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♪ Green Acres is the place to be
2
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:25,902
♪ Farm livin' is the life for me
3
00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:29,939
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
4
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:34,077
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
5
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:38,048
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
6
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:42,085
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
7
00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:46,023
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
8
00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:50,215
♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue
9
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:57,334
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
10
00:00:57,358 --> 00:01:00,137
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
11
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,005
♪ Good bye, city life
12
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:05,697
♪ Green Acres, we are there
13
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,560
- Oh, good morning, Charlie.
14
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,463
Oh yes, you're right on time.
15
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,830
Go ahead.
16
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,003
- What's going on here?
17
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:37,340
- I thought Charlie could
come in and crow the names.
18
00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:38,675
- What names?
19
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,410
- Go ahead, Charlie.
20
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:45,215
- Didn't finish that.
21
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:52,655
He always has trouble
remembering the Written By names.
22
00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:54,558
- The written by?
23
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:57,026
Get him out of here.
24
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,896
- He has to do the Directed By.
25
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:00,920
Go ahead.
26
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:06,803
His heart wasn't in that one.
27
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,005
- What are you talking about?
28
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,273
- Get dressed and
I'm going to cook you
29
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,442
a wonderful breakfast.
30
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:16,980
- Spaghetti for breakfast?
31
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,415
- If it's good enough
for Dean Martin,
32
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:19,916
it's good enough for you.
33
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,384
- I'm not interested...
34
00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:23,953
- Do you want meat sauce
on it, or tomato sauce?
35
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,389
- If you don't mind, I'll
just have orange juice.
36
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:27,413
- Yes, sir.
37
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,627
- I didn't mean the
orange juice on the...
38
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,818
Oh nevermind, I'll
get something else.
39
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,624
- Good morning!
40
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,005
- You clumsy oaf!
41
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:43,706
- Oh boy, my favorite breakfast!
42
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,108
Spaghetti with orange juice!
43
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:47,043
- You see, Eb likes it.
44
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,067
- He would.
45
00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,981
You think you could
do anything with these?
46
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:52,915
- What are they?
47
00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:53,939
- Eggs!
48
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,919
You've seen eggs before.
49
00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:58,421
- Yes, but not like this.
50
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:02,159
The ones we have, they
come out of the chickens.
51
00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,726
- You think you could fry 'em?
52
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,417
- Well, I could try.
53
00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:08,632
- Let's see what else we got.
54
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,900
- Did Charlie come in and
crow the names this morning?
55
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:15,172
- Yes, and he did very well
except for the Written By.
56
00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:16,606
- What are you
two talking about?
57
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:17,840
- What are you looking for?
58
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,676
- Something to go with the eggs.
59
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,144
What's this?
60
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:23,647
- That's the Birnbacher
commemorative pork package.
61
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,515
- Commemorative pork...?
62
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,117
- I don't know why
Charlie always has trouble
63
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,808
with the Written By.
64
00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:33,190
- They put that out in
memory of Gus Birnbacher,
65
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,659
the president and founder of
the Birnbacher Pork Company,
66
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:36,993
who only last week passed on
67
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:39,162
to that great
slaughterhouse in the sky.
68
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:41,498
- What a way to go.
69
00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:43,800
- They don't make men
like Mr. Birnbacher anymore.
70
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,669
His was a real success story.
71
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:48,471
He came to Chicago with
nothing but a pig and a dream
72
00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,740
and he ended up
a multimillionaire.
73
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,075
Look, let me show you.
74
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:53,677
This is Herman, the
pig Mr. Birnbacher
75
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,345
started his business with.
76
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:57,714
It appeared on every
package of pork he put out
77
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,549
along with his famous slogan:
78
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:00,817
If you dig pig,
79
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:04,020
you'll blow your cork
over Birnbacher's pork.
80
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:06,389
- Oh, that's a real grabber.
81
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,957
- How do you want your eggs?
82
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:08,981
- Over.
83
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:16,299
- Lisa, you're supposed to
take the eggs out of the box.
84
00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:19,402
- Have you lost interest in
the Gustav Birnbacher story?
85
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,537
- Yes.
86
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,771
- Mr. Birnbacher always said
87
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,440
that he owed his
success to Herman,
88
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,508
so in gratitude, he
left him all his money:
89
00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:27,132
20 million dollars.
90
00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:31,615
- Oh, he must have
been a real ding-dong.
91
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:32,782
- When you have as
much money as he did,
92
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,951
it's called paranoia.
93
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,953
- Well whatever it
was, it was ridiculous.
94
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,723
Leaving 20 million
dollars to a pig?
95
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:40,957
- Why?
96
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,393
People leave money
to dogs, cats, horses.
97
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,094
- I wonder what
Herman is going to do
98
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,397
with his 20 million dollars.
99
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,831
- Oh, Herman's long gone.
100
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:51,033
The money goes to his
heirs, if they can find any.
101
00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:52,269
As a matter of fact,
102
00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:53,737
there's a big search
going on right now
103
00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,805
to see if they can find any
of Herman's descendants.
104
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,039
Dog gone!
105
00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:58,275
Can you imagine?
106
00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,677
Somewhere in this
country, there's a pig
107
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,513
worth 20 million dollars.
108
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,484
- Hey, it's from Doris.
109
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,999
"Dear Arnold and Fred,"
110
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:26,002
now how come she
always gives you top billing?
111
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,839
"Your mother's leg
is improving rapidly
112
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:33,343
"and I should be home
in a couple of weeks.
113
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:37,013
"Love to you, Arnold,
and best regards to Fred."
114
00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:40,283
Two weeks?
115
00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:41,751
I better get to washing
some of them dishes.
116
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,653
Arnold, get to that piano.
117
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:45,822
Oh, none of your back talk.
118
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,090
I promised Doris
I'd have you practice
119
00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,826
20 minutes a day
while she's gone,
120
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,494
so when she gets
back from Philadelphia,
121
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,419
you can play the
Moonlight Sinatra.
122
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,480
- And now for the news.
123
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:13,049
In Chicago, the lawyers
for the Birnbacher estate
124
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:16,553
continue for any direct
descendent of the pig
125
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:19,756
that was the famous
Birnbacher trademark, Herman.
126
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,658
- Arnold, you're
supposed to be practicing!
127
00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:23,793
I... Herman?
128
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,127
Did he say Herman?
129
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,699
- So far, 50 pigs have claimed
to be Herman's legal heir,
130
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:32,268
but all have turned
out to be imposters,
131
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:35,972
including a fat dog who
was wearing a pig suit.
132
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,609
If there is a pig
anywhere in this country
133
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,778
who can prove he
is Herman's heir,
134
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,312
he'd better come forward.
135
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:46,249
He has less than 30
days to make his claim.
136
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:49,118
And now, here's
tomorrow's weather report.
137
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,821
- Seems to me my grandfather
had a pig named Herman.
138
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:56,259
Now, if my grandfather's
pig was named Herman,
139
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,116
that'd make you, uh...
140
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,198
I'm callin' Doris.
141
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,534
She knows everybody's
name in the family.
142
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,002
Hello, Sarah?
143
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,405
Will you get me
Doris in Philadelphia?
144
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:09,429
Yeah.
145
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,545
- Why, hi there, Mr
Ziffel, how are you?
146
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,736
- Mr Douglas.
- Come on in.
147
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:25,354
Well, I haven't seen
you in a long time.
148
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,223
How's...
149
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,413
Oh, excuse me.
150
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:31,551
You?
151
00:07:32,519 --> 00:07:34,731
You, how'd you
knock on the door?
152
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:37,066
- I got somethin' real
important talk to you 'bout.
153
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:40,437
- Oh, well, why
don't you sit down?
154
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:41,461
Not you.
155
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,341
Off.
156
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,444
- Oh, hello Mr Ziffel.
157
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:48,878
- Hello, Mrs Douglas.
158
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,234
- Hello, Arnold.
159
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,577
- Ah, you sure do
give him the blushes.
160
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,279
- Won't you sit down?
161
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,293
- No, she wasn't talking to you.
162
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,363
Off.
163
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,654
- That's all right, Arnold.
164
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,134
- It's not all right.
165
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,158
Now get off.
166
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:19,275
- Come on, Mr Ziffel, have
you heard from Mrs Ziffel?
167
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:21,010
- Yeah, just talked
to her on the phone.
168
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,211
She's in Philadelphia.
169
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,013
- Oh, how is your mother's leg?
170
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,583
- Well, Doris said
that it's healin' up fine.
171
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:27,984
- Oh, I'm glad to hear that.
172
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,453
You know, a broken
leg is pretty serious.
173
00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:32,254
- Oh, especially at her age.
174
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:33,255
- How old is she?
175
00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:34,958
- 80.
- How did she break it?
176
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,460
- She got bumped off the
track in the roller derby.
177
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,162
- In the roller...
178
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:41,631
- Yeah, that team's
sure gonna miss her,
179
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,200
because she's a
big point scorer.
180
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,401
- Oh...
181
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,069
- I come over here
to talk to you legal.
182
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:49,806
You're still a lawyer,
ain't you?
- Yes.
183
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:51,307
- Ain't been
disbarred or nothin?
184
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,331
- No, I...
185
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,546
What's the problem?
186
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:59,716
- I think Arnold
is an inheritor.
187
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:00,950
- An inheritor?
188
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,553
- What did he inheritate?
189
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,087
- Inheritate?
190
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,891
- Don't he know
them legal terms?
191
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,492
- I assume that what
you're trying to say
192
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:14,363
is that Arnold inheritated,
I mean, he inheritored,
193
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,265
somebody left him something.
194
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,366
- They sure did.
195
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,434
20 million.
196
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,202
- 20 million dollars?
197
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,539
- Now can he sit on the couch?
198
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:25,207
No.
199
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,209
Does this have any
connection with that story
200
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:30,479
Eb was telling us about
some nut named Birnbacher
201
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,381
who left all his money to a pig?
202
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:36,252
- Well, that guy wasn't
a nut, he was a paranoic.
203
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:40,089
- Well, whatever he was,
you think Bacon Bait here
204
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,824
is heir to the estate?
205
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,961
- Yep, Doris and me think
206
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:48,064
that Arnold is a direct
descendant of Herman.
207
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,833
- He's the pig that has his
picture on the pork package.
208
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,602
- Yes, I saw him.
209
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,336
- Now, here's what
I want you to do.
210
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,805
Since I can't leave here,
211
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:58,074
I want you to take
Arnold, go to Chicago,
212
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,044
do your legal stuff,
get that money,
213
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:02,712
and fetch it back here.
214
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:04,213
- Look, I...
215
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:06,683
- Be sure to count it, so
they don't short-change you.
216
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,386
- May we just slow
down a minute here?
217
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:14,523
You're assuming that Arnold
is related to this Herman, mm?
218
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,025
Do you have any proof?
219
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,326
- We sure do.
220
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,896
Arnold's a tail-predictor.
221
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:20,730
- A what.
222
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,431
- A tail-predictor?
223
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,234
He can predict what the
weather's gonna be with his tail.
224
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,469
- With his tail?
225
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,536
- Arnold's great
grandfather Herman
226
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,806
was also a tail-predictor.
227
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:32,642
He predicted the
Johnstown flood.
228
00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:34,310
- If he knew there
was going to be a flood,
229
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,079
why didn't he warn everybody?
230
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,915
- He tried to, but he didn't
know which bus to take
231
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,249
to get to Johnstown.
232
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,340
- Well, that makes sense.
233
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,822
- It doesn't make...
234
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,590
- Anyway, Arnold
inherited Herman's talent
235
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:50,593
for predictin' what the
weather's gonna be by tail.
236
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,495
- I'll go pack your
bag for Chicago.
237
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,463
- I'm not going to Chicago.
238
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,235
Because, I... For the love of...
239
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:02,071
- Don't you want Arnold
to get his inheritation?
240
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,572
- On what basis?
241
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,675
Just because he had a
great-grandfather named Herman,
242
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,409
how do we know it
was the same Herman.
243
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,345
Mr Ziffel, do you
have any other proof?
244
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:10,613
Papers?
245
00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:12,715
Bills of sale for
Herman, anything?
246
00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:16,185
- Nope, all we
got's Arnold's tail.
247
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,220
- Then I don't
think I can help you.
248
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:19,756
- Well, what are we gonna do?
249
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:20,823
- Try another lawyer.
250
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,661
- Well, Arnold
says he wants you.
251
00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:25,995
You the only
lawyer he can trust,
252
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,764
and besides, you work cheap.
253
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,220
- I don't work...
254
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,434
Look I'm sorry, Mr Ziffel,
255
00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:36,338
I don't think I can
handle this for you.
256
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,107
- Well, I'm sorry, Arnold.
257
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,309
I guess we'll have to
find another cheap lawyer.
258
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,443
- Oh, don't do that.
259
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,846
I'll work on Mr Douglas.
260
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,114
But, Oliver...
261
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,550
- I told you, I'm
not getting involved.
262
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,052
- Oh, Oliver!
263
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,486
- No, no, no, please,
leave me alone.
264
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:53,056
I want to finish
weeding these carrots.
265
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,913
- Well, I'll help you.
266
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,494
Oh!
267
00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:00,163
Look at the root on this weed.
268
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:04,033
- That's a carrot.
269
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,057
- Oh...
270
00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,310
- Lisa, you can't
hammer the carrot...
271
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,812
Oh...
272
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:18,147
- Oliver, you could really
get the money for Arnold
273
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:19,982
if you tried.
274
00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:21,450
- Look, I'll say it once more.
275
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:25,088
There is no way to get that
money from the Birnbacher estate
276
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,556
without some tangible proof
277
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,458
that Arnold is a
descendant of the pig
278
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:32,394
that they used on the package.
279
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,418
Mr Haney!
280
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:36,298
Those are carrots!
281
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,734
- They are?
282
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:41,771
Well, you can deduct any
damage I've done from my fee.
283
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,272
- What fee?
284
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,296
- My card.
285
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:49,011
- Mr Haney, Tracer
of Lost Pig Heirs.
286
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:50,947
Oh, for the love of...
287
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,581
- There's your answer, Oliver.
288
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:56,219
Mr Haney can help you to find
out about Arnold's ancestors.
289
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,020
- I accept the case,
290
00:12:58,044 --> 00:13:01,190
now if I can have your
check for 5,000 dollars...
291
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,214
- What?
292
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,194
- That's the standard
pig tracer fee,
293
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:08,430
as set by the Pig
Tracers of America,
294
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:11,555
or as it's sometimes
called, the PTA.
295
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,370
Can I have the money?
296
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,738
- Mr Haney, how can you prove
297
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:18,274
that Arnold is
related to Herman?
298
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:22,178
- It's simple, I use the blood
sample comparison method.
299
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,445
Now, if you will just step
300
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,548
to the back of my
mobile laboratory,
301
00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,717
I call it that because
it was given to me
302
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:31,954
by one of my grateful
clients, Mo Bile.
303
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,490
Oh brother!
304
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:37,894
- That's just a little joke I
use before escorting people
305
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,962
to the back of the truck.
306
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:42,832
It sorta takes the
tension out of the air.
307
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,366
- Mm, it works!
308
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:46,958
I don't feel as tense as I did.
309
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,473
- There it is!
310
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:54,565
The famous Bulewacker
Blood Comparer.
311
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,247
- That's one of those
fortune-telling machines
312
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,648
you find in a...
313
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,350
- May I introduce my assistant,
314
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:04,353
the wax model of
Cornelia Bulewacker,
315
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,189
who invented the machine.
316
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:08,324
- How do you do?
317
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,591
- What are you saying, how...
318
00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:11,928
- Now this machine
works on the theory
319
00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:14,330
that blood is
thicker than water.
320
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:17,099
Now by placing a sample
of the tracee's blood
321
00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:21,292
into the machine, then,
putting a dime into the slot,
322
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,976
and automatically, the
machine will match up
323
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,235
the blood of the
tracee and the tracor.
324
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:35,784
Now, since Arnold is a
member of the hog family,
325
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:39,788
Miss Bulewacker has been
programmed for pig blood,
326
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:43,982
which as you know contains
40% more suet than human blood.
327
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:47,330
- Mr Haney, if you don't get
328
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:48,931
that penny arcade
machine out of here...
329
00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:50,188
- Penny arcade?
330
00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:55,771
I believe I detect a tear
in Miss Bulewacker's eye.
331
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,206
- Lisa, let's...
332
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,942
- Hey, if you're not interested
in the scientific approach
333
00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:02,178
how about a reliable witness
334
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:05,447
who can testify that
he knows positively
335
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:08,951
that Arnold is a direct
descendant of Herman?
336
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:10,853
- And who would that be?
337
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:11,877
- My card.
338
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,558
- Mr Haney,
Professional Pig Witness.
339
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:20,029
- For 10,000 dollars,
I will be willing
340
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,764
to get on the witness stand
341
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:25,467
and swear under oath,
that I know for a fact
342
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:28,704
that Arnold is Herman's
great grandson.
343
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,072
- Oliver, give him the money.
344
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,774
- Lisa, that'd be perjury.
345
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,009
- It would?
346
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,812
Well, in that case, my
fee would be 20,000.
347
00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:38,502
- Goodbye, Mr Haney!
348
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:44,387
- Oh, come on, Cornelia, I'll
take you back to the arcade
349
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:48,224
before they miss you.
350
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,429
- Morning, Mr Drucker.
351
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,730
- Mornin', Mr Douglas.
352
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,165
Shall I fill her up?
353
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:57,833
- Huh?
- Check the oil?
354
00:15:57,857 --> 00:15:59,368
- Well...
- I'm just practicing.
355
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,203
This is where I'm gonna
build my gas station.
356
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:02,838
- Oh, well...
- You don't think it'll be
357
00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,640
too close to the
lunch room, do you?
358
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,175
- What lunchroom?
359
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,477
- The one I'm building right
next to the souvenir stand.
360
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,413
- What souvenir stand?
361
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,015
- For the tourists who'll be
flockin' here to Arnoldville.
362
00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:14,984
- Arnoldville?
363
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,485
- We're renamin' the town.
364
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,787
It's the least we can do
for our wealthiest citizen.
365
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,257
- Oh, Mr Drucker, before
you change anything...
366
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,691
- Oh, I'm glad you came.
367
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,475
I've got something
inside I want to show you.
368
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,264
How do you like 'em?
369
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,765
- What are they?
370
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:32,501
- Well, this is the official
Arnold Ziffel piggy bank.
371
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,504
I had Arnold plastered
and scaled down to size.
372
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:36,839
- That's the...
373
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:38,341
- Going to order 10,000 of them.
374
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,409
Arnold's promised to
autograph them for me.
375
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,344
- But Mr Drucker...
376
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,745
- And this is a people bank.
377
00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:45,114
- A people bank?
378
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:46,515
- Yeah, well, I
figure a lot of tourists
379
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:47,984
will be bringing
their pigs with them,
380
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,152
and I don't think a pig would
want to buy a piggy bank.
381
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,855
- So you're going to
sell them a people bank.
382
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:55,358
- Right, now, this is
the same kind of football
383
00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:57,793
that Arnold uses when he
plays with the kids at school.
384
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,128
It's made out of plastic.
385
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,864
He's real sensitive
about using pigskin.
386
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:04,367
- I can see where he would be.
387
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,435
- I'm orderin' 5,000 of them.
388
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:09,105
- But, Mr Drucker, aren't
you jumping the gun a little?
389
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:10,806
- Oh, I want to get
in on the ground floor.
390
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:14,676
This town is going to see
the biggest pig boom in history.
391
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,512
- Mr Drucker, it hasn't
been established yet
392
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,415
that Arnold is the legal heir
to the Birnbacher fortune.
393
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:21,150
- Oh, well, we ain't
worried about that,
394
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,618
with you handling
things for him.
395
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:25,287
You're the best
pig lawyer in town.
396
00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:26,722
- I am not a...
397
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,224
- Oh, by the way, when
you're in Chicago with Arnold,
398
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,326
maybe you could stop in
at the novelty house, and...
399
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:31,760
- I'm not going to Chicago.
400
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,029
- What?
401
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,596
- I'm not getting
involved in this.
402
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:35,831
- What?
403
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,933
- I have not accepted
Arnold as a client.
404
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:38,901
- What?
405
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:40,503
- Will you stop saying what?
406
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:41,527
- Why?
407
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,173
- Mr Drucker...
408
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:47,043
- Mr Douglas, how can
you do this to Hooterville?
409
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,145
- I'm not doing
anything to Hooterville.
410
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,480
- You're flushin'
it down the drain.
411
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,849
- Mr Drucker, an
attorney has a right
412
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:56,285
to accept a client
or not, as he wishes.
413
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:57,520
- Well, not in Hooterville.
414
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,221
In Hooterville, you're
either for Hooterville,
415
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:00,822
or you live in Pixley.
416
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:01,990
- Look, now see here...
417
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:03,192
- Now, take my
advice, Mr Douglas,
418
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,727
either change your
mind or start packin'.
419
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,496
- I am not changing my mind,
420
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,398
and I am not packing.
421
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:17,573
- Dog gone, just when the
Auto Club was gonna put
422
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,164
Hooterville on their road maps.
423
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,581
- Howdy, Mr Douglas.
424
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:26,615
- Oh, hi.
425
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,417
- Arnold's been waitin' for ya.
426
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,774
He's all packed for Chicago.
427
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,291
- I'm not going to Chicago.
428
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,026
Look, Eb, forget Arnold.
429
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:40,296
Get out on the field and
finish weeding those carrots.
430
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,131
- There's no sense in me
walkin' all the way out there
431
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:44,233
when it's gonna pour any minute.
432
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:45,501
- Who said that?
433
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:48,137
- Arnold's tail,
see, it's all curly.
434
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,972
That means rain!
435
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,474
- Well, I'm sorry
to disagree with it,
436
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:52,674
but the Weather Bureau says
437
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,743
no rain in sight
for the next month.
438
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,078
Now get to work.
439
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:57,513
- But Mr Douglas,
Arnold's tail...
440
00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,515
- I don't want to hear
anymore about Arnold, his tail,
441
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:00,539
or Chicago!
442
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:05,977
Lisa!
443
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:08,690
- Oh, Oliver!
444
00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:11,160
Oliver, oh, you
found your suitcase.
445
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,694
- Who left that there?
446
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:15,464
- Oh, I packed it for you
for your trip to Chicago.
447
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,366
- I'm not going to Chicago.
448
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,335
- Well, then you better
take your suitcase
449
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:20,936
and move to Pixley.
450
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,506
- All this fuss
over a stupid pig.
451
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,374
- Have you got
20 million dollars?
452
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:28,244
- No.
- And you call him stupid?
453
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,347
- He hasn't got
20 million dollars.
454
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:34,350
- Well, he would, if you
wouldn't pull this fink act.
455
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,875
- Look how many times
do I have to tell you that...
456
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,188
Now what?
457
00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:40,212
Come in!
458
00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,025
- Hi, Mr Douglas.
459
00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,226
- Mr Kimball?
460
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:47,151
- Well, I'll get
right to the point.
461
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:52,535
What point?
462
00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:54,503
- Oh, no, I believe
it's West Point.
463
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,971
Yeah, that's where they train...
464
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:58,574
- Mr Kimball, what did
you want to see me about?
465
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,431
- See you about?
- Yes.
466
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,434
- Oh, yes.
467
00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,515
- Well?
468
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,984
- Oh, the town council
has appointed me
469
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,654
a committee of one
to come over and...
470
00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:15,924
No, they appointed
me a committee of three.
471
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:17,926
Wonder what happened
to the other two fellas?
472
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:22,298
Well, whatever I am, I'm here.
473
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:23,699
- For what?
474
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,367
- Oh, to get you to
change your mind
475
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:29,405
about going to, where were
you supposed to go again?
476
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,429
- Chicago.
477
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,942
- Oh, yes, to get
you to go to Chicago
478
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:34,966
to get...
479
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,346
What were you
supposed to get again?
480
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,370
- To get Arnold's money.
481
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,150
But I'm not going.
482
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,419
- Well, the town council told me
483
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,053
that if I couldn't get
you to change your mind,
484
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,023
I was to deliver the
following message.
485
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:50,792
Um... Following message...
486
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:54,563
What is the message?
487
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:55,919
- Gee, I forgot.
488
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,134
Can I use your telephone
to call the council?
489
00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:00,458
- Help yourself.
490
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:02,461
- To what?
491
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:04,429
- The phone!
492
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:08,677
- Oh, don't you
need it any more?
493
00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:10,145
- Bye, Mr Kimball.
494
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:14,338
Oh, well, goodbye Mr um...
495
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:21,445
- This town is unbelievable.
496
00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:27,028
Hey, what are you packing for?
497
00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:29,365
- If you won't take
Arnold to Chicago
498
00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:31,133
then I'm going to take him there
499
00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:33,569
to get his inheritation.
500
00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:34,503
- How can you get it?
501
00:21:34,527 --> 00:21:36,204
It requires a lawyer.
502
00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:37,773
- I've been married
to one long enough
503
00:21:37,797 --> 00:21:39,775
to know all the
tricks of the trade.
504
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,711
I know how to tell the
loops from the holes
505
00:21:42,735 --> 00:21:46,003
and the whereases
from the whereforers.
506
00:21:47,206 --> 00:21:50,552
- All right, go ahead,
make a fool of yourself.
507
00:21:50,576 --> 00:21:52,321
- You'd let me do that?
508
00:21:52,345 --> 00:21:54,790
I always have.
509
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:57,693
Oh no, I mean... Look, Lisa.
510
00:21:57,717 --> 00:21:59,628
There's absolutely no proof
511
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:02,130
that Arnold is the
pig they're looking for,
512
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:04,065
but if it will make you happy,
513
00:22:04,089 --> 00:22:06,735
I'll call the Birnbacher
lawyer in Chicago
514
00:22:06,759 --> 00:22:09,338
and I'll talk to
him about Arnold.
515
00:22:09,362 --> 00:22:12,675
- Oh, why that
would be wonderful!
516
00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:15,243
And don't forget to
take your umbrella.
517
00:22:15,267 --> 00:22:18,814
Arnold's tail says
it's going to rain.
518
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,103
- Oh, pussycat!
519
00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:23,985
- Charles Gerber speaking.
520
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:25,688
- Are you the attorney
for the Birnbacher estate?
521
00:22:25,712 --> 00:22:26,922
- Yes, I am.
522
00:22:26,946 --> 00:22:30,559
- My name is Douglas,
Oliver Wendell Douglas,
523
00:22:30,583 --> 00:22:32,994
and I'm calling you
about Arnold Ziffel.
524
00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:35,531
You see...
- Who is Arnold Ziffel?
525
00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:37,032
- Oh, he's a pig.
526
00:22:37,056 --> 00:22:40,536
And he might possibly be
the heir that you're looking for.
527
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:41,837
- Oh, is this your pig?
528
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:43,939
- Oh, no, no-no,
I'm an attorney.
529
00:22:43,963 --> 00:22:46,375
- Oh, you're the pig's lawyer.
530
00:22:46,399 --> 00:22:48,410
Ah, not exactly.
531
00:22:48,434 --> 00:22:51,413
Fred Ziffel...
- Is that Arnold's brother?
532
00:22:51,437 --> 00:22:54,750
- Oh, no, no-no,
Fred's Arnold's father.
533
00:22:54,774 --> 00:22:58,186
Well, anyway, he came over
and he asked me if I would...
534
00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:00,911
- And this Fred
is a talking pig?
535
00:23:02,281 --> 00:23:05,093
- No, he's a talking man.
536
00:23:05,117 --> 00:23:07,429
Mr Gerber, if
you'll just allow me,
537
00:23:07,453 --> 00:23:08,453
oh, darn it!
538
00:23:09,389 --> 00:23:10,566
- Now what?
539
00:23:10,590 --> 00:23:12,468
- It's starting to rain,
I'm getting all wet.
540
00:23:12,492 --> 00:23:14,336
- Oh, your roof leaks.
541
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,839
- No, I'm calling from the
top of a telephone pole.
542
00:23:16,863 --> 00:23:18,206
- The top of a...
543
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,708
- Yeah, that's where
our telephone is.
544
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:21,042
- Is it cheaper that way?
545
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:22,066
- No, it's...
546
00:23:23,302 --> 00:23:24,813
- Oliver! Oliver!
547
00:23:24,837 --> 00:23:26,181
It's raining!
548
00:23:26,205 --> 00:23:27,683
- I know!
549
00:23:27,707 --> 00:23:30,586
- I told you you should
have listened to Arnold's tail.
550
00:23:30,610 --> 00:23:32,554
- Oh, you and that dumb tail.
551
00:23:32,578 --> 00:23:34,423
- I beg your pardon?
552
00:23:34,447 --> 00:23:36,625
- No-no, I was
talking to my wife.
553
00:23:36,649 --> 00:23:39,327
She thinks Arnold can
predict the weather with his tail.
554
00:23:39,351 --> 00:23:41,029
- With his tail?
555
00:23:41,053 --> 00:23:44,733
Mr Douglas, what
would you say if I told you
556
00:23:44,757 --> 00:23:47,469
that Herman the Birnbacher
pig had the same talent
557
00:23:47,493 --> 00:23:49,971
for predicting the
weather with his tail?
558
00:23:49,995 --> 00:23:51,039
- You mean you
think it's possible
559
00:23:51,063 --> 00:23:53,341
that Arnold is...
- He might just be.
560
00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:54,943
Now, I suggest that
you get the Ziffels
561
00:23:54,967 --> 00:23:56,578
to bring Arnold here to Chicago.
562
00:23:56,602 --> 00:23:58,113
We'll discuss
the matter further.
563
00:23:58,137 --> 00:23:59,648
- Fred can't leave his farm
564
00:23:59,672 --> 00:24:01,483
because his wife
is in Philadelphia.
565
00:24:01,507 --> 00:24:05,253
- Mr Douglas, will you
bring the pig to Chicago?
566
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:08,223
- Look, Mr Gerber, I'm
getting soaked, and I...
567
00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:10,859
- Mr Douglas, we're anxious
to get this estate settled.
568
00:24:10,883 --> 00:24:11,693
- All right!
569
00:24:11,717 --> 00:24:12,994
I'll bring him!
570
00:24:13,018 --> 00:24:14,018
Goodbye!
571
00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,601
Next week, we take
Arnold to Chicago
572
00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:22,137
to claim his 20 million dollars.
573
00:24:22,161 --> 00:24:24,840
See what money
will do, even for a pig?
574
00:24:24,864 --> 00:24:28,276
- Take Mr Ziffel
to the Royal Suite.
575
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:29,711
- Yes, sir!
576
00:24:29,735 --> 00:24:32,648
May I have your bag, Mr Ziffel?
577
00:24:32,672 --> 00:24:34,182
- See what happens
when a beautiful girl
578
00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:35,717
is caught taking a bath.
579
00:24:35,741 --> 00:24:36,741
Hello there!
580
00:24:37,910 --> 00:24:39,922
And see Arnold's new
wardrobe made for him
581
00:24:39,946 --> 00:24:42,825
by Al Capone's old tailor.
582
00:24:42,849 --> 00:24:45,794
All this and more, next
week on Green Acres.
583
00:25:19,485 --> 00:25:23,387
This has been a Filmways
presentation, Darling.
39118
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