Original subtitles

Nearly finished.

I think you're going to like that.

Oh, yeah.

My Cynthia will be pleased.

What the devil are you doing?

Tell me, Captain, is it true you have a gal in every port? I think I'd rather

have a port in every girl.

I bet you've had dozens of pops in port. Yes. Tell us about them. Do.

Very well.

In a bar in Singapore, I met lovely Eleanor.

Twenty -seven stone of rippling charm.

She could wrestle, she could fight.

Her tattoos were all spelled right.

And she had pigtails, but they were underneath her arms.

I asked this lovely lass if she would join me in a gloss.

She said, I'll have a quart of gin and limes.

I gently kissed her on the cheek, but the lady didn't speak.

She was doing up her poop late at the time.

So I said to Anne -Marie one night, next time you're angry, Anne -Marie, just

count to 20 and you'll feel better and you won't feel like a fight.

She has to take her gloves off when she wants to count to 10. To count to 20,

she needs her toes as well, and that's why.

By the time she's removed her gloves and tights, she doesn't feel like a fight.

If she does it in front of me, then neither do I.

Australia, but the trip there was a failure. I went into a bar near

I drank a quart of Castlemaine, kissed a barmaid called Lorraine. Then I went

out and shot a kangaroo.

Now on the journey back, I had to see old Dr.

Mac. He examined me and said, oh, I've got news for you.

He said, you did it wrong, old son.

What you should have done, you should have shot the barmaid and kissed the

kangaroo.

passenger. Could it be that she's a second -class passenger, too?

Well, it takes one to know one. No. Kitty, I want to tell you something, and

that is, you made me... I didn't want to do it. I

didn't want to do it.

You made me... And all the time you knew it, I guess you

always knew it.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I see a man approaching you. His clothes are coming.

grumps again.

laughter laughter

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

during the Battle of Little Big Hall as a low -budget TV program with 800

extras? How's he going to make it pay?

He says he's going to use real bullets.

Do you think TV commercials should be more like real life?

No, Marty, I think real life should be more like the TV commercial.

We are selling dreams, dreams of elegance, of wealth, of style.

Oh, God.

How the hell can we beat Dallas and Dynasty?

We just gotta come up with something.

You sure you wouldn't like a Bloody Mary?

No. Put lead in your pencil.

I got no one to write to.

Maybe we could learn from the British. How?

Well, all our soaps are about rich people. All the British soaps are about

people. Maybe we could write about a poor family. No, no, the American

they don't want to see poor people. They want to see rich people.

Because you see rich people, well, they got more, um... Money?

Watch it, kid, just watch it.

No, the American man identifies with a rich guy because of his charisma, his

presence.

Because of his Christmas?

His charisma, comma, his presence.

His Christmas presence. Can you imagine?

Christmas presence.

Christmas presence.

I got it.

I've got Christmas presence. Oh, thank you, thank you.

Christmas presence.

Yeah, yeah, I've got it. It came to me just then, like a vision.

What? What? What came to you?

Musical numbers. They are hymns, psalms, prayers, and it's full of wonderful,

meaningful stories.

Parables. It's true.

Cast your bread upon the waters.

They will come back a hundredfold.

Will you make a note?

David Slingshot.

No, no, no, honey. That's what he has.

That's not what he does. He has a slingshot.

He doesn't sling. Make that into a note, will you?

Harder than he laughs.

Harder than he laughs?

What a comedy it is.

Moses' parents. The day that Moses was born, his parents were real proud of it.

Not only did they make a fine young son, but they made a handsome prophet.

And he says, follow me.

But bring galoshes. I never did this trick before.

And the waters part and they cross over and they turn right. Because if they'd

have turned left instead of right, the Arabs would have had the oranges and

they'd have had the oil.

But old Moses, he don't care about it. He just keeps taking the tablets.

the lobby, the broad who danced naked in front of Harrods.

And Noah?

Noah, Noah, he said, hey, everybody, come and look at my ark. I just washed

Now it'll down.

I tell you, it's great. When I think about it, it brings a lump to my wallet.

But the cast.

The cast.

Oh, I started at the beginning. Adam, Woody Adam.

He who bites the apple.

Farrah Fawcett.

with teeth like that, when they bite into an apple, they really bite it, huh?

I wouldn't let any one of them lick my rock.

Cain and Abel? Cain and Abel? Cannon and Ball.

Cannon and Ball. Why, in the book, one of them dies.

Have you seen their act lately?

Samson and Delilah?

Samson, Delilah, Larry Grayson. Yeah.

Who's going to play Samson?

get a stuntman in.

John the Baptist?

John the Baptist, Lionel Blair.

Lionel Blair, John the Baptist.

John the Baptist, right, the dentist. He can do it.

Don't forget, we're fighting Queen Martin, Harton, Larton, Barton, and

Productions.

And keep your air on spelling.

Not to mention Don Kaffner.

I think I can get Larry Hagman. Oh, great, J .R. J .R. plays J

.C. I like it.

If we're really up the creek, Terry Wogan, he works cheap.

That's good thinking, PC.

Who's going to play the Virgin Mary?

Who, Al?

Joan Carley!

What money are we talking about? Well, we're talking up front about $60

Hey, that's great. Put me down for $10 million. Yeah, $10 million. $10 million

of that. I'll put up the other $30 million.

What do you want, honey?

Monsieur, c 'est trois francs. It's 40 drinks.

30 francs. Oh, sick. Do you have a credit card? Oh, you got me, honey.

I left my wallet at the...

Thank you.

Thank you.

for a television festival.

And while I was there, a Swedish journalist came up to me and said, Mr.

are you aware that in Sweden you are regarded as an enigma?

Now, I always thought an enigma was what the nurse gave you in hospital when you

have a touch of the tapioca.

And he said, you see, you have never been categorized.

And I said, well, I'm not Jewish.

around to what he really wanted to say, and that was, and you won't believe

this, that there were some women in Sweden who thought that I was sexist.

Did you believe that? Me?

Sexist? I don't know the meaning of the word sexist.

I had to look it up in my boy's own dictionary.

Nowadays, I'm almost afraid to say dictionary, because dick is masculine.

It wasn't there.

So I looked up feminist.

It said C -Sexist.

But you hear a lot about feminists nowadays, don't you, eh? You never hear

masculinists.

Perhaps there's no such word.

Perhaps the masculine equivalent of a feminist is a male chauvinist pig.

It's a bit unfair.

You never hear about female chauvinist sows, do you?

A woman's hour.

There's no man's hour.

Listen with mother, there's no listen with father.

Watch the woman, there's no watch the man. And look at the sexist magazines.

They've got this woman, this woman's mirror, woman's own, woman's realm,

weekly. Us fellas have only got one.

in the papers, the talkative trollops, the telltale tarts.

Don't they give the fellas a rotten time in there? They tell everything.

It's not just kiss and tell, is it?

It's far worse than that.

No, you see, in my day, girls used to say, oh, you won't tell, will you? I

promise you won't tell, because in one month I'd actually kill me.

Now they say, no!

A girl in the paper the other day, 19 years old she was, she said she had had

affairs with 20 show business stars.

20! And the interviewer said, do you always have affairs with stars?

And she said, no, only about one in ten is a star.

She wouldn't be interested in the others because they're not famous, you see.

That's 200!

At 19, it's a wonder she had time for her own.

And she said, what are you telling me? He said, will you keep your brace for

Really, I could never ever do anything like that myself, because I don't think

it's right. You shouldn't talk about things like that.

Well, you are.

Anybody, they'll tell you. I don't yell, I don't tell, I'm grateful as hell.

I could tell you who my present lady friend is, and I think you'd be a bit

surprised.

No, it wouldn't be fair.

Royalty can't answer that.

Oh, come on, they're all doing it. I might as well.

Are you ready for this?

All the women I have known, and when I say known, I mean known.

Are you ready?

In alphabetical order.

Zelda.

No more time.