Original subtitles

I MISS MY HUSBAND, ROBERT.

OH, WELL, I'M VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

ROBERT WAS, LIKE, THE CHEAPEST MAN ON EARTH.

OH.

MAN DID NOT LIKE TO SPEND A DIME ON ANYTHING.

HE REALLY DIDN'T.

HE WOULD SNEAK STUFF INTO MOVIE THEATERS,

AND IF HE HAD KNOWN ABOUT THIS TRICK,

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TAKE A LOT MORE STUFF A LOT OF PLACE.

OH, NO, PLEASE DON'T OPEN THAT.

NO, NO, NO. I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS ISN'T A DEAD BODY.

THIS IS HOW I SNEAK MY SNACKS IN.

OH, YOU LI-- OKAY.

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE SOMETHING TO KEEP ME WARM THIS MORNING.

MY KIND OF LADY. OKAY.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

YEAH. AFTER THAT, I THINK I WOULD.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME I SHOULD STUFF MY PANTS.

HYAH!

A LITTLE LOWER DOWN THERE.

OH, YEAH! WORK IT!

ARE YOU BEING BAD?

OH, HELLO, THERE.

I WAS JUST TRYING OUT THIS NEW ANTI-AGING CREAM.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO TAKE YEARS OFF YOUR FACE.

WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?

YOU SHOULD SEE WHERE I'M GONNA PUT IT NEXT.

YOUNG MAN, EXCUSE ME.

WE'VE GOT A NEW ORDINANCE...OKAY.

...ABOUT FACIAL HAIR.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO EITHER HAVE IT SHAVEN OFF

WITHIN 24 HOURS OR I CAN GIVE YOU THIS OPTION.

WHOA.

- I THINK I'M GOOD. - YOU THINK YOU'RE GOOD?

WELL, WHEN YOU SAY THAT, DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE GONNA SHAVE IT?

UH...

WELL, OKAY. IF YOU'RE GONNA BE IN THIS AREA...

I COULD GIVE YOU A CITATION.

- REALLY? - YEAH. IT'S A NEW ORDINANCE.

- OKAY. - OKAY?

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

HI. HI, THERE.

- HI. - HEY.

DO YOU KNOW HOW FRAGILE YOUR PHONE IS?

HUH? IT'S PRETTY FRAGILE.

OH, TITANIUM CASE? OKAY.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU...

HOW ABOUT THIS CASE FOR YOUR PHONE?

THAT IS AWESOME.

ONLY $800, AND I'M NOT EVEN MAKING ANY PROFIT ON IT.

$800?$800.

DO YOU NOT WANT TO BUY ONE?

- NO, PROBABLY NOT. - OH, LOTS OF LUCK. OKAY.

BUT I HOPE YOU SELL LOTS OF THEM.

WELL, YEAH. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HOPE THAT YOUR PHONE BREAKS IN A MILLION PIECES.

THAT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY. TAKE CARE.

- I APPRECIATE IT. - YEAH.

THE PRICE WILL PROBABLY GO UP.

IT MIGHT.

♪ OOH, GIRL ♪

OOH. OH, MAN.

OH, GOSH.

HOW YOU GUYS DOING?

OH.

WELL, YOU GOT SOME GOOD LUNCH, THERE, HUH?

I KNOW. I'M HUNGRY, TOO.

I AM HUNGRY FOR A LITTLE MEAT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T MEAN TO BE CRUDE, BUT IT'S THE TRUTH.

WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF A THREE-WAY?

NO, THANK YOU.

HEY, I MEAN A FOUR-WAY.

HUH? HUH? YOU SURE?

I'M SURE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I CAN CATCH SOME ACTION SOMEWHERE ELSE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ALL RIGHTY.

HAVE A GOOD ONE.

OH! LET'S SEE.

I HEAR THAT THE COOLEST THING THAT ONE COULD DO FOR YOUNG GUYS

IS TO WEAR THEIR HATS BACKWARDS -- THEIR HATS.

BACKWARDS?

YOU KNOW -- DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

THEY DO DO THAT, YES.

- I MEAN, DO GIRLS LIKE THAT? - YEAH.

AND I FEEL COOL AS HELL.

YOU SHOULD.

OKAY. TAKE CARE. GOODBYE.

Man: GOD BLESS YOU.

YIPPEE!

THIS IS AMAZING.

I LOOK 85 YEARS YOUNGER.

I'VE ALWAYS FANTASIZED ABOUT TURNING BACK THE CLOCK.

NOW THAT THIS WISH HAS COME TRUE,

I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING TO REALLY MAKE IT COUNT --

FIND ALL MY EX-BOYFRIENDS

AND SHOW THEM WHAT THEY MISSED OUT ON.

EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU JUST HELP ME OPEN THIS BOX?

OH. OH.

OKAY. OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I JUST BOUGHT THIS FROM RUSSIA,

AND I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

OH.

OH! OH!

THANK YOU!

MY NEW HUSBAND! THANK YOU!

IT'S SO COLD IN MOSCOW!

YES! YES! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OH, YOU'RE GONNA BE SO HAPPY HERE.

EXCUSE ME, COULD I ASK YOU BOTH A QUESTION?

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE EXPERTISE IN THINGS,

AND I WAS IN THE BAR LAST NIGHT, AND I MET THIS GIRL,

AND SHE GAVE ME HER PHONE NUMBER.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

HOW LONG SHOULD A GUY WAIT BEFORE HE CALLS HER BACK?

GIVE IT ONE DAY.

ONE -- ONE D-- WHAT?

SHE'S CALLING.

HELLO? YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT NEARBY?

YOU'RE -- YOU'RE KIDDING ME. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

HEY! HEY! IT'S YOU!

I SHOULD HAVE WAITED TO CALL YOU,

BUT I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH YOU LAST NIGHT.

AND THIS IS KIND OF FORWARD,

BUT DO YOU WANT TO COME TO MY PLACE RIGHT NOW?

OH, ARE YOU KIDDING? OF COURSE I WOULD!

OH, THANK YOU SO -- THANK YOU, GIRLS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THIS IS AMAZING.

IT'S UNCANNY, REALLY.

I FINALLY LOOK LIKE MY ONLINE-DATING PROFILE PIC.

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?

OH, SORRY, NO, SIR. YOU DON'T?

WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME ANYWAY.

I'VE GOT MY GRANDSON WHO I'M RAISING,

AND HIS PARENTS ARE NOT AROUND,

AND IT'S TIME TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK TO TELL HIM.

I DON'T KNOW, SIR. I WAS HOPING, MAYBE...

UNFORTUNATELY -- YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE NO KIDS.

WELL, HERE HE IS.

MAYBE YOU COULD JUST TELL HIM A COUPLE OF THINGS,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL...

ARE YOU GONNA TEACH ME ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES?

TEACH YOU ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES?

DUDE, IF YOU DON'T LEARN THAT BY NOW...

I --OKAY, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD SEX, IT'S FANTASTIC,

BUT YOU GOT TO MAKE SURE YOU PUT ON A CONDOM.

AND IF YOU GET AN ERECTION, YOU PUT IT ON THERE,

SO THAT'S WHAT YOU GOT TO DO.

YOU GOT TO GET AN ERECTION AND PUT IT ON THERE.

SO, THAT'S WHAT FOREPLAY IS?

UH...

- HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? - GOOD. AND YOU?

I'M GOOD. I JUST LOVE THIS MALL.

DON'T YOU? - I WORK HERE.

- YOU DO? - YEAH.

WELL, THAT MEANS YOU HAVE A JOB. THAT'S GREAT.

I'VE GOT THIS FRIEND -- DENISE.

I THINK YOU WOULD BE PERFECT FOR HER.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU MAY CHANGE YOUR MIND.

SO, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU HER PHONE NUMBER.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

I'M SURE YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED IF YOU CALL HER.

AND I DON'T THINK YOUR BOYFRIEND WILL BE DISAPPOINTED, EITHER.

I THINK THE THREE OF YOU COULD HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME TOGETHER.

OKAY.

WHOA.

OH. HERE'S THE PIZZA YOU ORDERED.

- MNH-MNH. - YEAH.

THIS SAYS "BLACK OVERCOAT."

"TEXTING, PURSE WITH A RIBBON HANGING FROM IT."

IT'S GOT TO BE YOU. IT'S ALL WRITTEN DOWN ON HERE.

I HAD A LITTLE BIT JUST BEFORE I WENT INTO THE PORTA-POTTY,

AND IT REALLY RAN RIGHT THROUGH ME,

SO IF YOU WANT TO STAY THIN, THIS IS YOUR BEST BET.

DELICIOUS.

♪ OOH ♪

EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

I'M KIND OF NEW AROUND HERE.

DO YOU KNOW A GOOD PLACE TO EAT?

Woman: WE DON'T KNOW. WE'RE NOT FROM HERE EITHER.

I DON'T WANT TO BE FORWARD,

BUT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN ME FOR DINNER.

OH, MY GOSH, SORRY TO INTERRUPT,

BUT ARE YOU LEEROY FROM JENKINS OIL -- THE TYCOON?

- YES, I AM, LITTLE LADY. - OH, MY GOD.

WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME FOR DINNER?

UH, YEAH.

OH. HERE'S $20,000.

GO BUY YOURSELF SOME NICE THINGS.

I'LL SEE YOU BACK HERE.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

SORRY. YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE. MAYBE NEXT TIME.

Betty: THIS IS FANTASTIC.

I'VE FINALLY GOT THE BODY OF A 25-YEAR-OLD,

WITH THE WISDOM AND EXPERIENCE OF A 90-YEAR-OLD.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

I NEED TO INVEST IN A HIGH-YIELD,

LOW-RISK I.R.A. ACCOUNT

THAT WILL ALLOW ME TO RETIRE EARLY -- IN 30 YEARS.

JUST KIDDING.

VEGAS!

DO YOU GOT IT? DO YOU GOT IT?

I THINK SO. I THINK SO.

WE GOT IT! WE GOT IT! WE GOT IT! WE GOT IT!

BRING IT UP, BRING IT UP.

I GOT IT. I --

OH, MY GOD! SHE'S CALLING THE COPS!

OH, NICE.

EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU HOLD A DOOR FOR AN OLD LADY?

JUST TAKE A SECOND. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

CHIVALRY ISN'T DEAD. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

OH, KEEP HOLDING IT! KEEP HOLDING IT!

EXCUSE ME.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY OUR GOURMET ANIMAL CRACKERS?

OH, SAMPLES? YES, YES, YES.

13 CRACKERS, 100 CALORIES.

AREN'T THEY DELICIOUS?

- TASTES LIKE ANIMAL CRACKERS. - YES.

SO, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY FOR THAT?

MM? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY FOR THAT?

OH, I'M --CASH OR CREDIT CARD?

NO, I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT.

THEY'RE NOT FREE SAMPLES. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE TO GO ON MY BREAK,

SO WHY DON'T YOU WATCH THIS TABLE WHILE I'M ON MY BREAK,

- AND WE'LL BE EVEN? - YOU WANT ME TO JUST SIT THERE AND WORK FOR YOU?

JUST SIT DOWN. NO PROBLEM.

COME ON. LET'S GO SHOW THE BOYS DOWN AT THE CLUB.

SHOULD BE PLAY A FEW HOLES WHILE WE'RE THERE?

NOT THE GOLF CLUB, THE NIGHT CLUB.

I'M NOT GONNA WASTE THIS HOTNESS ON THOSE GEEZERS.

OH, IS THIS YOURS? YEAH.

CAN I SIT HERE? YEAH.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NO, JUST -- THAT'S OKAY. GREAT.

ALL RIGHT.

WOW.

YOU HAVE ON SOME VERY NICE COLOGNE.

IT'S A PERFUME? GREAT.

YOU KNOW, IT REMINDS OF MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND THAT I EVER HAD.

I WAS ONLY 23 YEARS OLD.

IT WAS PARIS.

I MET HER, AND -- I MET HER IN THIS WHOREHOUSE.

IT WAS TERRIBLE, BUT SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS --

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY PRETTY.

SHE WAS GOOD, THOUGH. LET ME TELL YOU.

IT WAS REALLY QUITE WONDERFUL.

WHAT IS THE COLOGNE, AGAIN?

OKAY. THANKS A LOT.

Woman: EXCUSE ME.

MY GIRLFRIEND IS VISITING HERE, AND SHE'S SO SHY.

I PROMISED HER I WOULD INTRODUCE HER TO A HOT GUY

IF SHE CAME TO THE BEACH WITH ME TODAY.

OKAY. IS SHE SWEET?

SHE'S AN OLD SOUL, OKAY?

- YEAH, WELL, AREN'T WE ALL? - HER NAME IS GERTRUDE,

AND SHE JUST DRESSES A LITTLE OLD, YOU KNOW?

- ALL RIGHT. - SO, YOU'RE UNATTACHED AND...?

WELL, I MEAN -- YEAH, I PRACTICE NON-ATTACHMENT.

I THINK YOU HAVE COMMITMENT ISSUES.

HI...

Woman: OH, GERTIE, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YEAH. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

YOU'RE A LITTLE OLD FOR ME.

I'M JUST CHECKING.

ARE YOU HAVING SEX MORE THAN TWICE A WEEK?

NO, SIR. NO?

WELL, WE RECOMMEND THAT YOU DO,

BECAUSE IT'S GOOD FOR THE ENDORPHINS.

THANK YOU.

OKAY?

MAYBE TWO OR THREE TIMES A DAY, IF POSSIBLE.

YEAH.

♪ WHAT YOU'RE MISSING ♪

♪ LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE MISSING, BABY ♪

HI.

HOW'S YOUR LIFE GOING?

GOOD.

MY LIFE IS CRAZY.

I'VE TAKEN SO MUCH MONEY FROM SO MANY PEOPLE,

BUT THE JIG IS UP.

UM, I-I'M -- I'D LIKE TO GET A NOTE TO MY DAUGHTER.

I WAS WONDERING, WOULD YOU --

WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE THIS TO HER?

I-I-I'D BETTER GO NOW.

IF I DON'T GO NOW, I-I-I'M GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

♪ HELLO, HELLO, HELLO ♪

I BLEW OFF WORK TODAY.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO WORK, BUT I TOLD MY BOSS

I WAS MEETING MY BOYFRIEND FROM OUT OF TOWN.

I JUST SAW HIM GETTING OFF THE TRAIN.

HE MUST HAVE COME IN TO WORK LATE TODAY.

COULD YOU JUST PRETEND LIKE YOU KNOW ME?

I'M SORRY. I'M ACTUALLY IN A RUSH.

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. I'M SORRY.

- Man: HELEN! - OH, THAT'S HIM.

- HELEN! - IT'LL JUST TAKE A SECOND. THAT'S HIM. THAT'S HIM.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

YES! MY!

LISTENS, IS THIS THE YOUNG MAN?

THIS IS HIM. ISN'T HE CUTE?

OH, MAN, LISTEN, I GOT TO TELL YOU,

THIS IS REMARKABLE, BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT

THAT SHE'D END UP WITH A GUY AS YOUNG AND HANDSOME AS YOU.

- WELL, THANK YOU. - I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

LISTEN, YOU WATCH YOURSELVES, OKAY?

'CAUSE THIS IS REALLY TROUBLE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

SURE. ARE YOU BUSY?

UH, YEAH. I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO MEET A FRIEND RIGHT NOW.

MAYBE THE THREE OF US...

HAVE DRINKS FOR LUNCH OR SOMETHING?

UH...I'M GOOD.

I'VE GOT TO GO TAKE THIS BODY OUT FOR A SPIN,

SHE WHAT SHE CAN DO.

SERIOUSLY, I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO DRIVE SINCE 1999.

CAN I BOTHER YOU A MINUTE?

I TOOK OFF FROM WORK TODAY,

AND MY DAMN BOSS SAID I NEEDED A NOTE FROM THE DOCTOR.

I STOLE THESE FROM THE DOCTOR.

WOULD YOU SAY, "EXCUSE ANNE," AND SIGN THIS FOR ME?

YOU'D REALLY BE HELPING ME.

OH, BLESS YOU.

AND A BIG "DOCTOR."

- OH, THAT'S PERFECT. - THERE YOU GO.

YOU MADE MY DAY. THANK YOU.

I WISH I HAD SOMEBODY DO THAT FOR ME SOMETIMES.

YOU'RE A LOVE.

THANK YOU.

I'M GONNA SHOP.

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

"WORLD'S BEST GRANDMA."

Woman: THAT'S CUTE, YEAH.

I HAVE THE SWEETEST GRANDKIDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

I'M JUST SO PROUD OF THIS. I LOVE IT.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT IS THAT YOU HAVE, THERE?

MY "BEST GRANDMOTHER" CUP.

NO, MY GRANDCHILDREN GAVE ME A MUG

THAT SAID "BEST GRANDMOTHER."

NO, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE BEST GRANDMOTHER.

NO, I'M THE --

NO.

WHAT A BITCH!

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

♪ OH, LOOK AT ME ♪

♪ I'M WINNING, I'M WINNING ♪

MISS. SURE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE YOU A CITATION.

OH. WHY? FOR TAKING SELFIES.

I DIDN'T TAKE A PICTURE OF MYSELF.

WELL, WE HAVE IT ON A SECURITY CAMERA.

SINCE WHEN IS THERE A SELFIE CITATION?

BECAUSE THE CARS ARE THE STARS, NOT YOU.

SEE YOU IN COURT.

OH.

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?

- IT'S GOOD. - OH. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO FULLERTON.

I'M REALLY NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

- MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY. - OH. I'M SORRY.

THIS WAS HIS FAVORITE PLACE.

HE WOULD COME HERE, SIT ALL DAY,

AND SCOPE OUT BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

HE WAS A DOG.

SO, WHAT I THOUGHT I'D DO IS COME HERE WITH HIS ASHES

AND SPRAY A LITTLE ON ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN THAT I SAW.

MAY I PUT A FEW ASHES ON YOU?

UM...I DON'T -- I'M OKAY. NO. SORRY.

WELL...

HE LOVED HOOKERS.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GET ONE, SO...ANYWAY...

IT'S REALLY A COMPLIMENT.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M -- I'M -- I LOST MY VOICE,

AND MY HUSBAND'S SUPPOSED TO BE COMING UP HERE.

I THINK I SAW HIM GO BEHIND THOSE TREES.

COULD YOU YELL OUT "JAMES"?

JAMES!

YELL "HOT STUFF."

HE KNOWS THAT'S WHAT I CALL HIM, IF YOU YELL "HOT STUFF."

YEAH, HE'LL KNOW IT'S ME CALLING HIM.

HOT STUFF!

LOUDER. A LITTLE LOUDER.

HOT STUFF!!

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

I'LL GO DOWN THERE.

IF YOU SEE AN OLDER GENTLEMAN -- HE'S GOT ON RUNNING CLOTHES.

THANK YOU.

♪ OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

SO, YOU KNOW HOW I'M DOING MY BUCKET LIST --

THINGS I'M GONNA DO BEFORE I DIE?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WELL, ONE THING I NEED IS A YOGA MAT.

OH, YEAH? SO I WAS WONDERING

IF THIS YOUNG MAN WOULDN'T BE WILLING

TO LET ME HAVE HIS YOGA MAT...

FOR MY BUCKET LIST, BEFORE I DIE.

BUCKET LIST? YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

- YEAH. - YEAH.

I WANTED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A YOGA MAT, YOU KNOW?

I COULD BUY ONE, BUT TO FEEL, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, THAT UNIVERSAL-LOVE THING

BEFORE I GO OFF INTO THE GREAT BEYOND

AND TO GET ONE FROM SOMEONE'S HEART...

YEAH.

...IT'S GONNA JUST REALLY MAKE MY HEART WARM.

MAN, I APPRECIATE IT!

THANKS A MILLION!

BOY!

IT'S OFF THE LIST!

WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW FOR TONIGHT,

BUT BEFORE WE GO,

IT'S TIME FOR BETTY WHITE'S PEARLS OF WISDOM.

IF I'VE LEARNED ANYTHING DURING MY 90 YEARS ON THIS EARTH,

IT'S THIS -- NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS.

SHARE ALL YOUR TOYS.

NEVER USE A FACE CREAM THAT PROMISES TO LEAVE YOUR FACE

SO SMOOTH YOU'LL HAVE THE SKIN OF A YOUNG GIRL AGAIN.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS ISN'T A DEAD BODY.

THIS IS HOW I SNEAK MY SNACKS IN.

OH, YOU LI--

OH! OH!

I HOPE THAT YOUR PHONE BREAKS IN A MILLION PIECES.

THAT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY.

SO, THAT'S WHAT FOREPLAY IS?

UH...

YOU MAY CHANGE YOUR MIND.

WHAT THE JUST HAPPENED?