Original subtitles

Woman: GET!

Man: HEY!

GET OFF! GET OFF! HEY! HEY!

GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF! HEY!

MAN!

YOU SAID YOU KNEW YOUR WAY AROUND A WOMAN! YOU DON'T KNOW

HEY!

- COME BACK IN FIVE YEARS WHEN YOU'VE HAD SOME EXPERIENCE! - COME ON, ANNIE.

THE HELL WITH YOU GUYS! FORGET THIS!

WE'RE GONNA KEEP THIS PARTY GOING.

- COME ON, LOU! - WHAT THE ?

HEY!

TAKE MY PICTURE!

OH, MY GOD!

HIT ME!

COME BACK HERE!

SAY "BIG BOOBS."

AAAAAH!

WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS."

WE DON'T ALWAYS PRANK THE YOUNGER GENERATION.

SOMETIMES WE PRANK EACH OTHER.

FOR EXAMPLE, JUST LAST WEEK, RICHARD HERE

GAVE ME SOME GUM THAT BLACKENED MY TEETH

RIGHT BEFORE A PHOTO SHOOT.

ALL IN GOOD FUN. RIGHT, RICHARD?

BETTY.

OH, MY GOD.

DO ME A FAVOR. - YES?

DON'T SAY ANYTHING. I WANT TO TREASURE THIS MOMENT.

OKAY. I HAVEN'T --

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN 20 YEARS, AND IT'S REALLY YOU.

OH, MY GOD. REALLY?

YES. I'M SORRY. I HAVE --

NO. YOU WOULDN'T KNOW. YOU WOULDN'T REMEMBER ME.

NO.

- I'D KNOW YOUR FACE ANYWHERE. - REALLY?

YES. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

- MY MO-- OH. - OH, MY GOD.

WOULD -- WOULD YOU READ THIS?

- READ THIS ALOUD. - OKAY.

OKAY?

"FOR THIS VERY SPECIAL REUNION.

"TO MY GRANDCHILD -- AT LAST, WE ARE REUNITED.

"JUST KNOW THAT GRANDMA LOVES YOU,

AND I WILL NEVER, EVER LET YOU OUT OF MY SIGHT AGAIN."

OH, MY GOD, AND YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

NO. OH!

I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO RIDE THE MERRY-GO-ROUND

AND TO GET LUNCH FOR YOU.

WILL YOU COME WITH ME?

I-I'M SORRY. I DON'T --

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I'M YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

MY GRANDMOTHER'S IN POLAND.

- ARE YOU FROM POLAND? - YES.

YES. I AM FROM POLAND.

REALLY? YES.

WHERE IN POLAND WERE YOU BORN?

I WASN'T BORN IN POLAND. I WAS BORN HERE.

I KNOW THAT.

- REALLY? - I WOULD KNOW YOU ANYWHERE.

OH, WELL...

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY.

JUST TRY SAYING YOU LOVE YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

I LOVE MY GRANDMA?

DO YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A HUG?

I'M SORRY. I REALLY --

YOU KNOW, YOUR MOTHER ALWAYS SAID YOU WERE A .

EXCUSE ME.

I-I-I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL MY WIFE.

SHE WON'T ANSWER.

UM, SHE'S SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP.

CAN -- DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TEXT?

TEXT? YEAH. I CAN'T SEE THE KEYBOARD.

NO PROBLEM.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TELL HER? OKAY.

SWEETIE, YOU DIDN'T PICK ME UP.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME.

"THIS IS THE LAST TIME"?YEAH.

I'M DIVORCING YOU.

JUST SEND IT. I GOT TO CATCH A CAB.

SEND? YEAH.

THANKS A LOT. NO PROBLEM.

YOU'RE A HERO.

WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE BURGERS?

WHAT?

NO, NO. WHERE'D YOU GET THE BURGERS?

WHERE'D YOU GET THEM?

I'LL RAISE YOU TWO BLUES AND A WHITE.

UH...

I'LL CALL.

FULL HOUSE.

KINGS OVER 10s.

DARN IT. YOU CLEANED ME OUT.

DON'T BLAME ME. I SUGGESTED STRIP POKER.

HERE WE COME.

YEAH. YES.

OH. HELLO? HI, JIM.

YEAH. YEAH.

Betty: I AM SO HONORED

THAT THE SMITHSONIAN WANTS SOME OF MY MEMORABILIA.

OH, NO, NO. WE'RE HONORED, MS. WHITE.

WE MAKE IT OUR POLICY TO SEEK OUT TREASURED ITEMS

FROM SOME OF THE BIGGEST STARS IN TELEVISION HISTORY.

WELL, UH, THIS IS THE DRESS I WORE AS SUE ANN

ON THE FINAL EPISODE OF "THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW."

WOW.

AND THIS SCRIPT, SIGNED BY ALL OF US,

IS FROM THE FIRST SEASON OF "GOLDEN GIRLS."

MM.

OH, WHAT ABOUT THESE BEADS? WHAT EPISODE ARE THEY FROM?

OH, NO. THOSE AREN'T FROM TV.

I MADE A TRIP TO MARDI GRAS IN 2004.

AS YOU CAN SEE, IT WAS REALLY COLD ON THAT BALCONY.

- ...ANYTHING LIKE I PICTURED HER. - NO.

HI. HI.

DID YOU ALL FINISH YOUR, UH, LITTLE MENUS THERE --

- YOUR CHOICES? - YOU MEAN OUR TESTS?

YOUR TEST, YES.

- YES, WE'RE DONE. - OKAY.

NOW, LET'S SEE.

YOU'VE CHOSEN THE IMPORTED SWISS FOR YOUR CHEESE.

YES.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE ARE OUT OF THAT.

IS THERE A SECOND CHOICE?

TILLAMOOK CHEDDAR.

OH, TILLAMOOK CHEDDAR.

WE'RE ACTUALLY OUT OF THAT, AS WELL.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

WE HAVE -- WELL, WE'RE OUT OF SOME OF THE CHEESES

THAT WE NORMALLY CARRY.

UH, LET'S SEE.

WE'RE OUT OF THE BLUE CHEESE, THE FETA, THE GRUYèRE,

THE GOAT CHEESE, THE CHEDDAR, THE SWISS, THE JACK --

ARE YOU KIDDING?

NO. BUT WE HAVE A LOT OF CHEESES.

BUT, UM, IS THERE SOMETHING ELSE YOU WANT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

LET ME SEE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT --

OKAY.

SORRY. OKAY.

WELL, JUST CHOOSE ONE.

- I CHOSE TWO, AND YOU DON'T HAVE THEM. - WELL...

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME -- LET ME TAKE THIS FROM YOU.

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM THAT YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU WANT,

SO WHY DON'T I JUST MAKE THE DECISION FOR YOU?

- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. - OKAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. WHOA.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OH, HELL, NO. I'M LEAVING.

UM... EXCUSE --

WHO IS THAT?

HEY. I GOT A QUESTION.

YEAH.

I HAVE A WOMAN UPSTAIRS. I MET HER AT A BAR.

SHE'S WAITING FOR ME, AND SHE KEEPS SAYING,

"THE CARPET DOESN'T MATCH THE DRAPES."

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

IT MEANS HER PUBIC HAIR DOESN'T MATCH, UH,

THE REST OF HER BODY HAIR.

OH. SO SHE'S NOT COLOR COORDINATED, THEN.

IS THAT THE -- IS THAT -- THAT'S -- THAT'S -- YEAH.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN. - THAT'S THE GIST OF IT,

BUT IT'S NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

IT'S ALWAYS AN ADVENTURE.

HEY. I'M NOT AN INTERIOR DECORATOR.

- NEITHER AM I. THAT MAKES TWO OF US. - RIGHT, RIGHT.

- DON'T KEEP HER WAITING. - OKAY. THANKS, PAL.

YOU'RE A CLASSY GUY.

Man: YOUNG LADY.

DO YOU REALIZE HOW FAST YOU'RE MOVING IN HERE?

WHAT?

YOU'RE OVER THE SPEED LIMIT. 5 MILES AN HOUR.

DID YOU SEE THE SIGN?

PEDESTRIAN SPEED LIMIT IS 5 MILES AN HOUR.

HOW FAST WAS I --

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. JUST STEP BACK FOR ME.

I COULD CITE YOU, BUT JUST -- THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

JUST SHOW ME YOU CAN PROGRESS

AT A RATE LESS THAN 5 MILES AN HOUR.

COME ON.

OH, STOP.

OKAY.

OKAY. GOOD, GOOD.

OH, BY THE WAY, LOVE YOUR SCARF.

THANK YOU.

- HAVE A GOOD ONE. - HAVE A GOOD DAY.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

YES, SIR. YEAH.

I'M SENDING MY GRANDDAUGHTER A POSTCARD,

AND I'M HAVING TROUBLE SPELLING A WORD.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

SURE. WHAT ARE YOU SPELLING?

WELL, I'M TRYING TO SPELL "PERSISTENT"...

OH, "PERSISTENT."

... "HEMORRHOIDS."

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT, I DON'T THINK.

UH... "PERSISTENT" --

P-E-R-S-I-S-T-A-N-T IS "PERSISTENT."

I'M GETTING A FLARE-UP. I'M SORRY.

I-I GOT TO FIND A -- A -- A PHARMACY OR SOMETHING.

A NICE STEAMY CUP OF CHAMOMILE --

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY.

AAH!

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

AAAH!

EXCUSE ME.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

SURE. WHAT DO YOU NEED?

I JUST CAN'T REACH UP THERE,

AND I'M JUST TRYING TO PUT THE BLUE IN A CIRCLE.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT ALL DAY.

DON'T YOU THINK IT LOOKS GOOD?

I THINK IT LOOKS GOOD. ARE YOU SURE THIS IS YOUR VAN?

ABSOLUTELY.

ABSOLUTELY. I'M NOT GONNA GET IN TROUBLE?

NO, NO, NO, NO. I JUST WANT IT AROUND THE TOP.

YEAH. ARE YOU POSITIVE?

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. GO FOR IT.

ALL RIGHT.

UP HERE? YEAH.

- OH, IT'S GREAT. - MISS.

A LITTLE MORE. A LITTLE MORE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, MISS?

SHE'S ASKING ME TO SPRAY-PAINT HER VAN.

OH, THESE KIDS AND THEIR DAMN GRAFFITI.

WHAT'S GOING ON, MISS?

REQUESTING BACKUP.

A DEFACING PRIVATE PROPERTY.

PLACE THAT ON THE GROUND, MA'AM.

PLEASE PLACE IT ON THE GROUND.

YOU STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.

WHAT STREET AM I ON?

WHAT STREET AM I ON?

BETTY WHITE! BETTY WHITE! PLEASE! PLEASE!

JUST A FEW MOMENTS OF YOUR TIME.

WHY, OF COURSE.

UH, RELAX. WE'RE COOL.

YOU'RE JUST DOING YOUR JOB.

SERIOUSLY, I'M -- I'M A HUGE FAN.

AWW, THANK YOU. YOU ARE SO SWEET.

YOU ARE SO NICE.

SERIOUSLY, I MEAN, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME

THAT BOTHER YOU THIS WAY?

WITH THIS.

IS THAT A TASER?

YOU KNOW, IN ALL THE EXCITEMENT,

I CAN'T REMEMBER

IF I CHARGED THIS THIS MORNING OR NOT.

YOU'VE GOT TO ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION --

DO I FEEL LUCKY?

WELL, DO YOU, PUNK?

EEE!

RUNNING ONLY MAKES HIM MAD!

PLAY DEAD!

AND HOPE IT ISN'T MATING SEASON!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - COME ON! COME ON!

OHH! WHOO!

I WANT TO GO ON THE TRAIN!

Woman: HELLO.

HELLO. HI. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I'M DAVE.

DAVE -- OH, THAT'S A NICE, SOLID, YOU KNOW, SEXY NAME.

SO, UM...DAVE,

DO YOU LIKE TO, UM, HANG OUT AND HAVE FUN?

OF COURSE. ALL THE TIME.

- YOU KNOW HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER? - HOW LONG?

40 YEARS. CONGRATULATIONS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT OUR SECRET IS?

WHAT? VARIETY.

VARIETY?

YOU KNOW, MY WIFE IS KIND OF SHY.

WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS TO KNOW IS,

WOULD LIKE TO GET ALL UP IN HER ?

REALLY?

I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING

THERE'S PROBABLY A LOT OF, YOU KNOW, MILEAGE ON HER TIRES,

BUT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF GAS LEFT IN HER TANK.

OH.

YEAH.

WELL, I'M ALL RIGHT. I APPRECIATE THAT.

HI.

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU ON THE PHONE,

- BUT COULD YOU HOLD THIS A MINUTE? - SURE.

♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

THANK YOU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANK YOU.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

UM...

YES?

IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.

- IT ISN'T? - NO.

OH.

BUT YOU DID A REALLY GOOD JOB.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN AND -- "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY."

OKAY. OH, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

YOU GET A YEAR'S WORTH OF TRAVEL --

- A VOUCHER FOR A WHOLE YEAR. - IT'S COMING UP.

IT'S GOT TO BE TODAY, SO WORK WITH ME, OKAY?

OKAY. OKAY.

HOLD THIS PLEASE. OKAY.

♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

♪ HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪BYE.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU FROM ALL OF US ♪

THANK YOU.

YES, IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY, RIGHT?

YEAH. YES.

I DON'T -- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

I'M NOT -- I'M NOT A VERY GOOD ACTRESS.

- I'M SORRY. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. - SORRY.

TOO BAD.

HI. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY --

TO SAMPLE SOME OF OUR FRUIT TART?

- SURE. - OKAY.

THEY'RE LOOKING SO -- AAH!

OH, MY GOSH.

HERE YOU GO.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE NAPKINS.

OH, HI THERE.

I WAS JUST LOOKING OVER MY OFFICIAL BIOGRAPHY

THAT MY PUBLIC-RELATIONS FIRM PUT TOGETHER FOR ME.

"BETTY WHITE WAS BORN IN A LOG CABIN IN ILLINOIS.

"BY AGE 15, SHE WAS THE YOUNGEST EVER MISS AMERICA.

BY AGE 18, SHE HAD LOST HER VIR--"

OH.

"BY AGE 26, SHE HAD WON THE GOLD MEDAL

FOR THE 100-METER DASH IN THE LONDON OLYMPICS."

I -- UGH.

NO, I-I CAN'T APPROVE THIS.

NO. NO WAY.

NOBODY'S GOING TO BELIEVE THAT I WAS BORN IN A LOG CABIN.

OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

Woman: EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, SIR.

COULD YOU TURN AROUND FOR ME, PLEASE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, LADIES?

REALLY GOOD.

OH, WOW.

VERY, VERY CUTE.

I THINK YOU'RE MORE THAN A 3.

- THANK YOU. - I APPROVE.

IS THIS THE END OF THE LINE? UM...

I'D LIKE TWO TICKETS TO SAN FRANCISCO, PLEASE.

YEAH, IF YOU JUST TURN AROUND,

THE TICKET BOOTH'S THE OTHER WAY.

TURN AROUND? OH, OKAY.

OKAY, OKAY. TURN AROUND.

NO, NO, YOU'RE NOT AT THE FRONT OF THE LINE YET.

THERE'S ONE MORE PERSON.

- OKAY. - SIR, YOU'RE STILL WAITING IN LINE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I-I WANT TWO TICKETS TO SAN FRANCISCO.

FIRST CLASS.

OKAY, ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

THE WOMAN'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

SHE'S HELPING A CUSTOMER RIGHT NOW.

SO IF YOU TURN AROUND...

TURN AROUND? UH-HUH.

OKAY, I TURN AROUND. I TURN AROUND.

OKAY, NOW -- NO. HALFWAY.

- HALF-TURN. - OH.

HALFWAY?

- NO, OTHER WAY. - OH, OH, OH.

- OKAY. OKAY. - STAY LIKE THAT.

OKAY.

180?

A 180-DEGREE TURN -- JUST TURN --

IT COST $180? NO.

JUST TURN TO --

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? SURE.

DIDN'T YOU GET THE MEMO? PLAID IS OUT.

OH, YOU'RE SUCH A JERK!

DON'T MIND ME.

I'M TRYING OUT A HOT NEW TREND

ALL THE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE CRAZY ABOUT.

THEY CALL IT "PLANKING."

I CALL IT "NAPPING."

AND I LOVE IT.

GOOD NIGHT.