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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:21,831 ♪ Green Acres is the place to be 2 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:25,835 ♪ Farm livin' is the life for me 3 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:29,772 ♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide 4 00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:33,943 ♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside 5 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:37,947 ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay 6 00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:42,019 ♪ I get allergic smelling hay 7 00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:45,822 ♪ I just adore a penthouse view 8 00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:50,015 ♪ Darling I love you, but give me Park Avenue 9 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:57,234 ♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air 10 00:00:57,258 --> 00:01:00,203 ♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife 11 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,871 ♪ Goodbye city life 12 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:05,497 ♪ Green Acres we are there 13 00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:25,617 - Lisa, Lisa. 14 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:27,997 - What's the matter? 15 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,367 - Who's the strange man sleeping on the couch? 16 00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,770 - Ooh, that's Oliver. 17 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:34,859 - Oliver who? 18 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:36,995 - My husband. 19 00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:40,546 - What a horrible sight to wake up to in the morning. 20 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:51,154 - I heard what that old Hungarian said. 21 00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:53,823 - That's a fine way to talk about my mother. 22 00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,559 - Yeah, how 'bout the way she talked about me? 23 00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:58,128 - That's different, you're my husband. 24 00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,697 - What's that got to do with it? 25 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,165 - How did you sleep last night? 26 00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:07,003 - Oh, terrible, this couch has more lumps in it than... 27 00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:08,338 - Ooh, seems soft to me, 28 00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:10,006 maybe it's you that is lumpy. 29 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:14,911 - I'm no lumpier than the average American husband. 30 00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,114 - Oh Oliver, it won't be for much longer, 31 00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:20,917 Mother will only be here a few weeks more. 32 00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:22,107 - A few weeks? 33 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,456 Have you ever seen a strong, lumpy man cry? 34 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,293 - Well, if you don't want my mother to visit us, 35 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,562 then why did you invite her? 36 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,531 - I didn't invite her, she barged in here 37 00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:37,134 with 80 pieces of luggage, a house boy, a dog... 38 00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:38,935 - Well it could've been worse, 39 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:43,740 she might have brought my uncle aunt Max with her. 40 00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:46,209 - Your uncle aunt Max? 41 00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:48,645 - The one that works in the circus as a half man 42 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:49,669 and a half woman. 43 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,150 - I don't believe you ever mentioned him, 44 00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,839 or her, or whatever. 45 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,488 - Well, you see what happened was... 46 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,458 - Look, Lisa, I really don't mind your mother being here, 47 00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:04,794 but, why don't we try to rearrange things? 48 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,830 - That's what they tried to do with Aunt Max, you see... 49 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:10,833 - I'm talking about us, why can't you and I go back 50 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,903 to sleeping in the bedroom, and let your mother sleep here. 51 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,472 - Well, Mother would be glad to do that, 52 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:18,775 but she has a thing about sleeping on a public couch. 53 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,567 - A public couch? 54 00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,381 Look, how about the Shady Rest Hotel? 55 00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:27,116 They've got nice rooms, big comfortable beds. 56 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,386 - Mother already suggested that, but I told her 57 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:33,956 that I didn't think that you wanted to move to a hotel. 58 00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,214 - Oh, Timbuktu! 59 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,430 - Where are you going? 60 00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,199 - To shave and get dressed. 61 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:45,835 - Oh you can't, Mother is taking a bath. 62 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,537 - Well I want to get to work. 63 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:51,040 - Well why don't you take a shower? 64 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:55,245 - I can't, she's using the hose to fill up the bath tub. 65 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:58,348 - Well, she only going to be for a minute. 66 00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,016 - But will it be alright if I get my clothes 67 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,150 out of the bedroom? 68 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,452 - Of course. 69 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:03,476 - Thank you. 70 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:11,261 You lay one fang on me and... 71 00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,696 - What's he doing in out bedroom? 72 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,497 - Guarding Mother's jewels. 73 00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,733 - I'm not gonna steal her jewels. 74 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,102 - Well how does he know that? 75 00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:21,971 - He'll just have to take my word for it. 76 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:27,999 - It's alright, Shawn, I'll keep an eye on him. 77 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:31,715 - Where are my clothes? 78 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:33,583 - Mother needed the room for hers. 79 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,287 - What did she do with mine? 80 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:40,257 - Well, she put them away, what do you need? 81 00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:43,293 - I need my slacks, my shirt, my vest. 82 00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,994 - Here you are. 83 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,896 Oh no, no, this is your tuxedo. 84 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,420 - What kind of... 85 00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,923 - Oh, here we are, there. 86 00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:58,275 - This is my good, look at this, my good suit. 87 00:04:58,299 --> 00:04:59,576 - It needs pressing. 88 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,744 - It was pressed. 89 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,345 - Then why is it wrinkled? 90 00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:03,780 - Because your mother... 91 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,249 - Oh, here are your slacks. 92 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:07,651 - And where are my shoes? 93 00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,352 - I think Mother put them in the pocket. 94 00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,589 - For the love of... 95 00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,724 - Isn't that a handy way to put things away? 96 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,259 - No, it's not! 97 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:18,161 - Don't yell, Mother is taking a bath. 98 00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:19,862 - What has that got to do with putting... 99 00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:21,364 - You get dressed, and then we see 100 00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:22,832 what we're going to do today. 101 00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,601 - I know what I'm going to do today, 102 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,603 I'm going to spray the corn. 103 00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:29,406 - Well, that's not going to be very amusing for Mother. 104 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:30,940 - I'm sorry. 105 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,875 - Oh, but darling, my mother has been here for two weeks, 106 00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,911 and she's hardly been out of the house. 107 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,479 - Look, that's not my fault, 108 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:37,980 why don't you take her out and show her 109 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,316 all the sights around here? 110 00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:40,650 - What sights? 111 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,285 - There are a lot of things, 112 00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:43,886 take her up to the museum in Picksley, 113 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:45,888 let her look at the dead frogs. 114 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,491 - Or go over to Ben Miller's, 115 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,275 get him to show her his three legged rooster. 116 00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,030 - Now, why would she want to see a three legged rooster, 117 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,700 when we've got an Aunt Max in the family? 118 00:05:58,124 --> 00:06:00,570 - Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot about uh... 119 00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:03,039 - Oliver, I have a feeling, that if we don't show Mother 120 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,107 a good time, she's going to leave. 121 00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:10,146 When? 122 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:12,215 - That wasn't very nice, after she came all the way 123 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:14,451 from Europe to see us. 124 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,386 - She's seen us, 125 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,755 if she wants she can take another look before she goes. 126 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,390 - Oliver! 127 00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,592 - Lisa, I'll admit, there's very little here 128 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,027 for your mother to do, she'd be better off 129 00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,930 with her friends in Rome, Paris, London. 130 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,533 - But she came here to get to know you better. 131 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:33,536 - Know me, she can't even remember my name! 132 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,560 - Polliver! 133 00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:36,529 - Oliver. 134 00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:39,376 - Well, she was close. 135 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,078 - How do you shut off the hose? 136 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,880 - I'll do it. 137 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,649 - Mother, what would you like to do today? 138 00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:49,252 - Oh, that's up to you and, uh, Escobar. 139 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,587 Oliver! 140 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,222 - Who is he calling? 141 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:56,192 - Mother, is there anything you would like to see? 142 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:57,427 - Like what? 143 00:06:57,451 --> 00:07:01,030 - Well, Mr. Miller has a three legged rooster, 144 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,900 and the museum with the frogs. 145 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,370 - No, thank you, you know darling, 146 00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:09,972 I have been thinking, I have an invitation 147 00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:12,809 from the Duke to go grouse hunting in Scotland. 148 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:15,311 If I left today... - Mother, you cant! 149 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,178 - Can't what? 150 00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:17,380 - Leave today. 151 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,281 - Yes she can. 152 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,616 - No, she can't. 153 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,117 - Look if that's what she wants to do. 154 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,184 - But she doesn't! 155 00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,185 - She said she did! 156 00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,754 - Well, I really don't. 157 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,322 - Will you stay out of this? 158 00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:28,324 - Oliver! 159 00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:29,759 - Who's Oliver? 160 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,128 - Oh for the love of... 161 00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,229 - Breakfast ready soon. 162 00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:35,264 - Oh good Kyoto, I'm starved, 163 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,499 I'll be in as soon as I get dressed. 164 00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,367 - But what about Mother's leaving? 165 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,904 - We can discuss that while she's packing. 166 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,917 - Eggs benedict? 167 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:54,951 - You like? 168 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,320 - Oh, ho, ho, I sure do! 169 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:58,955 - So do dog. 170 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,427 - Eggs Benedict for a... 171 00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,284 - He very fussy eater. 172 00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,833 - Oh, what is that? 173 00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,901 - Breakfast steak, you like? 174 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,036 - Oh, I certainly do! 175 00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,005 - So do Countess, this her breakfast. 176 00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,008 - Well, could you make me some? 177 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,242 - Good morning Kyoto! 178 00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:22,378 - Oh good morning Master Douglas. 179 00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:23,802 - Master Douglas? 180 00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:28,874 - Oh, he your son, in Japan, man who has son, very happy. 181 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,988 - He's not my son. 182 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,357 - Then, you not be happy man in Japan. 183 00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,927 - Look I don't care, look, I'm very hungry, 184 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,896 I'd like to have something to eat. 185 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,899 - I'm very hungry too, is my breakfast ready? 186 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:43,967 - One minute! 187 00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,468 - I ordered it last night, 188 00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:47,971 boy I sure am glad Grandma Countess brought Kyoto. 189 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,105 What a cook! 190 00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,540 - She's not your grand... 191 00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:53,476 - I no be here anymore, Countess and I leaving today. 192 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:54,844 - She can't leave! 193 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,012 - Yes she can! 194 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:56,946 - But why? 195 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,448 - Mr. Douglas throw us out! 196 00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:00,950 - Oh, I didn't. 197 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,552 - How could you do that to such a wonderful woman. 198 00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,853 Do you know what she did? 199 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,922 She sent to New York for a suit for me. 200 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,757 It cost $200. 201 00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:10,259 - 200? Oh, I don't believe it! 202 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,828 - You will when you get the bill. 203 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:13,796 - What!? 204 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:15,732 - She charged it to you! 205 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:16,900 - She had no right to... 206 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,100 - How could you throw out a generous, 207 00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:20,770 kind hearted woman like her? 208 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:23,006 - Look, Eb, she's leaving of her own free will, 209 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,542 she's bored here, there's nothing for her to do. 210 00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:27,744 - That's your fault, you never even took her over to see 211 00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:29,245 Ben Miller's three legged chicken. 212 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,816 - There you are! 213 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:38,009 Eggs, sausage, ham, bacon, country fried potatoes, toast, 214 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,224 - You forgot somthing. 215 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,248 - Oh yeah, hominy glits. 216 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,297 I fix 'em right away. 217 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,500 - Forget the glits, fix me some breakfast! 218 00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:55,471 - Your breakfast in oven, I cook something special. 219 00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:58,007 - Oh, something special. 220 00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,508 - There you are. 221 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,646 - Hot cakes? 222 00:10:03,670 --> 00:10:05,648 - Your wife was saying, you love them, 223 00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:07,584 eat them every morning. 224 00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:11,353 She show me, I cook them just the way she does. 225 00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:13,289 - Just the way she does. 226 00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:16,214 - You like them blooping like that. 227 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,562 - Could I have some ham and eggs? 228 00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:21,397 - Sorry, no more. 229 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,967 - Well, how 'bout that breakfast steak? 230 00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,002 - Last one for Countess. 231 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,704 - Um, eggs benedict? 232 00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,373 - All gone. 233 00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:33,476 - Well, what have you got?! 234 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,177 - Just bloopers. 235 00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:36,813 - He means bloopers. 236 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:41,417 - I don't need you to translate my wife's hot cakes for me! 237 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,086 - Well what do I do with those? 238 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,420 - Get some wire and some solder 239 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,388 and make transistor radios out of them. 240 00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:56,599 - Hi Sam. 241 00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,601 - Oh, hi Joe, how are things at the Shady Rest? 242 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,670 - Ah, boomin' I'm thinking of putting in a ski lift. 243 00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:01,804 - What for? 244 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,673 - To lift skis. 245 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:04,941 - To lift ...? 246 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,308 - What kind of soda pop you got? 247 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,477 - I got lemon, lime, orange, cherry, 248 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,579 raspberry, birch beer, and strawberry. 249 00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:12,214 - I'll take strawberry. 250 00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:13,716 - That'll be 10 cents. 251 00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,885 - 10 cents? Say is it all right if I exchange this 252 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,453 for a bottle of orange? 253 00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,022 - Yeah, go ahead. 254 00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:20,256 That'll be 10 cents. 255 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,991 - How much was the strawberry? 256 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,492 - 10 cents. 257 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,836 - Well, I exchanged that for the orange, so now we're even. 258 00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:27,730 - We're not! 259 00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:28,965 - You got an opener? 260 00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:30,599 - Yeah, but it'll cost you 10 cents to use it. 261 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:31,934 - Isn't that a little steep? 262 00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:33,202 - Look, if you want free soda pop, 263 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,237 you gotta pay for the use of the opener. 264 00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:38,574 Well in that case 265 00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,309 - Joe you ...! 266 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,610 - Here's mud in your eye. 267 00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,245 - You blankety-blank! 268 00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,514 - It's a dang shame, that's what it is. 269 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,183 A dang shame. 270 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,953 - Have a free soda pop, Eb, use my opener. 271 00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:52,555 - They're not free. 272 00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:55,357 - I don't want any anyway, not the way I feel. 273 00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:56,826 - What's a matter? 274 00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:59,228 - Grandma Countess is leaving, that's what's a matter. 275 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,564 - Well I thought she was gonna stay another few weeks. 276 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,265 - Who was gonna stay? 277 00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,934 - Mrs. Douglas' mother. 278 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,703 - Have a bottle of free soda pop Haney. 279 00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,805 - Free? I thought they's a dime? 280 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,407 - Well Sam's got a new policy, the soda pop's free, 281 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:14,310 but he charges you 10 cents for the use of his opener. 282 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,913 - Oh, well then, in that case... 283 00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,349 - Joe, will you stop... 284 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,585 - Why is the Countess leaving? 285 00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:25,421 - Guess Mr. Douglas got tired of her free loading. 286 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,523 Mmm, I think I'll have a lime. 287 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:28,880 - Joe, don't... 288 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,430 - I thought the Countess liked it here. 289 00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:37,066 - She does, but she's bored, there's nothing to do, 290 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,534 nowhere to go. 291 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:40,402 - You mean Mr. Douglas aint took her over to see 292 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,638 Ben Miller's three legged chicken? 293 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,141 - No sir. 294 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:45,975 - This aint cold. 295 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:46,909 - Too bad. 296 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:47,810 - Got any ice? 297 00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:49,145 - In the cooler. 298 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:49,979 - Where's the key? 299 00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:51,781 - In the cooler. 300 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:54,250 Joe, you're driving me out of my mind. 301 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:57,086 - Poor Grandma, nobody ever takes her out, 302 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,955 she just sits there, day after day, 303 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:00,556 like a bump on a log. 304 00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,391 - Maybe that's the reason they don't take her out, 305 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,735 who wants to go out with a woman who looks like a log bump? 306 00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,664 - You've never seen her, she's very attractive. 307 00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:11,033 In fact, she's beautiful, more beautiful 308 00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:12,468 than most wealthy women. 309 00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,336 - Wealthy? - Wealthy? 310 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,073 - Yeah, she's got a big limousine and a villa in Italy, 311 00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,441 and more jewelry than Mrs. Douglas. 312 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,010 - Uh, care to make a rough estimate 313 00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:22,979 on how much the jewelry is worth? 314 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,814 - A million dollars! 315 00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:26,048 - Excuse me gentleman, 316 00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,751 I just thought of an errand I gotta do. 317 00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:30,319 - Haney, if you're thinking of... 318 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:33,589 oh that Haney, the minute he smells money. 319 00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:34,991 - I got an errand I gotta do. 320 00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,492 - What kind of errand? 321 00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:37,726 - An errand of mercy, 322 00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:39,962 oh say, I'll need some sure fire breath mints, 323 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:41,463 a tube of Black's hair slick 'em, 324 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,065 and some Italian after shave lotion, 325 00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,769 put it in a sack and I'll pick it up later. 326 00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,770 - Joe, you outta be ashamed of yourself. 327 00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:49,371 - For doing my civic duty? 328 00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,507 Saving that poor wealthy woman from the clutches 329 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:52,809 of that no-good Haney. 330 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,945 - He's a good man. 331 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,153 - Oliver? 332 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,387 - Hmm? 333 00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:06,923 - Mother has most of her suitcases packed, 334 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:09,325 she needs her trunk, will you please get it out of the barn? 335 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,426 - Sure, I'd be glad to. 336 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,361 - That's what I thought you say. 337 00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:13,729 - What did I say? 338 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,966 - That you are glad that she's leaving. 339 00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:18,767 - I said I'd be glad to get the trunk. 340 00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,770 - It's the same thing, the trunk is for leaving, 341 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,739 and you're glad to get it. 342 00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:26,843 - Oh, for... Lisa, you act as if 343 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,777 I'm throwing your mother out. 344 00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:31,180 - Well, you finally admitted it. 345 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,250 - Your mother is leaving because she hasn't got 346 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:35,684 anything to do. 347 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:36,919 - You could have found her something else 348 00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:38,821 besides a three legged chicken. 349 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,357 - It's your mother's decision, 350 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,382 so let's not argue anymore about it. 351 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,965 Oh, Mr. Haney. 352 00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:53,124 - Mr. Douglas, is her lordship, the Countess anon? 353 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,261 - Anon? 354 00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,841 What are you made up for, this isn't Halloween, is it? 355 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:01,577 - Mr. Douglas, don't you recognize a royal 356 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,413 tea drinking suit when you see one? 357 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:05,915 - No, no I just... 358 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,817 - Would you mind tellin' her royalness that I am here? 359 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:10,319 - Look, she's very busy now. 360 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,388 - It will just take a moment, 361 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:15,724 I just want to present her with this $29 bouquet, 362 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,961 of fresh cut, artificial flowers. 363 00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,364 - $29 for that? 364 00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,900 - Oh, hello there Mr. Haney. 365 00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:25,467 - Mrs. Douglas. 366 00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:28,637 - Don't you look nice in your royal tea drinking suit. 367 00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:32,875 - What are you talking about, there's no such thing. 368 00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:34,343 - Who are those for? 369 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,446 - Oh, you mean this $32 bouquet? 370 00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,681 They're for your charming mother. 371 00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:42,285 - They were $29 two minutes ago. 372 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:45,821 - Well, as they say, time is money. 373 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:49,125 Would you mind trotting out her Countesship? 374 00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:51,227 - Oh mother is just a plain Countess, 375 00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:53,996 she doesn't have a ship on her hand. 376 00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,464 Mother! 377 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,199 - Oh Lisa, I wouldn't disturb her now, that she's... 378 00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,734 - Oh Mother! 379 00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:02,371 - Oh, what a beautiful voice you have for mother calling. 380 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,572 - Oh Mother, there is... 381 00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:04,807 - What's the matter darling? 382 00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:06,375 - Somebody here who want to meet you. 383 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,077 - Oh, oh we've met before. 384 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,600 - No, not me, him. 385 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,681 - You remember Mr. Haney. 386 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,850 - Yes, how do you do? 387 00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:19,021 - May I present you with this $47 bouquet of flowers? 388 00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:23,725 - What happened to that $29 bouquet you came in with? 389 00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:25,828 - Thank you very much. 390 00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:28,965 - My pleasure, Countess, I've heard that you are 391 00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:32,868 unhappy here, because you have nothing to do but wash 392 00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:36,138 your expensive limousine, and polish your jewels, 393 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:39,163 and worry about your villa in Italy. 394 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,610 - Well no, I... 395 00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:45,448 - Madam, I have come to relieve you of your boredom. 396 00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:47,583 - Also your limousine, your jewelry, 397 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:48,851 and your villa in Italy. 398 00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,753 - Oliver. 399 00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:54,156 I think it's very nice of you to look after Mother. 400 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,824 What would you like to drink? 401 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,016 - Champagne would be fine. 402 00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,563 - Champagne, uh, I thought that was your 403 00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,932 royal tea drinking suit? 404 00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:06,469 - Oh, it's a reversible. 405 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,936 - Oliver, would you please tell Kyoto 406 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,306 to put some champagne on the ice? 407 00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,475 - And put these into water. 408 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:15,277 - Water? These are artificial flowers. 409 00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:17,146 - Put them into artificial water. 410 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:24,620 - He's not too bright, is he? 411 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,588 Now as I's about to say, Countess, 412 00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,791 seein' that we're both bachelors, 413 00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:34,096 I thought that perhaps you and I could bach it together. 414 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,631 - I beg your pardon? 415 00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:38,000 - Well, what I meant was, I would like to escort you 416 00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:41,737 to the outstanding social event of the season, 417 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:45,707 the Hooterville Volunteer Fire Department Mardi Gras. 418 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:48,877 - I'd love to go, but I'm leaving today. 419 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,347 - Why not Mother, now you have a reason to stay. 420 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:52,548 - Oh but Lisa... 421 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,749 - Oh she'll be happy to go with you. 422 00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:56,318 - Well, I guess I could stay. 423 00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:57,486 - Huh, stay where? 424 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,510 - Here. 425 00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,090 - She's already packed. 426 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,724 - But Mr. Haney invited Mother to go 427 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,027 to the Fire Department Mardi Gras with him, 428 00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:07,063 isn't that wonderful? 429 00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,487 - Wonderful? When will it be? 430 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,134 - A week from Friday night. 431 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:14,636 - A week from next Friday? 432 00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:15,704 - Isn't that wonderful? 433 00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:18,207 - Will you stop saying that? 434 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,076 - Don't you want her to stay? 435 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,510 - Oh, of course, of course, 436 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,079 but I don't think she'll enjoy it as much 437 00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,880 as the grouse shooting in Scotland. 438 00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:25,948 - Yes she will. 439 00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:26,782 - No she wont. 440 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,317 - I'm sure I will. 441 00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:29,618 - I'm sure you wont. 442 00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,287 - Then it's all settled. 443 00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:33,822 - Oh, by the way Countess, 444 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,691 are you doing anything this evening? 445 00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,526 - No, I am not. 446 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,696 - Good, then I'll be over to watch television with you, 447 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,888 goodbye, or as we say in Italian, arrive-in-your-derci. 448 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,293 - Arrive-in-your-derci? 449 00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:52,130 - Until tonight then. 450 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,646 - Mother come, I'll help you unpack. 451 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,274 - See you later. 452 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:12,027 - Aint that Gene Autry great? 453 00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:14,263 - Which one is she? 454 00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,698 - Uh, no, no Countess, he aint a she, 455 00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,501 he's the feller on the horse. 456 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:22,271 - The one with the gun, that's shoosting the ataches. 457 00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:24,507 - I believe they're Apaches. 458 00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:29,145 - But it's hard to tell with all that paint on their face. 459 00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,313 - Watch this part Countess. 460 00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:36,118 - They're shoosting up the ataches again. 461 00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:39,410 Lisa, Lisa, - What's the matter? 462 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,391 - Set down, I gotta get some sleep. 463 00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:45,161 - Oh I'd love to, but Mr. Haney and Mother are watching it. 464 00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,630 - Oh, Mr. Haney, if it wasn't for him 465 00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:50,098 your mother would've... - My mother what? 466 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,368 - Nevermind, just keep the set down, shut the door 467 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:55,037 and let me go to sleep, I got a big day tomorrow. 468 00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:57,273 - Alright darling, sleep good. 469 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,036 - Aww, who's that? 470 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:16,625 Oh, hello Mr. Carson. 471 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,460 - Evening Mr. Douglas. 472 00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,062 I was on my way to do a little frog scaring, 473 00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,564 I saw the light go out, 474 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,098 I thought maybe you had a short circuit or something. 475 00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,167 - Oh, no, no, no, I turned off the light because... 476 00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:27,336 - Oliver, I told you my... 477 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,405 Oh, hello there Mr. Carson. 478 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,340 - Evening Mrs. Douglas, I just dropped by 479 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,075 to fix your short circuit. 480 00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,010 - We don't have a short circuit. 481 00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:37,112 - If the Countess would like to watch me work at it. 482 00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,515 - I'll ask her; Mother! 483 00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:41,149 - Lisa, you don't have to... 484 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:43,452 - Get me a pair of pliers and some tape. 485 00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,153 - Look, there's nothing wrong with... 486 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:46,177 - Yes, dear? 487 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,091 - Mother, this is Mr. Carson. 488 00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:50,392 - Well how do you do? 489 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,251 - No, not me, him. 490 00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:56,665 - Oh, oh hello Mr. Carson. 491 00:20:56,689 --> 00:21:01,103 - How do you do, always nice to meet a royal head. 492 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:04,473 - Mr. Carson came over to fix our short circus. 493 00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:07,042 - No, no, we don't have a short circus... 494 00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:09,445 uh, but a circuit, circuit. 495 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:10,946 - Yeah, I've done a lot of electric work 496 00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:12,948 for some of the biggest crowns in Europe. 497 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,049 You ever been to Europe? 498 00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:16,518 - I was born in Budapest. 499 00:21:16,542 --> 00:21:18,520 - Oh, well you should come to Europe some time, 500 00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:19,710 you'd love it. 501 00:21:21,147 --> 00:21:22,858 - Look, if you don't mind, I'd like to... 502 00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:25,461 - Oh, I thought you went to get the pliers and the tape? 503 00:21:25,485 --> 00:21:26,662 - No, I told you we... 504 00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,530 - Yeah Countess, I guess I've hob-knobbed 505 00:21:28,554 --> 00:21:30,532 with most of the royal crowns. 506 00:21:30,556 --> 00:21:34,136 You know, I bet you and me got a lot of common friends. 507 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,037 - Wont you sit down? 508 00:21:36,061 --> 00:21:38,307 - Yeah, come on babe. 509 00:21:38,331 --> 00:21:40,509 - Look, Lisa, I want... 510 00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:41,910 - Squatez vous, Countess. 511 00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,200 - Squatez vous? 512 00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:46,548 - Yeah, that's French for sit down. 513 00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:49,918 - You parlez French, Countess? 514 00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:51,253 - Oui. 515 00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:53,689 - Is that all you know? 516 00:21:57,850 --> 00:21:59,395 - Yeah, I guess it does look like rain. 517 00:22:00,586 --> 00:22:01,797 - No, no, no, Mother said that... 518 00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:03,699 - Look, nevermind what Mother said, I'd like to 519 00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:05,534 schloffen on the couchen. 520 00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:06,902 - Oh, Oliver. 521 00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:09,738 - Don't you want to see how the picture... 522 00:22:09,762 --> 00:22:10,972 Joe Carson! 523 00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:12,174 - Haney, what are you doing here? 524 00:22:12,198 --> 00:22:13,809 - Watching TV. 525 00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:15,344 - With my finance? 526 00:22:15,368 --> 00:22:18,146 - Fiance? I just met you! 527 00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:19,682 - The longer you get to know me, 528 00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:22,384 the more you realize what a smart move you've made. 529 00:22:22,408 --> 00:22:25,421 - Hold it, you aint gettin' engaged to her! 530 00:22:25,445 --> 00:22:28,524 I'm planning to plight her in my troth. 531 00:22:28,548 --> 00:22:30,959 - Plight her in your... 532 00:22:30,983 --> 00:22:31,893 - What does that mean? 533 00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:33,429 - I don't know, I just... 534 00:22:33,453 --> 00:22:37,299 - Haney, the Countess requests the presence of your leaving. 535 00:22:37,323 --> 00:22:39,335 - I'll believe that when I hear it 536 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:42,137 from my beloved's own lips. 537 00:22:42,161 --> 00:22:44,139 - She aint your beloved, 538 00:22:44,163 --> 00:22:45,073 and another thing... 539 00:22:45,097 --> 00:22:47,443 - Gentlemen, please don't fight! 540 00:22:47,467 --> 00:22:49,745 - I aint afraid of him, he's got a yellow back 541 00:22:49,769 --> 00:22:51,714 all the way up his street. 542 00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:52,715 - Says you! 543 00:22:52,739 --> 00:22:54,182 - Says me! 544 00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:56,117 - I'll show you who has a... 545 00:22:56,141 --> 00:22:59,120 - Hold it, if you two want to fight, fight outside! 546 00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:01,590 - Nobodies gonna tell us... - Out! 547 00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:03,213 - You big wind bag! 548 00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:06,116 Help me on with it. 549 00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:11,800 - Oliver, stop them, they might hurt each other. 550 00:23:11,824 --> 00:23:13,301 - Those two marshmallows? 551 00:23:13,325 --> 00:23:14,837 - Oliver! 552 00:23:14,861 --> 00:23:16,271 - I didn't start the fight. 553 00:23:16,295 --> 00:23:19,174 - That's right, he didn't, it wasn't his fault. 554 00:23:19,198 --> 00:23:20,198 It was mine. 555 00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:25,247 - But Mother, - Let the nice lady talk. 556 00:23:25,271 --> 00:23:26,715 - This couldn't have happened if I had left 557 00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:28,784 this afternoon the way I planned. 558 00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:30,285 - But we don't want you to leave. 559 00:23:30,309 --> 00:23:32,755 - Will ya let her talk? 560 00:23:32,779 --> 00:23:35,491 - Darling, I've been here for more than two weeks, 561 00:23:35,515 --> 00:23:37,426 which is much more than any mother in law 562 00:23:37,450 --> 00:23:39,495 should visit with her children. 563 00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:43,298 Not only did I start a fight between those two men, 564 00:23:43,322 --> 00:23:46,635 but you two started quibbling with each other. 565 00:23:46,659 --> 00:23:50,005 So the best thing I can do for everyone, 566 00:23:50,029 --> 00:23:51,673 including myself, is to leave 567 00:23:51,697 --> 00:23:55,143 the first thing tomorrow morning. 568 00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:58,280 - Mother, I owe you an apology, 569 00:23:58,304 --> 00:24:01,149 I thought you were but you're not. 570 00:24:01,173 --> 00:24:02,740 - Thank you Oliver. 571 00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:05,454 - Who is Oliver? 572 00:24:05,478 --> 00:24:07,322 - If you two ladies will excuse me, 573 00:24:07,346 --> 00:24:08,990 I'll make up the couch again, and get... 574 00:24:09,014 --> 00:24:10,893 - I'll sleep on the couch. 575 00:24:10,917 --> 00:24:12,127 - What? 576 00:24:12,151 --> 00:24:14,863 - I've kept you two apart for long enough. 577 00:24:14,887 --> 00:24:16,887 - Thank you, c'mon Lisa. 578 00:24:19,826 --> 00:24:22,604 - Oh, Mother, are you sure you'll be alright? 579 00:24:22,628 --> 00:24:24,039 - I'll be fine. 580 00:24:24,063 --> 00:24:25,507 - But... 581 00:24:25,531 --> 00:24:26,708 - You heard your mother now, she said she'd be fine, 582 00:24:26,732 --> 00:24:27,943 c'mon Lisa. 583 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,045 - For one second, do you want anything 584 00:24:30,069 --> 00:24:31,480 before you go to sleep? 585 00:24:31,504 --> 00:24:33,081 - No thanks. 586 00:24:33,105 --> 00:24:34,249 - C'mon Lisa. 587 00:24:34,273 --> 00:24:36,652 - Just a minute, Mother, if you change 588 00:24:36,676 --> 00:24:41,745 your mind about staying... 589 00:24:44,784 --> 00:24:46,962 - He's a nice man, that whatchamacallit. 590 00:25:25,157 --> 00:25:29,326 This has been a Filmways presentation, darling. 39762

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