Original subtitles

I JUST BOUGHT THESE X-RAY GLASSES.

- REALLY? - AND IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING, BUT I CAN SEE

THAT YOU'RE WEARING THE SAME UNDERWEAR THAT I'M WEARING.

WHAT?

EXCUSE ME. MISS?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE TODAY'S SPECIAL?

HI, THERE, AND WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS."

YOU KNOW, I LIKE TO START OFF EVERY EPISODE WITH A TOAST.

UH, WHAT SHOULD WE DRINK TO?

LET'S DRINK TO NEW GLASSES.

OH, THESE AREN'T NEW. I'VE HAD THEM FOR MONTHS.

NO.

BUT THESE ARE.

TO YOUR HEALTH.

OOH.

HI.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

I'M GOING TO MY GRANDSON'S BIRTHDAY.

OKAY.

AND I CAN'T WRITE BECAUSE I HAVE ARTHRITIS,

SO IF YOU COULD WRITE FOR ME.

ACTUALLY, SHE HAS BETTER HANDWRITING.

- OKAY, SURE. - OH, GOOD. OKAY.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BILLY.

"NOW THAT YOU'RE 12,

YOU SHOULD KNOW... YOU ARE ADOPTED."

WHOA.

I THINK HE SHOULD KNOW.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS IN A CARD

- INSTEAD OF A CONVERSATION? - NO, I -- YEAH.

OKAY. "ENJOY YOUR CAKE.

NOT YOUR REAL GRANDMOTHER."

WELL, IT'S THE TRUTH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

SIR? YES?

DID YOU JUST TOUCH MY BUTT?

I DIDN'T TOUCH IT. I GRABBED IT.

WELL, I KNEW SOMEBODY DID.

- I MEAN, IT'S REALLY COOL. - GUILTY AS CHARGED.

I MEAN, NO, NO, NO. I MEAN, I LIKE MY BUTT TOUCHED.

OF COURSE YOU DO. DO YOU WANT TO TOUCH MINE?

- YOU SURE? YOU SURE? - TOUCH IT. TOUCH IT.

HERE WE GO.

EXCUSE ME. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

I HAVE A DENTAL APPOINTMENT AT 11:30.

Man: IT'S 11:17 RIGHT NOW.

OH, OH. OH, GOOD.

SO I HAVE ABOUT 10 MORE MINUTES BEFORE IT'S 11:30?

WILL YOU BE ABLE TO MAKE IT THERE?

YEAH, IT'S JUST DOWN THERE. IT'S JUST DOWN THERE.

IT'S JUST, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

I'M STUCK ON THIS POLE FOR A LITTLE BIT, THAT'S ALL.

I THOUGHT I HEARD MY NAME, AND I JUST TURNED.

AND I DON'T KNOW.

SOMEHOW MY NOSE RING GOT STUCK IN THIS POLE.

YEAH. HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

NO. OH. OH.

ALL RIGHT? YEAH. IT'S --

NOT UNCOMFORTABLE.Y

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP, THOUGH.

ALL RIGHT. NO PROBLEM. OKAY.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES. I WAS SITTING INSIDE.

I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU.

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU, BUT I JUST HAD TO.

TODAY IS MY HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY,

AND EVERY YEAR, I GET HIM THE SAME PRESENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GIVE HIM A FREE PASS.

A FREE PASS OF WHAT?

WELL -- IT'S MY HUSBAND FOR MANY YEARS --

TO GIVE HIM THE FREEDOM

TO JUST BE AND DO WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.

I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU ARE SO MY HUSBAND'S TYPE.

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU

AND SEND IT TO HIM, BECAUSE HE IS SO --

REALLY, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED 45 YEARS. - I'M SORRY. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.

THANK YOU.

- OHH! OH, HE'S GONNA BE SO DISAPPOINTED. - I APPRECIATE IT.

BUT JUST KNOW HE IS FABULOUS IN THE SACK,

AND HE'S HUNG LIKE A HORSE.

OKAY.

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

THAT LADY TRIED TO PIMP ME OUT TO HER OLD-ASS HUSBAND.

THAT WAS THE WEIRDEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

RIGHT.

MMM! OH. OH.

I ASKED MY NEW CHEF TO WHIP UP

SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR US TODAY.

BETTY, YOUR NEW CHEF IS AWFUL. HOW CAN YOU STAND IT?

IT'S TOO HOT.

HOW'S THE SOUP, BETTY?

PERFECT.

AHH.

TOO HOT?

THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

I-I'M SORRY I'M RELENTLESS, BUT I'M OLD.

I JUST TEXTED HIM. I DESCRIBED YOU, TOO.

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

YOU WOULDN'T PUT THE BERET ON JUST TO SEE?

NO! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!ASK HER FOR A PICTURE.

'CAUSE HE'S SO INTO YOUR FRIEND.

SHE'S SO -- I'LL SHOW YOU HIS PICTURE.

HERE HE IS. HERE'S LARRY.

THERE'S LARRY.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE RED HAIR, OKAY?

AWW. I'M SORRY.

OKAY, WELL, HE'S GONNA CRY, BUT...

SERIOUSLY?

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO CRAZY?

GOD, THAT WAS FUNNY.

OH, MAN.

OOH!

I HAVE THIS NEW APP.

IT LETS YOU KNOW IF THERE'S A SEX OFFENDER IN THE AREA.

IT STARTS BEEPING, AND IT GETS A LITTLE LOUDER EVERY TIME.

I THINK IT'S GETTING LOUDER.

YEAH. AND THEY HAVE TO REGISTER.

CAN YOU HEAR IT?

IT'S LOUDER AROUND YOU!

NO. OH, MY GOD!

OH, YEAH.

OH, GOD. I DON'T WANT TO BE NEAR YOU.

I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

OHH!

HI, EVERYONE.

TODAY I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT THE 80s.

IT WAS A REALLY DECADENT TIME.

THE PARTIES, THE MEN, THE ANYTHING-GOES ATTITUDE.

BUT THEN I TURNED 90.

AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, NOT MUCH HAS REALLY CHANGED.

HI. HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU? OH, GOOD.

SO, UH, YOU ARE THE GUY FROM CRAIGSLIST, RIGHT?

NO.

UH, YOU SAID THE CODE WORD, AND YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA MEET ME AT THIS TABLE.

WHAT? YEAH, I MEAN, I BROUGHT THE WHIP.

THE HANDCUFFS ARE IN MY PURSE.

YOU ORDERED A DOMINATRIX, RIGHT?

NO, I DIDN'T.

SURE, YOU LEFT YOUR CREDIT-CARD NUMBER AND EVERYTHING.

NO. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE GONNA RUN THE CARD FOR A GRAND.

A GRAND? YEAH.

HOLLY, APPARENTLY, I PAID A GRAND FOR A DOMINATRIX.

WOW.

WAIT, IT'S TWO GRAND FOR A THREESOME.

SHE JUST WHIPPED THE TABLE.

- IS SHE INTO WHIPS? - WHOA!

I'LL JUST WHIP HIM.

YEAH, JUST WHIP ME.

BUT I'LL USE THE CUFFS ON YOU.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- THERE'S A PLACE AROUND THE CORNER,

AND, YOU KNOW -- AND, UH...

LOVE IT. GET READY.

OH, OH. OH, OH, OH. OH. OH, OH.

WATCH YOUR STEP, HUH?

OH, SORRY. SORRY, SORRY, SORRY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MAN. THAT'S OKAY.

WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO. IT'S ALL YOURS.

UH, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. GO, GO.

OH, OH, OH, OH!

THIS MUST BE "JACKASS" OR SOMETHING.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. OH, OH, OH.

OH, OH, OH.

OH, OH, OH, OH! SORRY!

WHOA! SEE? SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

OH, OH, OH, OH.

COULD YOU HELP ME GET OFF THE LEDGE HERE?

HELP YOU GET OFF THE LEDGE?

IF YOU DON'T MIND. BE A GOOD PAL.

GO. YOU GOT ME?

OHH.

THANK YOU. GOT IT?

- YEAH. I GOT A QUESTION. - WHAT'S UP?

HAVE YOU SEEN A COUPLE OF THOUSAND BEES RUNNING AROUND HERE?

I HAVE NOT. NO?

I HAVE NOT.

- YOU HAVEN'T, HUH? - NO. YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU FIND THEM?

WELL, IF YOU SEE A BIG SWARM OF THEM, YEAH.

- I'LL JUST YELL? - JUST GIVE A SHOUT-OUT.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? BEE MAN.

BEE MAN? BEE MAN.

- THAT'S YOUR NAME? - YEAH.

BEE MAN.

AND IF YOU JUST SEND THEM DOWN HERE.

- SEND THEM DOWN HERE. - SEND THEM DOWN HERE.

- GOT IT. ALL RIGHT. - JUST -- YEAH, OKAY.

THANK YOU.

OKAY.

LIVING AND WORKING IN HOLLYWOOD

MEANS YOU GET TO MEET A LOT OF FAMOUS FOLKS.

SO PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME HOW THEY CAN DATE A CELEBRITY.

IT'S EASY.

DON'T BE SHY.

JUST ASK ME OUT.

YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT, SWEETIE.

HEY, GUYS.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

YOU NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM?

COULD YOU JUST WATCH HIM? WILL YOU WATCH HIM FOR A MINUTE?

- SURE. - HERE, HONEY. WAIT HERE.

DOES HE NEED HELP?

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Man: THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

JUST -- YEAH.

HI.

I-- HI. IS SHE GONE?

YEAH, YOU'RE GOOD. WHAT --

HAVE YOU EVER USED A DATING SERVICE?

OH, LIKE A... YEAH.

I-IS SHE -- IS SHE BLONDE?

OH, YOU...

I-I -- 'CAUSE I --YOU CAN'T SEE HER?

N-NOT VERY GOOD. N-NO, NO.

I WOULDN'T SAY SHE'S A BLONDE.

DID THEY TELL YOU SHE WAS A BLONDE?

YEAH, I ASKED FOR A BLONDE.

SO, IS SHE BLONDE?

HOW OLD DID THEY TELL YOU SHE WAS?

WELL, IS SHE 21? DO YOU THINK SHE'S 21?

SHE'S ABOUT 35.

OH. OH, SHE'S 3-- AW.

UH, OKAY. MAYBE 40.

IS SHE PRETTY? IS SHE PRETTY?

YEAH, I'D SAY SHE'S A -- SHE'S A GOOD-LOOKING LADY, BUT HER HAIR'S NOT BLONDE.

OH. WELL, WHAT -- WHAT COLOR IS HER HAIR?

UH...WHITE.

WHITE. PLATINUM WHITE.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S -- OH, I LIKE THAT.

DIRTY WHITE.

D-D-DIRT-- OH, OH. OH, OH.

SHE'S NOT 21. I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

I'M LOOKING AT HER.

SHE LOOKS LIKE A LOVELY WOMAN, THOUGH. GOOD LUCK.

HI. Woman: HI.

HE'S A VERY PLEASANT MAN. YOU'RE VERY LUCKY.

THANK YOU. I THINK HE'S A SWEETHEART.

HE'S WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING HIM.

- OKAY, OKAY. YES, THANK YOU. - HEY, GOOD LUCK.

WHAT'S THE END OF THAT FIRST PARAGRAPH?

"UPSTAIRS, THE CHILDREN COWER AND SCREAM."

OKAY. THANK YOU.

TAKING NOTES?

I'M WITH THE NSA.

I SEE.

OUR SYSTEMS ARE DOWN, SO I'M --

I'M DOING IT OLD-SCHOOL, BY LONGHAND.

THANK YOU FOR COOPERATING.

EVER SINCE "OFF THEIR ROCKERS" STARTED,

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PITCHING ME IDEAS FOR A NEW REALITY SHOW.

IT'S ABOUT A FAMILY OF LITTLE PEOPLE

WHO CATCH PORCUPINES WITH THEIR BARE HANDS.

WE'LL CALL IT "LITTLE PRICKS."

UH, BETTY, BACHELORETTES COMPETE

TO BECOME TO BECOME SISTER-WIFE TO A MORMON COUPLE --

WE'LL CALL IT "JOHN AND SUE PLUS YOU."

I DON'T LOVE IT. HMM.

HOW ABOUT THIS -- WE'LL CALL IT "BERMUDA UNWRAPPED."

WELL, GO ON.

IT'S ABOUT FIVE YOUNG, SINGLE MEN

LIVING AND WORKING TOTALLY NUDE IN BERMUDA.

AH.

I HATE IT. OHH.

BUT LET'S CAST IT ANYWAY.

LADIES, PACK YOUR BAGS. I'LL BOOK THE FLIGHTS.

EXCUSE ME.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY TO WIN A $25 IKEA GIFT CARD?

SURE.

IT'LL JUST TAKE A SECOND, OKAY?

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU AN ITEM,

AND THEN I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT IT IS,

AND I JUST WANT YOU TO SPELL IT, OKAY?

OKAY. YOU SEE THIS ONE?

IT'S CALLED A...

F-L-E...UM...

FLERDFULL. D?

OH.

ONE MORE TRY. HERE WE GO.

F-E... KEEP GOING.

U...

K-U...

OKAY, L-L-LET'S TRY ANOTHER ONE.

OKAY, G-R-O-N -- KULA -- K-U-L-A.

OHH. YOU WERE SO CLOSE.

YOU JUST FORGOT THE UMLAUT.

OH. THANK YOU FOR TRYING, OKAY?

- NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT. - OKAY?

UM, COME BACK AND TRY AGAIN. ALL RIGHT.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

YEAH?

WE HAVE A NEW DRESS CODE IN THIS PARTICULAR SECTION OF THE FOOD COURT.

- MM-HMM. - AND, UH, WE WERE HOPING

THAT YOU WOULD DON THE PROPER COAT AND TIE,

AND IF NOT, WE WILL HAVE TO SECURE YOUR MEAL.

MY ASSISTANT IS HERE TO ASSIST YOU.

HAVE A GREAT DAY. THANK YOU.

UH, I'M NOT INTERESTED. THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU PUT THIS ON?

- YOU'RE NOT? - NO.

WELL, THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE YOUR MEAL.

SO, IF YOU'D JUST PUT IT DOWN.

JUST PUT IT DOWN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR DRINK.

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR DRINK.

EXCUSE ME.

MY BOYFRIEND CALLED ME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE

FOR HIM TO BREAK UP WITH ME, AND I'M SO PISSED.

HE TOOK THESE PICTURES AND SENT THEM TO ME.

I WANT TO PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET.

I WANT TO GET EVEN WITH HIM.

I MEAN...

I'M GONNA PUT THIS ON THE INTERNET.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE! HE SENT THESE TO ME.

I WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW -- LOOK AT THAT!

I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE...

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. I'M IN THIS ONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? MM-HMM.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO CALL HIM

AND MAYBE TRY TO MAKE UP WITH HIM.

THANKS. YOU'VE BEEN A LOT OF HELP.

SIR. A MOMENT?

HEY, YEAH. WHAT'S UP?

YEAH, I'M WITH -- I'M WITH PARK SECURITY,

AND WE HAVE A NEW REGULATION

THAT ANYBODY WHO'S SIX FEET TALL

IS TOO TALL FOR THE PARK...

ALL RIGHT. ...BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN BANGING

THEIR HEADS INTO THE BRANCHES,

AND WE GOT, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF SECURITY ISSUES.

ALL RIGHT. THERE'S A LOT OF OVERHANG.

RIGHT. OKAY.

SO, UH, WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO,

FROM HERE ON TO THE EXIT,

IS SHOW ME THAT YOU CAN BE UNDER SIX FEET.

- JUST -- RIGHT. - JUST CROUCH DOWN.

- JUST ABOUT THIS? OKAY. - RIGHT. RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT. JUST KEEP SCHLUMPED.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO STAY IN THAT POSITION.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

RIGHT. STAY SCHLUMPED. STAY SCHLUMPED.

AAH!

- WHAT'S WRONG, DEAR? - ZOMBIE!

OH, THAT'S NOT A ZOMBIE. HE'S JUST SLEEPWALKING.

ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE WHEN HE'S AWAKE.

Man: EXCUSE ME.

ARE ANY OF YOU GUYS, UH, WILLING TO BE

ON "WORLD RECORD BREAKERS," BREAK A WORLD RECORD?

FOR WHAT?

WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY FOR THE LONGEST KISS ON CAMERA.

AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS KISS EDNA FOR THREE MINUTES.

- I'M DOWN. - OKAY, COME ON.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - REED.

REED, STAND RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE.

Man: YOU CAN DO IT!

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS REED, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND WE'RE ON "WORLD RECORD BREAKERS,"

AND REED IS ABOUT TO PERFORM

THE LONGEST ON-CAMERA KISS WITH EDNA.

- THERE YOU GO. - OH, NO!

REED?

THAT'S DECEPTIVE.

♪ LET'S GO CRAZY ♪

♪ COME ON, LET'S GO CRAZY, BABY ♪

♪ LET'S GO, LET'S GO ♪

SIR, EXCUSE ME. CAN I ASK YOU ADVICE, PLEASE?

MY GIRLFRIEND JUST CHANGED HER FACEBOOK STATUS

FROM "RELATIONSHIP" TO "IT'S COMPLICATED."

WOW.

I DON'T KNOW. DID YOU GUYS HAVE AN ARGUMENT RECENTLY?

WE DIDN'T HAVE AN ARGUMENT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I ASKED HER TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH HER BEST FRIEND.

UH, THAT'LL DO IT.

YOU REALLY THINK THAT DID IT? YEAH.

I MEAN, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

- AS A WOMAN? - YEAH, AS A WOMAN?

I WOULD BE UPSET.

"LIKE, YOU THINK I'M NOT ENOUGH?

"WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME TO DO A THREESOME?

NOT ONLY A THREESOME, BUT WITH MY BEST FRIEND."

- AH. - YEAH.

THAT'S REALLY GOOD ADVICE. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA GET SOME CHOCOLATE,

AND MAYBE -- MAYBE SHE'LL RECONSIDER,

AND WE'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL THREESOME, OKAY?

YEAH. THANKS, BUDDY.

- GOOD LUCK. - GOOD LUCK. THANK YOU.

HI. WOULD YOU TAKE MY PICTURE?

SURE.

OH, GOOD.

ENJOY IT.

OH.

HOW YOU DOING TODAY?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

YOU GONNA EAT THAT LIKE THAT?

I GOT CONDIMENTS. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I GOT MUSTARD, KETCHUP.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?

I GOT RANCH DRESSING.

- NO, THANK YOU. - YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?

HOLD ON. HOLD ON. I GOT A CALL.

ONE SECOND.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? RANCH?

OKAY, I'LL BE THERE IN 10 MINUTES.

AND NOW "BETTY WHITE'S PEARLS OF WISDOM."

I MAY BE AN AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS

WITH OVER 70 YEARS' EXPERIENCE IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY,

BUT I'D LIKE TO BE THOUGHT OF FIRST AND FOREMOST

AS A GOOD PERSON.

SO I FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE RULES --

A SMILE CAN BRIGHTEN SOMEONE'S DAY,

DONATE WHATEVER YOU CAN TO CHARITY,

AND IF YOU DO ENOUGH GOOD,

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU GET TO BE BAD.

AND I DO A LOT OF GOOD.