All language subtitles for Green Acres - S05E05 - You and Your Big Shrunken Head.eng

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green acres we are there

- Well, them fellers don't
write the World Guardian.

Oh, doggone it.

That's your last chance.

If I don't get what
I'm supposed to get,

you're going to get it.

Well, that's better.

- It's mighty good of you
fellers to come down here

and meet Arnold.

- Ah, don't mention it, Fred.

Who's Arnold?

- Fred's pig.

- I thought her
name was Delores.

- That's his wife.

- Then which pig is Arnold?

- It sure will be good
to see my old pal again.

- Your old pal,

he never was your pal until
he inherited 20 million dollars.

- How can you say
a thing like that?

After I went and got this
basket of fruit for Arnold.

- Pretty nice.

- Yeah, anybody
care to give it to him?

It's only $16.

- Haney, will you -

- No, Jimmy, your cousin
Arnold's train ain't come in yet.

- Cannonball'll be
here pretty soon.

- It won't be long
now, almost home.

Certainly am glad to
get away from Chicago.

- Not me.

- Lisa, those big cities
are all alike, suit, dirt,

foul air, smell this air.

- It smells terrible.

- Oh, well we're just
passing Simpson swamp.

Now smell.

- Smells like burning rubber.

- Oh, that's the
Hooterville dump, try it now.

- What's that?

- I think the train must
have frightened a skunk.

- So far Hooterville
has it all over Chicago

with the smells.

Wasn't it nice in the hotel?

Room service and sleeping late.

- Yeah, that part was nice.

- Reminded me of our honeymoon.

- It was better than
our honeymoon,

your mother wasn't
with us this time.

- You always have
to pick on my mother.

- I'm really very
grateful to her.

If it wasn't for her there
wouldn't be any you.

- No wonder you're
such a good lawyer,

you got a silver tongue
made out of gold.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Howdy.

- Why did the train stop?

- Arnold wants to
practice backing up.

- Arnold?

- Yeah, he's running the train.

He wants to get the feel of it,

he's thinking about buying it.

- Buying it?

- Yeah, he said if Howard
Hughes can buy an airline,

he can buy a railroad.

- That's democracy.

- That's not -

How can the engineer
allow a pig to run a train?

- Where'd Mr. Douglas go?

- I guess he wanted to get some

of the good Hooterville air.

- Hey, wait for me!

- Hello there, look who's here.

- Welcome home, Mrs. Douglas,
did you have a good time?

- Oh, yes, marvelous, thank you.

- May I present you
with this basket of fruit?

- Oh why, thank you, Mr. Haley.

- That'll be $16, please.

- I'm not paying - -
Here's Arnold now.

- Hey, Arnold, my boy!

Come here and give
your pappy a big hug.

- Wait a second,
he's got a speech!

He wrote it on the
back of an old envelope.

He got the idea of reading a
book about Abraham Lincoln.

- Who's he?

- He was the President
of the United States.

- I thought that was
George Washington.

- No, ma'am, George Washington

is a bridge across
the Hudson river.

- Quiet, please, ready Arnold?

No, you don't need a
shawl and a stovepipe hat.

Just read it.

Arnold says, "Four score
and several years ago."

- Four score and
several years ago?

Come on, Lisa.

- No, no, no, he just started.

- I'm not going to stand here

and listen to a pig
misquote Lincoln.

- Arnold says, "It's
good to be home."

"And even though he has
20 million dollars, he's still the

same, simple pig that left
Hooterville a week ago."

- Lisa, let's go.

- Just a minute,
ceremony's not over yet.

Okay Jimmy.

- Who's the carpet roller?

- That's Arnold's cousin, Jimmy.

He cut classes to come
down to see Arnold.

- What a nice family.

- Come on, Arnold.

- Mr. Douglas, I
want to thank you

for getting Arnold's money.

- Arnold, if you'll just
tell me which bag it's in,

I'll be glad to
carry it for you.

- Look, Arnold
didn't get the money.

- Oh, I knew you'd foul it up.

- I didn't... Mr. Ziffel, the
estate is still in probate.

It'll be a little while
before it's settled.

In the meanwhile, I've spent
a week away from my farm

and if you don't
mind, I'd like to forget

about the Bernbacher
estate, about Arnold's money

and particularly about Arnold.

Come on, Lisa.

Hey, this corn is
coming along fine.

- Yeah, pretty soon
you'll be able to take it out

of the intensive care unit.

- Look, Eb, I may not be
the best farmer in the world -

- No comment.

- This is what I've always
wanted since I was a kid.

- A field full of droopy corn?

- A farm that I
could call my own.

Eb, this isn't just dirt.

- No, I think there's
some fertilizer in there too.

- This is the good earth.

This contains the wealth
of the American farmer.

This is what he fought for
at Lexington and Concord.

Land, land in which
to plant his crops.

Land with which to feed the
hungry millions of the world.

Land -

- Hey, I think you got a
worm in there playing the fife.

- Fife?

This is why I left that
rat race of New York.

To be able to plant
seeds in the rich soil

and let the soft
rain, the warm sun,

nurture them til they
reach up to the blue sky

and the white clouds and
finally burst into full life.

- Recorded copies of the
speech you have just heard

can be purchased at the
conclusion of today's tour.

- Mr. Haney.

- Standing in front of you,
is Oliver Wendell Douglas,

the famous pig lawyer.

Who's legal skill got
Arnold his 20 million dollars.

- Look -

- Kindly remove your
hats out of respect.

- Mr. Haney -

- I hope I'm not disturbing you.

I'm conducting a tour of
the highlights of Arnold's life.

Mr. Douglas, would you
say a few words to this group

on animal jury sprudence?

- Will you get these
people out of here,

they're trampling my corn.

- Just trying to put
it out of it's misery.

- See here, you -

- Now, if you will
all form a single line,

Mr. Douglas, the world
famous pig lawyer,

will be glad to sign your
official Arnold autograph books.

- I, I don't have one.

- You don't have an official
Arnold autograph book?

Well, fortunately I have
several of them with me

which can be purchased for
the nominal sum of $6 a piece.

- I'll take one.

- Oh, stop, you don't
need anything like...

Mr. Haney, I'm not
signing any autographs.

- If he don't, I want
my $3 back for the tour.

- If you will look
at your ticket,

you will see that the
management is not responsible

for any recalsatration on
the part of the participee.

- Get off my land!

- All right, all right,
everybody back on the bus.

Our next stop will be
Arnold's humble birthplace.

A log pig stye overlooking
Simpson Swamp.

After that, we'll have
a $4 lunch at my place

and then we will pay a
visit to the proposed site

of the Arnold Ziffel
Football Stadium.

This way, please.

- Wait a minute, where
do you think you're going?

- I want to see where
they're going to build the new

Arnold Ziffel Stadium.

- There isn't going
to be any stadium.

- Ain't that for Arnold
to decide, it's his money.

- I don't want to hear
anymore about Arnold.

If I never see him again,

it'll be the happiest
day of my life.

- We'll be glad to
keep Arnold for you.

- I can't tell you how
much I appreciate that,

because you've got no idea
what's been going on in my house.

I'll tell her.

Since the news got out
that Arnold's going to get

20 million dollars,
everybody and his cousin

has been over there trying
to see Arnold something.

- That's the way it is
when you have velt.

- What's velt?
- Money.

- Oh, that kind of velt.

At four o'clock this morning,
some fellow was over there

trying to sell
Arnold an oil well.

Then there was another guy
that had the hope diamond.

- Diamonds are a
good investment.

- This one had a wart on it.

All day long people have
been coming over there

trying to get Arnold's money,

including a blonde woman
who claimed to be Arnold's wife.

I didn't see anything
sexy about her.

- Don't worry, Mr. Ziffel,
we'll take good care of him.

- Well, good, I'm glad
of that, because now,

maybe I can get some rest.

Come on, Arnold, help
me carry your stuff in.

- Who does that belong to?

Lisa?

- Oliver, there was just
a big crash in the kitchen.

- I know, who
does this belong to?

- Arnold.
- Arnold?

What's he doing here?

- He's going to live
with us for a while.

- He most certainly is not.

- But I promised Mr. Ziffel.

The poor man can't get any rest.

People are coming
there at all hours

trying to sell Arnold something.

That's too bad, but -

What's that?

- Oh, he's practicing the piano.

- Of all the -

- Mr. Ziffel says he has to
practice two hours everyday

for his debut with the
Boston Symphony Orchestra.

- They're not
going to let him play

with the Boston Symphony.

- They'll have to, he's
going to buy the orchestra.

- I doubt if Boston
will sell it to him.

- Then he'll buy Boston.

- Will you stop that!

- That's a fine way to talk
about him after all the presents

he brought to us.

- What presents?
- Look.

- Hey, that must
have cost a fortune.

He hasn't got his money yet.

- No, no he charged it.

Look, look, he brought you this.

- For me?

- Awe, thank you.

A shrunken head.

- I think he's trying
to tell you something.

- I'll tell him something -

- Oliver, Oliver,

would you bring Arnold's
crib in from outside,

Mr. Ziffel left it
in the garden.

- He's not going to
sleep in here with us.

- Please, Oliver, let's not
argue in front of the P-O-G.

- Oh yeah, yeah, I
forgot out the pog.

- Arnold, why don't you
go outside and rollerskate.

- Lisa, will you please
keep him out of my way.

I've got a lot of work to do.

- Oliver, if that's
anybody, Arnold isn't here.

Who is it?

- Nobody here.

What do you want?

I'm sorry, I don't
understand what you mean.

- Ah, hello there, Jimmy.

That's Arnold's cousin.

He wants to know if
Arnold can come out

and play baseball with him.

- How do you know what he -

- Well, he has a
glove around his neck,

what else would he be asking?

Arnold is around
the back rollerskating,

but don't tell
anybody he's here.

Look, Lisa, couldn't -

Look, I told you that
Arnold was around -

- Who you talking to?

- I thought it was Jimmy, he -

- Doesn't look like Jimmy to me.

- Oh for, come on in.

- Excuse me, Jimmy.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello, Mrs. um, um -

- Douglas.

- Oh, of course, Douglas.

I never forget a
name, Mr. um, uh -

- Douglas.

- Oh, are you any relation
to Mrs. Uh... I'm sorry,

I've forgotten your name.

- Look, can't you
remember anything?

- Like what?

- I don't know, anything.

- What did you
come over here for?

- Oh, that I remember,
I wanted to...

I guess I don't remember.

- Why don't you sit
down and think about it.

- Oh, thank you.

Look, if you'll excuse me -

- Now I remember.

I wanted to show you the
present that Arnold gave me.

How you like that?

- Oh, it's a wrist watch.

- Oh, is that what that is?

My mother gave me that.

- Oh, brother.

- No, she gave my
brother a pair of earrings.

Or what that my sister?

No, it must've been my
brother, I don't have a sister.

- Arnold is giving
presents to everybody.

He gave me a beautiful bracelet.

- What'd he give you?

- A shrunken head.

- Oh, guess he was
trying to tell you something.

That Arnold is a real prince.

Not like the average pig you
meet who shakes your hand

and says he's glad to see
you when he really isn't.

- Yeah, he's a real prince.

- Yeah, I saw him out
in the back rollerskating.

Why, money hasn't
changed him a bit.

Any other pig with
20 million dollars

would hire somebody
to do the skating for him.

- Do we have to keep
taking about that?

- Mr. Kimball, please
don't tell anybody

that you saw Arnold over here.

He's hiding out
from all those people

that are trying to
sell him something.

- Don't worry, my
lips are sealing,

I won't tell a soul that...

What wasn't I supposed
to tell anybody?

- Goodbye, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, well goodbye,
nice talking to you Mrs. uh

and you too, Mr. uh, uh.

- Oliver, do you think
he'll tell anybody?

- Oh, don't worry about it,

he can't even
remember his own name.

- Quiet, quiet, quiet!

Arnold ain't going
to buy nothing.

- But anyone in his position

could use a good life
insurance program.

Now I have a policy here -

- You're wasting your
time, Arnold ain't even here.

- Where is he?
- I don't know.

- Oh, I do, he's over
at the Douglas farm.

- Ah, you junderhead!

- Mr. Douglas.
- What's the matter?

- You should see
what's going on outside.

That's part of it.

- What the -

- Where's Arnold, I've
got a life insurance policy

here for him that I'm sure -

- Will you stop that noise!

- Now, this policy has a
face value of a million dollars.

- Stop that racket!

- Now, the premium
on this policy is only -

- What the?

Will you stop playing
that darn thing.

- This policy contains certain
features which I'm sure -

- I don't want the policy
and I don't want the organ,

or the car, or a cabin cruiser!

- Oh, you're just going to
keep the pool with the blonde.

- I'm not keeping
the pool either.

- Oh, just the blonde.

I'll go gift wrap her for you.

- This policy contains an
uncancelable clause which I -

- Look, I told you -

Stop ringing that bell!

- It's a telephone.

- Look, I don't want to, I
don't want to buy anything,

now get all this stuff out
of here or I'll call the sherif

and you all arrested
for trespassing.

- One of the main features
of this is the sickness clause.

- I'm not interested.

- Everybody
interested in sickness,

do you know how many
new medical show are on TV?

I don't care!

- This policy protects you
from 100 different sicknesses,

including tonsillitis, gout
and Watson's disease.

- No!

- Well, if you're not interesting
in a life insurance policy

for Arnold, perhaps you'd
be interested in annuity,

which allows him to
retire at the age of 65

with an ensured
income of $450 a day.

This policy would
only - - Hello?

- Hello, Mr. Douglas.
- Yes.

- This is Charles
Gerber in Chicago.

You know, the lawyer
for the Bernbacker estate.

- Now this annuity not
only covers the assured but -

- I don't want any insurance!

- I'm not selling you insurance.

- I wasn't talking to you.

- If you'll just sign this.
- I won't sign anything.

- I didn't ask you
to sign anything.

- No, no, will you
get off the pole?

- I am not on the pole.

- Get lost, you dimwit!
- I beg your pardon.

- No, I didn't mean you,
I meant the other dimwit.

Mr. Gerber, some fella
followed me up the pole.

- How exciting.

- Eb, Eb!
- Did you want me?

- Get this fella off the pole.

- Hello, hello Mr. Douglas.
- Hello, yes, yes.

- Come on down, sir.
- Get away, boy.

- You wouldn't believe
what's going on up here.

Let go, let go!

- Come on down.
- Stop that!

- Hello?

- Okay, I warned you.

- Hello?

Mr. Douglas, are
you still there?

- Yeah, but not for long.

- I got him off the
pole, Mr. Douglas.

- You blundering idiot!

Then I had to go all
the way into Drucker's

to call Mr. Gerber back.

- What did Mr. Gerberback say?

- No, Gerber.

Ow, oh, oh.

- Darling, does it
hurt where you fell?

- A little, a little.

- Do you want me to
put some ligament on it?

- Uh, litament, no lumament.

It'll be all right.

- You were going to tell me
what Mr. Gerberback said.

- Yeah, he called to tell
me that there's a problem

about the will.

Mrs. Bernbacher's sister
in law is contesting it.

She claims Bernbacher
was mentally incompetent.

- Just because he left
20 million dollars to a pig?

- Yeah, well a lot of
people are narrow minded

about things like that.

If she succeeds
in breaking the will,

Arnold won't get a cent.

I told Gerber we're
prepared to fight it.

- Then you do love Arnold.

- Well, Lisa, I'm an attorney,
I'm a member of the bar,

I'd do the same thing
for any other pig that was

a client of... I mean, any
other, anybody that was a.

- Well, I'm proud of you.

No matter what my father
used to say about you,

I always said you weren't.

- I wasn't what?

- There was a
whole list of things.

He had them on a
blackboard in his study.

The last I heard, he was
ordering another blackboard.

- Lisa, let's not get into an
argument about your family.

- Well, what would
you like to do instead?

- I'd like to go to sleep.

Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

- Oo.
- What's the matter?

- Something bit me.

Who put this in the
bed, of all the stupid.

- Oliver, that might have
been somebody's little mother.

- Lisa, I'd like to
get some sleep.

- Oliver, do you know what
it means when you throw

a shrunken head out
of the bedroom window?

- I have no idea.

- Well, according to the
gypsies, you fall in love

and the woman next to
you gives you a big kiss.

Yeah?

- And then another
one, and then...

- Yeah?

- I forgot what the gypsy
said will happen after that.

- Well, I'm not a gypsy,
but I'm willing to ad lib it.

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.