Original subtitles

EXCUSE ME.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO WORK TODAY,

AND I JUST KIND OF BLEW IT OFF 'CAUSE I WANTED TO GO SHOPPING.

AND I SAW MY BOSS GETTING OFF THE TRAIN,

AND I TOLD HIM I WAS MEETING MY BOYFRIEND FROM OUT OF TOWN.

Man: HELEN?

JUST PRETEND LIKE YOU KNOW ME, OKAY?

HELEN.

FANCY MEETING YOU HERE.

I KNOW.

IS THIS THE YOUNG MAN?

Y-YES. WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR A WHILE.

A WHILE.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU. YEAH, YEAH.

YOU'RE SOMETHING ELSE.

AND HE IS REALLY GOOD IN BED.

SHE'S A YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

THIS IS A REALLY SPECIAL THING, OKAY?

HE'S SO SWEET.

Okay.

SO, UH, ARE YOU BUSY?

NO, MA'AM.

OH, OKAY. YOU WANT TO GO HAVE A DRINK?

AS A FRIENDLY DRINK? WELL, NO.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT COULD LEAD TO A LITTLE BIT MORE.

OH, NO, MA'AM.

YOU SURE?

I LIKE 'EM YOUNG.

JUST A DRINK? AT MY PLACE.

YEAH, MY PLACE.

HI.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

COMPLIMENTS OF THAT LOVELY WOMAN.

BRIEFS, BOXERS, OR COMMANDO?

AS YOU GET OLDER,

ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS TO GO IS YOUR HEARING.

BETTY, CAN YOU GIVE ME A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT NEXT WEEK?

BETTY?

ACTUALLY, HEARING IS THE SECOND THING TO GO.

THE FIRST THING TO GO

IS GIVING YOUR FRIENDS A LIFT TO THE AIRPORT.

EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU,

BUT WE'RE HAVING A PROBLEM

WITH PEOPLE USING CELLPHONES IN THE MALL,

AND IT'S DISRUPTING OUR SIGNALS FOR SECURITY.

SO JUST LIKE SOME OF THESE OTHER FOLKS --

YOU CAN SEE THIS YOUNG LADY RIGHT HERE --

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU

TO USE THE PERSONALIZED PHONE BOOTHS THAT WE SUPPLY.

AND YOU CAN CONTINUE YOUR CALL.

OH.

NOW, I GOT TO TELL YOU THAT IT'LL BE 25 CENTS A MINUTE,

JUST LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS.

YEAH, 25 CENTS A MINUTE.

WHENEVER YOU GET THROUGH, JUST WAVE AT ME.

I'LL BE OVER ON THE SIDE.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

MISS? COULD YOU GIVE US A HAND, PLEASE.

Woman: OKAY.

WE NEED A LITTLE HELP.

WHAT A NICE DOG.

WE NEED TO LIFT THIS UP

AND TAKE IT OVER BY THE SAND, IF IT'S POSSIBLE.

- WHAT IS THIS? - UH...

JUST A LITTLE -- JUST A LITTLE HELP.

IT'S A LITTLE HEAVIER THAN WE EXPECTED.

WHAT A NICE DOG. I'LL HOLD ON TO IT.

GOOD DOGGIE.

- GOOD DOGGIE. - OKAY.

WHAT IS THIS?

SOME GARBAGE, YOU KNOW, REALLY.

THIS IS GOOD, DARLIN'.RIGHT HERE?

THANK YOU.

KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, YOUNG LADY.

YOU KNOW, YOU MATCH THE DESCRIPTION OF A GUY

WHO'S BEEN SENDING LEWD PICTURES,

SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO WRITE YOU UP.

YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?

JOKING? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M JOKING?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE EVIDENCE?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU TELL ME THAT'S NOT YOU?

NO.

THAT BIG DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU?

NO.

SO YOURS IS SMALLER?

ALL RIGHT.

EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU HELP ME FOR ONE SECOND?

SURE, NO PROBLEM.

THIS DATING SERVICE THAT I HIRED

SENT ME THIS 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE.

CAN YOU SEE HER?

I SURE CAN.

DO YOU MIND DESCRIBING HER FOR ME?

SHE'S BLONDE.

YEAH, YEAH. AND IS SHE 25?

SHE'S PROBABLY IN HER 60s.

HUH?

SHE'S PROBABLY IN HER 60s.

MICHAEL, COME, COME, COME, COME, COME.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. - LET'S GO TO ANOTHER ONE DOWN THE BLOCK.

OH.

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME,

"BETTY, HOW DO YOU BECOME A GREAT ACTRESS?"

SO I TELL THEM THE TRUTH.

ACTING IS ALL ABOUT HONESTY.

IF YOU CAN FAKE THAT, YOU'VE GOT IT MADE.

THERE YOU ARE.

I'M WITH THE INTERNET DELIVERY SERVICE.

YOU REQUESTED HARD COPIES OF YOUR SPAM, SO HERE YOU GO.

DIDN'T YOU EVER GET ON THAT SAID "NIGERIAN MONEY LAUNDERING"?

"HOT LOCAL SINGLES"?

"LOOKING FOR RUSSIAN LADY"?

THIS IS YOU, RIGHT?

OKAY. WELL, THERE YOU GO.

OKAY.

I'LL HAVE ANOTHER BATCH FOR YOU IN THE MORNING.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SEND A TEXT?

- MM-HMM. - IT WOULD HELP ME OUT,

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MY GLASSES.

SURE. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

THIS IS GRANDPA. OKAY.

I JUST CAME BACK FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

GOT IT. GOT IT.

MY SKIN RASH IS...

MM-HMM.

...CONTAGIOUS.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SPELL "CONTAGIOUS"?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR PHONE

IF YOUR SKIN RASH IS CONTAGIOUS.

OH. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YEAH, SURE. OH, OKAY.

RACHEL FROM GEORGIA WRITES,

"BETTY, IT SEEMS LIKE

"YOU'RE THE HARDEST-WORKING WOMAN IN SHOWBIZ.

WHAT DO YOU DO TO GET A LITTLE R&R?"

WELL, RACHEL, I DO ALL SORTS OF THINGS TO REST AND RELAX --

SKYDIVING, TRIATHLONS, SPELUNKING

BUT WHEN I REALLY WANT TO RELAX,

I JUST PUT MY FEET UP AND DO HEADSTANDS

UNTIL MY ARMS COLLAPSE.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

WE'RE COLLECTING MONEY

FOR ST. BONO'S CATHOLIC CHURCH.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DONATE?

UH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT JUST COLLECTING MONEY.

WE'RE COLLECTING CATHOLICS.

OUR CONGREGATION HAS TO BE UP TO 100

OR WE'RE GOING TO GET CLOSED.

SO, LET'S BAPTIZE YOU AS A CATHOLIC RIGHT NOW.

FATHER?

IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER AND THE SON

AND ALL THOSE OTHER GUYS,

YOU ARE NOW BOTH CATHOLICS.

AND REMEMBER, NO PROTECTION AND COME TO CONFESSION.

HERE YOU ARE.

- OH, THANK YOU, MY DEAR. - OH, GOD BLESS YOU.

THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. - THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW TO GET TO PALMDALE FROM HERE?

UH, YEAH.

YOU GO SOUTH --

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OKAY, YEAH, GO SOUTH.

GO SOUTH ON THE 5, AND THEN YOU CONNECT WITH THE --

OH, WAIT.

I KEEP GETTING THESE TEXT MESSAGES.

OKAY. WAIT, OKAY. UM...

OKAY. OKAY.

- YOU WERE SAYING? - SOUTH ON THE 5, CONNECT --

SOUTH ON THE 5.

SO HOW DO I GET TO THE 5 FROM THERE?

IT'S RIGHT DOWN --

- THIS WAY? WOW. - THIS STREET RIGHT HERE.

OKAY, OKAY.

UM, OKAY, YEAH. WHAT?

AND THEN YOU --

OH, MY GOD.

MY BUDDY JUST SENT ME A FUNNY JOKE.

UM...

WAIT, HOW DO I GET THERE?

I GO DOWN ON THE 5?

AND CONNECT WITH THE 14th.

WAIT, WAIT.

EXCUSE ME. YOU GUYS HAD THE COFFEE?

SOMEHOW, WE HAD A SITUATION

WHERE SOME TOILET-BOWL CLEANER ENDED UP IN THE SYSTEM.

DO YOU FEEL OKAY? YOU OKAY?

SO, ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL REPLACE IT, OKAY?

BUT IF YOU FEEL FINE...

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

HI.

I'M GRANDMA DENISE FROM GRANDMA-GRAM,

AND YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ARRANGED FOR YOU TO GET GRANDMA-GRAM!

FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO GIVE YOU

YOUR FAVORITE HOMEMADE APPLE PIE.

AND I KNITTED YOU A SWEATER.

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE SO CUTE AND LITTLE,

AND NOW YOU'VE JUST GROWN UP AND SO HANDSOME.

YOU'RE JUST A WONDERFUL GRANDSON.

THANK YOU.

SO, DID YOU ENJOY THE GRANDMA EXPERIENCE?

YEAH, I GUESS.

OH, GOOD, GOOD.

UM, NO, I WANTED A TIP.

IT'S CUSTOMARY TO GIVE A TIP.

STINGY

HI, THERE. I WAS JUST TEACHING MY LITTLE PROTéGé

ABOUT ETIQUETTE ON SET.

HOW DO YOU ADDRESS THE DIRECTOR?

"GENIUS."

AND WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR JOB?

TO FIND THE LIGHT.

AND WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN THEY ASK HOW OLD YOU ARE?

"UP YOURS."

ATTAGIRL!

I THINK THIS IS OUR AREA RIGHT HERE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET IT.

IS THIS SOMEBODY'S BAG? OH, THANKS.

OH, WHOA.

TODAY'S MEETING IS JUST ABOUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT WE DID LAST WEEK

AND WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO NEXT WEEK.

HOW ARE THE NUMBERS LOOKING?

THE NUMBERS ARE 4-9-1-2, AND THAT CORRESPONDS

WITH THE ONES THAT YOU HAD FROM LAST WEEK,

WHICH IS 6-2-7.

YOU KNOW, I LEFT MY PENCIL AT HOME.

DO YOU HAVE A PEN?

WELL, THE NUMBERS ARE GONNA CHANGE EVERY MARKET.

I DON'T WANT TO JUST SAY THE NUMBERS OUT LOUD.

- WE HAPPENED TO BOOK THIS. - WE RESERVED THIS AREA.

YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T SEE THE SIGN.

I GUESS IT IS KIND AWKWARD, BUT...

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS ABOUT ME,

BUT I'M A BIG BELIEVER IN METHOD ACTING.

I HAVE A NEW ROLE WITH A HOT NEW CO-STAR

THAT I NEED TO REHEARSE FOR,

SO I BROUGHT JUSTIN IN TO RUN LINES WITH ME.

GO AHEAD, DEAR.

I'VE FALLEN, AND I CAN'T GET UP.

AND THEN WE KISS.

THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT.

DIDN'T I ALSO MENTION THAT I'M A DEVOTEE OF IMPROV?

EXCUSE ME.

HAVE YOU TRIED THESE BEFORE?

I HAVE NOT.

HAVE YOU TRIED THEM BEFORE?

UH, YEAH. MY PARENTS USED TO BUY THE BAGS OF THOSE.

OKAY. WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE KIND OF EXPENSIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET GRANDMA TEACH YOU A TRICK.

NOW THEY'RE HALF-OFF.

THOSE ARE GORGEOUS BOOTS.

OH, THANK YOU.

DO YOU GET GOOD SUPPORT FROM THEM?

THEY'RE KIND OF GOOD SUPPORT.

BUT THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU, YES. THEY ARE NICE.

BUT THEY'RE NOT THE MOST COMFORTABLE.

WELL, I'LL SHOW YOU MINE.

THESE DON'T SUPPORT MY BACK, EITHER.

I LOVE THOSE.

WONDERFUL.

THEY SUPPORT MY LIFESTYLE.

DO YOU DANCE?

YEAH.

THAT'S THE BEST. I STARTED TO DANCE, TOO.

IT'S AWESOME.

AWESOME. GOOD FOR YOU.

EXCUSE ME, YOUNG MAN,

CAN I ASK YOU A MAN QUESTION REAL QUICK?

EXCUSE ME. THIS IS MEN TALK.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

IS SHE SINGLE?

IS SHE WHAT? IS SHE SINGLE?

NO, SHE'S MY FIANCéE.

YOUR FIANCéE? YES, SIR.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

YOU LOOK LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER.

NO, NO, SHE'S MY FIANCéE.

WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, IT'S WORKING.

- THANK YOU. - OKAY?

COME ON, BABY.

PLAY ON, PLAYER.

CAN I ASK YOU A MAN QUESTION? IS SHE SINGLE?

WHO?

- HER. SHE SINGLE? - SHE'S A LESBIAN.

NO.

HI. HI.

TODAY IS OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.

50 YEARS.

- WOW. - WE'RE STILL HAPPY.

THAT'S AWESOME.

YOU KNOW WHAT OUR SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE IS?

WHAT? WHAT?

LISTENING TO EACH OTHER.

BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER.

OH, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT TO TAKE THIS, OKAY?

I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW, HONEY.

WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE A COUPLE OF LOVEBIRDS.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, PART OF KEEPING THAT SPARK ALIVE

IS HOOKING UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

VARIETY'S THE SPICE OF LIFE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? NO?

WHAT ABOUT...YOU KNOW, ALL OF US HOOKING UP?

IS THAT A "NO"?

OKAY, WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.

- WHAT HAPPENED? - THEY'RE A NO-GO, HONEY.

OH. THAT'S OKAY. WE'LL FIND SOMEBODY ELSE. OKAY?

YOU WORK OUT A LOT, I CAN TELL.

HOW MUCH DO YOU BENCH?

250.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT,

BUT I BENCH BETWEEN 250 AND 300.

I BENCH EVERY DAY.

I DEFINITELY HAVE SAT ON 300 BENCHES.

IN FACT, I THINK -- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA GO BENCH RIGHT NOW.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

SEE YOU LATER, BRO.

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN. COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

I'M CHECKING OUT THIS TABLE,

AND I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME.

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND TAKE THESE

AND JUST PLACE THEM ON THE END OF THE TABLE,

KIND OF MAKE A TRIANGLE WITH THEM?

I WANT TO MAKE SURE IT'S THE PERFECT TABLE FOR ME,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YEAH, JUST KIND OF A TRIANGLE, RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE.

YEAH.

OH, WAIT, THAT IS NOT REGULATION.

I'LL BE DRINKING BEER ALL NIGHT.

I CAN'T USE THIS.

EXCUSE ME. HI.

I'VE BEEN HAVING A ROUGH DAY TODAY.

DO YOU KNOW WERE I CAN SCORE SOME WEED?

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYONE? I'M NOT --

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT THE COPS OR ANYTHING.

I'M NOT A NARC.

I'M NOT A NARC.

I BET YOU HAVE SOME ON YOU.

I'M REALLY HAVING A BAD TIME.

I'LL JUST GIVE YOU SOME FOR FREE.

- OH, YOU WOULD? - YEAH.

OH, MY GOD.

BLESS YOU. OH, THANK YOU.

YOU GOT TO WALK WITH ME.

HI. HI.

- HOW YOU DOING? - GOOD.

I BOUGHT THESE -- THESE X-RAY GLASSES.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SEE PEOPLE WITH JUST THEIR UNDERWEAR.

WHAT?

- I WANT A PAIR. - GIVE THEM TO HIM.

- WHERE DO I LOOK? - LOOK THIS WAY.

YOU SEE ANYTHING?

OH.

- SO THEY DO WORK. - OH, THEY MUST.

- OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL. - HOLY GUACAMOLE.

WHERE DO I GET A PAIR?

I CAN SELL YOU THESE FOR $10.

GOT TO GIVE ME A $10 BILL. I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

I GOT TO GO. TAKE CARE.

MISS, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

THIS IN AN AWKWARD QUESTION, BUT I HAD A BREAST SURGERY.

AND I'M WONDERING, DO THEY LOOK...

EVEN? ...CROOKED?

NOT GONNA LIE. THEY LOOK -- THEY LOOK PRETTY EVEN.

REALLY? YEAH.

I HAVE THIS DATE WITH JESUS LATER.

I WANT TO LOOK WONDERFUL.

OH, DUDE, THAT'S UP,

'CAUSE I HAVE A DATE WITH JESUS, TOO.

- OH, MY GOD! - ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

FANTASTIC.

THAT'S REALLY AWKWARD.

- MAYBE I'LL MEET YOU THERE. - ARE YOU GONNA SEE THERE?

IS THIS LIKE A TRIPLE-DATE THING?

I THINK SO. ALL RIGHT, COOL.

I'LL SEE YOU THERE. ALL RIGHT, BYE.

BYE.

WHAT IS TODAY'S DATE?

THE 23rd.

AND THE YEAR IS?

2014.

HAVE YOU SEEN SARAH CONNOR?

SARAH CONNOR?

SARAH CONNOR.

IF YOU SEE HER, TELL HER I AM LOOKING FOR HER.

AND YOU ARE?

I'LL BE BACK.

EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU HELP ME FOR A SECOND?

NO, COULD YOU PLUG MY PHONE IN FOR ME?

UM, I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S A PLUG NEARBY.

OH, NO. I'M JUST HANGING OUT HERE AT THE BEACH.

OH, ARE YOU SURE?

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME. COULD I ASK YOUR OPINION?

I'M HAVING A HECK OF A TIME.

I HAVE A DATE WITH A GUY.

HE'S SLIGHTLY YOUNGER THAN ME.

AND I WANT YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME, OKAY?

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I LOOK?

I'M GONNA GO 65?

WAIT THERE, OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

NOW HOW OLD DO I LOOK?

I GUESS IT TAKES FIVE YEARS OFF.

GOOD. DON'T -- WE'RE GETTING THERE.

WE'RE GETTING THERE. ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT NOW?

DO I LOOK 35?

GETTING THERE.

WE'RE GETTING THERE? FANTASTIC.

BUT HOW AM I GONNA HAVE SEX FROM THIS DISTANCE?

THAT'S MY ONLY CONCERN.

YEAH, THAT'S A PROBLEM.

NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

THANKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EXCUSE ME. HAVE YOU SEEN A RED SCOOTER?

NO. NO, SORRY.

IF YOU SEE IT, I'LL BE AROUND HERE, OKAY?

THANKS.

OH.

OH.

OH. OH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO IT? GET OFF OF MY SCOOTER, MAN.

COME BACK HERE!

Announcer: AND NOW "BETTY WHITE'S PEARLS OF WISDOM."

WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND A DRIVER CUTS YOU OFF,

IT'S VERY EASY TO FIND YOURSELF IN THE THROES OF ROAD RAGE.

BUT HERE'S A LITTLE TIP I USE

TO GET RID OF THAT FURY IN A HURRY.

JUST PICTURE THE DRIVER NAKED.

AND THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I DON'T DRIVE ANYMORE --

TOO MANY DISTRACTIONS.

BUT, HEY, IF YOU DON'T DRIVE, YOU CAN NEVER GET ROAD RAGE.

MM, MM.

IS SHE 25?

SHE'S PROBABLY IN HER 60s.

SO YOURS IS SMALLER?

YOU WANT TO GO HAVE A DRINK?

I'LL BE BACK.

GET OFF OF MY SCOOTER, MAN.

COULD I ASK YOU A MAN QUESTION?

IS SHE SINGLE? NO.