Original subtitles

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE RAVE IS?

YEAH.

I GOT THIS FLYER, AND I CAME EARLY.

I'M READY TO GO SKANKING. LET'S GO!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WE HAVE A RAVE,

AND IT'S A WONDERFUL RAVING PARTY.

Woman: WE'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU.

COME ON. JOIN US. COME ON.

NAILED IT.

AH-CHOO!

OOH!

HELLO, THERE. I'M BETTY WHITE.

AND THIS IS "OFF THEIR ROCKERS."

A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME WHERE I GET MY ENERGY FROM.

WELL, THAT'S EASY. I DO A LOT OF THIS.

OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES. SLOWLY.

UP...

AND DOWN.

MMM.

UP...

LIKE YOUR HOODIE.

IT WOULD LOOK BETTER ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR.

MISS, I HAVE SOMETHING I'D LIKE YOU TO TRY.

IT'S AN ENERGY DRINK DEVELOPED BY MY SON-IN-LAW.

100% ORGANIC.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

- WHAT'S IN IT? - TRY IT.

GOOD STUFF.

SPECIAL INGREDIENT -- LITTLE CRUNCHY, RIGHT?

YEAH.

GROUND-UP SCORPIONS.

SCORPIONS?

SCORPIONS. YOU KNOW.

REAL SCORPIONS?

SCORPIONS ARE A GREAT SOURCE OF PROTEIN.

YEAH.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I CAN'T DRINK IT MYSELF.

I FELT GREAT, BUT THEN THE RASH AND THE DIARRHEA --

I JUST DON'T TOUCH IT.

SEE HOW YOU FEEL IN ABOUT A HALF-HOUR.

EXCUSE ME. COULD YOU HELP ME FOR A SECOND?

WELL, I CAN'T READ THIS TEXT.

I DON'T HAVE MY GLASSES.

OH, OKAY.

IT SAYS, "GET HOME AND MAKE --" WHAT?

"GET HOME AND MAKE MY DINNER, WOMAN"?

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - THAT'S AWFUL.

IT'S AWFUL. YOU HAVE TO TEXT BACK FOR ME.

OKAY. TELL HIM THIS.

"ASK THAT FLOOZY TWO DOORS DOWN TO MAKE DINNER FOR YOU "

JUST SAY -- YEAH.

REALLY? YES, REALLY.

- WHO IS THIS PERSON? - WELL, IT'S MY HUSBAND.

I WANT YOU TO SAY, "I'M HAVING DINNER WITH MORTY."

WELL, I SAID, "ASK THAT FLOOZY TWO DOORS DOWN

"TO MAKE YOUR DINNER

I'M HAVING DINNER WITH MORTY."

I GOT TO GO. OKAY. I'M SO --

OH, YOU WERE FABULOUS.

YOU MIGHT HAVE SAVED MY MARRIAGE.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, CUTIE!

ARE YOU GONNA TAKE THE TWO SHOTS LIKE I DID,

OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA HIT ME OUT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU'LL NEVER WIN NOW.

WOMEN DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO PLAY THIS GAME.

OOH!

AND NOW NEITHER DO YOU.

THANK YOU!

I'M GETTING MARRIED IN SEPTEMBER, AND I'M GOING --

OOH! THANK YOU!

LISTEN, I'M ON MY BACHELORETTE SCAVENGER HUNT.

AND I'VE HAD TO GET PEOPLE TO --

HOT GUYS -- TO BITE OFF MY CANDIES.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOUR HOT GUY

WOULD HELP ME WITH MY BACHELORETTE PARTY.

OH, FANTASTIC.

OH, HE'S GONNA GET ONE. OKAY.

OH, FANTASTIC.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I HAVE TO GET VERY HOT GUYS TO BITE MY CANDY OFF

AND THEN SIGN AND PROVE THAT THEY DID.

WOULD YOU BITE ONE OF MY CANDIES OFF?

WOULD YOU WRITE A TRAMP STAMP ON MY BACK?

YEAH. SO, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

THAT'S GREAT.

I RECENTLY NOTICED THAT LUXURY WATER COMPANIES

ARE USING ADDITIVES, OVERCHARGING THE PUBLIC,

HIRING A CELEBRITY SPOKESPERSON,

AND THEN CALLING THEMSELVES SMART.

SO I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

WHY NOT CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN AND GIVE THE PUBLIC A LOW PRICE,

LOCAL, ADDITIVE-FREE WATER BOTTLED AT THE SOURCE?

NOW, I CALL THAT...

GENIUS.

HEY, DORK.

THANKS FOR THE GUMMIE BEARS.

NOW BUY SOME YOURSELF.

EXCUSE ME. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THIS PIER'S BEEN HERE?

LIKE, WHEN DID THE WOOD BECOME THE...

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

I'M SORRY. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

DO YOU KNOW WHEN THE WOODEN PIER WAS TAKEN DOWN

AND THEY BUILT THE --

OH, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.

OH, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. SAY AGAIN?

I SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHEN THE WOOD PIER WAS TAKEN DOWN?

OOH. OOH. AH, YEAH.

OH. OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS MY JAM.

WHAT IS IT? THIS IS MY JAM.

OH. IT'S MY JAM!

OH! YES!

YES!

WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

COULD YOU HELP ME OUT FOR A MINUTE

AND TAKE A LITTLE VIDEO?

UH...

IT'LL JUST TAKE A MINUTE. HERE, STAND OVER HERE.

OKAY.

- HI. - WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

THIS LAST YEAR THAT WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER

HAS BEEN BY FAR THE GREATEST YEAR OF MY LIFE,

AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK YOU.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT'S GOING ON?

ARE YOU PROPOSING TO ME?

YEAH.

I TOLD YOU AT THE VERY BEGINNING

THAT THIS WAS A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP AND THAT'S IT.

HE'S ASKING ME TO MARRY HIM?

I'M SORRY.

NO. RECORD THIS.

NO, THANKS!

I DON'T THINK THAT WENT TOO WELL.

DID I DO ANYTHING WRONG?

UM...

OH, MY GOD.

THANK YOU.

HEY, HONEY!

BETTY, I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I SENT A TEXT TO THIS GUY I REALLY LIKE,

AND HE HASN'T TEXTED ME BACK YET.

WELL, STOP CHECKING YOUR PHONE EVERY TWO SECONDS.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE YOURSELF SICK WITH TEXT-PECTATIONS.

WELL, WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

OH, GO FOR A JOG.

READ A BOOK. WATCH A MOVIE.

DO ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF

TO GET YOUR MIND OFF WAITING FOR HIS TEXT.

WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO

TO GET YOUR MIND OFF WAITING FOR A TEXT?

I'D TEXT MY BACKUP GUY.

AND THEN SUDDENLY THE FIRST GUY TEXTS ME BACK.

LIKE -- LIKE A KARMIC RESPONSE.

NO, LIKE A JEALOUS RESPONSE.

THEY'RE BEST FRIENDS.

AND MY BACKUP GUY CAN'T KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT.

RUN! RUN! HURRY!

COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT!

YOU CAN DO IT! YES!

COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT!

COME ON! COME ON!

YOU CAUGHT US IN THE MIDDLE OF A PITCH MEETING.

I'M LOOKING FOR A NEW PROJECT.

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE, BETTY?

YOU PLAY THIS GORGEOUS WOMAN

THAT HAS TO TAKE DOWN THE WHOLE RUSSIAN MOB TO SAVE HER FAMILY.

NO. TOO BORING.

Woman: HOW ABOUT THIS?

IT'S A HEROIC STORY OF THE FIRST WOMAN TO CLIMB MT. EVEREST.

NO. I'M LOOKING FOR A CHALLENGE.

Man: HERE'S A SCRIPT THAT'S JUST CALLED

"THE UNTITLED ROMANTIC GEORGE CLOONEY PROJECT."

OH, LET ME SEE THAT.

MM!

I LIKE WHAT I'M SEEING HERE.

WHAT?

IT'S IMPORTANT FOR ME TO STRETCH.

YOU KNOW, AS AN ARTIST.

EXCUSE ME.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH A BULLY?

I HAVEN'T.

WELL, I'VE BEEN TALKING TO MY GRANDSON HERE, OKAY?

HE'S HAVING A PROBLEM,

AND WHAT I TOLD HIM WAS THAT YOU CAN'T TALK TO A BULLY.

YOU HAVE TO STAND UP TO A BULLY.

AND I'M TELLING HIM THAT HE'S GOT TO GO IN THERE

AND HE'S GOT TO HIT THAT KID IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS --

NO? YOU DON'T THINK SO?

OH, YOU'RE A TEACHER.

SO THEY KNOW NOT TO MESS WITH YOU.

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M OLD-SCHOOL. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I WAS BULLIED WHEN I WAS A KID,

AND THE ONLY WAY I STOPPED IT WAS I WENT UP TO THAT KID,

AND I HIT HIM IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS,

AND THEN I TOOK HIS EYE,

AND I GAVE HIM THE EYEBALL GOUGE,

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNEW, I HAD RESPECT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S GO FIND THIS KID AND DO SOME ASS-KICKING.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

COULD I INTRUDE FOR A SECOND?

WHICH ONE OF THESE DO YOU LIKE FOR MY WIFE?

I'M GONNA TRY IT ON. SHE'S MY SIZE.

I'M GONNA TRY IT ON JUST SO I MAKE SURE I GET THE RIGHT ONE.

OH, MY GOD.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

AND IF THIS WORKS --

'CAUSE SHE'S -- YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT SVELTE.

THAT'S CLOSE.

I'M GONNA TAKE THIS.

I'D TAKE THAT ONE OVER THE BLUE ONE.

- OVER THE BLUE ONE. - YEAH.

THANKS A MILLION. I APPRECIATE IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

CAN I SIT HERE A MINUTE?

I WAS READING MY HOROSCOPE TODAY,

AND IT SAID I WOULD ENCOUNTER SOMETHING

REALLY, REALLY SPECIAL, SO, THERE YOU ARE.

I JUST GOT TO TELL YOU, I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO -- YOU DON'T HAVE TO AGREE OR ANYTHING.

I JUST WANT TO JUST POUR OUT MY HEART

BECAUSE IT'S A WONDERFUL DAY AND I FEEL SO ALIVE.

I FEEL SO WONDERFUL THAT I JUST HAD TO SAY THIS.

AND YOU KNOW THE WONDERFUL THING IS

THAT WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON WHERE WE'RE THE OPPOSITE SEX.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M A VERY SKILLED LOVER.

OKAY.

I REALLY AND TRULY AM.

IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND?

YOUR HUSBAND. WELL, THAT'S OKAY.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH HAVING ANOTHER PERSON AROUND.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.

YOU'RE NOT HURT BY WHAT I'M SAYING, THOUGH, ARE YOU?

I'M SHOCKED.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M AN OLDER GUY,

BUT WE COULD START A WHOLE NEW LIFE TOGETHER.

HOW -- HOW DID I END UP IN THIS SITUATION?

WELL... THANK YOU.

BUT I'LL JUST GO ON AND, YOU KNOW...

NICE TO HAVE MET YOU.

SEE YOU. SEE YOU LATER.

AND IT'S YOUR LOSS.

SIR?

WE HAVE A NEW POLICY.

WE WANT TO ENSURE THAT ALL OUR PATRONS

ENJOY THE BEST POSSIBLE MOVIE EXPERIENCE,

SO I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO PUT YOUR CELLPHONE IN THIS BOX.

REALLY? YEAH.

YEAH.

WE CAN'T HAVE CELLPHONES IN THE THEATER ANYMORE.

SO, IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND.

I-I-I CAN'T DO THAT. I'M SORRY.

REALLY? WHY NOT?

I NEED TO HAVE MY CELLPHONE. I TURN MY CELLPHONE OFF.

LOOK, I DIDN'T MAKE THE RULE.

RICHARD. RICHARD.

WHAT? HANG ON.

WE CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT THIS MAN IS DOING.

OOH!

WHEN I TOOK HIS PHONE, LOOK WHAT HE WAS WATCHING.

LOOK WHERE HIS FOOT IS.

IS THAT HIS FOOT?

YES!

THAT'S HIS FOOT? YES.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE REST OF THIS!

WATCH IT IN THE OFFICE. LET'S GO IN THE OFFICE.

WOW.

GOSH, DO I LOVE GARDENING.

AFTER AN AFTERNOON WITH MY FLOWERS,

I FEEL REFRESHED, REJUVENATED...

...READY FOR THE REST OF MY DAY.

IT'S TANGO TIME.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING TODAY?

NOT BAD. HOW ABOUT YOURSELF?

I'M DOING GOOD.

JUST RESTING A LITTLE BIT BEFORE I GET ON THE TRAIN.

YOU GUYS GOING SOMEWHERE?

RHODE ISLAND.

THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING.

YEAH!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY CUTE.

AND I WAS WONDERING -- I'VE ALWAYS HAD THIS FANTASY...

TO HAVE A THREESOME ON THE TRAIN.

I HEARD THAT IT'S, LIKE, BETTER

WHEN YOU'RE GOING LIKE 100 MILES AN HOUR.

SO, YOU'D BE INTERESTED?

UM...

IT'LL BE WORTH YOUR WHILE, REALLY.

WE'LL HASH IT OUT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH, MY GOSH.

OH, MY GOSH. OH, MY GOSH.

I LOST MY WEDDING RING. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IT WAS ON MY FINGER JUST A MINUTE AGO,

AND IT'S NOT ANYWHERE.

DO YOU SEE ANYTHING DOWN HERE?

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!

OH.

OH, MY GOSH.

MY BOYFRIEND JUST TEXTED ME.

I LEFT IT ON THE NIGHTSTAND.

I'M SO RELIEVED. OH! THANK GOODNESS.

OH!

LADIES, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

THANK YOU.

OH, I'M GIVING AWAY FREE FLIGHTS TO HAWAII.

Woman: WE HAVE TO SIGN UP AND GIVE OUR E-MAIL?

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIGN ANYTHING UP.

YOU JUST HAVE TO BE MY DATE. THAT'S ALL.

MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS GETTING MARRIED,

AND I'D LIKE TO WALK IN WITH SOMEBODY LIKE YOU GUYS.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

IT WOULD REALLY BE JUST WONDERFUL IF THAT COULD HAPPEN.

AND IF THAT WORKS OUT,

WE COULD DO IT CHRISTMASTIME AND MAYBE EVEN EASTER.

I DON'T KNOW.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO HAWAII?

YEAH, I'VE BEEN.

BUT NOT WITH SOMEBODY I DON'T KNOW.

UH, YOU KNOW, I COULD TAKE YOU OUT BEFORE WE GO.

THAT'S SO CRAZY. BUT, NO, THANKS.

YOU SURE?

WELL, YOU'RE MISSING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE.

THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME, I'LL TELL YOU.

BYE!

HI. DO YOU HAVE A PHONE I CAN BORROW?

MINE IS DEAD.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HOLA.

FERNANDO?

AH!

I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN SO LONG.

WHAT IS THE WEATHER IN SPAIN?

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE THINGS I WANT TO DO

IS GO TO A BULL FIGHT.

WHAT TIME AM I CALLING YOU THERE?

OH, YOU'RE KIDDING. I'M SO SORRY.

I WOKE YOU? OH, MY GOD.

NO, IT ISN'T -- THIS PHONE CALL ISN'T COSTING ME ANYTHING.

WE CAN TALK FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.

YEAH. HOW IS YOUR MOTHER?

YES.

YOU KNOW, SHE GAVE ME A WONDERFUL RECIPE.

I CAN'T WAIT TO TASTE HER COOKING AGAIN.

OH, YES.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

BYE.

I GOT TO GO. HERE'S YOUR PHONE.

THANK YOU.

I OFTEN GET ASKED,

"WHAT'S THE SECRET TO A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE?"

I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER,

BUT A VERY OLD FRIEND OF MINE SAID,

"FOLLOW YOUR BLISS

"AND THE UNIVERSE WILL OPEN DOORS

WHERE THERE WERE ONLY WALLS."

OH, DEAR, DEAR CONFUCIUS.

HE WAS A WISE MAN.

AH.

MADE GOOD COOKIES, TOO.

MMM.