Original subtitles

HI. CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

- CAN YOU HOLD THAT A SECOND? - SURE.

MY STUPID GRANDSON GAVE ME THAT, AND I JUST HATE IT.

DON'T YOU HATE SCENTED CANDLES?

HI!

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

COMPLIMENTS OF THAT LOVELY WOMAN.

BRIEFS, BOXERS, OR COMMANDO.

MANY ADULTS ARE PURSUING SECOND CAREERS LATER IN LIFE.

I RECENTLY DECIDED THAT I WANTED TO GO DOWN THE PATH

I WOULD HAVE TAKEN HAD I NOT GONE INTO FILM AND TV --

ARTIST.

JUST TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

I THINK I'M GONNA NEED A BIGGER CANVAS.

HI!

I'M ON THE COSTUME COMMITTEE, AND I HAVE TO SAY,

YOU HAVE ONE OF THE MOST REALISTIC COSTUMES

WE'VE SEEN TODAY. I TOLD MY PANEL OF JUDGES

THAT THEY HAVE TO CHECK OUT CAPTAIN NEVER-BEEN-LAID.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU SPENT A LOT OF TIME PUTTING IT TOGETHER.

DID YOU? A LITTLE.

WELL, IT'S A GREAT CHARACTER

AND IT LOOKS WONDERFUL, YOU KNOW?

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

OKAY. OKAY.

HELLO. I'M A SECRET SHOPPER.

Woman: HOW HAS YOUR SHOPPING EXPERIENCE BEEN?

GOOD?

SHH!

IT'S A SECRET.

HI. COULD I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

IF YOU DON'T MIND?

I'M ABOUT TO CHANGE MY NAME BECAUSE OF CERTAIN REASONS,

AND I'D LIKE YOUR OPINION, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

SO, HERE'S THE NAMES I'M THINKING ABOUT.

HOW'S MR. QBALL?

HOW'S THAT?

HOW ABOUT MR. CHROMEDOME?

YOU LIKE THAT ONE?

NO? NO GOOD?

HOW ABOUT DADDY WARBUCKS?

NO GOOD?

NO DADDY WARBUCKS. NO.

I THINK I'M JUST GONNA KEEP MY REGULAR NAME.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

MR. BALDYLOCKS.

HEY, THANKS FOR THE HELP.

YOUR SUGGESTIONS WERE WONDERFUL. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THAT'S GREAT.

Man: EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TEXT A PICTURE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TEXT A PICTURE?

- TEXT A PICTURE? YEAH. - YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I MET THIS GIRL AT A BAR.

AND WE WERE HAVING SO MUCH FUN,

WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE BAR WAS CLOSING.

SO I TEXTED HER THE NEXT DAY... OKAY.

...AND SHE NEVER TEXTED ME BACK.

BUT I WANT TO SEND HER THIS PICTURE.

OH, MY GOSH.

DO YOU THINK THAT'S NOT APPROPRIATE?

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S INAPPROPRIATE.

OH.

I WOULD FEEL... CAN YOU PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME?

YEAH. OKAY. SORRY.

THANK YOU, THOUGH.

Man: OH, HONEY, THANK YOU FOR SUCH A WONDERFUL DAY.

IT'S SO GOOD BEING WITH YOU AND HAVING A GREAT TIME.

THANK YOU. I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN.

HERE, LET ME HAVE YOU SIT DOWN RIGHT HERE.

AND I'M GONNA RUN TO THE RESTROOM.

I'LL BE RIGHT --OH, THANK YOU.

WHOA. AH. OH, IT LOOKS GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU SO MUCH, WALTER.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?

OH, YEAH.

EW. THAT'S DISGUSTING.

WHO -- WHO DID THAT?

HE DID.

THEY SAY YOU CAN TELL EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT A WOMAN

FROM WHAT'S IN HER PURSE.

THAT'S WHY I CARRY NOTHING BUT MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

I WANT TO BE SURE THEY GET ALL THE FACTS STRAIGHT.

EXCUSE ME.

I HAVE DROPPED THIS, AND IT WAS LIKE...

CAN YOU JUST HOLD THIS FOR ONE SECOND?

I AM HOPING THAT I CAN RECTIFY THIS

'CAUSE I'D GET IN ALL THE TROUBLE IN THE WORLD.

I'M JUST GONNA PUT SOME GLUE IN THERE.

I'M THINKING IF I JUST DO THAT

AND I JUST LET IT SET AWHILE, IT'LL ALL BE FINE.

YOU KNOW? THANKS.

APPRECIATE IT.

OH. IT'S YOGA.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST DANGERS CONFRONTING SENIORS TODAY

IS NOT BEING ABLE TO GET HELP IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY.

THAT'S WHY I DEVELOPED BETTY WHITE'S LIFE ALERT.

THIS BUTTON IS FOR WHEN YOU'RE DYING OF HUNGER.

IT CONNECTS YOU DIRECTLY TO PIZZA DELIVERY.

THIS BUTTON IS FOR WHEN YOU'RE DESPERATE FOR ENTERTAINMENT.

IT CONNECTS YOU DIRECTLY TO "GAME OF THRONES" MARATHON.

AND THIS BUTTON IS FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN BED

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS, RIGHT?

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

MAN, COULD I TROUBLE YOU FOR ONE SECOND?

MY DOCTOR SAYS I GOT TO DO 10,000 STEPS.

MY FOOT IS HURTING LIKE HELL.

WOULD YOU PUT ON THIS PEDOMETER AND DO SOME STEPS?

YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

OH, THIS IS GOOD.

MY NUMBERS ARE UP.

OH, THIS IS GOOD.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

OH, IT WENT UP.

YEAH! OKAY, NEXT.

THANK YOU.

SIR, DO YOU KNOW HOW FRAGILE YOUR PHONE IS, HUH?

- MY PHONE? - YEAH.

YEAH, YOU KNOW? YEAH, YOUR PHONE.

AND IT'S VERY, VERY EXPENSIVE, ISN'T IT?

- I GOT A CASE ON THERE, THOUGH. - LET ME TELL YOU.

I GOT SOMETHING AMAZING.

I INVENTED THIS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

A PILLOW?

IT'S A CASE FOR THE PHONE.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?

WATCH THIS. YOU WATCHING?

AND IT DOESN'T BREAK, SEE? ISN'T THAT GREAT?

OH, OH, OH.

IT'S ONLY $800.

$800? NO. NO?

I'M GONNA GO.

YOU'RE GONNA GO.

OKAY, WELL --THANK YOU, THOUGH.

WELL, LISTEN. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HOPE YOUR PHONE BREAKS IN A MILLION PIECES.

Woman: EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THIS AREA?

KIND OF.

WELL, SOMEONE SAID THAT THERE'S A MOVIE THEATER NEARBY.

- YEAH, NO. - NO? OH.

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

I'M LATE FOR MY OWN FILM RETROSPECTIVE.

THEY'RE SHOWING SOME OF MY MOVIES FROM THE '70s.

- OH, MY GOSH. - I KNOW.

MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF ME.

UH...MY NAME IS CANDIE ASS.

NO.

WITH AN "E".

HEY, MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU AT A SCREENING!

RIGHT? MAYBE.

WHOA!

♪ LET'S GO CRAZY ♪

♪ LET'S GO CRAZY ♪

♪ COME ON, LET'S GO CRAZY, BABY ♪

Man:

♪ LET'S GO, LET'S GO ♪

MY DEAR, WOULD YOU DO ME THE EXTREME HONOR

OF JOINING ME FOR A LOVELY CANDLELIT DINNER?

WILL MADAME BE DINING WITH US, SIR?

I THINK SO, LOUIS.

SHALL I POUR?

YES.

OH, THIS IS A GREAT VINTAGE, MA'AM.

JUST MAKE AN OLD MAN HAPPY, MY DEAR.

- OH, YOU WOULD LOVE THIS. - I -- I...

Man: A QUICK MOMENT.

I WILL PUT YOU IN MY WILL.

REALLY?

MY FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME IF I'M TIRED OF BEING SINGLE.

"DON'T YOU WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP?" THEY SAY.

"DON'T YOU MISS OUT ON ALL THAT PASSION?"

I TELL THEM THAT GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP FOR THE PASSION

IS LIKE PAYING FOR A FIVE-STAR VACATION

JUST TO GET THE FREE HOTEL SOAP.

SIR, COULD YOU HELP ME OPEN THIS UP, PLEASE?

THESE ARE MY BONER PILLS.

I'M HAVING A PARTY WITH A LOT OF GIRLS AND STUFF,

AND I NEED TO GET IT UP IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO THE PARTY?

WELL, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THEY'RE WONDERFUL GIRLS, ETHEL AND PEARL AND MARGARET,

AND THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY ONE BETTER THAN ANOTHER.

OH, HERE THEY ARE. HI, GIRLS.

HOW YOU DOING? OH, DOING FINE.

- ARE YOU READY FOR TONIGHT? - ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'M LOCKED AND LOADED AND READY TO GO.

SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO COME, HUH?

IT'S PARTY TIME! YES, SIR.

CAN I JUST ASK ONE QUESTION?

WHAT'S UP?

WELL, I-I'M GONNA ASK THIS LADY

THAT I'VE BEEN SEEING TO MARRY ME.

WELL, I WROTE A SPEECH, YOU KNOW?

I JUST WANT TO HEAR IT READ OUT LOUD AND GET SOMEONE'S OPINION.

SURE. READ IT.

L-LET'S DO THE WHOLE THING, OKAY? OKAY.

- WILL YOU HOLD THIS? - OKAY.

DOROTHY, I LOVE YOU.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE AFFAIRS, THE ORGIES --

ORGIES, THOUGH?

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, BRAH.

WELL, UM, HOW CAN I FIX THIS?

I WOULD LEAVE THE ORGIES OUT.

JUST, LIKE, DON'T TALK ABOUT THE ORGIES.

DON'T TALK ABOUT THE ORGIES?

NO. DON'T TALK ABOUT THE ORGIES.

YOU HAVE SUCH BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES.

THANK YOU. THEY'RE BLUE.

SEE? SEE? YOU'RE A TROUBLEMAKER. DOROTHY'S GONNA SAY NO.

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

NO ONE DATES IN PERSON ANYMORE.

IT'S ALL ABOUT GOING ONLINE.

BUT THESE DATING APPS ARE JUST SO CONFUSING.

SO, HOW DO I MAKE A PROFILE?

YOU JUST UPLOAD YOUR PIC, SET YOUR PREFERENCES TO TALL,

EXTREMELY GOOD-LOOKING, AND UNDER 25.

AH.

THAT WORKS FOR ME.

SIR, WE'RE DOING A CENSUS REPORT.

CAN I ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS, PLEASE?

OKAY, JUST REAL QUICK. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

- CELINE. - CELINE. OKAY.

- AND YOUR BIRTHPLACE? - AFRICA.

- YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME? - FATIMA.

- HOW TALL IS SHE? - WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

- HOW TALL IS SHE? - I'M NOT SURE.

- WHAT COLOR IS HER EYES? - BROWN.

BROWN, OKAY.

I KIND OF RECALL THAT.

HAS YOU MOM EVER TRIED TO REVEAL A BIG SECRET BUT CAN'T

THAT KIND OF LEAVES YOU WONDERING WHO YOU ARE?

NO.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BE REAL SURPRISED.

I'M YOUR FATHER.

YOU CRAZY SON OF A GUN.

NO, YOU BETTER CALL YOUR MOM.

AND JUST -- SHE'S GOT A LOT TO TELL YOU, GET IT OFF HER CHEST.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF IT'S TRUE, THEN I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.

OKAY, SEE YOU LATER. THANKS A LOT.

THANK YOU.

HA!

EXCUSE ME.

MY SON WROTE OUT MY TO-DO LIST FOR ME,

AND I LEFT MY GLASSES AT HOME.

COULD YOU READ IT TO ME, PLEASE?

YEAH.

I DID THAT. MM-HMM. I DID THAT.

OOH.

OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU AVAILABLE?

NO, I'M ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE PICKING UP SOMETHING

FOR MY BOSS.

OH. YOU AND YOUR BOSS, MAYBE?

I MEAN, YOU'RE A REALLY CUTE GUY.

MAYBE YOU'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I MEAN, A THREESOME'S A THREESOME,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

OH, MY GOD.

I MEAN, TWO GIRLS.

I MEAN, WOULD YOU BE DOWN WITH THAT?

NO! I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GET GOING.

BUT THAT YOU FOR GIVING ME THE OFFER.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

CAN YOU HELP ME FOR A SECOND?

YEAH, THIS IS THE RIGHT THING. CAN YOU HOLD THIS FOR ME?

JUST HOLD IT FOR ONE SECOND.

YOU KNOW, I JUST GOT TO, LIKE...OH, YEAH, GREAT.

OKAY, UM...

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

UM...IT'S OKAY BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

THIS IS REALLY GOOD THIS WAY.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

CAN YOU HOLD THIS FOR ME?

THANK YOU.

WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP US WITH SOMETHING.

WE NEED SOMEBODY IMPARTIAL.

WE'VE BEEN ARGUING FOR AN HOUR.

FLIP A COIN FOR US.

WHATEVER IT SAYS, WE'LL DO.

HEADS. OH, NO!

I WON! NOW WE DON'T HAVE TO DO

THAT BORING MISSIONARY POSITION ANYMORE.

LET'S GO. COME ON. OH, BOY.

HEY, YOU CAN KEEP THE QUARTER.

NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE -- WE CAN HAVE WATER SPORTS.

WE CAN...

SHH. MY LITTLE PROTéGé IS ON THE PHONE.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

I ALWAYS LET HER DEAL WITH MY AGENT.

- NICE DAY, ISN'T IT? - YES, IT IS.

- HOW YOU DOING, MA'AM? - GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU? GOOD.

GOOD. THAT'S MY BOSS DOWN THERE.

HE'S AN ACTOR -- VERY FAMOUS.

- OH. - YEAH.

WHAT HE LOVES IS ATTENTION.

- OH, IS THAT RIGHT? - YEAH.

I TRY TO FIND PEOPLE WHO AUTOGRAPH HIS PICTURE.

OH, OKAY.

HE'LL BE EVER SO GRATEFUL,

AND HE'LL BE NICE TO ME FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

- OH. - OKAY.

THANKS. YEAH.

THANK YOU.

HELLO, SIR.

- GOOD MORNING. - MORNING. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. YOURSELF?

FINE.

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD GRAB A LITTLE SIGNATURE.

OH. IT'S THAT PICTURE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT TOO BAD. OH, OKAY.

- MAY I BORROW THE PEN? - YES, YOU MAY.

THANK YOU. WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?

ROLANDO. ROLANDO.

YES, SIR. OKAY.

I HOPE THAT MEETS YOUR NEEDS.

- YEAH, IT WILL. - YOU GOT THE AUTOGRAPH.

NOW GET THE AWAY FROM ME. THANK YOU.

RIGHT ON.

I GOT TO ASK YOU GUYS A QUESTION.

- WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? - SALES.

SALES? THE REASON I ASK IS TODAY'S MY LAST DAY.

I'VE BEEN GIVING PARKING TICKETS...

UH-HUH...FOR 45 YEARS

AND BREAKING PEOPLE'S HEARTS AND RUINING PEOPLE'S DAYS.

I'M JUST GONNA GIVE YOU EACH ONE OF THESE HANDICAPPED THINGS.

I DON'T HAVE ANY REASON -- GO AHEAD.

JUST SO YOU GOT A FREE DAY OF PARKING.

- OH. THANK YOU. - ALL RIGHT. AND DO ME A FAVOR.

CAN YOU LIMP? JUST LIMP A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

JUST...THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, HANG ON.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

CAN YOU TAKE MY PICTURE?

YEAH, SURE. OH, GOOD.

I'M CELEBRATING MY 99th.

BIRTHDAY? NO.

MY 99th MAN.

MAN? REALLY?

REALLY. OH, GOD.

YOU WANT TO BE MY MR. CENTURY? MY 100th GUY?

UM...I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DO I GET FOR IT?

YOU GET ME. BUT YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE NOT HALF ENOUGH MAN FOR ME.

- I'M NOT HALF ENOUGH? - NO. NO.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M GOING ON MY FIRST DATE SINCE I GOT DIVORCED.

IF YOU COULD JUST SPRAY MY BACK WITH THIS BODY SPRAY.

I WANT TO SMELL GOOD FOR MY FIRST DATE.

YEAH.

I CAN'T REACH -- YEAH, RIGHT.

OOH, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH, I'M TELLING YOU. YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

SPRAY THE ARMS. YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU SPRAYED TOO MUCH ON ME.

I'M SORRY.

I GOT TO CHANGE MY SHIRT.

NOW I SMELL LIKE A NEW ORLEANS PIMP.

GOD.

I JUST FOUND THIS SHOE.

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, AND I'M KIND OF A ROMANTIC KIND OF GUY.

AND I FEEL THAT THE NEXT PERSON

THAT CAN FIT IN THIS SHOE COULD BE MY WIFE.

WOULD YOU MIND TRYING IT ON? YOU NEVER KNOW.

HELP ME. JUST A MOMENT.

OKAY. HOLD ON. OKAY. HERE WE GO.

LET'S HOPE.

IF IT FITS, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

OH, MY. OH, JUST PUSH. YEAH.

IT FITS. OOH.

- OH, DOES IT HURT? - NO, IT DON'T.

I'M GONNA GO GET A MARRIAGE LICENSE.

YOU JUST WAIT HERE. OH! I'M SO HAPPY.

I CAN'T STAND IT.

WELL, EVERYONE, DIG IN.

MM.

White: THEY SAY THE BEST WAY TO AGE

IS TO GROW OLD GRACEFULLY.

BUT IT'S A HECK OF A LOT MORE FUN TO GROW OLD DISGRACEFULLY.

NO.

OOH, THAT'S GOOD.

- OH, MY GOD. - Woman: I MEAN, TWO GIRLS.