All language subtitles for Eddie Murphy Delirious (1983)

Ladies and gentlemen !

Eddie Murphy!

Thank you. Thank you so much.
Two times, far two times.

Before I even get started how about
a big round of applause for the Bus Boys.

There's some rules,
I got some rules when I show

down and I do my standup,
I got rules and shit.

Faggots aren't allowed to look
at my ass while I'm on stage !

That's why I keep
moving while I'm up here.

You don't know where the faggot section is,
you gotta keep movin'.

So if they do see it,
it's quick, you switch,

they don't get no long
stares at your shit...

...so that their imagination
is flowing about my...

I know when you're looking,
'cos my ass starts to get hot.

I'm afraid of gay people. Petrified.
I have nightmares about gay people.

I have this nightmare
that I go to Hollywood

and find out that
Mr. T is a faggot.

Really, and he'd be
walking up to people going:

"Hey, boy !
Hey, boy !"

"You look mighty
cute in them jeans !"

"Now come on over here,
and fuck me up the ass !"

"I'm gonna bend over now !"

"Hey, boy, slow down !"

"You're gonna miss the round,
and come too fast !"

"You make me get get mad I clench up
my buttcheeks and rip your dick of !"

You know who would be a funny faggot?
Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton!

Ralph Kramden leaning out
the window and one day says:

"Norton! Come on down,
I wanna show you somethin'!"

"Ralphie-boy,
whaddaya say there pal of mine ?"

"You know Norton,
I've been watching you."

"And I know you've been
watching me Norton."

You watch me!
I know!"

"So, Ralph,
what are you gettin' at?"

"Norton, my friend!"

"How would you like
to fuck me up the ass ?"

"I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!"

"And you know that I know that you know
that I know that you wanna fuck me!"

"Now I'm gonna bend over,
and when I do, start fuckin'!"

"Here I go !"

"Way to go there,
Ralphie-boy!"

I kid the homosexuals a lot,
'cos they're homosexuals.

I fuck with everybody.
I don't give a fuck if they're...

Just like umm...
I don't mean anything by it.

You can hang out
with a gay person.

Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated,
like, gay people, 'cos they're gay.

You can play tennis with a gay person.
Really !

Just after the game you say:

"I'm gonna get a beer,
what's you gonna do ?"

"I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick."
"Well, I'll see you later!"

"You go suck that dick,
I'm gonna have the beer."

Ladies are hip to it too.
Ladies be hanging out with gay people.

Ladies say:
"Gay men are the best friends I have !"

" 'Cos they don't want
anything from you,

you don't want anything from them,
you just hang out,

you can be with them and
get fun and just talk to them

and all that bullshit,
maybe hanging out with them.

You know what's really scary about it?
That new AIDS shit.

AIDS is scary 'cos it
kills motherfuckers, AIDS!

That ain't like the good ol' days
when venereal disease was simple.

In the good old days,
you got gonorhea,

you dick hurt, go get a shot,
cleared right up.

Then they came out with herpes,
you keep that shit forever like luggage.

And now they got AIDS,
that just kills motherfuckers.

I say what's next, I guess you just
put your dick in it and explodes !

And the girl would be on the bed:
"Maybe I should see a doctor about it..."

Kills people ! It petrifies me 'cos
girls be hanging out with them.

One night they could
be in the club having fun

with their gayfriend,
give them a little kiss.

And go home with
AIDS on their lips !

And then when her husband,
like five years later.

"- Mr. Johnson, you have Aids."
"- AIDS?! But I'm not homosexual!"

"Sure you're not homosexual..."

All the diseases scare
me 'cos I'm like these...

these are fuck years for me,
like I'm 22...

I'm in my sexual prime,
this, I fuck now !

These are the years to fuck !
This is when you do your best fucking.

And you just start to learn your body and
getting it on your shoulders on to fuck...

Like 18 year olds,
let me hear you all in the audience !

See y'all don't know
how to fuck yet, see.

You get 22.
You start movin' all this shit.

Makin' faces, ever made them fuck
faces its a cool motherfucking thing.

You don't do that
when you're 18.

There's just 1 expression 'cos
you be surprised you be fuckin' me.

Plus you don't have no
dick control when you're 18 !

Ever been sitting around
when you was young man,

just sitting in class,
your dick gets hard for nothing ?

You be just sitting there
and your dick's here:

"What's going on out there?"

That's when the teacher say:

"Mr Murphy,
would you come over by the board?"

"No, that's allright.
I'll take the zero."

Really, no dick control at all.

It's even hard to find
the pussy when you're 18.

Ever had that guys?

You'd be searching for
the pussy down there.

And your dick be sliding down and shit,
and the girl be going: "That's not it..."

"Is there any problem ?"
"No, ain't no problem, baby."

"You got a shoe horn
or some shit like that?"

And this is the business to
be in if you want some pussy.

That's why I got in show
bussiness, for pussy.

I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck,
I'm fucking everybody.

And it's like that too.

When you do TV-shows,

women would be throwing pussy
at me on the street like frisbee.

"Ed !"
"Thank you ! Appreciate that !"

Too much pussy, pussy would be
falling outta my pocket.

Walking out the street, you say:
"Oh, watch your step, that's mine."

Being a comic though
ain't like being no singer.

The singers get all the pussy.

Like the Bus Boys,
they fuck everybody.

Bus Boys will fuck
anything that moves.

Come to my house the fish stop swimming.

They don't play.

Singers gets pussy.
'Cos you don't have to,

even you don't have to look good,
you can sing and get pussy.

Just be interesting. 'cos this Sex Symbol
is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker.

'cos all you have to do is sing,
its somethin bout singing,

that is the business,
you sing, women go crazy.

Cos, Mick Jagger is
an ugly motherfucker !

With big ass lips !

Mick Jagger's lips are so
big black people be going:

"You got some big ass lips !"

"These are big
motherfucking lips !"

But he's singing !
If you sing you'll get over.

Luther Vandross is a big
Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker.

But he put that shit up like....
"Bip bip, bip bip beee..."

And women go:
"AAAHHHH !"

Sing !
'Cos all you got to do is sing.

Michael Jackson, who can sing,
and is a good looking guy.

But ain't the most
masculine fellow in the world.

That's Michael's hook,
his sensivity !

That's when women be sayin:
"Michael's just so sensitive..."

And they eat that shit up.
Mike knows.

He be using women.

I've seen Mike walk up to a girl and
they'd be in the audience and say:

"Is it allright if I come
down there to sing to you..."

And women go:
"Whaaaaa !"

Then, if you don't scream,

Michael gets really sensitive
and cries on your ass.

Ever hear that record
"She's out of my life" ?

"Tito, give me some tissues."

"Jermaine, stop teasing."

You just sing !
I like dudes with masculine voices,

you know,
like Teddy Pendergrass.

Teddy just comes out,
takes the lyrics and:

"You got, you got what I need."

And scare the
bitches into liking him.

That motherfucker's crazy,
throw your panties on the stage.

That's whats happening.
I like Elvis Presley !

Really I give credit
where credit is due.

When Elvis was young,
he was a bad motherfucker.

He was vicious.
Sing his ass off.

He sang so good, they let him do movies,
he couldn't act.

They said: "Fuck it ! Let
him sing all his dialogues !"

"- Elvis, we got to win this race!"
♪"- We got to win this race...."♪

"Elvis, want some lemonade?"

♪"Lemonade, that cool,
refreshing drink...."♪

Let him sing 'till he was older too,
Elvis was 42 years old.

Remember right
before he croaked?

He would come out,
his stomach was all fat and shit

...and his butt be
sticking out and shit...

looking like he had to shit,
out walking on the stage like this...

"Excuse me."

Sing ! That's the key to it.
You don't even have to be able to talk.

Just sing and get famous.
James Brown's been singing for 20 years.

I don't know what the fuck
James is talkin' about !

I don't understand
shit James says !

I met him once at
Saturday Night Live,

I walked up to James and said
"James, I luv your stuff."

And James says
"Za butta diz at."

And whatever James is saying
is some really heavy shit to James.

'Cos it's real meaningful
shit to James.

'Cos at the end of every sentence
he ended up with: "Ha!"

He meant that shit
that he just said boy !

Everything, he said. "Ha!"

And you getting mad you
start putting the needle back

"What the fuck did I just miss?"

That's a James Brown lyric.
He wrote that shit !

He's writing a song and:
"I need a word in here: Heaay !"

"That's good !"

Band be going:
"What the fuck is James talking about?"

I don't know but we're getting paid,
keep singing.

And people take singers.

There's something about singers
that people just love and shit.

'Cos I... I did Stevie Wonder
on a show once.

And black people lost
their motherfucking minds !

I have brothers
rawling up on me going:

"Hey ! You the motherfucker that'd
been doing Stevie Wonder?"

"That shit ain't funny,
motherfucker !"

"Don't you never let me
see you do that shit again !"

"I'll fuck you up !"

"Stevie Wonder is
a musical genius !"

That's terrible !
That's terrible, man !

"Your mother brought you up wrong,
that's what it is !"

"Your mother brought you up wrong,
motherfucker !"

I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie
two months ago, I said:

"Look, Steve, I get 2 months
motherfucking flack over this impression."

"I don't like doin',
I ain't doing this shit no more."

Stevie says: "Well I feel that..."
"- Shut the fuck up !"

'Cos you gotta
cut Steve off quick,

'Cos if he starts rolling
he talks your ears off.

You ever seen Steve win
a Grammy and come up to

give one of those long
ass acceptance speeches ?

"And the winner is Stevie Wonder !"

'...God's chosen and..."

"Just take the motherfuckin
award and get the fuck out !"

'cos if you don't say
that the credits will be

rolling and Stevie going:
"And I'd like to thank..."

I've been in the car and said:
"Just shut the fuck up, Steve!"

I'm telling you, genius and all that shit,
but you're my boy, man, we hang and,

I mean, like, it's nice and shit but
I don't appreciate all the flack.

And personally, the piano and the singing,
I told you how I feel about singing...

"...I ain't impressed."

"You wanna impress me?"

"Take the wheel for a little while,
motherfucker !"

"I heard that shit, man !"
"That shit wasn't funny !"

Then I suppose in your little sketch
Stevie crashed in a tree, right?

"Ha-ha, very funny,
motherfucker !"

"Your mother got a wooden leg
with a kick stand, motherfucker !"

"Your mother got a mouth in the back of
her neck and the bitch chews like this !"

"Motherfucker Stevie Wonder
jokes and shit !"

It's hot as a fuck in this thing !

"- Take it off !"

No, I can't take it off.

Maybe ladies would run up the place
holding their pussies going: "Aaaah !"

What's going on over there?

Ladies run down the street and...
can't do that.

Do they have the icecream
man around here ?

Do they have the
Mr. Softy icecream?

Remember when the icecream man
used to come to town when you was little ?

And no matter what you was doing
you would stop and lose your fucking mind !

There's something about the icecream
truck that makes kids lose it.

And they can hear that
shit from ten blocks away.

They don't hear their
mothers calling them.

But they hear that
motherfucking icecream truck.

And no matter what was was going on,
the iceman came, it stopped.

You be gettin' some marbles
and shit and you hear: ♫ ♪ ♪ ♫

"Icecream !
Icecream !"

"The icecream man is coming !
The icecream man is coming !"

"Mom ! Mom !"
"Throw down some money !"

"The icecream man is coming !"

Then your mother come to the window
and be throwing change and say:

"Get your father a
Toasted Almond boy,"

"and get your brother Ice Hits,
get yourself a vanilla cone,"

"and bring back my change !"

Catch all that shit and run
down the street, top speed.

Chasing icecream truck and:
"Icecream !"

Icecream man always
drove extra blocks away.

And I know he's
seen us and shit,

but I think he just be in the
car with his friends and say:

"Watch me how fast I make
these motherfuckers run"

You'd be behind him doing
50 and going: "Icecream !"

You be stop,
you'd be all out of wind.

"Icecream man, icecream man.
I'll have this, I'll want this over here.

Toasted Almond for my father and give me
this Ice Hits over here and a vanilla cone.

"Thank you, icecream man !
Thank you !"

Thank you, icecream man !
Thank you ! And you get your icecream...

I'd get my icecream.
I remember my mother giving my icecream.

I didn't eat it,
I just sing for a little while.

You know how kids are.

♪"I have some icecream,
I have some icecream,"♪

♪"and I'm gonna eat it all,
I'm gonna eat it all..."♪

The icecream be running
down your arm and shit.

♪"You don't have no icecream!
You didn't get none !"♪

♪"You didn't get none !"
You didn't get none !"♪

♪" 'Cos you are on the wellfare,
you can't afford it."♪

Other kids would join in:

♪"You can't afford it,
and his father is an alcoholic !"♪

♪"You want to eat some
of my icecream but...♪

"Want a lick?
Sike"

♪"You want some icecream.
You want some icecream."♪

♪"I'm going to eat all my icecream,
you cannot have some."♪

♪"You can't...."♪

♪"You dropped your icecream,
you dropped your icecream..."♪

Eat it. I could drop my icecream
in a pile of shit and eat it.

I would be like:
"It's just sprinkles, like sprinkles"

Unless your mother catch you doin'
that nasty shit, though.

My mother caught me doing that,
she made me put it down in 1 sentence:

"Put it on the floor !"

And you dropped that shit, quick.
"I wasn't going to eat it."

My mother caught me doing that...

Anybody got them mothers
that would hit you with a shoe ?

I had a mother, that would throw
a shoe at you at the drop of a dime.

And fuck you up,
wherever she was aiming.

And bad with the shoe, she
was like carry that shit like a gun,

By the time I was like 10,

my mother was like
Clint Eastwood with a shoe.

And you fuck up,
my mother walk into the room was like:

♪ The Good, The Bad
and The Ugly theme song ♪

"Why did you eat your
icecream off the floor ?"

"I didn't, I just..."

♪ The Good, The Bad
and The Ugly theme song ♪

Bad !
Accurate !

You'd be in a
supermarket and shit

and be grabbing cereal
off the counter, going:

"Mom, can we get this ?"

" I guess not !"

And could be doing
three different things,

be on the phone with my grandmother,
and be cooking with this hand,

have the phone like this and be sayin'
"Yeah, mama, hold on a second."

Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be
dressed up and had them high heels on.

Them pumps, 'cos then she gets
boomerang action going on your ass !

And fuck you up in your room, you won't
even know what the fuck happened.

They can hear you when you're getting
ready to walk out the door.

And hear you on the
bunk beds fucking around.

They got that mother hearing.
They hear that shit.

"Wait a minute, baby."

"Let's go."

She was the one who did all the
disciplining around the house and shit.

My mom would fuck us up, bitch.

Very, very strict house I came from.

And I remember when
I first went to my first

contact with a white family,
it freaked me out and shit.

I went to Fresh Air Fund,
ever go to that?

Where they take a kid
like from the city and send

him to the country and
fuck his mind up and shit.

And I went there and I found out some
white kids can curse around the house !

That fucked me up !

When I was little,
I couldn't believe that.

Coz I couldn't even say
"dagg" around my house,

my momma said
"sounds too much like damn."

I get into trouble for saying shit
the wrong way around my house.

I was in the house with Tom Kildez.

"- Tom you're a little late."

He said "Come on mom, shit.
I'm moving as fast as I can, shit c'mon."

And I was standing like this:

And if I tried to pull some
shit like that in my house?

"Ed, you're a little late !"

"Hey, come on, pop, shit, what is this!
Come on, damn !"

My pop just go:

"That motherfucker's crazy !"

Pops didn't play man.

He didn't play when it came to kids,
he ain't fucking with my mother though.

My mother would fuck him up.

My moms one of those sistas you don't hit.
You can't hit sistas period!

Remember in the old days
when you could beat up a woman ?

Remember that
shit back in the 20's,

when guys just smacked
their wives in the movies...

And they'll just go:
"- Ohhhh...."

You can't do shit
like that no more.

Women be takin' aerobics,
and they'll fuck you up now !

It's scary too, man !

Especially a black woman.
You hit a black woman she lose her mind !

Seriously. They go crazy,
you can have a really timid sister

for a girl, and smack it be like:

"I'm gonna kill you,
motherfucker !"

"You don't hit me like that !
You don't hit me shit !"

"You don't put your hands on my face !
My father don't put his hands on my face !”

"You don't hit me !"

"Baby, please, stop !
Baby, please... stop !"

"Stop baby, hold up.
Stop please, please !"

"Calm down, baby,
calm down !"

"You don't hit me,
motherfucker !"

"So get the fuck out!"

Throw you out your own house, you
be so scared you get the fuck out too.

That's some shit.
You know you're scared when a woman

says get the fuck out your
own house and you leave.

You scared motherfucker.

I had a girlfriend once,
I smacked her and got all cool on her and shit.

And then she got cool and
scared me more and I just left.

But that slap, ain't got macho.

I said:
"I didn't want to do that shit, baby !

But you brought that shit on yourself."

"Dont make me
have to do it again."

She said:
"No, no I did bring it on myself. I did."

"Why don't you just go to sleep !"

I got the fuck out.

People are changing.

They say men are changing too,
this shit the guys do now

you couldn't...
That they didn't do 30 years ago.

In the old days man, you had an
argument with your girl in the car.

She say:
"Let me out of here !"

Men would say:
"No, no, we won't have any of that."

And nowadays a woman say that shit,
dude: "Get the fuck out !"

Somebody broke wind in here !

I've been trying to like not say nothing
but somebody farted in this motherfucker.

That's some
long-distance fart too, boy.

I know you get out with
your friends have a good time.

Especially fellas..
ya know they play that game,

they play the fart
game you know.

You know you fart around
your fellas and its funny.

Dudes be doing that they be gettin in
elevators farting and laughing and shit.

It's nasty !
You play the fart game.

I think deep down inside people
wanna smell other people's farts.

Cos you smell them.

And people always
tell you they farted.

They say: "I farted.
You don't leave, you pause a second."

"Yeah, you did !"

'Cos in the back of your
mind you wanna grade the fart.

But if it smells bad enough,
two years later you be going:

"Remember that fart you made,
two years ago ?"

The fart game you play.

Starts off around the
house when you're little.

Your father introduced you to it.

You'd be sitting in the house
one day on a Saturday morning,

watching cartoons and your
father make a fart and go:

"That wasn't me,
that was your mother."

"That was your mother.
Oh baby, baby"

I want a divorce, woosh !
You're rotten, baby, shit !"

And you join in,
grab your little brother,

sit on his head and fart.
You ever do that?

That's a fun game, you little
brother freak out and go: "Waaah"

And your father goes: "It's the fart game,
you'll play one day son."

The fart game, you get your
best friend in on that shit too.

You can walk up to your best friend
while he's watching a football game,

and fart in his face.

He won't even get mad.

He justs go:
"Ok, you got me, alright."

"That was a good one, too !"

"My mouth was open.
My mouth was open on that !"

I got a scar over my eye,

till this day from playing the fart
game in the bathtub when I was little.

Me and my big
brother used to play it.

We were poor, we didn't have Mr. Bubble,
we played the fart game.

We'd be in the tub;
"Bloooop."

"Bloooop."

"Bloooop."

"I think it's smelly !"
"I think it's smelly !"

Ever hold your G.I. Joe
over a guy and go ?:

"I'm G.I Joe,
I'm swimming on the water..."

"Bloooop.
AHHHH"

♪"And G.I. Joe wants to find out
where that bubbles are coming from."♪

♪"Maybe on the bottom of the ocean,"♪

♪"so he started to venture into the
cave from whence they caaaame."♪

♪"And G.I. Joe got stuck...
And G.I. Joe in the water."♪

And my big brother was sitting in
the other end of the tub and shit,

and made a shit in the tub.

He wanted to add some
excitement to the game.

He said:
♪"And then a big brown shark caaame."♪

I jumped up and said:
"Aaaaah !"

Cut my eye on the soap dish,
blood was gushing out my face and shit.

Screaming, my mother
ran in the bathroom.

Seeing my big brother
sittin in the bathroom

with a piece of shit
in his hand in the tub.

I was layin at the bottom of the water
with blood gushing outta my eye...

And G.I. Joe up my ass...

My mother:
"What the fuck is going on in here !?"

Can I hold somebody's camera.
Anybody bring a camera?

Does its flash go immediately?

Like I don't have to be waiting like
my aunt and shit "Wait a second now !"

Ever do that to be posing your
ass like this and your aunt be going:

"Wait, it's the flash."

They try to press it and the
shit don't work they be going:

"There's something wrong with it..."

And it go immediately the flash.
Are you sure?

I'll take a picture of the crowd,
for myself.

OK, all y'all come
over here this way.

You know.
I'll take two of them.

This ain't no instamatic motherfucker !

I got to wait for
the flash and shit !

See you got me waiting,
I should break your shit.

See the brothers
sitting in the back going:

"All this money and he's
taking motherfucking pictures !"

"I want my picture took,
I'd steal a car motherfucker!"

"Hey, man,
I said one fuckin' picture !"

"You're going to use up
all my fucking film, man !"

"Come on, shit !"

"Who the fuck do you
think you are, man !"

Let's see you explain the last one
to the guys at Photomat.

"That's a picture of
Eddie Murphy's dick..."

You know what would be a good picture?

Can all the brothers stand up ?

All the brothers in the audience?
Straight up ! Everybody up !

Straight up ! I'm serious !
What the fuck are you doing ?

Will you, motherfucker stand up ?
Up !

And all the ladies
get your cameras out.

We're gonna set the
record straight here.

When I say go...

...everybody whip out their dick and go:
"Wuuuhaaa"

Look how fast the
white dudes sat down!

Sat down quicker..
"Hey!"

Some of them still standing.
Y'all must be Italian !

Ain't know about motherfucking...
We got some shit on us.

We got all this shit!

We the shaboinking people.

We got some dicks hanging down !

Dicks down to this motherfucker !

You don't believe it.
White people don't believe it.

What's funny about it, white people
are the ones that made up the rumor.

"You know, black people
have tremendous dicks,"

"but I don't believe it !"

You know remains of the
first dick was found in Africa ?

Big ass piece of
bone dick on the floor.

"What is this shit ?"
"- It's an old dried up dick."

"That means the first dick belonged
to a black man."

Dicks.
We got the shit for it.

We got nice asses, too.
We got our shit on.

You see a white dude
would be in this suit like this.

"How are you, what's happening?
Hey!!"

"All right, man !
All right, maaan !"

"Right on man !"

I got a friend, Doug,
there go Doug,

my friend, Doug's ass is
way up here on his back.

Ain't it, Doug?
Doug be getting shit stains on his collar.

And be in a restaurants be
reaching for his wallet:

"Lemme get my wallet"

We got our shit hooked, we got all
this shit is hooked up with black people.

Chinese people are fucked all around,
coz they got little dicks and little asses.

They do and its fucked
up the way they walk.

They be walking all light coz they
ain't got no shit pulling them down.

Now, a brother's dick
is too big so it fucks up

his balance so he'd
have to do all this shit..

Everytime you see a brother
in a wheel chair he ain't always cripple.

He's got this shit hanging down !

That's why all the brothers model they
drawers in the newspaper.

Think 'bout it.

I've been seeing newspapers
every sunday morning.

A white dude being in his drawers,
and go...

Never have no
balls in they drawers.

Smiling and shit.

If I had no balls I wouldn't
be smiling and shit.

Mine be like this.

The dudes be going,
"I don't have any dick !"

Brother be standing there...

If a brother models
his drawers in the paper

they need an extra fold in the page.

"They're selling underwear but
this nigger's dick is in my coffee."

"Want me stir it for you ?"

That's some true shit.

What's today's date ?

The 17th of J...
A little bit more summer and shit.

Don't go to cook-outs.

I hate cook-outs man.

Stay away from cook-outs.

If you're like me stay the
fuck away from cook-outs.

I don't like my family
come by the house,

with the relatives I ain't
seen since the last cook-out.

You got certain relatives
you just see at the cook-out.

And they get on your
fuckin nerves every year.

My uncle Gus come
by the house every year.

My uncle Gus is the uncle
that likes to work the grill.

And don't let nobody touch the grill
when he's around and shit.

As as soon as he walks
in the house its like:

"Get away from that grill you dunna
know how to start a fire"

"You dunna start no fire, put this fire out.
This ain't no fire goddamnit."

"Eddie. Eddie go over there get
me all of that wood, I need half a tree."

"Chop that tree down over there."

"Chop down that tree and give me the wood."

"And Charlie go get me 2 gallons of
gasoline out the shed."

"Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll
up your shirt we're gonna start a fire."

"Come on, you wanna eat?
You wanna eat?."

"Then shut up and put it on the fire."

"O.k. put that wood on the side there."

"O.k. gimme the gasoline Charlie."

"Hold the match, when I tell you throw
the match on the gasoline all right?"

"When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire.
We gonna eat."

"Here we go pour the
gasoline on like this."

"We need the hole 2...
get that goddamn lighter

fluid out of here we
can't use that shit."

"Using all the 2 gallons
gasoline on this wood."

"And make a fire,
we're gonna eat a hamburger o.k.?"

"Here we go, Charlie throw the match."

"NOW THAT'S A FIRE!"

"That's a fire,
look at that, look at that."

"He be alright, roll Charlie 'round,
roll him around."

And uncle Gus is
married to my aunt Bunny.

My aunt Bunny got a
moustache and shit !

You know one of
them lady moustaches?

It was really cool,
back when she was 20.

Ladies had them
little thin ones and shit.

Then when they get about
45 like aunt Bunny did,

they be havin' a
Billy Dee Williams' look.

The shit's be thicker
than a man's and shit !

My aunt Bunny
weight like 300 pounds.

Like 250,
real heavy lady and shit.

And the kids were scared of her.

You got that kid logic going on.

I remember my aunt Bunny
come by the house and shit.

It was like.

I was petrified coz she always wanted
to kiss me and touch me and some shit.

Soon as she walked
on the door was like:

"Come give your
aunt Bunny a kiss, baby."

And you go:
"Waaaaa!"

And my mother would say:

"Why don't you want to
kiss your aunt Bunny ?"

Kids don't give a fuck, they go:
"She's got a moustache !"

"Waaaaa!...."

Why do kids move so slow
when they be crying?

"Waaaaa!"

"Stop making all that noise !"
"- Hoooowl."

" I said shut up !"
"- Huh huh huh huuuuh"

You be mad coz
your mother hit you.

You be standing there wishing
hateful shit on your mother.

Ever do that being in a bedroom going?
"- Huh huh huh."

"God please kill her !"

"I hope she gets hit by a truck and die !"

"I hate her ! I hate her !
I hate her ! I hate her !"

Shut up or I'll come give you
something to cry about.

Then my pop starts talking.

And my pop is fucked up every
4th of July at every cook-out!

Black men like to claim the house
when they're drunk.

Men period I think man,
like to just claim their house.

They want you to know that
if you drunk and they're drunk.

And you in their house,
that it's their house.

My father stand up in the
middle of the cook-out saying:

"It's my house !"

"You know that it is ?"

"And if you don't like it,
you get the fuck out !"

"I don't give a fuck !"

"I don't give a... I pay the motherfucker
bills in this motherfucker !"

"And, hey...
Kiss my ass if you don't like it !"

"Yes !
Yes, motherfucker, yes !"

"'Cos you know what it is,
you know what it is ?"

"I'm drunk. So what ?
Beautiful ! I'm drunk."

"I'm drunk ! So what ?
I'm drunk."

"You know what ?
I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen,

I was drinking out of my glass
in my motherfucker house."

"So, fuck it !"

Then he attacks the
whole family, right:

"Gus ! Gus, can I ask a question ?"

"Come here,
here's the question Gus. "

"Gus let me ask you a question, Gus."

"Why is the fire so big ?"

"Why do you made the fire so big Gus ?
Look at this shit !"

"It's a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus !"

"The fire is too motherfucker big !
Why ?

"You come in here every
motherfucker year, Gus..."

"...and you burn down
my motherfuckin' backyard !"

"Why ?"

"I'm cooking motherfucking
hamburgers in french(?) !"

"I'm not cookin' the motherfucking
brontosaurus burgers

in this motherfucker !"

"This ain't the motherfucking
Flintstones, Gus !"

"It's my house, motherfucker !"

"Look at Charlie standing over there with
3rd degree burns on em."

"Eating them motherfucking franks."

"It doesn't make sense no.
But you take things too far Gus."

"You take things too far."

"I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches."

"I tell you go 4 inches you go 5."

"Give a nigga a rope,
want to be a cowboy Gus."

"Why don't you listen ?"

"Oh Eddie, get that motherfucking
dog away from my plate."

"I'm gonna shoot this dog."

"I'm gonna shoot the mother...
shut up !"

"I'm gonna shoot it!
Stop crying "

"Stop crying Eddie,
cuz you can get the fuck out."

"You're gettin' the fuck...
I know you're seven !"

"But you'll be a seven year old
walkin' the dog, no house motherfucker !"

"You know what I mean ?
Because it's mine motherfucker !"

"I hate this motherfucking dog."

" 'Coz you answer
to for the dog."

"You don't spend time
with your dog Eddie."

"You don't feed
the motherfucker."

"You don't pet it."

"You don't even know what
the fuck the dogs name is anymore do you"

"The dog don't give a fuck,
he don't know his name."

"He's a dog that's 3 yrs old,
dont know his name."

"Watch this:
Coco ! Where the fuck is it goin' ?"

"The dog's stupid !"

" 'Cos you don't spend
time with the motherfucker."

"I'm supposed to
work hard all day."

"I come home and feed
the motherfucking dog ?"

Fuck no,
I'm not feeding the motherfucker !"

"You know what Eddie?
When nobody's home."

"When nobody's home,
you know what I do?"

"I go up to the dog and I
kick the motherfucker !"

"I kick the motherfucker
with everything I got, Eddie !"

"I not giggle my
motherfucking ass off."

" 'Cos I hate the motherfucker !
'cos you don't clean up behind it !"

"Why can't you clean
up the motherfucker....?"

"This ain't Scooby-Doo,
motherfucker !"

"Why can't you clean the dog."

"The dog shits all over the house."

"If no one tells you Eddie
you dont clean the shit."

"You let the shit stay forever."

"There's shit that's been in
the den for 6 months Eddie."

"It's been in the den for 6 months,"

"you kids go past it,
you act like you don't see it."

"And unless you're told,
you won't clean the shit."

"The shit is hard as a rock now !"

"It's like motherfuckin
furniture in there !"

"I went in last week
to watch the fight,"

"and said 'Fuck it !'.
I put my drink on top of it, Eddie"

"It's a coffee table now !
Why can't you clean up shit ?"

"My friends come over and say
'Oh that's lovely' ."

"That's not lovely,
it's a piece of shit."

" 'Cos my children don't listen !"

Then my aunt Bunny
would fall down the steps.

Almost every year.

Ever have a heavy set
aunt fall down the steps?

Make a whole
lotta fucking noise !

It's scary too, 'cos they be
calling Jesus on the way down !

And aunts don't like to fall straight
down the steps like a kid,

They be trying to break the fall
and hold it and stop the shit.

And that just makes
the fall take a half hour then.

Real loud, they're like:

"Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord,
please, Jesus, please !"

"Jesus, God, help my lord,
Jesus, help me I'm falling

down the steps.
Oh lord, Jesus Christ please !"

"My shoe !"

"Oh lord Jesus God help us !"

"I'm half way down now,
help my lord Jesus !"

"Lilian !"
"What is all that fuckin' noise ?!"

"Lilian !"

"The bitch is falling
down the steps again !"

"Ohhh, ohhh."

"Lilian !
Lilian !"

"What's wrong, Bunny ?"

"I fell down the steps !"

"Aahh !"

"Bunny fell down the steps !
Bunny fell down the steps !"

"Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny
something cool for her head !"

"What happened ?"
"Bunny fell down the steps !"

"Hey, Charlie !
Aunt Bunny fell down the steps !"

"Gus !"

"What the fuck is
wrong with your wife ?"

"Why can't she walk
the entire steps ?"

"You come over every
motherfucking year, Gus..."

"... and you burn down
my motherfucker backyard

and your wife rips
down the steps !"

"Why ?"

I work hard to get
my place beautiful..."

"...and then the motherfucker
come over and rips the steps down !"

"Look at the motherfucker steps !
They're fucked up, Gus !"

"Why can't she walk the steps ?
You know why she can't walk the steps ?"

" 'Cos she's a fat hairy bitch !"

"That's why !"

"That's why, Gus !"

"And my children are
afraid of your wife."

"Eddie's afraid of her !
He has nightmares about your wife !"

"I went to his room
last week, Gus."

He was in the bed
screaming, crying:"

"Oh, help me, help me !"

"I woke him, I shook him, said:
'What's wrong ?' "

"He said:
'Aunt Bunny is coming to get me !' "

"He's afraid of your wife, 'cos she has
a bigger moustache than his father !"

"But you know what it is, Gus ?"

"I figured out about your wife."

"And I'm gonna say it..."

"and my wife...,
I don't give a fuck what my wife says,"

"she can shut the fuck up."

"I'm going to tell you something,
I figured out about your wife."

"I know where
you met your wife."

"You told me you met your wife 15 years
ago on a motherfucking camping trip..."

"...and that your
wife was Portorican."

"Your wife ain't no
motherfuckin' Portorican !"

"I thought she wasn't
when I first met her, Gus"

" 'Cos I walked up to her and said:
"Good to meet you, my name is Vernon."

"And she said:
'Hello, I'm Bunny. Guni gugu.' "

"What the fuck does
guni gugu mean, Gus ?"

"I don't know what the fuck
that shit is to this day."

"I thought I learned
some new Spanish shit !"

"I went up to my friend:
' Hey, Sanchez ! Guni gugu ! ' "

"And Sanchez says:
' Get the fuck outta here ! ' "

"I've been walking
around for years, confused."

"And I finally figured out about your wife,
where you met your wife."

"You didn't meet your motherfuckin'
wife on no camping trip !"

"Your wife's a Bigfoot,
isn't she, Gus ?"

"Your wife's a Bigfoot,
isn't she ?"

"That's why the bitch's mustache
is so motherfucking thick !"

" 'Cos you shaved the bitch down
and taught her to speak !"

"I know a motherfuckin'
Bigfoot when I see one !"

"You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus ?
With my children ?"

"The bitch can't talk,
she can't walk the flight of steps !"

"She's not trained well, Gus !"

"She cannot walk steps."

"I bet she climb the fuck out a
tree though, don't she, Gus ?"

"Doesn't she ? Doesn't she ?"

"But you had to not
bring her around here !"

"Fuck her !
And your motherfucker children."

"They're Bigfeet too !
They're half Bigfoot, Gus."

" 'Cos the motherfucker is 6 yrs old and
have afros 17 inches long."

"They're little hairy motherfuckers
just like their mother."

"Look at the motherfuckers, you know
how I found out they was Bigfoot ?"

"When I realized they
were actually Bigfoot ?"

"When I took your
kids fishing last week."

"I put the motherfuckers
in the boat, Gus."

"And I took the worm
and I put it on their hooks."

"And they both sat there,"

"and put the poles down
in the motherfuckin' boat."

"And slammed their face
in the water, for 2 mins."

"And I think,
what the fuck are these kids doing ?"

"Then they start movin
their heads like this,"

"and then motherfuckers
come up with fish."

"I jumped back and said:"

"Can you believe this
motherfuckin' shit ? "

"Then kid took the fish out of his mouth,"

"and looked at his brother and said:
' Guni gugu ! ' "

"I said, what the fuck
is going on here ?"

"Normal kids don't
do shit like that, Gus !"

"But I'm going to tell you
somethin' motherfucker !"

"You can take your
motherfuckin' hairy, fat ass,"

"white mustache bitch,
out the fuck."

"You can go upstairs and get the
motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit..."

"and take Eddie and get
these motherfucking long"

"Angela Davis afro-wearing
motherfucking kids of yours..."

"...and put them in the motherfucker
guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out !"

"And if my wife don't like it,
she can get the fuck out too !"

"You missed me, bitch !"

Thank you !

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Do the shit again?

Oh, shit...
I'm in Washington D.C. !

Jesus...
Christ !

This is where Reagan lives.
Not far from here.

Ron !

Hey Ron, everyone's booing
and I ain't said shit.

I mean I... huh?

- Buckwheat !
What's up?

- Buckwheat !
Reganomics stuff ?

Well, tell us something
we don't know, motherfucker !

It ain't like people
sittin' around, going:

"Really does it suck ?
I didn't know that."

That's some scarey shit,
Reganomics man.

Shit's changing though,
we got black politicians now.

Who's that boy, um...
Harold Washington ?

Harold Washington said:
"Fuck it !"

And won.

I know he's still
sitting around going:

"I really won the
motherfucker ?!"

Jesse Jackson seen
that shit and said:

"Fuck it, I'm gonna run too,
fuck it"

"Jesse you can win"
After, your brothers going.

"You can win Jesse, coz you're bigger than
motherfucking Harold Washington."

"Fuck Harold Washington."

"Fuck him man,
run for president."

And Jesse going:
"Yeah, fuck that shit."

I seen Jesse in the gym, working
the fuck out too, for getting in shape.

You know if he win the...

You know he got a chance, he can win.
White dudes like to do shit like that.

Vote for the wrong
dude as a goof.

They get drunk and shit and I say:
"Let's vote for Jesse Jackson !"

"I just voted for Jesse Jackson !"

The next day they'd be like this:
"He fuckin' won ?!"

Jesse knows that shit can happen.
He get's in shape.

I've seen him run
around the track and shit.

I said: "Why the fuck you
getting in shape like this ?"

He says: " 'Cos I'm gonna
be the first black president."

"I have to give
speeches like this:"

"My fellow Americans !
As your president I feel,"

"that we the people,
should get together and join hands"

"and watch these
motherfuckers back here,"

"because I don't think they're
too happy about this shit."

And dude be going:

"He won't stand still !"

I ain't racist...

I ain't hooked up into
all that racism shit.

My motto is,
life is just...

be happy with the motherfuckers.

I ain't into all that racism shit.

Racism ain't as bad as it
used to be anyway man...

I mean its fucked up but,

They don't call niggers,
niggers no more and shit.

White people don't say it.

Especially when there's niggas around.
So I guess I wouldn't know it.

I went to Texas though looking for racism,
about two months ago.

I had a show down in Texas,
got off the plane and shit,

walked up looking for racism.

My friends always told me:

"You better not go to Texas !
They'll fuck you up !"

And when a modern day brother
hear that shit he'd be like this:

"What !
They ain't fucking nobody up!"

Brothers act like they couldn't have
been slaves back 200 years ago.

It ain't like the
motherfuckers liked that shit.

"I wish I was a slave;
I would fuck somebody up !"

"Shit..tell me to bale
some motherfucking cotton."

"I would have been
on the street and shit.."

"He would came up and say:
' Ey yo nigger, bale this cotton !' ."

"I woulda said:
' Suck my dick master!' ."

"Suck my motherfucking dick."

"That's right,
I ain't baling no motherfucker."

The first dude that got
off the boat said that shit.

"Bale that cotton."

"Fuck you, motherfucker !"

Other motherfuckers say:

"We'll bale the shit,
just keep that shit away."

"Just keep that fuckin'
shit away from me."

I got off the motherfucking plane,
walked up.

Got up, walked up my bag.

All my black shit on, black leather,
big ass medallion and shit on like this.

Little white dude walk up and said:
"This your bag?"

I said:
"Yes, it's my fuckin' bag !"

"Why, motherfucker ?"

"A black man can't
have a suitcase ?"

And the dude is like:
"What the fuck's wrong with this guy ?"

It wasn't that bad at all.

I'm winded.

I'm out of breath.

I'm sweating and shit.

"- Do take it off!"
"- Shut up, bitch!!"

Y'all didn't know I
was a ventriloquist too.

Shit ain't as bad as it used to be.

You know who get it real bad now?
Chinese people.

They're the only ones
be getting fucked over bad.

You be teasin' them and shit.

Ever go into a restaurant
and order up some food.

And Chinese dude would be in there,
and when he leave you go like this:

Everybody makes fun of the Chinese when
they order some food up and shit.

And they nice guys,
be all courteous and shit.

Your friends and
shit be laughing.

And he look out the back and say:
"The food is coming right up."

Thank you!
"- The food is coming right up."

He be in the back watching us going:
"Yes, very funny."

"Very funny."

"Make a special Won-Ton soup for him..."

I wonder if they have like,
a McDonald's in China ?

The Chinese people would
be walking in and saying:

"Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake,
a large order fry and a cherry pie."

And the dude say, uh:
"Big Mac, strawberry shake,"

"large order of fries, a cherry pie,
coming right up."

And when they leave,
Chinese people go:

"Big Mac and a large order
of fries and a cherry pie."

That's a fucked up language too, Chinese.
Hard to learn.

I wanna learn to speak spanish.
That's the shit.

Do you know what I'd
really like to speak?

I'd like to learn how to speak French,
'cos that's some cool shit, French.

You could say "I gotta shit" in French
and it would sound good:

"Ohn de sne voi du zhare,
poo-poo."

"Whaan haun."

Just sounds good man.

I don't like that shit that Arabic.

That the motherfuckers
be speaking in the 7-11.

That shit's fucked for me.

It sounds nasty and shit,
would be getting all this:

"Hakim ni ha ha...."

That's a word in Arabic.
That means some shit to them !

They be walking a field:

"Could I have a hamburger cheese hero ?"

"Never mind, man."

"I don't want no hakana on my bread,
motherfucker, that's all !"

Spanish language.

You know why I want to
learn how to speak Spanish?

Coz I was always a
Ricky Ricardo buff.

When he would get mad
of Lucy and be saying: ...

I'd be:
"Go on Ricky, curse the bitch out."

Ricky would lose his mind.
Ricky was cool and shit.

For the fifties Desi Arnaz,
Ricky Ricardo was a cool motherfucker.

He had his baggies on, pointed shoes,
in the club Babaloo and shit.

♪"My hearts on the carriage,
it's for hire, señora."♪

♪"For yes, as long as
you desire, señorita."♪

♪"We're going to ride, forget the
mañana and come to Havana with me."♪

Remember that shit?

You be sittin' there like this:

He had a cool ass laugh too,
it was like:

" Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaa
Ha Ha Ha, Haaaaaaaaa."

"It's justa ridiculous !"

"Hey, Fred !"

"How would you
like to fuck me up the ass ?"

TV is all screwed...
Any kids here ?

I mean, little kids.

I know lot's of people bring
their little kids down here.

How old are you, man ?
How old ?

9. Oh, you're gonna be fucked up
when you leave.

"Dad !
What's a dick, what is that ?"

How old is the other girl,
right there ?

Oh, y'all fucked up now !

Y'all thought I would
be going like this:

Ok and all that shit, right ?

You didn't know I'd be saying:
"Our dick is this big !"

The kid's gonna be
waking up like this:

"A negro's dick's
coming to get me mom !"

I'mma tell you all a little joke
you all can tell in school,

all right,
'cos I've been telling the dirty stuff.

Ok?

Here's a little joke for you all.
Y'all can listen to it too.

I know lots of times people
see my show, then go to work

and try to tell my act and fuck
my jokes up on the job and shit.

"...and then he said guni gugu !"

"And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!"

"Hey, hey, hey, I'm Mr. T !
I'll rip your cock off with my ass !"

And dude be standing going:
"Yeah, that's very funny shit, right..."

Here's a joke you can tell at school,
when school starts.

Everybody be quiet now.
Are you listening guys ?

A bear and a rabbit
are takin' a shit in the woods.

And the bear turns
to the rabbit and says:

"Excuse me, you have problems
with shit sticking to your fur ?"

And the rabbit says:
"No."

So the bear wiped
his ass with the rabbit.

I like that joke.

Oh, shit !
Anybody got cable ?

I've been watching a lot of
cable lately 'cos I'm so mad at...

The only good show on TV
now is Star Trek.

That's some good shit !

I like Captain Kirk and shit,
Captain Kirk will fuck anybody !

I've seen him beam
down on a planet.

Ever seen that epidode he
fucked this green bitch?

You gotta be a horny motherfucker
to fuck a green bitch !

I mean, I ain't no racist,
but if the bitch is green

there's something
wrong with the pussy!

He be fucking a mutant and going:

♪"Dah dah dah da....
boom boom boom..."♪

Ship be gettin' all fucked up.

Mr Scott, I like him.
He made me laugh, he never cool and shit.

He's the opposite of Spock.

The ship be all fucked up
and Mr. Scott would say:

"Captain, the ship can't
take much more of this sir."

"She's about to blow !"

"Let Spock handle it."

Then Spock say:
"Mr Scott, why don't you take the

phasers and point them
at the dylithium crystals

and point them phasers at them
and then use the power from the phasers

to regenerate the dylithium crystals
and we can get out on impulse power."

"Mr Spock !
It just might work sir !"

"The shit worked last week,
motherfucker !"

I got fed up with TV and shit,
coz I seen all the Star Treks.

I started watching cable.

I was watching
Poltergeist last month.

I got a question.

Why don't white people just leave the house
when there's a ghost in the house ?

Y'all stay in the
house too fuckin' long.

Get the fuck out of the house !

Very simple: If there's a ghost
in the house, get the fuck out !

And not only did they stay
in the motherfucking house

and the poltergeist,
they invite more white people over !

Sitting around going: "Our daughter
Carroll-Ann's in the television set."

I would have been gone.

If I had a daughter,
I'd be down to the precinct and say:

"Look man, I went home
and my fucking daughter's

in the TV set and
I just fucking left."

"You can have all this shit.
I ain't going back to the motherfucker now."

"I just came down so when
she ain't at the school you"

"don't think I killed the bitch,
or nothing like that."

"But she is inside the TV set,
you can have all that shit."

"Thank you."

"Mr. Murphy didn't you
try to save your daughter ?"

"Yeah, I'm a man and shit,
I tried to save her"

"I turned the channel,
the shit didn't work."

"I got the fuck out."

The kid was only
6 years old in the movie,

they couldn't have
been to attached to her.

Leave !

In the Amityville horror the ghost
told them to get out of the house.

White people stayed in there.

Now that's a hint
and a half for your ass.

A ghost say get the fuck out,
I would just tip the fuck out the door!

Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl,
with blood in the toilet.

And said:
"That's peculiar."

I would've been in the house saying:
"Oh baby this is beautiful."

"We got a chandelier hanging up here,
kids outside playing.

Its a beautiful neighbourhood."

"We ain't got nuttin to worry...
I really love it, this is really nice."

"- GET OUT !"
"Too bad we can't stay, baby !"

You know, I wanna say something.
You know like...

I think maybe like 30 years ago
there was a woman that wanted to sing,

a black lady wanted to sing opera...

What was her name ?

Mary Anderson? And this place was like
segregated and she couldn't sing here.

And she couldn't
sing in the place.

And here we are,
like not even 50 years later,

A 22 year old black male on
stage getting paid to hold his dick.

God bless America !

I gotta go now.
Y'all take it easy, bye bye !