Original subtitles

I'VE BEEN WITH THIS WOMAN FOR 50 YEARS TODAY.

OH, WOW.

AND NOW SHE'S YOUR PROBLEM, LADY!

HEY!

TAKE MY PICTURE!

OH!

OH, MY GOD!

HIT ME!

COME BACK HERE!

SAY "BIG BOOBS."

AAAAAH!

DR. SCHNEIDER, I HAD THE CRAZIEST DREAM.

PLEASE, TELL ME.

I WAS HOSTING A SHOW ABOUT SENIOR CITIZENS

PLAYING PRACTICAL JOKES ON INNOCENT YOUNG PEOPLE.

OH, WE MADE FUN OF THEM, AND WE LAUGHED ABOUT IT.

THAT'S JUST SICK!

AWESOME.

OH, OH.

HI. HELLO, MILDA.

OH, YEAH, HON. THE...

OH, THE AUDITION, IT WENT GREAT.

OH, IT'S JUST A BIT FOR A NEW REALITY SHOW, YEAH.

IT'S ABOUT A BUNCH OF SINGLE SENIORS,

AND THEY GO OFF AND LIVE

AT THIS LUXURIOUS RETIREMENT ISLAND.

I'M GOING TO AWAKEN MY INNER SLUT

AND JUMP ON A FEW BONES, YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SURE.

I'M TAKING YOGA CLASSES,

AND I'VE LEARNED A FEW POSITIONS

THAT SOME OF THOSE OLD BROADS DON'T KNOW.

LISTEN, I THINK I'D BETTER GO.

SO LONG, HON. WE'LL HAVE LUNCH.

LATER.

AH, HYAH!

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

I'M NEW IN TOWN, AND I WANT TO GO TO A MALE STRIP CLUB.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THERE'S ONE AROUND HERE?

I, UH...NO.

- HOW ABOUT YOURSELF? - UH...

YOU KNOW, I LIKE THE TOP PART OF YOU.

I'LL MAKE IT RAIN ON YOU.

I AIN'T, UH -- OKAY.

GEEZ, THAT -- THAT SOUNDS PRETTY TEMPTING.

HOW MUCH RAIN? WELL...

WELL, QUITE A BIT. YEAH?

- QUITE A BIT. - UH, I HAVE TO SAY --

ADMIT THIS IS THE GREATEST CONVERSATION

I'VE HAD ALL DAY.

SO, YOU KNOW...I'LL PUT THE SPANK ON THAT HANG LOW.

OH, MY GOD. YOU ARE HILARIOUS.

- ENJOY. - IS IT GONNA BE YES OR NO?

UH, I'D HAVE TO SAY "NO."

OH.

THESE GAMES SEEM SO VIOLENT.

- MM-HMM. - OH, COME ON. CHICKEN.

A LASER BLAST, A THROAT PUNCH...

SOON YOUR SOUL WILL BE MINE.

OHH, NOT IF MY TROLL CAPTURES YOUR POWER GEM.

OH, I DECAPITATE YOUR MINOTAUR

AND CARVE OUT YOUR HEART WITH MY DRAGON CLAWS!

AH.

GAME OVER, PUNK.

ANN, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA?

- LOVE IT. - MM.

THIS WAS MY HUSBAND'S FAVORITE MEAL.

- GOD REST HIS SOUL. - OH, REALLY?

OUR WEBSITE HAS BEEN OVERWHELMED WITH VIEWER QUESTIONS.

I'D LIKE TO ANSWER SOME OF THOSE NOW.

YES.

NO.

IT DEPENDS.

KEEP THOSE QUESTIONS COMING.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

I'M -- I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET MY GRANDSON,

AND I WANT TO GET A RESTAURANT

WHERE WE CAN HAVE A QUICK SANDWICH.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THERE MIGHT BE ONE?

YEAH, THERE ARE, LIKE, THREE GOOD SPOTS ON THE DRAG.

THERE'S WHICH WICH OR POT BELLY'S.

WHY ARE YOU NOT LOOKING IN MY EYES

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME

AND LOOKING AT MY JUGS, YOU PERVERT?

HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

EXCELLENT. EXCELLENT.

BEEN A LONG DAY.

THAT GOOD FOR YOU?

UH, IT IS PERFECTLY FINE.

I JUST NEED A LAST NAME.

THIS IS ALL FOR ME?

"THISALLFORME."

IS THAT RUSSIAN? WHAT?

WHAT? OKAY.

THANK YOU.

CREEPY BACKRUBS!

COME ON. COME ON.

OKAY, HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO. NO, NO, NO.

- OH, NO, NO! - NO, NO, NO. YOU'LL LIKE IT, MAN!

CREEPY BACKRUB?

COME ON, GIRLS. IT'S FREE.

HELLO. Man: HI.

HELLO.

- WE BOTH THINK YOU'RE REALLY HOT. - WELL, THANK YOU.

AND, UH, WE WERE WONDERING IF --

IF YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN A...THREE-WAY.

YOU HAVE JUST ABSOLUTELY MADE MY DAY.

OH.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED A SENIOR SANDWICH?

I HAVEN'T TRIED A SENIOR SANDWICH.

I'M SORRY.

WELL, IF YOU'RE UP FOR IT, WE'LL BE RIGHT AROUND HERE.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU'RE AWFUL CUTE.

YOU TWO HAVE A NICE DAY.

- YOU, TOO. - THANK YOU.

BYE, SEXY.

YEE-HAW!

SHAKA BRAH!

THAT'LL TEACH THAT OLD BAG TO SELL MY SURFBOARD.

WHICH WAY IS THE BEACH?

YA-HOO!

WHOA!

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

YES.

THERE ARE SOME NEW REGULATIONS IN THE MALL.

- OKAY. - AND THEY HAVE TO DO WITH WEARING GLASSES

IN CERTAIN POSITIONS.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CITE YOU.

I JUST GOT TO LET YOU KNOW.

COVER YOUR EYEBALLS OR NOTHING AT ALL.

YOU'VE GOT WAY TOO MUCH SKIN SHOWING.

60% OF THE SKIN SHOWING FROM THE WAIST UP

- IS NOT ACCEPTABLE, OKAY? - WHAT?

YOU HAVE ON TOO MUCH BLACK.

IS IT TOO MUCH BLACK, OR IS IT LIKE A CERTAIN LOGO?

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST TOO MUCH BLACK.

- REALLY? - JUST LETTING YOU KNOW.

THIS IS NO LONGER AMERICA, IS IT?

DELORES?

IT'S STELLA.

HI.

I JUST WANTED TO CALL AND TELL YOU ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I WENT OUT WITH THIS HOT YOUNG GUY,

AND, WELL, YOU KNOW, WE MADE OUT FOR A LITTLE WHILE,

AND THEN WE WENT IN THE BEDROOM.

AND, HONEY, LET ME TELL YOU, HE'S ONLY 22,

BUT, BOY, DOES HE KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.

I KNOW!

I CAN HARDLY WALK!

WELL, YOU KNOW, HE DID NOT WEAR A CONDOM,

AND I'M A LITTLE WORRIED.

AND I WAS WONDERING,

DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET THE MORNING-AFTER PILL?

GREAT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE-BYE.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

WE'RE ABOUT TO DROP SOMETHING RIGHT HERE.

- RIGHT HERE? - RIGHT HERE.

OKAY, BOYS! WE GOT OUR DROP ZONE!

LET HER RIP!

NOW IT'S TIME FOR FOOTBALL PRACTICE.

OH.

89! 21! 48!

89! 21! 48!

BETTY, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET US A FOOTBALL?

MAYBE NEVER.

89! 21! 48!

89! 21! 48!

EXCUSE US.

ARE YOU ON VACATION?

YEAH.

- WHERE YOU FROM? - CHICAGO.

- OH, NICE HERE, HUH? - YEAH.

I LOVE THAT CITY, EXCEPT FOR THE COLD.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

HOW LONG ARE YOU TOGETHER?

UH...

JUST ABOUT, LIKE, A YEAR AND A HALF.

YEAR AND A HALF?

SO, THINGS STILL EXCITING FOR YOU, I GUESS.

YES. YEAH.

WE'RE 35 YEARS.

- 35 YEARS, YOU KNOW? - OH, WOW.

AFTER 35 YEARS, EVERY NIGHT,

IT'S THE SAME THING.

HE WISHES EVERY NIGHT.

YEAH. YEAH.

WE WERE THINKING

OF FINDING A NICE YOUNG COUPLE

THAT WOULD LIKE TO, YOU KNOW, SWING.

YOU INTERESTED IN SWINGING WITH US?

PASS? YOU PASSING?

- WHAT ABOUT YOU? - OH, NO.

PASS? ARE YOU PASSING?

YOU SURE?

- YOU GOT A BIG MOUTH. - WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.

- TAKE CARE. - YOU, TOO.

HAVE A WONDERFUL VACATION.

SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES

TO GET BORING FOR YOU GUYS.

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU LADIES KNOW ANY PLACE AROUND HERE

- WHERE YOU CAN CHECK OUT SOME MILFs? - HUH?

MY FRIEND TOLD ME THIS IS A GOOD PLACE TO LOOK AT MILFs.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A MILF IS?

IT'S A MOTHER THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO ADMIRE.

YOU KNOW -- DO YOU KNOW WHAT A MILF IS?

MOTHER I'D LIKE TO .

HOLY MOLEY!

WOW.

THEN WHAT'S A GILF?

SAME THING, BUT WITH A GRANDMOTHER.

HOPEFULLY, YOU'LL SEE ONE.

OH, I'M SURE!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Man: YOU LOOK KIND OF COOL.

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO HANG OUT WITH, YOU KNOW.

NOTHING SEXUAL.

JUST, YOU KNOW, LIKE GO OUT FOR BEERS,

GAMBLE, AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, I'M INTO GIRLS. I LOVE GIRLS.

I'M LOOKING FOR A BROMANCE, YOU KNOW.

NEED TO GET WITH THE YOUNG PEOPLE, DO WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

I JUST FIGURED OUT, YOU KNOW,

I NEED TO GET WITH SOMEBODY NEW,

SOMEBODY YOUNG LIKE YOURSELF.

SO, UH...

YOU KNOW ABOUT ANY PLACE WE COULD GO AROUND HERE

AND, LIKE, HOOK UP AND DO GUY STUFF,

YOU KNOW, LIKE BEERS AND...

STATEN ISLAND?

WE CAN TAKE THE SUBWAY OVER THERE.

ART CLASS? COLLEGE GUY.

WELL, YOU GUYS REALLY --

YOU GOT ALL THEM PRETTY GIRLS OVER THERE.

WE COULD GO OVER THERE AND SIT IN CLASS,

YOU KNOW, STUFF LIKE THAT.

GUY STUFF, YOU KNOW?

YOU UP TO THAT -- A BROMANCE?

NO?

NO?

'CAUSE I GOT TO FIND ME SOMEBODY TO HAVE A BROMANCE WITH.

SOMEBODY WHO WANT TO BE BROMANTIC.

ALL RIGHT?

MY NAME IS RICHARD. HI.

YEAH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME? LAUREN.

LAUREN, YES.

TARGET CONFIRMED.

APPROACH WITH CAUTION.

GONNA CLEAR THE AREA.

TAKE HER DOWN.

HI.

YOU KNOW HOW TO -- YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK THESE THINGS?

I GOT THIS --

I GOT THIS, UH, THIS YOUNGER WOMAN I'M SEEING,

AND SHE SENDS ME THESE TEXTS,

AND I'M NOT SURE HOW TO SEND IT BACK.

BUT I -- COULD YOU SEND ME --

DO ME A FAVOR, SEND HER A MESSAGE FOR ME?

UH, "HONEY, I GOT THE WINE.

YOU BRING THE WHIP AND THE HANDCUFFS."

"TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT."

OKAY, AND THEN SIGN IT, "LOVE, MORTY."

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I GOT TO GO.

I APPRECIATE IT.

UH, EXCUSE ME THERE.

OH, MY GOD! YEAH.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO LITTER.

OKAY?

- DON'T LITTER. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME. HI.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?

I WAS THINKING OF GIVING IT FOR A GIFT.

OH.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO HIDE THAT.

Man: I JUST STOLE IT FROM THAT STORE.

SIR?

HI.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

YEAH.

MY HUSBAND JUST SENT ME THIS TEXT.

I'D LIKE TO RESPOND TO HIM, BUT I CAN'T SEE THE KEYBOARD.

IF I TELL YOU WHAT TO SAY, WILL YOU ANSWER IT?

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.

OKAY. "DEAR CHUCK"...

OKAY.

"IF YOU PULL THAT STUNT AGAIN,

I WILL DIVORCE YOUR ASS."

"AND I WILL TAKE HALF."

SIGN IT, "LOVE, RUTH."

I'M A GRANDMOTHER, AND I DON'T DO THREE-WAYS.

JUST HIT "SEND" OR -- WHEREVER THAT IS.

THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

IT'S OKAY, REALLY. I JUST --

THANK YOU. NO, YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU'RE WELCOME.

HELLO. HI.

DO YOU KNOW WHO TIM VAN ELST IS?

NO.

I'VE GOT A STORY FOR YOU.

"TIM VAN ELST WAS A HAPPY YOUNG MAN

"WHOSE PANTS WERE ALWAYS TWO SIZES TOO SMALL.

"HE LIVED IN A SMALL VILLAGE

"AND SOLD RABBITS THAT HE RAISED TO THE TOWNSPEOPLE.

"IN THE END, HE GOT TO SHARE

"THE MOST SPECIAL BUNNIES WITH THE WORLD

"AND HELPED THEM FIND THE LOVE THEY'D GIVEN HIM

FOR ALL THESE YEARS."

NOW YOU KNOW THE STORY OF TIM VAN ELST.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

HEY.

HEY, FELLA! FELLA! HEY!

COME HERE. COME HERE.

SOME RICH GUY STIFFED US REAL BAD, HUH?

WE'VE GOT TO MAKE UP SOME TIP MONEY.

- YOU WANT TO BUY A SHIRT, NICE SHIRT? - NO. NO.

LOOK, NICE SHIRT. LOOK AT IT.

NO. NO. JUST TRY IT ON, HUH?

HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE HOW IT LOOKS?

HEY, LOOK AT -- HEY, HOW ABOUT A WATCH?

NICE WATCH. THIS IS ILLEGAL!

$15.

THIS IS ILLEGAL FOR US TO BUY. $15?

IT'S NOT ILLEGAL. HE DIDN'T TIP US.

HE DIDN'T TIP US, SO WE'RE GETTING OUR TIP HERE.

I'LL GIVE YOU $50 FOR THAT.

HUH?

YOU'LL GIVE ME --

AH. NO, I THINK IT'S WORTH MORE THAN --

Man: TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE IT!

YOU SAID $15. ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GO!

HE PAID ME 50 BUCKS.

YEAH!

WELL, THAT WAS JUST TOO MUCH FUN TO BE LEGAL.

OH.

WE'D BETTER CONSULT OUR LAWYER.

GOOD IDEA.

LADIES, IN MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION,

YOU'RE SCREWED.

THAT'S ALL FOR NOW.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME...

PENDING ANY LEGAL ACTION.