All language subtitles for Green Acres - S05E08 - The Youth Center.eng

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
gimme that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin', I love ya,
but gimme Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Time Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas.
- Hi, Alf.

Hello Ralph.

- Howdy doody, poopsie.

It beats me how you can look
so sexy any hour of the day.

- Ralph, will you...
- Still married, honey?

- Yes.

- Well, if your wife
ever throws ya out,

I'll be there to
catch ya, honey.

- That's a very
comforting thought.

Now, will you excuse me?

- Oh, youth before beauty.

Or is it beauty before youth?

- What difference does it make?

You don't fit either one of 'em.

- How would you
like a judo chop?

- Take this.

- Nothing personal.

- How do you like
that, Mr. Douglas?

- Well, it's...

- We're working for the
county road sign department.

I paint the signs
and he puts 'em up.

- Did you paint that?

- What?

- That sign on the door.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I painted that.

- You spelled road wrong.

- Where?

- Right there.

Road is R-O-A-D.

- Then what's R-O-D-E?

- Rode.

- Then what's the problem?

- Well, the problem is that...

- We painted a new
railroad crossing sign.

- Cawshun? That's
not spelled right, either.

- I told you it began with a K.

- It doesn't begin with a K.

- Which side of the track do
you think we oughta put it on?

- Well, why don't you
put it in the middle?

Maybe the train'll run over it.

- What's that?

We made you a
new Hooterville sign.

- It's wrong.

- Didn't I put enough
O's in Hooterville?

- You got our pop
wrong, and our El wrong.

- What do you mean?

- This ain't a pop 48
town, and it ain't an El 23.

- Who's gonna know?

- I will.

- It's going up as writ.

- Oh no it ain't.

You can't put up a sign
false advertisin' Hooterville.

- Those are the figures we got.

- Well, they're wrong.

- Sam, that sign's been
changed 10 times in the last year.

- Yeah, Hooterville
started out pop 68,

then it went to pop
62, then to pop 54,

then last week they
told us you were pop 48.

- Well, we're pop 46 now.

The two Enfield kids left
town, didn't they, Mr. Douglas?

- Well, yes...

- And another thing,
we're down to El 18.

- How'd the El...

I mean, how can
the elevation change?

- Hooterville is
subject to sinkin' spells.

- Sinking?

- Look, Sam, suppose
we redo the sign,

leave the numbers blank,
and then you can chalk in

your own pop and El.

- Fair enough.

- Come on, let's put
up the caution sign.

- Stick around, toots.

I'm off duty soon and
I can drive ya home.

- I've got a car.

- Oh, then how about
drivin' me home?

- Come on, Ralph.

- Mr. Drucker, I didn't
realize the population

of Hooterville has
been dropping so much.

- Oh, it sure has.

All the young people are
moving away to the city.

Pretty soon there won't
be anybody left here

except us old folks.

- I beg your pardon?

- Oh, I didn't mean you.

- Why are they leaving?

- Well I guess the kids just
don't wanna be farmers no more.

- Why not? This is a great life.

Fresh air, sunshine,
watching the crops grow.

What more do they want?

- Shorter hours and more pay.

- A couple of months
in that rat race of a city

and the exodus will stop.

- Well, nobody's
ever come back yet.

Everybody's exodussing
and nobody's is insodussing.

- Can you imagine, last
year there were 68 people

living in Hooterville.

This year, the entire
population is 46.

- Why so many?
- Lisa...

- Well, I don't blame
the kids for leaving.

- But Hooterville is their home.

- Oliver, when you are
young no place is your home.

- That's a very
philosophical statement.

- It is?
- Yeah.

- Who said it?
- You did.

- Oh, you must have
made me mad or something.

I remember when I
was a kid in Hungary.

I always used to say
to my father, the king,

"My father, the king,"
I used to say to him.

- Your father was never a king.

- Then why did
we live in a castle?

- You never lived in a castle.

- Then why did the knights
come over for dinner?

- What knights?

- Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, but not Thursday,

because that was
the maid's night out.

Or was that when
the knights made out?

- What has that got to do

with the young people
leaving Hooterville?

- I was coming to that.

You see when my
father was the king...

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.
- Yes?

- I'm Horace
Colby, I have a farm

about four miles down the road.

- This is my wife,
this is Mr. Colby.

- Howdy, ma'am.
- Howdy.

Won't you sit down?

- Oh, thank you.

Say, this is a nice
place you got here.

- It is?

- Say, I've seen your
farm, beautiful place.

- Oh, yes, the charming gray
house with the red shutters?

- No, ma'am, that's
the chickenhouse.

- Oh, then the house
is the big white building

with the green door?

- No, ma'am, that's the barn.

- Well, I thought the barn was

that old broken down building

with the chewing tobacco
sign painted on the side of it.

- No, ma'am, that's the house.

That's what I came
to talk to ya about.

- Well, we don't chew tobacco.

- I'm talkin' about the
farm, I wanna sell it.

- We'll buy it.

- Lisa...
- We can live in the barn.

It's probably nicer than this.

- Will you...

- Or the chickenhouse,
even with the chickens in it.

- Lisa, why don't you bring
Mr. Colby some iced coffee?

- I'll get it for you.

- Mr. Colby, I'm surprised
you wanna sell your farm.

- Well, I don't
really wanna sell it.

But I just ain't gonna be
able to handle it no more.

You see, my two sons
has helped me farm it,

and they're plannin' now
on movin' away to the city.

They think they
can do better there.

- Oh, I don't think that's true.

- Well, whether
it's true or not,

all their friends are goin'
and they don't wanna stay.

- That's quite a problem.

- I don't need you to
point that out to me.

I know it's quite a problem.

- Yes...

- Now, if all the young
folks keep leavin',

there ain't gonna be
anybody left around here

except old folks
like you and me.

- Well, I'm really not that...

- In a way, I don't blame
the boys for leavin'.

Now me, I've been
farmin' it all my life.

Gettin' up at four in the
mornin', doing the milkin',

workin' in the fields
all day in the hot sun,

and at night, well I'm so beat
I don't even have the energy

to put on my earphones
and listen to Myrt and Marge.

- Did you say Myrt and Marge?

- Yeah, they replaced
The Great Gildersleeve.

No sir, I just don't think

I can handle the
place all by myself.

- Why don't you hire somebody
to help you do the work?

- Hire somebody?

You can't even marry
somebody to help you with it.

- Well...

- Anyway, I thought you might
be a likely buyer for my farm.

- Well...

- Funny, talkin' to ya
face to face this way,

you don't seem to be as
cracked as everybody says ya are.

- I am not...
- I can give ya a good buy.

You won't get
stung with my place

like ya got stung on this one.

- I didn't get stung.

- Oh, yes you did.

- I did not.

What is that?

- Iced coffee.

Do you want me to open the can?

- Lisa, you're supposed to
brew the coffee with water first.

- Oh, you want the vet kind.

- Yes, the vet kind.

- No, never mind, Mrs.
Douglas, I'm on my way.

Now you think about what I said,

and if you're interested
I'll dicker ya a good deal.

- What did he mean, dicker you?

- Oh, that's the way
they talk in the country.

- Oh, didn't anybody
ever dicker you in the city?

- Of course, he wants
to sell me his farm,

because he can't
handle it anymore.

His sons are leaving
to go to the city.

- That sounds like a
couple of smart kids.

- Lisa, this is a
serious problem.

It's not only happening here,

but it's happening
in farm communities

all over the United States.

What's going to
happen to the farms

if everybody just moves
away and leaves 'em?

Who's gonna produce
the food to feed everybody?

- You're asking
the wrong person.

I'm just an expert
on mink coats.

- That has nothing...
- And diamonds.

- It's surprising to me
that towns like Hooterville

don't take steps to keep their
young people on the farms.

- And you're the fellow
that's going to do it.

- Well, I hadn't
thought about it,

but now that you mention
it, it might be a good idea

to call a special town meeting
to discuss the whole matter.

- Oliver, why do you always
have to be a goo-dooder?

- I'm not a goo-dooder, I'm
goo-googer, dooger goo...

I'm a do-gooder.

- Oliver, don't
get mixed up in it.

- Why not?

- Because every time
you open your mouth,

you end up getting
a shiv shoved into it.

Quiet, please, quiet.

That means you too, Arnold.

- He just wants to know
if he can go out to the car

and get his crossword puzzle.

- His crossword puzzle?

- Okay, Arnold.

I now declare this
emergency meetin'

of the Hooterville
township to be in session.

- What's the emergency?

- Well, that'll be explained
to us by Mr. Douglas,

who requested the meetin'.

- He requested it?
- Yeah.

I just remembered some real
unimportant stuff I gotta do.

- Set down, Haney.

Folks, I'd like
to present to you

the town's leading
goo-dooder, Mr. Douglas.

- Friends and neighbors,
I'll get right to the point.

- Yeah, we've heard that before.

- Fred you're outta order.

- Look, the reason I
asked to have this meeting

is because we're
faced with a real crisis.

- Arnold, will you
please be quiet?

- He's just apologizin'
for interrupting.

- That's all right,
that's all right.

- As long as things
have ground to a stop,

Arnold wants to know if
anybody's got a pencil.

- Here.

But be sure I get it back.

That's an official
government pencil.

- Now please, may I continue?

What I started to say
was that the young people

of our community
are leaving our farms

to go and live in the city.

Now, in the last six months,

approximately 18% of our
labor force has left Hooterville.

Our problem is twofold.

First, how can we
get them to stay?

And, failing this, how
can we replace them?

- Anybody know a three
letter word for actor?

Ham.

Oh, I'm sorry, Arnold, but
we've all gotta go sometime.

- May we please get back
to the business at hand?

- I'd like to talk about
the ham business.

- Yes, Mr. Kimball.

As I understand the problem...

Well, I don't really
understand it.

What is the problem?

- How do we replace
the young people

who are leaving our farms?

- That is a problem.

- Yes, now does
anybody have any ideas

about what we should do?

- Yeah, let's all
go home and listen

to The Great Gildersleeve.

- Oh, he's been replaced
by Myrt and Marge.

- There's a perfect example

what your government
does for ya.

It puts two people to work
where only one worked before.

- Look, may we please
stick to the subject?

What are we going to do

about the young people
leaving the farms?

- The department of agriculture's
done something about it.

- Oh, what've they done?

- Well, they issued several
bulletins on the subject.

Thank you.

- Bulletins from the
department of agriculture

aren't gonna solve anything.

- Mr. Douglas, would you
like to retract that statement?

- No, I wouldn't.

- Then you can
expect a hairy letter

from the chief in the morning.

- I don't care, let him...

- Contrary to public opinion,
our people in Washington

are well aware
of what's going on.

They're not just a
bunch of ostriches.

At least, I don't think
they're a bunch of ostriches.

'Course, I've never seen 'em

with their heads outta the sand.

- Oh, for the love of...

- You know, I read somewhere
that the only way farms

can survive is
through mechanization.

The farm of the future will
be run by pressing buttons.

- Look, our problem is today.

We have to find
out what it will take

to keep the young people here

on the farms where they belong.

- Well, how you gonna do that?

- Well, I suggest a committee
to talk to the young people.

- Mr. Douglas, you
gotta good idea there.

- Thank you, now...

- All those in favor
of namin' Mr. Douglas

a committee to talk
to the young people,

signify by raising your hand.

- No, no, no, no, I didn't...

- Mr. Douglas,
you're a committee.

- Well, they shoved the whole
shiv in you again last night.

- They didn't...

- I told you not to
be a do-gooder.

- A goo-dudder. A do,
gooder gooder, a google...

- Good morning.
- Oh, morning.

- Good morning, Eb.

- Well, I hear they
shoved the old shiv

into ya again last night.

Mind if I have some coffee?

- Help yourself.

- It's kinda weak this mornin'.

- Weak?

- Yeah, I liked it better
yesterday, when it was solid.

- The do-gooder
doesn't like it that way.

- Why not?

There's nothin' better than a
crispy, crunchy cup of coffee.

- Eb, eat some cereal or
something, let's get to work.

- When are you gonna question me

about why I'm
goin' to the big city?

- Eb, you're not
going away, too?

- No ma'am, I just said that
to make his nibs turn pale.

- Look, Eb, you know
most of the young people

around here, don't you?

- Yes, sir.

I got quite a
reputation as a mingler.

- That's right, he does.

- Have you got any
ideas that might keep

the young fellas
interested in staying here?

- I'm glad you asked me.

I drew up a list, which I
will be glad to read to ya.

- Eb, I'm not interested in...

- Things that can be done
to keep the young fellers

interested in staying
here, by Eb the Mingler.

Number one, free turtle food.

- Free...
- Yes, sir.

A lot of us have pet turtles,

and it's very
expensive feeding 'em.

- Well, that's no...

- Number two, drag racing on
alternate Mondays and Fridays.

- Drag racing?

- Yes, sir, to see how fast
guys can run in girls' clothes.

- Look, forget those silly...

- If you think these are silly,

wait 'til you hear the other 48.

- Just get to the crux of it.

- What's a crux?
- The heart of it.

- Oh, one of those heart cruxes.

- Yeah, one of those.

Eb, do your friends
ever complain

that they work too
hard on a farm?

- All the time.

- You mean that they want
shorter hours and longer pay?

- Yes, ma'am.

You see, in the city,
they only have to work

eight hours a day,
and they get Saturday,

Sunday, and Hong Kong Flu off.

- Don't they get Hong
Kong Flu off here?

- Only if it falls on a
Saturday or Sunday.

- Eb, will you please...

- I think the biggest
hangup is that

when the kids get through work,

the only recreation they have
is going to Mr. Druckers store

and bettin' on which fly
is gonna land on his head.

- Is that legal in this state?

- Look, how would I...

- For a time, they
used to go up to Pixley

to that topless restaurant,

and then somebody spoiled
it by puttin' the roof back on it.

- There is always
one in every crowd.

- Look, suppose the
town were to set up

some kind of a youth recreation
center, would that help?

- It depends on what kind
of recreation you had in mind.

- How about girls?
- I'll stay!

- Suppose it had a
pool table, ping pong,

a jukebox for dancing.

- That sounds like fun.

I never danced with
a jukebox before.

- Eb, I'm gonna...
- Oliver, Oliver.

For once, you have a good idea.

And I think we should name it

the Oliver Wendell
Douglas youth center.

- Why should it be
named after me?

- Because I have a feeling

they're going to
stick you with it.

- So my recommendation is that

we build a recreation
center for them.

- Well, I'm for that.

I'm gettin' a little
tired of standin' around

waitin' for flies to
land on my head.

- Yeah, well, uh...

- How much is this
center gonna cost?

- Five thousand dollars.

- In that case, I move that
this meetin' be adjourned.

- Whoa, just a second
here, just a moment.

Isn't it worth that much
to you to save your farms?

- Not mine, mine ain't
worth but three thousand.

- Isn't there some
cheaper way of doing it?

- Well, if we didn't have
to do any construction.

Maybe if somebody
would like to donate

the use of their barn.

- Well, ain't that
nice of Mr. Douglas?

- No, wait, just a second.

- I make a motion we
accept Mr. Douglas' kind offer

to donate his barn.

- All those in favor,
raise their hands.

Motion carried.

- Just a moment, I
didn't offer my barn.

- Well, you're the only one
that mentioned the word donate.

- I can't donate my barn,
I need it, just like you do.

- What for?

- To keep my cow in, my tractor.

- Mr. Douglas, if you
think more of your cow

and your tractor than you
think of the youth of Hooterville,

I ain't too sure we want you
as a member of our community.

- Why should I donate my barn?

What are you donating?

- Well, we're lettin'
you use our kids.

- Oh, for...

- Just a second, now I
agree with Mr. Douglas.

This is a community
project and I think we all

ought to contribute
something to it.

- Thank you.

- Especially since he's been
nice enough to donate his barn.

- I didn't say I'd...

- Now, I'm willin' to
donate the soda pop.

How about you, Haney,
what are you givin'?

- Well, I'll probably
be outta town.

- Come on, Haney, you
must have something usable

in that junk shop in
back of your house.

- He's got an old pool table.

Well, it's not an
old pool table,

it's a new ping pong
table with holes in the side.

- We'll take it.

- Well, since it's for
such a good cause,

I ain't gonna charge
ya nothin' for it.

- Thanks.

- 'Course, there'll be a
thirty dollar truckin' charge.

- We'll get it ourselves.

- I've got a high fi
set you can have.

- Good.

- 'Course, the spring's
busted on the motor.

- If somebody could get
hold of a movie projector,

I can borrow some film
from the department to show.

- Like what?

- Well, they got
some new ones out

on the sex life
of the corn boar.

'Course, that's for
mature audiences.

Or is that for
mature corn boars?

- May I say something?

- You gonna donate
somethin' else?

- No.

If we're going to make
this youth center attractive,

we can't furnish it with a
bunch of second hand junk.

We need new things, a jukebox,

ping pong table,
dart boards, games.

- Do you know what
that would cost?

- Mr. Haney, this is one time

when money should be secondary.

The American farmer
didn't get where he is today

by being chintzy about money.

- What was he chintzy about?

- He wasn't chintzy
about anything.

Where would we be
if the embattled farmer

had stopped to worry
about the cost of powder

and bullets in 1776?

Who would have shot
at the British at Concord?

All through the
history of the country,

the American farmer has
dug down into his pockets

and taken the cash
out of his mattress

and his cookie jar
to help his friends

and neighbors and his community.

Gentlemen, I put it to you.

Are you going to turn
your back on history?

Are you going to welsh on
your debt to your heritage?

- Well, I guess Mr. Douglas
has laid it right in our laps.

I'll donate five dollars
cash to the youth center.

- I'll donate $2.50.

- Put me down for four.

- I'll be glad to give
$20 if Mr. Douglas

will explain what he just said.

- Ain't that a beautiful sign?

Ralph painted it.

- She misspelled youth.

- Oh, yes, it should
have another T.

- No, it should have an O in it.

- Well, maybe she
ran out of O paint.

- What is O paint?

- Come on in.

- Oliver, I'm proud of you.

If you hadn't opened
your big mouth,

this never would have happened.

- We of the now
generation thank you.

Senior citizens like you who...
- Hey, Eb.

- Mrs. Douglas, may I have
the honor of this dance?

- Of course.

- Would you excuse
us, mein herr?

- Mr. Douglas.
- Oh, hi, hi fellas.

- That wife of yours
sure shimmies up a storm.

- She sure does.

- I ain't seen nothin' like
that since Gilda Gray.

- Gilda...

- She was part of
the was generation.

- Them kids is sure havin'
a good time, ain't they?

- Well, they're sure gettin'
themselves recreated.

- Recre... yeah, I guess
they do enjoy themselves.

You know, since we dedicated
this place two weeks ago,

there's been a crowd
outside every night at 7:00

waiting for the doors to
open, and they stay until two.

- Mr. Douglas, you sure have
solved the leavin' problem.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, but you've
created another one.

- What's that?

- The kids are so tired from
gettin' recreated every night

that they can't get up
'til noon to do their work.

- What?

- We're havin' an emergency
meetin' on it tomorrow night.

- Well, don't be there.

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.