Original subtitles

CAN YOU HOLD THIS A SECOND?

OH, SURE.

THANK YOU. I'M TRYING TO CHECK MY MESSAGES.

MY GRANDSON GOT HIS REPORT CARD TODAY.

OH, MY GOD.

HE MADE ALL C's.

OH.

AAH!

HE DOESN'T DESERVE THREE BALLOONS.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME I SHOULD STUFF MY PANTS.

HYAH!

A LITTLE LOWER DOWN THERE.

OH, YEAH! WORK IT!

I'M A SECRET SHOPPER.

ARE YOU BEING BAD?

Man: YOU'RE ALL SET, BETTY.

I REPLACED THE CABLE AND REINFORCED IT FOR YOU,

SO HOPEFULLY THOSE RATS, OR WHATEVER IT WAS,

CAN'T CHEW THROUGH IT LIKE IT DID THE LAST SIX TIMES.

THANK YOU, DEAR.

UH, I'LL CALL YOU IF I HAVE ANY MORE PROBLEMS.

OKAY.

PESKY RODENTS.

I'M GONNA GET MARRIED, SO I WROTE THIS SPEECH.

WOULD YOU MIND, LIKE, READING IT TO ME

SO I CAN HEAR WHAT IT SAYS?

OKAY.

"DOROTHY, I LOVE YOU.

"I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU.

"I'M SORRY ABOUT THE AFFAIRS,

THE ORGIES, THE --"

WHAT'S THAT?

METH.

"...USE, EVERYTHING.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW.

IF I SAID THIS TO YOU, WOULD YOU MARRY ME?

PROBABLY NOT.

OH.

OH, YOU HAVE EGGS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'D LIKE TO TRADE YOU FOR THEM.

I'LL TAKE YOURS, AND I'LL GIVE YOU THIS.

AND -- AND -- AND WE CAN, YOU KNOW, JUST MAKE A TRADE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MISS.

SORRY TO SAY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO WRITE YOU UP.

WHY?

WELL, YOU'VE BEEN OBSERVED TAKING SNAPCHATS.

BUT WHERE HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

JUST GIVE THAT TO THE JUDGE

AND EXPLAIN THAT YOU DID NOT DO IT.

IT'S AN $800 FINE, AND --

BUT -- BUT, SIR, I HAVEN'T --

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO SNAPCHATS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PICTURE,

AND YOU TELL ME THAT YOU DIDN'T TAKE THIS PICTURE?

YEAH. OKAY.

DID YOU NOT SEND THIS PICTURE?

NO, NO, NO.

NO WAY. I'M A VIRGIN.

VIRGINS CAN TAKE PICTURES.

NO, BUT CAN -- CAN YOU LOOK AT MY PHONE?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE --

IT'S EXHIBIT "A." THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TELL IT TO THE JUDGE.

BUT SERIOUSLY...

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO CALL FOR BACKUP, DO YOU?

ALL RIGHT, SEND IN THE VICE SQUAD.

Man: COPY THAT.

VICE SQUAD EN ROUTE.

SHE'S WEARING A BLUE JACKET.

YOU GOT EYES ON HER?

WE GOT EYES.

OKAY.

Betty: I'VE HAD A LOT OF INTERESTING PROPOSALS IN MY DAY.

I'VE ALSO HAD A LOT OF GUYS ASK TO MARRY ME.

SO, I KIND OF CONSIDER MYSELF AN EXPERT

ON HOW TO GET YOUR GUY TO PROPOSE.

YOU CAN GO THE WAY OF THE ULTIMATUM.

YOU COULD DROP SUBTLE HINTS.

OR YOU COULD TRY TO GET IN GOOD WITH HIS PARENTS.

AND IF HE'S STILL NOT GETTING DOWN ON ONE KNEE,

YOU COULD ALWAYS BUY THE RING, GET YOURSELF SOME FLOWERS,

FORGE HIS HANDWRITING ON A NOTE, GET HIM REAL DRUNK,

AND WHEN HE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING, SAY, "YES."

EXCUSE ME. YES.

I'M WITH THE INTERNET STREET-VIEW TEAM,

AND THE CAR'S GONNA BE COMING BY

TAKING PICTURES OF THE BUILDINGS ANY SECOND NOW.

COULD I GET YOU TO JUST POSE FOR THE CAMERA?

IT'LL ONLY TAKE A SECOND. I PROMISE YOU.

IF YOU JUST STAND RIGHT HERE. RIGHT HERE?

YEAH, THAT'S PERFECT.

NOW, I NEED YOU TO POSE LIKE YOU'RE

ONE OF THE VENICE BODYBUILDERS, YOU KNOW?

OH, STRONG!

SQUAT A LITTLE BIT. YEAH, PERFECT.

IT'LL BE HERE IN TWO SECONDS. I PROMISE YOU.

♪ TELL ME WHERE ♪

♪ WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS? ♪

♪ TELL ME WHEN ♪

♪ WILL THIS ALL END? ♪

♪ PLEASE DO NOT PRETEND ♪

♪ TO BE ALL BY YOURSELF ♪

♪ ALL BY YOURSELF ♪

Man: WHOA.

HELLO?

HEY. I'M IN UNION STATION, YEAH.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO?

GUY IN A GREEN JACKET?

WITH BLUE JEANS?

TAN BOOTS?

EATING SOMETHING?

I THINK THE GUY'S RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

HEY.

THEY WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

HELLO?

HELLO?

♪ TELL ME WHERE ♪

♪ WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS? ♪

HELLO?

WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO START A COOKING TUTORIAL.

SO, FIRST, YOU'RE GONNA TAKE IT OUT OF THE BOX,

AND THEN SET THE MICROWAVE TO FOUR MINUTES.

I'M EVEN MORE CLUELESS THAN SHE IS.

OH, MY GOD.

EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU DO ME -- DO ME A FAVOR?

I JUST BOUGHT A CANDY BAR AT THE DRUGSTORE...

UH-HUH...AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE I WASN'T OVERCHARGED.

COULD YOU JUST HOLD THAT FOR ME?

I'M TRYING TO FIND THIS THING, AND I CAN'T FIND IT.

IT'S SO WEIRD. I KNOW IT'S ON HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT -- WHERE THE HECK?

OH, OH. THANKS.

JUST HANG ON TO IT FOR ME. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH! HERE IT IS.

I'M GOOD.

WHY DO THEY MAKE THESE THINGS SO LONG, HUH?

- I DON'T KNOW. - ISN'T IT CRAZY? CRAZY.

HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO?

YOU NEED SOME HELP, SIR?

YES, ACTUALLY, I WENT TO A TATTOO PARLOR,

AND I -- AND I BOUGHT A TATTOO OF AN EAGLE.

UH-HUH.

I JUST WANTED TO CHECK -- WOULD YOU CHECK IT OUT?

WHAT DO YOU -- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH, IT ISN'T EXACTLY AN EAGLE.

REALLY?

YEAH.

- WHAT KIND OF BIRD IS IT? - UH...

- IT'S JUST SOME LETTERING. - LETTERING?

- YEAH. - SO, WHAT DOES IT SAY?

DOES YOUR NAME HAPPEN TO BE RICHARD?

THAT'S AMAZING!

YOU LOOKED AT A PICTURE OF AN EAGLE,

AND YOU COULD TELL THAT MY NAME WAS RICHARD?

YEAH, I GUESS SO. WOW!

AND I THOUGHT BLIND PEOPLE HAD A SIXTH SENSE.

YOU'RE AMAZING.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- HAVE A GOOD ONE. - OKAY.

I'M WITH THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT.

CAN I ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS?

THIS IS A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT SURVEY.

WE'RE HOPING THAT IT WILL SAVE LIVES.

ARE YOU AN INNIE OR AN OUTIE?

ARE YOU AN INNIE OR AN OUTIE?

YEAH.

INNIE.

OUTIE. OUTIE. OKAY, GREAT.

TELL ME, ARE YOU AN INNIE OR AN OUTIE?

WHAT IS THIS EXACTLY FOR?

LET ME JUST TAKE A QUICK PICTURE OF IT.

- JUST LIFT IT UP REAL FAST. - THAT'S OKAY.

I'LL SHOW YOU MINE IF YOU'LL SHOW ME YOURS.

- YEAH? - I JUST NEED TO CONFIRM.

OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

WONDERFUL. OH, THAT'S GREAT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HEY, GUYS, THE CITY HAS FLAGGED YOU FOR LOOKS.

I'M SORRY?

AND TO BRING YOU UP TO SNUFF TO HIM,

WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU A FREE MAKEOVER.

'CAUSE HE'S A 10 AND YOU'RE AN 8.

- DO I NEED A MAKEOVER? - OHH, THAT'S CUTE!

- I LOVE THAT! - I LIKE THAT!

YEAH, YOU WORK ON THAT, OKAY?

OH, MY GOD.

I KNOW YOU CAN BE A 10.

Betty: PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY THAT THE FIRST RULE OF REAL ESTATE

IS LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.

BUT FOR ME,

IT'S MORE ABOUT PROXIMITY TO YOUR NEAREST NEIGHBOR.

AFTER ALL, FOR MY WORK,

YOU NEED TO BE CLOSE ENOUGH TO USE THEIR WI-FI SIGNAL.

HEY, ARETHA, WHAT'S THAT

"NO-PANTS BRADLEY COOPER" SITE AGAIN?

EXCUSE ME.

CAN YOU TEXT SOMETHING FOR ME REAL QUICK?

YES.

I CAN'T SEE.

AND I DON'T HAVE MY GLASSES AND THE GLARE...

"I HIT THE TARGET."

"IT'S ELIMINATED."

"GONE."

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

SEND?

SEND. YEAH.

UH, I'D GET RID OF THAT IN ABOUT 30 SECONDS.

THEY'LL BE AFTER YOU.

♪ TELL ME WHERE ♪

♪ WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS? ♪

♪ TELL ME WHEN ♪

♪ WILL THIS ALL END? ♪

♪ PLEASE DO NOT PRETEND ♪

CAN I JUST ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS?

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO DO IT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LADY?

YOU KNOW...DO IT.

UH, WHENEVER I GET THE CHANCE.

WHENEVER YOU GET THE CHANCE. GOOD, GOOD.

AND WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE POSITION?

UH, DOGGY STYLE?

DOGGY STYLE!

YOU'RE THE SECOND DOGGY STYLE TODAY.

MY GOODNESS.

I LIKE DOGGY STYLE.

AND, UM, WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL

ABOUT OLDER WOMEN?

WELL, THE OLDEST I'VE EVER BEEN WITH WAS LIKE 37.

37.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO GO A LITTLE OLDER?

UH...

YEAH, IF I WAS SINGLE.

- OH, YOU'RE NOT SINGLE? - NO.

OH. NEVER MIND.

♪ WHOO! ♪

BEING A GOOD PARENT IS ALL ABOUT BOUNDARIES.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TEACHING MY LITTLE PROTéGé TODAY.

STUDIO CITY IS OKAY,

BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN NORTH OF THE BOULEVARD.

AND IF YOU GO ANY FARTHER EAST THAN HIGHLAND PARK,

YOU CAN KISS YOUR STREET CRED GOODBYE.

HOW DO YOU GET TO THE FREEWAY?

YOU TAKE LAUREL CANYON.

YEAH, WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M SORRY. MY --

THAT'S OKAY.

MY INSTAGRAM IS BLOWING UP.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU WANT THE 101?

- YEAH. - WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO THE 405.

OH, OKAY, YEAH.

SO...

TURN LEFT AT LAUREL CANYON,

WHICH IS THE LIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

I JUST GOT AN EVITE.

DO YOU LIKE TO GO TO PARTIES?

I GOT TO GO, BUT --NO, WAIT A MINUTE. SO, WHAT DO I DO?

TURN LEFT AT LAUREL CANYON --I'M SORRY. WAIT A SECOND.

I'M SORRY. DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

TURN LEFT AT LAUREL CAN--

WAIT A SECOND.

MY GRANDSON JUST SENT ME

THE FUNNIEST PICTURE ON FACEBOOK.

HE'S ADORABLE.

OKAY.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES, WE HAVE A NEW POLICY HERE AT THE MALL.

YOUR TELEPHONES ARE INTERFERING WITH OUR SECURITY SIGNAL,

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO, LIKE THESE OTHER PEOPLE...

Woman: I HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.

...USE THIS PHONE BOOTH.

THEY ARE HIGH-TECH.

JUST SET THEM ON YOUR HEAD,

AND IT WILL HELP US KEEP SECURITY,

AND YOU CAN KEEP YOUR CALL.

MAY I? I'LL JUST SET IT ON YOUR HEAD.

- NO. - YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S 25 CENTS FOR EVERY MINUTE,

AND WHEN YOU GET THROUGH, JUST WAVE AT ME.

I'LL BE OVER IN THE CORNER.

HI, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

UH...

I MADE THIS MYSELF. MY HUSBAND LOVES IT.

AND SO I STARTED MY OWN BUSINESS.

YOU THINK YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR YOUR WIFE WOULD LIKE THAT?

NO?

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED

IN SEEING IT MODELED ON A REAL WOMAN?

REALLY?

KIM, HE SAID NO.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE IT ON YOU.

OH. OKAY.

WELL, TOO BAD.

YOU REALLY MISSED OUT.

♪ OOH-OOH, OH ♪

SIR.

THOSE GLASSES ARE FABULOUS.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO SELL THOSE GLASSES?

I MEAN, FOR THE RIGHT PRICE?

YAMA, WRITE THE MAN A CHECK FOR $1,200.

$1,200? YES. ALL RIGHT.

$1,200. ALL RIGHT.

MAY I SEE THEM FOR A SECOND?

AH!

I LIKE THE FRAMES, BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT,

THEY'RE NOT MY PRESCRIPTION.

VOID THE CHECK, YAMA.

BUT THANK YOU ANYWAY, SIR.

HI, EXCUSE ME, HONEY.

I-I KNOW YOU'RE AT WORK,

AND I KNOW THIS IS A LITTLE BIT AWKWARD,

BUT I'M DATING YOUR EX,

AND I JUST WANTED TO GET YOUR PERMISSION THAT IT'S OKAY.

OH, IT'S OKAY.

OKAY, AND HE ASKED ME TO RETURN THESE TO YOU.

- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ACTUALLY KIND OF NICE. - THANK YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE CALLED YOU A BITCH.

HI, GUYS.

I'M SINGING THIS WEEKEND WITH A GROUP OF LOVELY LADIES.

WE SING IN HARMONY. YOU'LL LOVE THE MUSIC.

IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

WE'RE CALLED WAGON.

AND YOU CAN COME AND GET WITH US.

PERFECT.

Man: ALL RIGHT!

EXCUSE ME.

- COULD YOU TAKE A COUPLE OF PICTURES OF ME? - OF COURSE.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, IF YOU COULD JUST...

OH, YOU'RE REAL PROFESSIONAL.

HERE, GET ONE LIKE THIS.

OH, NOW, CAN YOU COME AND, LIKE, GET DOWN LOW

AND MAKE ME LOOK REALLY SEXY, YOU KNOW?

OF COURSE. STRIKE THE POSE.

JUST GO WITH IT.

THERE YOU GO.

OKAY. NOW MAYBE FROM UP HERE.

NOW, YOU'VE GOT LONG ARMS, SO LET'S DO THE SELFIE.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT A SELFIE? - YEAH.

ONE MORE.

ONE MORE.

OH!

- THAT'LL MAKE MY BOYFRIEND REAL JEALOUS. - WELL, THERE YOU GO.

"WHO'S THAT GUY?"

SO GIVE ME YOUR E-MAIL,

AND I'LL E-MAIL YOU SOME.

THAT'S OKAY.

- OH, RIGHT HERE? - DO YOU GUYS MIND?

I'M JUST GONNA SET HIM HERE FOR ONE.

I NEED TO RUN TO THE RESTROOM REALLY QUICKLY.

OH, SEE YOU SOON, HUH?

I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- OH. YOU'RE WELCOME. - I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HI. HELLO.

HI.

- ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL? - YES.

EW! THAT'S DISGUSTING!

WHO DID THAT?

SHE DID.

HI.

CAN I TALK TO YOU A SECOND?

MY HUSBAND DIED.

HE WAS A LOUSY GUY.

HE LOVED PRETTY, ATTRACTIVE WOMEN LIKE YOU.

OKAY, THAT SUCKS.

SO, I HAVE HIS ASHES, AND I WANT TO DUMP IT IN THERE.

AND I FELT THAT IF A YOUNG, HOT GIRL LIKE YOU HELPED ME,

I WOULD GET SOME CLOSURE.

- I'M STILL ANGRY. - BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD-LOOKING. - I'M NOT.

- YES, YOU ARE. - I CAN'T DO THIS. I CAN'T.

THIS FEELS WRONG.

- OH, NO. IT'S NOT. - IT IS.

HE BELONGS IN THE GARBAGE.

COME ON. IF YOU JUST --

I CAN'T.

JUST ON THE BOTTOM.

THERE. YEAH.

YEAH.

THERE YOU GO, YOU S.O.B.!

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

EXCUSE -- EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

IS THIS THE FRONT OF THE LINE?

THANK YOU.

SUCKERS!

EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

I LEFT MY GLASSES AT HOME,

AND MY FRIEND JESS SENT ME SOME PICTURES.

COULD YOU DESCRIBE THEM TO ME? WOULD YOU MIND DOING THAT?

- YEAH. - OH, GREAT. OKAY.

I THINK IT'S THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

IT'S SOME GUY WITH BOOTY SHORTS AND BOOTS.

- OH, MY GOD. REALLY? - YEAH.

OH, THAT'S HILARIOUS.

THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE. I GUESS I CAN SWIPE IT THIS WAY.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS?

IT'S A GUY IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR, LIKE, NAKED.

HE'S NAKED? OH, MY GOD!

OH, I KNOW WHAT -- THAT'S MICHAEL.

OH, THAT'S HILARIOUS. I'M GONNA GO HOOK UP WITH HIM RIGHT NOW.

LISTEN, IF YOU EVER WANT TO SNAPCHAT WITH ME,

I LOVE TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

Man: AND NOW "BETTY WHITE'S PEARLS OF WISDOM."

EVEN IF YOU LOVE WHAT YOU DO, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE A HOBBY.

IT INVIGORATES THE MIND.

OF COURSE, ALL MY HOBBIES INVIGORATE THE BODY.

YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS.

♪ TELL ME WHERE ♪

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

♪ WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS? ♪

♪ TELL ME WHEN ♪

♪ WILL THIS ALL END? ♪

♪ PLEASE DO NOT PRETEND ♪

♪ TO BE ALL BY YOURSELF ♪