Original subtitles

Thank you.

about it, my dear.

Don't you remember?

You told me all about them round at your

from America to sing at the Albert Hall.

He sang songs of protest and fairer shares for all.

He sang how the poor were much poorer and the rich too rich by far.

Then he drove back to his penthouse in his brand new Rolls Royce car.

What a world.

What a world.

What a place.

What a place.

Now, Daddy Simon, the burger factory was all too brief.

She fell into the grinder and got chopped up with the beast.

Now the weights and measures man came round and picked up such a racket that

they complied with the trades, the Christians act, they declared her on the

packet.

Oh, what a place.

What a place. Ain't you glad you're in that store?

Now, stick with this, Miss Whitlock.

Marry Dolly, pick.

He was four foot two and nobody knew who put him up to it.

He came home one night exhausted and he fell down in a heap. She said, you must

be waxed. He said, I'd rather go to sleep.

What's that?

Is that your number up?

Now a shepherd boy got stranded on a mountain in the fog.

To avoid starvation, he had to eat his dog.

He looked down at the pile of bones and murmured as he rose, it's a pity Rover

isn't here. He would have loved to have chewed on those.

What a world!

Now the button was pressed, the world destroyed, leaving

just one solitary man.

And at the top of the Empire State Building, his lonely existence began.

But his loneliness was too much, so he jumped and he fell like a bird with one

wing. And as he passed the seventh floor, he heard the telephone ring.

What a day.

What a day.

What a day. What a day.

Thank you.

It's a pity you ain't got remote control.

George, where are you off to?

I've got to get some flowers for the wife's birthday.

And when is her birthday?

Yesterday.

Horlicks, darling, Horlicks.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather have some champagne?

Champagne? No, we're sleeping, Phil.

Forever love.

Patel and Bronco have combined to bring you the world's most romantic love

songs. Music you will cherish forever in our love story.

... ... ... ...

... ... ... ...

Burleigh Shafi and Rich Clifford.

Shirley Bassey and Cliff Richard.

There's Dolly Parton with a couple of lovely hippies.

There's Roddy Aldrich and his over -sex cat.

John Dankworth and Keely.

I need to remember the kind of September when

life was slow. Mary.

Ohara.

Liberace.

Moira Anderson.

Fellow try to remember

December, it's nice to remember without a

hurt. The light is hollow deep

in December.

It's nice to remember the fire of Shepton.

Two pints, please, not one.

You will be so enchanted with our love story.

Many of you will want to make it your love story.

To obtain your copy of Forever Love, call free phone 3434 -333

-33306. Oh, thick.

Or write to Mrs. Blackhead and Boyle, 1 Pimple Lane, Ackley.

I'll give you that address again.

13A Council Flats, Park Lane, W1.

Personal callers at Charlesworth House, 584 High Street, Bombay, India.

Angela, cross your legs or something. It was terrible.

The bad news is I've just matched your general knowledge papers.

What is the purpose of the hole in the bottom of a plant pot?

It's where you stick the thermometer when the plant is dead.

Who is always happy to miss the bus?

Evil Knievel.

who's had a sex change, a transistor.

Right. Now, the good news is, I know you'll be pleased to know that it's one

our six -form girls who has won the poetry competition designed to launch

new feminine dictionary.

Wherein, of course, everything masculine is replaced by the feminine equivalent.

And thus, man's field becomes woman's field.

Rand's gate becomes you.

Boyant becomes gallant.

And a monkey becomes a nunny.

It's called Sandy and Womandy.

Sandy and Mandy, dear. Don't go to sleep.

Through her open window, Sandy heard the bells of St. Paul's.

As she lay in bed and sipped a glass of water.

started singing a beautiful her by her favourite composer, Mendel's daughter.

She popped a vixen's lassie a mint into her mouth for a suck

and she read her old school her story book all about Sir Francis Duck.

The phone rang and she womanfully crawled out of the bed.

said woman D is anybody there Mandy Sandy croaked you'll

have to pardon my voice I'm afraid I'm a little mare woman D said see you at

three Sandy grabbed her life girl soap ran through the bathroom door

she paused in front of the mirror and thought I'm glad I don't have his

The Duchess yelled, Pass Mother down the bus!

They chatted away like chip nuns. Womondee admired her dress.

And thank you had a camera showed Womondee all her colour princesses.

hentails. And he said, are you all right?

She said, are you Arse Queen?

She said, yes, I am Arse Queen.

And then the woman, he told her off her plight.

She said, I...

I didn't tell a lady.

I even speak Hebrew.

She said I was parked at St.

James Wood near ladies' cricket ground one day.

A huge crowd had turned out to see Jeff Goldcock play.

When I saw my sister Marilyn running from a shop, she leapt into my hill

car.

That record store.

She singles and LPs and all bums by the score.

Records by girl Georgina.

Doe's Fizz.

And Simon and Garth aren't.

As well.

Not to woman -shun Johnny Mathers.

She said she's made my life a hell. She's done wrong.

I tell the police, well, there are two things wrong somehow.

If it weren't such a terror cow tragedy, it would be quite laugh -a -cow.

Sandy thought.

Then she gave her her answer.

It was the right one, as both of them knew.

Sandy simply said, Ask for God, my dear.

She'll know what to do.

The heat is on.

The heat.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Let me take you there And you and I'll be dancing In the cool night air

Well, we're at a dancing party Then you're out there having

fun A

lady phoned her

local cinema manager and said, What time does your programme start today?

And he said, What time can you get here?

That joke just about... just about

sums up the predicament of today's independent small cinema manager.

Facing, as he does, increased home competition.

To find out more, let us meet one such man, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Mr. Scuttle, I'm from Thames Television.

Mr.

Scuttle. Yes, sir.

The cinema is today facing more and more competition. There are four TV

channels, video, cable TV, big screen TV.

And miniature TV nowadays, sir.

They've got a miniature TV nowadays with a screen a quarter of an inch across. A

quarter of an inch screen, sir, yes. A quarter of an inch? Yes, sir. Have you

watched it? Well, you lick it and stick it on your eyeball.

But we here at the Empire Cinema are fighting back.

How? By refurbishing and refurnishing, sir. Arnold and his brother work day and

night for three weeks to get it looking like that, sir.

They've done the seats in uncut moquette, the curtains in crap machine,

the doors in solid

mahogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogog

Oak.

And they left them all lovely and shiny, sir. They were lacquered. Well, after

three weeks.

And whose idea was all this?

Well, actually, it was my wife, ugly enough.

Because, you see, we was attracting the wrong class of person, you see, sir. I

mean, my wife in here one afternoon, sir, she had to change her feet four

Some man molested her?

Eventually.

Usher had to be very vigilant, sir. Very vigilant indeed he had to be. He

doesn't hit them. Oh, not without to hurt them, sir.

Give him a bang round the head with his torch.

But not to hurt them, sir. We don't condom violence here, you see, sir.

And I mean, no, no, because it was getting very rough in here. I mean, that

little girl from the wool shop, sir. Lovely little girl, sir. And a teenager,

you know.

Very young, painfully shy, sir.

And I mean, quite honestly, puberty for a young girl can be a pretty hair

-raising time.

She was in here, sir,

one afternoon, sir, and she was sitting next to this bald -headed man, you see,

sir, who had just lost his toffee.

He wouldn't have minded, only his teeth were still in it.

Now, you see, she's sitting there, you see, sir, he's sitting here, and he sort

of starts groping around, searching for his toffee, you see, sir.

You haven't forgotten, have you? She's sitting...

Like that, you see. Well, now, sir, she looks down, sees his bald head, thinks

it's her kneecap, and covers it with her skirt.

Now, he thinks the lights have gone out and strikes a match.

Well, I can tell you, sir, she's the only person ever to get into the circle

with a stalls ticket.

You know, I mean, Arnold, he wanted to charge her the extra, you see, sir.

And did you let him? Oh, no, sir. A regular customer.

Just took it out of his wages, sir.

And how long has he been with you?

Well, he hasn't been with me at all. He's been against me from the word go.

Tell you the truth, sir. No, 30 years. He's been an usher for 30 years. It's

long to be a cinema usher. It really is, sir. Because it affects his brain, you

see, sir. I mean, when we get a spy film here and the customer comes in, he

tears the ticket in half, memorises the number and swallows it.

When we get a cowboy film, he goes for his torch like that.

And he says, Kincaid, there's two of us going down this trail and only one

coming back.

And when they go past the gents, he says, do you want to mosey along to the

corral and water your must hang?

When we had that gambling film, sir, about Las Vegas, sir. After the show, he

goes across to the fish shop. He says, give me a stack of chips.

He picks up a flatfish. He says, this must be the play.

Get your hands off that till he says.

And give me a vinegar on the rock salmon.

He says, watch it, otherwise you're going in there without flatfish. And

they find you tomorrow, you'll be battered to death.

It was all too much for his brain, you see. Being a national all those years

really affected you. Oh, indeed.

They got married last week and walked down the aisle backwards.

That's him, sir. That's him, Carlos.

That's him now.

What's that funny thing on his shoulders?

That's his head.

Oh, that, oh, no. That is our cue here sign, you see. That sign there says cue

here, you see, so that people know that it's not for you, you great Lomatero.

Go and get them posters up.

You're expecting views?

Yes, we don't put on rubbish here, you know, sir.

We've got a film this week directed by the Italian director Antonioni.

Antonioni? Yes, that's a marvellous film. I was going to write and

him, only, well... I know.

You can't spell Antonioni.

I can spell it, sir. I just don't know when to stop.

What's it about?

Well, it's about an hour and a half.

Oh, the storyline, sir. Oh, yes, it's a wonderful storyline. It's about this

poverty -stricken bookmaker, sir, and all the people that hang us on like the

cooling dam.

Then we see what has happened in all his life, what has taken place in the past.

Sir, yes. It's in retrospect.

No, it's in English, sir.

Yes, indeed it is, sir. Right from the time he's dogged by ill luck when he

breaks his leg in the eye hospital.

And then he goes to this wonderful faith healer who does teeth.

And piles.

Not at the same time, you see.

He spends four hours with the faith healer and he gets herpes.

Well, I never did.

Well, then you'll probably be all right.

The lady who will go out with him is a short -sighted Bessarabian weightlifter

who works at a slaughterhouse and moonlights at the coal mine.

And she's only gone out with him since he's had the three -speed took of his

crossbar.

But the first time he took her out, so you see, he didn't suck them. That was

it. He didn't suck them, not the first time, he didn't suck them.

He didn't suck them to her charm, you see.

Charm? Yes, he didn't.

All of a sudden, sir, all of a sudden like that, he fell.

Head over heels.

Bolts over colliery.

Was actually, sir, and they fell in love. They got married in the colliery,

Arthur Scargill was the best man.

So he said.

And there's a gap in the other half. Oh, it's started.

The film's started. Come inside.

You'll enjoy it. Arnold, unveil!

to go in, you can play on the way out.

You'll

like

this one, sir. It's about this sailor and this woman, and the drunker he gets,

the prettier she gets, you see.

Right, right.

Thank you.

I'll try.