Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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♪ Green Acres is the place to be
2
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:25,702
♪ Farm living is the life for me
3
00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:29,873
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
4
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:33,910
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside
5
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:38,015
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
6
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:41,951
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
7
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:45,955
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
8
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:50,149
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
9
00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:57,234
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
10
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,569
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
11
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,804
♪ Goodbye city life
12
00:01:01,828 --> 00:01:05,431
♪ Green Acres we are there
13
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- Is this the place, Kyoto?
14
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,630
- Must be.
15
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:30,200
I followed directions
the man gave us.
16
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:34,438
- Oh, my daughter would
not live in a house like this!
17
00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:36,673
Must be the
gatekeeper's quarters.
18
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,709
- A pretty shrubby gatekeeper.
19
00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:43,012
I go ask, see
where big house is.
20
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:46,906
- Come in!
21
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:49,886
Hello there.
22
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,254
- Hello, lady.
23
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,522
Are you the maid?
24
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:53,790
- No, no, only on Tuesdays.
25
00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:56,460
The rest of the
week I'm the wife.
26
00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:58,128
- Could you please tell me
27
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,797
where I can find big house?
28
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,232
- Big house of what?
29
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,967
- The main house.
30
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,602
The "Dougress" place.
31
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:06,769
- Oh, this is the
"Dougress" place.
32
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,505
I am Mrs. "Dougress".
33
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,339
- Oh.
34
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,108
Your mother's outside.
35
00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:12,775
- Outside of what?
36
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,611
- Out there.
37
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,313
- Oh, Mother is here!
38
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:17,337
Oh!
39
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,483
Mother!
40
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,839
- Lisa, darling!
41
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,537
- No, no, no!
42
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:43,328
I said, "You haven't
changed a bit."
43
00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:49,979
We have a lot of trouble
here with the subtitles.
44
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,481
- Subtitles?
45
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,750
- Yes, that means when you
say something in one language
46
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:57,287
and it says underneath
you in English.
47
00:02:57,311 --> 00:03:01,413
- I beg your pardon, I
bring the bags in the house?
48
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:07,030
- He sure said a mouthful!
49
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:08,365
- You met Kyoto?
50
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:09,633
- Yes.
51
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:10,567
Oh, Mother, let's
go into the house.
52
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,601
We have so much to talk about.
53
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:12,902
- Now, just a moment.
54
00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,359
Come along, Sean!
55
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:28,951
- They're not interested
in what the dog says.
56
00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:30,220
- Who are you talking to?
57
00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,388
- Oh, come on, darling!
58
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:33,245
Come, let's go inside.
59
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:39,229
- Well, this is a
charming place.
60
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:40,197
- What is?
61
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,030
- Oh, your home.
62
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,599
It's very rustic.
63
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:46,236
It reminds me of that ski
lodge in the Bavarian Alps.
64
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,004
Doesn't it, Kyoto?
65
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,206
- Yes, ma'am.
66
00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:51,630
Right after avalanche hit it.
67
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,678
- Oh, Mother!
68
00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,546
Mother, you should have let
me know that you were coming!
69
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,549
- Well, I wanted to
surprise you and...
70
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:00,584
What are you doing?
71
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,185
- Dusting.
72
00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:03,886
- Don't you have
a maid to do that?
73
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,088
- Oh, no, no.
74
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,523
On the farm a wife
has to do everything.
75
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,458
Cleaning, cooking, washing.
76
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:09,892
- How un-Hungarian!
77
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,228
- Mm-hmm.
78
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:12,962
- Excuse please.
79
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,964
Where I put the bags?
80
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,234
- Oh, which is your
guest bedroom, darling?
81
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:18,868
- Oh, we don't have
a guest bedroom.
82
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:21,304
But you can put the
suitcases in there.
83
00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:22,505
You can sleep with me
84
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,907
and Oliver can sleep
somewhere else tonight.
85
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:25,942
- Who is Oliver?
86
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,176
- My husband.
87
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,046
- Well, I thought his
name was Rupert.
88
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,014
- No, no, no, Rupert
is the mad scientist
89
00:04:32,038 --> 00:04:35,285
at the Budapest University
that wanted to marry me
90
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:36,853
and put me in a glass jar
91
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:40,290
and worship me
for the rest of his life.
92
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:42,892
- And this fellow you did
marry, whatshisname...
93
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,394
Uh, what does he do?
94
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:45,862
- Oh, he's a farmer.
95
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,497
- What happened to the
lawyer you were married to
96
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,331
in New York?
97
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:50,833
- This is the same one.
98
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:52,636
- Well, why did
you come out here?
99
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:56,072
Couldn't he cut the mustard
in the lawyer business?
100
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,674
- No, he didn't like the city.
101
00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:58,908
- Why not?
102
00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:00,410
- Well, you haven't
heard his speech yet.
103
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,445
When he wants to get
away from the rats race,
104
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:05,081
and move to the farm,
and plant his little seeds
105
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,284
in the rich, brown
earth and water them
106
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,586
and take care of them and
watch them "shoosting" up
107
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:11,943
towards the sun and the sky.
108
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:13,856
- Maybe you should have married
109
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,526
that fellow with the glass jar.
110
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,861
- Oh, but I'm very
happy with Oliver.
111
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,218
- Who is Oliver?
112
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,399
- My husband!
113
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:25,424
- Oh, the "shooster"
with the seeds.
114
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:29,606
- Oh, he's a wonderful man
and I love him very much.
115
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,608
- When am I going to see him?
116
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:34,511
- Oh, he'll be here
for lunch soon.
117
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,579
- Golly, gilly frogs!
118
00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:38,881
It has a TV set in the
back seat and a bar
119
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:40,717
and a telephone!
120
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,419
- I wonder who it belongs to.
121
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,187
- Somebody that likes
to watch TV, drink booze,
122
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,289
and talk on the telephone!
123
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:47,979
- I'm sorry I asked.
124
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,533
- Just a second, I'll find out.
125
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:59,703
Uh, Mr. Douglas, are you
gonna need any more subtitles?
126
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,103
- What?
127
00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,293
- I guess not.
128
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,442
You're welcome.
129
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:06,798
- Who are you...
130
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:08,668
Oho, Lisa!
131
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,184
- Oliver!
132
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,186
My mother is here!
133
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,088
- She hasn't changed a bit.
134
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:21,524
- Oliver!
135
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:24,828
Come on in, she
wants to see you.
136
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:27,664
It's all right, he's
part of the family.
137
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:28,598
Mother!
138
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:29,899
Mother? Mother!
139
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,100
- What, darling, what is it?
140
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,703
- Oh, Mother, this
is my husband.
141
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,904
- Of course!
142
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:38,174
I didn't realize
he was so young!
143
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,776
- Oh, no, no, no, no, Mother.
144
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,478
This is my husband.
145
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,269
- I didn't realize
he was so old.
146
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:48,540
- Uh, no, uh...
- So you are whatshisname.
147
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:51,020
- Whatshisname?
148
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,590
- Aren't you gonna
introduce me to grandma?
149
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:54,791
- Lisa, you never
told me that you
150
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:57,048
and who is this have a son!
151
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,097
- He's not our son,
he's our hired hand.
152
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:05,301
- Golly, for one mad
moment there I belonged.
153
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:06,770
- Go get your lunch.
154
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:07,604
- Yes, sir.
155
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:08,538
See you later, grandma!
156
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,339
- Oh, stop calling her grandma!
157
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,242
- Well, whatchamacallit
has a temper!
158
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,012
- Uh, let's get
one thing straight.
159
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,080
My name...
- Oh, now I remember you!
160
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,550
You are whatshisname.
161
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,819
- Mother has been
traveling all over the world.
162
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,588
She came all the way
from Italy to see us.
163
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,690
- Oh, that's very nice.
164
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:28,958
If you're ever in the
neighborhood again,
165
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,582
be sure to drop in.
166
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,763
- Oh, no, no, this
is not a drop in.
167
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,900
Mother's going to
stay with us for a while.
168
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,837
- Oh, isn't that uh...
- For three weeks.
169
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:41,861
- Ah!
170
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,908
Well, that's even more...
171
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:48,511
- You see, Mother, I
told you he wouldn't mind.
172
00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:51,915
- Wait till the blood
rushes back to my head.
173
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,818
Uh, look, Mother, we'd
like to have you stay, but...
174
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,118
- Mr. Douglas!
175
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,754
Guess what I found for lunch?
176
00:07:57,778 --> 00:08:00,812
Caviar, champagne,
pate de foie gras.
177
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,092
- Eh, foie...
178
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,261
- Mother brought
us a care package.
179
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,163
- Thanks, grandma!
180
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,098
- Will you stop
calling her grandma!
181
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,500
- Excuse me.
182
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,334
- Who are you?
183
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,535
- Me Kyoto.
184
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:14,904
You must be Mr. Whatshisname.
185
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,372
- Douglas.
186
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,908
- No, no, no, "Dougress."
187
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,142
- What?
188
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,745
- That's the only way
he can pronounce it.
189
00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:23,947
- Well that's...
190
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,949
- I start to unpack
bags, Countess.
191
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,517
- Who's he talking to?
192
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:29,586
- Mother. She just
became a Countess.
193
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:30,610
- Oh?
194
00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,655
How did that happen?
195
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,156
- Well, she bought
a villa in Italy
196
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:38,149
with 14 bedrooms and six
baths and a Countess-ship.
197
00:08:39,085 --> 00:08:40,096
- No kitchen?
198
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,097
- No, no, if you want a kitchen,
199
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,232
you can't have a Countess-ship
200
00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:44,934
and since mother
never goes in the kitchen,
201
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:47,303
she took the Countess-ship.
202
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,905
- That was a wise choice.
203
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,707
- They had a
palace for sale, too.
204
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,108
If I had bought that,
205
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,811
I would have become
the Queen of Sicily,
206
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:58,147
but it didn't have
any bathrooms.
207
00:08:58,171 --> 00:08:59,949
- I think you made
the right move.
208
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,919
I always say it's better
to be a clean countess
209
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,543
than a dirty queen.
210
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:07,590
- A dirty queen?
211
00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:09,191
- Who's a dirty queen?
212
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,360
- Your grandmother.
213
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,564
- Holy crown
jewels, I'm royalty!
214
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:15,832
- You're not royalty!
215
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,366
- What country are
you the Queen of?
216
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,869
- No, you see, mother was
going to buy this palace in Sicily
217
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,338
and then...
- The Queen of Sicily?
218
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,040
- Will you go eat your lunch?
219
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,608
- Uh, yes, sir.
220
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:28,210
Bye, your royal grandmaship.
221
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,333
- Oh, holy...
222
00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:32,481
- Excuse, please.
223
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,551
Me tried to hang up the clothes,
224
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:35,907
not enough room!
225
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,926
- Well, how shocking.
226
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,360
Lisa, how could you?
227
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,562
- What's the matter?
228
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:46,930
- One of the closets
in your bedroom
229
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,799
is full of men's clothes, huh?
230
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,201
- Oh, well, that's Oliver's.
231
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:53,558
- Who is Oliver?
232
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,939
- Whatchamacallit!
233
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:58,074
- Oh, boy, now I
got two of them.
234
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,542
Look, if you ladies
will excuse me,
235
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:01,900
I think I'll get some lunch.
236
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,549
- Mother, what do
you think of him?
237
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:10,742
- Give him a glass jar and
you have another Rupert.
238
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,829
- I'm sorry, I'm not
lending you the key.
239
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,699
The cannon stays
chained in the park.
240
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,467
- Then how we gonna
salute the queen?
241
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,736
- Who said she was a queen?
242
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:27,670
- Eb.
243
00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:28,938
- Eb!
244
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,573
- Well, he oughter
know what she is,
245
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,441
she's his grandmother.
246
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,977
- Now can we have
the key for the cannon?
247
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,411
- No!
248
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:38,380
- Sam, don't you realize
what it would mean
249
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:40,583
to Hooterville when
the world finds out
250
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:43,352
we've got a queen visiting us?
251
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:46,489
Why the souvenir business
alone would bring in a fortune.
252
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,024
- Look, Haney...
253
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:51,661
- We could sell imitation
queen crowns, royal crests,
254
00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:54,396
hand tinted pictures
of the queen,
255
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:58,034
and even autographed
throne seats.
256
00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,401
- Now can we have the key?
257
00:10:59,425 --> 00:11:00,425
- No!
258
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,007
- Sam, it's thinking like
yours that has kept Hooterville
259
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,175
the small town that it is.
260
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,977
- And it's thinking like
yours that is gonna get
261
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:11,147
Hooterville wiped off the map!
262
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,182
- Sam, we were only
gonna fire the cannon at her
263
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,684
for an hour or so.
264
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:16,418
Well, not at her.
265
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,855
Say, how many cannonballs
do you fire for a queen?
266
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,089
- Twelve.
267
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,991
- No, I think that's
for a duchess.
268
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,526
Or is that a countess?
269
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,795
No, a countess is
bigger than a duchess.
270
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,830
- Now, how do you figure that?
271
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:30,399
- Well, a duchess
is a head of a dutch
272
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,201
and a countess is
a head of a county
273
00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:34,170
and that's bigger than a dutch.
274
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,571
- Oh, brother.
275
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,006
- Instead of arguing about it,
276
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,408
why don't we call up the
State Department and find out?
277
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,409
Hand me the
phone, will you, Sam?
278
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,544
- No, no, just a minute.
279
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,179
Who's gonna pay for the call?
280
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,981
- Why don't we charge
it to Mr. Douglas?
281
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:47,449
It's his mother-in-law.
282
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:49,485
- Now, look, I agree
the town ought to have
283
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:52,221
some kind of welcome
for Mrs. Douglas's mother,
284
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,323
but it should be
something simple.
285
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:56,625
Give her the key to the
city, make a few speeches.
286
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:57,894
- Yeah!
287
00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,361
Why don't we play
her national anthem?
288
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,164
What is the national
anthem of Sicily?
289
00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,966
- Well, how would I know?
290
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:06,335
- Oh, well here's um...
Whatshisname, heh.
291
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:07,704
He oughta know.
292
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:08,871
- Know what?
293
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,974
- The national
"anthiem" of Sicily.
294
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:13,442
- The national "anthiem?"
295
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:16,145
- If you'll hum a few
bars, I'll write it down.
296
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,915
- I'm sorry, I don't
believe I've ever heard it.
297
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:21,918
- Your mother-in-law
is the Queen of Sicily
298
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:25,088
and you don't know
her national "anthiem?"
299
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:26,222
- Queen!
300
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,524
- Yeah, Eb told us all about it.
301
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,127
Well, not all
about it, he didn't...
302
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:32,561
Can I have the key
to the cannon, Sam?
303
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,830
- No!
304
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,198
Can you imagine?
305
00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,033
They wanna give your
mother-in-law a 21 gun salute.
306
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:40,002
- That comes right after
the highness-ship party
307
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:42,004
that I'm catering for her.
308
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,472
- What's a highness-ship party?
309
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,241
- Well, that's where
all the waiters dress up
310
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:49,433
as kings and queens and
it ends up in a polo match.
311
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:55,151
'Course, if you prefer, I
can cater her a royal ball.
312
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:57,319
Now, that's the same
as a highness-ship party,
313
00:12:57,343 --> 00:13:01,445
but instead of a polo match,
it ends up in a fox hunt.
314
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:04,660
- Now can I have the
key to the cannon, Sam?
315
00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:05,928
- You can have the key to the...
316
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,196
- Look, fellas, it's
very nice of you to
317
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,198
want to do something
for my mother-in-law,
318
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,000
but just forget it.
319
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:11,934
- Are you trying
to get us in trouble
320
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,036
with the State Department?
321
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:16,305
- I don't think
they'll mind a bit.
322
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:17,706
- No?
323
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,176
How would it be if the
President of the United States
324
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,245
went to Sicily and the queen
325
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:24,513
didn't throw him a
presidentship party?
326
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,983
- Look, she's not a queen!
327
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:29,174
She... Forget it!
328
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:34,056
- Well, are you satisfied?
329
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,358
We sure are.
330
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:38,194
Now can we have
the key for the cannon?
331
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,796
- Oh, bring it back!
332
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:48,637
- That silly Eb, telling
everybody that she's a queen.
333
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,007
- Well, she would have
been if she bought the palace.
334
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:54,610
- She's nothing but a
no kitchen Countess.
335
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,813
- Even so, I don't see
why you wouldn't let them
336
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,337
give Mother the 21 gun salute!
337
00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:01,818
- She's not entitled to it.
338
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,953
- Well, she should have
some kind of a party.
339
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,155
- How about if we
give her a farewell party
340
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,246
when she leaves tomorrow?
341
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:10,459
- What?
342
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,461
She just got here today!
343
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:15,097
- Oh, yeah, well, I don't
think it would be right
344
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:17,366
to give her a
farewell party today.
345
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,830
- No!
- No.
346
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:26,209
Would you mind telling
me what's going on here?
347
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:27,109
- Oh, Mr. "Dougress!"
348
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:28,377
- Uh-huh.
349
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,745
- Kyoto's teaching
me karate lessons.
350
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,314
- Look, I'm not
paying you to take...
351
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:32,614
- Uh, watch.
352
00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:35,473
I'll split that with
my bare hand.
353
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,757
Hear that snap?
354
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,159
- It didn't break.
355
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,460
- Oh!
356
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:47,029
It must have been my hand.
357
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,365
- Next time use your head.
358
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,501
- Miss, what do you want
me to cook for dinner?
359
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,436
- Whatever Mr. Douglas wants.
360
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:55,271
- It's "Dougress."
361
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,739
"Dougress," I mean...
362
00:14:56,763 --> 00:15:00,009
Uh, look, a steak and
maybe some french fries, huh?
363
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,511
- The Countess
doesn't like steak.
364
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,035
She like raw fish.
365
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:07,884
If you like, I cook you some.
366
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,651
- You don't cook raw fish.
367
00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:11,687
- Then how do you get it raw?
368
00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:12,777
- Well, uh...
369
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:16,759
- Oliver, Oliver!
370
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:17,626
- Look, uh, later.
371
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,029
I wanna take a nap.
372
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,265
What are all my clothes
doing on the bed?
373
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:23,799
- I gave your closet to Mother.
374
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:26,269
- Yes, would you mind
getting them off of there?
375
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,604
I want to take my nap.
376
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:30,072
- I'm going to take the nap.
377
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:31,974
- Not in my room.
378
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:33,009
- Your room?
379
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,279
- Yes, I gave Mother this room.
380
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:38,480
- And where are
we going to sleep?
381
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,249
- Well, I want to
sleep here with Mother
382
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,785
and you can sleep in the
other room on the sofa.
383
00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:44,020
- Mm-hmm.
384
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:46,622
The same arrangement
we had on our honeymoon.
385
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,124
- Oh!
386
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:51,294
Are you the fellow that went
on the honeymoon with us?
387
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:54,297
- Lisa, could I talk
to you privately?
388
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:55,601
Lisa, if your mother wants to...
389
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:58,357
Now what?
390
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,394
Oh, come in!
391
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:05,774
Hi.
392
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:06,608
- Hello, Mr. Douglas.
393
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:07,443
- Oh, hello there!
394
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,511
Hello there, Mr. Ziffel!
395
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,613
Ooh, hello, Arnold!
396
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,052
- We have come over
to pay our respects
397
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,520
to the Queen of Italy.
398
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:19,888
- Sicily.
399
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,824
And she's not the queen.
400
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:24,693
- Well, then why are they
giving her the highness-ship party
401
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,662
with the fox hunt?
402
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:29,932
- No, no, no, the fox hunt
goes with the royal ball
403
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:31,434
and the polo goes with the...
404
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,869
- No, there's not
going to be any party.
405
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,005
- Well, anyhow, Arnold
never met any royalties,
406
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,174
so he brought a
bouquet of flowers.
407
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:41,967
Ah, Arnold!
408
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:46,182
What did you wanna
eat the flowers for?
409
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,450
- Lisa, darling, I...
410
00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:50,019
- Oh, oh, Mother, I want
you to meet Mr. Ziffel.
411
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:51,620
- Oh, how do you do?
412
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:53,222
- Your highness-ship.
413
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,080
- Oh!
414
00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:58,160
- Oh, here, here,
let me help you.
415
00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:03,065
- And this is
Mr. Ziffel's son, Arnold.
416
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,504
- He brought you over
a stomach full of flowers.
417
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,507
- Arnold, uh, would like to
418
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,477
take you all out
to dinner tonight.
419
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,278
- Oh, that would be lovely!
420
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,981
- I'm not going out
to dinner with a pig.
421
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:22,051
- Well, if he don't
object, why should you?
422
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,886
- Maybe you ladies
would like to join us
423
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,688
and leave whatshisname home.
424
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,257
- That's a good idea.
425
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,758
Yeah, why don't you
all go out to dinner
426
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,694
and leave me here to enjoy
the peace and the quiet.
427
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:45,074
- Oliver, it's very sweet
of you to sleep out here.
428
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:47,109
- Stupid is a better word.
429
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:49,011
- Well, look at it
on the bright side,
430
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:51,447
Mother will only be here
for three more weeks.
431
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,615
- I am not going to...
- Shh, shh!
432
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,051
You'll wake up Mother.
433
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,885
- Oh, wouldn't that be terrible?
434
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,720
- Well, goodnight, darling.
435
00:17:58,744 --> 00:17:59,744
Sleep well.
436
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,922
Lisa!
437
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,260
- What's the matter?
438
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:18,941
- Get him off!
439
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,342
- Oh, well, come on, Sean!
440
00:18:20,366 --> 00:18:21,366
Come on, darling, now.
441
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:25,714
That's a good boy.
442
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,349
You're going to
sleep here tonight.
443
00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:28,917
Goodnight, sweetheart!
444
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:29,941
- Goodnight.
445
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:45,823
How did you get...
446
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,228
Coming!
447
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,149
Oh, Mr. Haney, well,
what are you uh...
448
00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:02,684
- Good morning, Mr. Douglas!
449
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:05,020
Happy ceremonial day!
450
00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:06,255
- Ceremonial day?
451
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,657
- Is her queenship awake yet?
452
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,159
- Oh, look, Mr. Haney...
453
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:11,627
- Who is it, Oliver?
454
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,061
- It's Mr. Haney and he...
455
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,730
- Good morning, Mr. Haney.
456
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:18,200
- Is your royal mother
about and stirring?
457
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:19,468
- Mm-hmm, yes.
458
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:22,671
- Good, then we can
start the ceremony.
459
00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:24,106
- What ceremony?
460
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:26,041
- Well, the welcoming
committee is gonna give her
461
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,976
the keys to the city,
462
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:32,814
after which the whole town
will take part in a royal frolic.
463
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,183
- Oh!
464
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:37,653
Mother, they're
here to frolic you!
465
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:38,987
- Lisa, don't!
466
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,723
- This is a great
day for Hooterville,
467
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:44,527
having the Queen
of Sicily in our midst.
468
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:46,629
- She's not a queen!
469
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:49,655
What's that?
470
00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:54,970
What do you think
you're doing here?
471
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,172
What's...
472
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:57,439
- We're giving the
queen a royal salute.
473
00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:59,441
- Oh, now will you, hey!
474
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:00,465
What?
475
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:05,437
- Fire!
476
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,140
Okay, reload.
477
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,055
- Hey, don't put another...
478
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:17,059
- Mr. Douglas, now, we
have got to give her majesty
479
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:18,583
her 21 gun salute.
480
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,096
- Since we don't have 21 guns,
481
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,498
it took a little figurin' out.
482
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,032
- Yeah, all we could
find was one cannon
483
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,501
and three cannonballs.
484
00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:29,594
- So what we gonna do is
three-ball her seven times.
485
00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,708
- Three ball...
- Fire!
486
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,647
Okay, reload.
487
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,416
- We gotta go pick up
the cannonballs, first.
488
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,651
- No, no don't bother
to pick up the...
489
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:43,752
Hey!
490
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:46,388
- Mr. Haney, this is my mother.
491
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,011
- Your "Highnesty."
492
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:52,127
On behalf of the
citizens of Hooterville,
493
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:53,862
I bid you welcome
494
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:58,834
and present you with this
solid gold wooden key to the city.
495
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,336
- Hold it!
496
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,438
Haney, you said you'd
wait for us for the ceremony.
497
00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:03,905
- Oh, I forgot.
498
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:07,343
I sold the television rights
to the Pixley TV station
499
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,367
for $12.
500
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,113
- For 12...
501
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,314
- Excuse me, would you
mind stepping aside, buddy?
502
00:21:12,338 --> 00:21:13,415
We wanna get a
shot of the queen.
503
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:16,719
- Oh, Mother, you'll be on TV.
504
00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:20,289
- And they canceled
The Smothers Brothers.
505
00:21:20,313 --> 00:21:21,757
- Have you got some
kind of a royal crown
506
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,592
you could wear?
507
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:24,826
- Eh, no, I'm sorry.
508
00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:27,162
- You don't have a royal crown?
509
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:29,998
I'll be glad to rent you this.
510
00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:31,333
Oh!
511
00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,068
Thank you so much.
512
00:21:33,092 --> 00:21:34,592
- That'll be $700.
513
00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,973
- 700...
- I found this out back.
514
00:21:37,997 --> 00:21:39,341
Boy, what a shot.
515
00:21:39,365 --> 00:21:42,144
Went right through
the side of your barn.
516
00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:43,111
- What?
517
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,346
- Excuse me.
518
00:21:44,370 --> 00:21:45,614
- Kimball, if you fire...
519
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:47,215
- Mac, would you mind
stepping aside, please?
520
00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:49,618
You're casting a shadow.
521
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,186
- I don't give a...
522
00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:54,423
- Next, I want you to get
a full shot of the hovel.
523
00:21:54,447 --> 00:21:55,457
- What hovel?
524
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:56,481
- Our house.
525
00:21:57,950 --> 00:21:59,895
- Now, here's what we
want you to do, Your Majesty.
526
00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:02,331
We're gonna give you a
couple of bags of groceries
527
00:22:02,355 --> 00:22:04,032
and we want you to
take them into the hovel
528
00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:07,303
like you're giving them to
the poor people that live there.
529
00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:08,637
- What poor people?
530
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,494
- Us. We own the hovel.
531
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,442
- Stop calling it a hovel!
532
00:22:13,466 --> 00:22:15,877
- Next, I wanna get a shot
of you coming out of the hovel
533
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:17,946
and have this dirty
faced little kid come out
534
00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:21,016
and thank you and
you give him a kiss.
535
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,685
You got a dirty faced
little kid around?
536
00:22:22,709 --> 00:22:26,087
- No, we don't have a...
- How 'bout me?
537
00:22:26,111 --> 00:22:27,289
- Yeah, fine.
538
00:22:27,313 --> 00:22:29,325
Only you have to
play it on your knees.
539
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:30,559
- Golly!
540
00:22:30,583 --> 00:22:32,060
I'm gonna be on
TV with the queen!
541
00:22:32,084 --> 00:22:33,562
Uh, would you give
this to Mr. Kimball?
542
00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:34,730
Ooh!
543
00:22:34,754 --> 00:22:36,019
Oh, you dimwit!
544
00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,767
Look, I want
everybody out of here!
545
00:22:38,791 --> 00:22:39,735
- Oh, but Oliver!
546
00:22:39,759 --> 00:22:41,325
- Out, out!
- Oliver!
547
00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:44,496
Oliver!
548
00:23:10,456 --> 00:23:11,456
Oliver!
549
00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:18,974
- How long are they gonna
keep shooting that stupid...
550
00:23:18,998 --> 00:23:22,711
- Well, that was number 19,
they only have two more to go.
551
00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:24,546
- What did you bring
all that out here for?
552
00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,814
- Well, if you're going
to sleep out here,
553
00:23:25,838 --> 00:23:27,850
I'm going to sleep
out here with you.
554
00:23:27,874 --> 00:23:29,585
- Oh, what about your mother?
555
00:23:29,609 --> 00:23:32,187
- She doesn't want
to sleep out here.
556
00:23:32,211 --> 00:23:33,188
- Well, that's something.
557
00:23:33,212 --> 00:23:34,656
Here.
558
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,393
I'm about fed up with
that cannon shooting,
559
00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:41,697
the TV cameraman, that
Haney fawning all over that
560
00:23:41,721 --> 00:23:44,054
phony queen mother of yours!
561
00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:46,668
- Oh, Oliver.
562
00:23:46,692 --> 00:23:49,304
I didn't come out
here to fight with you.
563
00:23:49,328 --> 00:23:50,906
- What did you
come out here for?
564
00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:53,041
- Well, a wife's place
is next to her husband,
565
00:23:53,065 --> 00:23:55,811
no matter how cold his feet are.
566
00:23:55,835 --> 00:23:57,846
- My feet aren't cold.
567
00:23:58,838 --> 00:24:00,771
- Oh, if they don't stop!
568
00:24:01,908 --> 00:24:04,909
- Well, there is
only one more to go.
569
00:24:06,712 --> 00:24:09,858
Isn't this better than
sleeping in the hovel?
570
00:24:09,882 --> 00:24:11,527
- Yeah, better.
571
00:24:11,551 --> 00:24:13,429
- Then, what do you want to do,
572
00:24:13,453 --> 00:24:16,264
discuss politics or play cards
573
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,467
or give me a kiss?
574
00:24:18,491 --> 00:24:20,591
- Have you got the cards?
575
00:24:22,061 --> 00:24:24,540
- I guess Mother was wrong
about all the nice things
576
00:24:24,564 --> 00:24:26,442
she said about you.
577
00:24:26,466 --> 00:24:27,609
- Oh?
578
00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:29,077
What'd she say?
579
00:24:29,101 --> 00:24:32,448
- She said, "I think
whatshisname is very sweet."
580
00:24:32,472 --> 00:24:34,483
I think that deserves a kiss.
581
00:24:34,507 --> 00:24:36,518
- It certainly does.
582
00:24:36,542 --> 00:24:37,953
- Where are you going?
583
00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:39,488
- To kiss your mother,
she's the one that said it.
584
00:24:39,512 --> 00:24:40,689
- Oliver!
585
00:24:40,713 --> 00:24:42,558
- Oh, I'm just gonna
close the door.
586
00:24:43,449 --> 00:24:44,259
- Oh!
587
00:24:44,283 --> 00:24:45,093
Ah!
588
00:24:45,117 --> 00:24:46,117
- Ooh!
589
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:48,997
- Well, that's the last one.
590
00:24:49,021 --> 00:24:53,190
I certainly hope so.
591
00:25:28,961 --> 00:25:33,130
This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.
38261
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