Original subtitles

UM... WOULD YOU GET IN THERE?

I'M SORRY?

WELL, I JUST WANT TO SEE IF A BODY FITS IN THERE.

UM, YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET SOMEBODY A LITTLE SMALLER.

THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE I THINK IF I CUT THE BODIES IN PIECES,

I CAN GET TWO BODIES IN THERE.

BUT THANKS, ANYWAY.

NO PROBLEM. OKAY.

WAIT. WHAT THE HELL JUST...?

EXCUSE ME. MISS?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE TODAY'S SPECIAL?

OH, HELLO, THERE. I JUST CAME BACK FROM MY DOCTOR.

HE TOLD ME I HAVE A HEART OF A 60-YEAR-OLD.

I TOLD HIM IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE THE BUNS OF A 30-YEAR-OLD.

MM.

♪ OOH, OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH ♪

EXCUSE ME. MISS? MISS? UH, COME HERE.

I-I-I'VE BEEN ADMIRING YOUR LOOK FROM AFAR.

AND I DREW YOUR PICTURE. DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?

Y-- SURE.

- NICE. - DO YOU LIKE IT? IS IT GOOD?

UH-HUH. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU WANT ONE IN THE NUDE, YOU CAN COME TO MY GARAGE.

Woman: HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

PRETTY GOOD. OH, GOOD.

YOU?

ACTUALLY, TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF A MILESTONE BIRTHDAY.

IT'S MY 69th BIRTHDAY.

HMM.

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT MEANS, RIGHT?

I SUPPOSE SO.

BUT, UM...

I DON'T HAVE ANYBODY TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY WITH.

DO YOU THINK THAT, UM,

MAYBE YOU WOULD CELEBRATE MY 69th BIRTHDAY WITH ME?

I'M AFRAID I'M SPOKEN FOR.

OH, WELL, I WOULDN'T TELL.

IT WOULD JUST BE BETWEEN ME AND YOU.

EVEN SO...

IT WOULD BE MY...FIRST TIME

GOING DOWNTOWN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

UM, I'M -- I'M FLATTERED,

BUT I-I REALLY COULDN'T.

WELL, HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT BEFORE?

UH, NO.

THEN IT WOULD BE BOTH OF OUR FIRST TIMES.

THAT'S TRUE.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT --

I'M GONNA GET A REFILL, YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

AND I'LL COME BACK IN, UH...

- JUST A LITTLE BIT, OKAY? - ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BE BACK.

MISS? I-I WONDER IF YOU COULD HELP ME.

THE, UH -- THE WI-FI IS REALLY BAD,

SO I WONDER IF YOU COULD HOLD THIS FOR ME JUST FOR A SECOND.

JUST HOLD IT HIGH LIKE THAT.

L-LIKE THAT. YOU DON'T MIND DOING THAT?

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I GOT TO GET AN IMPORTANT E-MAIL OUT,

AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT.

MAYBE -- COULD YOU GET ON YOUR TIPPY-TOES?

JUST GET ON YOUR TIPPY-TOES. THAT'S PERFECT.

'CAUSE I-I JUST GOT TO MAKE SURE MY WIFE REMEMBERS

TO TiVo "REAL HOUSEWIVES" TONIGHT.

HMM.

YOU CAN HOLD ON TO THAT.

OH, I LOVE KNITTING.

IT'S NOT ONLY FUN AND RELAXING, BUT IT MAKES A GREAT GIFT.

IN FACT, I KNITTED SOMETHING FOR MY CRITICS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU HOLD THE DOOR FOR AN OLD LADY?

JUST TAKE A MINUTE. DO YOU MIND?

THANK YOU SO MUCH. CHIVALRY ISN'T DEAD.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! HA-HA!

PEOPLE OFTEN ASK ME WHERE I GET MY ENERGY.

I TELL THEM BETTY WHITE'S 24-HOUR ENERGY.

Man: BETTY WHITE IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANYTHING THAT MAY HAPPEN

WHILE CONSUMING BETTY WHITE'S 24-HOUR ENERGY,

INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, NIGHT SWEATS, ITCHING,

HAIR GROWTH IN PLACES YOU DON'T WANT IT,

THE UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO CALL YOUR LAST HOOKUP,

A SUDDEN LOVE OF DUBSTEP,

AND THE LOSS OF USE OF YOUR TONGUE.

SERIOUSLY?

HI. HELP ME A SECOND, WILL YOU?

- HI. YES, YES, YES, YES. - OKAY.

- I BOUGHT A CARD FOR MY HUSBAND. - OKAY.

I THOUGHT IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY.

- UH-HUH. - BUT IT'S NOT.

IT'S MY BOYFRIEND'S ANNIVERSARY.

OH, YOUR BOY--

YEAH, I WANT TO -- I WANT TO --

I JUST NEED SOME HELP HOLDING THAT

SO I CAN WHITE THIS OUT...

REALLY?

...AND PUT "GUSTAVO" ON IT.

THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.

YOU DON'T THINK?

NO! WHAT? WHY?

'CAUSE YOU HAVE A HUSBAND.

YEAH, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW,

AND I -- AND EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH HIM.

- HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU? - NO.

- YOU NEVER HAD TWO BOYFRIENDS? - NO.

I HAVE A FIANCé, AND THAT'S IT.

MY HUSBAND, HE BETTER NOT.

WELL, HE'LL NEVER KNOW.

THAT'S CRAZY.

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT LIKE IT. TRY IT.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.

- YOU'RE WELCOME. - SO SWEET.

♪ LET'S GO CRAZY ♪

♪ LET'S GO CRAZY ♪

♪ COME ON, LET'S GO CRAZY, BABY ♪

♪ LET'S GO, LET'S GO ♪

EXCUSE ME. YES.

- I'M GOING TO A HAIRDRESSER. - UH-HUH.

IT'S A NEW HAIRDRESSER, AND I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING MY HAIR CUT.

I WAS WONDERING, COULD I TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR HAIR?

UH, YEAH. OKAY, GREAT.

OKAY. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO, I'M GONNA TELL HER ANYTHING BUT THAT.

OH. EXCUSE ME, MISS. YEAH?

WOULD YOU DO AN OLD NAVY MAN A FAVOR?

- SURE. - OKAY.

YOU KNOW, WE HAD A TRADITION

THAT WHEN WE GOT A NEW VESSEL, WE WOULD CHRISTEN IT.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD JUST MAYBE

CHRISTEN MY NEW VESSEL.

JUST GIVE IT A LITTLE GOOD-LUCK TAP RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, JUST --

RIGHT -- RIGHT ON HERE.

- OH, THIS PART. - YEAH, ON THE HULL.

HEY! HEY!

WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON MY SCOOTER?

I'M CHRISTENING YOUR...

WHAT? NO.

WHO WAS THAT MAN?

WHAT MAN? I DIDN'T SEE ANYBODY.

YOU SHOULDN'T VANDALIZE MY SCOOTER.

- WHAT IS THIS? - WAS THAT YOUR HUSBAND?

MY HUSBAND?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

MY GOD!

YOU WERE VANDALIZING!

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SO QUIET,

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SITTING THERE.

OH.

OH, RIGHT -- RIGHT THERE? OKAY.

HI, EVERYBODY. I HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES --

OH. SORRY. GOT TO TAKE THIS.

I just love it when George Clooney butt-dials me.

I-I-I THINK I MAYBE THROW PEANUTS ON YOU.

I'M SO SORRY.

ARE YOU THERE?

OH. OH.

YEAH, DON'T -- DON'T WORRY.

♪ SAY, SAY, SAY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING ♪

♪ I CAN'T CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN'T BEAT ♪

HELLO. HI.

YES. I CAN'T -- I'M KIND OF STUCK.

IT'S SO EMBARRASSING, BUT IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

I BENT OVER. I LOST MY BALANCE.

THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I WAS -- SOMEHOW I GOT...

MAYBE -- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT --

MAYBE I COULD SHIMMY UP THE POLE.

FALL? THAT'S HOW -- THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.

I FELL, AND I LOST MY BALANCE,

AND WHEN I GOT UP, I WAS LIKE THIS.

I COULD USE SOMETHING TO EAT AND MAYBE, AFTER THAT, A LADDER.

BUT I'D LIKE THE FOOD FIRST AND THEN THE LADDER.

OKAY?

THANK YOU.

TRADITIONAL MARKETING ISN'T ENOUGH

TO PROMOTE A SHOW THESE DAYS.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO REACH THE PUBLIC,

YOU'VE GOT TO DO A VIRAL VIDEO.

OKAY, JUMP UP ON THE TABLE AND THEN JUST FALL RIGHT OFF.

BUT, BETTY, I MIGHT ACTUALLY GET HURT.

I KNOW.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE AN INTERNET OMELET,

YOU'VE GOT TO BREAK SOME EGGS.

UP YOU GO. ALL RIGHT.

AND ACTION!

PERFECT.

OH, YOUNG MAN. I LOVE THAT JACKET.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO SELL ME THAT JACKET?

NO. I LOVE THIS JACKET.

I MEAN FOR THE RIGHT PRICE.

WHAT KIND OF PRICE?

MM. LET'S SAY $500.

I GUESS I DON'T LIKE IT THAT MUCH.

OKAY.

WELL, YAMA, WRITE THIS YOUNG MAN A CHECK FOR $500.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - ABSOLUTELY, SON.

OKAY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MY NAME IS "TOP HAT" THOMAS.

"TOP HAT" THOMAS. I LIKE IT. "TOP HAT" THOMAS.

$500?$500 SOUNDS FAIR.

WELL, LET ME HAVE THE JACKET.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T LOOK AS GOOD WITHOUT THE STRIPED SHIRT.

OH, YEAH?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- $200 MORE FOR THE ENSEMBLE.

I CAN'T. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WEAR.

IT'S NOT THAT COLD OUT, REALLY.

I GUESS IT'S NOT THAT COLD OUT.

SO...MAY I HAVE THE SHIRT?

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

OKAY.

OKAY. WONDERFUL. THANK YOU.

YAMA, GIVE THE YOUNG MAN THE CHECK.

- THANK YOU. LET'S GO. - ON OUR WAY.

THANK YOU.

- HI, GUYS. I'M SARAH. - HEY.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

WELL, UM, I WOULD LOVE TO SERVE YOU TODAY.

I AM JUST ON MY BREAK. WE'RE ABOUT TO SWITCH OUT.

SO I'LL JUST SEND THE NEXT GIRL OVER,

BUT I WANTED TO MEET YOU AND GET YOU SETTLED.

ANYWAY, WELL, ENJOY YOUR MEAL.

ALL RIGHT.

- HI, GUYS. - HI. HOW YOU DOING?

I'M GONNA BE YOUR WAITRESS. OH, OKAY.

- IS THAT OKAY? - THAT'LL BE -- ALL RIGHT. COOL.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE TODAY'S SPECIAL?

I'LL SHOW YOU.

IT'S THE EXTRA SPECIAL.

THINK ABOUT IT. I'LL COME BACK AND TAKE YOUR ORDER.

THANK YOU.

OH, WOW.

EXCUSE ME. HI.

WE'RE DOING -- AS YOU CAN SEE,

WE'RE DOING A LITTLE REMODELING AROUND HERE.

AND THIS IS FOR YOUR SAFETY, OKAY?

JUST HOLD ON A SECOND.

I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB YOUR FOOD. I JUST WANT TO --

WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU DON'T GET HURT, YOU KNOW?

SO, THIS WON'T TAKE LONG. WON'T TAKE LONG AT ALL.

BETTER THIS WAY. WE CAN SEE YOU BETTER.

WHAT? HOLD ON.

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE BEING WRAPPED?

'CAUSE IT'S THIS CHAIR. THIS --

IT'S JUST THIS CHAIR?

YOU'RE THE -- YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WE HAVE TO WATCH AFTER.

JUST PUT IT BACK UP, PLEASE. THEY'RE GONNA GIVE ME DEMERITS.

- IT'S ALL THE WAY ON MY NECK. - YEAH, BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

WELL, UH, JUST TAKE A LITTLE BIT.

THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. OKAY, OKAY. OKAY.

YOU GOT THAT. THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S -- STAY RIGHT...

LEO!

YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. JUST HOLD IT.

WE'LL BE JUST A COUPLE OF SECONDS.

HOLD ON. FINISH YOUR FOOD.

♪ LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT ♪

♪ THERE'S A BIG WAVE COMING ♪

♪ AND IT'S GONNA FLIP YOU OVER THE EDGE ♪

"HER HEAVING BOSOMS

"BELIED THE DESIRE SHE FELT FOR HIM

DEEP DOWN IN HER LOINS."

BETTY...

ARE YOU WRITING ONE OF THOSE STEAMY ROMANCE NOVELS?

NO! I'M WRITING MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

AHH! AH.

"SHE TOUCHED HIS TINY, LITTLE..."

NO. "...LITTLE HAND..."

YOU DIDN'T SEE NOTHIN'.

REMEMBER -- SNITCHES GET STITCHES.

HI.

I HAVE ARTHRITIS REALLY BAD, AND

I NEED SOMEONE TO CUT THIS FOR ME.

CUT IT? YEAH.

OH! YEAH, JUST CUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, THANK YOU! OH!

THANK HEAVENS! NOW I CAN HAVE A DRINK! THANK YOU!

OH! HA-HA! THANK YOU!

I THINK WE PROBABLY DID.

OH, MY GOD. I DON'T KNOW.

OH, MY GOD.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

LISTEN, WE'RE GIVING A BACHELORETTE PARTY,

AND I FORGOT TO HIRE THE DANCER/STRIPPER.

AND YOU ARE SO HOT.

COME HERE. IT'LL BE FUN.

- Woman: OKAY. - FABULOUS.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HIRE A DANCER,

YOU KNOW, AND WE BLEW IT.

SO, I WAS WONDERING, FOR A THOUSAND BUCKS,

SHOW ME YOUR MOVES.

A THOUSAND BUCKS -- 15 MINUTES' WORK!

AH! THIS IS LOOKING GOOD.

OKAY, MOVE IT. WORK IT.

- YEAH, YEAH, WORK IT. - WORK IT.

CAN YOU GO A LITTLE LOWER? OH, YEAH! WORK IT! WORK IT!

OOH!

DANG! DANG! OTHER SIDE.

- OH, YEAH! OOH, YEAH! - HEY, HEY.

NOW A LITTLE STRAIGHT PELVIC...

- YEAH, YEAH. - OH, YEAH! I LIKE THAT!

WHOO!

NOW, I TELL YOU WHAT -- CAN YOU SPANK IT?

YEAH, JUST GIVE HER A LITTLE WHACK.

OOH! YEAH! I LIKE THAT!

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T THINK HE'S GOOD ENOUGH.

NOT A THOUSAND BUCKS' WORTH.

- HEY, THAT WAS GOOD, THOUGH. - YEAH.

WELL, EVERYONE, DIG IN.

MMM!

Betty: PEOPLE MAY SAY WE'RE OLD. THEY MAY SAY WE'RE OUT OF TOUCH.

SOME MIGHT EVEN SAY WE'RE INVISIBLE.

BUT THAT'S EXACTLY HOW WE LIKE IT.

YOU YOUNG FOLKS WILL NEVER SEE US COMING.

HO-HO!

IF YOU WANT ONE IN THE NUDE, YOU CAN COME TO MY GARAGE.