Original subtitles

YEAH.

YES, SIR.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HALF-PRICE SUIT?

IT'S ALL THE RAGE.

I LOVE IT!

EXCUSE ME. MISS?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE TODAY'S SPECIAL?

BACK IN THE DAY, I USED TO EAT FIVE HOT DOGS,

THREE POTATO KNISHES,

AND WASH THEM DOWN WITH TWO BOTTLES OF CREAM SODA,

AND I NEVER ONCE GOT INDIGESTION.

WELL, BACK IN THE DAY, I COULD PLAY TENNIS IN THE MORNING,

GOLF AT LUNCH, AND SOCCER IN THE EVENING.

BACK IN THE DAY, I COULD WALK INTO ANY CLUB

AND LEAVE WITH THE HOTTEST GUY IN THERE.

WHAT DAY WAS THAT, BETTY?

YESTERDAY.

JUST LET YOURSELF OUT, DEAR.

♪ OOH, GIRL ♪

BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP.

BUP.

BUP.

BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP!

BUP! BUP, BUP.

♪ BUP, BUP-BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP ♪

♪ BUP, BUP, BUP, BU-U-U-UP, BUP, BA ♪

♪ BUH! ♪

YAY. GO RAIDERS!

- THAT'S RIGHT. - YAY!

THAT'S RIGHT, GIRL.

YEAH. YOU DO YOUR THING.

LOOK AT YOU.

I SEE YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE.

YEAH. RIGHT.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE'RE CHARGING NOW FOR WI-FI USE

AS PEOPLE WALK UP AND DOWN THE STREET,

- SO IT'S NOT FREE ANYMORE. - OKAY.

YOU ARE PREPARED, OBVIOUSLY, TO PAY FOR THAT, AND --

NO. I'M NOT GONNA PAY FOR THAT.

SO, I'M GONNA HAVE TO WRITE THAT UP.

THAT'S WI-FI PIRACY,

AND THAT'S COMES, I'M SORRY TO SAY,

WITH A PRETTY HEFTY FINE.

WHAT? HOLD ON.

IT'S OFF.

EXPLAIN IT TO THE JUDGE, AND IT'S A $750 FINE.

WHAT?

WHAT HAPPENS IF I PAY FOR IT, THEN,

INSTEAD OF TAKING THE TICKET?

PAY FOR WHAT? THE WI-FI USE.

LOOK, I'M JUST DOING MY JOB, REALLY.

WHERE DO I PAY THIS?

WELL, JUST KEEP YOUR PHONE ON.

YOU'LL BE GETTING AN E-MAIL.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

DO YOU THINK IT'S REALLY BAD TO READ SOMEBODY'S DIARY?

YEAH, IT IS.

WELL, I KIND OF READ MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S DIARY,

AND THERE WAS SOME STUFF IN HERE I DIDN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.

I WAS WONDERING.

SHE HAD SOMETHING IN HERE, "Y-O-L-O" -- YOLO. "YEAH.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? "YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE."

OH! OH, THAT'S NICE!

AND THEN, THE OTHER THING I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WAS,

"I TRIED TO GO...REVERSE COWGIRL FOR THE FIRST TIME."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

WELL, DO YOU THINK SHE'S TAKING HORSEBACK-RIDING LESSONS?

WAS SHE MENTIONING A GUY WHEN SHE SAID THAT?

SHE SAID SHE HAS A NEW GUY IN HERE LIFE, YEAH.

DO YOU THINK HE'S TEACHING HER HORSEBACK RIDING?

HOW OLD IS SHE?

OH, SHE'S 19.

OH, YEAH, HE PROBABLY IS.

- IT'S NOT DANGEROUS, IS IT? - NO.

I WOULDN'T WANT HER TO FALL OFF A HORSE OF ANYTHING.

I DON'T THINK SHE'LL FALL OFF.

OKAY, WELL...IT'S OKAY. IT'S REALLY OKAY.

OKAY, WELL, I HOPE SHE DOESN'T GET BUCKED OFF.

OKAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

IT'S GREAT BEING OLDER.

YOU CAN'T IMAGINE THE HISTORICAL THINGS I'VE SEEN.

YOU KNOW, I CAN REMEMBER

WHEN THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS WERE JUST GETTING SICK.

HI. ARE YOU ROBBIE? NO.

NO? NO, I'M NOT.

OH. OH, I'M SORRY.

I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET SOMEONE IN A JACKET HERE...

OH, REALLY? ...NAMED ROBBIE.

YEAH. IT'S, LIKE, A BLIND DATE.

BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A WHILE,

SO I THINK I GOT STOOD UP. OH.

DO YOU MIND IF I GET A BITE TO EAT

AND JOIN YOU FOR LIKE 10, 15 MINUTES?

- THAT'S TOTALLY FINE WITH ME. - OKAY, GREAT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. - OKAY.

OH! I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

SO, SHOULD WE GO GET A LITTLE FOOD?

ARE YOU READY?

BETTY, DID YOU THROW A WATER BALLOON AT ME?

WELL, NO.

MY LITTLE PROTéGé AND I HAVE BEEN READING HERE ALL AFTERNOON.

MUST HAVE BEEN REATHA.

YOU'RE A FAST LEARNER.

HI.

SORRY, DO YOU HAVE A RESERVATION TO SIT IN THIS AREA?

- NO. - OH, ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, I'M SURE.

MAYBE YOU'RE NAME IS ON THE LIST. I DON'T KNOW.

NOT ON HERE, HUH?

OH, JUST GOT HERE. YEAH.

I CAN SQUEEZE YOU IN IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS.

- YOU'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE? - YEAH.

UH-HUH. WELL, THEN I'M AFRAID

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE NOW. ALL RIGHT.

YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO LEAVE OR THERE WILL BE A CHARGE.

REALLY? YES.

10...9...8...

7...6...5...

HAVE A NICE TRIP.

HI, GUYS. HI.

I'M ANN. I'M YOUR WAITRESS.

- HOW ARE YOU TODAY? - GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO DRINK? - STONE IPA.

- I'M SORRY? - THE STONE IPA.

I DON'T HEAR TOO WELL, SO YOU HAVE TO REALLY SPEAK UP.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL ME.

AND DO THAT.

THE STONE IPA, PLEASE.

UH-HUH. OKAY. IF YOU COULD.

HOEGAARDEN.

A GOOSE ISLAND.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU? BUD LIGHT.

OKAY, I GOT IT -- FOUR COKES. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

♪ OH-OOH, OH ♪

♪ OH-OOH, OH ♪

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I'M FATHER BRENNAN FROM THE CHURCH.

THE REASON THAT WE'RE HERE

IS THAT WE BELIEVE THE SON OF THE BEAST IS BORN.

MM-HMM. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

HAVE YOU...

HAVE YOU NOTICED ANYTHING PECULIAR ABOUT YOUR CHILD?

- HUH? - NO.

FOR INSTANCE, I MEAN, IS THERE ANY SPECIAL HAIR

GROWING IN THE BACK OF HIS NECK...

...OR DOES IT VOMIT A LOT? NO.

DOES IT HAVE THE NUMBER 666 ON HIS HEAD?

NO.

JUST LET ME TAKE A QUICK LOOK.

GOOCHY, GOOCHY, GOOCHY GOO.

ARE YOU SATAN'S LITTLE BABY, HUH?

OH, GOOCHY, GOOCHY, GOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST IN CASE,

TAKE THIS HOLY WATER AND SPRINKLE IT ON HIM.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY A DOUGHNUT?

UM, I CAN JUST HAVE IT?

Y-YEAH. TAKE YOUR PICK.

- I'LL JUST GO WITH THIS GUY. THANK YOU. - OKAY.

- DOES IT TASTE GOOD? - UM...

IT'S DECENT, YEAH.

GOOD, GOOD...YEAH.

...'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

I FOUND THEM IN THE TRASH OVER THERE,

AND I JUST TOOK OUT A COUPLE CIGARETTE BUTTS AND STUFF.

WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

WELL, I FOUND THEM IN THE TRASH.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?!

DO YOU LIKE IT?

NO! OH.

NOT ANYMORE. AW.

I'VE ALREADY EATEN THREE OF THEM.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. HELLO.

COULD YOU HELP ME OUT WITH SOMETHING HERE?

I'VE BEEN ON HOLD -- HERE -- WITH MY DOCTOR,

AND I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM.

AND EVERY TIME I WENT IN THERE, I LOST THE SIGNAL,

SO, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

JUST HANG ON.

TAKE A MESSAGE OR SOMETHING IF THEY GET ON THE LINE.

Hello, Richard. Thank you so much for holding.

HE JUST WENT TO THE BATHROOM,

AND HE'LL BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS.

Who am I speaking to?

UM, I DON'T KNOW. HE HANDED THE PHONE TO ME.

- I'M JUST HOLDING IT. - What's your name?

MY NAME IS BRANDON.

Brandon, you're holding Richard's phone?

YES. HE JUST HANDED ME THE PHONE.

All right. Listen...

his hands and body have a highly contagious rash.

Anything he has, including the phone you're holding,

is highly contagious.

You're gonna need to wash your hands thoroughly,

call a dermatologist,

and schedule an emergency appointment.

There's going to be a series of lotions,

but you need to get them quickly.

You're sure to be infected.

Hello, Brandon? Brandon, are you there?

Brandon?

PEOPLE WHO TALK DURING MOVIES ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

I TOOK A DATE TO THE MOVIES LAST WEEK,

AND HE KEPT POINTING AT THE SCREEN AND SAYING,

"THERE I AM! THERE I AM!"

GEEZ, CLOONEY, YOU'D THINK YOU'D BE USED TO IT BY NOW.

EXCUSE ME. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE AN OPINION.

COULD HAVE YOU DO A REALLY QUICK SURVEY FOR ME?

- HOW QUICK? - REALLY QUICK.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU NORMALLY TAKE SURVEYS?

I DON'T. NEVER.

DO YOU PREFER THE TERM "SURVEY" OR "QUESTIONNAIRE"? "QUESTIONNAIRE."

DO YOU THINK THAT THE CLIPBOARD FOR THIS SURVEY

IS TOO LARGE, TOO SMALL, OR JUST RIGHT? IT'S TOO BIG.

ONE VERY LAST QUESTION.

DID YOU EVER TRY A THREESOME?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO?

JUST DON'T LOOK AT ME.

EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU HOLD THESE FOR ME FOR A SECOND?

YEAH, SURE. OKAY. THANK YOU.

I GOT TO GET THESE DRY.

THANK YOU.

THINK THIS IS SEXY?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OKAY, BYE-BYE.

♪ SHE DON'T WEAR NO FROWN ♪

WHEN I HEARD ABOUT ALL THESE TELEVISION SHOWS

ON THE AIR TODAY THAT ARE ABOUT

"HYPERSEXUAL BEINGS THAT DON'T AGE AND LIVE FOREVER,"

I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND OUT

THAT ALL THESE SHOWS ARE ABOUT VAMPIRES.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE FINALLY MAKING "THE BETTY WHITE STORY."

COULD I STOP YOU FOR A SECOND?

YEAH. MY HUSBAND JUST DIED.

YOU'RE HUSBAND JUST -- YEAH.

MY HUSBAND DIED.

DON'T FEEL BAD, BECAUSE

HE WAS A DOG...WAIT.

...AND ALL HE CARED ABOUT WAS GOOD-LOOKING WOMEN.

ANYWAY, COULD YOU HELP ME DO THIS?

SO, YOU WANT TO DUMP THIS?

YEAH. IF A HOT GIRL LIKE YOU WOULD DUMP THESE --

JUST HELP ME DUMP THESE ASHES,

I COULD HAVE SOME CLOSURE.

PLEASE.

OH, PLEASE. HE WAS AWFUL. OH, NO, NO, NO!

COME ON. COME ON. YEAH.

YEAH. OKAY.

- NO! NO, NO, NO. - GOODBYE, HARRY.

MAY YOU REST IN HELL.

OH!

YOU'RE SWELL.

YOU'RE THE BEST!

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪

COULD YOU HELP ME FOR A SECOND?

- SURE. - I'M HAVING A PROBLEM STARTING MY SCOOTER.

THE THING IS, I'VE HAD SO MANY DUIs...YEAH.

...THAT IT HAS A BREATHALYZER ON IT,

SO THIS BAD BOY WON'T START UNLESS IT'S GOT A CLEAN TEST.

SO, IF YOU COULD JUST BLOW ON THAT, AND I'LL PRESS THIS.

WE'LL SEE WHAT WE GOT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YEAH!

- CAN YOU DRIVE? - GREAT.

NOW I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD TO GO.

ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN DRIVE?

YEAH, I THINK SO. YOU NEED A LIFT SOMEWHERE?

SURE. - ALL RIGHT.

OH, OKAY.

MAKE WAY.

WE COULD STOP FOR A LITTLE DRINK ON THE WAY.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

I WAS OUT HERE LAST NIGHT, AND I GOT KIND OF DRUNK,

YOU KNOW, AND I WENT HOME WITH THIS GUY.

AND I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE,

BUT HE SENT ME THIS...PIC.

IS THIS YOU?

WE CAN COMPARE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

PLEASE. I'M ASIAN. THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT ME.

YOU SURE? YEAH.

- I WISH IT WERE, THOUGH. - THAT'S HOT.

OKAY.

OH, I FEEL YOU!

HEY, ROLLERBLADER.

HEY. HERE.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

IT'S FOR THE RACE. GO, GO, GO!

FASTER, FASTER.

KEEP GOING. DON'T LET US DOWN.

GO AHEAD. GO. GO!

KEEP GOING.

YEAH. COME ON.

WE'RE GONNA WIN. KEEP GOING, MAN.

OH. EXCUSE ME.

YOU'VE GOT THESE BANANAS.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THEM.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- I'M GONNA HAVE YOURS,

AND I'LL TRADE YOU FOR THESE EGGS, OKAY?

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU.

HI. YOU HAVE KIDS? DO I?

YEAH? WHY?

WELL, IF YOU HAVE KIDS,

DON'T SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH THEM

'CAUSE THEY'RE GONNA GROW UP AWFUL ANYWAY.

I KNOW THAT FROM EXPERIENCE.

- DON'T SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH THEM? - NO.

JUST DO OTHER THINGS.

GO TO BARS, YOU KNOW? - WHY?

'CAUSE THEY TURNED OUT AWFUL ANYWAY.

- NO, I HAVE GOOD PARENTS. - YEAH?

- THEY SPEND TIME WITH YOU? - A LOT.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

AND LOOK AT YOU NOW.

I'M GREAT.

REALLY? YES.

THAT'S NOT MY EXPERIENCE.

AS A SENIOR, IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO PRACTICE SELF-DEFENSE

SO YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF FROM PREDATORS.

NO, I WILL NOT WIRE MONEY TO YOUR NIGERIAN BANK ACCOUNT!

EXCUSE ME.

CAN YOU TEXT SOMETHING FOR ME VERY QUICK?

YEAH, YEAH. OH, THANKS.

- I DO IT ALL THE TIME. - OH, OKAY.

I CAN'T SEE WITHOUT MY GLASSES. OKAY.

"I HIT THE TARGET."

"I HIT THE TARGET"?YES.

OKAY. "IT'S ELIMINATED."

"IT'S ELIMINATED. "YEAH.

GET RID OF THAT IN 30 SECONDS

'CAUSE THEY'LL BE TRACKING YOU.

♪ YOU BETTER RUN, YOU BETTER RU-U-U-U-N ♪

EXCUSE ME. WILL YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

WILL YOU HOLD THIS FOR JUST ONE SECOND?

I FORGOT MY CREDIT CARD IN THERE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- SURE. - OKAY. YOU GOT IT?

THANK YOU. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

MY SON THINKS I SHOULD START DATING AGAIN,

SO I WAS WONDERING,

COULD YOU JUST PASS OUT SOME OF THESE FLIERS FOR ME?

UM...JUST HAND THEM OUT TO ANY GUYS YOU KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT. I'M SORRY.

'CAUSE I'M JUST --IF YOU COULD JUST TAKE TWO,

MAYBE PUT THEM UP ON THE TREE FOR ME.

WELL, CAN'T YOU DO THAT?

OH, I AM, BUT SEE HOW MANY I HAVE?

JUST TAKE A COUPLE, OKAY?

I'M NOT SURE WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH IT.

WELL, JUST MAKE SURE, NO FATTIES,

AND I LIKE THEM AROUND 24, 25 YEARS OLD.

THAT'LL BE GREAT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- I DON'T KNOW -- HERE. - I APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU. YOU'LL DO GREAT!

- CAN YOU HELP ME? - YES.

- WHAT HAPPENED? - I LOST MY CONTACT --

MY CONTACT LENS. YEAH.

YOU SEE IT?

POPPED OUT, HUH? YEAH.

YEAH. MM.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- WHAT'S GOING ON? - I DROPPED MY CONTACT.

YOU DON'T WEAR CONTACT LENSES!

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

- SHE HAS 20/20 VISION. - OH, I DON'T!

ARE YOU UP TO THAT AGAIN?

WELL, THEY HAVE GREAT BUTTS.

AND NOW "BETTY WHITE'S PEARLS OF WISDOM."

DON'T EVER TATTOO A BODY PART THAT MIGHT SAG.

AND TRUST ME, IF YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH, EVERYTHING SAGS.

MY FRIEND USED TO HAVE A DRAGON TATTOOED ON HER BACK.

NOW IT'S A GECKO.

OH, BUP, BUP!

OH! NO, NO, NO!

GO! GO! GO! GO!

REQUESTING BACKUP. I HAVE A WI-FI PIRATE.

BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP!

BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP, BUP.

WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

Hello, Brandon?

DON'T TOUCH THAT.