Original subtitles

Where is Granny now?

She's where she's happiest.

At the spinning wheel.

In her room?

No, Las Vegas.

And stop spying on those girls. It'll give you a headache.

Don't be tough.

I can spy on those girls and give me a headache.

madam, how I wish I had.

Wasn't that just the ugliest baby you'd ever seen?

Ugly is hardly the word.

Very nice. Tell you what I'm going to do. Make a bigger, nicer smile on your

face. Going to give you for nothing a nice peach there. You don't pay. It's a

peach. You know what a peach is?

It's a suede apple.

For nothing.

Bunch of grapes.

How about that? Nice bunch of grapes.

To show you my heart in the right place, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to give you this banana for your monkey.

It's for a penny.

Thank

you.

A shy young maid hath took a room down... That is a village inn.

Her bedside light is oh so bright and the curtains oh so thin.

At nine o 'clock she enters her room. At half past nine she sleeps.

Lord Clarendon walked quickly on but naughty Samuel peeps.

I went to rent a lady's house.

She handed me the key.

She said it to be let as it stands.

with all that you can see.

And are you to be let with the house? They die in a very soft tone.

She said, I'm not to be let with the house. I'm to be let alone.

Oh, we know it's white, it's black and white, and it's all written down in his

diary. Why, a pit block is white in her chastity belt, then climbs upon his

horse. He left the key with the footman, lest he was killed in the wars.

He'd not gone far when up ran the footman, shouting breathlessly.

He said, Squire, fake this, he doesn't fit, and he said, you're telling me.

The only person who's like that boy said he's holding down his diary.

Halfway up a wall outside a castle in Tramia, there is a sign that reads that

Duke of Dendy was born here.

I've travelled far and I've travelled wide, but ne 'er can I recall.

ever hearing of a duke born halfway up a wall.

Well, you know, it's back to back, and white day's rolling down the diary. On

Thursday morn, my wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy.

As the doctor took me to see them, my heart was filled with joy.

When he said, he's got your husband's nose, my wife looked quite surprised.

She said, that may be, but you must agree, he's got his father's eyes.

Yes, we know it's right to be black and white, and it's all in our diary.

Yes, we know it's right to be black and white.

Could you lend me $5?

I beg your pardon?

Could you lend me $5?

Could you speak up, please?

Could you lend me $5?

I still can't hear you, Milton.

Could you lend me $5?

Milton, could you come around to this ear? Maybe I hear a little bit better

way. Could you lend me $10?

Could you come back to the $5?

Inspector Randolph Ball is coming.

Well, what's the awful news then?

He's at the station now.

Go and pick him up.

When I get back I want this place like a new pin!

Have I made my point?

Sweet lads.

What? I don't know.

Gruyere. That's good.

Gruyere cheese!

And tell me, not to make it too fatty. Not too fatty.

And let Boris get old.

With cream. Double cream.

Who's paying for this? They are.

Oh, and caviar.

I'll get you, mate.

Read the booklet.

It'll tell you how to make your marriage work.

You'd rather know how to make your husband work.

That's in the booklet, too.

Ah, come in.

like to sit down. Thank you very much.

Don't do that. What are you playing at? I've none of that.

I've got problems. What about your problems?

I've seen yours when you were spending time with me.

Now we can't all talk at once.

Well, I'll give you my side of the story.

Your wife is the treader. You must look upon her as a delicate, fragile flower

waiting to blossom.

Think of her as a lovely flower.

You mean I've got to put manure on her?

You are only nominally the head of the family.

I'm a what?

A titular head.

Fish face.

Today, the sexes are equal.

Well, then why does the king beat the queen at cards?

We here, we here at Marriage Guidance find that the two main causes of

breaking down are one, money.

Money, yeah, you hit the pot on the head with your money. That's all she thinks

about. It's money. It's all she ever wants from me. More money, more, more

money. What does she do with it all?

I don't know. I never give her any.

Tony, are there still times when contact, physical

nature between you, leads to moments of tenderness?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely.

Last Friday night, she got very physical.

Hit me with a shovel.

moments of extreme tenderness.

Do you, um, do you still have relations?

Yeah, I do.

She don't.

Your wife doesn't? Not anymore, no. Not since her uncle died.

Relatives? Yeah, yeah. I just got the one distant relative, my sister.

How can your sister be a distant relative?

She lives in New Zealand.

Mr. Treader must have loved you once.

Oh, he did once, yes.

Twenty -fifth...

I says you'll get what I got when I got it.

Mr.

Trenner, do you wake up moody and grumpy in the morning?

Oh, no.

I let her sleep.

I always get up quiet.

I wonder you bother getting up at all.

All he does is watch TV.

All day.

If it wasn't for him, Adele...

Well, of course. I just said I'd like to see her cycle down the cobblestone

street.

Well... Come now, Mrs. Petter. Why don't you kiss and make up?

Well, kiss that.

After all the beer he's been swilling, have you smelt his breast?

He sneezed in my face once. I was drunk for a week.

It would seem he's his own worst enemy.

I'm sure you'd like to bury the hatchet. Oh, I would, yeah.

In her head.

You're evil, you are evil. I'm not evil. I'm talking about the pot calling in

the friar. You remember what Rabbi Burns said when he

said, would that God had the gift to give us to see ourselves as those that

and see. Would that God had the gift to see us.

Would that God had the gift.

see ourselves look in the bloody mirror.

Sir,

I want you both to read this booklet.

I think it has the answer to many of your problems.

Now read it thoroughly.

I thought I told you never to ring me at work.

You stupid cow.

My father was right.

I should never have married you.

You make me puke.

What has Jean got that you haven't? Nothing.

Only she hasn't had it for quite so long.

It's group better, you ugly old bag.

If Moses had seen your face, there'd have been another commandment.

You are without doubt the ugliest, most loathsome, despicable, degenerate,

selfish...

People write to me, they all ask the same question. They all say, how come,

come a good -looking boy like you never married?

And I always tell them the truth. I fly a lot and I like a window seat.

And why should I make one woman miserable when I can make so many so

Well, two or three. Oh, with my back.

Oh, dear. It can't be much fun being married to a comedian, though, can it

really? I mean, they expect applause.

Any time they do anything half well, they expect a round of applause.

They do. No, they do. I promise you.

What woman, what woman wants to wake up in the morning and say, oh, Arthur, last

night. Oh, well done.

Bravo.

Encore.

She has to see that he's got a notebook and pencil with the side of his bed in

case he wakes up during the day.

And then there are the temptations of show business, you know. Only the other

day I was talking to Mrs. Bob Todd, and I said, how do you feel about Bob

working surrounded by all these beautiful girls?

Aren't you afraid he might get an appetite?

And she said, I don't mind him getting an appetite, just so long as he eats at

home.

I think he's on a diet. I think he's on a diet anyway.

But we're not, are we? Let's meet the lovely Hills Angels. Here they are.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to say this, and I mean this quite sincerely.

The other day, I saw the Miss World competition, and I honestly believe, and

think you may agree, that I don't think that one of those contestants was as

attractive, as beautiful, as charming, as delightful as I am.

And I do believe that.

I'm sure you'll agree.

Off you go, ladies, because Hills Angels now are going to give you their

interpretation of TV show titles.

And girls, spell it right this time.

It's the spelling at rehearsals you wouldn't believe.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy day.

Thursday, Friday, happy day. We've been stuck at home, ready to wait.

These days are ours.

These days are ours.

Goodbye, great skies, hello, blue.

There's nothing can hold me when I hold you.

It's all right, it can't be wrong.

Rocking and rolling, all the glory.

Wednesday,

happy day. Thursday, Friday, happy day. Saturday, what a day.

That's all we could do.

have to believe.

Because, you see, words are all important. You have to be careful how

them. I had words with the wife last night, but I didn't get a chance to use

them.

You see, the trouble with our language is that there are far too many

I met a German once who thought a family butcher was a man who...

Trust a female butt.

He took his kite into the lavatory because the instructions said wait for

wind and then throw up.

I think words should describe things more accurately.

I mean, phrases should be more apt.

Cap size shouldn't be an upturned boat. It should be the size of your cap.

A boxer should be a man who boxes, not a breed of dog.

And take a word like...

Sounds like an Italian fog.

I mean, if a couple get divorced because they're incompatible, does that mean

he's got no income or she's not very patable?

Or is the reason for the incompatibility just the fact they're incompatible and

he had more ability?

If ointment makes your elbow smart, should you rub some on your head?

pines really pine for pork to wine gums wine for gums and if a bricklayer's

allowed to lay bricks then why can't a plumber lay plums now take

hemorrhoid that tells you nothing and

it makes me so annoyed when there's a word that describes it perfectly the

is

an income.

All right, well, that's fine, but what is an occasional table the rest of the

time?

And why is pot mispronounced in words like potpourri?

that you may recall, and the sweetest, loveliest of messages.

James, they need no words at all.

Get on with your essay.

Hello? Oh, it's your mother.

It's your grandma.

I'll come over right away.

No, that's no problem. George has been in the car.

We could go fishing.

We could have a picnic.

With macaroons and fizzy drinks? Yeah. Sure.