Original subtitles

Hey.

backside. That is what a lot of people say.

But I say, if one comes to you in times of trouble, now be a friend and don't

turn him away.

And if he says he needs a thousand dollars, give him two or maybe three or

four. And for all his life, he will remember you, especially when he wants

more.

Of the poor man with no food in his kitchen. Some folks today are so darn

Why, they don't even have a pot to pitch in.

Friends, and I call you friends.

I know you're too well to call you ladies and gentlemen.

But everybody at some time in their life needs a helping hand.

Well, that poor old lady whose gas stove went out through the roof needs a

helping hand.

That poor woman who's so damn... ugly every time she goes to the supermarket,

they turn off the cameras.

She has tried every beauty product known to man.

Helena Rubinstein, Mary Quant, Elizabeth Arden, and she still looks like Max

Factor.

She needs a helping hand.

And that poor boy who goes from their first time in his life to a massage

and finds out it's self -service.

That poor old lady who don't know the difference between putty and pate.

All her windows fell out.

She needs a helping hand.

And that poor boy sitting in the waiting room of the hospital with his arm

wrapped in bandages and sticking out like that.

And he turns to the woman next to him and he says, I put my arm through a

glass window.

And she says, lucky for you, you had that bandage on.

He's going to need a helping hand.

And that poor man who's got both hands burned, both hands covered in burns and

blisters, he'd been seeing his mother -in -law off at the station when he

up the engines.

And he sits there in the saloon with both his arms in great thick bandages

all over his hands, his hands looking like two enormous white boxing gloves.

And he struggles to get that pint of beer up to his trembling lips.

But he perseveres.

Because he had courage.

And Watney's.

And Worthington's.

And it took him four hours to drink 12 pints of beer.

And when he'd finished, he stood up and he says, Will you

excuse me?

I'll only be gone a minute.

Or two.

Or 16.

Well, you know as well as I do, that boy's going to need a helping hand.

Because that's when you find out who your real friends are.

Well, I say, give that boy a helping hand.

Go and hold the door open for him.

And that cocky little gal, that hitchhiker I seen this morning wearing

pants, trying to climb on the back of a truck. I tell you, them hot pants of

hers was so damn tight, I could hardly breathe.

needed was a helping hand.

I gave her one.

My case comes up on Thursday.

From this moment in time, I want all you wonderful people to join in singing

this beautiful song, A Helping Hand, A Helping Hand. Everybody needs a helping

hand.

his vitamin tonic every day.

I can't think what he does with it if he doesn't take it.

Yes, I'd like to have an early call to...

Yes, 3 .30 I am.

And another one...

Token of my appreciation.

What's this?

Iron bag?

A bleeding iron bag?

You give them other girls a thousand pounds each.

Here, take this back.

I want the same as you give them other girls.

Certainly, my dear.

Here we are

together.

You gotta be the man I need, everything you do for me, so love me in the night.

You gotta be the man I need, everything you do for me, so love me in the night.

You gotta be the man I need, everything you do for me.

this native girl only wore 11 beads and 8 were perspiration.

Or she never said she had a glass eye. It came out in conversation.

Or her feet are so big she used to go to the crossroads to turn around.

Or she's so fat when standing up she looks like Cyril Smith while sitting

He asked the soldier why he was bow -legged one night when she was drunk.

said, was it cavalry, fat horse? He said, no, infantry, short bunk.

You know, I think we joke about our body because we're a bit ashamed of it.

And, you know, I think the body would be improved if it was rearranged a bit.

I mean, like the ear. Would the ear lose all its charm located underneath the

arm?

Would not those moments still end here, spent whispering in a lady's ear?

And while sweet nothings were being said, God would have somewhere to rest

head.

If by chance you have a home near the flight path of an aerodrome, forget the

noise, ignore the riot. Just fold your arms and fall into quiet.

If you want to listen to the radio, simply lift the arm like so.

Or lift both arms. for stereo the mouth I think I'd put the mouth up

there beneath your bonnet and you could swear and go they'd not know who'd done

it if a Chinese couple meet both bow their head well they could change their

minds and kiss instead if you're late for work don't mind that put your

breakfast in your hat

on those two fingers there.

That way they could look anywhere.

Through a keyhole, behind the screen, see round corners, we are being seen.

See far off, see quite near, you could look in your own ear.

give teeth to see ourselves as other teeth.

The nose, I think I'd put the nose alongside one of the big toes.

Feet like to run, I know that's true, but you could let your nose run too.

The object of the nose is to smell, but some folks' feet do that as well.

There are some other parts.

I can't be too precise.

Though the parts concerned are very nice.

I think you know the ones I mean.

Oft talked about but seldom seen.

Well, you know, they would come to no harm situated in your palms.

Of course, in public you'd have to wear a glove.

even out with the one you love, except, of course, in Saint -Tropez.

There, you take off your glove, chuck it away.

Lie there in the sand, all hot, showing everything you've got.

Meeting folk from many lands.

Think of the joy of shaking hands.

Well, there it is. That's my wee plan, the science and proof of the law plan.

If this plan was implemented, I think we'd go far.

On second thoughts, leave things just the way they are.

George.

George.

Here,

George, you're awake.

I am now, aren't I?

You want to wake me up, fool? Wake up.

I can tell me, sonny. Can't you wait till the morning? Tell me in the

for goodness sake. I'm trying to... Well, what is it, then? Oh, don't get

It's not your mother, is it?

Your mother's not coming round. Don't say your mother's coming, for God's

Well, what is it, then? Tell me, what is it? Now, don't get worked up. Remember

what the doctor told you.

It's not the car, is it? You haven't smashed up a car again.

Well, what is it? God, what have you done this time? Tell me what it is. Tell

what it is!

No. No, you're right.

I'll tell you in the morning.

not worrying about it, would you?

No, no.

You're supposed to take them out of the box.

Cleopatra, Cleopatra, what have you done?

Come on, put something into it.

Cleopatra, Cleopatra, deep breath.

What have you done?

I'll try.

Deep breath.

Cleopatra, Cleopatra, what have you done?

He's big, isn't he?

I am Munduno Besani Karibu.

Do not worry. We will help you. We will show you how to

do jetty and fuete.

And first position.

But why are you talking to me like this? I understand English terribly well.

We wasn't talking to you, love. We were talking to Wayne.

That new dance teacher said I got to put a clean pair of socks on every time I

come to class.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, I can't get me big shoes on.

Primavera, primavera.

Van Der Leeuwen.

From the rain,

from the rain, from the rain.

I've done my tough and mischievous thing.

you all again very, very soon. And until... That's very rude.

What? Oh, two minutes.

Two minutes under.

We can't be too... We've never... Excuse us. We've never been too... Two minutes

under. Yeah, yeah.

Yes. What was the pillow say out there?

Get on with it.

Oh, did it? Get on with it.

All right, you're the producer.

This week...

Had a very mild winter, hasn't we?

The scenery falls down. I get blamed for it. I do.

After the last show, the Daily Telegraph, or was it the Melody Maker?

I get them muddled up, one or the other, said that this show was full of

innuendos.

I always thought they were Italian suppositories.

Some of the girls' dresses were cut low enough to make a baby cry.

I don't design the dresses. It's nothing to do with me.

It's him up there.

Director.

Couldn't direct traffic.

I said, do we have to have girls running around half naked in all the shows?

He said, well, I look at it like this.

I'm not against half -naked girls.

Not as often as I'd like to be.

But you see, it reflects upon me. Somebody I haven't seen for ages the

day, he said, Ben, I bet when that show's over, you and them birds are at

like knives.

Me, Simon Pureheart.

He said, I bet you get plenty of Obie Joyful, eh, Ben? Plenty of Obie Joyful?

I haven't had any Obie Joyful since...

What's the time now?

Not since four o 'clock.

January the 2nd.

1979.

It's an illusion, you see. Show business, it's all a big illusion.

I mean, the girls on this show. Teenagers, yes.

Early 20s.

It's all polyfiller.

One of our girls is worried sick about her son getting bullied by the prefects

at his university.

I said, why don't you take him away? She said, I can't, he's the headmaster.

It's an illusion.

See, this, this is not the real me. God, you passed me in Tesco's, you wouldn't

recognise me.

I wear high heels, nylons, a fender belt.

I'm kidding.

I hope I'm kidding.

And this, look at this. It's all make -up. This is not a suntan. I mean, this

is... his makeup.

Under this, I'm as white as a sheep.

I said to my doctor, how do I stand?

He said, it's a miracle.

And he said, you've got to start taking things easy.

He said, otherwise I could go like that.

He said, I could go tomorrow.

I hope I do go tomorrow.

I haven't been today yet.

Oh, we're all right, are we now? We've made it up. Oh, jolly good. Well, ladies

and gentlemen, thank you for being with us. We'll see you all very soon. Until

then, bye -bye. Take care.

Lady shit.