Original subtitles

IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY.

OH.

REALLY?

40 YEARS.

TODAY?

YEAH.

YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE A COUPLE.

WE'RE GETTING THERE.

- HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOGETHER? - TWO WEEKS.

TWO WEEKS? YEAH.

OH, THE SLOBBERING IS GOOD THE FIRST TWO WEEKS.

WE TRY OUR BEST.

THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TO...

MAKE A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP?

SO, YOU LISTEN TO HIM.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

TELL ME.

HEY!

TAKE MY PICTURE!

OH, MY GOD!

HIT ME!

COME BACK HERE!

SAY "BIG BOOBS."

AAAAAH!

HELLO. I'M BETTY WHITE.

WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS,"

THE SHOW WHERE I SEND OUT MY POSSE,

WE HIDE SOME CAMERAS, AND THEN EXPOSE THE NEW GENERATION

TO SOME OF OUR GENERATION'S MISCHIEF.

GET READY FOR SOME SURPRISES.

SURE, WE'RE OLDER, BUT WE'RE A LOT SMARTER THAN YOU THINK.

MMM.

NOW, SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE MISSING.

WHERE'S THAT SECRET INGREDIENT?

AH.

MM.

OHH, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE OUT OF SECRET INGREDIENT.

REFILL.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A REALLY CUTE YOUNG GUY WALKING AROUND,

LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY?

I HAVEN'T.

I HAVEN'T REALLY...

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S WEARING, WHAT COLOR HAIR?

I-I THINK HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WEARING BLUE.

I ORDERED THIS GUY ONLINE.

OH!

THESE ARE THE BLEACHERS, AREN'T THEY?

YEAH. RIGHT? YEAH, YEAH. I THINK SO.

WELL, THAT'S WHERE I SAID I'D BE,

AND I'VE WAITED A LONG TIME, SO...

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU ANN?

- I AM NOT ANN. - NO?

I'M ANN, ACTUALLY.

OH, GREAT. WELL, I'M THE GUY YOU ORDERED.

OH. ALL RIGHT.

- YEAH. HOW YOU DOING? - HELLO.

- VERY GOOD. - YEAH?

OKAY.

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TODAY?

OH, WELL, I HAVE A FEW THINGS IN MIND.

WHAT?!

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU OKAY?

WELL, THERE'S A GUY I-I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO.

OH, I UNDERSTAND THAT.

CAN YOU PRETEND THAT WE'RE TALKING TO EACH OTHER?

- YES. - THAT WE'RE LIKE FRIENDS OR SOMETHING?

- YES. - WE'RE TALKING TO EACH OTHER?

- Man: HEY. - SO, WE SHOULD GET COFFEE, LIKE, FRIDAY.

- HEY. - YOU WANT TO GET A CUP?

YEAH. HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU DUCKING ME FOR?

I'M NOT DUCKING YOU. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DUCKING YOU?

I'M TALKING -- I'M TALKING TO A FRIEND HERE.

THAT'S YOUR FRIEND?

I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, SO DON'T GIVE ME NO CRAP.

I WANT THE MONEY TONIGHT.

I'LL BE BACK HERE AT 6:00.

HE'LL GET IT, BRO. IT'S ALL GOOD.

- HAVE THE MONEY. IT'S GOOD, HUH? - YEAH.

- YOU GUARANTEE IT? - WE'RE JUST GONNA TAKE HIM WITH US.

THAT MEANS I COME AND SEE YOU IF --

FINE.6:00, OKAY?

OKAY. LADY SAYS SHE GUARANTEES IT.

OKAY. SHE JUST SAVED YOUR ASS.

- OKAY. - HE'S A GOOD FRIEND OF OURS.

IT'S ALL GOOD. OKAY.

YOU'RE GONNA GUARANTEE IT, TOO, HUH?

IT'S TOTALLY FINE.

HEY, LISTEN, I FOUND HIM.

6:00, WE'LL BE BACK.

GOOD LUCK.

- YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT. - IT'LL BE OKAY.

SO, YOU GOT SOME MONEY ON YOU?

HOW MUCH MONEY?

50 LARGE.

OH, YEAH, I HAVE THAT ON ME.

YEAH? WELL, I MEAN, CAN YOU GET IT BY 6:00?

I DON'T THINK SO.

DO YOU HAVE A BANK HERE IN HERMOSA BEACH?

THAT WOULD MAKE MY ACCOUNT NEGATIVE.

WELL, HOW MUCH CAN YOU SCRAPE UP?

OH, MY GOSH.

WHAT DID YOU DO? WHY DO YOU OWE HIM?

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

YOU KNOW, YOUR -- YOUR HORSES DON'T COME IN ALL THE TIME.

WELL, I'M SORRY I GOT YOU INVOLVED IN THIS.

- I REALLY AM. - IT'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW, THOSE ARE NICE KNEES. I HOPE THEY DON'T GET DAMAGED.

SO, EXACTLY WHAT IS THIS KRAV MAGA?

BETTY, KRAV MAGA IS AN ISRAELI DEFENSIVE MARTIAL ART

THAT INVOLVES ELEMENTS OF BOTH BOXING AND WRESTLING.

IF SOMEBODY BIG, LIKE MYSELF, WERE TO COME AFTER YOU,

I CAN TEACH YOU TO NEUTRALIZE THE THREAT

USING DELICATE PRESSURE POINTS.

DELICATE PRESSURE POINTS...

YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?

I CALL THAT "KRAV GRANDMA."

SIR, THIS IS A NO-CELLPHONE ZONE.

OKAY.

THIS IS A NO-CELLPHONE ZONE. YOU'RE ON THE CELLPHONE.

OKAY.

DON'T YOU SEE THE SIGNS? NO.

OKAY. OKAY.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CONFISCATE YOUR PHONE.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I'M SERIOUS.

THIS IS A GREEN CITY, OKAY?

OKAY. CAN I JUST HAVE A WARNING OR SOMETHING?

I DIDN'T KNOW, MAN. IT'S MY FIRST TIME HERE.

REQUESTING BACKUP.

I HAVE A HOSTILE CELLPHONE USER.

WOMAN: Backup on the way.

LAST CHANCE. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

JUST STAY RIGHT HERE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OKAY?

THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.

YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE MY PHONE AWAY FROM ME

AND THEN SAY YOU'RE GONNA COME BACK.

YOU CAN GET THE PHONE.

I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT OFF OF YOU.

REQUESTING BACKUP.

I'M NOT TRYING TO HARASS YOU.

I HAVE A VERY HOSTILE CELLPHONE USER.

Copy that. E.T.A. -- 2 minutes.

LOOK AT THIS GUY, MAN.

HE'S USING HIS CELLPHONE RIGHT THERE.

HEY, I -- WHAT AM I, AN OCTOPUS?

GIVE ME MY CELLPHONE BACK, DUDE.

HEY, I CAN'T BE EVERYWHERE AT ONCE.

YOU'RE FULL OF GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK.

ALL RIGHT. GIVE ME MY PHONE.

OKAY.

COULD HAVE GOTTEN IT FROM IMPOUND.

THE CITY AMBASSADOR.

BEING IN SHOW BUSINESS HAS ITS PERKS.

MY FAVORITE IS HAVING A TOP-NOTCH TEAM

TO HELP ME GET READY EVERY DAY.

OH. THERE. NOW I'M READY TO FACE THE WORLD.

NOT SO FAST, MS. WHITE.

OH, NO!

I'M DOWN A WHOLE QUART.

OH.

OKAY, DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO.

LET'S GET HER UP ON THE LIFT, FELLAS.

COME ON. LET'S GO. COME ON. HUSTLE!

COOL LEMONADE! LEMONADE!

YOO-HOO! LEMONADE!

ICE-COLD LEMONADE.

WE'LL GET SOME.

- THIS IS CUTE. - OH, GOOD.

THERE'S ONE.

DO YOU HAVE CHANGE FOR A $10?

OH, NO.

I HAVE A DOLLAR. HERE.

OH, NO.

IT'S GOING TO BE $1.50 EACH. THAT'S $1, $2 -- $3.

I THOUGHT IT WAS 50 CENTS.

NO, NO. YOU KIDS CAN'T READ.

YOU KNOW, YOU KIDS -- YOU JUST CAN'T READ.

THAT SIGN SAYS "$1.50 EACH."

DO YOU WANT IT,

OR YOU DON'T WANT IT?

UH, IT SAID "50 CENTS," SO...

OH, I'M SORRY.

SO, YES OR NO?

NO, THANK YOU.

OH, YOU'RE A CHEAPSKATE. OH.

BYE-BYE.

STICK IT IN YOUR EAR.

I'M SO HUNGRY. I HAVEN'T EATEN SINCE BREAKFAST.

THAT'S A BAD CHOICE. I WOULD DEFINITELY...

THEY DON'T FEED YOU ON THE TRAINS ANYMORE, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, YOU GOT TO PAY FOR IT.

HEY!

HEY, YOU!

HEY!

MISTER!

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU REALIZE HOW FAST YOU'RE MOVING?

THERE'S A PEDESTRIAN SPEED LIMIT OF 5 MILES AN HOUR.

OH, REALLY?

AND YOU WERE MOVING FASTER THAN THAT.

SO WHAT I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO DO -- I COULD CITE YOU,

BUT I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO STEP BACK HERE TO THIS LINE

AND SHOW ME THAT YOU CAN WALK AT A RATE

LESS THAN 5 MILES AN HOUR.

WELL, IT'S -- THERE ARE SIGNS.

THERE ARE SIGNS.

THEY'RE AT EACH ENTRANCE.

OKAY?

NOW LET'S TRY IT. OKAY.

OH, OH. ONCE MORE. ONCE MORE.

I DIDN'T GET A GOOD READING.

ONCE MORE.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

OKAY, I KNOW. OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

Female voice: TURN LEFT.

TURN RIGHT AHEAD.

YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT YOUR DESTINATION.

HELLO.

EXCUSE ME. IS ANYONE THERE?

YES?

I COULD USE SOME DIRECTIONS.

OKAY. I DON'T -- I DON'T KNOW IT VERY WELL.

I JUST GOT IN LAST NIGHT, BUT I COULD HELP YOU, MAYBE.

WELL, WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR IS THE PIER.

THE PIER -- OUT THIS WAY.

DO YOU WANT ME TO WALK YOU THERE?

NO, NO. JUST POINT ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

JUST -- IS IT THIS WAY?

- DIRECTLY RIGHT THERE. - GREAT.

- THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

YEAH. THE GPS GOT ME THIS FAR, BUT I COULDN'T FIND THE PIER.

OKAY. YEAH.

OH.

DON'T TELL ANYBODY, BUT I JUST FARTED.

IT -- IT'LL BE OUR SECRET.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. GREG, HOW YOU BEEN? HOW YOU DOING?

GEEZ, IT'S BEEN ABOUT 20 YEARS SINCE I SEEN YOU.

HOLY MOLY, MAN!

GOD, IT'S BEEN GREAT TO SEE YOU.

HOW'S THE -- HOW YOU BEEN?

ALL RIGHT. EVERYTHING IS GOING GOOD?

YES. YEAH, ME TOO.

WOW.

GIVE ME ANOTHER HUG. YOU'RE A NICE GUY.

OH. YEAH.

HOW'S YOUR WIFE? HOW'S YOUR -- HOW'S YOUR FAMILY?

HOW'S YOUR FAMILY, GREG? COME ON. TELL ME.

HOW'S YOUR FAMILY?

I-I'M OKAY.

LAST TIME I SAW YOU WAS NEW YORK.

YEAH. BUT, NO, I THINK THAT YOU ARE CONFUSED.

- YOU THINK I'M CONFUSED? - YEAH.

WHY? Y-YOU'RE NOT GREG?

NO. NO?

DO I LOOK LIKE GREG?

WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

I'M NOT GREG.

- OH. I'M S-- YOU'RE NOT GREG. - NO.

WELL, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU HUGGING ME FOR?

GEE, YOU HUG STRANGERS?

ALL RIGHT. BYE, GREG.

THE YOUNG UP-AND-COMING ACTRESSES

ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME HOW TO MAKE IT IN THIS BUSINESS.

I TELL THEM MY THREE "NEVERS" --

NEVER FORGET YOUR LINES, NEVER BE LATE FOR AN AUDITION,

AND NEVER, EVER SLEEP WITH THE DIRECTOR.

AFTER ALL, IT'S THE PRODUCERS WHO HAVE ALL THE REAL POWER.

TWO BROTHERS ARE SITTING AT THE CAFé, TAKING A RESPITE,

BUT IT IS ONLY AN ILLUSION.

IN THEATERS THIS FALL,

YOU'LL LOVE TO SEE "TWO BROTHERS AT THE CAFé,"

STARRING THE BROTHER IN THE PLAID SHIRT

AND CO-STARRING THE BROTHER IN WHITE.

DON'T MISS IT.

"ONE BROTHER AT THE CAFé."

"ONE BROTHER AT THE CAFé" THIS FALL.

OTHER BROTHER'S GONE.

OTHER BROTHER'S GONE.

IT'S A WONDERFUL STORY FOR ALL THE FAMILY.

DON'T MISS IT THIS FALL --

"THE BROTHER AT THE CAFé."

THANK YOU, BROTHER.

EXCUSE ME. E-EXCUSE ME.

IS THIS YOUR BIKE?

ARE YOU SURE?

GO!

OH!

OH!

MA'AM! CAN YOU -- CAN YOU HELP ME? COME HERE!

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE SANTA MONICA AIRPORT IS?

IT'S THAT WAY.

THAT WAY? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- YOU'RE GONNA JUST HANG THERE LIKE THIS? - YEAH.

THANK YOU. OH, MY GOODNESS.

- OH! - THIS IS TERRIFYING ME.

KEEP JOGGING. DON'T -- DON'T MESS YOUR CARDIO UP.

OKAY. THANK YOU, SWEETIE.

YOU'RE WELCOME. BYE.

- GOOD LUCK. - THANK YOU.

- HELLO. - HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

DOING ALL RIGHT. YOU? GOOD.

ARE YOU FROM AROUND HERE?

I'M FROM HOLLYWOOD.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE...FROM CALIFORNIA.

YOU'RE AWFULLY HANDSOME.

WHAT IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU?

RICARDO.

THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK. I ASKED YOU FOR A REDHEAD.

- A REDHEAD? FOR WHAT? - I CAN'T BELIEVE --

I THINK HE'S VERY HANDSOME.

HE'LL BE GREAT FOR OUR THREESOME.

- HE'S NOT A REDHEAD. - THREESOME?

SHOW US YOUR BOOBIES!

SHOW US YOUR BOOBIES!

- MARDI GRAS TIME! - MARDI GRAS! MARDI GRAS!

GET A PRESENT. YOU GET A PRESENT.

HEY! HEY!

WHOA! WHOA!

SHOW US YOUR BOOBIES!

COME ON, SHOW US YOUR TA-TAS!

HEY! SHOW US YOUR HOOTERS!

ONE BOOBY WILL DO!

ONE EACH. ONE EACH.

IT'S MY BUCKET LIST.

- COME BACK! - GET A NECKLACE!

HERE YOU GO.

SHOW US YOUR BOOBS -- GET A NECKLACE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

HI. HI. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

WELL. THANK YOU. GOOD. WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?

A TUNA SANDWICH?

- A TUNA SANDWICH? - YEAH.

CHICKEN ON A SALAD.

OH.

IT'S NOT WORKING.

OKAY. HERE'S THE DEAL.

CAN YOU DO THE NINE TIME TABLES?

I CAN, YEAH. OKAY.

IF YOU GIVE ME YOUR NINE TIME TABLES,

I WILL PAY FOR YOUR MEAL.

IT'S ON THE HOUSE. HOW ABOUT THAT?

9, 18, 27, 36, 45...3s.

ALMOST.

WHAT'D I MISS? 9 TIMES 7.

- 54. - THAT'S WHAT I GOT.

WHAT? ANYWAY...

IF YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE DANCE, I WILL PAY FOR YOUR MEAL.

- A LITTLE DANCE? - A LITTLE DANCE.

COME ON.

COME ON. COME ON, LET'S GO.

COME ON. A REAL DA-- ARE YOU REALLY? COME ON.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

COME ON. A LITTLE MORE THAN THAT.

THAT'S ALL WE GOT IN US.

WE'D JUST LIKE TO PAY, PLEASE.

IT'S ON ME.

IT'S ON ME. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME. HAVE A GOOD DAY.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

- YOUR FLY IS OPEN. - OH.

MADE YOU LOOK.

YOUR FLY IS OPEN.

Woman: MADE YOU LOOK.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. YOUR FLY IS OPEN.

- OH, I'M SORRY. - MADE YOU LOOK.

HE CROSSED HIMSELF.

- IT WAS OPEN. - IT WAS OPEN.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.

SORRY? DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?

I WAS ON THE FORCE FOR 40 YEARS.

TRUST ME. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS PLANNING?

SORRY? WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?

- WHAT? - THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GO TELL SOMEBODY ELSE THOSE LIES?

CAN I GIVE YOU A PIECE OF ADVICE?

YEAH, GO AHEAD.

DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

KEEP YOUR NOSES CLEAN AND DROP THE ILLEGAL ACTIVITY.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES, SIR.

BUT IF YOU -- I'M GONNA KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

NO, ACTUALLY.

WHAT?

AT THE END OF THE SHOW,

I ALWAYS LIKE TO BRING OUT A NICE BOTTLE OF WINE.

OHO, MICHAEL.

DON'T WORRY.

WHAT HAPPENS AT BETTY'S STAYS AT BETTY'S.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT. SEE YOU NEXT TIME.