Original subtitles

OH! OH!

THAT'S MY DINNER!

SOMEBODY TOLD ME I SHOULD STUFF MY PANTS.

HYAH!

A LITTLE LOWER DOWN THERE.

OH, YEAH! WORK IT!

ARE YOU BEING BAD?

SOMEONE ASKED ME IF I FELT GUILTY

ABOUT PREYING ON THE YOUNG AND INNOCENT

FOR THE SAKE OF ENTERTAINMENT.

BOY, DID I HAVE A GOOD LAUGH.

GUYS!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A SCAVENGER HUNT?

- YES. - WE ARE ON ONE.

AND WE NEED A PICTURE OF SOMEONE TWERKING.

- WOULD YOU TWERK FOR US? - YES, PREFERABLY A HOT GUY,

SO COULD YOU, LIKE, DO A LITTLE BOOTY DANCE FOR US?

- ONCE WE GET THE PICTURE, WE'RE DONE WITH THE EVENT. - THEN WE'RE DONE.

OKAY. OKAY.

OH, BEAUTIFUL! SHAKE THAT BAD BOOTY, BABY!

- WHOO! SO GOOD. - GOOD.

- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. - I LOVE THAT.

- HE'S GOOD. - YEAH.

- THANK YOU. - BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE A SWEETHEART.

SUCKER.

YOU KNOW, DON'T THEY HAVE SOME OTHER SIZES OF THIS?

UM...YEAH. THEY SHOULD HAVE A HIP FLASK.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T NEED IT ALL.

OH.

REALLY? THAT'S PERFECT.

- THAT'S PERFECT. THANK YOU. - OKAY.

COULD YOU HELP ME ONE MINUTE, PLEASE?

I'M BABYSITTING MY GRANDDAUGHTER.

COULD YOU TAKE A LOOK AND SEE IF SHE'S ALL RIGHT?

SHE'S BEEN VERY, VERY QUIET.

JUST TAKE A LOOK.

JUST -- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

HUH?

THE BABY'S OKAY?

NO BABY THERE?

OH! MY DAUGHTER'S GONNA KILL ME.

LET ME TELL YOU, LADIES --

MY BOYFRIEND MADE ME RIDE THE TRAIN IN

JUST TO BREAK UP WITH ME.

- NO! - DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

SO, I WANT TO GET EVEN WITH HIM.

HE SENT ME THESE PICTURES,

SO I'M JUST GONNA SHOW IT TO PEOPLE AROUND HERE.

- OKAY. - OKAY, SO IF YOU SEE HIM,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT...OH!

- ...HE IS JUST SCUM. - OKAY.

- HE'S JUST HORRIBLE. - I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO SEE IT.

IF YOU SEE HIM -- SCUM!

STAY AWAY FROM HIM. HE'S NOT WORTH IT.

EXCUSE ME, DEAR. YOUR HANDS...

ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.

I'M A HAND-MODEL AGENT. CAN I SEE YOUR HANDS?

SURE.

CAN YOU DO THIS FOR ME.

I THINK WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOU.

THIS COULD BE VERY LUCRATIVE. ARE YOU INTERESTED?

YEAH?

- JUST IMAGINE YOU'RE IN A COMMERCIAL. - MM-HMM.

- PUT A LITTLE OF THAT ON. - YES.

NOW JUST SLOWLY WORK THEM --

THIS COULD BE GOOD.

OKAY. WAVE LIKE IF YOU WERE A QUEEN OR A PRINCESS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WAVING TO THE CROWD.

THIS IS REALLY GOOD. I'M TELLING YOU.

SO ARE YOU LEFT OR RIGHT HANDED? RIGHT.

DANG.

WHY COULDN'T YOU BE LEFT HANDED?!

GOD. LISTEN, I'M AROUND HERE.

IF ANYTHING CHANGES, LET ME KNOW, OKAY?

SIR, SIR, SIR. LISTEN, THEY'RE AFTER ME.

AND I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME, BUT THE CODE IS "THE EAGLE IS FLYING."

REMEMBER THAT. THE EAGLE IS FLYING. REMEMBER THAT CODE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EXCUSE ME.

I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO US.

THE EAGLE IS FLYING?

THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU HAVE HELPED IN THE DESTRUCTION OF CANADA.

THERE'S BEEN A BIG BACKLASH LATELY ABOUT THE WIDESPREAD USE

OF PHOTOSHOP AND MAKEUP TRICKS AMONG CELEBRITIES AND MODELS.

SO I THOUGHT I'D TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY

TO DISPEL THE MYTH

AND GO TOTALLY MAKEUP-FREE ON YouTube.

I'M GONNA TAKE ALL THIS OFF.

SO, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WELL, THIS IS ME, WARTS AND ALL.

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ O-O-O-O-OH ♪

HAVE YOU READ THIS BOOK?

NO.

YOU KNOW, I HOPE IT DOESN'T HAVE A SAD ENDING.

I REALLY HATE SAD ENDINGS.

PERFECT. NO MORE SAD ENDINGS.

OH, I HATE SAD BEGINNINGS, TOO.

HERE. ENJOY IT.

I LIKE THE PERFECT MIDDLE.

EXCUSE ME. HAVE YOU SEEN ANOTHER GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE ON?

NOPE. NO?

MICHAEL, I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYWHERE.

THIS INVISIBILITY THING IS REALLY WORKING.

LISTEN, YOU OUGHT TO --

- OH, MIKE! NO! - LOU! LOU! IT WORKS!

IT WORKED. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

- YOUR PANTS DIDN'T COME BACK. - OH, MY GOD.

IT ONLY HALF-WORKED!

THANK YOU. SURE.

MM-HMM.

DO YOU MIND GOING A LITTLE SLOWER?

OH.

I DIDN'T CATCH HOW YOU SPELLED THAT LAST WORD.

OKAY.

I'M WITH THE NSA, YOU KNOW?

AND, UH, OUR SYSTEMS ARE DOWN,

SO I HAD TO GO OLD-SCHOOL TODAY

AND DO EVERYTHING LONG-HAND.

WHEW.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. - ALL RIGHT.

I'M TEACHING MY LITTLE PROTéGé HERE

THE ONE THING EVERY GIRL NEEDS TO KNOW IN THIS TOWN.

GO AHEAD, DEAR.

NO, MR. HEFNER. I'M TOO OLD FOR YOU!

I'M SO PROUD.

HI, GUYS. HAPPY HOUR IS ABOUT OVER RIGHT NOW.

UM, BUT --

- SO, WE'RE GONNA SWITCH OUT WAITRESSES. - OKAY.

- BUT I'LL SEND HER RIGHT OUT. - GREAT. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HI, GUYS. HI!

- I'M GONNA BE YOUR WAITRESS. - GREAT!

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THE SPECIAL ARE FOR TODAY?

- UH, SURE. WHAT ARE THEY? - SURE.

"SPECIAL."

I'LL GIVE YOU A MINUTE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

THAT WAS ODD.

HOW ARE YOU? GOOD.

YOU KNOW, TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY.

- IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY? - YEAH.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. HOW OLD ARE YOU?

WELL, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MILESTONE BIRTHDAYS.

LIKE WHEN YOU'RE 16,

YOU GET YOUR FIRST DRIVER'S LICENSE.

AND WHEN YOU'RE 21, YOU GET YOUR FIRST LEGAL DRINK.

- OH, OKAY. - THIS IS MY 69th BIRTHDAY.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T HAVE ANYBODY TO CELEBRATE MY 69th BIRTHDAY WITH.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO CELEBRATE MY 69th BIRTHDAY WITH ME?

OH, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I WON'T TELL HER.

SO, THAT'S A "YES"?

THIS IS AWKWARD.

- YOU GONNA THINK ABOUT IT? - OKAY.

I'LL BE BACK RIGHT AFTER I GET MY REFILL.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR TO ME.

OH.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? JAMIE.

I'M ELAINE GIBSON.

MY HUSBAND WAS MARTY. UH-HUH.

DO YOU REMEMBER MARTY? NO.

I SAW PICTURES OF YOU IN HIS ALBUM.

HE PASSED AWAY. OH.

YOU LOOK LIKE HIS GIRLFRIEND. YOU DON'T REMEMBER? NO.

BECAUSE HE LEFT HIS MISTRESS $2 MILLION.

OH! THAT'S NOT ME. YEAH, REALLY.

I WISH I HAD THAT MONEY, BUT NO.

IT'S NOT YOU?

I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU. BYE!

MISS, CAN I TALK TO YOU, PLEASE?

I WANT TO CHECK YOU OFF.

I HAVE TO CLEAR ALL THE DOGS THAT ARE COMING INTO THE PARK.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - YEAH. IT'S A CELEBRITY EVENT TODAY.

- CAN I HAVE YOUR NAME? - UH, SARAH.

- THAT'S THE DOG'S NAME? - OH, NO. CINDERELLY.

CINDERELLY? UH-HUH.

I GOT A CUDDLES. I GOT A CURLY.

- CINDERELLA, I HAVE. - THAT WORKS.

NO, THAT'S A GREAT DANE ON MY LIST.

YOURS IS, WHAT, A, UH...POMERANIAN.

OKAY. I'M GONNA SEE WHAT I CAN DO. HANG ON.

YEAH, I GOT A POMERANIAN NAMED CINDERELLY.

I KNOW IT'S A RIDICULOUS NAME.

WOULD YOU PLEASE CHECK AND SEE IF THEY KNOW WHO IT IS?

OKAY. YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON THE LIST. - OKAY.

WHEN YOU GET UP TO THE TOP OF THE HILL,

THE RED CARPET IS TO THE LEFT.

EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU HELP ME FOR A SECOND?

OH...

I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT IT'S GOOD.

YEAH. OKAY. CAN YOU JUST HOLD THAT FOR ME FOR ONE SECOND?

YOU KNOW, THESE THINGS ARE SO HARD TO OPEN.

OH, WAIT. YEAH. THIS IS PERFECT.

OKAY. CAN YOU OPEN THAT FOR ME?

YEAH, YEAH. IT'S -- IT'LL BE GOOD. IT'LL BE GOOD.

OH. OH, WOW. OKAY.

CAN YOU HOLD THIS FOR ME WHILE I CLOSE IT?

THIS IS PERFECT. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

OKAY, WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.

CAN I GET YOU TO SIGN MY PETITION

TO LOWER THE COST OF HEARING AIDS?

YES, I CAN. YES, MA'AM. WHAT?

- I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T HEAR YOU. WHAT? - YES, MA'AM. YES.

YES, MA'AM.

OKAY, MAYBE TRY THIS EAR.

YES, MA'AM.

YES. YES.

YES. WE WILL SIGN IT.

WHAT? YES, MA'AM!

OKAY, COULD YOU SPEAK A LITTLE BIT LOUDER?

YOU REALLY NEED TO SPEAK UP A LITTLE BIT. I DON'T WANT TO YELL AT YOU.

- YES! - YES!

OH, OH.

I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU SIGNING THIS FOR ME.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T HEAR YOU. WHAT?

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OKAY. THIS IS THE GOOD EAR.

- WHAT DID YOU SAY? - YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT?

BYE!

♪ OOOH ♪

♪ HELLO, HELLO, HELLO ♪

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION. ARE MY EYES RED?

NO, ACTUALLY. NOT RED.

I'M ON BREAK. I WORK ACROSS THE STREET,

AND IF MY BOSS SEES ME WITH RED EYES,

HE'LL MAKE ME TAKE A DRUG TEST.

THEY LOOK A LITTLE PINK, BUT NOT SO BAD.

I'LL FAIL THAT TE-- AND I HAVE THE MUNCHIES SO BAD!

THAT ALWAYS CURES MY MUNCHIES. DOES IT?

- OH, YEAH. - I'M HEADED THERE NOW.

YOUR LEFT EYE. AND OTHER THAN THAT, YOU'RE GOOD.

MY LEFT EYE. OKAY, THANK YOU.

COULD YOU HELP ME FOR JUST FIVE SECONDS?

- WHAT'S IN IT? - IT FELL OFF MY TRUCK, AND IT WAS FRAGILE.

AND IT'S KIND OF --

YOU KNOW? SO, I'M JUST TRYING TO GLUE IT UP HERE.

YEAH. THAT SHOULD BE GOOD.

I DON'T THINK...

YEAH, IT'LL -- IT'LL DRY UP, AND IT'LL BE TIGHT.

I THINK SO. YOU THINK IT'LL BE BACK TO NORMAL?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. APPRECIATE IT. ALL RIGHT.

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

OH, HI, EVERYONE.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO READ ANOTHER FAN LETTER.

"BETTY, YOU'RE EVERYWHERE THESE DAYS.

DO YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT OVEREXPOSURE?"

OF COURSE.

BUT I ALWAYS WEAR SPF 50.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CITE YOU FOR TAKING SELFIES.

YOU CAN TAKE PICTURES OF THE CARS

BECAUSE THE CARS ARE THE STARS HERE TODAY.

BUT YOU CANNOT TAKE PICTURES OF YOURSELF.

- I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T TAKE MYSELF. - RIGHT.

THAT'S A CAR. THAT'S A CAR.

I CAN SEE...

IN THE REFLECTION IN THAT WINDOW

OF YOU TAKING A PICTURE OF YOURSELF.

YOU SEE THAT?

THAT IS EXHIBIT "A"

WHEN I SEE YOU IN COURT.

I DIDN'T TAKE ME.

WE HAVE IT ON THE SECURITY CAMERA, SO...

WHAT?

WE HAVE IT ON SECURITY CAMERAS. WE HAVE -- ALL RIGHT.

I'M NOT GONNA ARGUE WITH YOU, SIR. I'M GONNA REQUEST BACKUP.

BACKUP. REQUESTING BACKUP.

I HAVE A HOSTILE NARCISSIST HERE REFUSING TO COOPERATE.

ETA one minute.

STAY RIGHT HERE.

THANK YOU.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY DOG? THE NAME IS YAMA.

WHITE HAIR, BROWN EYES.

YAMA!

HERE, DOG! HERE, YAMA!

OH. YAMA! OH, WHERE WERE YOU, YOU BAD THING?

OH, MY GOD. WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE. YAMA!

SLOW DOWN!

NO, NO! SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN!

SLOW DOWN!

- EXCUSE ME, LADIES. - HI.

I JUST PICKED THIS UP FROM MY POST OFFICE BOX.

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND HELP ME OPEN IT UP

AND I CAN TAKE THE STUFF OUT?

- YEAH. HERE. - I HAVE KEYS.

- IT'S FROM MY BOYFRIEND. - AWW!

OKAY. THERE'S ONE MORE BOX HERE. OH, MY GOD.

THERE'S ONE MORE BOX.

MY BOYFRIEND -- HE'S SO NICE.

THERE'S ONE MORE BOX.

I THINK WE'RE GETTING CLOSE.

ONE MORE BOX.

THERE'S ONE MORE BOX.

- ALL RIGHT. - ONE MORE.

THERE'S ANOTHER BOX.

- OH, MY GOD. - THERE YOU GO.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD!

- I GOT TO GO TELL MY GIRLFRIEND! - OH, MY GOSH!

WILL YOU GUYS RECYCLE THESE FOR ME, PLEASE?!

YES! GO!

- CONGRATULATIONS! - THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

SHE'S SO EXCITED!

WHAT?! OH, MY GOD. I KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE I WAS A PART OF THAT.

HI.

CAN I -- CAN I -- CAN YOU GIVE ME HAND,

BECAUSE I NEED TO GO GO THE BATHROOM,

AND I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME TO WATCH.

YES. CAN YOU? JUST TWO SECONDS.

NO. IT'S MY BOYFRIEND.

LIKE TWO SECONDS. YOU CAN SIT, AND...

NO. I AM SORRY.

CAN YOU, PLEASE? THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

- ALL RIGHT. HOW YOU DOING, MAN? - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I WILL BE BACK.

- HI, I'M JAMAL. - HI. HI, THERE.

SIR, CAN YOU -- CAN YOU HELP ME?

SHE WANTS TO DO IT THREE, FOUR TIMES A DAY,

AND IT GETS A LITTLE TIRING FOR ME

BECAUSE I'M JUST GETTING TOO OLD.

I WANT YOUR -- I JUST WONDER IF YOU COULD --

IF YOU MAYBE TAKE OVER AND DO WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING

WITH HER FOR, YOU KNOW, THREE AND FOUR TIMES A DAY.

MAYBE, YOU KNOW, JUST HELP SATISFY HER, BECAUSE

SHE REALLY -- YOU KNOW, SHE JUST, UH --

YOU DON'T MIND, DUDE? THAT'S YOUR -- THAT'S YOUR RELATIONSHIP, MAN.

UH, JUST -- YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

YOU KNOW, THINGS CHANGE, SORT OF.

NOW, PLEASE HELP ME, HUH? PLEASE, HELP ME.

I'M BACK!

OH, HI. HOW YOU DOING?

UH... AGAIN?

HUH? WELL, WE --ARE YOU TRY TO LEAVE ME FOR OTHER GUY?

NO. NO, I'M NOT. NO, I'M NOT.

I-I-I JUST WAS TALKING TO THIS NICE GENTLEMAN.

I MEAN, HE SEEMS TO BE VERY SYMPATHETIC.

OH, MY GOD. HE'S TOO YOUNG FOR ME. YOU KNOW THAT!

OH, SWEETHEART, I KNOW. BUT -- BUT, UH...

- NO, COME ON. LET'S GO. - OH, YOU GUYS...

THANKS A LOT, SIR. THANKS A LOT.

LET ME TELL YOU...

NO.

I'VE BEEN GIVING PARKING TICKETS FOR 45 YEARS,

BUT TODAY'S MY LAST DAY, SO --

THEY SAID PUT A DIME IN THE MACHINE WHEN YOU LEAVE.

- IF YOU'RE GOING IN FOR A MINUTE, IT'S A DIME. - YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S MY LAST DAY. YOU GUYS ARE SO NICE.

I'M GONNA -- I'M NOT GONNA USE THESE ANYMORE.

WHAT IS THIS? IT'S A ONE-DAY HANDICAP PARK THING.

- OH, MY GOODNESS. - OH, MY GOSH.

- YEAH. GO AHEAD. - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HAVE A GOOD DAY. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR CAREER.

LISTEN, DO ME A FAVOR -- JUST TO COVER ME,

WHEN YOU WALK AWAY, JUST GIVE A LITTLE LIMP.

I CAN DO THAT. KEYSER SOZE. - OKAY.

JUST A LITTLE BIT. COME ON. THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER.

AND NOW, "BETTY WHITE'S PEARLS OF WISDOM."

IF YOU'RE IN THE CAR

AND REALLY NEED TO MAKE CONTACT WITH SOMEONE,

PLEASE DON'T EVER TEXT AND DRIVE.

I FIND IT'S FAR MORE EFFECTIVE TO JUST RUN INTO THEM.

WHOO!

OH! OH!

THAT'S MY DINNER!

- IT WORKED! - IT ONLY HALF-WORKED!

.