Original subtitles

OH, MY GOD! OH!

OH, IT'S NOT FOR ME.

OH!

NAILED IT.

AH-CHOO!

♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ♪

NO!

OOH!

OH, HI, THERE. WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS."

NeNe AND I WERE JUST TALKING

ABOUT SOME OF OUR FAVORITE BREAK-UP SONGS.

WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN I AM FEELING RICH AND FABULOUS,

I LIKE TO LISTEN TO "I WILL SURVIVE."

OH, POOR ROBERT PATTINSON

BLASTED THAT FOR MOST OF LAST YEAR.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHEN I AM FEELING BITTER AND ANGRY,

I LIKE TO LISTEN TO "BEFORE HE CHEATS."

OH, THERE'S NOTHING THAT HEALS A BROKEN HEART

LIKE A TALE OF REVENGE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

"UN-BREAK MY HEART,"

OR ARE YOU A "SINCE U BEEN GONE" TYPE OF CHICK?

OH, NeNe, YOU KNOW ME.

I'M NOT REALLY ONE TO SIT AROUND AND WALLOW.

WHAT'S YOUR BREAK-UP SONG?

"IT'S RAINING MEN."

HALLELUJAH!

HI.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

I SAW SOMETHING THAT REALLY LOOKED INTERESTING.

OOH, IT'S HEAVY. WHAT IS THIS?

MIRRORS. OH.

THEY'RE LITTLE HEXAGONS.

THAT'S NICE. OH, I LIKE IT.

I THINK I'LL KEEP IT. THANK YOU.

UM, WHAT?

WHAT?!

OKAY.

EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

I TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND I COULD NOT MEET HER DOWN HERE,

'CAUSE I WAS MEETING MY NEW BOYFRIEND,

AND SHE'S JUST PARKING THE CAR.

COULD YOU JUST BE MY BOYFRIEND FOR A SECOND,

AND JUST KIND OF, YOU KNOW, FAKE IT WITH ME?

PLEASE? OKAY. OH, THERE SHE IS!

- HELEN, HOW ARE YOU? - OH, HI, DOTTIE!

THIS IS DOTTIE.

OH, WELL, NICE TO MEET YOU.

THIS IS FRANK.

OH, HI, FRANK. AND WHERE'D Y'ALL MEET?

ISN'T HE DARLING?

UH, WHERE DID WE MEET? AT THE DOG PARK?

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A DOG.

WELL, NO. I HAD MY GIRLFRIEND'S.

MY GOODNESS, YOU ARE A FLIRTY YOUNG THING, AREN'T YOU?

YOU LIKE THEM YOUNG, DON'T YOU?

WELL, YOU KNOW. YOU CAN'T BLAME ME, CAN YOU?

DO YOU REALLY DO IT THREE TIMES A DAY?

YOU ARE EMBARRASSING US, DOTTIE. PLEASE.

OKAY, WELL, Y'ALL DO WHAT YOU DO.

I'M GONNA GO HAVE BREAKFAST WITH THE GIRLS.

BYE-BYE. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

BYE-BYE.

YOU ARE SO CUTE. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LISTEN, YOU KNOW, HOW ABOUT A MOVIE?

TONIGHT?

TODAY, TONIGHT -- YEAH. RIGHT NOW!

DO WE GET YOUR SENIOR-CITIZEN DISCOUNT?

ABSOLUTELY!

HELL YEAH!

GET THE BANANAS!

Man: I DON'T WANT BANANAS.

NOW, PLEASE, GET THE BANANAS.

NO. I'M NOT GETTING BANANAS. I'M GETTING BANANA-CREAM PIE.

I'M GONNA EAT WHAT I WANT TO EAT.

IF YOU ATE WHAT YOU WANTED TO EAT,

YOU'D EAT PIZZA ALL DAY.

JUST GET THE BANANAS. WOULD YOU HOLD THIS, SIR?

WHAT'D YOU BRING ME HERE FOR? YOU KNOW I WANTED TO STAY HOME.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME STAY HOME?

YOU SHOULD STAY HOME!

YES!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I CAN STAY HOME.

YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE!

YOU'RE A DRAMA QUEEN. YOU KNOW THAT?

I'M GONNA WAIT IN THE CAR.

OKAY, LET'S START

OUR "OFF THEIR ROCKERS" EMPLOYEE REVIEWS.

RICHARD, IT SAYS YOU PANTSED

OVER A DOZEN PEOPLE ON THE BOARDWALK LAST WEEK.

AND, MICHAEL,

YOU WERE BANNED FROM THE GROCERY STORE

FOR BREAKING A RECORD-NUMBER OF PICKLE JARS AND WATERMELONS?

AND, ANN, IT SAYS HERE YOU WERE DISRUPTIVE,

REBELLIOUS, AND SHOCKED AND OFFENDED COUNTLESS PEOPLE.

CONGRATULATIONS, ANN.

YOU ARE OUR "OFF THEIR ROCKERS" EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

YOU'RE REALLY MOVING UP THE LADDER.

JUST DON'T YOU FORGET WHO'S BOSS.

EXCUSE ME, GIRLS.

JUST A MOMENT. COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR, PLEASE?

DO YOU MIND WATCHING MY SCOOTER, JUST FOR A MINUTE?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. OKAY? JUST WATCH IT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

OH, HERE COMES BETTY.

HEY, BETTY.

I JUST SAW A TAPE OF NEXT WEEK'S SHOW,

AND I THINK IT'S THE BEST ONE YET.

OH, REALLY?

DON'T GET TOO EXCITED OR ANYTHING,

BUT I'M THINKING EMMY.

OH, REALLY?

YOU WANT TO SEE IT?

- YEAH! - YEAH! YEAH! - YEAH!

OOP.

WRONG TAPE.

HI.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

GOOD. THIS IS MY HUSBAND, MURRAY.

HE LOVED COMING TO THIS OLD BUILDING.

I'M BRINGING HIM HERE FOR ONE LAST TIME,

SO HE CAN VISIT A LITTLE BIT.

I'M REATHA.

CONNER.

CONNER? NICE TO MEET YOU.

NOW, YOU REMEMBER -- YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

SO ENJOY LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

OKAY? OKAY, BYE-BYE.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

MA'AM, I'M WITH THE DEPARTMENT OF PET SERVICES,

AND THERE'S BEEN A RECENT RASH OF DOG DOPING

GOING ON IN THIS PARK.

SO I WAS JUST OBSERVING --

YOUR CANINE WAS ACCELERATING AT A PRETTY GOOD RATE OF SPEED.

YEAH, I KNOW.

COULD YOU GET YOUR DOG TO PEE IN THIS CUP FOR US, PLEASE?

UM...

YEAH. THANK YOU.

I DON'T THINK THAT I CAN, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

WELL, WE CAN'T HAVE THE DOGS RUNNING AROUND WITH,

YOU KNOW, JUICED UP AND...

WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DETERMINE.

YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT GONNA --

YES, I WORK FOR THE...

IF YOU CAN DO THAT, I'LL BE IN MY VAN.

AS SOON AS YOU COLLECT THAT SAMPLE --

REQUESTING BACK-UP.

I GOT A HOSTILE DOG-OWNER REFUSING TO SUBMIT A SAMPLE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE THE BETTER KISSER?

I AM THE BETTER KISSER.

I AM THE BETTER KISSER.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

MY SISTER SAYS THAT SHE'S A BETTER KISSER THAN ME.

WHO DO YOU THINK, JUST BY LOOKING AT US?

ME OR HER? WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK?

YOU CAN'T CHOOSE BY LOOKING!

OH, WE HAVE TO KISS HIM?

OKAY, WHO DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KISS FIRST?

WHO DO YOU WANT TO KISS FIRST?

HONESTLY, HERE'S HOW I WOULD DO IT.

I'D PROBABLY SAY THE PERSON

WHO SEEMS MORE ENERGETIC ABOUT THE SITUATION.

- ENERGETIC? - OH! THAT'S ME!

OH, YEAH, YEAH. OKAY.

NO. NO, I'M THE BETTER KISSER. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND TOLD ME I WAS A BETTER KISSER.

MY HUSBAND?! HOW DARE YOU?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS MY HUSBAND?

YOU JEZEBEL!

DOTTIE, IT WAS NEW YEAR'S EVE, AND IT WAS JUST ONE KISS.

OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

DO YOU HAVE THE PLANS?

I'M AGENT SIX.

WHAT'S THAT?

Cover your lips. They'll read your lips.

My government is willing to make a deal

for those plans.

Look, I'm gonna give you a number

to take back to your people -- six million.

We'll be in touch.

EXCUSE ME, HUN, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

WHERE DO THE KIDS GO TO DANCE AROUND HERE?

DO YOU KNOW? WELL, WHY NOT RIGHT HERE?!

HIT IT!

YEAH!

UH-HUH!

Man: YEAH, BABY!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

I'M HITTING IT! YEAH!

OH, FINALLY SOME MUSIC! VERY GOOD!

YEAH! LET IT RIDE, BABY! LET IT RIDE!

YES!

BYE.

OH, I AM SO EXCITED.

NeNe'S GONNA SHOW ME HOW TO BE A REAL HOUSEWIFE.

WELL, THE SECRET TO A REALLY GOOD WINE THROW

IS IN YOUR WRIST.

OH. LIKE THIS?

EH, WELL, THAT WAS GOOD,

BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO PUT SOME EMOTION BEHIND IT.

LIKE, THINK OF THE PERSON

THAT DIDN'T INVITE YOU TO THEIR PARTY

OR THE PERSON THAT INSULTED YOUR PERSONAL CHEF

OR EVEN THE PERSON THAT BAILED ON YOUR CHARITY EVENT,

AND THEN YOU JUST SORT OF GO BOOP!

I THINK I'VE GOT IT.

BOOP!

OH, BETTY! THAT IS EXCELLENT!

YOU KNOW, IT TOOK ME YEARS

TO GET MY WINE-THROWING FORM DOWN.

BUT YOU? GIRL, YOU ARE A NATURAL.

CAN I GO RINSE OFF NOW?

NOT YET.

SHE'S GONNA SHOW ME HOW TO THROW A TABLE AT YOU, NEXT.

CAN I HELP YOU LADIES RIGHT HERE?

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

CAN I HAVE A SMALL POPCORN, PLEASE?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT A SPECIAL ON POPCORN.

JUST FOR YOU, I GOT A NICE BAG OF POPCORN.

AND I'VE GOT A NICE, LARGE DRINK.

OKAY, LET'S SEE, THE TWO OF THEM -- $62.50.

YOU CAN'T BEAT IT.

IT'S THE LAST ONE I'VE GOT. HEY, LISTEN.

I'VE GOT A GALLON OF BUTTER, AND LET ME GET YOU A LID.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. I NEED THE LID AND THE BUTTER!

EXCUSE ME, MISS. COULD YOU HELP ME A MINUTE?

I THINK I'M SET AT 50. COULD YOU POSSIBLY SET ME AT 70?

'CAUSE I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER.

MY DOCTOR SAYS I HAVE TO WORK OUT.

IT'S REALLY GOOD FOR MY HEART.

OH, THAT IS IS SO PERFECT!

OH! THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

♪ DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH DAH! ♪

EXCUSE ME, SIR. CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

YEAH.

TODAY'S MY 50th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY,

AND SO I WENT TO A TATTOO PARLOR TO HAVE A TATTOO DONE.

THE GUY WAS LIKE A LITTLE BIT UNDER THE WEATHER,

AND I'M NOT QUITE SURE IF HE DID WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO,

'CAUSE I CAN'T SEE WHAT HE DID.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO SAY, "PENNY'S LOVER."

P-E-N-N-Y -- WHAT DOES IT SAY?

WHAT'S IT SAY?

IT SAYS P-E-N-I-S.

WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

"P-E-N-I-S LOVER"

WELL, BUT THAT SPELLS PENIS, DOESN'T IT?

YEAH.

I'M GONNA GO GET HIM. I GOT -- THAT'S AWFUL.

UGH, CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'M GONNA GET THAT GUY!

OH, MAN.

Man: IF YOU'RE READY...

YEAH, I'M READY.

ALL I NEED IS TO FIND SOMEONE.

OH, WE GOT TWO PEOPLE HERE.

WOULD YOU GIVE US A START?

ON YOUR MARKS...

ON OUR MARK, GET SET...

GO!

- YEAH, BABY! - WAIT A MINUTE!

YEAH, I GOT YOU, BABY!

AH, YOU CHEATED!

YOU'RE ALWAYS CHEATING.

- NO, I'M NOT! - YOU GOT A SUPER DRIVE!

COME ON, BABY!

AT MY AGE, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT MAINTENANCE.

THAT'S WHY IT'S TIME FOR A HIP REPLACEMENT.

IT'LL BE PAINFUL, BUT I HAVE TO DO IT.

LOU, YOU'RE NOT HIP ENOUGH FOR ME.

GET OUT.

NOW, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

HI.

MY FRIEND JUST GOT A BOOB JOB.

DO YOU THINK IT LOOKS REAL?

I DON'T THINK IT LOOKS REAL.

Woman: I LOVE IT. I'M VERY HAPPY.

IF YOU LOVE IT AND YOU'RE HAPPY, THERE YOU GO.

YOU ASK, AND THE LORD PROVIDES.

Man: OH, YEAH. LITTLE FASTER.

A LITTLE FASTER!

A LITTLE FASTER!

OH, YEAH.

OH, MY!

OH, BABY, YOU WERE SO HOT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SIR, COULD YOU HELP ME A MINUTE, PLEASE?

- SURE. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IF YOU COULD REACH -- I CAN'T REACH -- THAT DISH.

SEE THAT DISH? YEAH. I JUST WANT TO KNOW.

DO YOU THINK THAT MATCHES THAT PRETTY GOOD?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK SO, ACTUALLY.

REALLY? OH!

YOU DID IT! YOU BROKE THOSE DISHES.

- NO, I DIDN'T. - YES, YOU DID.

YOU BROKE THE DISHES. SIR, YOU BROKE THE DISHES.

- WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DAMAGE? - HIM!

NOPE.

SIR, SOMEONE'S GONNA HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS.

I'M GONNA SORT THIS OUT.

PLEASE, STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.

DO NOT MOVE.

SIR! SIR!

SIR! SIR!

ME TOO. I WAS TRYING TO HELP HIM OUT.

OH, MY GOODNESS!

Man: I'M LOSING MY MIND HERE.

WHOO!

ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE MOST ABOUT MY FRIENDS

IS THAT WE HAVE SO MANY CLUBS TO KEEP BUSY WITH.

ON MONDAYS, WE HAVE BOOK CLUB.

ON TUESDAYS, WE HAVE COOKING CLUB.

AND TONIGHT...

WE HAVE FIGHT CLUB.

AND THE FIRST RULE OF "OFF THEIR ROCKERS" FIGHT CLUB

IS WE'RE TOO DAMN OLD FOR RULES.

DON'T WORRY.

THEY ALREADY TOOK THEIR TEETH OUT.