Original subtitles

HI.

EXCUSE US.

WE HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM. MY DAUGHTER...

AND MY SON...

THEY WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

AND, WELL...

MY SON HAS A PROBLEM.

HE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH SPERM COUNT.

SO, WE NEED A DONOR.

WE'VE GOT SOME CONTAINERS IN THE CAR, AND WE'LL PAY YOU.

THERE'S A BATHROOM RIGHT OVER HERE.

WE HAVE SOME MAGAZINES TO GET YOU IN THE MOOD

IN THE CAR, TOO.

YOU DON'T NEED A MAGAZINE?

SO, WE SHOULD GO GET THE CUP?

HOW 'BOUT THIS? OKAY.

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE RIGHT HERE?

YES, WE ARE. WE'LL BE HERE.

JUST GIVE US A MINUTE, AND I'LL BE BACK.

OKAY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AND IF THE TWO OF YOU WANT TO GET IN ON THIS,

REALLY, YOU'RE WELCOME.

NAILED IT.

OOH!

HI THERE.

I'M BETTY WHITE, AND WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS."

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I'VE NEVER DONE A VIDEO-DATING PROFILE BEFORE.

BUT HERE GOES.

WELL, THAT'S A LITTLE ABOUT ME.

CALL ME.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M MEETING A FRIEND FOR LUNCH,

AND I THOUGHT THERE WAS A CONCESSION STAND HERE.

DO YOU KNOW OF ANY RESTAURANTS AROUND HERE?

UM, RESTAURANTS.

LIKE, WHAT KIND? DO YOU KNOW--

I'M JUST ASKING TO FIND A PLACE TO EAT,

AND YOU'RE COMING ONTO ME.

OH, YOU'RE PICKING UP ON ME IN THE PARK.

UNBELIEVABLE. SHAME ON YOU.

Woman on P.A.: YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES TO SAN DIEGO...

HEY, MOM.

I'M SITTING HERE, AND I'M WAITING, YOU KNOW...

I HATE TO BOTHER YOU.

I WAS WONDERING,

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO WATCH MY WIFE

JUST FOR ONE MINUTE WHILE I GO TO THE BATHROOM?

YEAH, SURE.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANKS. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- MY NAME IS JESSICA. - JESSICA, OKAY.

JESSICA, OKAY.

JESSICA, THIS IS PHYLLIS.

OKAY?

OKAY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

EXCUSE ME.

THIS IS SORT OF EMBARRASSING,

BUT I WANTED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

YES, MA'AM.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A-- BEEN WAXED?

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOTTEN A WAX-- LIKE A BIKINI WAX?

NO, MA'AM.

OH, GOD.

WELL, I GOT THIS BRAZILIAN BIKINI WAX,

BUT NOW I'M SO SORE, AND I HAVE A DATE.

DO YOU THINK I DARE GO ON MY DATE?

HE'S AWFULLY CUTE.

I'M AFRAID THAT I MIGHT DO MYSELF OR HIM SOME HARM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH...I'D STILL GO.

JUST EXPLAIN TO HIM WHAT HAPPENED.

YOU THINK SO? YOU THINK HE'D UNDERSTAND?

IT'S ALL ABOUT UNDERSTANDING.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I'LL JUST PUT SOME SALVE ON IT

AND SOME ICE OR SOMETHING.

YES, MA'AM.

AND GIVE IT A WHIRL, 'CAUSE HE'S SO CUTE.

HE'S VERY MUCH LIKE YOU.

YES, MA'AM.

BYE. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE.

- I SO APPRECIATE IT. - YES, MA'AM.

SO ANYWAY, I'M OUT ON THE BALCONY,

HOLDING THIS TOOL BY THE ANKLES.

I TELL HIM, "LISTEN, BUDDY.

"IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME THAT PART,

"I WILL DROP YOU FASTER

THAN A FAT CHICK IN A BROKEN ELEVATOR."

SO, WHAT HAPPENED?

SEVEN SEASONS ON "THE GOLDEN GIRLS."

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, HI THERE.

IT'S SO EASY TO GET CAUGHT UP USING FACEBOOK.

I CAN KEEP IN TOUCH WITH MY FRIENDS.

I CAN PLAY FUN GAMES.

AND BEST OF ALL, I CAN GET POKED ALL DAY LONG.

OH, BOY.

LOOKS LIKE I HAVE A LONG DAY

OF UNTAGGING PHOTOS AHEAD OF ME.

LAKE HAVASU WAS WILD THIS YEAR.

TODAY, WE OBSERVE THE FEEDING HABITS

OF THE TWO YOUNG MALES OF THE SPECIES

IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT--

THE FOOD COURT AT THE MALL.

ONE HAS POUNCED ON THE PIZZA,

WHILE THE OTHER ONE HAS GONE FOR THE FRENCH FRIES

AND CARBONATED BEVERAGE.

IT'S FASCINATING.

PERHAPS A CLOSER LOOK

JUST TO SEE WHAT TOPPINGS HE CHOSE.

OH, I THINK I'VE BEEN-- I'VE BEEN COMPROMISED.

I THINK IT'S TIME TO BEAT A HASTY RETREAT,

NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT SO AS NOT TO BECOME THEIR NEXT MEAL.

I HAVE THIS THING, AND IT'S NOT LIKE A GIFT CARD.

IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT I COULD GET, LIKE,

THE PRICE OF A MOVIE'S WORTH OF CANDY?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE PREMIUM POPCORN FROM CORN MADE FROM IOWA CORN.

ALL RIGHT, CAN I USE THIS FOR IT?

IT'S 50 BUCKS A BAG.

THAT'S CRAZY.

UNDER THE TABLE. UNDER THE TABLE.

I'LL GIVE YOU A BIG DISCOUNT, OKAY?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WAIT, WHAT?

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE OLVERA STREET IS?

YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY JUST UP ACROSS THE STREET.

YEAH, JUST LIKE, WHEN YOU GO OUT THE FRONT DOOR,

IT'S, LIKE, UP ON THE CORNER.

YEAH?

IT'S LIKE CATTY-CORNER TO IT.

OKAY, SO, I CROSS THIS STREET AND GO TO MY RIGHT.

YEAH, GO TO YOUR RIGHT. GO ACROSS THE STREET.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE DIAGONAL TO HERE.

BUT IT'S JUST ACROSS THE STREET.

YEAH, CAN I TELL YOU ONE THING?

YEAH.

WHEN YOU TALK TO LADY,

LOOK AT HER EYES, NOT AT HER BOOBS.

CAN YOU HELP ME UPDATE MY TWEETER STATUS?

I JUST CAN'T SEE THE KEYBOARD.

CAN YOU TYPE IT IN FOR ME?

JUST TYPE IT IN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TYPE?

OKAY, JUST TYPE, "SURGERY GOOD."

"SURGERY GOOD."

AND THEN "THEY'RE GONE."

"THEY'RE GONE. "YEAH.

AND ONE MORE SENTENCE.

"I FEEL LIKE... A...NEW...WOMAN."

AND THEN THERE'S A LITTLE HASH TAG.

THERE'S A LITTLE HASH TAG RIGHT THERE.

AND THEN IT SAYS POST-OP.

IT'S AMAZING HOW MANY OF MY FOLLOWERS

WANT TO KEEP UP WITH MY SEX CHANGE.

OKAY.

SO WHY IS SANDY POSTING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE?

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WHAT? FACEBOOK.

SANDY GARVIN POSTING ON YOUR FACEBOOKS PAGE.

YEAH, SO?

SO, SO, SHE'S YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND.

COME ON. I'M SORRY.

DO YOU THINK IT'S WRONG FOR HIM

TO POST ON HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND ON FACEBOOK?

I THINK IT'S AWFUL.

SHE WAS MY GIRLFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL.

THAT WAS OVER 60 YEARS AGO.

THAT'S RIGHT.

60. 60. COUNT THEM.

I THINK YOU'RE HORRIBLE.

IT'S NOT LIKE I POKED HER OR ANYTHING.

HI, EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?

HELP AN OLD LADY FOR A SECOND, WOULD YOU?

OH, YOU'RE A DEAR.

ARE YOU A WRITER?

NO.

I'M JUST TRYING TO WRITE THIS THING,

AND I CHANGED GENRES.

I'M WRITING AN EROTIC NOVEL IS THE THING,

AND IT'S SOMETHING I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE.

I'M VERY CONSERVATIVE,

SO I'M TRYING TO STEP OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE.

BUT I'M, LIKE, BLOCKED.

I'M LOOKING FOR A WONDERFUL WORD,

BEAUTIFUL WORD, SEXY WORD FOR ORGASM.

EVERYBODY SAYS "ORGASM, ORGASM."

IF YOU HAD TO DESCRIBE THAT MOMENT,

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THAT MOMENT?

GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT'S...

OH, I'VE GOT MY NOTES EVERYWHERE.

OKAY. I'M SPEECHLESS.

I DON'T KNOW.

I GOT TO GO. REALLY?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

WHY? THE SEX IS EVERYWHERE.

I MEAN, I'M OLD, BUT I REMEMBER IT.

BUH-BYE. THANK YOU.

HERE YOU GO. HERE YOU GO.

JEFF, HE'S AT THE TOP OF THE HILL.

HAND IT TO HIM.

COME ON, RUN. WE GOT TO MAKE TIME.

COME ON, GANG.

WE CAN COME UP WITH AN IDEA FOR A VIRAL VIDEO.

WE JUST HAVE TO GET OUR HEADS TOGETHER.

WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING WITH A CAT?

NO. NO.

WHAT ABOUT PLANKING?

IS THAT STILL POPULAR?

NO.

I GUESS WE JUST HAVE TO GO WITH THE CLASSIC.

HITTING SOMEONE IN THE CROTCH.

AW, WHY ME?

SO, WE'RE GONNA GET SOMEBODY.

OH, HONEY, OKAY.

SIR, WOULD YOU TOSS A COIN FOR ME?

WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE DISCUSSION HERE,

A DISAGREEMENT.

OKAY.

WE NEED AN IMPARTIAL FLIPPER.

GO AHEAD. FLIP IT UP.

HEADS! OH, I WIN.

OH, FINE.

I'LL SEE IF GENIE WANTS TO DO A THREE-WAY,

BUT PLEASE DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME WHEN IT STARTS TO GET WEIRD.

HEY, THE WEIRDER, THE BETTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OKAY.

YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS.

HUH? YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS.

FOR WHAT?

HEY, I TRIED TO WARN YOU.

- HI. HOW YOU DOING, SIR? - HEY.

I GOT THE ORGAN.

JUST--JUST LEAVE THE MONEY IN THIS ENVELOPE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING, OKAY?

THIS IS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY KIDNEY, MAN.

PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

WHAT THE IT'S FRESH.

I JUST HARVESTED IT.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

LEAVE THE MONEY HERE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU LOOK LIKE A NICE GUY.

I'M GONNA THROW IN THE COOLER.

I'LL BE BACK FOR THE MONEY.

YOU TOOK OFF EARLY! YOU CHEATED!

I NEVER CHEAT!

I'M JUST BETTER!

I'M WINNING!

HEY!

AH, YOU'RE CHEATING AGAIN, JO MARIE!

OH, THAT MUST BE THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

COME IN!

MISS WHITE, I'M HERE TO RESCUE YOU.

OH, I'M OKAY.

THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY.

MISS WHITE, ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, UH, I'M FINE.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

MISS WHITE, ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE.

I THINK SOMETHING'S ON FIRE.

I THINK I FOUND THE PROBLEM, MISS WHITE.

IT'S THIS SMOKE MACHINE.

I THOUGHT I HAD TURNED THAT OFF.

I MEAN, LIKE,

THE BEER-BATTERED FISH SANDWICH SOUNDS GOOD...

HEY, THIS IS LOU CUTELL AND MIKE YAMA AT THE JUNKYARD CAFE.

WE'RE LOOKING AT THIS YOUNG COUPLE HERE.

THEY SEEM TO BE OUT ON A ROMANTIC EVENING.

I SEE SOME SMILES.

OH, HO, HO, THIS IS GONNA BE GLORIOUS.

SHE IS REALLY VERY EXCITED.

I DON'T KNOW.

GOING OUT FOR A ROMANTIC EVENING IN A T-SHIRT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT I THINK HE'S GONNA SCORE TONIGHT.

LET ME TELL YOU.

SOMEONE'S GONNA GET VERY LUCKY.

WELL, LOOK AT HIS BODY LANGUAGE.

I THINK SOMETHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.

SOMETHING SPECIAL'S GONNA HAPPEN.

THIS IS LOU CUTELL...

AND MICHAEL YAMA...

SIGNING OFF IN SIMI VALLEY.

EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR

AND TAKE A VIDEO OF ME

FOR ME TO SEND TO MY GRANDCHILDREN?

SURE, SURE.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

IF YOU COULD JUST STAND RIGHT HERE.

IT'S ALL SET.

YOU JUST PUSH THE BUTTON ON THE TOP.

I'M GONNA STAND BACK HERE.

HI, MICHAEL AND NICKY.

IT'S GRANNY. I'M HERE IN HOLLYWOOD.

I'M ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

I'M HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME ON VACATION.

I SAW THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN.

TOMORROW, I'M GONNA GO TO SOME OF THE AMUSEMENT PARKS,

AND I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOME MOVIE STARS.

I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY YET.

THIS GENTLEMAN HERE IS VERY HANDSOME.

MAYBE HE'S IN THE MOVIES.

I'LL HAVE TO ASK HIM IF HE'S IN THE MOVIES.

BUT IT'S REALLY EXCITING BEING HERE.

WHAT? WHAT?

HIM? NO, THAT'S OKAY.

HE CAN JUST STAND THERE.

THAT'S OKAY.

SO I'M GOING TO THE AMUSEMENT PARK TOMORROW,

AND IT'S GONNA BE LOTS OF FUN.

AND I KNOW I'M GONNA ENJOY MYSELF.

SORRY THAT YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE THERE WITH ME.

IS THIS A PROBLEM FOR YOU?

WHAT?

REALLY, IT'S OKAY.

- NO, NO, NO, WATCH. - I'LL GET SOMEBODY ELSE.

WATCH THIS. THAT'S OKAY.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

COULD YOU COME HERE FOR A SECOND?

COULD YOU MAKE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR ME FOR BEER?

LISTEN, YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY NEED BEER.

COULD YOU JUST BLOCK ME FOR A SECOND?

OH, GOD.

I NEEDED THAT.

THANKS SO MUCH.

THANKS.

HEY, YOU LIKE HIP-HOP, RIGHT?

CHECK OUT MY RHYME.

OKAY. HERE GOES MY RHYME.

YOU READY?

- I'M READY. - COME ON.

DIG IT.

DON'T MESS WITH ME, FOOL ♪

♪ BECAUSE I'M NO TALKER ♪

♪ I ROLL SO HARD, I GOT RIMS ON MY WALKER ♪

♪ AND EVEN THOUGH MY KNEE IS CREAKIN' ♪

♪ I TAKE A PILL, I CAN GET MY FREAK ON ♪

YEAH.

♪ I CAN STAND TALL AND I CAN DO MY DUTY ♪

♪ SO IF YOU'RE FEELIN' FUNKY AND YOU'RE LOOKIN' FINE ♪

♪ BITCH, TAKE A NUMBER AND GET IN LINE ♪

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, HEY.

MC DECAF CAPPUCCINO.

HOW ABOUT SOME CHIPS, EVERYONE?

THANK YOU.

OH, HI, EVERYONE.

MY FAVORITE NIGHT OF THE WEEK-- GAME NIGHT.

TONIGHT, WE'RE PLAYING CELEBRITY.

YOU KNOW, THE GAME WHERE SOMEBODY GIVES YOU A CLUE,

AND THEN YOU GUESS WHO THE STAR IS?

WHO GOES FIRST?

YOU AND MICHAEL.

ALL RIGHT.

SOMEONE YOU WORKED WITH.

OH. NARROW IT DOWN.

SOMEONE YOU DATED.

NARROW IT DOWN.

SOMEONE YOU DATED LAST WEEK.

WE COULD BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY.