All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s03e01

Paddy, it's no good. They know where we
are.

We surrender.

We surrender. We surrender. We
surrender.

This is the Benny Hill Show, with the
help of all my favorites, including the

swinging thriftles.

And to resist, so I try.

But if I didn't come here...

Gold and silver.

The first one down, the lovely Marianne
Faithfull.

The hero, Gino.

The hero, Gino.

And the lad is called Jerry Hill.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is not

generally known that the island of Luana
or Polynesia to be Pacific.

Oh, God.

has the largest female population in the
world.

And when I say large, I don't mean
numbers. I mean they are big.

God, they are big!

Oh, the pains are coming back.

But the average size of the average
Loenese woman is 52.

19.

Because nothing will grow in the shade
out there.

Everyone's cups of tea.

But personally, I look at it like this.

They make my wife look like a midget
because my wife's only about so

high.

God, she is stupid. The other day they
gave her the key to the city.

She locked herself out.

Thank God. But while I was in Luana, I
had the pleasure.

several times of meeting the chief there

and his 17 wives.

17! God, all that meat and no potatoes.

He was a funny little fellow, you know,
white hair and wizened old little nog

hands, about 30.

He wrote a very beautiful song once, and
it was only four verses long, and I

have translated it into English. In
English, it is called... She was only a

stockbroker's daughter, but everyone got
his share.

Please yourself.

Well, he wrote these four verses, and
before he could write the fifth verse,

got trapped in a revolving door with two
hula -hula dancers.

Big ones!

And he was massaged to death.

song now there's only four verses not
quite cute so here we go with his on the

beach in Waikiki there lives a lovely
maid who cannot keep her body still when

her favorite song is played but if you
sing the chorus in Hawaiian they say

she'll appear not only will she dance
but she'll give you her souvenir her

goes

little bit quicker.

One day she bought a book so she could
learn to water ski.

Then she spent a fortnight looking for a
sloping sea.

But with Luna in her long grass skirt,
the excitement never stopped.

And all the farmers say they love the
way that she rotates her crops.

a pigeon on a hot pavement.

I'd love to see her in 3D.

That's my room number.

Third verse.

We lay upon the sand one day beneath the
cloudless sky.

I bought her a crimson rose to match her
bloodshot eyes. Oh, she got a little

bolder. My shy young thing, I said. She
got a little bolder and she dropped it

on my head.

Manuna. Reminds me I must get some hot
-cooked frozen fruit.

Hang on to your hernia belt.

Fourth and last verse. Okay.

He said you give me half a crown and I
will read your palm.

Then she saw my love line went halfway
up me arm. So now she's changed her

prices, although she's just as willing.

It's big fat men at two pound ten and
little boys a shilling.

Come on, kids, all right!

won't disappoint them. I'll tell you
what, I'll give you a roll on the drum.

Manuna, Manuna, Manuna. Just a minute,
what does Manuna mean?

It is what girls say to boys while
walking through cow field.

She say, don't tread in Manuna.

Lord Denby, a footman, gardener and
handyman.

While Lady Denby's maid

was a charming creature named Emily
Turnbull.

And on Sundays, George would entertain
his lordship's guests on the flute.

While Miss Emily played the virginal.

She didn't fool anyone.

So it came as no surprise to the village
when on September the 15th, 1907, they

became man and wife.

Their honeymoon was spent in Bognor
Regis.

and her son Gavin, after a sailor she
once used.

Listen to him talk.

Aye, and he'm only seven years old.

There's musical he is.

1914, and George Blod was sent to fight
in German East Africa.

He never returned.

Instead, he married a Ubangi lady and
settled in Congo.

Heartbroken, Emily went to live at
Frinton -on -Sea.

Her many kind friends set up a fund to
send little Gavin to Milan, or Paris, or

anywhere.

After all, boys will be boys.

Nescaf. Nescaf.

But, you know, as a child, Gavin was a
delicate, sensitive, rather... highly

strong little boy.

But at this time he was helping me to
write my

music for the dance.

Your belly, sweet.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh,

pardon. After that, you see, he began
decomposing all by

himself.

1939. The war clouds were gathering.

In England, young men gallantly answered
the call to arms.

Gavin Blod was no exception.

for the front. On the dockside crowds
were singing and cheering and laughing

because they weren't going.

his love of music into others.

Gavin was tireless in his efforts to
entertain his fellow children.

only escape.

Two days afterwards, Germany surrendered
and Gavin settled down in Vienna.

You know, during the war, everybody

here in Vienna was poor.

I was poor, my wife was poor, the butler
was poor, the maid was poor.

But it was this poverty that brought all
the people together.

You would see advertisements in the
newspaper saying, Communists with a

and fork wishes to meet capitalists with
steak and kidney pudding.

Bravo!

Dankeschön.

I think that Gavin Vlad came here for
the music.

After all, where else but in Vienna
would you find music?

Like this.

Played with Dutch.

And I would say, Al, would you find
musicians like this? Will you shut your

bloody mouth?

But, you know, seriously, I think that
the cause of Gavin's

downfall was Maria the opera singer.

She was dead a woman.

That's what everybody kept asking.

In 1949, Gavin fell in love with opera
singer Maria Carlo. It was her voice

first attracted him.

1950.

Gavin returned to England.

He was a wonderful man. He was a
wonderful man.

He could play anything.

He would kneel up in the serenade. He
would play Finkel's Cave or

Overture of the Hebrides. He played
that. I mean, the four Indian love

Amy Woodford Bypass.

I mean,

you could be in a pub with him all night
long and you would never even know he

had a penny.

He used to say, I'll drink to my two
favourite composers.

Mozart and Liszt.

No, he only drank champagne.

And then he wrote this, what they call
it, electronic music for the

documentary about the new computerised
postal service.

What happened?

He got lost in the post.

In the advent of pop, there was less and
less demand for gabby kind of music.

62, overcome with remorse and chronic
fatality, he took to his bed where he

remained for three years.

Is the vicar gone yet? No, it wasn't the
vicar. It was the doctor.

I thought he was a bit familiar with the
vicar.

You've eaten your bread poachers again,
haven't you?

Don't worry, old fellow.

We'll have you on your feet in no time.

I don't have a job getting a coffin down
these stairs.

And so on May the 12th, 1974, Gavin
Blunt died of stomach cancer.

And so he never heard the brass band
from the village where he was born, just

outside Wedlock, play his tone poem,
Bird of Freedom, which perhaps was just

well.

and we can't drive, and they want
toilet, and we can't type, and then over

they want three fellers, and there's
only two of us.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you now
welcome, please, the enchanting Lee

music when he's near you and Christmas
comes every day of the

year then you should know why it's the
first clue that the

moment of truth is near if every time he

glances your way a million bells start
to ring loud and

clear and after one kiss You yell May
Day, then the

moment of truth is here.

Oh, promise me starts to sing in your
ear.

You're wide awake girl.

Promise me.

He wasn't walking very fast.

Look, I'll put out them cookies you
made, because guess what? What, Mama?

are going to have a gentleman cola.

A gentleman cola.

A gentleman cola.

Speak to me.

Mama, you act like it's the first time
it's ever happened. Well, I've had

gentleman cola.

pull it before.

Well, Mama, I can marry any man I
please.

But you don't please any of them, do
you?

Look how you treated that poor Knowerton
Short.

Poor Knowerton Short?

Mama, Knowerton Short was not a knower
-mower man.

Oh, but his own driving movie.

So as he could look at the wall -to
-wall carpet.

He left the people over 70 and free.

Only if they was accompanied by their
parents.

Were you faithful to him? Mama, I was
faithful to Norton Short several times.

Why did you ask Elmer Briggs? Elmer
Briggs? Holy cow, Mama. I seen a nice

engagement ring in a jeweler's window,
and I said, Elmer, why don't you go buy

it?

I like him because you said he was the
city slicker. He was a street cleaner.

Well, that's the same thing.

Baby, we just got to get you a rich
husband.

We can't go on like this.

So when he comes, please be nice to him
for Mama.

Mama, it is not me that puts him off. It
is you.

Mama, do you remember when you had to
drive Jed and me down to the Clambake?

were sitting in the back of the van.
sparking and all you had to do was

the white line down the center of the
road, you had to go and follow a cow

was late for milking.

When we got to the clam bank, you had to
go and put an egg in your malted milk.

Well, lots of people have egg in their
malted milk. But not fried, Mama.

And then when you seen Jed's poor
grandpappy's tombstone there hanging on

that long piece of wire, you had to go
and say, I see you got the phone put in.

Do you remember, Mama, when I was a
little bitty baby, whenever I fell down

hurt my knee?

I used to come to you, didn't I, Mama?
And I'd say, Mama, can I have a cookie?

And when I lost my tidy buyer and my
wooly offender and

my little dollies, I used to come and
I'd say, Mama, can I have a cookie?

And then, that day when my own dear,
sweet, wonderful little pet skunk

I said, Mama, can I have a cookie?

No. Now, what did you bloody give me
one? I don't have no money.

I don't care. I'm taking them up Choctaw
Ridge because I like to eat them up

there. Don't know why it's so quiet up
there. It's like a graveyard.

Child, I never told you this before, but
your daddy proposed to me on Choctaw

Ridge. And when I accepted him, he was
so...

three daughters are all pregnant and
they claim that you are responsible.

Is that true, Lester?

Lester, I do believe you're blushing.

Lester, that is the twelfth time that
it's happened this year and it's only

January the fourth.

Lester.

The door, ma 'am.

I have to believe it is.

Now, don't rush yourself. You better go
and have a lie down.

and I'd like to see you too.

Why, Mr.

Arbustnut, my, you look so immaculate,
don't he, sissy?

Yeah. Oh, this is my daughter, sissy.

Hi. Not from here, you wink.

Now, why don't you join Mr.

Arbustnut? Why, is he coming to part?

It's a little warm for this time of the
year.

It sure as hell is. Why, I'm sweating
like a horse's armpit.

Well, who wanted to marry my daughter,
sissy? Only the mayor.

He was corrupt.

I seen him in church on Sunday. So did
I. He crept into the crypt.

I guess you two young 'uns would like to

be left alone.

Yeah, sure as hell would.

Why didn't you mind the mayor?

On account of a name he called me.

What name was that?

Well, I don't rightly remember, but I
know it began with the B.

Was it beautiful?

No, it wasn't beautiful.

Baby? No, it wasn't baby.

It wasn't? No, it wasn't.

And it began with a B.

Oh, I remember now.

Honey.

My, but you're an interesting and
exciting little critter, ain't you?

I'm a little shy.

Well, ugly little four -eyed skinny
baldy shrimp like you ought to have more

confidence.

You don't have a terrible picture of me?
I look like a monkey.

You should have thought of that before
you had it taken.

I thought that, yeah, I thought that,
yeah.

Oh, ain't no two ways about it. You sure
are an ugly little critter, ain't you?

Well, I didn't ask to be born.

You didn't want to stay where you were,
did you?

Did you get out? No, I didn't. Okay,
then. Listen, listen, listen.

Someone left the gas on. What's going
on?

What? I have a very important question I
want to ask.

Then hold everything you want to ask.

Mrs. Shippy, you know my Martha has been
gone three years.

She ought to be there by now.

But I've been faithful.

I think adultery's just as wicked as
murder. Don't you agree, Sissy?

I don't know. I ain't never killed no
one myself.

Mrs. Shippy, will you marry me?

Me? I thought you wanted to marry Sissy
here.

What? That great ugly lump? I wouldn't
kiss her with a set of boned lips.

I have never been so insulted in all my
life.

That's because you don't get around
enough.

Why... Why, of course I'll marry you.

But what's going to happen to my little
girl? Don't worry about me, Mama. I know

who I'm going to marry. Hey, Lester!

Child! Are you out of your cotton
-picking mind, Mary Lester? Why, he

breathe. I know that.

He can't write.

I know that.

He can't even speak proper.

I know that.

Well, what in heaven's name can he do?

Come on.

I think you remember that last week's
winner was Peter Potty and his

pig.

He will not be going on to our all
-winner show on February 31st, as last

he had a rather lean week and had to eat
the act.

His place will be taken by the act that
came in second, that very talented

soprano from Cardiff, Arthur Treader.

And so we come to our last act this
evening. They come from British West

They are all related to each other.
They've done two cabal performances on

Woolwich Ferry.

They've appeared in front of the
President of the United Dairies. And

the versatile Bentwoods.

That was right.

And let's meet the youngest member of
the family.

Could I have a chair, please?

Thank you. Why don't you throw it on?

Hello, my little man.

What's your name?

They call me Jolly Jack.

Ta. You're welcome.

Never mind about that, then.

Tell me, what hung like you?

Yes, three brothers.

Vladimir, Ivan, and... Igor.

Tell me, were your parents Russian?

No, they just took their time.

Never mind about that, then.

Cormis, if I told you you had a lovely
figure, would you hold it against me?

Never mind about that, then.

I hope she never gets a cold in the
chest. It won't want to go.

Never mind about that, then. What are
you going to do with that?

I am going to drink this beer. And what
am I going to do while you're drinking?

Recite the alphabet.

Recite the alphabet!

Incotical!

Ha -ha.

We'll just see whether it's incotical
or... incotical or not.

Right, ready? Off you go. Right. A, B,
C, D, E, F.

A little bit of magic for the... That's
the idea.

Right, get off.

Here we are.

Here we are.

Right.

Don't worry, children.

The quickness of the hand is the exact
of the eye.

Doggo, you know, that little toy there.

I probably cost you quite a lot of money
in any big store over Christmas with

just a few little ordinary party
balloons.

Put it down. Put it down.

Put it down!

Yeah, he gives him a nice long straight
body. I'll take a second.

Oh!

A few partly balloons.

Nice thin body.

That's the idea.

And there we have a lovely toy that has
probably cost you quite a lot of money.

have the versatile ventures.

Now, are they going to beat tonight's
winner so far, who is happy backs with a

hundred and seven?

Well, we'll soon find out as we go for
Mark's presentation, Ted Ray.

Well, you know, I come from a large
family myself.

Well, fourteen of us, really.

We used to put Mother on a pedestal. We
had her to keep her away from Father.

But I must say, I like the tiny fellow.

Reminded me of my father, Arthur Askey.

Arthur Askey. He's a nice little thing.

Has he really? I didn't know that.

No, I thought they were very good. Well
done. And they should be. Now, how about

you, Vicky, both?

Uh, yeah.

Well, I think their scene and their
dancing was interesting and exciting.

Their acting was quite nice, quite
refreshing. Actually, terrific.

But, um, you know, I've handled them
all.

Beatles, I've handled them.

And, uh, Milliken and Nesbitt, I've
handled them. And Kathy Kirby? No, I've

never handled them.

I've never represented her, you know,
but I think they're a very good act.

should go a long way.

The sooner they start, the better.

Clifford David.

Well, now, I do know a little bit about
magic myself.

Now you see it, now you don't. Now you
see it, now you don't. Now you see it,

now you don't?

Sounds like a nudist rolling down a
hill.

I thought the magician was perhaps just
a tiny bit unlucky.

I think if he'd just cut a lady in half,
he'd have probably got the half that he

eats.

But all in all, no, jolly good. I give
them nine.

Tony Hatch?

Yeah. Well, you know, I like to play
whenever I possibly can, but I still

that in this case. I mean, that woman
who sang, she had rather a peculiar

for a woman.

Or a man.

Or a camel.

But, I mean, she could sing on What's My
Line for a couple of hours and still

fool them.

It seems to me that she's trying to
emulate Cilla Black.

I'm not absolutely sure that the world's
ready for another Cilla Black.

I'm not even sure they were ready for
the first.

Right,

now, well, that makes quite a lot.

Now, that's for content, Ted. Well, I
believe in life, liberty, and the

of record wealth.

Vicky Boast.

No, I'd only give him half that.

Six.

Clifford Davis.

They were worth more than that.

Four.

How about you, Tony Hatch? Two.

Well, that makes around 30.

Well, somewhere around... Take the star
quality.

Oh, I think definitely six.

Six.

Ricky Boat?

Well, I'd like to give the little old
man three, give the old bird two, and

little blonde, I'd like to give her one.

I mean, I'd like to give her one. I'd
like her to have one, like.

Make her 18 -all.

What do you say, Clifford?

I thought the contortionist was perhaps
stretching things a little bit too far,

but that's only one way of looking at
it.

All in all, a resounding success.
Congratulations.

Give them three.

Toby Hatch, are you feeling any more
generous?

Well, I got up at seven this morning,
and I came here at seven, and it's

seven of them in the act, so I'll give
them two.

This is in all 101, so Happy Bats is
still the winner with 107.

Thank you.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Bless
you.

Thank you for joining us and we look
forward to seeing you all again very

soon. Until then, bye bye.

Thank you.