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♪ Green Acres is the place to be
2
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:25,835
♪ Farm livin' is the life for me
3
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:29,772
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
4
00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:33,943
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
5
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:37,947
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
6
00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:42,019
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
7
00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:45,822
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
8
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:50,015
♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
9
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:57,234
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
10
00:00:57,258 --> 00:01:00,203
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
11
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,871
♪ Goodbye city life
12
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:05,497
♪ Green Acres we are there
13
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:25,617
- Lisa, Lisa.
14
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:27,997
- What's the matter?
15
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,367
- Who's the strange man
sleeping on the couch?
16
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,770
- Ooh, that's Oliver.
17
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:34,859
- Oliver who?
18
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:36,995
- My husband.
19
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:40,546
- What a horrible sight to
wake up to in the morning.
20
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:51,154
- I heard what that
old Hungarian said.
21
00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:53,823
- That's a fine way to
talk about my mother.
22
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,559
- Yeah, how 'bout the
way she talked about me?
23
00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:58,128
- That's different,
you're my husband.
24
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,697
- What's that got to do with it?
25
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,165
- How did you sleep last night?
26
00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:07,003
- Oh, terrible, this couch
has more lumps in it than...
27
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:08,338
- Ooh, seems soft to me,
28
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:10,006
maybe it's you that is lumpy.
29
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:14,911
- I'm no lumpier than the
average American husband.
30
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,114
- Oh Oliver, it won't
be for much longer,
31
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:20,917
Mother will only be
here a few weeks more.
32
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:22,107
- A few weeks?
33
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,456
Have you ever seen a
strong, lumpy man cry?
34
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,293
- Well, if you don't want
my mother to visit us,
35
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,562
then why did you invite her?
36
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,531
- I didn't invite her,
she barged in here
37
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:37,134
with 80 pieces of luggage,
a house boy, a dog...
38
00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,935
- Well it could've been worse,
39
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:43,740
she might have brought
my uncle aunt Max with her.
40
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:46,209
- Your uncle aunt Max?
41
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:48,645
- The one that works in
the circus as a half man
42
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:49,669
and a half woman.
43
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,150
- I don't believe you
ever mentioned him,
44
00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,839
or her, or whatever.
45
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,488
- Well, you see
what happened was...
46
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,458
- Look, Lisa, I really don't
mind your mother being here,
47
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:04,794
but, why don't we try
to rearrange things?
48
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,830
- That's what they tried to
do with Aunt Max, you see...
49
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:10,833
- I'm talking about us,
why can't you and I go back
50
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,903
to sleeping in the bedroom,
and let your mother sleep here.
51
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,472
- Well, Mother would
be glad to do that,
52
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:18,775
but she has a thing about
sleeping on a public couch.
53
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,567
- A public couch?
54
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,381
Look, how about the
Shady Rest Hotel?
55
00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:27,116
They've got nice rooms,
big comfortable beds.
56
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,386
- Mother already
suggested that, but I told her
57
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:33,956
that I didn't think that you
wanted to move to a hotel.
58
00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,214
- Oh, Timbuktu!
59
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,430
- Where are you going?
60
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,199
- To shave and get dressed.
61
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:45,835
- Oh you can't,
Mother is taking a bath.
62
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,537
- Well I want to get to work.
63
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:51,040
- Well why don't
you take a shower?
64
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:55,245
- I can't, she's using the
hose to fill up the bath tub.
65
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:58,348
- Well, she only going
to be for a minute.
66
00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,016
- But will it be alright
if I get my clothes
67
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,150
out of the bedroom?
68
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,452
- Of course.
69
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:03,476
- Thank you.
70
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:11,261
You lay one fang on me and...
71
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,696
- What's he doing
in out bedroom?
72
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,497
- Guarding Mother's jewels.
73
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,733
- I'm not gonna
steal her jewels.
74
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,102
- Well how does he know that?
75
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:21,971
- He'll just have to
take my word for it.
76
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:27,999
- It's alright, Shawn,
I'll keep an eye on him.
77
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:31,715
- Where are my clothes?
78
00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:33,583
- Mother needed
the room for hers.
79
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,287
- What did she do with mine?
80
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:40,257
- Well, she put them
away, what do you need?
81
00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:43,293
- I need my slacks,
my shirt, my vest.
82
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,994
- Here you are.
83
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,896
Oh no, no, this is your tuxedo.
84
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,420
- What kind of...
85
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,923
- Oh, here we are, there.
86
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:58,275
- This is my good, look
at this, my good suit.
87
00:04:58,299 --> 00:04:59,576
- It needs pressing.
88
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,744
- It was pressed.
89
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,345
- Then why is it wrinkled?
90
00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:03,780
- Because your mother...
91
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,249
- Oh, here are your slacks.
92
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:07,651
- And where are my shoes?
93
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,352
- I think Mother put
them in the pocket.
94
00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,589
- For the love of...
95
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,724
- Isn't that a handy
way to put things away?
96
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,259
- No, it's not!
97
00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:18,161
- Don't yell, Mother
is taking a bath.
98
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:19,862
- What has that got
to do with putting...
99
00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:21,364
- You get dressed,
and then we see
100
00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:22,832
what we're going to do today.
101
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,601
- I know what I'm
going to do today,
102
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,603
I'm going to spray the corn.
103
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,406
- Well, that's not going to
be very amusing for Mother.
104
00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:30,940
- I'm sorry.
105
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,875
- Oh, but darling, my mother
has been here for two weeks,
106
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,911
and she's hardly
been out of the house.
107
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,479
- Look, that's not my fault,
108
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:37,980
why don't you take
her out and show her
109
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,316
all the sights around here?
110
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:40,650
- What sights?
111
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,285
- There are a lot of things,
112
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:43,886
take her up to the
museum in Picksley,
113
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:45,888
let her look at the dead frogs.
114
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,491
- Or go over to Ben Miller's,
115
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,275
get him to show her
his three legged rooster.
116
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,030
- Now, why would she want
to see a three legged rooster,
117
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,700
when we've got an
Aunt Max in the family?
118
00:05:58,124 --> 00:06:00,570
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
I forgot about uh...
119
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:03,039
- Oliver, I have a feeling,
that if we don't show Mother
120
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,107
a good time, she's
going to leave.
121
00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:10,146
When?
122
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,215
- That wasn't very nice,
after she came all the way
123
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:14,451
from Europe to see us.
124
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,386
- She's seen us,
125
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,755
if she wants she can take
another look before she goes.
126
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,390
- Oliver!
127
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,592
- Lisa, I'll admit,
there's very little here
128
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,027
for your mother to
do, she'd be better off
129
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,930
with her friends in
Rome, Paris, London.
130
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,533
- But she came here to
get to know you better.
131
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:33,536
- Know me, she can't
even remember my name!
132
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,560
- Polliver!
133
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:36,529
- Oliver.
134
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:39,376
- Well, she was close.
135
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,078
- How do you shut off the hose?
136
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,880
- I'll do it.
137
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,649
- Mother, what would
you like to do today?
138
00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:49,252
- Oh, that's up to
you and, uh, Escobar.
139
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,587
Oliver!
140
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,222
- Who is he calling?
141
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:56,192
- Mother, is there anything
you would like to see?
142
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:57,427
- Like what?
143
00:06:57,451 --> 00:07:01,030
- Well, Mr. Miller has
a three legged rooster,
144
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,900
and the museum with the frogs.
145
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,370
- No, thank you,
you know darling,
146
00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:09,972
I have been thinking,
I have an invitation
147
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:12,809
from the Duke to go
grouse hunting in Scotland.
148
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:15,311
If I left today...
- Mother, you cant!
149
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,178
- Can't what?
150
00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:17,380
- Leave today.
151
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,281
- Yes she can.
152
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,616
- No, she can't.
153
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,117
- Look if that's what
she wants to do.
154
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,184
- But she doesn't!
155
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,185
- She said she did!
156
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,754
- Well, I really don't.
157
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,322
- Will you stay out of this?
158
00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:28,324
- Oliver!
159
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:29,759
- Who's Oliver?
160
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,128
- Oh for the love of...
161
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,229
- Breakfast ready soon.
162
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:35,264
- Oh good Kyoto, I'm starved,
163
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,499
I'll be in as soon
as I get dressed.
164
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,367
- But what about
Mother's leaving?
165
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,904
- We can discuss that
while she's packing.
166
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,917
- Eggs benedict?
167
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:54,951
- You like?
168
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,320
- Oh, ho, ho, I sure do!
169
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:58,955
- So do dog.
170
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,427
- Eggs Benedict for a...
171
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,284
- He very fussy eater.
172
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,833
- Oh, what is that?
173
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,901
- Breakfast steak, you like?
174
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,036
- Oh, I certainly do!
175
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,005
- So do Countess,
this her breakfast.
176
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,008
- Well, could you make me some?
177
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,242
- Good morning Kyoto!
178
00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:22,378
- Oh good morning
Master Douglas.
179
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:23,802
- Master Douglas?
180
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:28,874
- Oh, he your son, in Japan,
man who has son, very happy.
181
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,988
- He's not my son.
182
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,357
- Then, you not be
happy man in Japan.
183
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,927
- Look I don't care,
look, I'm very hungry,
184
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,896
I'd like to have
something to eat.
185
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,899
- I'm very hungry too,
is my breakfast ready?
186
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:43,967
- One minute!
187
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,468
- I ordered it last night,
188
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:47,971
boy I sure am glad Grandma
Countess brought Kyoto.
189
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,105
What a cook!
190
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,540
- She's not your grand...
191
00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:53,476
- I no be here anymore,
Countess and I leaving today.
192
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:54,844
- She can't leave!
193
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,012
- Yes she can!
194
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:56,946
- But why?
195
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,448
- Mr. Douglas throw us out!
196
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:00,950
- Oh, I didn't.
197
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,552
- How could you do that
to such a wonderful woman.
198
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,853
Do you know what she did?
199
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,922
She sent to New
York for a suit for me.
200
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,757
It cost $200.
201
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:10,259
- 200? Oh, I don't believe it!
202
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,828
- You will when
you get the bill.
203
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:13,796
- What!?
204
00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:15,732
- She charged it to you!
205
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:16,900
- She had no right to...
206
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,100
- How could you
throw out a generous,
207
00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:20,770
kind hearted woman like her?
208
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:23,006
- Look, Eb, she's leaving
of her own free will,
209
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,542
she's bored here, there's
nothing for her to do.
210
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:27,744
- That's your fault, you never
even took her over to see
211
00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:29,245
Ben Miller's three
legged chicken.
212
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,816
- There you are!
213
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:38,009
Eggs, sausage, ham, bacon,
country fried potatoes, toast,
214
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,224
- You forgot somthing.
215
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,248
- Oh yeah, hominy glits.
216
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,297
I fix 'em right away.
217
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,500
- Forget the glits, fix
me some breakfast!
218
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:55,471
- Your breakfast in oven,
I cook something special.
219
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:58,007
- Oh, something special.
220
00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,508
- There you are.
221
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,646
- Hot cakes?
222
00:10:03,670 --> 00:10:05,648
- Your wife was
saying, you love them,
223
00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:07,584
eat them every morning.
224
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:11,353
She show me, I cook
them just the way she does.
225
00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:13,289
- Just the way she does.
226
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:16,214
- You like them
blooping like that.
227
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,562
- Could I have
some ham and eggs?
228
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:21,397
- Sorry, no more.
229
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,967
- Well, how 'bout
that breakfast steak?
230
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,002
- Last one for Countess.
231
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,704
- Um, eggs benedict?
232
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,373
- All gone.
233
00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:33,476
- Well, what have you got?!
234
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,177
- Just bloopers.
235
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:36,813
- He means bloopers.
236
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:41,417
- I don't need you to translate
my wife's hot cakes for me!
237
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,086
- Well what do I do with those?
238
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,420
- Get some wire and some solder
239
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,388
and make transistor
radios out of them.
240
00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:56,599
- Hi Sam.
241
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,601
- Oh, hi Joe, how are
things at the Shady Rest?
242
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,670
- Ah, boomin' I'm thinking
of putting in a ski lift.
243
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:01,804
- What for?
244
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,673
- To lift skis.
245
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:04,941
- To lift ...?
246
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,308
- What kind of soda pop you got?
247
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,477
- I got lemon, lime,
orange, cherry,
248
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,579
raspberry, birch
beer, and strawberry.
249
00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:12,214
- I'll take strawberry.
250
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:13,716
- That'll be 10 cents.
251
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,885
- 10 cents? Say is it all
right if I exchange this
252
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,453
for a bottle of orange?
253
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,022
- Yeah, go ahead.
254
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:20,256
That'll be 10 cents.
255
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,991
- How much was the strawberry?
256
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,492
- 10 cents.
257
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,836
- Well, I exchanged that for
the orange, so now we're even.
258
00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:27,730
- We're not!
259
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:28,965
- You got an opener?
260
00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:30,599
- Yeah, but it'll cost
you 10 cents to use it.
261
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:31,934
- Isn't that a little steep?
262
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:33,202
- Look, if you
want free soda pop,
263
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,237
you gotta pay for
the use of the opener.
264
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:38,574
Well in that case
265
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,309
- Joe you ...!
266
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,610
- Here's mud in your eye.
267
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,245
- You blankety-blank!
268
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,514
- It's a dang shame,
that's what it is.
269
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,183
A dang shame.
270
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,953
- Have a free soda
pop, Eb, use my opener.
271
00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:52,555
- They're not free.
272
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:55,357
- I don't want any
anyway, not the way I feel.
273
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:56,826
- What's a matter?
274
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:59,228
- Grandma Countess is
leaving, that's what's a matter.
275
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,564
- Well I thought she was
gonna stay another few weeks.
276
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,265
- Who was gonna stay?
277
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,934
- Mrs. Douglas' mother.
278
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,703
- Have a bottle of
free soda pop Haney.
279
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,805
- Free? I thought they's a dime?
280
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,407
- Well Sam's got a new
policy, the soda pop's free,
281
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:14,310
but he charges you 10
cents for the use of his opener.
282
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,913
- Oh, well then, in that case...
283
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,349
- Joe, will you stop...
284
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,585
- Why is the Countess leaving?
285
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:25,421
- Guess Mr. Douglas got
tired of her free loading.
286
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,523
Mmm, I think I'll have a lime.
287
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:28,880
- Joe, don't...
288
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,430
- I thought the
Countess liked it here.
289
00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:37,066
- She does, but she's
bored, there's nothing to do,
290
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,534
nowhere to go.
291
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:40,402
- You mean Mr. Douglas
aint took her over to see
292
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,638
Ben Miller's three
legged chicken?
293
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,141
- No sir.
294
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:45,975
- This aint cold.
295
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:46,909
- Too bad.
296
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:47,810
- Got any ice?
297
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:49,145
- In the cooler.
298
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:49,979
- Where's the key?
299
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:51,781
- In the cooler.
300
00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:54,250
Joe, you're driving
me out of my mind.
301
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:57,086
- Poor Grandma,
nobody ever takes her out,
302
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,955
she just sits there,
day after day,
303
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:00,556
like a bump on a log.
304
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,391
- Maybe that's the reason
they don't take her out,
305
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,735
who wants to go out with a
woman who looks like a log bump?
306
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,664
- You've never seen
her, she's very attractive.
307
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:11,033
In fact, she's
beautiful, more beautiful
308
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:12,468
than most wealthy women.
309
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,336
- Wealthy?
- Wealthy?
310
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,073
- Yeah, she's got a big
limousine and a villa in Italy,
311
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,441
and more jewelry
than Mrs. Douglas.
312
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,010
- Uh, care to make
a rough estimate
313
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:22,979
on how much the
jewelry is worth?
314
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,814
- A million dollars!
315
00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:26,048
- Excuse me gentleman,
316
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,751
I just thought of
an errand I gotta do.
317
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:30,319
- Haney, if you're
thinking of...
318
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:33,589
oh that Haney, the
minute he smells money.
319
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:34,991
- I got an errand I gotta do.
320
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,492
- What kind of errand?
321
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:37,726
- An errand of mercy,
322
00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:39,962
oh say, I'll need some
sure fire breath mints,
323
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:41,463
a tube of Black's
hair slick 'em,
324
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,065
and some Italian
after shave lotion,
325
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,769
put it in a sack and
I'll pick it up later.
326
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,770
- Joe, you outta be
ashamed of yourself.
327
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:49,371
- For doing my civic duty?
328
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,507
Saving that poor wealthy
woman from the clutches
329
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:52,809
of that no-good Haney.
330
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,945
- He's a good man.
331
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,153
- Oliver?
332
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,387
- Hmm?
333
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:06,923
- Mother has most of
her suitcases packed,
334
00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:09,325
she needs her trunk, will you
please get it out of the barn?
335
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,426
- Sure, I'd be glad to.
336
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,361
- That's what I thought you say.
337
00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:13,729
- What did I say?
338
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,966
- That you are glad
that she's leaving.
339
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:18,767
- I said I'd be glad
to get the trunk.
340
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,770
- It's the same thing,
the trunk is for leaving,
341
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,739
and you're glad to get it.
342
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:26,843
- Oh, for... Lisa, you act as if
343
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,777
I'm throwing your mother out.
344
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:31,180
- Well, you finally admitted it.
345
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,250
- Your mother is leaving
because she hasn't got
346
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:35,684
anything to do.
347
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:36,919
- You could have found
her something else
348
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:38,821
besides a three legged chicken.
349
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,357
- It's your mother's decision,
350
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,382
so let's not argue
anymore about it.
351
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,965
Oh, Mr. Haney.
352
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:53,124
- Mr. Douglas, is her
lordship, the Countess anon?
353
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,261
- Anon?
354
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,841
What are you made up
for, this isn't Halloween, is it?
355
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:01,577
- Mr. Douglas, don't
you recognize a royal
356
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,413
tea drinking suit
when you see one?
357
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:05,915
- No, no I just...
358
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,817
- Would you mind tellin'
her royalness that I am here?
359
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:10,319
- Look, she's very busy now.
360
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,388
- It will just take a moment,
361
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:15,724
I just want to present
her with this $29 bouquet,
362
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,961
of fresh cut,
artificial flowers.
363
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,364
- $29 for that?
364
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,900
- Oh, hello there Mr. Haney.
365
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:25,467
- Mrs. Douglas.
366
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:28,637
- Don't you look nice in
your royal tea drinking suit.
367
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:32,875
- What are you talking
about, there's no such thing.
368
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:34,343
- Who are those for?
369
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,446
- Oh, you mean this $32 bouquet?
370
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,681
They're for your
charming mother.
371
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:42,285
- They were $29 two minutes ago.
372
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:45,821
- Well, as they
say, time is money.
373
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:49,125
Would you mind trotting
out her Countesship?
374
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:51,227
- Oh mother is just
a plain Countess,
375
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:53,996
she doesn't have
a ship on her hand.
376
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,464
Mother!
377
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,199
- Oh Lisa, I wouldn't
disturb her now, that she's...
378
00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,734
- Oh Mother!
379
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:02,371
- Oh, what a beautiful voice
you have for mother calling.
380
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,572
- Oh Mother, there is...
381
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:04,807
- What's the matter darling?
382
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:06,375
- Somebody here
who want to meet you.
383
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,077
- Oh, oh we've met before.
384
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,600
- No, not me, him.
385
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,681
- You remember Mr. Haney.
386
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,850
- Yes, how do you do?
387
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:19,021
- May I present you with
this $47 bouquet of flowers?
388
00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:23,725
- What happened to that
$29 bouquet you came in with?
389
00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:25,828
- Thank you very much.
390
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:28,965
- My pleasure, Countess,
I've heard that you are
391
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:32,868
unhappy here, because you
have nothing to do but wash
392
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:36,138
your expensive limousine,
and polish your jewels,
393
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:39,163
and worry about
your villa in Italy.
394
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,610
- Well no, I...
395
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:45,448
- Madam, I have come to
relieve you of your boredom.
396
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:47,583
- Also your limousine,
your jewelry,
397
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:48,851
and your villa in Italy.
398
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,753
- Oliver.
399
00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:54,156
I think it's very nice of
you to look after Mother.
400
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,824
What would you like to drink?
401
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,016
- Champagne would be fine.
402
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,563
- Champagne, uh, I
thought that was your
403
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,932
royal tea drinking suit?
404
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:06,469
- Oh, it's a reversible.
405
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,936
- Oliver, would you
please tell Kyoto
406
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,306
to put some
champagne on the ice?
407
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,475
- And put these into water.
408
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:15,277
- Water? These
are artificial flowers.
409
00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:17,146
- Put them into
artificial water.
410
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:24,620
- He's not too bright, is he?
411
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,588
Now as I's about
to say, Countess,
412
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,791
seein' that we're
both bachelors,
413
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:34,096
I thought that perhaps you
and I could bach it together.
414
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,631
- I beg your pardon?
415
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:38,000
- Well, what I meant was,
I would like to escort you
416
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:41,737
to the outstanding social
event of the season,
417
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:45,707
the Hooterville Volunteer
Fire Department Mardi Gras.
418
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:48,877
- I'd love to go, but
I'm leaving today.
419
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,347
- Why not Mother, now
you have a reason to stay.
420
00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:52,548
- Oh but Lisa...
421
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,749
- Oh she'll be
happy to go with you.
422
00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:56,318
- Well, I guess I could stay.
423
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:57,486
- Huh, stay where?
424
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,510
- Here.
425
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,090
- She's already packed.
426
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,724
- But Mr. Haney
invited Mother to go
427
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,027
to the Fire Department
Mardi Gras with him,
428
00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:07,063
isn't that wonderful?
429
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,487
- Wonderful? When will it be?
430
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,134
- A week from Friday night.
431
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:14,636
- A week from next Friday?
432
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:15,704
- Isn't that wonderful?
433
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:18,207
- Will you stop saying that?
434
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,076
- Don't you want her to stay?
435
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,510
- Oh, of course, of course,
436
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,079
but I don't think
she'll enjoy it as much
437
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,880
as the grouse
shooting in Scotland.
438
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:25,948
- Yes she will.
439
00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:26,782
- No she wont.
440
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,317
- I'm sure I will.
441
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:29,618
- I'm sure you wont.
442
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,287
- Then it's all settled.
443
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:33,822
- Oh, by the way Countess,
444
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,691
are you doing
anything this evening?
445
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,526
- No, I am not.
446
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,696
- Good, then I'll be over to
watch television with you,
447
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,888
goodbye, or as we say in
Italian, arrive-in-your-derci.
448
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,293
- Arrive-in-your-derci?
449
00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:52,130
- Until tonight then.
450
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,646
- Mother come, I'll
help you unpack.
451
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,274
- See you later.
452
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:12,027
- Aint that Gene Autry great?
453
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:14,263
- Which one is she?
454
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,698
- Uh, no, no
Countess, he aint a she,
455
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,501
he's the feller on the horse.
456
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:22,271
- The one with the gun,
that's shoosting the ataches.
457
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:24,507
- I believe they're Apaches.
458
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:29,145
- But it's hard to tell with
all that paint on their face.
459
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,313
- Watch this part Countess.
460
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:36,118
- They're shoosting
up the ataches again.
461
00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:39,410
Lisa, Lisa, - What's the matter?
462
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,391
- Set down, I gotta
get some sleep.
463
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:45,161
- Oh I'd love to, but Mr. Haney
and Mother are watching it.
464
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,630
- Oh, Mr. Haney,
if it wasn't for him
465
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:50,098
your mother would've...
- My mother what?
466
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,368
- Nevermind, just keep
the set down, shut the door
467
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:55,037
and let me go to sleep,
I got a big day tomorrow.
468
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:57,273
- Alright darling, sleep good.
469
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,036
- Aww, who's that?
470
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:16,625
Oh, hello Mr. Carson.
471
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,460
- Evening Mr. Douglas.
472
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,062
I was on my way to
do a little frog scaring,
473
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,564
I saw the light go out,
474
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,098
I thought maybe you had
a short circuit or something.
475
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,167
- Oh, no, no, no, I turned
off the light because...
476
00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:27,336
- Oliver, I told you my...
477
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,405
Oh, hello there Mr. Carson.
478
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,340
- Evening Mrs. Douglas,
I just dropped by
479
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,075
to fix your short circuit.
480
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,010
- We don't have a short circuit.
481
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:37,112
- If the Countess would
like to watch me work at it.
482
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,515
- I'll ask her; Mother!
483
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:41,149
- Lisa, you don't have to...
484
00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:43,452
- Get me a pair of
pliers and some tape.
485
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,153
- Look, there's
nothing wrong with...
486
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:46,177
- Yes, dear?
487
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,091
- Mother, this is Mr. Carson.
488
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:50,392
- Well how do you do?
489
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,251
- No, not me, him.
490
00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:56,665
- Oh, oh hello Mr. Carson.
491
00:20:56,689 --> 00:21:01,103
- How do you do, always
nice to meet a royal head.
492
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:04,473
- Mr. Carson came over
to fix our short circus.
493
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:07,042
- No, no, we don't
have a short circus...
494
00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:09,445
uh, but a circuit, circuit.
495
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:10,946
- Yeah, I've done
a lot of electric work
496
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:12,948
for some of the biggest
crowns in Europe.
497
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,049
You ever been to Europe?
498
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:16,518
- I was born in Budapest.
499
00:21:16,542 --> 00:21:18,520
- Oh, well you should
come to Europe some time,
500
00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:19,710
you'd love it.
501
00:21:21,147 --> 00:21:22,858
- Look, if you don't
mind, I'd like to...
502
00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:25,461
- Oh, I thought you went to
get the pliers and the tape?
503
00:21:25,485 --> 00:21:26,662
- No, I told you we...
504
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,530
- Yeah Countess, I
guess I've hob-knobbed
505
00:21:28,554 --> 00:21:30,532
with most of the royal crowns.
506
00:21:30,556 --> 00:21:34,136
You know, I bet you and me
got a lot of common friends.
507
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,037
- Wont you sit down?
508
00:21:36,061 --> 00:21:38,307
- Yeah, come on babe.
509
00:21:38,331 --> 00:21:40,509
- Look, Lisa, I want...
510
00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:41,910
- Squatez vous, Countess.
511
00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,200
- Squatez vous?
512
00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:46,548
- Yeah, that's
French for sit down.
513
00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:49,918
- You parlez French, Countess?
514
00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:51,253
- Oui.
515
00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:53,689
- Is that all you know?
516
00:21:57,850 --> 00:21:59,395
- Yeah, I guess it
does look like rain.
517
00:22:00,586 --> 00:22:01,797
- No, no, no,
Mother said that...
518
00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:03,699
- Look, nevermind what
Mother said, I'd like to
519
00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:05,534
schloffen on the couchen.
520
00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:06,902
- Oh, Oliver.
521
00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:09,738
- Don't you want to
see how the picture...
522
00:22:09,762 --> 00:22:10,972
Joe Carson!
523
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:12,174
- Haney, what are
you doing here?
524
00:22:12,198 --> 00:22:13,809
- Watching TV.
525
00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:15,344
- With my finance?
526
00:22:15,368 --> 00:22:18,146
- Fiance? I just met you!
527
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:19,682
- The longer you get to know me,
528
00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:22,384
the more you realize what
a smart move you've made.
529
00:22:22,408 --> 00:22:25,421
- Hold it, you aint
gettin' engaged to her!
530
00:22:25,445 --> 00:22:28,524
I'm planning to
plight her in my troth.
531
00:22:28,548 --> 00:22:30,959
- Plight her in your...
532
00:22:30,983 --> 00:22:31,893
- What does that mean?
533
00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:33,429
- I don't know, I just...
534
00:22:33,453 --> 00:22:37,299
- Haney, the Countess requests
the presence of your leaving.
535
00:22:37,323 --> 00:22:39,335
- I'll believe that
when I hear it
536
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:42,137
from my beloved's own lips.
537
00:22:42,161 --> 00:22:44,139
- She aint your beloved,
538
00:22:44,163 --> 00:22:45,073
and another thing...
539
00:22:45,097 --> 00:22:47,443
- Gentlemen, please don't fight!
540
00:22:47,467 --> 00:22:49,745
- I aint afraid of him,
he's got a yellow back
541
00:22:49,769 --> 00:22:51,714
all the way up his street.
542
00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:52,715
- Says you!
543
00:22:52,739 --> 00:22:54,182
- Says me!
544
00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:56,117
- I'll show you who has a...
545
00:22:56,141 --> 00:22:59,120
- Hold it, if you two want
to fight, fight outside!
546
00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:01,590
- Nobodies gonna tell us...
- Out!
547
00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:03,213
- You big wind bag!
548
00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:06,116
Help me on with it.
549
00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:11,800
- Oliver, stop them, they
might hurt each other.
550
00:23:11,824 --> 00:23:13,301
- Those two marshmallows?
551
00:23:13,325 --> 00:23:14,837
- Oliver!
552
00:23:14,861 --> 00:23:16,271
- I didn't start the fight.
553
00:23:16,295 --> 00:23:19,174
- That's right, he
didn't, it wasn't his fault.
554
00:23:19,198 --> 00:23:20,198
It was mine.
555
00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:25,247
- But Mother, - Let
the nice lady talk.
556
00:23:25,271 --> 00:23:26,715
- This couldn't have
happened if I had left
557
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:28,784
this afternoon
the way I planned.
558
00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:30,285
- But we don't
want you to leave.
559
00:23:30,309 --> 00:23:32,755
- Will ya let her talk?
560
00:23:32,779 --> 00:23:35,491
- Darling, I've been here
for more than two weeks,
561
00:23:35,515 --> 00:23:37,426
which is much more
than any mother in law
562
00:23:37,450 --> 00:23:39,495
should visit with her children.
563
00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:43,298
Not only did I start a fight
between those two men,
564
00:23:43,322 --> 00:23:46,635
but you two started
quibbling with each other.
565
00:23:46,659 --> 00:23:50,005
So the best thing I
can do for everyone,
566
00:23:50,029 --> 00:23:51,673
including myself, is to leave
567
00:23:51,697 --> 00:23:55,143
the first thing
tomorrow morning.
568
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:58,280
- Mother, I owe you an apology,
569
00:23:58,304 --> 00:24:01,149
I thought you
were but you're not.
570
00:24:01,173 --> 00:24:02,740
- Thank you Oliver.
571
00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:05,454
- Who is Oliver?
572
00:24:05,478 --> 00:24:07,322
- If you two ladies
will excuse me,
573
00:24:07,346 --> 00:24:08,990
I'll make up the
couch again, and get...
574
00:24:09,014 --> 00:24:10,893
- I'll sleep on the couch.
575
00:24:10,917 --> 00:24:12,127
- What?
576
00:24:12,151 --> 00:24:14,863
- I've kept you two
apart for long enough.
577
00:24:14,887 --> 00:24:16,887
- Thank you, c'mon Lisa.
578
00:24:19,826 --> 00:24:22,604
- Oh, Mother, are you
sure you'll be alright?
579
00:24:22,628 --> 00:24:24,039
- I'll be fine.
580
00:24:24,063 --> 00:24:25,507
- But...
581
00:24:25,531 --> 00:24:26,708
- You heard your mother
now, she said she'd be fine,
582
00:24:26,732 --> 00:24:27,943
c'mon Lisa.
583
00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,045
- For one second,
do you want anything
584
00:24:30,069 --> 00:24:31,480
before you go to sleep?
585
00:24:31,504 --> 00:24:33,081
- No thanks.
586
00:24:33,105 --> 00:24:34,249
- C'mon Lisa.
587
00:24:34,273 --> 00:24:36,652
- Just a minute,
Mother, if you change
588
00:24:36,676 --> 00:24:41,745
your mind about staying...
589
00:24:44,784 --> 00:24:46,962
- He's a nice man,
that whatchamacallit.
590
00:25:25,157 --> 00:25:29,326
This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.
39762
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