Original subtitles

Pardon, monsieur.

The bill.

Ah, yes, of course.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I seem to have left my wallet at home.

I'll tell you the next time we come in, whenever you're right. Of course,

monsieur.

But, monsieur, just in case we forget, I will write your name up on the wall

here. When I say, I say, some of my friends may come in.

They'll see it. Of course they won't, monsieur.

Madame's coat will be over it.

There it is.

fiction. A woman's the greatest of all contradiction.

She'll lift a man up.

She'll let a man down.

She'll crown him her king, and then she'll make him a clown.

In the morning, she does.

In the evening, she don't.

And just when you're certain she will, she bloody well won't.

Now, like a fool, I married Lola, who played the piano, but her cooking, sad

say, was not so hot.

She used to often boast of how she made pot roast.

Most of the time, it tasted like roast pot.

On my birthday, she said, hon, we're going to have first bogey on. I said,

in lots of lovely red wine, Lola.

She said, I don't have time to go and get red wine.

She cooked the whole damn lot in Pepsi Coke.

Eve and Adam.

Adam and Eve. With the start of all this trouble. Well, that's what I believe.

But even so, ladies and gentlemen, a thing of beauty is a joy forever.

we have searched the world to bring you the most beautiful girls in the world

who sing to you

and

now

ladies and gentlemen it is my pleasure and privilege to introduce all these

Beautiful girls, each and every one of them to you. And first up, we have our

little beauty queen.

Miss unwed mother of 1983.

Miss foam rubber of 1984.

Miss ball cock of 1985.

We all call her Bubbles.

She never has a handkerchief.

Tell me, what did your boyfriend call you, honey?

My boyfriend called me Dimple. Dimples, isn't that sweet? I don't see any

dimples. Yarr, not my boyfriend.

Look at that.

Oh, God, like a pigeon on a hot pavement.

Next, ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Paris, France, Europe, we have the

C .C. de la Couricard.

Oh, God.

Oh, just look at her, ladies and gentlemen. She comes from France. She

that beautiful street, the Champion's Life House.

Near the Arc de Trumpet.

with two pair of pants and a terrace all the way round. But unfortunately, she

does not speak one word of English, do you, honey?

Not a word.

What'd I tell you?

However, I will make the translations for all you good people here tonight.

Mademoiselle, je fais les translations, n 'est -ce pas?

onto the podium.

There she is.

This, as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, is our English Rose. Very

class. Doesn't say you who, says you whom.

Goes into a restaurant, orders a bacon butty with a side salad.

Likes me for my charm.

You as much charm as a temporary filling.

Well, honey, looks ain't everything.

In your case, they aren't anything.

She might not be intelligent, but by golly, she is stupid.

Dumb, this kid is so dumb, she thinks a trifle is a three -barreled rifle.

She thinks a coolie is a quickie in the snow.

Does a crossword puzzle. It says to egg on. She puts toast.

Oh, God, I'd love to see her in 3 -D.

That's my room number.

to meet our beautiful little Latin American incinerator. Oh, boners,

Her brother is the famous South American streaker, Senior Willie.

And this beautiful little girl took me home with her to her hacienda, to her

casa last night. You took me home, didn't you, kid, eh?

Si. Si.

Took me in and locked the door. Si.

Si, si. Si, si, you see?

Tell the good ladies and gentlemen what you gave me.

And

what's more,

I had it twice.

Once with chips and once with a side salad.

Okay, kid. Adios.

Amiga. Oh, reminds me, must get my watch fixed.

There they are, ladies and gentlemen, the most beautiful girls in the world.

But, as you probably know, this all started years ago at the time when even

were around.

Now, some people blame the apple at the top of the tree.

Me, I blame the pear on the ground.

Now, Adam, he was fond of Eve. He longed to turn over a new leaf. And as Eve

smiled and tossed her pretty curls,

Adam raised his eyes to heaven and he sighed and said, Oh Lord, I've got more

ribs. Have you got any more, girl?

Would you drop your trousers?

No? Would you bring in the hypodermic?

Not that hypodermic. Take it away.

Bring in the big one.

Darling, you see, I should have told you before, but I... You see, I wear a wig.

And done.

and the right.

What?

What are you doing?

It's like singing, wasn't I? Like in the modern idiot.

You know, it's what they call rapping.

I want to rap on. I want to rap on.

I want to rap up.

Out of all these people.

Come on, do it properly like what I showed you.

When I look into your eyes of blue, I want to weep, I want to weep, I

want to weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep.

So much when she sings, I want to give her one, I want to give her one, I want

to give her one, I want to give her wonderful things.

Why do you keep doing that?

Doing what?

One minute you're perfectly all right, and the next minute you sound like a

dick, like a dick, like a dick.

Come on, you do it. I like ladies stockings, nylon silk or cotton,

because no matter how long they are, the top is always...

It's a funny old world. Funny old world. Funny old world. It's a funny, it's a

funny, it's a funny old world.

Out there on the centre court... Off the court, they are quite pally. This

is a most impressive rally.

like proverbs and sayings made to make you ponder.

But I reckon he's got his brains in his behind.

Because he says, out of sight is out of mind.

Then he says, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

And he says, look before you leap, and as you sow, so shall you reap. And of

course, for every jack there is a jill.

Oh, he says, now you see it, now you don't.

That was created by a bloke while he was watching a nudist rolling down a hill.

in wilderness.

Well, I worked day and night until I got it right, until I had cleared up the

rotten mess. He comes past one day, sees my floral display, notices the lawn all

newly mown. He says, it shows what God can do with a little help from you.

I says, you should have seen it when he had it on his own.

One day he comes in the dog and duck, surveys the scene like he's Lord Mark.

Then he tries to impress our chubby barmaid, Myrtle.

He says, I'll have you know my friends.

which shapes our ends.

She says, well, I'm putting mine in an 18 -hour girdle.

He carried on just like he started.

He says, a fool and his money are soon parted. I says, well, how did they get

together in the first place?

He says, well, before I tell you this, ignorance is bliss.

I says, well, how come you've got such a miserable -looking face?

He says, each man to his trade, for we are not all made the same.

Evil Knievel is glad when he misses his last bus.

Would you call that virgin on the ridiculous?

He says, start each day with a smile. And in a little while, I said, someone

will say, who the hell are you laughing at?

He says, I nearly want to say, Rome was not built in a day.

I said, now, what the blooming heck do you mean by that? He says, well, look,

I was to put a stud bull in a pasture that was full of cows and sort of let

kick over the traces, next day I wouldn't find a lot of little calves.

I says, no, but you'd find a lot of contented faces.

You see, the more that he got tricky, the more we took the mickey. He says,

here's the saying with which you must agree.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

I said, it can also make him father of a large family.

He said, it is better to have loved a short, fat girl than never to have loved

at all.

in Spain aren't all Jewish, then why do they call their son Saul?

I said, yeah, get this proverb, mate. There's this mother of eight sewing up

old man's pyjama pants with twine. I says, right, now what have you got? He

says, waste not, want not.

And I says, no, a stitch in time saves nine.

That had him. He don't come in here no more.

Well, all them sayings was a bore.

I mean, nowadays they can't stand up to inspection.

I mean, take...

You can fool some of the people all of the time, or you can fool all of the

people some of the time.

I mean, either way, it'll keep you in power till the next election.

Of course, I agree with, never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.

Because if you do, that may lead to sorrow.

Because you see, if you do it today and you like it, you can do it again

tomorrow.

And of course, do unto others and then run.

That's practice throughout the land.

And of course, ladies are like pianos.

Because when they're not upright, they're grand.

And it's a stiff neck when a short skirt passes by, eh?

And people in fast blouses shouldn't show bones.

Am I that sick?

from sending you to a beauty parlor.

Why don't you answer the damn door?

Oh, pardon me.

Your wife?

Would I have a maid as ugly as that?

Come down. I think she's rather attractive.

Would you like to go sit down?

Oh, thank you. Watch out. There's a step there.

Watch it.

Hello.

This is the line. from next door.

Don't you dare.

Do call me Henry. I'm Miriam and this is Barney.

Would you like some coffee?

Hard time.

Well, would you like to take a load off your mind and sit down?

You may find that my wife and I will take a little bit of getting used to.

full of unconventional.

What they're called bohemians.

Bohemians.

I've got little peccadillos.

I find that very hard to believe, Henry.

I really do. I mean, none of us are perfect.

We're what you people call swingers. You know, two's company, three's the crowd,

and four's a lot more fun.

Yes, you're provided.

You were lucky to find us at home. I overheard you talking.

That was just a little lover's tip.

Actually,

Barney wouldn't swap me for anything.

Oh, pity.

Hey, do you mean what I think you mean?

A change is as good as a rest.

I know, but quite honestly, you know, that is a situation into which I have

never entered into.

I don't even know that I could go along with anything like that.

It's got to be a first time for everything.

Oh, hi.

Let me introduce you to Lorraine. This is Miriam and Barney. Would you like

coffee?

Well,

who's going to be mother?

Well, not me, that's for sure.

Don't start that again.

I can't stay long. I'm off to Greenwich Village in a minute.

Sugar with or without?

Without.

Shopping? Oh, no such luck. Cream, with or without?

Without. No, I'm off to model for a painter.

With or without?

Without.

You great idiot!

I shouldn't have done... It's OK.

It'll all be coming off in a minute.

We seem to be getting along fine.

And, uh, we get along okay?

Yeah, yeah. You know, um, when you've been married to the same woman for a few

years, you, uh, begin to fancy a trade. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know.

Fancy something.

I see something a little different.

What the hell are you getting at?

I mean, we could swap wives.

Oh, I see, yeah.

Only temporarily, of course. I mean, I know you wouldn't want to part with your

Miriam forever, now would you?

No.

I really fancy your Miriam. I'd just love a romp in the hay with her.

Henry, I have to, but you...

Well, I don't know. It's wrong.

Who said it's wrong?

Well, my doctor, for a start. He said I shouldn't make love to anybody except my

wife. He said I wasn't to get excited.

I know.

Nonsense! Dear the world of good.

Oh, just trying off.

Supposing she doesn't agree?

Oh, she will.

I know my wife.

Once I get your Miriam next door and try a little bit of the old charm...

Do your best for me. I think I'll go and find the little boy's room. But down

the corridor, Henry, you can't miss it. I'll try not to.

See? They're a lovely pair, aren't they?

Oh, God, are they ever a lovely pair.

Oh, a lovely couple, yes, yes. He's nice. He likes you.

No, I kind of like him. He said he's got some new contemptible furniture in his

apartment. I'd like to go and have a look at.

Barney says you've got something to show me.

Come on next door and have a look.

Oh,

it doesn't waste much time, does it?

I'll tell you something else more, don't I?

Oh, I'm sure you'll like my mummy.

Your mummy?

Didn't daddy tell you?

That was your father?

Holy cow, I didn't...

Well, she always...

all that good living.

They're the people that ask him over for a drink.

Oh, OK.

Carry on.

Yes, stop it there. Stop it there.

Does he have to join them?

Well, it's not essential to the plot, but it's quite funny.

I don't know. We've still got to lose three minutes.

What do you think?

Well, it's up to you, really.

Let's get him back on his bike and off.

Where

was

this? Where's he going?

This is the alternative avenue, where he ends up with the Duchess. We haven't

got time for that. Hold it.

Get him back.

That better.

Get him off in the right direction.

Hold it. Hold it.

What happens next?

He bumps into the post and a paint pot falls on him. Is it funny?

Well, it's not bad.

I mean, is it really worth doing?

It might get a chuckle or two.

Well, let's see. If you don't like it, we'll lose it.

Hold it.

I don't know about this. Take it back.

Why not let's look at it?

Okay.

No, don't laugh.

Take it back.

But you've not seen it.

Okay, let's see it.

No, stop.

It's not really us.

Take it back.

Oh, all right, if we don't see it, we'll never know.

Roll.

He's not very funny.

Don't get him on his bike at all.

I don't remember shooting this.

Who shot this?

Did you shoot this?

No. I've never seen this before.

Hey.

What's he up to?

Here. Stop it. I can't. The switch is jammed. Look. Try the main switch.

Well, where's that?

Over there, isn't it?

Where over there? Are you the switch man?

Try that one.

Oh. Oh, is it?

Oh, here he is now.

What would Philip say?

Are you going to cut it? You bet your astrakhan coat I'm going to cut it.

just see what happens.

That's more than my job's worth. Well, it wouldn't take long. We don't have

time. It won't take long.

I'll come and please.

I'll come and please.

Oh, go on then. Roll in.

My big mouth.

You want to cut all that?

No. Lindy as it is.

Oh, poop.

I say you, my man, here.

Oh, look, isn't he great?

Jeremy, how far is it to bath?

Looks like he can do the bath himself.

Without you, sir, I should be no cap. to direct you, sir, to the beautiful city

of Bath.

And I can tell you that it is exactly 69 and 7 eighths miles from this very

spot.

What seems to be the trouble? Well, you see, doctor...

It's me, sex drive.

Yes. How old are you?

Ninety -two.

And you're worried about your sex drive?

Yes.

It's too high.

Too high?

I want you to lower it for me.

Lower it?

It's all in your head, is it?

I'm the damn goldfish.

Forward and back.

Forward and back.

Forward and back.

Forward and back. Oh.

Forward and back.

Forward and back.

Forward and back.

See, how do you do that?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it? I mean, my brain is a human brain bigger than that

of a fish.

And I just sort of concentrate, and the thoughts go from my mind, right the way

down my arm, into the tag, and the fish obeys my every command.

Simple.

You're a great fat behind the sofa, I say.

When what you do is my body, buddy.

Otherwise, there's going to be blood on the carpet.