Original subtitles

HELLO. VANESSA?

YEAH, I-I-I JUST SAW YOUR PICTURE IN YOUR ADVERTISEMENT.

UM...YOU LOOK LIKE AN OLDER WOMAN.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE OLDER?

DO YOU GIVE A SENIOR-CITIZEN DISCOUNT?

UM...HOW ABOUT A HALF-HOUR, THEN?

IF I NEED MORE TIME, WE'LL MAKE IT AN HOUR, YOU KNOW --

YOU KNOW, IN CASE I CAN'T, UH, YOU KNOW.

OKAY. BYE.

OKAY.

HEY!

TAKE MY PICTURE!

OH, MY GOD!

HIT ME!

COME BACK HERE!

SAY "BIG BOOBS."

AAAAAH!

"OFF THEIR ROCKERS" TEAM, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

REATHA AND I ARE GONNA ASK RANDOM YOUNG MEN

TO JOIN US IN THE BEDROOM.

OH, GROSS.

AND PERFECT.

MICHAEL?

DESTROYING OTHER PEOPLE'S PROPERTY, BUT...

I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO USE.

SHOW A LITTLE CLASS. USE THE BOWLING BALL.

ANN?

GONNA DRESS LIKE A NUN AND HIT A FEW BARS.

SO, ANOTHER DAY AT THE PARK.

Ann: MAY I SIT DOWN?

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME. I'M TAKING A CENSUS.

COULD I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MINUTE OR TWO?

SORRY. SORRY.

OH, TWO .

HI, LADIES.

COULD YOU ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS FOR THE CENSUS?

IT'LL TAKE TWO SECONDS.

TWO .

EXCUSE ME, DEAR. COULD I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS?

I'M ACTUALLY ON MY WAY TO CLASS. SORRY.

ONE WITH ICED COFFEE.

GENTLEMEN, COULD YOU HELP ME OUT?

I'M WORKING FOR THE CENSUS.

WE ALREADY DID THE CENSUS.

OH, TWO .

Man: ALL RIGHTY, SWEETHEART.

HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

COME ON.

NICE RIVER, SWEETHEART -- WHOA.

I THINK YOU LOOK FINE JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

UH-HUH.

YOU KNOW I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT FOR A BOAT RIDE SOMETIME.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL ON THIS RIVER. BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.

THERE IS A HOTEL HERE I THINK I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO LATER

IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU --

IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE READY FOR IT.

OKAY?

CHEER UP, LADIES. TWO WORDS -- SPRING BREAK!

WE'RE GOING TO CABO.

THOSE KIDS DON'T STAND A CHANCE!

I'LL BRING A CASE OF BEER FOR THE DRIVE.

I'LL SEE IF THERE'S A RAVE THE FIRST NIGHT.

AND I'LL HIT THE DRUGSTORE FOR PROTECTION.

SPF 50.

I AM NOT COMING BACK WITH A SUNBURN.

OKAY, LET'S GO!

YES!

WHAT ARE YOU IN THE MOOD FOR TONIGHT, BETTY?

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE ITALIAN?

BUONGIORNO!

EXCUSE ME.

THERE'S SOMEBODY I DON'T WANT TO --

I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO.

IF HE SPOTS ME, WILL YOU TALK TO ME LIKE WE KNOW EACH OTHER?

WOULD YOU MIND?

SURE. THANKS.

ANN. ANN.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I COME THROUGH SECURITY, AND YOU'RE NOT THERE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

UM, I'M SORRY.

WE'RE TOGETHER,

AND, UM, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER A WHILE AND, UM...

WHO ARE YOU, PAL?

YOU GETTING INVOLVED WITH MY WIFE?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- NO, I HAVEN'T. - NO.

THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE -- UNACCEPTABLE.

HONEY, WHAT DID I DO? WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE?

COME ON. COME ON. LET'S GO. LET'S -- LET'S --

- COME ON. - YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA GO GET US SOME COFFEE.

AND WE'RE GONNA SIT TOGETHER ON THE PLANE.

OKAY?

HEY.

HONEY!

HI.

SOMETIMES IT FEELS GOOD TO SIT DOWN.

OH, ABSOLUTELY.

I JUST GOT AN E-MAIL FROM MY GRANDSON.

HE JUST HAD HIS TESTICLES PIERCED.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

MY OTHER GRANDSON, NIKISE -- HE'S -- HE'S IN JAIL, SO...

OH!

I'M SURE HE WON'T BE GETTING ANY PIERCING THERE,

BUT THEN THERE'S JUSTIN.

JUSTIN IS AN ADULT-FILM STAR.

YEAH, HE'S KNOWN IN THE INDUSTRY AS "BLACK SUEDE."

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HIM?

NO.

AND THEN I HAVE TWIN GRANDDAUGHTERS.

THEY'RE THE HIGHEST-PAID TWIN STRIPPERS IN LAS VEGAS.

THEN THERE'S JOSEPH.

AND JOSEPH -- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT HIM.

JOSEPH IS JUST GETTING HIS MASTER'S DEGREE IN MATHEMATICS.

BUT HE'S SNOOTY AS HELL.

HE'S NOT MY FAVORITE.

HE THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN EVERYBODY.

EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU WAIT HERE WITH US FOR A MOMENT?

WE'RE JUST WORKING ON SOMETHING HERE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OKAY, MA'AM, YOU MAY GO THROUGH NOW.

THANK YOU.

- JUST A MOMENT. WE'LL LET YOU THROUGH, SIR. - GO, GO, GO.

THANK YOU.

JUST A MOMENT. THANK YOU. BYE!

AW, MAN.

GO.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

WELL, WE JUST GOT IN TOWN.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR A COLD BEER AND MAYBE SOME SEAFOOD.

- OH! GO TO www.fish.com. - OKAY.

- WHAT'LL THAT DO? - THAT'LL TELL YOU.

- REALLY? - YOU CAN'T TELL US?

WELL, I'M TELLING YOU.

- OH, THAT'S YOUR -- THAT'S IT? THAT'S THE WEBSITE WE WANT? - THAT'S THE WEBSITE.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PERSONAL FAVORITES?

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE IS personalfavorite.com.

WHAT'S THIS PLACE AT THE END OF THE DOCK HERE?

OH, THAT'S pier.com.

THANK YOU. YOU'VE BEEN VERY HELPFUL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NICE TO TALK TO YOU. HAVE A GOOD DAY.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

OH, GO TO haveaniceday.net!

HEY, ABSOLUTELY!

OKAY?

YOU GUYS ARE A LOVELY COUPLE.

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THE TWO OF YOU?

OKAY. SURE.

OKAY, I WANT YOU TO STEP BACK, HAVE THE SUN IN YOUR FACE.

ALL RIGHT.

ONE, TWO, THREE. SAY "SWEATY BALLS."

HELLO?

YOU'RE CLAUDE MINAMI, AREN'T YOU?

YES, I AM.

OH, I LOVED YOU IN "RETREAT FROM RUSSIA."

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU PLEASE SIGN MY BOOB?

OH. OKAY.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. MINAMI.

- YOU'RE WELCOME. - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BYE-BYE. BYE.

- YOU HAVE FANS. - BYE.

HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

I'M NOT CLAUDE MINAMI.

HE DIED YEARS AGO.

DO YOU LIMBO?

YEAH! OH, YAY!

COME ON! ALL RIGHT! YES!

OH! GOOD! OKAY!

YEAH, BABY!

YOU'RE GREAT!

OH!

LIMBO DAY AT THE MARKET! YAY!

ALL RIGHT!

LIMBO DAY AT THE MARKET!

EXCUSE ME.

I'M TRYING TO TEXT MY SON.

HE'S A DOCTOR -- A DERMATOLOGIST.

WOULD -- AND I DIDN'T BRING MY GLASSES.

WOULD YOU TEXT THIS FOR ME?

UH, SURE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. SIT DOWN, WILL YOU?

IT'LL JUST TAKE A MINUTE.

HERE YOU GO. HIS NAME IS ROBBIE.

SO, WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?

"DEAR ROBBIE,

"THE RASH ON MY HANDS IS NEARLY GONE.

"IS IT STILL...

HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS?"

ARE YOU FREAKING ME OUT RIGHT NOW?

NO, NO, REALLY.

SO, AM I GONNA GET IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING HIM.

JUST HIT "SEND."

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NOW YOU'RE TOUCHING ME WITH YOUR RASH.

OH, I'M SORRY!

I'M SURE IT'S OKAY. THANK YOU.

- DID YOU SEND IT? - YEAH.

OH, THANK YOU. GREAT.

- YOU'RE VERY WELCOME. - THANK YOU. HAVE A GOOD DAY.

DON'T FORGET YOUR COFFEE AND--

THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. - THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, SURE.

WHAT?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

MAN, DO YOU SEE ME STANDING HERE WITH THIS YOUNG MAN HERE?

YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M -- DO YOU KNOW CHRISTINA AGUILERA?

I'M FROM NEW YORK, JUST LIKE YOU ARE, DUDE.

I'M HER GRANDFATHER.

THAT'S JUST GREAT.

AND SHE'S FAMOUS, ERGO I'M ALSO FAMOUS.

WHEN YOU'RE FAMOUS, YOU GET PERKS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT FAMOUS?

IF YOU WERE FAMOUS, YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE.

I'M FAMOUS BY -- BY, YOU KNOW, BY RELATIVITY.

I AM TOO.

WHO'S YOUR FAMOUS RELATIVE?

ROBERTO CLEMENTE.

ROBERTO CLEMENTE?

I NEVER HEARD HIM SING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU GOT A LOT OF BALLS, GUY. HUH?

GO AHEAD. I DON'T MIND.

ALL RIGHT, NO, NO, YOU -- I ACTUALLY --

NO, NO, GO RIGHT AHEAD, DUDE.

I'M COOL WITH IT, MAN.

HOW ABOUT -- YOU WANT TO REALLY BE COOL?

YOU PAY FOR MY TICKET?

NO, I'M NOT THAT COOL.

WELL, WHEN YOU'RE FAMOUS, YOU GET PERKS LIKE THAT.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY.

HE'S A LITTLE GUY -- DARK HAIR AND WEARS A MASK.

HAVE YOU SEEN ANYONE LIKE THAT AROUND HERE?

NO.

NO?

HE'S GOT A RED VEST AND A LITTLE YELLOW CAPE,

AND HE WEARS TIGHTS.

AND HE HAS LITTLE GREEN SHOES.

HAVE YOU SEEN ANYONE LIKE THAT?

NO. NO?

OH, DAMN IT!

CHIEF O'HARA'S REALLY GONNA HAVE MY ASS THIS TIME.

RIGHT OVER THERE.

STAY RIGHT THERE.

CAN I ASK WHY I CAN'T PARK HERE?

I THINK YOU KNOW.

I'M, LIKE, ASKING YOU RESPECTFULLY,

LIKE, YOU KNOW, COULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME?

YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT YOU JUST DID?

I WAS JUST GOING TO PARK HERE AND GO TO --

OKAY, I THINK -- I THINK YOU NEED TO BACK UP A LITTLE BIT.

JUST BACK UP A COUPLE OF STEPS.

I'M NOT TRYING TO --

JUST A COUPLE OF STEPS.

JUST CONTAIN YOUR RAGE.

I'LL BE DONE IN A MINUTE.

UH...

I JUST WANT TO KNOW FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, LIKE...

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, OKAY.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. I DON'T NEED TO ASK.

REQUESTING BACKUP. OVER.

MAN: Roger that. 22-19 backup.

I COPY THAT. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, JUST TAKE IT EASY, ALL RIGHT?

YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

JUST DON'T GET HOSTILE WITH ME, ALL RIGHT?

YES, SIR.

ALL RIGHT.

CLOGGED ARTERY. 1995.

OH, YEAH?

HIP REPLACEMENT. 2004.

OH, THAT AIN'T NOTHIN'.

WHAT THE...

BETTY!

OH, IT'S NOT MINE.

MY DATE LEFT IT HERE LAST WEEK.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, SIR.

- DO YOU WORK HERE? - WHERE?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE CUSTOMER-SERVICE DEPARTMENT IS?

TO WHERE?

LOOK, IF YOU CAN'T HELP ME, I'LL TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.

OKAY.

HEY! HEY!

HA HA!

EXCUSE ME.

YES?

THAT'S MY HUSBAND OVER THERE.

OKAY.

HIS HEARING AID ISN'T WORKING VERY WELL,

- AND I'VE GOT LARYNGITIS. - OKAY.

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND TELL HIM SOMETHING FOR ME?

YES, YES, OF COURSE.

WOULD YOU TELL HIM

THAT I WILL NOT HAVE DINNER WITH HIM TONIGHT?

OKAY.

I'M SORRY. UH, SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE --

WHAT?

SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WOULD NOT HAVE DINNER WITH YOU TONIGHT.

WOULD YOU TELL HIM

THAT I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE DINNER WITH HIM AGAIN?

SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WILL NEVER, EVER

HAVE DINNER WITH YOU AGAIN.

WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT I AM SLEEPING WITH RONNIE

AND I'M LEAVING HIM FOR GOOD?

OKAY.

SHE'S LEAVING YOU.

LEAVING ME?

GOODBYE!

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

SHE'S LEAVING YOU.

THAT'S OKAY.

I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING.

HALLELUJAH. HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

ASK ME ANY QUESTION.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE CORRECT ANSWER.

I'M A GAME-SHOW CHAMPION.

I'VE BEEN ON EVERY QUIZ SHOW.

GO AHEAD. ASK ME ANYTHING.

WHAT IS THE TALLEST MOUNTAIN --

NOT HIGHEST, BUT TALLEST?

- THE TALLEST MOUNTAIN? - YEAH.

UH...

NO, I DON'T DO TALL THINGS.

- OKAY. - NO TALL STUFF.

WHAT'S AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH?

I DON'T DO GEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS.

I'M A QUIZ-SHOW CHAMPION!

HOW TALL IS THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?

- HOW TALL IS THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING? - I WANT TO KNOW.

ARCHITECTURE? COME ON.

ASK ME A QUESTION. I'LL SHOW YOU HOW YOU DO IT.

WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE SUSPENDERS?

YOUR MOM'S HOUSE.

OHHH, DAMN!

OKAY?

BEFORE WE SAY GOOD NIGHT,

IT'S TIME FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW...

I USED TO LIVE MY LIFE BY ONE SIMPLE RULE --

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU.

BUT NOW THAT I'M OLDER AND WISER,

I LIVE BY THESE SIMPLE INITIALS...

BECAUSE I DON'T DO LAUNDRY.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME.