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♪ Green Acres is the place to be
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00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:25,902
♪ Farm living is the life for me
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00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:29,939
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
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00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:34,111
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside
5
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:38,181
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
6
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:42,152
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
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00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:46,089
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
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00:00:46,113 --> 00:00:50,960
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
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00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:57,467
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
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00:00:57,491 --> 00:01:00,303
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
11
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:02,105
♪ Goodbye city life
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00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:05,730
♪ Green Acres we are there
13
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- Well that's the
strangest thing.
14
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:25,095
I'm sure it was here somewhere.
15
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:27,064
- What's your problem?
16
00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:31,868
- I'm looking for a jar of,
oh here, no it isn't either.
17
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,570
Did you take it?
- Take what?
18
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,539
- My after bath cream.
19
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,162
- After bath cream?
20
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:39,376
- It comes in a set.
21
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,979
Now this is the
before bath cream,
22
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,881
and this is the
during bath cream
23
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:47,850
and I can't find the after bath.
24
00:01:47,874 --> 00:01:50,320
- Can't you just use
the before or the during?
25
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:53,090
- Not for after anymore
than I can use the before
26
00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:56,626
for the during or the
during for the before.
27
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:59,463
- There must be something
you can use out of all this junk.
28
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:00,430
- Junk?
29
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,567
Do you know how much this costs?
30
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:04,601
- 20 cents?
31
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,169
- $40!
32
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:08,693
- 40, what is it?
33
00:02:10,397 --> 00:02:12,709
Youthful elbow cream.
34
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:16,079
- You use that to make
your elbows young.
35
00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:18,081
- What do you need
young elbows for?
36
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,117
- To keep up with
the rest of you.
37
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:23,420
There is no sense in
putting on young face cream
38
00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:25,255
and young eye
cream if you're going to
39
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:27,157
walk around with old elbows.
40
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:29,959
- No that wouldn't...
41
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,195
- That is one of Madam
Tchaikovsky's bestsellers.
42
00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:35,865
- Tchaikovsky, is she any
relation to the composer?
43
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:38,502
- That was his wife, but when
the music business got bad
44
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:41,204
she went into the
cosmetetical business
45
00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:42,572
to support the family.
46
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,475
- Cosmetetical?
47
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,310
- First thing tomorrow
I want you to take me
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00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:50,847
to Drucker's store so I can
buy some after bath cream.
49
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:53,049
- I can just see the expression
on Mr. Drucker's face
50
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,851
when you ask him for it.
51
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,475
- After bath cream?
52
00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:59,022
- Yeah it's part of a set.
53
00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:01,458
They have a before, and a during
54
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,560
and my wife is out of the after.
55
00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:05,928
- Oh, well...
56
00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:07,897
- It's made by
Madam Tchaikovsky.
57
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,533
- The wife of the composer.
58
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:12,169
She went into the
cosmetetical business
59
00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:16,439
when he was having trouble
selling his symphonies.
60
00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:17,907
- Oh well I didn't know he...
61
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,544
- Do you have any other
kind of an after bath cream?
62
00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,412
- Well no ma'am I just
carry a few cosmetics
63
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:25,081
as an accommodation for
the women folk around here.
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00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,449
- What have you got?
65
00:03:26,473 --> 00:03:28,652
- Well I got mercurochrome.
66
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:31,020
The women use
that for nail polish.
67
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,155
- Nail...
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00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:33,356
- Then I have
Pickney's lamp black.
69
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,025
They use that for eye shadow.
70
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,262
But this is my biggest seller,
71
00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:40,897
McGivney's silver polish.
72
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,599
- Silver polish?
73
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,568
- Yeah the women
use it for a face cream,
74
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,369
gives 'em a nice
shine and it keeps 'em
75
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,605
from tarnishing when
they go out into the sun.
76
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,241
- Oh boy.
77
00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:53,176
- Mr. Drucker, I'm
surprised that you don't carry
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00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,245
a line of cosmeteticals.
79
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,546
- Well I often thought about it,
80
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,181
but I don't know beans about it.
81
00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:00,584
- Well, maybe I could help you.
82
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:01,884
- How?
83
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,286
- I have a feeling
you're going to be sorry
84
00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:05,622
you asked that, Mr. Drucker.
85
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:09,226
- Well I could help you to
order everything you need.
86
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,793
- Well yeah but
who's gonna sell it?
87
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,762
- That's your second
stupid question.
88
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,399
- I could sell them for you.
89
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,567
- You could?
90
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,302
- You don't know
when to quit, do you?
91
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,771
- Well that sounds
like a good idea.
92
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,039
- It does?
93
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,641
- Well is there any
place in this store
94
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:27,577
where there is room for
a cosmetetical counter?
95
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,879
- Don't answer that!
96
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:31,848
- Well let's see.
97
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,417
- Well I don't need
anything fancy.
98
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,918
- Well maybe I could
clear off this table
99
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,621
and you could
use it for a counter.
100
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,256
- Well that would be wonderful.
101
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,657
- Then I guess
we're in business.
102
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:42,125
- Yes.
103
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:45,362
- I never saw a man so happy
about going to his own funeral.
104
00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:56,806
Lisa haven't you
started dinner yet?
105
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,742
- Yes I'm boiling
a pot of water.
106
00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:00,277
- For what?
107
00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:03,079
- Well I thought I'd
leave that part up to you.
108
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,080
- Look I'm...
109
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:05,315
- I'm trying to make out a list
110
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:09,286
for the cosmeteticals
I'm going to order.
111
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:11,721
- You're not really
serious are you?
112
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,524
- Well I shook hands
with Mr. Drucker didn't I?
113
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,058
- Well yes but...
114
00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:18,395
- Well I'm not the kind of a
girl who shakes and forgets.
115
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:19,929
- Well I didn't...
116
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,365
- You can help me with
the list if you want to.
117
00:05:22,389 --> 00:05:23,800
- What do you want me to do?
118
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,802
- Write out a check for $5,000.
119
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,271
- 5,000...
120
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,572
- Make it out to
cash, that's the name
121
00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,741
I'll be using for a while.
122
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,444
- How much stuff are you buying?
123
00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:35,745
- Different women
need different things
124
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,415
to be beautiful in
different departments.
125
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:39,816
- In different...
126
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,619
- Yes the face usually
needs the most work,
127
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:44,754
so let's start
with the forehead.
128
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:47,890
Now the forehead needs
forehead cleansing cream,
129
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:51,227
forehead wrinkle cream,
forehead face cream,
130
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:54,798
forehead smoothing cream,
forehead penetrating cream,
131
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:56,199
forehead peeling cream...
132
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:58,301
- That's just for the forehead.
133
00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:01,371
- Now we move on
to the eye section.
134
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:03,473
I divided that in three parts.
135
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:07,310
The eyebrows, the
eyeball, and the eyelashes.
136
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:12,816
Now for the eyebrows you
need eyebrow cleansing cream,
137
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,118
eyebrow wrinkle cream,
eyebrow base cream,
138
00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:17,821
eyebrow smoothing cream...
139
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,356
- That sounds just
like the same stuff
140
00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:20,757
you had for the forehead.
141
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:23,660
- It is, except it is
for the eyebrows.
142
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:28,387
Now we come to,
did I say tweezers?
143
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:31,368
- I don't believe so.
144
00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:32,891
- Eyebrow tweezer.
145
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:36,673
- Don't they have a
forehead tweezer?
146
00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,207
- I forgot about that.
147
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,731
Forehead tweezers.
148
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,079
- You mean there
is such a thing?
149
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,414
- As what?
150
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,215
- As forehead tweezers!
151
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,884
- I already wrote that down.
152
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:50,553
- Oh for the love of...
153
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,088
- Now for the eyelashes.
154
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,957
For that I'm going to order...
155
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,426
I wonder who that is.
156
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,450
- Sounds like Mr. Haney.
157
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,399
Oh it is Mr. Haney.
158
00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:18,581
- Mr. Douglas, Mrs.
Douglas, may I be the first
159
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:21,518
to congratulate you
on your new business.
160
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,586
- Why thank you Mr. Haney.
161
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,121
Oh isn't it beautiful?
162
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:28,024
- This is the silliest
looking thing I've ever seen.
163
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,225
- Silly?
164
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:32,717
Mr. Douglas that is
$69 worth of horseshoe.
165
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:37,300
And I purchased it
just for you, Mrs. D.
166
00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:38,835
- Really?
167
00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:43,105
Well then why does it say good
luck to Harry's Butcher Shop?
168
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,441
- Well if it brought
good luck to Harry
169
00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:46,876
I figured it'd bring
good luck to your wife.
170
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:51,147
- All right thank you
very much Mr. Haney.
171
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:52,916
Oliver, here you are.
172
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:55,084
- Oh no Lisa, now what
am I gonna do with a...
173
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,619
- And when will you be opening
174
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:59,889
your cosmetetical
business Mrs. Douglas?
175
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,458
- Cosmetetical?
176
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,059
There's no such word as...
177
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,695
- As soon as I get
my cosmeteticals.
178
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:08,731
I was just making out
the list of the stuff I need.
179
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:11,768
- Then how fortuotous
that I dropped by.
180
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:12,958
- Fortuotuous?
181
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,727
- It means lucky.
182
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,178
Now if I can just
have your order.
183
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:23,646
- Come on Lisa...
184
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,281
- Now Mr. Haney, I was
planning to do my ordering
185
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:27,183
from the Lady Love company.
186
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:30,386
- The Lady Love company,
are they still in business?
187
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,088
- Yes they are.
188
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,256
- Then they must
have won that lawsuit.
189
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,793
I wonder what happened
to that poor bald woman
190
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,361
that used their hairspray.
191
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,532
- I think they make
very good cosmeteticals.
192
00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:44,601
- Not according to
an independent survey
193
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,970
made in a small midwestern town
194
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:50,707
where half of the women were
given Lady Love hand cream
195
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,942
to use on their hands,
and the other half
196
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:55,979
were given my hand
cream and would you believe
197
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:59,782
that in my group there
was not a single cavity?
198
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:02,418
- What has that
got to do with the...
199
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,020
- Well Mr. Haney I...
200
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,990
- Just a moment please, what
has that got to do with what?
201
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,892
- Well what has
that got to do with...
202
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:10,527
- You were saying Mrs. Douglas?
203
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,564
- Well I was going to say
that I can get everything I need
204
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,432
from the Lady Love company.
205
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:20,737
- Including mademoiselle
Yvette's face rejuvenating cream
206
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:24,073
which contains a magic
ingredient, hamster milk?
207
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:26,876
- Hamster milk?
208
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:30,880
- It picks up where
turtle oil fears to tread.
209
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,949
- How do you get hamster milk?
210
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:34,216
- By milking a hamster.
211
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,619
- Oh for...
212
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,721
- Would you care to
watch a milking session?
213
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,057
- I most certainly would.
214
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,081
- This way.
215
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,551
May I introduce Gwendolyn?
216
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,065
How do you do?
217
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,900
- Oh Lisa you don't know...
218
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,670
- Excuse us,
Gwendolyn is a little shy
219
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:57,674
about strangers
watching her being milked.
220
00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:59,642
- I didn't know you
could milk a hamster.
221
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:03,134
Oh you can't he's just...
222
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:10,152
- There you are,
grade A hamster milk.
223
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:13,322
- And you said it
couldn't be done.
224
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,291
- By using just one jar a week
225
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,827
of this face rejuvenating cream,
226
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:20,930
containing the
aforementioned hamster milk,
227
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,600
you can keep young
looking forever.
228
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:24,689
- Oh brother.
229
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:29,806
- I'm prepared to back up
my statement with living proof.
230
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:32,764
Abigail, would you
come out please?
231
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:40,282
Mr. Douglas, may I
present Abigail Haney,
232
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:41,951
my great great grandmother.
233
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:44,921
- Your great great...
234
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,923
- Granny, how long
have you been using
235
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,458
Haney's rejuvenating cream?
236
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,149
- 75 years grandson.
237
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:55,698
- 70...
- And how old are you?
238
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:56,722
- 93.
239
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:02,672
- Oliver, doesn't she
look wonderful for 93?
240
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:05,196
- She's not 90, she's a shill!
241
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:10,079
- Oliver that's no way to
talk about a nice old lady.
242
00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:14,917
- If you'll just give me the
order, I'll get granny home.
243
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:16,919
She has to get back to her desk.
244
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:21,290
She's writing her
memoirs of the Civil War.
245
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:22,558
- Well we won't keep her.
246
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:25,695
Goodbye Mr. Haney and
goodbye to you granny
247
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:28,264
you luscious
looking senior citizen.
248
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,667
- Oliver!
- Come on Lisa.
249
00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:34,603
- Oh Oliver, maybe I should
have ordered some of that cream.
250
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:36,305
- You don't need anything else.
251
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:39,042
Mr. Drucker's given you a
very small table in the store,
252
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:40,242
now where could you possibly put
253
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:41,944
more than a couple
of dozen jars?
254
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:45,203
- Oh well I have to
think of something.
255
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:58,861
- Well if it isn't the
Monroe brothers.
256
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,125
- You don't have to bow to her.
257
00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,688
- No, just kiss my hand honey.
258
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,002
- You were supposed to show up
259
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:08,037
six weeks ago,
where have you been?
260
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,872
- We've been working
over at the state college.
261
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:10,973
- Doing what?
262
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,831
- Making picket signs.
263
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,144
- We made a couple of extra ones
264
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,946
in case you give us any trouble.
265
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,048
- Look you promised me
you'd finish the bedroom.
266
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,282
- Promise is a promise.
267
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:24,187
- Right, not to us, but
to some carpenters.
268
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:27,323
- If there were any other
carpenters around here...
269
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:31,694
- There's just us poopsie,
what does that do to your id?
270
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:32,695
- We'd have been here sooner
271
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:34,797
only we were waiting for lumber.
272
00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:36,032
- Yeah we knew
you wanted the best,
273
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:37,266
so we had to wait
until they tore down
274
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:38,868
Luke Rockwell's chicken coop.
275
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,470
- Chicken coop lumber?
276
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:44,874
- That's the best you can
get, it's aged in the egg.
277
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:48,310
- Well pick it up, carry it
inside, and start putting it on.
278
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,312
- Oh hello there!
279
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:51,380
- Morning Mrs. Douglas.
280
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:53,415
- Gosh don't you look beautiful?
281
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:54,984
I bet you just got up, too.
282
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:57,286
- No no I've been up
about a half an hour.
283
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,554
- You don't look that good
284
00:12:58,578 --> 00:12:59,922
after you've been
up for three weeks.
285
00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:00,890
- Al.
286
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,491
- Or three years.
287
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:05,394
- How would you like
a bop in the beezer?
288
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:06,629
- How would you like to go in
289
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,064
and start working
on the bedroom?
290
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:09,832
- If you have a
beauty problem...
291
00:13:09,856 --> 00:13:11,600
- Problems, she's got
the only face in town
292
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,402
that's been declared
a disaster area.
293
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:16,973
- How would you like
a shot in the head?
294
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:19,876
- You lay one finger on
me and I'm gonna tell Mom.
295
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,410
- If you two spent
as much time working
296
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,678
as you do fighting
you would have
297
00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:24,647
been finished with the
bedroom two years ago.
298
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,231
- How would you like
a shot in the head?
299
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,085
- Oh now see here...
300
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,620
- Now Ralph, as I was saying,
if you have a beauty problem
301
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,923
I am opening a
cosmetetical department
302
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,858
in Mr. Drucker's store.
303
00:13:35,882 --> 00:13:37,693
- Well that's wonderful.
304
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,830
I need a pair of
forehead tweezers.
305
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:42,231
- There's no such thing as...
306
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:44,834
- I am going to carry a
complete line of cosmeteticals.
307
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:45,835
I am going to have...
308
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:48,404
- Lisa you're holding them up.
309
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,807
- Well it never hurts
to do a little advertising.
310
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,208
- Well do as little as you can
311
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:55,912
so that they can get
started on the bedroom huh?
312
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,347
- Boy he's a real hyperthyroid.
313
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,149
- What does that mean?
314
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,051
- Means he's got too
much hyper in his thyroid.
315
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,021
Let's pick up the lumber then.
316
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,857
- As soon as I hear
about the cosmetics.
317
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:10,048
- Of all the blundering...
318
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,384
Eb what are you doing?
319
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:15,664
- Freezing a part in my hair.
320
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:18,734
- What?
321
00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:21,804
Get your head
out of there you...
322
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:24,106
- You see what I do is I
give myself a shampoo
323
00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:25,774
and then I rush my
head into the refrigerator
324
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,810
and I'm well groomed all day.
325
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:30,546
- Yes, well...
- Unless the sun comes out.
326
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:34,283
- Now I got three nitwits here.
327
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:35,918
- Oh the Monroe
brothers showed up huh?
328
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:37,353
- Finally!
329
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,654
- Boy I heard they did a
great job on the picket signs
330
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:40,622
over at the state college.
331
00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:41,858
- I have no...
332
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,492
- Not only do they
build the signs,
333
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:46,028
but they make up
their own slogans like
334
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:49,966
bean the dean, keep your
cool don't burn the school,
335
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,934
and don't popcorn on
the roof of the dorm.
336
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,270
- I'm not interested in...
337
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:55,238
- One of these
days they're going
338
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,173
to make the big time, Berkeley.
339
00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:00,776
- Eb I have enough problems!
340
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:04,513
- Oh Oliver, oh Eb I
see you had your head
341
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,448
in the refrigerator again.
342
00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:07,783
- Yes ma'am!
343
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,718
- Looks very nice.
344
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,153
- Look how about breakfast hm?
345
00:15:11,177 --> 00:15:13,856
- Oh from now on you
have to make your own.
346
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,092
I am a career woman.
347
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,327
- Did Alf and Ralph
start to work yet?
348
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,863
- No but they will
be in a half an hour.
349
00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:22,398
- Half an hour?
350
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,499
- That's how long
it's going to take them
351
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,868
to get to Drucker's.
352
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,636
- Why are they
going to Drucker's?
353
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,338
- To build me some shelves.
354
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:30,606
- What?
355
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,275
- Remember the idea
you had last night,
356
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:35,344
that I have too many cosmeteticals
and not enough space?
357
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:36,645
Well from now on I shall have
358
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,481
all the space I need
for everything I order.
359
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:42,285
- What about the bedroom?
360
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:43,719
- Business before pleasure.
361
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,999
- And a pound of what?
362
00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:58,500
What?
363
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:01,570
I'm sorry I can't hear you
Mrs. Wilson, just a minute.
364
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:04,095
Would you stop that hammering?
365
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:06,230
Stop hammering!
366
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:11,113
Would you tell him to
stop that hammering?
367
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:12,137
- Alf!
368
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:14,050
Alf!
369
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,251
- What?
370
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,086
- Grouchy wants you to stop.
371
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,354
- I gotta finish the shelf.
372
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:21,190
- Wait 'til I'm through
with the phone call.
373
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:24,360
Yes, five pounds
of apples yes ma'am
374
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:27,196
and a large bag of sugar.
375
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,465
- They got a sale on sugar
over at the market in Picksley.
376
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,554
- Will you...
377
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,370
All right ma'am stop blast you!
378
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:35,504
- Excuse me.
379
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,773
- No not you, Mrs. Wilson.
380
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:41,966
Yes, five pounds of flour
and what else, shortening?
381
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,604
Yes ma'am and eggs, a dozen.
382
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:52,554
Yes ma'am and what else
baking powder and hello?
383
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:53,578
Hello?
384
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:58,861
What's the matter with
this dingblasted phone?
385
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:01,563
- You think this
could be the trouble?
386
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,165
- You dummy!
387
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:04,467
- Who you calling a dummy?
388
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:05,667
- Your sister.
389
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,370
- Oh, what'd you do dummy?
390
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:08,394
- That!
391
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,507
- Don't get uptight, we're
not gonna charge you for it.
392
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,142
- Well how am I
gonna use the phone?
393
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,310
- Don't worry
about it, we'll splice
394
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,412
your wires back together for ya.
395
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,247
- Well, splice.
396
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,781
- Where you going?
397
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:21,317
- To see Mrs. Douglas.
398
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:24,286
They were making so much
noise I couldn't hear on the phone
399
00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:25,787
and as if that wasn't enough
400
00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:28,991
they sawed through
my telephone wire.
401
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:32,128
- Well, maybe that's
why you couldn't hear.
402
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,762
- Well no ma'am it
was the hammering.
403
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:37,500
Look Mrs. Douglas, maybe we
ought to forget the whole thing.
404
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:39,301
- Oh Mr. Drucker I promise you,
405
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:41,992
you won't have any more trouble.
406
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:05,894
- Here's four more cartons
Sam, where do you want 'em?
407
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,064
- Well I don't know there's
no more room in here.
408
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,432
- Well you better
make up your mind.
409
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:13,369
I still got 47 more
cartons on the train.
410
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:16,727
- Wait a second,
I'll call Mrs. Douglas.
411
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:22,366
Hello, Sarah, get me, hello?
412
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,337
Hello!
413
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:27,239
Hello hello!
414
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,319
Oh those darn Monroe brothers,
415
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,955
they spliced the
wires backwards.
416
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:34,044
Hello, Sarah?
417
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,449
Yeah Sam Drucker,
get me the Douglas farm.
418
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:40,862
- Hello.
419
00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:42,498
- Mr. Douglas it's Sam Drucker.
420
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,233
- I'm sorry I can't
hear you very well.
421
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:45,901
- That's because I'm
talking into the receiver
422
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:48,604
and listening with
the mouthpiece.
423
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,339
- I don't understand.
424
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:51,440
- Well the Monroe brothers...
425
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,674
- Now I understand.
426
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:55,177
- Is Mrs. Douglas there?
427
00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:56,112
I've got to talk to her.
428
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,647
- Well just a minute, Lisa!
429
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,048
Something wrong Mr. Drucker?
430
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,517
- I'll say there's
something wrong.
431
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:05,387
395 cartons of
cosmetics just arrived.
432
00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:06,855
- 300 and...
433
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:09,825
- The store is jammed
full of 'em, I can't move.
434
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:12,228
- Oliver, did you want me?
435
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:14,963
- Yeah it's Mr. Drucker, he
says your cosmetics arrived.
436
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,798
- Oh well that's wonderful!
437
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:20,902
- He doesn't think so, there
are 395 cartons of them.
438
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:23,405
- Well that must be
the first shipment.
439
00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:24,873
- The first shipment?
440
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,875
- Did you say
the first shipment?
441
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:28,611
Holy smoke, what am I gonna do?
442
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:31,113
There isn't an inch
of space left here.
443
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,115
- Well just a
minute, I'll find out.
444
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:34,583
Mr. Drucker wants to
know where he's supposed
445
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:36,585
to put all that stuff,
he hasn't got any room!
446
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:41,390
- Tell him not to worry,
I'll think of something.
447
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,598
- Oh Doris I've got a sale...
448
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:53,291
- Oh later Sam, I want to look
at Mrs. Douglas's cosmetics.
449
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,310
- Oh hello there Mrs. Ziffel.
450
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:02,545
- Howdy Mrs. Douglas.
451
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:05,113
- Now come on Ralph,
why don't you join us?
452
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,916
I'm just going to
demonstrate my cosmeteticals.
453
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:11,420
Now, here this,
this is the eyeliner.
454
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,222
- Well what do I need that for?
455
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:16,158
My eyes have enough lines.
456
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:19,750
- This is to give your
eyes that sexy look.
457
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:24,233
- Ooh, could you
rub some all over me?
458
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:26,569
- No, this is just for the eyes.
459
00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:29,838
The all over you
comes in a big bottle.
460
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,440
- She'll need three
bottles of that.
461
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:35,233
- Look here Doris...
- Ladies, ladies!
462
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,168
And now to apply the eye.
463
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:47,356
- Mr. Drucker, what happened?
464
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:49,891
- Oh remember when your wife
said she'd think of something?
465
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,193
Well this is it.
466
00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:54,263
- You mean she's taken
over the whole store?
467
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:56,198
- Including my post office.
468
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:58,601
How did I ever get
snookered into this?
469
00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,103
- I don't want to
say I told you so.
470
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,905
- You can say it,
I'm going bankrupt.
471
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:05,874
The women are spending
all their money on cosmetics,
472
00:21:05,898 --> 00:21:07,776
they don't have
nothing left for groceries.
473
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,379
- Look, why didn't you
say something to my wife?
474
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:13,815
- Well I tried to but...
- Hello lover.
475
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:18,019
- Who are you?
476
00:21:18,043 --> 00:21:21,490
- I'm Ralph, the
sexy Monroe brother.
477
00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:22,680
How do I look?
478
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:26,027
- If you want to
sue, I'll be glad
479
00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:27,563
to handle the case for you.
480
00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:30,766
- Oh what does a man know.
481
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:32,268
- Now Ralph I got a sale on...
482
00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:35,504
- I'm sorry Sam, I spent all
my money in the beauty saloon.
483
00:21:36,929 --> 00:21:38,607
- See what I mean?
484
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:41,710
Doggone it Mr. Douglas,
what am I gonna do?
485
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:44,212
- Well I'll have a little
talk with Mrs. Douglas.
486
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:45,581
- You think that'll help?
487
00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:48,216
- Don't worry, I'll
make her see the light.
488
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,652
- Why am I looking at the light?
489
00:21:51,243 --> 00:21:55,624
- I told Mr. Drucker I'd make
you, it's just an expression.
490
00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,393
Now look, Mr. Drucker
was kind enough
491
00:21:57,417 --> 00:21:59,695
to offer you a small
space in his store,
492
00:21:59,719 --> 00:22:02,564
and you went ahead and
took over the whole thing.
493
00:22:02,588 --> 00:22:05,033
- Well I don't see
why he's complaining.
494
00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:06,968
I'm giving him
half of the profits
495
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,971
and he's getting a nice
suntan outside on the porch.
496
00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:14,510
- That isn't the point,
that's Mr. Drucker's store.
497
00:22:14,534 --> 00:22:17,179
It's his whole life, and
anyway this community
498
00:22:17,203 --> 00:22:21,372
needs a general store more
than it needs a cosmetic saloon.
499
00:22:22,675 --> 00:22:24,720
- Well I don't want
to hurt Mr. Drucker,
500
00:22:24,744 --> 00:22:27,523
but I'm enjoying my
cosmetetical business.
501
00:22:27,547 --> 00:22:29,325
- All you have to do is move it!
502
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:30,326
- Where?
503
00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:31,727
- I don't know!
504
00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:34,685
- Oh, well I'll
think of something.
505
00:22:38,224 --> 00:22:40,569
- And a can of peas, yes ma'am.
506
00:22:40,593 --> 00:22:42,471
Hello Mr. Douglas.
- Hi.
507
00:22:42,495 --> 00:22:44,239
Well I see everything's
back to normal.
508
00:22:44,263 --> 00:22:45,874
- Except the phone.
509
00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:50,045
Yes Mrs. Dooley, I'll have
the order ready for you.
510
00:22:50,069 --> 00:22:51,513
- When did my wife move out?
511
00:22:51,537 --> 00:22:53,014
- Early this morning.
512
00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:55,751
- Oh, well she was gone
when I was up this morning.
513
00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:57,486
Did she say where
she was moving to?
514
00:22:57,510 --> 00:23:01,612
- No, she just said she had
a perfect place picked out.
515
00:23:06,452 --> 00:23:07,629
- What's going on here?
516
00:23:07,653 --> 00:23:09,832
- Park your car sir?
- What?
517
00:23:09,856 --> 00:23:12,368
- It's a service of the Green
Acres Health and Beauty Farm.
518
00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:15,371
- You mean my wife...
- She sure did!
519
00:23:15,395 --> 00:23:19,274
- Ladies, this is the latest
thing, vanishing spray.
520
00:23:19,298 --> 00:23:23,133
It replaces the old
fashioned vanishing cream.
521
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,481
- Lisa!
522
00:23:25,505 --> 00:23:27,082
What have you done?
523
00:23:27,106 --> 00:23:29,985
- Oh Oliver, say
hello to the ladies.
524
00:23:30,009 --> 00:23:31,687
- I didn't come in to say hello,
525
00:23:31,711 --> 00:23:33,922
I came in to say goodbye.
526
00:23:33,946 --> 00:23:35,290
- Oh, bye.
527
00:23:36,883 --> 00:23:39,194
- Not me goodbye, you goodbye.
528
00:23:39,218 --> 00:23:42,264
You all goodbye,
everybody out come on, out.
529
00:23:42,288 --> 00:23:43,732
- Oliver!
530
00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:46,468
- Lisa you're not using our
home for a cosmetetical,
531
00:23:46,492 --> 00:23:49,927
a cosmoretrical, a
cos, cosmo, cosmopol...
532
00:23:52,197 --> 00:23:54,777
- Why don't you practice
your diction outside?
533
00:23:54,801 --> 00:23:56,812
- As I was saying
this vanishing spray
534
00:23:56,836 --> 00:24:00,282
makes wrinkles disappear,
freckles disappear,
535
00:24:00,306 --> 00:24:04,152
blemishes disappear, it can
make anything disappear!
536
00:24:04,176 --> 00:24:05,854
- Cosmetetical!
537
00:24:05,878 --> 00:24:06,878
- Bravo!
538
00:24:08,347 --> 00:24:09,825
- Lisa I want everybody out
of here, come on come on
539
00:24:09,849 --> 00:24:12,260
out out out all of you out!
540
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:15,686
You too, out out come
on, come on oh hey!
541
00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:26,408
So long Eb.
542
00:24:26,432 --> 00:24:27,709
- Mr. Douglas?
543
00:24:27,733 --> 00:24:29,445
Yes.
544
00:24:29,469 --> 00:24:30,979
- What happened to you?
545
00:24:31,003 --> 00:24:34,316
Stay away from that
vanishing spray, it's murder.
546
00:25:24,690 --> 00:25:28,859
This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.
37698
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