All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s06e06

You have made a lovely job of that
ceiling, love.

Lavender, is it?

No, lorich.

Ah. The milkman said he was going to
have his done the same colour.

Ah. What seems to be the trouble?

Well, Doctor, to tell you the truth, I'm
a compulsive liar.

I find that hard to believe.

Take the baby, I'll take the egg. Oh,
all right.

Otherwise, you'll drop them.

All right, Ted, I'll leave you here, all
right.

Well, uh, how are we?

Not too bad, Doctor, for 92, eh?

Of course, I have to get up a lot in the
night to go and...

Of a tinkle, you know.

At your age, that's only to be expected.

He don't bother me.

You know, cos he... God always turns the
light on for me.

And when I've finished, God turns the
light out.

Mrs Tibbs? Yes?

Has he, um... Has he gone religious?

He says when he gets up at night to go
to the, um... God turns the light on for

him. And when he's finished...

God turns the light out.

Oh, Lord.

You've been doing it in the fridge
again, haven't you?

It's jolly nice to be here. Where have
you been then?

I've been up to London, I have. Oh,
there's a lot of clever dicks in London.

Do you know what?

They put helium in their fertilizer.

What they do that for?

Well, you see, comes the hot and when
the leaves falls off the trees, they

upwards.

You know that? You sweep them up.

Oh, and I tell you, talking about
floating upwards, do you know what?

They're so worried about the ozone layer
up in London, do you know what they do?

They don't use floy spray no more.

What do they do then? They spray them
with perfume.

Well, does that kill them then? No, it
don't kill them, but it makes them feel

sexy and you can swat on two at a time.

Oh, Flo

from Fulham went to see her padre and
said, a young man has just moved

in next door to me.

He kissed me and caressed me, and now I
feel that I should confess that I need

him constantly.

Now the part they said, well, if this
need is honest and true, then it is a

that you should be enjoying.

She said, I don't mean to say that I
need him that way. What I mean is I need

him in the groin.

In Brisbane, I met Mrs. Tibbs.

She got 27 kids. I love kids, said her
husband with a smile.

I said, I think you go too far. I mean,
I love a good cigar, but at least I take

it out once in a while.

And let's slaughter our Stacey. She is a
perfect lady.

Goes down to the harbour when she wants
to stick.

Well, see, by yet, core, I saw her write
a check for...

60 ,000 quid, then light her fag with
it.

Yes, dear old Peggy Sue, wet a bloke of
92, the old boy died of ecstasy, he did.

It took the undertaker seven days to
wipe the smile from off his face and

another two to close the coffin lid.

Do that. Oh, I would have liked one of
them pork pies.

You can have one after you tell us a
story.

Oh, all right then.

Said a chicken in a library,

boop, boop, boop.

The librarian gave her three, boop,
boop, boop. And so the chicken

plucked off home with two mils and boon
and one defriata.

Cha, cha, cha.

The next day she went back for eight,
boop, boop, boop. The librarian followed

her to take a look, look, look.

And he found her on a log with a frog.

Who was saying, ready, ready, ready,
ready, let the blooming log.

You naughty man.

You calling me?

Your name, exquisite creature. I beg
you, tell me your name.

They call me Miss Butterfly.

I say, Mrs.

Buttercup, lift your left buttock up.
You're sitting on a hot point.

I'm high and inure. I'm solid and pure.
The kind that the gentry prefer.

I wear satin and lace. I walk with easy
grace. Easy grace ain't as easy as

a... I dress with good taste.

I've always been cheap.

And most of the time she's been caught.

Because she don't like to sell herself
short.

She went with our local mare to see the
grizzly bear at that big zoo outside

Frome. But as they drove west, a big
sign said, bear left.

They turned around and come home.

Oh, it's been a while. You think you're
so brave with your wicked, malicious

chit -chat.

Well, take that and take that. Take
that.

and take that.

I'll take that.

You can't leave. You've got to call the
square dance.

No one does it like you do.

The girls have been talking, have they?

Oh, back down girls and touch your toes.
I'm going to show you where the wild

goose goes.

Partly round and then promenade and back
again. If you shake the ketchup bottle,

none'll come and then a lot'll. Chippity
-chop, chippity -chick, and get the

duck's tail, but you gotta be quick.

Drink that wine, Sandy, dear. Try the
cider. Cool and clear, then finish up

water beer. Then skip to the loo, my
darling.

Oh, Charlie's daughter Lolita swallowed
a thermometer in the winter. She looks

fine, but in the summer she's eight feet
nine. So if you think you're nice,

well, I give these folks some good
advice.

Eat a plate of beans on Sunday. Have a
bubble bath on Monday.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Daily Star, Daily Mirror, and from
tomorrow, The Daily Scuttle.

Yes, tomorrow morning, Britain's newest
tabloid, The Daily Scuttle, hits the

streets. With me, the man behind it all,
Editor -in -Chief, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

With me on, sir.

Oh, good evening, sir.

And hello to all our wonderful readers.

From your caring, sharing, ever so
daring number one daily scuttle.

What makes you so sure you're going to
be number one? Because we are the

newspaper that speaks out, faces facts
and names names.

Who's your proprietor? I'd rather not
say.

I suppose during the last few days
you've been having the dry runs.

I believe some of the lads have. I don't
know whether it's nerves or the curry

powder. You can't tell.

How did you prepare?

Did you get advice from old newspaper
men?

Oh, indeed.

Only last week I was talking to Derek
Jamieson, through his interpreter.

And he took excuse.

Well, tell him not on the floor.

On the Sunday sports.

Because it's thicker.

You talk to old newspapers, may I? I
talk to dozens of them, sir, yes. And

did you learn?

I learned that the byword is integrity,
sir.

To be successful, a newspaper must not
only have, but must be seen to have

integrity.

And once you've learned to fake that,
sir, you're nothing, sir.

Who's your TV critic?

Nina Cowpat.

Nina Cowpat.

Ugly enough.

Yes, sir, her.

Yes, indeed, sir.

Television's most controversial cricket.

Controversial? Oh, yeah, well, a lot of
people think she's as thick as two

planks, sir.

Of course, there are others who think
she's quite stupid.

I suppose, like the other tabloids, your
paper will set out to titillate.

To what, sir?

To titillate.

To titillate?

Sounds like a baby waiting for his
breakfast.

Are you going to emulate all those page
three girls?

Not all of them, sir, not with my hat.

Let me put it another way.

Put it whichever way you feel most
comfortable, sir.

It's up to you, isn't it?

Will you have pin -ups of half -naked
models?

We'll have pin -ups, but not just
models, sir.

Pin -ups of the famous Edwina Curry.

You, what a scorcher.

Marged fruits all over the centre pages,
I've heard.

Gloria Honeyford, barefoot, all over.

That's brought the colour back to your
cheeks, hasn't it, eh? It's green, but

it's colour.

Claire Rayner on page three, and page
four, and page five, and page six.

And for the ladies, Bernard Manning,
photographed on his birthday wearing a

suitable for the occasion.

Edward, he's sitting on his dinghy. In
the channel?

No, in the bus, sir.

Well, it's what the pillocks who read
are.

It's what our wonderful readers like to
read, sir.

Yes. Which story will you lead with
tomorrow?

This one here, sir.

Read it and weep.

Passionate Parliament.

Wild and wicked Westminster.

Yes. Big bad bold boozy back benches go
bonkers by Big Ben.

You have to be sober when you say that.

and Tory temptress in all -night
sitting.

Members exposed.

Yes, they work hard, play hard and hold
hands hard.

Please yourself.

Yes, I have seen behind Cyril Smith and
his face

aid of respectability.

My suspicions was aroused when I seen on
the wall what looked like a...

I was later assured it was a photograph
of Norman Tebbit in a sleeveless shirt.

LAUGHTER Nearby sat Nigel Lawson,

singing There's a Hole in My Budget,
Dear Maggie, Dear Maggie, to the Prime

Minister, who was wearing a fair old
sweater, riding boots and jog -oppers.

She said, I want my chief whip!

gave Roy Hattersley a funny look.

Funnier than the one he already had.

She sidled up to Michael Heseltine.
Hello, sailor, she quilts.

I want to get hold of a black rod.

Hearing this, Bernie Grant, who

was seated nearby, blanched visibly.

Yes, it is no wonder, sir, that they
won't allow the television cameras in

den of any quiet, sir.

Next week, why Nicholas Ridley had to
leave his council flat in Park Lane.

Good thought.

Why Neil Kinnock dare not go back to his
hometown of Glasgow.

And the truth about Enoch Powell and
Tina Turner.

That is junk journalism at its worst.
I've never heard such piffle.

Piffle?

It's full of piff.

Absolute rubbish.

I'd be very careful if I was you, Mr.
McGee, if that is your real name.

Otherwise, we may have to deny those
salacious rumours that are going around

about your strange love life.

But there are no rumours.

It can be arranged.

veteran in amazing love riddle shock.

Yes, Henry McGee is having a torrid
affair with a senior producer's wife. It

revealed today.

That's not true.

Then it was claimed today.

But in big letters.

I don't know any producer's wives.

They all say that.

Have you ever heard my honesty question?

I've never heard it mentioned, sir.

It is not true.

All right, sir, then we will print a
retraction.

In six weeks' time.

On page 28.

In little tiny letters.

Underneath the small ads.

For surgical stockings and dirty phone
calls.

But I wouldn't give stuff for your life
after that. You'd have no cocoa for

months.

But what makes you think people are
going to buy your paper instead of

Because, sir, we give them what they
want, sir. We give them headlines.

Headlines that tell it all.

Succinct. Look at that, sir. There.

Human bomb goes off on honeymoon.

Strategy, you see, sir. And the next
one, sir. Look at that. Showbiz.

Showbiz.

Ain't my helicopter.

And this one, sir.

City life.

life, sir, yes.

And this one's a scandal.

Cocktail waitress claims Larry Grayson
made me a complete woman.

Jim Davidson says, if I gave him the
wall, would he make one for me too?

All of human life is there, you see,
sir. And look at that.

Success. Diet food boss wins Nobel Peace
Prize.

It's like a little play on words, you
see, sir. Like, you know, the Nobel

Prize. You see, it's just a little...

Mr.

Stubble, good luck with your paper and
good night.

That's 20p, that, you know.

Oh, what seems to be the matter, old
son?

Everything.

I tell you, six weeks ago, I married a
20 -year -old beauty queen.

Gorgeous. She worships me.

She's loving, passionate, patient.

Multi -millionaires in her own right she
is.

We got a Rolls Royce, we got a swimming
pool, we got a sauna.

We drink champagne for breakfast every
day.

We sleep together in beautiful silken
sheets.

A life most people only dream about.

What are you crying for then?

I've forgotten where I live.

Ladies and gentlemen, they say the
answer to the most asked question in the

world is the ostrich.

You see, it can bury its head in the
ground for days on end.

And they say the answer to the second...

Most asked question is through the whole
of the afternoon.

And they say the answer to the third
most asked question is Hawaii 5 -0,

with the second goal being a penalty.

The answer to the question which I'm
most often asked is, yes, they are here

looking lovelier than ever in their
version of sport. It's Hill Danger!

laughter

Just Tompkins, 14 frames down to Jimmy
Tarbuck.

He's already lost to Davis White and
Taylor.

That's Betty Davis, Betty White and
Elizabeth Taylor.

But this young pretender, formerly Peter
Tompkins, till he went prematurely

ginger, was the wild man of Snooker's
Steve Davis.

with a smile and still keeping that
attacking aggressive style of his.

I wonder what John John Keith has in
answer to that.

Please, sorry, I'm late.

I couldn't help it. I couldn't get it
back to me anywhere. The traffic out

is terrible, honestly.

But I'm ready for it, eh?

I'm starving.

The meal's finished.

The meal's finished?

But I've had no lunch.

Honestly, I've had one slice of toast
and a cup of black coffee. That's all

had all day.

What did you do, then?

I'm famished, I mean. There you are,
sir.

I kept it for you. Oh, that is good of
you. Thank you very much. Oh, er, miss,

could I... Knife and fork. Thank you.
Oh, lovely. My lord, ladies and

I'm pleased to announce the tombola
raised 3 ,400 pounds. Well done.

My

lord,

ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for
your president, Sir Roland Butterman.

Well done.

My lord, ladies and gentlemen, this
guild of ours...

Not during the beach, man.

...has been in existence for 56 years

now.

And its membership has increased.

Mr. Benny Hill.

happy event?

Next Thursday, Victor.

Oh, and Alice, and you?

Next Thursday.

Oh, and you?

Next Thursday.

Oh, and you?

Oh, I see you're not expecting a happy
event next Thursday.

Oh, no. I didn't go on the church
outing.

Well, you and the film crew being in
that pub when the fight started.

Don't talk wet.

He started it.

Are you supposed to do that?

Where did we get him from?

How do you start a fight, then?

I see a bloke sitting next to his wife.
I go over and I say, your wife is the

ugliest cow in the entire world.

He takes a swing at me, eyes up.

Barman comes over to help me. I call him
a fascist pig. All the local yobbos

join in. I nip out the bat. And he gets
the place being smashed up on film.

the first time they did it.

Why not?

Well, I go up to this bloke and I say,
your wife is the ugliest cow in the

entire world. He turns to her and says,
there, I told you, didn't I?

Quit on that, is he? No. Are you sure?
Yeah.

I don't want them plonkers at the IBA
investigating me, do I? What a re -smog.

What a... Don't point that at me.

It's not on. I don't care. Don't point
it at me. It's been nerve -wracking.

Who are you exposing today?

Ratched Ben Ali Yakaman.

That's a good old English name, isn't
it?

What's he done, then?

What hasn't he done, mate? He's been
employing illegal immigrants, underage

kids, overworked, underpaid, sweaty
labourer in that stinking carpet factory

his. Lives in style, though, don't he?

Yeah. Off the backs of the poor.

I hate rich people.

I mean, half the world starving to
death. And he lives like that. I mean, I

you. You see, I believe in a fairer
distribution of wealth. I always have

Well, I'm a socialist, you see. And I
think, you know, we should all do

everything we can to help. Because that
is the creed.

Stop.

There he is. Come on. Get him. Get him.
Are you switched on?

My name is Ronald Crook. And I'm from
Central Television.

Mr. Yuckyman, my name is Ronald Crook,
and I'm from Ventral Television, and I

would very much like...

On, on, switch on. Yes.

Mr. Yuckymans, what do you say to the
accusation that you have been employing

illegal immigrants and underage children
at your carpet factory?

Excuse me, excuse me. You have no right
to burst into our privacy like this.

Oh, right, okay.

Oh, it's true, darling. I want the organ
grinder, not the monkey.

I want you, all right.

Keep going.

Mr. Yucky...

What have you got to hide? Why won't you
talk to us?

Why won't... Why won't he talk to us?

Because he doesn't speak English.

Oh, well... You're his wife? Yes.

Will you translate for us, then?

Yes. Yes.

Ready? Still going? Yes.

Mrs. Yackyman? No.

I am not Mrs. Yackyman.

But you're married to Mr. Yackyman here?
No, I am...

This is number six.

Yes.

Mr. Yuckymans is at number nine.

He's not the carbon king. No.

He runs the Durrani film school.

Film school? That's hasty retreat, I
think.

Will you switch that off?