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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:21,831 ♪ Green Acres is the place to be 2 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:25,702 ♪ Farm living is the life for me 3 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:29,873 ♪ Land spreading out so far and wide 4 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:33,910 ♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside 5 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:38,015 ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay 6 00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:41,951 ♪ I get allergic smelling hay 7 00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:45,955 ♪ I just adore a penthouse view 8 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:50,149 ♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue 9 00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:57,234 ♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air 10 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,569 ♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife 11 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,804 ♪ Goodbye city life 12 00:01:01,828 --> 00:01:05,431 ♪ Green Acres we are there 13 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:26,463 - Is this the place, Kyoto? 14 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,630 - Must be. 15 00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:30,200 I followed directions the man gave us. 16 00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:34,438 - Oh, my daughter would not live in a house like this! 17 00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:36,673 Must be the gatekeeper's quarters. 18 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,709 - A pretty shrubby gatekeeper. 19 00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:43,012 I go ask, see where big house is. 20 00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:46,906 - Come in! 21 00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:49,886 Hello there. 22 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,254 - Hello, lady. 23 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,522 Are you the maid? 24 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:53,790 - No, no, only on Tuesdays. 25 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:56,460 The rest of the week I'm the wife. 26 00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:58,128 - Could you please tell me 27 00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,797 where I can find big house? 28 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,232 - Big house of what? 29 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,967 - The main house. 30 00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,602 The "Dougress" place. 31 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:06,769 - Oh, this is the "Dougress" place. 32 00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,505 I am Mrs. "Dougress". 33 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,339 - Oh. 34 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,108 Your mother's outside. 35 00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:12,775 - Outside of what? 36 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,611 - Out there. 37 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,313 - Oh, Mother is here! 38 00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:17,337 Oh! 39 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,483 Mother! 40 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,839 - Lisa, darling! 41 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,537 - No, no, no! 42 00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:43,328 I said, "You haven't changed a bit." 43 00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:49,979 We have a lot of trouble here with the subtitles. 44 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,481 - Subtitles? 45 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,750 - Yes, that means when you say something in one language 46 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:57,287 and it says underneath you in English. 47 00:02:57,311 --> 00:03:01,413 - I beg your pardon, I bring the bags in the house? 48 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:07,030 - He sure said a mouthful! 49 00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:08,365 - You met Kyoto? 50 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:09,633 - Yes. 51 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:10,567 Oh, Mother, let's go into the house. 52 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,601 We have so much to talk about. 53 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:12,902 - Now, just a moment. 54 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,359 Come along, Sean! 55 00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:28,951 - They're not interested in what the dog says. 56 00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:30,220 - Who are you talking to? 57 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,388 - Oh, come on, darling! 58 00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:33,245 Come, let's go inside. 59 00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:39,229 - Well, this is a charming place. 60 00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:40,197 - What is? 61 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,030 - Oh, your home. 62 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,599 It's very rustic. 63 00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:46,236 It reminds me of that ski lodge in the Bavarian Alps. 64 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,004 Doesn't it, Kyoto? 65 00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,206 - Yes, ma'am. 66 00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:51,630 Right after avalanche hit it. 67 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,678 - Oh, Mother! 68 00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,546 Mother, you should have let me know that you were coming! 69 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,549 - Well, I wanted to surprise you and... 70 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:00,584 What are you doing? 71 00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,185 - Dusting. 72 00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:03,886 - Don't you have a maid to do that? 73 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,088 - Oh, no, no. 74 00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,523 On the farm a wife has to do everything. 75 00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,458 Cleaning, cooking, washing. 76 00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:09,892 - How un-Hungarian! 77 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,228 - Mm-hmm. 78 00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:12,962 - Excuse please. 79 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,964 Where I put the bags? 80 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,234 - Oh, which is your guest bedroom, darling? 81 00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:18,868 - Oh, we don't have a guest bedroom. 82 00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:21,304 But you can put the suitcases in there. 83 00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:22,505 You can sleep with me 84 00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,907 and Oliver can sleep somewhere else tonight. 85 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:25,942 - Who is Oliver? 86 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,176 - My husband. 87 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,046 - Well, I thought his name was Rupert. 88 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,014 - No, no, no, Rupert is the mad scientist 89 00:04:32,038 --> 00:04:35,285 at the Budapest University that wanted to marry me 90 00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:36,853 and put me in a glass jar 91 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:40,290 and worship me for the rest of his life. 92 00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:42,892 - And this fellow you did marry, whatshisname... 93 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,394 Uh, what does he do? 94 00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:45,862 - Oh, he's a farmer. 95 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,497 - What happened to the lawyer you were married to 96 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,331 in New York? 97 00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:50,833 - This is the same one. 98 00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:52,636 - Well, why did you come out here? 99 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:56,072 Couldn't he cut the mustard in the lawyer business? 100 00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,674 - No, he didn't like the city. 101 00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:58,908 - Why not? 102 00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:00,410 - Well, you haven't heard his speech yet. 103 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,445 When he wants to get away from the rats race, 104 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:05,081 and move to the farm, and plant his little seeds 105 00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,284 in the rich, brown earth and water them 106 00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,586 and take care of them and watch them "shoosting" up 107 00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:11,943 towards the sun and the sky. 108 00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:13,856 - Maybe you should have married 109 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,526 that fellow with the glass jar. 110 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,861 - Oh, but I'm very happy with Oliver. 111 00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,218 - Who is Oliver? 112 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,399 - My husband! 113 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:25,424 - Oh, the "shooster" with the seeds. 114 00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:29,606 - Oh, he's a wonderful man and I love him very much. 115 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,608 - When am I going to see him? 116 00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:34,511 - Oh, he'll be here for lunch soon. 117 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,579 - Golly, gilly frogs! 118 00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:38,881 It has a TV set in the back seat and a bar 119 00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:40,717 and a telephone! 120 00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,419 - I wonder who it belongs to. 121 00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,187 - Somebody that likes to watch TV, drink booze, 122 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,289 and talk on the telephone! 123 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:47,979 - I'm sorry I asked. 124 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,533 - Just a second, I'll find out. 125 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:59,703 Uh, Mr. Douglas, are you gonna need any more subtitles? 126 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,103 - What? 127 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,293 - I guess not. 128 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,442 You're welcome. 129 00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:06,798 - Who are you... 130 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:08,668 Oho, Lisa! 131 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,184 - Oliver! 132 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,186 My mother is here! 133 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,088 - She hasn't changed a bit. 134 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:21,524 - Oliver! 135 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:24,828 Come on in, she wants to see you. 136 00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:27,664 It's all right, he's part of the family. 137 00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:28,598 Mother! 138 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:29,899 Mother? Mother! 139 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,100 - What, darling, what is it? 140 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,703 - Oh, Mother, this is my husband. 141 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,904 - Of course! 142 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:38,174 I didn't realize he was so young! 143 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,776 - Oh, no, no, no, no, Mother. 144 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,478 This is my husband. 145 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,269 - I didn't realize he was so old. 146 00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:48,540 - Uh, no, uh... - So you are whatshisname. 147 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:51,020 - Whatshisname? 148 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,590 - Aren't you gonna introduce me to grandma? 149 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:54,791 - Lisa, you never told me that you 150 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:57,048 and who is this have a son! 151 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,097 - He's not our son, he's our hired hand. 152 00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:05,301 - Golly, for one mad moment there I belonged. 153 00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:06,770 - Go get your lunch. 154 00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:07,604 - Yes, sir. 155 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:08,538 See you later, grandma! 156 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,339 - Oh, stop calling her grandma! 157 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,242 - Well, whatchamacallit has a temper! 158 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,012 - Uh, let's get one thing straight. 159 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,080 My name... - Oh, now I remember you! 160 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,550 You are whatshisname. 161 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,819 - Mother has been traveling all over the world. 162 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,588 She came all the way from Italy to see us. 163 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,690 - Oh, that's very nice. 164 00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:28,958 If you're ever in the neighborhood again, 165 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,582 be sure to drop in. 166 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,763 - Oh, no, no, this is not a drop in. 167 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,900 Mother's going to stay with us for a while. 168 00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,837 - Oh, isn't that uh... - For three weeks. 169 00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:41,861 - Ah! 170 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,908 Well, that's even more... 171 00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:48,511 - You see, Mother, I told you he wouldn't mind. 172 00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:51,915 - Wait till the blood rushes back to my head. 173 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,818 Uh, look, Mother, we'd like to have you stay, but... 174 00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,118 - Mr. Douglas! 175 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,754 Guess what I found for lunch? 176 00:07:57,778 --> 00:08:00,812 Caviar, champagne, pate de foie gras. 177 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,092 - Eh, foie... 178 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,261 - Mother brought us a care package. 179 00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,163 - Thanks, grandma! 180 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,098 - Will you stop calling her grandma! 181 00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,500 - Excuse me. 182 00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,334 - Who are you? 183 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,535 - Me Kyoto. 184 00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:14,904 You must be Mr. Whatshisname. 185 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,372 - Douglas. 186 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,908 - No, no, no, "Dougress." 187 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,142 - What? 188 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,745 - That's the only way he can pronounce it. 189 00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:23,947 - Well that's... 190 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,949 - I start to unpack bags, Countess. 191 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,517 - Who's he talking to? 192 00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:29,586 - Mother. She just became a Countess. 193 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:30,610 - Oh? 194 00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,655 How did that happen? 195 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,156 - Well, she bought a villa in Italy 196 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:38,149 with 14 bedrooms and six baths and a Countess-ship. 197 00:08:39,085 --> 00:08:40,096 - No kitchen? 198 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,097 - No, no, if you want a kitchen, 199 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,232 you can't have a Countess-ship 200 00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:44,934 and since mother never goes in the kitchen, 201 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:47,303 she took the Countess-ship. 202 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,905 - That was a wise choice. 203 00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,707 - They had a palace for sale, too. 204 00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,108 If I had bought that, 205 00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,811 I would have become the Queen of Sicily, 206 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:58,147 but it didn't have any bathrooms. 207 00:08:58,171 --> 00:08:59,949 - I think you made the right move. 208 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,919 I always say it's better to be a clean countess 209 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,543 than a dirty queen. 210 00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:07,590 - A dirty queen? 211 00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:09,191 - Who's a dirty queen? 212 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,360 - Your grandmother. 213 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,564 - Holy crown jewels, I'm royalty! 214 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:15,832 - You're not royalty! 215 00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,366 - What country are you the Queen of? 216 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,869 - No, you see, mother was going to buy this palace in Sicily 217 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,338 and then... - The Queen of Sicily? 218 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,040 - Will you go eat your lunch? 219 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,608 - Uh, yes, sir. 220 00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:28,210 Bye, your royal grandmaship. 221 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,333 - Oh, holy... 222 00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:32,481 - Excuse, please. 223 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,551 Me tried to hang up the clothes, 224 00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:35,907 not enough room! 225 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,926 - Well, how shocking. 226 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,360 Lisa, how could you? 227 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,562 - What's the matter? 228 00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:46,930 - One of the closets in your bedroom 229 00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,799 is full of men's clothes, huh? 230 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,201 - Oh, well, that's Oliver's. 231 00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:53,558 - Who is Oliver? 232 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,939 - Whatchamacallit! 233 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:58,074 - Oh, boy, now I got two of them. 234 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,542 Look, if you ladies will excuse me, 235 00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,900 I think I'll get some lunch. 236 00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,549 - Mother, what do you think of him? 237 00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:10,742 - Give him a glass jar and you have another Rupert. 238 00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,829 - I'm sorry, I'm not lending you the key. 239 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,699 The cannon stays chained in the park. 240 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,467 - Then how we gonna salute the queen? 241 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,736 - Who said she was a queen? 242 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:27,670 - Eb. 243 00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:28,938 - Eb! 244 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,573 - Well, he oughter know what she is, 245 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,441 she's his grandmother. 246 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,977 - Now can we have the key for the cannon? 247 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,411 - No! 248 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:38,380 - Sam, don't you realize what it would mean 249 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:40,583 to Hooterville when the world finds out 250 00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:43,352 we've got a queen visiting us? 251 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:46,489 Why the souvenir business alone would bring in a fortune. 252 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,024 - Look, Haney... 253 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:51,661 - We could sell imitation queen crowns, royal crests, 254 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:54,396 hand tinted pictures of the queen, 255 00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:58,034 and even autographed throne seats. 256 00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,401 - Now can we have the key? 257 00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:00,425 - No! 258 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,007 - Sam, it's thinking like yours that has kept Hooterville 259 00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,175 the small town that it is. 260 00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,977 - And it's thinking like yours that is gonna get 261 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:11,147 Hooterville wiped off the map! 262 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,182 - Sam, we were only gonna fire the cannon at her 263 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,684 for an hour or so. 264 00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:16,418 Well, not at her. 265 00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,855 Say, how many cannonballs do you fire for a queen? 266 00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,089 - Twelve. 267 00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,991 - No, I think that's for a duchess. 268 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,526 Or is that a countess? 269 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,795 No, a countess is bigger than a duchess. 270 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,830 - Now, how do you figure that? 271 00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:30,399 - Well, a duchess is a head of a dutch 272 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,201 and a countess is a head of a county 273 00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:34,170 and that's bigger than a dutch. 274 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,571 - Oh, brother. 275 00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,006 - Instead of arguing about it, 276 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,408 why don't we call up the State Department and find out? 277 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,409 Hand me the phone, will you, Sam? 278 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,544 - No, no, just a minute. 279 00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,179 Who's gonna pay for the call? 280 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,981 - Why don't we charge it to Mr. Douglas? 281 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:47,449 It's his mother-in-law. 282 00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:49,485 - Now, look, I agree the town ought to have 283 00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:52,221 some kind of welcome for Mrs. Douglas's mother, 284 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,323 but it should be something simple. 285 00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:56,625 Give her the key to the city, make a few speeches. 286 00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:57,894 - Yeah! 287 00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,361 Why don't we play her national anthem? 288 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,164 What is the national anthem of Sicily? 289 00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,966 - Well, how would I know? 290 00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:06,335 - Oh, well here's um... Whatshisname, heh. 291 00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:07,704 He oughta know. 292 00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:08,871 - Know what? 293 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,974 - The national "anthiem" of Sicily. 294 00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:13,442 - The national "anthiem?" 295 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:16,145 - If you'll hum a few bars, I'll write it down. 296 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,915 - I'm sorry, I don't believe I've ever heard it. 297 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:21,918 - Your mother-in-law is the Queen of Sicily 298 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:25,088 and you don't know her national "anthiem?" 299 00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:26,222 - Queen! 300 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,524 - Yeah, Eb told us all about it. 301 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,127 Well, not all about it, he didn't... 302 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:32,561 Can I have the key to the cannon, Sam? 303 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,830 - No! 304 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,198 Can you imagine? 305 00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,033 They wanna give your mother-in-law a 21 gun salute. 306 00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:40,002 - That comes right after the highness-ship party 307 00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:42,004 that I'm catering for her. 308 00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,472 - What's a highness-ship party? 309 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,241 - Well, that's where all the waiters dress up 310 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:49,433 as kings and queens and it ends up in a polo match. 311 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:55,151 'Course, if you prefer, I can cater her a royal ball. 312 00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:57,319 Now, that's the same as a highness-ship party, 313 00:12:57,343 --> 00:13:01,445 but instead of a polo match, it ends up in a fox hunt. 314 00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:04,660 - Now can I have the key to the cannon, Sam? 315 00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:05,928 - You can have the key to the... 316 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,196 - Look, fellas, it's very nice of you to 317 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,198 want to do something for my mother-in-law, 318 00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,000 but just forget it. 319 00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:11,934 - Are you trying to get us in trouble 320 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,036 with the State Department? 321 00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:16,305 - I don't think they'll mind a bit. 322 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:17,706 - No? 323 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,176 How would it be if the President of the United States 324 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,245 went to Sicily and the queen 325 00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:24,513 didn't throw him a presidentship party? 326 00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,983 - Look, she's not a queen! 327 00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:29,174 She... Forget it! 328 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:34,056 - Well, are you satisfied? 329 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,358 We sure are. 330 00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:38,194 Now can we have the key for the cannon? 331 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,796 - Oh, bring it back! 332 00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:48,637 - That silly Eb, telling everybody that she's a queen. 333 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,007 - Well, she would have been if she bought the palace. 334 00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:54,610 - She's nothing but a no kitchen Countess. 335 00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,813 - Even so, I don't see why you wouldn't let them 336 00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,337 give Mother the 21 gun salute! 337 00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:01,818 - She's not entitled to it. 338 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,953 - Well, she should have some kind of a party. 339 00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,155 - How about if we give her a farewell party 340 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,246 when she leaves tomorrow? 341 00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:10,459 - What? 342 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,461 She just got here today! 343 00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:15,097 - Oh, yeah, well, I don't think it would be right 344 00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:17,366 to give her a farewell party today. 345 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,830 - No! - No. 346 00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:26,209 Would you mind telling me what's going on here? 347 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:27,109 - Oh, Mr. "Dougress!" 348 00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:28,377 - Uh-huh. 349 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,745 - Kyoto's teaching me karate lessons. 350 00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,314 - Look, I'm not paying you to take... 351 00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:32,614 - Uh, watch. 352 00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:35,473 I'll split that with my bare hand. 353 00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,757 Hear that snap? 354 00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,159 - It didn't break. 355 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,460 - Oh! 356 00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:47,029 It must have been my hand. 357 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,365 - Next time use your head. 358 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,501 - Miss, what do you want me to cook for dinner? 359 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,436 - Whatever Mr. Douglas wants. 360 00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:55,271 - It's "Dougress." 361 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,739 "Dougress," I mean... 362 00:14:56,763 --> 00:15:00,009 Uh, look, a steak and maybe some french fries, huh? 363 00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,511 - The Countess doesn't like steak. 364 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,035 She like raw fish. 365 00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:07,884 If you like, I cook you some. 366 00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,651 - You don't cook raw fish. 367 00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:11,687 - Then how do you get it raw? 368 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:12,777 - Well, uh... 369 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:16,759 - Oliver, Oliver! 370 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:17,626 - Look, uh, later. 371 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,029 I wanna take a nap. 372 00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,265 What are all my clothes doing on the bed? 373 00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:23,799 - I gave your closet to Mother. 374 00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:26,269 - Yes, would you mind getting them off of there? 375 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,604 I want to take my nap. 376 00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:30,072 - I'm going to take the nap. 377 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,974 - Not in my room. 378 00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:33,009 - Your room? 379 00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,279 - Yes, I gave Mother this room. 380 00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:38,480 - And where are we going to sleep? 381 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,249 - Well, I want to sleep here with Mother 382 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,785 and you can sleep in the other room on the sofa. 383 00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:44,020 - Mm-hmm. 384 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:46,622 The same arrangement we had on our honeymoon. 385 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,124 - Oh! 386 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:51,294 Are you the fellow that went on the honeymoon with us? 387 00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:54,297 - Lisa, could I talk to you privately? 388 00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:55,601 Lisa, if your mother wants to... 389 00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:58,357 Now what? 390 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,394 Oh, come in! 391 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:05,774 Hi. 392 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:06,608 - Hello, Mr. Douglas. 393 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:07,443 - Oh, hello there! 394 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,511 Hello there, Mr. Ziffel! 395 00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,613 Ooh, hello, Arnold! 396 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,052 - We have come over to pay our respects 397 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,520 to the Queen of Italy. 398 00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:19,888 - Sicily. 399 00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,824 And she's not the queen. 400 00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:24,693 - Well, then why are they giving her the highness-ship party 401 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,662 with the fox hunt? 402 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:29,932 - No, no, no, the fox hunt goes with the royal ball 403 00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:31,434 and the polo goes with the... 404 00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,869 - No, there's not going to be any party. 405 00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,005 - Well, anyhow, Arnold never met any royalties, 406 00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,174 so he brought a bouquet of flowers. 407 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:41,967 Ah, Arnold! 408 00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:46,182 What did you wanna eat the flowers for? 409 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,450 - Lisa, darling, I... 410 00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:50,019 - Oh, oh, Mother, I want you to meet Mr. Ziffel. 411 00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:51,620 - Oh, how do you do? 412 00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:53,222 - Your highness-ship. 413 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,080 - Oh! 414 00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:58,160 - Oh, here, here, let me help you. 415 00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:03,065 - And this is Mr. Ziffel's son, Arnold. 416 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,504 - He brought you over a stomach full of flowers. 417 00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,507 - Arnold, uh, would like to 418 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,477 take you all out to dinner tonight. 419 00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,278 - Oh, that would be lovely! 420 00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,981 - I'm not going out to dinner with a pig. 421 00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:22,051 - Well, if he don't object, why should you? 422 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,886 - Maybe you ladies would like to join us 423 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,688 and leave whatshisname home. 424 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,257 - That's a good idea. 425 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,758 Yeah, why don't you all go out to dinner 426 00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,694 and leave me here to enjoy the peace and the quiet. 427 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:45,074 - Oliver, it's very sweet of you to sleep out here. 428 00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:47,109 - Stupid is a better word. 429 00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:49,011 - Well, look at it on the bright side, 430 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:51,447 Mother will only be here for three more weeks. 431 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,615 - I am not going to... - Shh, shh! 432 00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,051 You'll wake up Mother. 433 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,885 - Oh, wouldn't that be terrible? 434 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,720 - Well, goodnight, darling. 435 00:17:58,744 --> 00:17:59,744 Sleep well. 436 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,922 Lisa! 437 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,260 - What's the matter? 438 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:18,941 - Get him off! 439 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,342 - Oh, well, come on, Sean! 440 00:18:20,366 --> 00:18:21,366 Come on, darling, now. 441 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:25,714 That's a good boy. 442 00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,349 You're going to sleep here tonight. 443 00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:28,917 Goodnight, sweetheart! 444 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:29,941 - Goodnight. 445 00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:45,823 How did you get... 446 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,228 Coming! 447 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,149 Oh, Mr. Haney, well, what are you uh... 448 00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:02,684 - Good morning, Mr. Douglas! 449 00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:05,020 Happy ceremonial day! 450 00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:06,255 - Ceremonial day? 451 00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,657 - Is her queenship awake yet? 452 00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,159 - Oh, look, Mr. Haney... 453 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:11,627 - Who is it, Oliver? 454 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,061 - It's Mr. Haney and he... 455 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,730 - Good morning, Mr. Haney. 456 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:18,200 - Is your royal mother about and stirring? 457 00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:19,468 - Mm-hmm, yes. 458 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:22,671 - Good, then we can start the ceremony. 459 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:24,106 - What ceremony? 460 00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:26,041 - Well, the welcoming committee is gonna give her 461 00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,976 the keys to the city, 462 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,814 after which the whole town will take part in a royal frolic. 463 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,183 - Oh! 464 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:37,653 Mother, they're here to frolic you! 465 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:38,987 - Lisa, don't! 466 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,723 - This is a great day for Hooterville, 467 00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:44,527 having the Queen of Sicily in our midst. 468 00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:46,629 - She's not a queen! 469 00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:49,655 What's that? 470 00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:54,970 What do you think you're doing here? 471 00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,172 What's... 472 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:57,439 - We're giving the queen a royal salute. 473 00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:59,441 - Oh, now will you, hey! 474 00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:00,465 What? 475 00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:05,437 - Fire! 476 00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,140 Okay, reload. 477 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,055 - Hey, don't put another... 478 00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:17,059 - Mr. Douglas, now, we have got to give her majesty 479 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:18,583 her 21 gun salute. 480 00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,096 - Since we don't have 21 guns, 481 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,498 it took a little figurin' out. 482 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,032 - Yeah, all we could find was one cannon 483 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,501 and three cannonballs. 484 00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:29,594 - So what we gonna do is three-ball her seven times. 485 00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,708 - Three ball... - Fire! 486 00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,647 Okay, reload. 487 00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,416 - We gotta go pick up the cannonballs, first. 488 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,651 - No, no don't bother to pick up the... 489 00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:43,752 Hey! 490 00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:46,388 - Mr. Haney, this is my mother. 491 00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,011 - Your "Highnesty." 492 00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:52,127 On behalf of the citizens of Hooterville, 493 00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:53,862 I bid you welcome 494 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:58,834 and present you with this solid gold wooden key to the city. 495 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,336 - Hold it! 496 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,438 Haney, you said you'd wait for us for the ceremony. 497 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:03,905 - Oh, I forgot. 498 00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:07,343 I sold the television rights to the Pixley TV station 499 00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,367 for $12. 500 00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,113 - For 12... 501 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,314 - Excuse me, would you mind stepping aside, buddy? 502 00:21:12,338 --> 00:21:13,415 We wanna get a shot of the queen. 503 00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:16,719 - Oh, Mother, you'll be on TV. 504 00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:20,289 - And they canceled The Smothers Brothers. 505 00:21:20,313 --> 00:21:21,757 - Have you got some kind of a royal crown 506 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,592 you could wear? 507 00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:24,826 - Eh, no, I'm sorry. 508 00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:27,162 - You don't have a royal crown? 509 00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:29,998 I'll be glad to rent you this. 510 00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:31,333 Oh! 511 00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,068 Thank you so much. 512 00:21:33,092 --> 00:21:34,592 - That'll be $700. 513 00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,973 - 700... - I found this out back. 514 00:21:37,997 --> 00:21:39,341 Boy, what a shot. 515 00:21:39,365 --> 00:21:42,144 Went right through the side of your barn. 516 00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:43,111 - What? 517 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,346 - Excuse me. 518 00:21:44,370 --> 00:21:45,614 - Kimball, if you fire... 519 00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:47,215 - Mac, would you mind stepping aside, please? 520 00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:49,618 You're casting a shadow. 521 00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,186 - I don't give a... 522 00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:54,423 - Next, I want you to get a full shot of the hovel. 523 00:21:54,447 --> 00:21:55,457 - What hovel? 524 00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:56,481 - Our house. 525 00:21:57,950 --> 00:21:59,895 - Now, here's what we want you to do, Your Majesty. 526 00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:02,331 We're gonna give you a couple of bags of groceries 527 00:22:02,355 --> 00:22:04,032 and we want you to take them into the hovel 528 00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:07,303 like you're giving them to the poor people that live there. 529 00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:08,637 - What poor people? 530 00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,494 - Us. We own the hovel. 531 00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,442 - Stop calling it a hovel! 532 00:22:13,466 --> 00:22:15,877 - Next, I wanna get a shot of you coming out of the hovel 533 00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:17,946 and have this dirty faced little kid come out 534 00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:21,016 and thank you and you give him a kiss. 535 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,685 You got a dirty faced little kid around? 536 00:22:22,709 --> 00:22:26,087 - No, we don't have a... - How 'bout me? 537 00:22:26,111 --> 00:22:27,289 - Yeah, fine. 538 00:22:27,313 --> 00:22:29,325 Only you have to play it on your knees. 539 00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:30,559 - Golly! 540 00:22:30,583 --> 00:22:32,060 I'm gonna be on TV with the queen! 541 00:22:32,084 --> 00:22:33,562 Uh, would you give this to Mr. Kimball? 542 00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:34,730 Ooh! 543 00:22:34,754 --> 00:22:36,019 Oh, you dimwit! 544 00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,767 Look, I want everybody out of here! 545 00:22:38,791 --> 00:22:39,735 - Oh, but Oliver! 546 00:22:39,759 --> 00:22:41,325 - Out, out! - Oliver! 547 00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:44,496 Oliver! 548 00:23:10,456 --> 00:23:11,456 Oliver! 549 00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:18,974 - How long are they gonna keep shooting that stupid... 550 00:23:18,998 --> 00:23:22,711 - Well, that was number 19, they only have two more to go. 551 00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:24,546 - What did you bring all that out here for? 552 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,814 - Well, if you're going to sleep out here, 553 00:23:25,838 --> 00:23:27,850 I'm going to sleep out here with you. 554 00:23:27,874 --> 00:23:29,585 - Oh, what about your mother? 555 00:23:29,609 --> 00:23:32,187 - She doesn't want to sleep out here. 556 00:23:32,211 --> 00:23:33,188 - Well, that's something. 557 00:23:33,212 --> 00:23:34,656 Here. 558 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,393 I'm about fed up with that cannon shooting, 559 00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:41,697 the TV cameraman, that Haney fawning all over that 560 00:23:41,721 --> 00:23:44,054 phony queen mother of yours! 561 00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:46,668 - Oh, Oliver. 562 00:23:46,692 --> 00:23:49,304 I didn't come out here to fight with you. 563 00:23:49,328 --> 00:23:50,906 - What did you come out here for? 564 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:53,041 - Well, a wife's place is next to her husband, 565 00:23:53,065 --> 00:23:55,811 no matter how cold his feet are. 566 00:23:55,835 --> 00:23:57,846 - My feet aren't cold. 567 00:23:58,838 --> 00:24:00,771 - Oh, if they don't stop! 568 00:24:01,908 --> 00:24:04,909 - Well, there is only one more to go. 569 00:24:06,712 --> 00:24:09,858 Isn't this better than sleeping in the hovel? 570 00:24:09,882 --> 00:24:11,527 - Yeah, better. 571 00:24:11,551 --> 00:24:13,429 - Then, what do you want to do, 572 00:24:13,453 --> 00:24:16,264 discuss politics or play cards 573 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,467 or give me a kiss? 574 00:24:18,491 --> 00:24:20,591 - Have you got the cards? 575 00:24:22,061 --> 00:24:24,540 - I guess Mother was wrong about all the nice things 576 00:24:24,564 --> 00:24:26,442 she said about you. 577 00:24:26,466 --> 00:24:27,609 - Oh? 578 00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:29,077 What'd she say? 579 00:24:29,101 --> 00:24:32,448 - She said, "I think whatshisname is very sweet." 580 00:24:32,472 --> 00:24:34,483 I think that deserves a kiss. 581 00:24:34,507 --> 00:24:36,518 - It certainly does. 582 00:24:36,542 --> 00:24:37,953 - Where are you going? 583 00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:39,488 - To kiss your mother, she's the one that said it. 584 00:24:39,512 --> 00:24:40,689 - Oliver! 585 00:24:40,713 --> 00:24:42,558 - Oh, I'm just gonna close the door. 586 00:24:43,449 --> 00:24:44,259 - Oh! 587 00:24:44,283 --> 00:24:45,093 Ah! 588 00:24:45,117 --> 00:24:46,117 - Ooh! 589 00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:48,997 - Well, that's the last one. 590 00:24:49,021 --> 00:24:53,190 I certainly hope so. 591 00:25:28,961 --> 00:25:33,130 This has been a Filmways presentation, darling. 38261

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