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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:21,965 ♪ Green Acres is the place to be 2 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:25,902 ♪ Farm livin' is the life for me 3 00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:29,939 ♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide 4 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:34,077 ♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside 5 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:38,048 ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay 6 00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:42,085 ♪ I get allergic smelling hay 7 00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:46,023 ♪ I just adore a penthouse view 8 00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:50,215 ♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue 9 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:57,334 ♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air 10 00:00:57,358 --> 00:01:00,137 ♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife 11 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,005 ♪ Good bye, city life 12 00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:05,697 ♪ Green Acres, we are there 13 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,560 - Oh, good morning, Charlie. 14 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,463 Oh yes, you're right on time. 15 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,830 Go ahead. 16 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,003 - What's going on here? 17 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:37,340 - I thought Charlie could come in and crow the names. 18 00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:38,675 - What names? 19 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,410 - Go ahead, Charlie. 20 00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:45,215 - Didn't finish that. 21 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:52,655 He always has trouble remembering the Written By names. 22 00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:54,558 - The written by? 23 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:57,026 Get him out of here. 24 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,896 - He has to do the Directed By. 25 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:00,920 Go ahead. 26 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:06,803 His heart wasn't in that one. 27 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,005 - What are you talking about? 28 00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,273 - Get dressed and I'm going to cook you 29 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,442 a wonderful breakfast. 30 00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:16,980 - Spaghetti for breakfast? 31 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,415 - If it's good enough for Dean Martin, 32 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:19,916 it's good enough for you. 33 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,384 - I'm not interested... 34 00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,953 - Do you want meat sauce on it, or tomato sauce? 35 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,389 - If you don't mind, I'll just have orange juice. 36 00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:27,413 - Yes, sir. 37 00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,627 - I didn't mean the orange juice on the... 38 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,818 Oh nevermind, I'll get something else. 39 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,624 - Good morning! 40 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,005 - You clumsy oaf! 41 00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:43,706 - Oh boy, my favorite breakfast! 42 00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,108 Spaghetti with orange juice! 43 00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:47,043 - You see, Eb likes it. 44 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,067 - He would. 45 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,981 You think you could do anything with these? 46 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:52,915 - What are they? 47 00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:53,939 - Eggs! 48 00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,919 You've seen eggs before. 49 00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:58,421 - Yes, but not like this. 50 00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:02,159 The ones we have, they come out of the chickens. 51 00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,726 - You think you could fry 'em? 52 00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,417 - Well, I could try. 53 00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:08,632 - Let's see what else we got. 54 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,900 - Did Charlie come in and crow the names this morning? 55 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:15,172 - Yes, and he did very well except for the Written By. 56 00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:16,606 - What are you two talking about? 57 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:17,840 - What are you looking for? 58 00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,676 - Something to go with the eggs. 59 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,144 What's this? 60 00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:23,647 - That's the Birnbacher commemorative pork package. 61 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,515 - Commemorative pork...? 62 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,117 - I don't know why Charlie always has trouble 63 00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,808 with the Written By. 64 00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:33,190 - They put that out in memory of Gus Birnbacher, 65 00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,659 the president and founder of the Birnbacher Pork Company, 66 00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:36,993 who only last week passed on 67 00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:39,162 to that great slaughterhouse in the sky. 68 00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:41,498 - What a way to go. 69 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:43,800 - They don't make men like Mr. Birnbacher anymore. 70 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,669 His was a real success story. 71 00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:48,471 He came to Chicago with nothing but a pig and a dream 72 00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,740 and he ended up a multimillionaire. 73 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,075 Look, let me show you. 74 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:53,677 This is Herman, the pig Mr. Birnbacher 75 00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,345 started his business with. 76 00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:57,714 It appeared on every package of pork he put out 77 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,549 along with his famous slogan: 78 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:00,817 If you dig pig, 79 00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:04,020 you'll blow your cork over Birnbacher's pork. 80 00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:06,389 - Oh, that's a real grabber. 81 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,957 - How do you want your eggs? 82 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:08,981 - Over. 83 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:16,299 - Lisa, you're supposed to take the eggs out of the box. 84 00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:19,402 - Have you lost interest in the Gustav Birnbacher story? 85 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,537 - Yes. 86 00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,771 - Mr. Birnbacher always said 87 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,440 that he owed his success to Herman, 88 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,508 so in gratitude, he left him all his money: 89 00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:27,132 20 million dollars. 90 00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:31,615 - Oh, he must have been a real ding-dong. 91 00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:32,782 - When you have as much money as he did, 92 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,951 it's called paranoia. 93 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,953 - Well whatever it was, it was ridiculous. 94 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,723 Leaving 20 million dollars to a pig? 95 00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:40,957 - Why? 96 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,393 People leave money to dogs, cats, horses. 97 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,094 - I wonder what Herman is going to do 98 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,397 with his 20 million dollars. 99 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,831 - Oh, Herman's long gone. 100 00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:51,033 The money goes to his heirs, if they can find any. 101 00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:52,269 As a matter of fact, 102 00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:53,737 there's a big search going on right now 103 00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,805 to see if they can find any of Herman's descendants. 104 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,039 Dog gone! 105 00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:58,275 Can you imagine? 106 00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,677 Somewhere in this country, there's a pig 107 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,513 worth 20 million dollars. 108 00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,484 - Hey, it's from Doris. 109 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,999 "Dear Arnold and Fred," 110 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:26,002 now how come she always gives you top billing? 111 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,839 "Your mother's leg is improving rapidly 112 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:33,343 "and I should be home in a couple of weeks. 113 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:37,013 "Love to you, Arnold, and best regards to Fred." 114 00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:40,283 Two weeks? 115 00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:41,751 I better get to washing some of them dishes. 116 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,653 Arnold, get to that piano. 117 00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:45,822 Oh, none of your back talk. 118 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,090 I promised Doris I'd have you practice 119 00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,826 20 minutes a day while she's gone, 120 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,494 so when she gets back from Philadelphia, 121 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,419 you can play the Moonlight Sinatra. 122 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,480 - And now for the news. 123 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:13,049 In Chicago, the lawyers for the Birnbacher estate 124 00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:16,553 continue for any direct descendent of the pig 125 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:19,756 that was the famous Birnbacher trademark, Herman. 126 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,658 - Arnold, you're supposed to be practicing! 127 00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:23,793 I... Herman? 128 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,127 Did he say Herman? 129 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,699 - So far, 50 pigs have claimed to be Herman's legal heir, 130 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:32,268 but all have turned out to be imposters, 131 00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:35,972 including a fat dog who was wearing a pig suit. 132 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,609 If there is a pig anywhere in this country 133 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,778 who can prove he is Herman's heir, 134 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,312 he'd better come forward. 135 00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:46,249 He has less than 30 days to make his claim. 136 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:49,118 And now, here's tomorrow's weather report. 137 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,821 - Seems to me my grandfather had a pig named Herman. 138 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:56,259 Now, if my grandfather's pig was named Herman, 139 00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,116 that'd make you, uh... 140 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,198 I'm callin' Doris. 141 00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,534 She knows everybody's name in the family. 142 00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,002 Hello, Sarah? 143 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,405 Will you get me Doris in Philadelphia? 144 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:09,429 Yeah. 145 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,545 - Why, hi there, Mr Ziffel, how are you? 146 00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,736 - Mr Douglas. - Come on in. 147 00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:25,354 Well, I haven't seen you in a long time. 148 00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,223 How's... 149 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,413 Oh, excuse me. 150 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:31,551 You? 151 00:07:32,519 --> 00:07:34,731 You, how'd you knock on the door? 152 00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:37,066 - I got somethin' real important talk to you 'bout. 153 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:40,437 - Oh, well, why don't you sit down? 154 00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:41,461 Not you. 155 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,341 Off. 156 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,444 - Oh, hello Mr Ziffel. 157 00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:48,878 - Hello, Mrs Douglas. 158 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,234 - Hello, Arnold. 159 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,577 - Ah, you sure do give him the blushes. 160 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,279 - Won't you sit down? 161 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,293 - No, she wasn't talking to you. 162 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,363 Off. 163 00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,654 - That's all right, Arnold. 164 00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,134 - It's not all right. 165 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,158 Now get off. 166 00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:19,275 - Come on, Mr Ziffel, have you heard from Mrs Ziffel? 167 00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:21,010 - Yeah, just talked to her on the phone. 168 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,211 She's in Philadelphia. 169 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,013 - Oh, how is your mother's leg? 170 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,583 - Well, Doris said that it's healin' up fine. 171 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:27,984 - Oh, I'm glad to hear that. 172 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,453 You know, a broken leg is pretty serious. 173 00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:32,254 - Oh, especially at her age. 174 00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:33,255 - How old is she? 175 00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:34,958 - 80. - How did she break it? 176 00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,460 - She got bumped off the track in the roller derby. 177 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,162 - In the roller... 178 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:41,631 - Yeah, that team's sure gonna miss her, 179 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,200 because she's a big point scorer. 180 00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,401 - Oh... 181 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,069 - I come over here to talk to you legal. 182 00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:49,806 You're still a lawyer, ain't you? - Yes. 183 00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:51,307 - Ain't been disbarred or nothin? 184 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,331 - No, I... 185 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,546 What's the problem? 186 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:59,716 - I think Arnold is an inheritor. 187 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:00,950 - An inheritor? 188 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,553 - What did he inheritate? 189 00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,087 - Inheritate? 190 00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,891 - Don't he know them legal terms? 191 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,492 - I assume that what you're trying to say 192 00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:14,363 is that Arnold inheritated, I mean, he inheritored, 193 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,265 somebody left him something. 194 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,366 - They sure did. 195 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,434 20 million. 196 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,202 - 20 million dollars? 197 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,539 - Now can he sit on the couch? 198 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:25,207 No. 199 00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,209 Does this have any connection with that story 200 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:30,479 Eb was telling us about some nut named Birnbacher 201 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,381 who left all his money to a pig? 202 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:36,252 - Well, that guy wasn't a nut, he was a paranoic. 203 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:40,089 - Well, whatever he was, you think Bacon Bait here 204 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,824 is heir to the estate? 205 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,961 - Yep, Doris and me think 206 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:48,064 that Arnold is a direct descendant of Herman. 207 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,833 - He's the pig that has his picture on the pork package. 208 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,602 - Yes, I saw him. 209 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,336 - Now, here's what I want you to do. 210 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,805 Since I can't leave here, 211 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:58,074 I want you to take Arnold, go to Chicago, 212 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,044 do your legal stuff, get that money, 213 00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:02,712 and fetch it back here. 214 00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:04,213 - Look, I... 215 00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:06,683 - Be sure to count it, so they don't short-change you. 216 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,386 - May we just slow down a minute here? 217 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:14,523 You're assuming that Arnold is related to this Herman, mm? 218 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,025 Do you have any proof? 219 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,326 - We sure do. 220 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,896 Arnold's a tail-predictor. 221 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:20,730 - A what. 222 00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,431 - A tail-predictor? 223 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,234 He can predict what the weather's gonna be with his tail. 224 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,469 - With his tail? 225 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,536 - Arnold's great grandfather Herman 226 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,806 was also a tail-predictor. 227 00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:32,642 He predicted the Johnstown flood. 228 00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:34,310 - If he knew there was going to be a flood, 229 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,079 why didn't he warn everybody? 230 00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,915 - He tried to, but he didn't know which bus to take 231 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,249 to get to Johnstown. 232 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,340 - Well, that makes sense. 233 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,822 - It doesn't make... 234 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,590 - Anyway, Arnold inherited Herman's talent 235 00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:50,593 for predictin' what the weather's gonna be by tail. 236 00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,495 - I'll go pack your bag for Chicago. 237 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,463 - I'm not going to Chicago. 238 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,235 Because, I... For the love of... 239 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:02,071 - Don't you want Arnold to get his inheritation? 240 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,572 - On what basis? 241 00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,675 Just because he had a great-grandfather named Herman, 242 00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,409 how do we know it was the same Herman. 243 00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,345 Mr Ziffel, do you have any other proof? 244 00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:10,613 Papers? 245 00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:12,715 Bills of sale for Herman, anything? 246 00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:16,185 - Nope, all we got's Arnold's tail. 247 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,220 - Then I don't think I can help you. 248 00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:19,756 - Well, what are we gonna do? 249 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:20,823 - Try another lawyer. 250 00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,661 - Well, Arnold says he wants you. 251 00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:25,995 You the only lawyer he can trust, 252 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,764 and besides, you work cheap. 253 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,220 - I don't work... 254 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,434 Look I'm sorry, Mr Ziffel, 255 00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:36,338 I don't think I can handle this for you. 256 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,107 - Well, I'm sorry, Arnold. 257 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,309 I guess we'll have to find another cheap lawyer. 258 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,443 - Oh, don't do that. 259 00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,846 I'll work on Mr Douglas. 260 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,114 But, Oliver... 261 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,550 - I told you, I'm not getting involved. 262 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,052 - Oh, Oliver! 263 00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,486 - No, no, no, please, leave me alone. 264 00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:53,056 I want to finish weeding these carrots. 265 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,913 - Well, I'll help you. 266 00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,494 Oh! 267 00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:00,163 Look at the root on this weed. 268 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:04,033 - That's a carrot. 269 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,057 - Oh... 270 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,310 - Lisa, you can't hammer the carrot... 271 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,812 Oh... 272 00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:18,147 - Oliver, you could really get the money for Arnold 273 00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:19,982 if you tried. 274 00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:21,450 - Look, I'll say it once more. 275 00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:25,088 There is no way to get that money from the Birnbacher estate 276 00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,556 without some tangible proof 277 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,458 that Arnold is a descendant of the pig 278 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:32,394 that they used on the package. 279 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,418 Mr Haney! 280 00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:36,298 Those are carrots! 281 00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,734 - They are? 282 00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:41,771 Well, you can deduct any damage I've done from my fee. 283 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,272 - What fee? 284 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,296 - My card. 285 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:49,011 - Mr Haney, Tracer of Lost Pig Heirs. 286 00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:50,947 Oh, for the love of... 287 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,581 - There's your answer, Oliver. 288 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:56,219 Mr Haney can help you to find out about Arnold's ancestors. 289 00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,020 - I accept the case, 290 00:12:58,044 --> 00:13:01,190 now if I can have your check for 5,000 dollars... 291 00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,214 - What? 292 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,194 - That's the standard pig tracer fee, 293 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:08,430 as set by the Pig Tracers of America, 294 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:11,555 or as it's sometimes called, the PTA. 295 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,370 Can I have the money? 296 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,738 - Mr Haney, how can you prove 297 00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:18,274 that Arnold is related to Herman? 298 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:22,178 - It's simple, I use the blood sample comparison method. 299 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,445 Now, if you will just step 300 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,548 to the back of my mobile laboratory, 301 00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,717 I call it that because it was given to me 302 00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:31,954 by one of my grateful clients, Mo Bile. 303 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,490 Oh brother! 304 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:37,894 - That's just a little joke I use before escorting people 305 00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,962 to the back of the truck. 306 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:42,832 It sorta takes the tension out of the air. 307 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,366 - Mm, it works! 308 00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:46,958 I don't feel as tense as I did. 309 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,473 - There it is! 310 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:54,565 The famous Bulewacker Blood Comparer. 311 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,247 - That's one of those fortune-telling machines 312 00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,648 you find in a... 313 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,350 - May I introduce my assistant, 314 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:04,353 the wax model of Cornelia Bulewacker, 315 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,189 who invented the machine. 316 00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:08,324 - How do you do? 317 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,591 - What are you saying, how... 318 00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:11,928 - Now this machine works on the theory 319 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:14,330 that blood is thicker than water. 320 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:17,099 Now by placing a sample of the tracee's blood 321 00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:21,292 into the machine, then, putting a dime into the slot, 322 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,976 and automatically, the machine will match up 323 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,235 the blood of the tracee and the tracor. 324 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:35,784 Now, since Arnold is a member of the hog family, 325 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:39,788 Miss Bulewacker has been programmed for pig blood, 326 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:43,982 which as you know contains 40% more suet than human blood. 327 00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:47,330 - Mr Haney, if you don't get 328 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:48,931 that penny arcade machine out of here... 329 00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:50,188 - Penny arcade? 330 00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:55,771 I believe I detect a tear in Miss Bulewacker's eye. 331 00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,206 - Lisa, let's... 332 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,942 - Hey, if you're not interested in the scientific approach 333 00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:02,178 how about a reliable witness 334 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:05,447 who can testify that he knows positively 335 00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:08,951 that Arnold is a direct descendant of Herman? 336 00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:10,853 - And who would that be? 337 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:11,877 - My card. 338 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,558 - Mr Haney, Professional Pig Witness. 339 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:20,029 - For 10,000 dollars, I will be willing 340 00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,764 to get on the witness stand 341 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:25,467 and swear under oath, that I know for a fact 342 00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:28,704 that Arnold is Herman's great grandson. 343 00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,072 - Oliver, give him the money. 344 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,774 - Lisa, that'd be perjury. 345 00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,009 - It would? 346 00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,812 Well, in that case, my fee would be 20,000. 347 00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:38,502 - Goodbye, Mr Haney! 348 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:44,387 - Oh, come on, Cornelia, I'll take you back to the arcade 349 00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:48,224 before they miss you. 350 00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,429 - Morning, Mr Drucker. 351 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,730 - Mornin', Mr Douglas. 352 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,165 Shall I fill her up? 353 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:57,833 - Huh? - Check the oil? 354 00:15:57,857 --> 00:15:59,368 - Well... - I'm just practicing. 355 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,203 This is where I'm gonna build my gas station. 356 00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:02,838 - Oh, well... - You don't think it'll be 357 00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,640 too close to the lunch room, do you? 358 00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,175 - What lunchroom? 359 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,477 - The one I'm building right next to the souvenir stand. 360 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,413 - What souvenir stand? 361 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,015 - For the tourists who'll be flockin' here to Arnoldville. 362 00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:14,984 - Arnoldville? 363 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,485 - We're renamin' the town. 364 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,787 It's the least we can do for our wealthiest citizen. 365 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,257 - Oh, Mr Drucker, before you change anything... 366 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,691 - Oh, I'm glad you came. 367 00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,475 I've got something inside I want to show you. 368 00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,264 How do you like 'em? 369 00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,765 - What are they? 370 00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:32,501 - Well, this is the official Arnold Ziffel piggy bank. 371 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,504 I had Arnold plastered and scaled down to size. 372 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:36,839 - That's the... 373 00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:38,341 - Going to order 10,000 of them. 374 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,409 Arnold's promised to autograph them for me. 375 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,344 - But Mr Drucker... 376 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,745 - And this is a people bank. 377 00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:45,114 - A people bank? 378 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:46,515 - Yeah, well, I figure a lot of tourists 379 00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:47,984 will be bringing their pigs with them, 380 00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,152 and I don't think a pig would want to buy a piggy bank. 381 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,855 - So you're going to sell them a people bank. 382 00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:55,358 - Right, now, this is the same kind of football 383 00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:57,793 that Arnold uses when he plays with the kids at school. 384 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,128 It's made out of plastic. 385 00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,864 He's real sensitive about using pigskin. 386 00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:04,367 - I can see where he would be. 387 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,435 - I'm orderin' 5,000 of them. 388 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:09,105 - But, Mr Drucker, aren't you jumping the gun a little? 389 00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:10,806 - Oh, I want to get in on the ground floor. 390 00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:14,676 This town is going to see the biggest pig boom in history. 391 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,512 - Mr Drucker, it hasn't been established yet 392 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,415 that Arnold is the legal heir to the Birnbacher fortune. 393 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:21,150 - Oh, well, we ain't worried about that, 394 00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,618 with you handling things for him. 395 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:25,287 You're the best pig lawyer in town. 396 00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:26,722 - I am not a... 397 00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,224 - Oh, by the way, when you're in Chicago with Arnold, 398 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,326 maybe you could stop in at the novelty house, and... 399 00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:31,760 - I'm not going to Chicago. 400 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,029 - What? 401 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,596 - I'm not getting involved in this. 402 00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:35,831 - What? 403 00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,933 - I have not accepted Arnold as a client. 404 00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:38,901 - What? 405 00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:40,503 - Will you stop saying what? 406 00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:41,527 - Why? 407 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,173 - Mr Drucker... 408 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:47,043 - Mr Douglas, how can you do this to Hooterville? 409 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,145 - I'm not doing anything to Hooterville. 410 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,480 - You're flushin' it down the drain. 411 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,849 - Mr Drucker, an attorney has a right 412 00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:56,285 to accept a client or not, as he wishes. 413 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:57,520 - Well, not in Hooterville. 414 00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,221 In Hooterville, you're either for Hooterville, 415 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:00,822 or you live in Pixley. 416 00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:01,990 - Look, now see here... 417 00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:03,192 - Now, take my advice, Mr Douglas, 418 00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,727 either change your mind or start packin'. 419 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,496 - I am not changing my mind, 420 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,398 and I am not packing. 421 00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:17,573 - Dog gone, just when the Auto Club was gonna put 422 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,164 Hooterville on their road maps. 423 00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,581 - Howdy, Mr Douglas. 424 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:26,615 - Oh, hi. 425 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,417 - Arnold's been waitin' for ya. 426 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,774 He's all packed for Chicago. 427 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,291 - I'm not going to Chicago. 428 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,026 Look, Eb, forget Arnold. 429 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:40,296 Get out on the field and finish weeding those carrots. 430 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,131 - There's no sense in me walkin' all the way out there 431 00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:44,233 when it's gonna pour any minute. 432 00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:45,501 - Who said that? 433 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:48,137 - Arnold's tail, see, it's all curly. 434 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,972 That means rain! 435 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,474 - Well, I'm sorry to disagree with it, 436 00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:52,674 but the Weather Bureau says 437 00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,743 no rain in sight for the next month. 438 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,078 Now get to work. 439 00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:57,513 - But Mr Douglas, Arnold's tail... 440 00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,515 - I don't want to hear anymore about Arnold, his tail, 441 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:00,539 or Chicago! 442 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:05,977 Lisa! 443 00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:08,690 - Oh, Oliver! 444 00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:11,160 Oliver, oh, you found your suitcase. 445 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,694 - Who left that there? 446 00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:15,464 - Oh, I packed it for you for your trip to Chicago. 447 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,366 - I'm not going to Chicago. 448 00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,335 - Well, then you better take your suitcase 449 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:20,936 and move to Pixley. 450 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,506 - All this fuss over a stupid pig. 451 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,374 - Have you got 20 million dollars? 452 00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:28,244 - No. - And you call him stupid? 453 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,347 - He hasn't got 20 million dollars. 454 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:34,350 - Well, he would, if you wouldn't pull this fink act. 455 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,875 - Look how many times do I have to tell you that... 456 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,188 Now what? 457 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:40,212 Come in! 458 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,025 - Hi, Mr Douglas. 459 00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,226 - Mr Kimball? 460 00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:47,151 - Well, I'll get right to the point. 461 00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:52,535 What point? 462 00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:54,503 - Oh, no, I believe it's West Point. 463 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,971 Yeah, that's where they train... 464 00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:58,574 - Mr Kimball, what did you want to see me about? 465 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,431 - See you about? - Yes. 466 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,434 - Oh, yes. 467 00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,515 - Well? 468 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,984 - Oh, the town council has appointed me 469 00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,654 a committee of one to come over and... 470 00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:15,924 No, they appointed me a committee of three. 471 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:17,926 Wonder what happened to the other two fellas? 472 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:22,298 Well, whatever I am, I'm here. 473 00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:23,699 - For what? 474 00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,367 - Oh, to get you to change your mind 475 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:29,405 about going to, where were you supposed to go again? 476 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,429 - Chicago. 477 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,942 - Oh, yes, to get you to go to Chicago 478 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:34,966 to get... 479 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,346 What were you supposed to get again? 480 00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,370 - To get Arnold's money. 481 00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,150 But I'm not going. 482 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,419 - Well, the town council told me 483 00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,053 that if I couldn't get you to change your mind, 484 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,023 I was to deliver the following message. 485 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:50,792 Um... Following message... 486 00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:54,563 What is the message? 487 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:55,919 - Gee, I forgot. 488 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,134 Can I use your telephone to call the council? 489 00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:00,458 - Help yourself. 490 00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:02,461 - To what? 491 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:04,429 - The phone! 492 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:08,677 - Oh, don't you need it any more? 493 00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:10,145 - Bye, Mr Kimball. 494 00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:14,338 Oh, well, goodbye Mr um... 495 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:21,445 - This town is unbelievable. 496 00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:27,028 Hey, what are you packing for? 497 00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:29,365 - If you won't take Arnold to Chicago 498 00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:31,133 then I'm going to take him there 499 00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:33,569 to get his inheritation. 500 00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:34,503 - How can you get it? 501 00:21:34,527 --> 00:21:36,204 It requires a lawyer. 502 00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:37,773 - I've been married to one long enough 503 00:21:37,797 --> 00:21:39,775 to know all the tricks of the trade. 504 00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,711 I know how to tell the loops from the holes 505 00:21:42,735 --> 00:21:46,003 and the whereases from the whereforers. 506 00:21:47,206 --> 00:21:50,552 - All right, go ahead, make a fool of yourself. 507 00:21:50,576 --> 00:21:52,321 - You'd let me do that? 508 00:21:52,345 --> 00:21:54,790 I always have. 509 00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:57,693 Oh no, I mean... Look, Lisa. 510 00:21:57,717 --> 00:21:59,628 There's absolutely no proof 511 00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:02,130 that Arnold is the pig they're looking for, 512 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:04,065 but if it will make you happy, 513 00:22:04,089 --> 00:22:06,735 I'll call the Birnbacher lawyer in Chicago 514 00:22:06,759 --> 00:22:09,338 and I'll talk to him about Arnold. 515 00:22:09,362 --> 00:22:12,675 - Oh, why that would be wonderful! 516 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:15,243 And don't forget to take your umbrella. 517 00:22:15,267 --> 00:22:18,814 Arnold's tail says it's going to rain. 518 00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,103 - Oh, pussycat! 519 00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:23,985 - Charles Gerber speaking. 520 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:25,688 - Are you the attorney for the Birnbacher estate? 521 00:22:25,712 --> 00:22:26,922 - Yes, I am. 522 00:22:26,946 --> 00:22:30,559 - My name is Douglas, Oliver Wendell Douglas, 523 00:22:30,583 --> 00:22:32,994 and I'm calling you about Arnold Ziffel. 524 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:35,531 You see... - Who is Arnold Ziffel? 525 00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:37,032 - Oh, he's a pig. 526 00:22:37,056 --> 00:22:40,536 And he might possibly be the heir that you're looking for. 527 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:41,837 - Oh, is this your pig? 528 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:43,939 - Oh, no, no-no, I'm an attorney. 529 00:22:43,963 --> 00:22:46,375 - Oh, you're the pig's lawyer. 530 00:22:46,399 --> 00:22:48,410 Ah, not exactly. 531 00:22:48,434 --> 00:22:51,413 Fred Ziffel... - Is that Arnold's brother? 532 00:22:51,437 --> 00:22:54,750 - Oh, no, no-no, Fred's Arnold's father. 533 00:22:54,774 --> 00:22:58,186 Well, anyway, he came over and he asked me if I would... 534 00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:00,911 - And this Fred is a talking pig? 535 00:23:02,281 --> 00:23:05,093 - No, he's a talking man. 536 00:23:05,117 --> 00:23:07,429 Mr Gerber, if you'll just allow me, 537 00:23:07,453 --> 00:23:08,453 oh, darn it! 538 00:23:09,389 --> 00:23:10,566 - Now what? 539 00:23:10,590 --> 00:23:12,468 - It's starting to rain, I'm getting all wet. 540 00:23:12,492 --> 00:23:14,336 - Oh, your roof leaks. 541 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,839 - No, I'm calling from the top of a telephone pole. 542 00:23:16,863 --> 00:23:18,206 - The top of a... 543 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,708 - Yeah, that's where our telephone is. 544 00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:21,042 - Is it cheaper that way? 545 00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:22,066 - No, it's... 546 00:23:23,302 --> 00:23:24,813 - Oliver! Oliver! 547 00:23:24,837 --> 00:23:26,181 It's raining! 548 00:23:26,205 --> 00:23:27,683 - I know! 549 00:23:27,707 --> 00:23:30,586 - I told you you should have listened to Arnold's tail. 550 00:23:30,610 --> 00:23:32,554 - Oh, you and that dumb tail. 551 00:23:32,578 --> 00:23:34,423 - I beg your pardon? 552 00:23:34,447 --> 00:23:36,625 - No-no, I was talking to my wife. 553 00:23:36,649 --> 00:23:39,327 She thinks Arnold can predict the weather with his tail. 554 00:23:39,351 --> 00:23:41,029 - With his tail? 555 00:23:41,053 --> 00:23:44,733 Mr Douglas, what would you say if I told you 556 00:23:44,757 --> 00:23:47,469 that Herman the Birnbacher pig had the same talent 557 00:23:47,493 --> 00:23:49,971 for predicting the weather with his tail? 558 00:23:49,995 --> 00:23:51,039 - You mean you think it's possible 559 00:23:51,063 --> 00:23:53,341 that Arnold is... - He might just be. 560 00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:54,943 Now, I suggest that you get the Ziffels 561 00:23:54,967 --> 00:23:56,578 to bring Arnold here to Chicago. 562 00:23:56,602 --> 00:23:58,113 We'll discuss the matter further. 563 00:23:58,137 --> 00:23:59,648 - Fred can't leave his farm 564 00:23:59,672 --> 00:24:01,483 because his wife is in Philadelphia. 565 00:24:01,507 --> 00:24:05,253 - Mr Douglas, will you bring the pig to Chicago? 566 00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:08,223 - Look, Mr Gerber, I'm getting soaked, and I... 567 00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:10,859 - Mr Douglas, we're anxious to get this estate settled. 568 00:24:10,883 --> 00:24:11,693 - All right! 569 00:24:11,717 --> 00:24:12,994 I'll bring him! 570 00:24:13,018 --> 00:24:14,018 Goodbye! 571 00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,601 Next week, we take Arnold to Chicago 572 00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:22,137 to claim his 20 million dollars. 573 00:24:22,161 --> 00:24:24,840 See what money will do, even for a pig? 574 00:24:24,864 --> 00:24:28,276 - Take Mr Ziffel to the Royal Suite. 575 00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:29,711 - Yes, sir! 576 00:24:29,735 --> 00:24:32,648 May I have your bag, Mr Ziffel? 577 00:24:32,672 --> 00:24:34,182 - See what happens when a beautiful girl 578 00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:35,717 is caught taking a bath. 579 00:24:35,741 --> 00:24:36,741 Hello there! 580 00:24:37,910 --> 00:24:39,922 And see Arnold's new wardrobe made for him 581 00:24:39,946 --> 00:24:42,825 by Al Capone's old tailor. 582 00:24:42,849 --> 00:24:45,794 All this and more, next week on Green Acres. 583 00:25:19,485 --> 00:25:23,387 This has been a Filmways presentation, Darling. 39118

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