
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,859
it's the Department of, uh, uh.
297
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,426
- Agriculture?
298
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,263
- Oh, pleased to meet
you Mr. Agriculture.
299
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,120
- Warner! Mort Warner.
300
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:11,968
- Say would you like to
do some quail shooting?
301
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:14,993
I saw some over
at, uh, Mort Warner.
302
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,606
Say, that's a familiar name.
303
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,809
- Well I write for
Newsworthy Magazine.
304
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,443
- So do I, but they
never send it to me.
305
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,947
Well, it's been nice.
306
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,916
Say, you know how to
work that shower, don't you?
307
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:31,687
When you're finished
you just yell, "Turn it off!"
308
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:32,922
Well, goodbye.
309
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,184
- On!
310
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:40,552
On!
311
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:55,011
- You'll never be able to
dry yourself with a wet towel.
312
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:07,957
- So, how did you
enjoy your shower?
313
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:10,459
- Uh, well, it was very social.
314
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,394
- I'm going to take Mort
out, show him a corn field.
315
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:16,165
- Oh that's nice, a good
laugh will do him good.
316
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,622
- I'll see you later, Rachel.
317
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:21,637
Isn't this a great day?
318
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,206
- Oh yeah, it sure is.
319
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,474
Oliver, would you mind if I
skipped the corn field tour
320
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:28,277
and just took a
little walk into town?
321
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,213
- Hey, why don't
you take my car?
322
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,680
Drive around, see
the countryside.
323
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:32,715
- Oh, that, that'd be great.
324
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:33,950
- Here.
325
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,319
- Oh, thank you,
thank you Oliver.
326
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,955
- Take your time,
enjoy yourself.
327
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:39,979
Relax.
328
00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:15,381
- Oh no.
329
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,206
- May I be of service?
330
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:31,607
- You certainly
can, I have a flat.
331
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,009
Could you change the tire?
332
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,543
- No problem at all.
333
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,980
Oh, may I see your auto
club membership card?
334
00:15:38,004 --> 00:15:39,215
- Well I don't have any.
335
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:42,084
- You don't have a
membership card?
336
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,185
- No.
337
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:45,621
- Well, let's see now.
338
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:49,814
The fee for tire changing
for a non-member is $45.
339
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,030
- Well isn't that
a little steep?
340
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,364
- Well of course if
you was a member,
341
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,366
it wouldn't cost you nothin'.
342
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,334
- Well what does
it cost to join?
343
00:15:58,358 --> 00:15:59,601
- Five dollars.
344
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,270
- Well then I'll join.
345
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,671
- All right, thank you.
346
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,640
Now we'll have to
fill out an application
347
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,642
before I can issue you
a membership card.
348
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:07,476
- Uh-huh.
349
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,677
- Your name?
350
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,612
- Mort Warner.
351
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:11,847
- Address?
352
00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:13,950
- Well I live in
New York, it's um.
353
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,217
- Your height?
354
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:17,019
- 5' 11 and 3/8".
355
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:19,488
- Do you have any
identifying marks?
356
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:20,589
- Well I have a birthmark.
357
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,325
- May I see it please?
358
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:25,328
No, it's on my, um.
359
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:28,786
- Oh you must be
related to Doris Ziffel.
360
00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,567
- No.
361
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,337
Look, why do I have to
answer all these questions?
362
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:35,938
- Well we have to be careful
363
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:38,074
about who we take into the club.
364
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:41,143
Now I'll have your application
processed in a moment
365
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,434
by our mobile computerator.
366
00:16:56,782 --> 00:17:01,464
Congratulations, you have
been computerated A-OK.
367
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,965
Your membership card.
368
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:04,233
- Well thank you.
369
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,568
- That'll be five dollars.
370
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:08,637
- I just gave you five dollars.
371
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:11,107
- Oh, how forgetful of me.
372
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:12,941
- Now will you mind
changing the tire?
373
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:14,576
- First I have to swear you in.
374
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,845
When you raise your
right hand and repeat
375
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,815
the Haney Automobile
Club oath after me.
376
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,184
- Will you just change the tire?
377
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,554
- Oh, yes sir, may I see
your membership card?
378
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:26,578
- Here.
379
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:30,526
- Oh, I'm sorry,
this card is expired.
380
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,550
- What?
381
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,296
You just issued it to me.
382
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:37,333
- Well you'll have to take
that up with the head office.
383
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:38,234
- Well where's that?
384
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,158
- Salmon Creek, Alaska.
385
00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:43,939
- Look, I gave you five dollars,
386
00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:45,241
now I'll give you
another five dollars
387
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,143
if you'll just change the tire.
388
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,344
- Yes, sir.
389
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:49,845
Do you have a jack?
390
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:54,483
- I don't know the trunk is
locked and the key broke off.
391
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,552
- Then for all
practical purposes,
392
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,320
you don't have a jack.
393
00:17:58,344 --> 00:17:59,821
- No.
394
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:03,592
- Would you care to join
the Jack of the Month Club?
395
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:04,826
- I've been all
around the world,
396
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,362
but I've never met
a hustler like you.
397
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:09,387
Now go away, I
don't need your help.
398
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,169
- Oh, I almost forgot,
you owe me $10.
399
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:14,636
- For what?
400
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:16,905
- The roadside consultation.
401
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,541
- Beat it!
402
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:19,565
Beat it!
403
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:28,817
- Well you better tell
Mr. Drucker to give you
404
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:32,020
one of those 50 pound
sacks of hot cakes flour,
405
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:35,357
for Mr. Warner's
breakfast while he's here.
406
00:18:35,381 --> 00:18:37,193
- You're really ramming
it to him, ain't ya?
407
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:38,961
- Now you drive carefully.
408
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:39,985
- Yes ma'am.
409
00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:46,157
Mrs. Douglas!
410
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:49,838
- What's the matter?
411
00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:52,674
- The car's not here,
did Mr. Douglas take it?
412
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:56,112
- No, he went out with
his friend to the corn field.
413
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,946
- Holy smokes,
somebody swiped it.
414
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,182
I'd better call the sheriff.
415
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:06,555
- Howdy.
416
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,246
- Oh, hello Sheriff.
417
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,393
- Would you mind telling me
what you're trying to do, son?
418
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:13,962
- Uh, get the trunk open.
419
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,164
- This your car?
420
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:16,632
- No.
421
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,033
- Well, may I see your
driver's license, please.
422
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,057
- Oh yes.
423
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,271
- I left it back at the...
424
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:24,573
- You got any identification?
425
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,208
- Well I have a
birthmark on my, um.
426
00:19:26,232 --> 00:19:27,643
- Oh now that cuts it.
427
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,246
A low down car thief
trying to pass himself off
428
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:34,150
as a kinfolk of a nice
woman like Doris Ziffel.
429
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:37,286
- I am not trying, what
do you mean, car thief?
430
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,788
- Don't you raise your
voice to the law, son.
431
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:42,358
This car was reported
stolen from the Douglas farm.
432
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,260
- Mr. Douglas lent it to me.
433
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:47,396
Of course he did.
434
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:48,830
Hold out your hands, boy.
435
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:49,765
- But Sheriff.
436
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:52,334
- Uh uh, let's have no violence.
437
00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:56,238
- Hello there.
438
00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:57,906
- Lisa, this is Mort.
439
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,575
- Mort who?
440
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,009
- Mort Warner.
441
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,145
- He's out in the corn
field with my husband.
442
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,746
I'll call him for you.
443
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,716
- No, I'm not out in
the corn field, I'm here.
444
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:08,750
- Where?
445
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:09,918
- In jail.
446
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:12,354
- Oh, are you
having a good time?
447
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:16,592
- No, I've been arrested
for stealing your car.
448
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:20,229
- Oh, you're the
one who swiped it.
449
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:21,430
- Swiped what?
450
00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:24,366
- Mort is in jail,
for stealing our car.
451
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,502
- He didn't steal it.
452
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:27,969
- Eb said he did.
453
00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:30,606
- I don't care what Eb
said, he didn't steal it,
454
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,107
I loaned it to him.
455
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:34,910
- Now tell that blubber
brain sheriff to let him go.
456
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:37,913
- Mort, can I talk to
the sheriff, please.
457
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:42,685
- Just a second, Mrs.
Douglas wants to talk to you.
458
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:43,852
- Hello?
459
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:47,055
- Is this the blubber
brain sheriff?
460
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,024
- I beg your pardon, ma'am.
461
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,460
- Mr. Warner
didn't steal the car,
462
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:53,629
my husband lent it to him.
463
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,197
You can let him go.
464
00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:56,221
- Yes ma'am.
465
00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:58,967
- What's the matter?
466
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,502
What happened?
467
00:21:00,526 --> 00:21:02,871
- Oh, it looks like there's
been a little mistake, son.
468
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:04,373
No hard feelings.
469
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,508
- No, no hard feelings.
470
00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:08,310
Oh here, would you
mind taking these off?
471
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:09,811
- Ooh, glad to.
472
00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:10,746
- Fine.
473
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,281
- The law's only human, son.
474
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,739
We win a few, and lose a few.
475
00:21:16,909 --> 00:21:20,789
I'd say our average
is about 50%, which is,
476
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,190
doggone it.
477
00:21:22,214 --> 00:21:23,659
- What's the matter?
478
00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:26,995
- Deputy must have taken
the handcuff keys with him.
479
00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:27,896
- Well, where is he?
480
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,298
- Salmon Creek, Alaska.
481
00:21:29,322 --> 00:21:30,633
He's gone up to the
head office of the auto club
482
00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:32,723
to give a safety lecture.
483
00:21:35,361 --> 00:21:37,139
- But you just got
here this morning,
484
00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:38,274
why do you want to leave?
485
00:21:38,298 --> 00:21:39,708
- I'm used to more excitement.
486
00:21:39,732 --> 00:21:43,312
This peace and
quiet is killing me.
487
00:21:43,336 --> 00:21:46,248
- Would you hold still, please?
488
00:21:46,272 --> 00:21:47,716
There we are.
489
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:48,906
- What's that?
490
00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:52,777
- Your wristwatch.
491
00:21:53,780 --> 00:21:55,857
- Oh, for the love of, no.
492
00:21:55,881 --> 00:21:57,092
- Would you like to
have some more coffee?
493
00:21:57,116 --> 00:21:58,294
- No!
494
00:21:58,318 --> 00:21:59,895
Thanks.
495
00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:01,630
- Sawin' ain't gonna work.
496
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:03,599
Maybe if we soaked his wrists.
497
00:22:03,623 --> 00:22:05,200
Would you like to
come out to the shower...
498
00:22:05,224 --> 00:22:06,402
- No!
499
00:22:07,627 --> 00:22:10,339
- Well, maybe I
could take them off.
500
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:11,273
- How?
501
00:22:11,297 --> 00:22:13,175
- Like they do in the movies.
502
00:22:13,199 --> 00:22:14,876
- That old bromide,
that's never going...
503
00:22:18,538 --> 00:22:21,539
- May I have the
other hand, please?
504
00:22:22,642 --> 00:22:26,355
Hello there.
505
00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:27,856
- Uh, Mr. Kimball, we're...
506
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,591
- Mr. Douglas, I've been
looking for quail all day,
507
00:22:29,615 --> 00:22:31,893
and I finally spotted
some in your corn field,
508
00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:33,751
mind if I foot a shew?
509
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,733
- No, no, go right
ahead, foot a shew.
510
00:22:37,757 --> 00:22:39,134
- Would you like to join me?
511
00:22:39,158 --> 00:22:40,469
- No, we're having
a meeting here.
512
00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:42,037
- Well how about
you Mr. Agriculture?
513
00:22:42,061 --> 00:22:46,041
Would you, um, say,
certainly is an interesting
514
00:22:46,065 --> 00:22:47,710
looking wristwatch.
515
00:22:47,734 --> 00:22:49,211
How does it work?
516
00:22:49,235 --> 00:22:52,914
- Mr. Kimball, if you
don't mind, we're busy.
517
00:22:52,938 --> 00:22:56,318
Oh, yeah, I can
see you're all tied up.
518
00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:01,122
- Oh, there you are.
519
00:23:01,146 --> 00:23:02,691
Now you can go to
the barn dance tonight.
520
00:23:02,715 --> 00:23:05,060
- No I'm afraid not, I'll be
leaving on the first plane.
521
00:23:05,084 --> 00:23:06,395
- Oh Mort, if you'll just...
522
00:23:06,419 --> 00:23:08,096
- Mind if I call the airport?
523
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,999
- Oh, uh, Mort, that, uh.
524
00:23:11,023 --> 00:23:11,900
- Hello, hello, hello?
525
00:23:11,924 --> 00:23:13,034
- Oh, it doesn't work.
526
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,136
- Yeah, I didn't think it would.
527
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,572
- Yeah, no, we
have another phone.
528
00:23:16,596 --> 00:23:18,407
I'll show you where it is.
529
00:23:18,431 --> 00:23:20,097
- You mean up there?
530
00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:22,811
- Yeah, when they put in
the phone they ran short
531
00:23:22,835 --> 00:23:25,381
of wire, and...
- Yes, I, I understand.
532
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:28,684
- What was that?
533
00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:32,342
- Oh, that's Kimball,
footing a shew quails.
534
00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:49,271
- What's, what's the number?
535
00:23:49,295 --> 00:23:51,807
- Just tell the operator
you want the airport.
536
00:23:51,831 --> 00:23:53,308
- Hello, hello?
537
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,066
- Doggone it.
538
00:24:01,541 --> 00:24:04,608
Ooh, I think I finally
got something.
539
00:24:05,845 --> 00:24:07,423
- You mean I have to
lie here on my stomach
540
00:24:07,447 --> 00:24:08,924
for a whole week?
541
00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:11,460
- The doctor didn't get
all the buckshot out yet.
542
00:24:11,484 --> 00:24:14,430
- He said you still have
few left in your birthmark.
543
00:24:14,454 --> 00:24:18,534
- There goes my
relationship with Doris Ziffel.
544
00:24:18,558 --> 00:24:21,570
- Mort, you might as
well relax, take a nap.
545
00:24:21,594 --> 00:24:22,738
We'll keep everything quiet
546
00:24:22,762 --> 00:24:24,540
and make sure
nobody bothers you.
547
00:24:24,564 --> 00:24:28,499
I'd appreciate that.
548
00:24:44,784 --> 00:24:46,528
- Oh, well I guess
he's feeling better,
549
00:24:46,552 --> 00:24:48,218
he turned on the TV.
550
00:25:27,426 --> 00:25:31,595
This has been a Filmways
presentation, Darling.
35959
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