Original subtitles

Man: OHH!

GET OFF!

DIDN'T YOU SEE ME IN THAT CROSSWALK?

LET ME OFF YOUR HOOD!

YOU OLD GEEZER!

SOMEBODY HELP! WHERE YOU GOING?

GET THE HELL OFF OF IT!

HEY! WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

GET OFF MY CAR!

YOU IDIOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET OFF! WHOA!

AAH!

HEY!

TAKE MY PICTURE!

OH!

OH, MY GOD!

HIT ME!

COME BACK HERE!

SAY "BIG BOOBS."

AAAAAAH! OH!

OH, HELLO, THERE. I'M BETTY WHITE.

WELCOME TO "OFF THEIR ROCKERS,"

WHERE SENIORS PREFER TO AGE DISGRACEFULLY.

FORE!

Man: WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW? A HOLE IN ONE.

OH, IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH FUN YOU CAN HAVE

IF YOU'VE GOT THE BALLS.

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PINEAPPLES,

IF THEY'RE GOOD OR NOT?

USUALLY, IT'S THE SPOTS.

YOU DON'T WANT THE COLOR TO BE TURNING TOO BROWN.

YEAH?

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A GOOD ONE TO YOU?

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALSO HAD THEM HELP ME PICK ONE OUT.

- YEAH? - JUST THE GUYS HERE.

AND YOU DON'T WANT THIS TO GET TOO DRY.

I'LL TRY IT -- I'LL TRY IT ANYWAY.

YEAH. OH.

TOUCHDOWN!

- Richard: OH, HI. - HI.

OH, BOY, IT'S TOUGH GETTING OLD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I WALKED 10 FEET

AND I'M LOSING MY BREATH ALREADY.

- OH. - BUT I HAVE THIS OXYGEN.

I JUST GOT THIS,

AND, UH, I COULD USE A HIT RIGHT NOW, I'LL TELL YOU.

THAT SHOULD DO IT.

THAT SHOULD DO IT.

SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE.

THIS DOESN'T FEEL LIKE OXYGEN.

FEELS LIKE HELIUM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK THEY GAVE ME THE WRONG TANK AT THE STORE.

THEY SAY THESE THINGS CAN EXPLODE. I DON'T KNOW.

AH, WHAT THE HELL?

OH, !

THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA EXPLODE.

WHEW!

OH, MY GOD. FORGET ABOUT IT.

UH, DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?

WHAT?

DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?

UH...IT'S 12:30.

OH. THEN WE'RE BOTH A LITTLE EARLY.

UM...

I'M JUST HERE, LIKE -- I'M ALREADY DONE.

I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB RIGHT NOW.

OH. SO, UH...

DO YOU WANT TO SIT HERE AND TALK FOR A LITTLE BIT,

OR DO YOU WANT TO GO STRAIGHT BACK TO YOUR PLACE?

WHAT?

YOU WANT TO GO STRAIGHT BACK TO YOUR PLACE,

OR DO YOU WANT TO SIT HERE AND TALK FOR A LITTLE WHILE?

OH, UM...

I'M KIND OF NEW AT THIS.

YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE KIND OF NEW AT THIS, TOO.

NEW AT WHAT? JUST SITTING HERE?

NO, AREN'T YOU THE HORNY GUY FROM THE INTERNET

THAT HAD A GRANNY FETISH?

I ANSWERED YOUR AD. AREN'T YOU --

OH, MY GOD.

I'M SORRY. THAT IS NOT ME.

OH. WELL...

ACTUALLY, I'M GLAD,

'CAUSE YOU'RE REALLY A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR ME.

SORRY.

WHAT THE ?

THEY SAY YOU'RE ONLY AS OLD AS YOU FEEL.

WELL, TODAY, I FEEL LIKE 50.

THAT'S 25 ON MY LEFT AND 25 ON MY RIGHT.

I LOVE TWINS.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

I'M PART OF AN ORGANIZATION FOR CITIZENS FOR A BEAUTIFUL PLANET.

AND WE FEEL THAT IF WE JUST HAD BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE MAKING BABIES

THAT IT WOULD BE A MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL WORLD FOR EVERYBODY.

DON'T YOU AGREE?

UM, I GUESS.

I JUST WONDERED IF YOU'D SIGN OUR PETITION.

SINCE YOU ARE A LITTLE UNATTRACTIVE,

WE WOULD ASK YOU NOT TO HAVE ANY CHILDREN.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER DOING THAT, NEVER HAVING CHILDREN?

NO.

BECAUSE ONLY 30% ARE REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

IMAGINE IF THOSE 30%

WERE THE ONLY ONES WHO HAD CHILDREN TODAY.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PLANET WE'D HAVE.

SO YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M NOT IN THAT 30%

SO I SHOULDN'T REPRODUCE.

NO. AND YOU SHOULDN'T REPRODUCE.

THAT'S A HORRIBLE THING TO TELL PEOPLE.

REALLY?

AN UGLY PERSON WOULD SAY THAT.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

MAYBE YOU COULD ANSWER THIS.

MY GRANDSON, HE TALKED ME INTO GETTING ONE OF THESE PIERCINGS.

YEAH.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES BEFORE IT HEALS?

IT'LL BE, IN THE NOSE, PROBABLY LIKE FOUR DAYS.

IN ABOUT FOUR DAYS?

BECAUSE IT HURTS LIKE HELL, ESPECIALLY THE ONE DOWN HERE.

OH! WELL, HELLO, THERE.

I'M JUST TENDING TO THE ROSES.

OH, THEY'RE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL IN THEIR OWN WAY.

BETTY, PLEASE STOP COMING IN MY YARD.

AND LEAVE MY FLOWERS ALONE.

OUCH!

LOOKS LIKE I GOT MYSELF A LITTLE PRICK.

MM.

YOU GUYS VALET?

HUH?

WIPE IT DOWN, WILL YOU?

WHO GIVES A ?

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW.

IS THIS IT? JUST TAKE IT!

IS THAT WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

- WHAT THE HELL? - ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

HEY, HEY, LET ME TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS DUDE.

OH, GOD.

HELLO?

NO, I'M AT THE AIRPORT.

I HAVE TO FLY TODAY, AND I'M SO HUNGOVER.

OH, WE STAYED UP TILL 3:00.

I DRANK MYSELF SILLY.

I DON'T -- I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA FACE THESE PEOPLE,

THESE IDIOTS.

"MA'AM, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE PEANUTS?

I DON'T LIKE THOSE CRACKERS. I WANT A COKE."

YEAH, IT'S JUST HORRIBLE.

I HATE THIS JOB.

I DON'T THINK I CAN FACE IT MUCH LONGER.

IT'S JUST -- UGH! I HATE PEOPLE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I GUESS CONTINUE TO DRINK MYSELF TO DEATH.

IF I SEE ONE MORE PERSON WITH THEIR CELLPHONE ON

WHEN WE'RE TAKING OFF, I SWEAR TO YOU, I'M GONNA SLUG THEM.

I JUST HATE IT!

IT'S STARTING TO COOL DOWN A LITTLE BIT, HUH?

- IT'S GETTING NICER NOW. - I KNOW.

IT WAS MISERABLE TODAY.

IT WAS REALLY HOT.

I'M NOT FROM THIS AREA. I'M FROM NEW YORK.

AND THIS WEATHER IS UNBELIEVABLE, YOU KNOW?

I'M NICK, BY THE WAY. AMANDA.

- HI, AMANDA. CAN I SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE? - SURE.

YEAH. JUST WAITING FOR A FRIEND.

WELL, WE'LL WAIT TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING -- I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH --

I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY 'CAUSE I'M SCARED TO DEATH.

I WENT TO A DERMATOLOGIST,

AND HE THINKS I HAVE SOME KIND OF A RARE SKIN FUNGUS,

AND HE THINKS IT'S THE BEGINNING STAGES,

AND ITCHES REALLY BAD.

DOES THAT LOOK WEIRD TO YOU?

BECAUSE HE SAYS I COULD HAVE PICKED IT UP

FROM SHAKING SOMEBODY'S HAND.

BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT BAD.

I MEAN...

I WOULD LISTEN TO HIM, I MEAN, HE'S...

YOU THINK I SHOULD LISTEN TO HIM?

HE SAID THIS IS THE BEGINNING.

AND IT'S GONNA OPEN UP, AND -- I HATE TO SAY THE WORD --

BUT HE SAID IT'S GONNA GET PUS-Y.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OVER HERE.

YOU KNOW, HE SAID --

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO GET A SECOND OPINION.

MAYBE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. I'M GONNA DO THAT.

I'M GONNA GO CALL MY WIFE AND TELL HER,

"LET'S FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR."

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU WERE VERY NICE -- VERY NICE TO TAKE SOME TIME

AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER 'CAUSE I WAS REALLY SCARED.

OKAY.

CAN YOU ANSWER A QUESTION?

YOU'RE YOUNG ENOUGH TO ANSWER A QUESTION FOR US, OKAY?

SURE.

Woman: SETTLE SOMETHING FOR US, PLEASE.

IF JUSTIN BIEBER WAS SINGLE,

WOULD HE CHOOSE ME OR THIS SKANK?

AAH!

OH, EXCUSE ME, SIR.

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

I'VE BEEN TRYING LIKE THE DEVIL TO GET MY GRANDSON IN EUROPE

AND I JUST CANNOT GET HIM.

AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD DIAL FOR ME.

WOULD THAT BE TOO MUCH TROUBLE?

NO. WHAT IS IT?

OH, IT'S 011...

32-3...

292-67-90...

005...

888-132...

487-91-91...

0...

0-8...

11-333...

I'M SORRY. I MADE A MISTAKE.

LET'S START OVER.

I'M SICK OF YOU CHEATING AT CHECKERS!

COME ON!

YAH!

OOH!

Man: THAT'LL TEACH YOU.

HEY! YOU OLD GEEZER.

YOU SEE THAT? HE CHEATED!

YEAH.

"AND ALONG CAME THE WOLF AND SAID, 'LITTLE PIG, LET ME IN.'

'NOT BY THE HAIR OF MY CHINNY-CHIN-CHIN!'

'THEN I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF, AND I'LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN!'

AND THE LITTLE PIG SUED THE WOLF FOR HARASSMENT,

WON A BUNDLE, AND MOVED TO BOCA RATON."

OH, I LOVE THAT STORY.

NOW YOU GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, AND THEN I'LL READ YOU THE STORY

ABOUT HOW SNOW WHITE HAD TO PRETEND

THAT PRINCE CHARMING WAS HER FIRST.

HEY, EXCUSE ME.

HI. HI.

YOU KNOW THEY USED TO MAKE THESE EGGS IN A CARTON OF SIX.

REALLY?

YEAH. LOOK.

CAN YOU HOLD THIS, PLEASE? YEAH.

I MEAN, THERE'S 12 OF THEM. I DON'T NEED 12. I'M SINGLE.

YEAH.

I MEAN, REALLY, WHY WOULD I NEED THIS?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT THIS IS AWESOME.

ONE MORE.

THAT'S DONE. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

OH, LET'S START OVER.

0...

11...

OKAY, 011...

292-67-70...

67-70.

005...

888-123...

457...

33-440...

682...

75-75.

HAVE YOU GOTTEN ALL THAT?

I THINK SO. HERE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, IT'S THE WRONG NUMBER.

YEAH, BABY. OH, COME ON.

EAT SOME MORE DINNER. COME ON. COME ON.

YEAH. YEAH.

SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER HIT?

OH, YEAH. HIT ME UP.

DOUBLE.

DOUBLE, HUH? YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

PERFECT.

THAT'S NOT FREE, YOU KNOW? NOPE. THANK YOU.

THERE YOU GO.

RICHARD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE IT TO 90.

WOW. YOU THINK WE'LL GET TO 100?

WORTH A SHOT.

WHAT? IT'S PRUNE JUICE.

HI.

DO YOU KNOW -- DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS -- THE TEXTING?

YEAH.

I HAVE A YOUNG, YOUNG LADY FRIEND,

AND SHE'S INTO THE TEXTING,

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO SEND HER A MESSAGE,

BUT I'M NOT -- YEAH.

WOULD YOU MIND TYPING IT IN FOR ME?

YEAH.

UM, OKAY.

UH, "HONEY... I HAVE THE WINE.

YOU BRING THE WHIP AND THE HANDCUFFS."

"TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT."

"YOU BRING THE HANDCUFFS."

"LOVE, MORTIE."

- DID YOU SEND IT? - YEAH.

OH, THANK YOU! OH, BOY.

IF THIS DOESN'T KILL ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL.

OH, MY GOD, THE FUNNIEST THING EVER IN MY LIFE --

THIS OLD MAN COMES UP TO ME, AND HE'S LIKE,

"SWEETIE, CAN YOU HELP ME TEXT?"

SO HE'S LIKE, "I WILL BRING THE WINE

AS LONG AS YOU BRING THE WHIPS AND CHAINS."

WHIPS AND CHAINS!

HI. DO YOU MIND IF I JUST STAND HERE?

I'M WAITING FOR MY GRANDSON.

OH, NOT AT ALL.

THANKS.

WHERE...?

KEV-- KEVIN.

HEY, YOU.

HEY, KEVIN.

HOW YOU DOING?

OKAY. DO YOU WANT TO COME MEET MY GRANDSON, HONEY?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, SWEET BABY.

I COULD USE A BEER. COULD YOU?

ABSOLUTELY.

I'M REALLY HOT.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

OH, WAY TO GO, DOUCHEBAG!

WHAT THE !

!

LET'S GO SOMEWHERE WHERE WE KNOW WE CAN GET A DRINK!

RIDICULOUS! OH, GOD!

HUH! CANNOT BELIEVE THIS !

WORST SERVICE IN THE WORLD -- WORST SERVICE!

!

OH, MY --

DID ANYONE VIDEOTAPE THAT? BECAUSE THAT WAS AWESOME.

UNBELIEVABLE.

Man: AND NOW...

I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY I SLEPT MY WAY TO THE TOP.

OH, NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

NO, I JUST FIND THAT A GOOD NIGHT'S REST

HELPS YOU LEARN YOUR LINES AND GET GREAT PARTS.

'COURSE, THAT OTHER STUFF WORKS BETTER.

GOOD NIGHT.