Original subtitles

HEY! WHERE'S MY PIT CREW!

I AM GETTING A FLAT TIRE HERE!

WHERE ARE MY GUYS?

COMING AROUND! OH, COME ON, COME ON!

LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

- I GOT THE MACHINE GOING. - YOU GOT IT, LOU?

COME ON, GUYS!

GO, GO, GO!

COME ON, WHIP IT AROUND!

ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO, BABY.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. - HOW YOU DOING?

YOU GOT IT, LOU? I GOT IT. I SAID, "I GOT IT."

- ALL RIGHT. GO, GO, GO! - GO, GO!

GOOD!

NAILED IT.

AH-CHOO!

OOH!

I AM SO NERVOUS ABOUT MY DATE TONIGHT.

BETTY, WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS GUY?

WELL, I HAVEN'T EXACTLY MET HIM

IN PERSON YET, BUT I FOUND HIM ONLINE.

BUT WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS MAN?

I KNOW HE'S 6'1", ATHLETIC BUILD,

FULL HEAD OF DARK HAIR,

AND HE MADE HIS FORTUNE ON AN INTERNET START-UP.

OH, THAT MUST BE HIM NOW.

"HOTBOD4U"?

"25 AND STILL COUNTING"?

WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT MY LITTLE BLUE PILL IS STARTING TO HUM.

IT'S AWESOME.

I LOVE THAT.

- OH, HI. - WHO IN THE HELL IS SHE?

- A NEW GIRLFRIEND? - NO.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

EVERYTHING WE'VE DONE TOGETHER,

EVERYTHING I'VE TAUGHT YOU, AND YOU'RE USING IT ON HER?

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

GOOD LUCK, HONEY.

HE'LL DUMP YOU, TOO.

YEAH, REALLY.

OH, MY GOSH.

WOW.

THIS PLACE IS SO BIG.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE CARNIVAL RIDES ARE?

YEAH, YOU GO THIS WAY.

- JUST GO STRAIGHT BACK. - JUST RIGHT STRAIGHT DOWN THERE? OH, RIGHT.

GO BACK, AND THEN YOU'LL SEE

- WHERE THE FERRIS WHEEL IS AND ALL THAT STUFF. - OKAY.

CART, COME HERE.

CART, COME HERE.

- I NEED ONE OF THOSE. LOOK AT THAT. - WHAT?

OH, MY GOD.

LET'S GO TO THE CARNIVAL RIDES.

YOU EVER HAD A BUCKET LIST

OF THINGS YOU WANTED TO DO?

NOT YET.

I'VE GOT ONE.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO?

I'M CURIOUS.

I'D REALLY LIKE TO TAKE A PICTURE NUDE.

YOU HAVE A CAMERA?

YOU MESSING WITH ME?

NO.

NO, YOU HAVE A PHONE.

NOPE. NO CAMERA PHONE.

I'LL PAY YOU.

WHEN DO YOU LEAVE?

VERY SOON.

WELL, WE COULD DUCK IN SOMEWHERE.

YOU'RE MAKING MY MORNING WAY INTERESTING.

CAN YOU PICTURE ME ALL STRETCHED OUT IN A BARN?

WOULDN'T THAT BE GOOD?

I DON'T DO BARNS.

JUST GONNA GET ON THE TRAIN, HUH?

YEAH.

I WANT TO RIDE THE TRAIN, TOO, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

HAVE A GOOD TRIP. SAME TO YOU. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU SURE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GIGABYTES THERE ARE IN A TERABYTE?

I'M APPLYING FOR A JOB IN THIS TECH COMPANY...

YEAH.

...AND THEY WANT ME

IN THE EMERGING-DEVELOPMENT DEPARTMENT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A COMPUTER.

I JUST LOVE THROWING PARTIES, ESPECIALLY FOR MY NEIGHBOR.

HE JUST RELEASED HIS FIRST ALBUM.

FRESH COOKIES.

AIN'T NO BUSTAS UP IN HUR.

JUST FLY PLAYERS GETTING OUR CRUNK ON.

YOU DIG?

HEY, TRUE DAT.

- BETTY, YOU FLY. - YOU SMELL ME?

YOU OKAY? OH.

THERE YOU GO.

AH.

PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING FAMOUS.

IS IT FUN GETTING RECOGNIZED,

OR IS IT HARD HAVING TO SIGN THINGS FOR FANS?

I TELL THEM, "IT'S HARD.

VERY HARD."

EXCUSE ME, YOUNG MAN,

YOU KNOW A LOT -- DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THESE PHONES?

HE'S AN EXPERT. "EXPERT."

IS IT AN iPHONE?

YEAH, WELL, IT'S A -- I THINK IT'S A 4.

IT'LL ANSWER ME ANYTHING.

I WANT TO JUST ASK A QUESTION.

IT JUST THRILLS ME.

WHERE'S MY WIFE?

YOUR WIFE, KATHY,

IS AT YOUR HOME ADDRESS WITH PAUL, YOUR OLD BOSS.

OHH.

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

YEAH, YOU BETTER --THAT'S NOT GOOD.

- COME ON, GIRLS! - COME ON, GIRLS!

- YOU'RE DOING IT! - YEAH!

WE GOT A TREAT FOR YOU! YEAH!

THERE YOU GO!

YES. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M SERIOUS. REALLY.

DRINK UP, GIRLS.

YES. NO, YEAH.

ABSOLUTELY.

HOW'S IT TASTE?

THANK YOU!

STAY HYDRATED!

YEAH!

WHAT?!

COULD YOU WATCH THIS FOR ME, GUYS?

SURE.

I WANT TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. - OKAY.

THANK YOU.

CAREFUL.

I LOVE COFFEE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

OH! UH-OH.

CRAP.

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.

MY TEETH -- MY TEETH FELL IN THE COFFEE.

OH, NO!

ARE YOU GONNA BUY HER A NEW COFFEE NOW?

HUH?

LOOK, LET'S NOT SAY ANYTHING TO THE LADY.

OTHERWISE, WE'RE BOTH IN TROUBLE.

THERE.

- UH, I WOULDN'T DRINK THAT. - THANK YOU.

WHY?

HIS TEETH FELL IN IT.

THANKS.

YOU RATTED ME OUT.

TODAY, WE FIND A MALE OF THE SPECIES HOMO SAPIEN

IN HIS ELEMENT, EATING.

THIS SPECIES IS KNOWN FOR THEIR ABILITY

TO HUNT AND GATHER.

BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION,

WE FIND THE MALE OF THE SPECIES EATING IN AN ODD POSITION.

NORMALLY, THEY SIT.

BUT THIS PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL STANDS.

HE IS CLAD IN RED.

HE DRINKS.

HE CHOMPS.

I HAVE TO GO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

BUT KEEP THIS ON RECORD.

WE HAVE FOUND THE MALE OF THE SPECIES HOMO SAPIEN

EATING AS THEY STAND.

REMARKABLE.

WE MAY NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN.

HI, SIR. HI.

CAN I TALK TO YOU A MINUTE? OH.

OKAY, THEN.

UH, HI. HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD. WHAT'S UP?

I'M RUNNING A JAZZERCISE CLASS...

UH-HUH? IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

- MM-HMM. - AND IT'S ONLY 15 MINUTES LONG BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I CAN DO.

WHAT KIND OF WORKOUT IS IT?

WELL, BASICALLY, YOU KNOW, WE JUST STEP AROUND.

LIKE, UH, YOU GO, LIKE, BOOM, BOOM, AND THEN BOOM, BOOM.

AND THEN, I DO THE HEINIE DANCE LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW? UH-HUH.

AND THEN, WE DO A LITTLE BIT OF SHAKING AROUND LIKE THAT.

SHAKING AROUND.

AND WE TUMBLE AROUND LIKE THIS, AND THEN --

IT'S ABOUT GETTING YOUR HEART RATE UP,

ESPECIALLY FOR ME.

UH-HUH. I'LL SEE YOU IN 10 MINUTES...

YEAH. IN MY CLASS, OKAY?

I-I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T PROMISE ANYTHING.

AW, COME ON.

OH, I GOT A STUDENT.

I GOT A STUDENT. I GOT A STUDENT!

COME ON. LET'S GO.

COME ON.

DID I SPELL THAT RIGHT? I CAN'T TELL.

YEAH, "SHUFFLIN'." "SHUFFLIN'"?

I GOT TO GO. THE COPS MIGHT GET ME.

OH, ANN.

I'VE JUST COME FROM ONE OF THOSE CELEBRITY BACHELOR AUCTIONS,

WHERE THEY AUCTION OFF SOME FAMOUS GUY FOR CHARITY,

AND I BROUGHT YOU AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

CLOONEY?

PITT?

PATTINSON?

ASNER!

ASNER?

READY FOR THAT DATE?

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD TIE A CHERRY STEM WITH HIS TONGUE

IN THREE SECONDS FLAT.

MM. ASNER.

BESIDES, I FORGOT MY CHECKBOOK.

COULD YOU PULL THIS OFF FOR ME?

I'M JUST TRYING TO GET TO MY --

WHAT WAS THAT?

JUST PULL MY GLOVE OFF FOR ME.

OH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH, GOOD, GOOD. THANKS. THERE YOU GO.

YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

OH, GOD.

BREAK TIME. OH, YEAH?

FUN.

YEAH, BREAK TIME.

DO YOU WORK HERE AT THE MALL?

UNDER THE MALL.

UNDER THE MALL?

I ACTUALLY, UH... YOU KNOW, LIKE, SANITATION.

OH, OKAY.

SEWER DUTY, YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S ON THOSE GLOVES, BUT...

IT MAKES YOU ITCH.

MY DOCTOR SAYS I SHOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT,

BUT I AIN'T SURE.

USUALLY, DOCTORS KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

EHH.

YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY, YOUNG LADY.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D TAKE A BREAK.

THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

YOU, TOO.

OOH.

OHH. OHH. OOH.

OH, NO. IT CAN'T BE THAT LATE.

IT CAN'T BE.

- WHERE YOU GOING, HONEY? - I'M IN TROUBLE.

MY, GOD! IT CAN'T BE THAT LATE!

EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!

COULD -- COULD YOU JUST TELL ME THE RIGHT TIME?

12:32.

I-I HAVE TO GET HOME TO MY HUSBAND!

OKAY. SAME TIME, SAME BUSH TOMORROW.

- THANKS. - OKAY.

- MWAH! - ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.

THANKS A LOT!

EXCUSE ME. HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN SLEEPING?

OKAY, THANKS.

IT'S MY SISTER.

SHH! DON'T WAKE HER. IT'S MY SISTER.

YEAH.

MA'AM. MA'AM.

IS THAT YOUR SISTER?

SHE JUST RAN OFF WITH YOUR STUFF.

I DON'T HAVE A SISTER.

RIGHT THERE!

GET BACK HERE!

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?

IT'S GOING WELL. GOOD.

HOW ABOUT YOURS?

I'M GOING ALL THE WAY TO FLORIDA.

OH, WOW.

TAKE A TRIP ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH MURRAY.

BECAUSE HE NEVER GOT TO DO WHAT WE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.

AH-CHOO!

OH, GOD.

I'M SO SORRY.

OH, I'M SO SORRY.

NO, IT'S OKAY.

COULD YOU HOLD THIS A SECOND WHILE I CLEAN THIS UP?

OH, OKAY.

WHAT'S UP?

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER BETTY BLOG.

TODAY, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT

WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A GOOD WINGWOMAN.

EVERY GIRL NEEDS A BACKUP

IF SHE'S GONNA TRY TO BAG A HOTTIE AT THE BAR.

YOU DEFINITELY DON'T WANT

A WINGWOMAN THAT'S GONNA COMPETE.

SO, MAYBE PICK SOMEONE WHO'S UGLIER THAN YOU.

ALSO, A GOOD WINGWOMAN NEVER, EVER LETS HER FRIEND

DRINK TOO MUCH OR GETS DRUNK HERSELF.

WOW.

I JUST REALIZED

I'M THE WORST WINGWOMAN IN THE WORLD.

OH, WELL.

SOMEONE'S GOT TO GET SOME ACTION.

OH.

I AM GOING TO PULL MY CAR RIGHT UP TO THE FRONT.

I'LL BE BACK IN ABOUT THREE MINUTES.

SO IF YOU'LL JUST MEET ME OVER THERE.

- NOW, DON'T DAWDLE. - I DON'T WORK HERE.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GOOD TIP.

I DON'T WORK HERE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

HELLO?

HELLO.

YEAH, YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES.

COULD YOU COVER YOUR FOOD FOR ME?

I'VE BEEN ASSIGNED BY MANAGEMENT

TO STAY WITH YOU FOR A FEW MINUTES

BECAUSE OF COMPLAINTS FROM SOME OTHERS.

LET ME JUST CHECK.

WHAT DID THE GENTLEMEN LOOK LIKE THAT YOU WERE SENDING ME?

The complaints were about a gentleman.

One is in a blue, plaid, button-up shirt.

The other is in a gray cardigan sweater.

YEAH, RIGHT. OKAY, I'VE GOT THE RIGHT ONES.

SO --

BODY ODOR.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SHOWERED TODAY OR WHATEVER,

BUT JUST FRESHEN UP A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?

YEAH?

We got another odor complaint

down at the west end of the mall.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, THEN.

YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW, TRY TO FRESHEN UP, OKAY?

HI.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

YES?

I'M STUCK HERE WITHOUT ANY MONEY.

MY HUSBAND --

CAN I USE YOUR PHONE TO CALL MY HUSBAND TO COME GET ME?

YEAH. THANKS.

- TO DIAL. - OH, OH, OH. OKAY.

- OH, WOW. OOH. - IS IT WORKING?

YOU HAVE SOME REALLY HOT PICTURES.

- OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - WHOO-WHOO!

NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YEAH, REALLY. NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, I'M GONNA CALL.

- WHAT? - I'M GONNA CALL.

I JUST HAPPENED TO -- I GOT RID OF IT.

- OH, MY GOD. - OH, MY GOD.

DON'T LOOK AT THE PICTURES.

IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS.

YEAH, I DO.

OOH. GOT TO HAVE THIS TRAY.

I LOVE THESE FOOD TRAYS. THEY'RE SO INCREDIBLE.

LISTEN, I'M GONNA PUT THIS UNDER MY SHIRT, OKAY?

WOULD YOU MAKE SURE I'VE GOT IT UNDER MY SHIRT RIGHT?

OKAY? I NEED TO TAKE THIS TRAY.

IF SOMEONE COMES UP,

JUST CREATE A DISTRACTION, WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MISS. CAN I TELL YOU -- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I THINK THAT YOU'VE BEEN ADMIRING SOMETHING ABOUT ME

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WORKING VERY HARD AT IT, YOU KNOW?

YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING AT MY ASS.

RIGHT THERE. LOOK.

NO, NO, BUT -- NO, NO! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

BUT IT'S OKAY. I'M NOT OFFENDED AT ALL.

I REALLY LOVE IT.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE A NICE "GADONKADONK," TOO.

IT'S A REALLY SWEET CABOOSE.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW -- SEE YOU AROUND.

IT'S WONDERFUL TO LOOK AT.

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME HOW I STAY SO YOUTHFUL.

I TELL THEM I EAT WELL, GET PLENTY OF REST,

AND EVERY THIRD SUNDAY,

I DRINK THE BLOOD OF A VIRGIN.

AND THESE DAYS, THEY'RE GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO FIND.