Original subtitles

- EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND? - YEAH.

YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND JUST PASSED AWAY.

OH, I'M SORRY.

YEAH, AND I JUST PICKED UP HIS ASHES.

OH, MY GOSH. I KNOW.

AND HE WROTE ME THIS LAST LETTER.

OKAY.

BUT I LEFT MY GLASSES AT HOME, AND I CAN'T READ IT.

- WOULD YOU READ IT FOR ME? - YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

"MY DEAR SHIRLEY, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I'VE PASSED ON.

"I WANT YOU TO KNOW

"THAT YOU ARE TRULY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

"BUT I MUST TELL YOU SOMETHING

"THAT HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME FOR YEARS.

SEVERAL YEARS AGO, I CHEATED ON YOU TWICE WITH JUDITH."

"I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME.

YOURS ALWAYS, HARRY. "JUDITH?!

UNBELIEVABLE.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M HAPPY FOR HIM.

I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON HIM

FOR OVER 25 YEARS WITH HIS BUSINESS PARTNER.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, GOOD FOR YOU, HONEY.

COME ON, DARLING.

LET'S DUMP YOU OFF THE SPACE NEEDLE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NAILED IT.

WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS." YOU KNOW --

OH, BOY.

WHAT'S UP, MICHAEL?

I HAD AN AMAZE-BALLS FIRST DATE WITH A CHICK LAST NIGHT,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TEXT HER THIS MORNING.

THEN KEEP IT SHORT AND SWEET.

WITH OR WITHOUT A SMILEY FACE?

OH, EMOTICONS ARE OBNOXIOUS.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU TEXT AFTER A FIRST DATE?

I ALWAYS TEXT THE SAME THING.

"BREAKFAST WAS DELICIOUS."

HI, HOW ARE YOU? CAN YOU HELP ME?

BECAUSE I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM ONE SECOND.

IF YOU CAN WATCH HIM FOR, LIKE, ONE SECOND,

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU.

IF YOU COULD, LIKE, SIT AND, YOU KNOW, MAKE SURE...

- HI, HOW ARE YOU? - THANK YOU.

MY NAME IS LOU. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

DOING GOOD. DON'T BE LONG.

IS THAT YOUR WIFE?

GIRLFRIEND. OH.

SIR, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS DO IT THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY,

AND I'M GETTING TOO OLD TO DO IT.

I NEED A YOUNG GUY TO KIND OF, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

MAYBE TAKE CARE OF SOME OF MY DUTIES.

DO YOU MIND DOING THAT?

PLEASE, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

IT WOULD ONLY TAKE A FEW, YOU KNOW, MAYBE A FEW HOURS.

A COUPLE HOURS, WHATEVER.

SURE, I GUESS I CAN HELP YOU.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

OH, BLESS YOU FOR THAT. OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT A --

- I'M HERE, BABY. - WHAT?

OH, HONEY, HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT?

ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO DO THIS?

WHAT?

YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE YOUNG GUYS.

I KNOW, BUT HE'S A VERY SPECIAL YOUNG GUY.

NO, BABY. I'M SORRY.

- ARE YOU SURE? - NO. COME ON. I AM HUNGRY.

WELL, THANKS A LOT.

YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY.

I WILL. I WILL. I WILL.

YEAH, THANKS A LOT.

OKAY. TAKE CARE.

HANG ON, FOLKS.

WE HAVE A HEIGHT REQUIREMENT IN THE PLAZA TONIGHT

BECAUSE OF THE BASKETBALL GAME.

SEE, THE PLAYERS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE

IF PEOPLE ARE UNDER 6' TALL.

SO I JUST WANT TO TAKE A QUICK --

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - YES, I'M SERIOUS.

THEY'RE UNDER --

I CAN'T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

- HANG ON A SEC. - THIS IS WEIRD.

WAIT, HANG ON.

I CAN'T MEASURE YOU IF YOU KEEP TURNING AROUND.

BUT WHY DO YOU WANT TO MEASURE ME?

BECAUSE 6' IS OUR -- HERE.

JUST...NO, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

ALL RIGHT, I'M JUST TRYING TO DO MY JOB.

ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?

ABSOLUTELY. SO, THE PLAYERS --

JUST HANG ON ONE SECOND. LET ME JUST TAKE A MEASUREMENT.

I THINK YOU'RE A TAD UNDER 6', AREN'T YOU?

SO, THE PLAYERS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE.

- NO, HE'S ABOVE. - I'M 6'2".

YOU'RE 6'2"? YEAH.

AHH, COME ON. THIS IS 6'.

HERE YOU GO, BABE. DO YOU WANT TO HOLD THIS?

SO, HANG ON A MINUTE. EXPLAIN AGAIN.

THE PLAYERS --YOU'RE TRYING TO FOOL ME.

REQUESTING BACKUP. I HAVE A HOSTILE SHORT PERSON.

YES. WHO'S LYING ABOUT HIS HEIGHT.

YEP. REQUESTING BACKUP, YES.

YEAH, HE'S WITH A WOMAN WITH A WHITE WOOL HAT.

TAKE THEM DOWN OUTSIDE THE PLAZA.

WORDS TO LIVE BY.

HEY!

HEY! WORDS TO LIVE BY. THERE YOU GO.

YEE-HEE-HEE-HOO.

HEY, CAN YOU HELP ME?

MY HUSBAND WROTE THIS, AND I CAN'T READ IT.

AND COULD YOU?

WHIPPED CREAM. OKAY.

CHOCOLATE SYRUP. OKAY.

I CAN'T READ THAT.

WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS THAT?

IT SAYS CONDOMS, I'M PRETTY SURE.

OH, CONDOMS, CANDLES, AND MATCHES.

- I GOT THAT. OKAY. - YEAH.

LUBRICANT.

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL KIND? I'VE NEVER BOUGHT THIS BEFORE.

NO. I HAVE NO IDEA.

UM...

UM...UH...

IS THAT "DIRTY"?

YES, IT SAYS DIRTY MAGAZINES, IF YOU NEED ONE.

I'M GONNA HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.

I'M SURE YOU WILL.

- THANK YOU. OKAY. - SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, BETTY, WHAT YOU DOING?

HEY, NICK.

I WAS JUST READING ABOUT YOUR SON IN THIS MAGAZINE.

YEAH, CAMDEN'S A REAL "CELEBRITOT."

IS IT TRUE HE'S HAVING A FEUD

WITH REESE WITHERSPOON'S LITTLE GIRL?

FEUD? NO, NO.

THEY HAD A LITTLE TIFF OVER A SOCK MONKEY,

BUT THAT'S OVER NOW.

IT ALSO SAYS HE'S DESIGNING HIS OWN SPORTSWEAR.

YEAH, HE JUST FELT LIKE

THE WORLD NEEDED A WATERPROOF ONESIE.

BOY, THEY REALLY START YOUNG THESE DAYS, DON'T THEY?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

HE'S ALREADY ON THE WAITING LIST FOR "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE."

HE IS? YEAH.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT, I COULD CALL IN A FAVOR

AND GET HIM MOVED UP A FEW SPACES.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

TRUMP OWES ME A FAVOR.

I INTRODUCED HIM TO HAIR SPRAY IN THE '70s.

THE...

YEAH, THE...

GOOD ONE.

YEAH, BUT THE GUY SAYS...

I THINK IT WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY, THOUGH, WOULDN'T YOU?

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

I'M NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT PLACE AGAIN.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOW?

WAIT FOR ME. WAIT FOR ME. I'M COMING.

WAIT FOR ME.

YAH!

"UNDERDOG" -- THAT'S 14 PLUS A DOUBLE-WORD SCORE.

THAT'S 28 POINTS FOR ME.

I'M BEATING YOU AGAIN, BETTY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE SO PRETTY,

'CAUSE YOU SURE CAN'T SPELL.

YOUR TURN.

EXCUSE ME, RICHARD.

I'M JUST GOING TO THE BATHROOM FIRST TO FRESHEN UP.

WHAT'S HE GOT?

HE'S GOT AN E, A J, TWO N's, AN S, AND TWO I's.

CAN WE BEAT HIM? OH, YEAH.

OH, I'M SORRY, RICHARD.

BUT I HAVE A WORD THAT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE.

OKAY.

HERE WE ARE. RIGHT.

NOW, THAT'S "QUIXOTRY."

DOUBLE LETTER, TRIPLE WORD, AND I USED ALL MY TILES.

365 POINTS FOR ME.

WHAT?

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANT TO CONCEDE.

LOOK AT THIS COUPLE.

AREN'T YOU SWEET? HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER?

- TWO YEARS. - TWO YEARS?

HEY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOGETHER?

48 YEARS. 48 YEARS.

I CAUGHT MY WIFE'S EYE WHEN SHE WAS POLE DANCING.

SHE HAD ALL THE MOVES, RIGHT?

AND HE WAS SO SHY BACK THEN.

IT TOOK HIM A WHOLE WEEK TO GET ME BACK

IN ONE OF THE ROOMS WHERE YOU COULD, UH, TOUCH, YOU KNOW?

SHE HAD THE MOVES. SHE MADE ME HOLLA.

WE WERE SO IN LOVE BACK THEN.

- YOU LOOK SO IN LOVE NOW. - YEAH, WE ARE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WE GOT TO GO.

MY WIFE IS ON IN TWO HOURS.

SEE YA.

COME ON. WILL YOU POOP ALREADY?

IT'S HOT OUT HERE.

FINALLY!

GOOD BOY.

VERY GOOD JOB, BOY.

YOU'RE A GOOD BOY. YOU'RE A VERY GOOD BOY.

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE TRUE JOYS OF MY LIFE IS THAT, AT MY AGE,

I STILL HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO BABYSIT MY GRANDCHILDREN.

OKAY, KIDS. TIME FOR BED.

OH, COME ON, GRANDMA!

CAN'T I FINISH MY WINE FIRST?!

WHAT, DO WE HAVE TO?!

COME ON NOW. UPSTAIRS. BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

LIGHTS OUT IN FIVE MINUTES.

YOU HEARD ME.

NOW MOVE!

AND YOU -- YOU HAVE TO SHAVE BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

NIGHT-NIGHT, GRANDMA.

- NIGHT-NIGHT. - I LOVE YOU.

OH!

KIDS.

EXCUSE ME, GUYS. CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

OH, PLEASE HELP US.

OH, YOU ARE IN SUCH GREAT SHAPE.

I JUST FINISHED A SIX-MONTH WORKOUT AND DIET PROGRAM,

AND TODAY I'VE REACHED MY GOAL WEIGHT.

AH!

I WANT TO SPEND SOME MONEY

ON SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME HAPPY,

AND YOU GUYS WOULD MAKE ME FEEL REAL HAPPY.

YOU WANT TO BUY US FOR THE DAY?

SO, HOW MUCH?

FOR US? $100 EACH.

I CAN DO THAT.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO FOR, UH...

LET'S USE OUR IMAGINATION.

NO, I THINK YOU'RE USING YOUR IMAGINATION.

I NEED A NIGHT WITH A FIT GUY.

YOU NEED A NIGHT WITH A FIT GUY?

AND TWO GUYS -- ALL THE BETTER.

OH, FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT?

OKAY, HEY, LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.

HERE'S MY NUMBER.

I'M GONNA GO CATCH A SPINNING CLASS.

YOU THINK ABOUT IT AND GIVE ME A CALL.

ALL RIGHT? OKAY.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN. LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

ALL RIGHT. CALL ME.

CALL ME!

AT 90 YEARS OLD, I'M NOT QUITE AS AGILE AS I USED TO BE.

BUT I STILL FIND WAYS TO ENJOY SOME OF THE ACTIVITIES

THAT I LOVED WHEN I WAS IN MY 80s -- LIKE PLAYING TWISTER.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

RIGHT FOOT, GREEN.

I LOVE MY WORK.

HELLO.

WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF I SAT HERE?

- OH, YEAH, DEFINITELY. - THANK YOU.

ONE OF MY COWORKERS HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME TODAY.

REALLY? YEAH.

PERHAPS WE COULD PRETEND THAT YOU KNOW ME SO...

OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

I'M HALEY, BY THE WAY.

HALEY. YES.

FATHER RICHARD.

OH, THERE SHE IS.

THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE SPENDING YOUR TIME?

- YES. THIS IS HALEY. - HELLO.

THIS IS THE GIRL YOU TOLD ME ABOUT?

SISTER ANN, PLEASE.

DO YOUR PARENTS KNOW YOU'RE SEEING THIS MAN?

THAT HE'S A PRIEST?

DO YOU USE SOME KIND OF PROTECTION?

SISTER ANN, THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE.

YOU'RE INAPPROPRIATE.

SHE'S FAR TOO YOUNG FOR YOU TO BE WITH IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AND YOU HAPPEN TO BE A PRIEST. GET UP.

- I'M TAKING YOU BACK. - YES, SISTER ANN.

YOU NEED TO GO TO CONFESSION.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

SHAME ON YOU.

YOU TWO LOOK LIKE YOU KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

OKAY, WHERE'S THE PARTY?

WE WENT TO SCHOOL HERE ABOUT 40 YEARS AGO.

YEAH, NYU.

OH, I DON'T -- WE DON'T GO TO NYU.

WELL, WE'RE LOOKING TO GET CRUNK.

- YOU KNOW, CRAZY DRUNK? - CRAZY DRUNK?

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT WE GOT. WE GOT THE BODY BONG.

BEER BONG.

WHAT ABOUT THE BALLS, HERE, LOOK.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. YOU KNOW, BEER PONG?

YOU GUYS LOOKING TO PARTY?

NO, THANKS.

WE'RE HERE ON A FOUR-DAY WEEKEND.

WE'RE LOOKING TO GET STARTED.

LET'S GO. LET'S GO. COME ON. LET'S GET STARTED.

WE MEAN BUSINESS. WE REALLY DO.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY GRANDSON.

HELLO. MY NAME'S DANIEL.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

MY NAME'S RACHEL. NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU THAT STRIPPERS WEREN'T SCARY PEOPLE.

THEY JUST LIKE TO TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF FOR A LIVING.

SEE YOU AT THE CLUB TONIGHT.

I'M SO CONCERNED THAT SHE'S MAD.

EVERYONE TAKE A SEAT, PLEASE.

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO THE STAFF MEETING, EVERYONE.

THE REASON I CALLED THIS MEETING IS I'VE BEEN HEARING

THERE'S A LOT OF OFFICE GOSSIP BEING PASSED AROUND.

SO, LET'S HEAR IT.

GIVE ME THE JUICY STUFF FIRST.

OH, WELL...

CAN YOU --

I'M MAKING AN INTERNET VIDEO.

CAN YOU DO A VIDEO OF ME? IT'LL JUST TAKE A MINUTE.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.

HOLD THE CAMERA LOW.

I'M GONNA STEP IN, OKAY? SO, YOU READY?

READY. OKAY.

THIS IS O.G.G. TAGGING IN THE BULL.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

OKAY, THANKS FOR DOING THAT.

I'M O.G.G. -- OLD GANGSTER GRANDPA --

ON THE INTERNET.

THE COPS ARE AFTER ME.

THERE YOU ARE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE YOUR LUNCH UNTIL 2:00.

EXCUSE ME.

THOMPKINS NEEDS THESE FILES ORGANIZED BY 5:00.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, ASK SHEILA.

I'VE GOT TO GET READY FOR A MEETING.

- WHO'S SHEILA? - DON'T LET ME DOWN.

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU SERIOUS? I'M SERIOUS.

NO, I DON'T WORK HERE, BRO.

HE WAS DEAD-ASS SERIOUS.

HE REALLY LEFT ME WITH THIS STUFF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO.

OH, BOY.

THIS COFFEE REALLY DOES PACK A PUNCH.

I TELL YOU.

I THINK THEY MAKE IT STRONGER EVERY TIME I COME HERE.

I GOT TO GO TO THE TOILET REAL QUICK.

HI, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE LADY OF THE CATHEDRAL IS?

IT'S A BIG CHURCH.

BIG CHURCH, BEAUTIFUL.

OH, NO, I DO NOT.

DO YOU KNOW?

THEY HAVE THE BEST BAR ACROSS THE STREET.

AND IT'S BODY SHOT FRIDAY.

I LOVE THEIR TEQUILAS.

COME ON, LET'S GO, SISTER. BLESS YOU BOTH.

OH, GOD, I NEED A DRINK.

WHAT?

THEY JUST -- WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

I WISH I COULD JUST REPLAY MY LIFE

JUST SO I COULD HEAR THAT ONE MORE TIME.

OH, NICK, I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU ON OUR SHOW.

OH, THANK YOU.

YOU WERE IN A BOY BAND.

WHAT'S THE SECRET TO MAKING IT REALLY BIG?

WELL, I THINK IT'S ALL ABOUT TALENT,

DEDICATION, AND COMRADERY.

DO YOU THINK MY BOYS HAVE A SHOT?

YOUR BOYS?

OKAY, AGAIN.

ONE, TWO, THREE. AND ONE, TWO, THREE.

AND, ONE, TWO...

THIS SEEMS A LITTLE FORCED.

GET IT TOGETHER. WE HAVE A GIG TONIGHT.

AND I'VE GOT MR. 98° HERE TO HELP GIVE US SOME TIPS.

GO AHEAD, NICK.

BETTY, THESE GUYS ARE GONNA NEED MORE THAN A LITTLE DIRECTION.

I HAVEN'T DANCED SINCE 1982.