All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s05e04

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to inject you.

This, uh... This may hurt a little.

I'll rub your sleeve.

I say, uh, did you

get my letter?

Oh, not off. Here.

Why do you write that on the envelope?

Well, personal?

Well, it was pretty personal, wasn't it,
eh?

Personal?

Oh, I thought it said personnel.

And I've been showing it round the
factory.

But I think

it's a crime there is so little time

and so many beautiful...

Oh, Mama Pasquale, it never tasted
better. Come on, Dougie.

And the girls, of course.

I took Anna

Marie to a restaurant.

She said, I guess I'll have champagne.

Then lobster and steak and wild
strawberries. I said, you'd better guess

Lolita was rich when I met her.

But she went and she threw it away.

She invested it all in a chicken farm
and then found that the rooster was gay.

The rod of her flat she cut on my lap in
her pretty organ skirt.

I said, show me you're really my baby.

She did. She dribbled all over me shirt.

Little Rose fell from her bedroom
window.

A crowd gathered around this young elf.

And they all said, what happened? And
she said, I don't know. I only just got

here meself.

Then someone bought a tumbler of water
that they got from a tap that was handy.

She said, I fell 40 feet and got water.
How far do you have to fall to get

brandy? But, oh, lovely lady, show me
your face. To hide such beauty would

be a disgrace.

Skin through the satin, hair soft as
lace. I beg you, sweet lady, cover up

face!

Please give these to the pawnbroker's
daughter.

I think of her more times than I ought
to. But a father won't let him see any

young lad. Then these are for her and
that's for a dad.

or Marie, Dana, Janetta, or Nola.

If you lied, you could even have me.

I thank you all for your kindness, dear
ladies.

And I will smile as I tip my sombrero.

But if I can't have the girl that I love
for, it's goodbye to the gay.

My doctor died last week.

He was only 29.

29? I wouldn't have much confidence in a
doctor who died as young as that.

Come in.

I'm sorry to trouble you, Mr. McGee,
only, you see, I'd like a transfer.

What's all this about? Well, you see,
it's all the other clock. They keep

I'm like a monkey. They keep saying I'm
like a orangutan, you know.

I'm not like a monkey. I'm not. I mean,
I'm getting fed up with it now. I'm not

like a monkey. I'm not imagining all
this. I'm not imagining it. No.

I'm like a monkey and I want to transfer
and I'm not like a monkey. Of course

you're not. If that's what you want,
I'll arrange a transfer.

Thank you very much, sir.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

Any particular branch?

once again to yet another holiday
programme.

And tonight, we'll be looking at budget
holidays.

And once again, Spain comes out top of
the list with seven nights in Mallorca

for just £50.

That is, of course, seven nights and
does not include the days.

During the days, of course, you can do
whatever you like just so long as you

keep out of Mallorca.

Our cut -price cruise is in the Bay of
Biscay.

and is available from the 1st of January
to the 8th of January.

For seven... For seven days cruising in
the Bay of Biscay, this is just

75 pounds.

That's with six meals a day.

Three down and three up.

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne of the Hollies,
Priggle Bottom Lane, itching head.

What to spend a week in the South...
France to celebrate their 10th wedding

anniversary. And they'd like to know how
much it would cost for a double bedroom

for them and a single room for their 12
-year -old son.

Send there to find out.

The town of Saint -Louis nestled snugly
midway between Monte Carlo and the

Spanish border.

And with each passing year, this
Delightful resort gains in popularity,

especially with the British holiday
maker.

As always, a warm welcome awaits at the
Club Jolife.

And with the sky a cloudless blue and
the temperature well into the 80s, oh,

thank you, I certainly won't be needing
these until the end of my holiday. Thank

you.

The Updikes from Romford are paying
£200.

For that, they're getting half -born.

Of course, for another £50, they could
get completely born.

This might include soft drinks.

And any of the many teas and many of the
many, many, many, many teas.

Laundry is extra.

The beaches, of course, are free.

As is all the sporting equipment.

Determined to leave fitter than when he
arrived, Mr. Updike is taking full

advantage of the physical training
instruction.

with small children will be pleased to
know that a qualified babysitter is in

attendance 24 hours a day.

And for those who can afford it, there
are a

number of five -star hotels.

Oh, this hotel is fantastic, you know.

Because, you see, it's deluxe.

My dad's paying a hundred pounds a day
for me to stay here, you know. Money can

afford it. It's a plumber, you see.

Makes £50 ,000 a year, my dad does.

£50 ,000?

My dad's a brain surgeon. He doesn't
make that.

More didn't my dad when he was a brain
surgeon.

Oh, then there's them waiters like.

Oh, that Alphonse.

You had a crush on him, didn't you? I
did, yeah. An orange crush on him.

Of course, I could have had champagne,
only, you know, it gives me the wing,

see.

That Alphonse, you know, he sort of, one
night he sort of crushed me to his

manly bottom.

And he looked at me with his good eye.

And as the warm Rive Vita breeze
caressed me body, he said to me, Mon

said, Mon Cheri.

He was all breathless because he was
using both lungs, you see.

He said, Mon Cheri, he said, you sweat
less than any other fat girl I know.

Oh, and the weather's great, isn't it? I
had a job getting my dad to come, you

know. He didn't want to come. He didn't
want to leave his telly. He watches the

telly all day long. Do you know, he
believes that the people in Crossroads

real.

Like they are in Coronation Street.

I tell you, if it wasn't for Emmerdale
Farm, he'd get no fresh air at all.

Oh, and the true world, thank God.

Oh, they're lovely. We visited some
lovely cities.

We'll put our little shorts on.

Too long or too loose?

Well, mine wasn't, I tell you that.

But after all that grub, I felt real
bloated.

Mercy Gaston.

Pour une jolie demoiselle.

Oh, c 'est vrai, n 'est -ce pas?

L 'amour, toujours l 'amour.

And then on to you for some more l
'amour.

I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that,
Dad. I keep telling you, French food

doesn't need all that sauce.

Oh, God, you have to take me everywhere
twice once to apologise.

You know what I mean?

Still, we might get phlegm on lemon
juice, but never on Sundays.

People holidaying in this part of France
would be well advised to keep an eye on

their incidentals. They can turn out to
be anything but incidentals. This beach

umbrella will set you back two pounds
for the day.

An hour on a pedalo will cost you three
pounds.

And to rent a sunbed and beach towel
will cost you exactly four pounds.

If you're prepared to put on a little
weight, there are many fine bars and

restaurants.

Thanks.

George, have you seen these prices?

George!

The spaghetti restaurant has a fat meal
at four pounds. This includes the VAT,

but not the TIP.

The motto of the club jolly fest is, you
come as a stranger, but leave as a

friend.

And if you arrive alone, well, you
certainly won't be alone for long.

For those holidaymakers with tight
budgets, this beach is the one for you.

It's called the Sun of the Beach.

And you can sit at this table all day
long, and it won't cost you a penny.

a few francs for two little bottoms, for
a two -litre bottle of wine, and, of

course, a nice crusty French loaf, a
good wedge of cheese.

Come and bear, Brett.

Come and bear, Steph.

If you're not as close to the water as
you'd like to be, just lean down, pick

a shell, and you can hear the sea.

Soon it'll be time to think about
returning home and looking up old Fred.

And Mr. Updike will certainly feel a lot
fitter than when he arrived.

And

now,

it's time... to leave this beautiful
sunny south of France and return, thank

so much, to wet and windy White City.
I'll certainly leave this.

In all, Mr. Uplight's holiday cost him
300 pounds.

That's 100 pounds for the holiday and
200 pounds for the osteopath.

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time
for. But do join us next week when we

will be looking at sporting holidays.

And we'll be looking at surfing in
Switzerland.

We'll be looking at mountaineering in
Holland.

And for those of you with less to spend,
there will be shooting and tooting,

dancing and lancing, sailing and
hailing, sledding and redding, and

farm boats.

Until then, on behalf of us all, I
just...

On behalf of us all, I'd like to bid you
all very good night.

Oh, love, I do wish you wouldn't keep
reading in bed.

Who prophesied that the world would end
in 1933.

And for him, it did.

But he left behind a legacy of wonderful
yarns and poems, and even the titles of

them have a sort of logical ring to
them. Titles like, One Good Turn Gets

of the Bedclothes.

Do Unto Others, Then Run.

When they're not upright, they are
grand.

And not only did he write the books, but
he also designed the covers.

And I thought I'd read to you one poem

from this book here.

pass father down the bus.

And not, as some people read it, please
pass your father down the bus.

It's not the same thing at all. Let's
see where we are now.

What is the United Nations, asked the
young wee lad?

It's where helpless nations turn in
times of trouble, said his dad.

When one nation all alone decided can do
nothing, son.

That's when the United Nations meet and
decide that nothing can be done.

The lad said, I see politicians on TV
every night.

Some say this, some say that. They can't
all be right.

Some say this is so. Some say the
opposite applies.

Now, how is the wee lad to know which
one is telling lies?

His dad said, there's one sure method.

Way beyond improving.

Watch their faces.

You'll see.

The one who's telling lies.

is the one whose lips are moving.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can
do today. If you do, it may lead to

sorrow. Because if you do it today and
you like it, you can do it again

tomorrow.

He who laughs when things go wrong has
just thought of someone he can blame it

on.

The soldier sat in the army jail and his
mother had brought him a puddin'.

You can't bring that in here, said the
sergeant, even though it was a good 'un.

And he saw the look in the mother's eyes
and he knew she was feeling hurt.

So he did a thing he thought he'd never
do.

He helped a soldier to desert.

Well, the soldier got hold of his
puddin'. And he ran

with it back to his cell.

Then, put out your puddins for Trinkle,
he heard the sergeant yell.

If you want treacle on your puddin', put
it out without delay.

The soldier put out his puddin', and the
sergeant took it away.

Mmm.

Jack Dalton. Oh yeah. He weren't half
off.

I've chucked it in the Duffin anyway.

No wonder you're in here, is it?

Riding your motorbike on the pavement to
avoid paying road tax.

And when that copper asked you if you
had a pillion, what did you say?

How many's that?

He meets Her Majesty the Queen and all
he can think of to say is, that reminds

me I must get some stamps.

He puts in six new windows in his house
and then finds that his glasses are

cracked.

And they're very quiet.

Oh, you all right, Albert?

I've been to the dentist, haven't I?

Wisdom tooth.

They put one in.

Oh, he took it out. Well, he wasn't half
big.

But it's filler.

I know.

The dentist has got it.

He's in hospital.

Broke his leg. How?

Playing poker.

How could he break his leg playing
poker?

He cheats.

I see Charlie got three years then.

What for?

Disturbing the peace.

You don't get three years for disturbing
the peace.

You do if the peace you disturb is the
magistrate's wife.

He can be in a special aside court.

All the things she said about him.

What?

Don't say she said that.

She didn't say what aside.

I say she... What's that with you then?

Here. I took the number seven bus.

That frightened the life out of me.

Why? I'd never driven a bus before.

Them coppers in there will tie you up
enough.

Ah, not me.

I'm quick -witted.

Quick -witted?

You couldn't handle a click if your
false teeth come loose.

Your feet are all right. They're only
doing their job.

Why don't you dye your head blue and
join them?

That's why we need coppers anyway.

I mean, people are basically honest,
aren't they?

If anyone finds a glove in the street,
they put it on the wall and go on, don't

they? Till they find the other glove and
then they run back for the first glove.

Don't they?

What's I'd pick?

You what?

I'd pick... Well, it's like where they
say we can't have archaic and eat it as

well.

Yeah, where did you get that book from?

I found it outside.

Well, don't let them coppers see you've
got that book. You know what I like.

Are they stuffing them now, then?

Right,

we're ready for you now. If it wasn't
for coppers, we wouldn't be here.

Who's the toughest bloke in this pub?
You are, mate. You are, of course.

Hey, you!

Who's the toughest bloke in this pub?

Oh!

It's all right. It's all right. No need
to get aggressive just because you don't

know the answer.