All language subtitles for Green Acres - S05E14 - The Wishbook.eng

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- What are you looking at?

- The rain.

- Do you know, when I
was a little girl in Hungary

and it rained, I used
to stand by the window

with my nose pressed
against the pane.

Sometimes, I
stood there for hours

before my father
saw me and let me in.

- What?

- You know, rain
is very romantical.

Why don't we get
cozy and light a fire?

- I don't want to go out in
the rain to get the wood.

- Then why don't we
sit down on the loveseat

and turn on the TV?

- No, thanks.

- How would you like to slip
into something more comfortable

and turn on the hi-fi?

- No.

- How would you like to
open up a bottle of champagne

and turn me on?

- Lisa, I got a lot of...

Lisa, I got a lot of
things I gotta do.

- Like what?

- It's a good day to catch
up on my bookkeeping.

- And what am I supposed to do?

- Haven't you got
anything to read?

- Just last year's diary.

Boy, was that dull!

- Well, look, if...

- Do you want to help
me jazz up this year?

- Later.

But Ollie, why?

- Shut the door, ya...
- Yes, sir!

Boy, what a storm!

- You knucklehead!

How's the barn?

- Fine, it floats beautifully.

- What?

- Last time I saw it, it
was headed downstream,

and Eleanor the cow was
sittin' on the roof wavin' goodbye.

- Oliver, Eleanor will drown!

You got to...

- The barn's all right,
I was just funnin'.

- I'll fun you!

- Are you sure that
Eleanor is all right?

- Yes, ma'am, she's nice
and dry and cozy in the barn.

I lit the kerosene
lantern for her

and told her how the
Chicago fire started

and left her to her own devices.

Eb, will you...

What's that?

- What's what?

That!

- Oh, I forgot about him.

This is Al.

Al, say hello to the folks.

- How do you do?

You're very cute.

- He says you're cute too.

- He has legs just
like you, Oliver.

- Where did you get that?

- My turtle brought him home.

She always wanted a pet.

Oh, for the love of...

Put him outside.

- Oliver, it's cold and rainy.

He'll get all wet.

- It won't hurt him,
frogs live in the water.

- Not Al!

He's got a sinus condition.

- Where'd he go?

He jumped in there.

- Eb, will you get
him outta there?

- Yes, sir.

Come on out, Al!

He wants to know
what you want him for.

- Just get him out.

- Come on, Al.

Al!

What's this, he cried,
his voice full of surprise.

Jumpin' Jehosaphat,
he exclaimed!

It's a mail order
catalog dated 1898.

- Let me see it.

- Belongs to Al.

It was in his hole.

- Give me that!

Hey, I'll be darned,
it's a wish book.

- What's that?

- It's what they call
a mail order catalog.

You know, people
look at the pictures

of all the things in here
and they wish they had 'em.

Look at some of the things
they had in those days.

Pocket watches, huh?

Kerosene lamps.

And look at these prices!

Number 2319, our
five-piece parlor suite

consisting of
sofa, large rocker,

large armchair,
two parlor chairs.

- It's horrible, but at that
price, we ought to buy one.

- Look at number 2976,

a lady's suit for
$6 and 75 cents.

And ladies' hats
for $2 and 25 cents.

And ladies' genuine leather
shoes for $1.95 a pair.

- Where are the mink coats?

- They didn't have
them in those days.

- Well, I guess women
never went out in those days

because men looked like that.

- Hey, you've
got a suit like that.

- I have not!

- Come in!

- Golly, what a foul day!

- Yeah.

Will ya!

- I wouldn't a-even come
out if I hadn't a-promised

to deliver your order.

- What order?

- 100 pounds of frog food.

- How much do we
owe you, Mr. Haney?

- $29.

- 29...

- I assume you wanted
the vitalized frog food.

- I didn't want any.

- This is a special mixture,
scientifically prepared.

It contains 12
vitamins, 16 minerals,

and an assortment
of Mexican fruit flies.

They're the ones
wearin' the sombreros.

- Oh, boy, that sounds
yummy, don't it, Al?

- Well, if you'll just make
me out your check for $38...

- I thought you
said it was only 29.

- Yes, ma'am, but
I have to charge $9

for deliverin' in the rain
'cause my tires shrink.

- I'm not giving you...
- What have we here?

- Oh, that's an 1898 wish bow.

- A wish book.

- Where did you find this?

- Al found it in his frog house.

- Well, if that don't
beat a cob of corn.

Do you know who
this belonged to?

Calvin Whittaker, you see,
there's his name, right there.

- Who was he?

- He was the fellow
that sold this house

to my grandfather originally.

Did I ever tell you about my
grandfather, Originally Haney?

- Fortunately, no.

- Well, it's high time I did.

Now, just get over there and
make yourselves comfortable.

Come on.

- Golly, what a gassy
way to spend an afternoon,

listenin' to
Mr. Haney spin tales!

- Why don't you...
- Oh, sit down, Oliver.

I want to watch
Mr. Haney spin his tale.

- He's not going to...

- Go ahead, Mr. Haney, spin it.

- Well, it was in the year 1898.

You was probably
still in high school.

- I wasn't even...

- Anyway, that was the
year that Calvin married

the erstwhile Tessie
Schmidthammer,

and from what I have heard,

she strongly resembled
you, Mrs. Douglas.

She was as pretty
as a birch tree

in a field of rhododendriums.

- Rhododendriums?

- And like you, Mrs. Douglas,
she came from the old country.

- What old country?

- Any old country, she
couldn't get a passport.

- What has all this got
to do with the catalog?

- Well, I'm coming to that.

It was on a June day when
Calvin carried his bride, Tessie,

through that very door.

- We're home, we're home!

There, how do ya like it?

- Oh, it's beautiful, Kervin!

- Calvin.

- Give me time.

We've only been
married two hours.

- Yes, well, you
haven't kissed me yet.

- What was your name again?

- Come on, how about a kiss?

- Ooh, you're rushing
the post-maritals.

- But...
- Who was your decorator?

- Oh, the wish book!

- What's that?

- It's a mail order catalog.

You can order anything you want.

- Oh, well, if you ordered
all these beautiful furnitures,

why didn't you order
some new wallpapers,

and have the holes
fixed in the wall?

- Oh, never!

It stays just the way it is.

It keeps my tax assessment down.

- You've got a good cheap
head on your shoulders.

Do you know what, Carl?

- Calvin!

- Why do you keep
changing your name?

- Come on, I'll show
you the rest of the house.

This is the bedroom.

- I'd rather see
the kitchen first.

Did all of this come
out of the fish hook?

- The wish book.

You see, this stove
is number 3948,

and this set here,
this is number 2214.

Now would you like
to see the bedroom?

- How 'bout visiting
the neighbors?

- Well, maybe you'd like
to change your clothes?

- Into what?

- I mean, get into
something more comfortable.

- Well, I'll see if I
can find something.

Well, sir, Tessie and
Calvin settled down

to a happy and pleasant life.

Tessie!

Would you come into
the bedroom for a minute?

- You never give up, do you?

- Oh, look, Tessie, what are
you doing with the wish book?

- I'm looking at this ring.

How would you
like to buy me one?

- Oh, I can't afford to.

I need every cent I
have for farm equipment.

I'm going to start a dairy farm.

Let me show you the first
thing I'm going to order.

Number 2947,

a peerless cream separator.

Well, sir, it was
about two weeks later

when a package arrived
from the catalog house,

and Calvin eagerly unpacked it.

- Our cream separator!

Oh, this is the start
of our dairy farm.

- Well, a ring would
have been nicer.

That doesn't look like the
picture in the wish book.

- No, it doesn't.

What's this?

At your request, we're
enclosing your order

for a number 2947
Grumbacher Magic Lantern.

A magic lantern?

Oh, they sent the wrong thing!

I ordered a number 2974,
they sent me a number 2947

Grumbacher Magic Lantern!

The dunderheads!

I'm gonna send it back.

- But we could use a
lantern in the parlor.

- We need a cream separator!

- Not in the parlor!

Oh, all right.

Let's try it tonight,
we'll see if it's any good.

It doesn't give much light.

- Calvin, Calvin!

- What's the matter?

- There's a man on our wall!

- Hey, that's Abraham Lincoln!

- How did he get on the wall?

- He's coming from
the magic lantern here.

- How did he get in there?

- He's not in there, he, oh!

Hey, he's on this!

- How did he get on there?

- I haven't the faintest idea!

- Look, he's upside-down!

How did he do that?

- I don't know, but Tessie,

I have the feeling I've
stumbled on to something.

There's a fortune to be
made with this machine.

People will pay admission to see

a president of the United States

standing on his
head on the wall.

- Send it back and get
the cream separator.

- Nothing doing!

This is the start of a
whole new career for me!

I'm gonna open up the
first wall picture theater.

Calvin went up to
Pixley to look for a place

to use as a wall
picture theater.

He had a choice between
Thornton's Dry Goods Store,

Scarpita's Shoe Repair Store,
or the Pixley butcher shop.

The butcher shop won out

'cause their walls
were a little cleaner.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Kimball.

- Howdy.

The shop was run
by Fritz Kimball,

who was Hank
Kimball's grandpappy.

- There we are.

I had to raise the
price of pork chops.

Well, I didn't have to,

but since I'm the
only butcher in town,

I figured I might just as well.

- Look, Mr. Kimball,

would you be interested in
making some extra money?

- Oh, no, thanks.

I already got a crooked scale.

- Oh, no, no, no.

What I want to do is to
rent your store at night

to show wall pictures.

- Wall pictures?

Nothing degenerate, is it?

- Oh, no, no, it's a
form of entertainment.

- Well...
- I'll give you 15 cents a night

and a free pass
for every showing.

- Boy, it's a deal!

- Ladies and gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please?

Tonight, you're going
to see a brand new form

of entertainment, wall pictures!

Lights, please.

Ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time anywhere,

Abraham Lincoln standing on

his head!

Lights, please!

That concludes
tonight's performance.

Be sure and tell all
your friends, thank you.

Calvin's wall pictures
were a big success.

Every night, people'd come
from miles around to see...

Abraham Lincoln
standing on his head!

Then came one of
the hottest summers

they ever had in this
part of the country,

and the audience
dwindled to nothing.

- Well, it looks like

we're out of the
wall picture business.

We haven't had anybody
in here for a week.

- It's the heat.

- Well, you might as well
send back the lantern,

and send for the
cream separator.

- I'm not giving up.

- But we're losing
money foot over mouse.

Nobody wants to sit inside
on a hot night like this.

- Evenin'.

- Oh, Mr. Kimball,

we're not gonna show
the picture tonight.

- Oh, I didn't come
down to see that.

I've seen it 78 times already.

I know the story
pretty well by now.

It's about this president
that stands on his head.

- Yeah, well.

- I just come down
to sleep in my ice box.

It's the only cool
place in town.

- Mr. Kimball?

Tessie, Mr. Kimball
solved our problem.

Again, Calvin had
shown his great ingenuity.

For eight weeks, they
showed Abraham Lincoln

standin' on his head
to packed houses.

But then, tragedy struck.

He dropped his slide.

- Well, you broke your business!

They want to see the show.

- Yeah, well, what can I do?

Tessie, look at that.

- It's just your
fingers on the wall.

- No, no, I have a
feeling it's more than that.

- Oh, send for the
cream separator!

- No, no, look, I made a dog.

It moves!

Tessie, you know
what I've invented?

Calvin's moving wall pictures

were an instant success.

For two months,
they coined money,

and then, once
again, tragedy struck.

- What's the matter?

- I got rheumatism!

- Boy, did I marry
a prize package!

Send for the cream separator.

- No!

I'm not giving up.

Show business is in my blood.

- Maybe I could
make a wall picture.

- Oh, don't be silly.

Superstars only
happen once in a lifetime.

- Oh, boy.

You've been working in
that butcher shop too long,

I can smell the ham.

- Tessie, have faith in me.

- What are you going to do?

- I read about a place
out West called Hollywood,

which is becoming the
entertainment capital of the world.

Now, as soon as
this gets better,

I'm going out there
and show them my...

- Movin' picture walls?

- No, moving wall pictures.

- What do we need them for?

We make moving
pictures at this studio.

- What are they?

- We put pictures
of people on film

and shine 'em on a screen.

- Upside-down?

- No!

- Now, who'd wanna
go to see them?

My idea is better.

I have this magic lantern,

and I put my fingers in
front of the beam of light,

and I make animals on the wall.

- He can do a
raccoon and a monkey,

or a salmon swimming upstream.

- Every night, I play to a
packed butcher shop in Pixley.

Here, let me show you.

- Out.

- But I...
- Out!

- Wait a second, that's
no way to treat a superstar!

Nowhere in the
world is there anybody

with fingers like his,

and you treat him like
he's a poor schnook.

- Say that again.

- Which part?

- Any part!

- Wait a second, that's
no way to treat a schnook.

- No, no, I believe you said,

"That's no way to
treat a superstar."

- Would you be quiet?

Madam, have you ever thought

that you'd like
to act in pictures?

- She doesn't have any
talent, it's my fingers that...

- If you don't keep quiet,
I'm gonna have the guards

throw you out of here.

Do you want to be in pictures?

- Why, yes, but what
about the schnook?

- Well, maybe we can find
a nice cheap sanitarium.

- It's a deal.

And so, Tessie started
her career in pictures.

First came Up the Nile, in
which she played Cleopatra.

Then came a succession of hits.

She starred as Scarface
in that prison picture,

Romeo and Joliet.

And then came a Roman
love story, Ben's Her.

But her biggest hit was
The Great Drain Robbery.

In the meantime, Calvin had
returned to the farmhouse,

where he sat for
hours staring at the wall,

wonderin' what to do with it.

Then, once again,
fate took a hand.

- Why not?

- Tessie, you had no
right to leave the set.

You're in the middle
of your biggest picture.

- But you've got to
listen to my husband!

He has a great idea.

- All right, what is it?

- This.

- A mouse?

- Yes, sir.

- Isn't he clever?

- I don't know.

What can he do?

- She means me.

That mouse is gonna
be your biggest star.

I propose that you
use him in your pictures

instead of people.

I even have a name
for him, Dickey.

- Dickey?

- Yes, sir.

Dickey Mouse.

- Isn't that clever?

- Get him outta here!

And forget about
a cheap sanitarium.

Put him in a good one, now!

- Sorry, Dickey.

Poor Calvin,

he walked out of that
producer's office never knowin'

how close he came to
creating Mickey Mouse.

And that's the story of Calvin
Whittaker and the wish book.

- Oh, that's a sad story.

- Sad?

That isn't exactly the
word I would have used.

- What happened to Calvin?

- Oh, he came back here and
sent for the cream separator,

but it never came.

So, finally, he went bankrupt

and he had to sell this
house to my grandpappy.

- What happened to Tessie?

- Oh, she did fine until
talkin' pictures came along,

but nobody could
understand her thick accent.

- Well, I wonder why
they couldn't do that.

- What did you say?

- Well, it stopped rainin'.

I guess I'll be runnin' along.

- Oh, don't let me stop ya.

- Oh, you can just mail me
your check for the frog food.

- Oliver, isn't it exciting
to think that this house

once belonged to
the man who invented

the moving wall pictures?

- And don't forget Dickey Mouse.

- Aw, now will you...

- Just think, all of that
wouldn't have happened

if he didn't send for
the cream separator,

which never arrived.

- Lisa, you don't really
believe that nutty...

- Excuse me, I'm looking
for a Calvin Whittaker.

- He doesn't live here anymore.

- Well, I'm from the
mail order catalog house.

If you see him, would you
tell him we can't fill his order?

We're all out of
cream separators.

- Well, Mr. Doubting
Denny Thomas,

you didn't believe the story.

How could the...

Oh, shut up!

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.