Original subtitles

["BRAND NEW LIFE" PLAYING]

♪ There's a time for love And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

ANGELA: Mm...

Angela, you're such a pinch penny.

Mother, I don't care what you say.

You simply cannot claim having your legs waxed

as client entertainment.

You claim having the office floors waxed

as a business expense.

Now, what brings in more business?

Your floors or my legs?

Well, Mother, if you look at it that way,

then I should pay for your clothes, and your makeup.

And why not take a week at a health spa

and charge it to the Bower Agency?

Oh, thank you, dear.

See you Thursday.

Guess I told her.

Sam? Honey, can I help you with that?

No, thanks, Angela. I can do it myself.

It's just as well.

I probably would have dropped it.

What--? What--? Excuse me.

What happened? You hurt? Who fell?

Nobody, Dad.

Nobody fell? No.

Samantha, I'd appreciate you don't make that noise anymore

unless somebody's actually falling down the stairs.

Tony, have you seen my black pants?

Yes, they're downstairs in the dryer.

Thank you.

What is going on here?

Nothing. Oh.

[THUDDING]

Angela?

ANGELA: Don't be mad, Tony. I really did fall.

Oh, good.

Uh, are you okay?

ANGELA: I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

[MUMBLES]

What's this thing?

It's all Bonnie's stuff.

Too bad it wasn't Bonnie.

Are you ki--? Wai-- Whoa, whoa. Wai-- What--?

I thought you two were best friends.

Dad, she chose someone else to be her lab partner.

Oh, juvenile crime, where will it end?

Ha. Very funny.

I got stuck doing my chemistry project

with Mad Morris Pretorius. Boy Genius.

He couldn't just do the assignment.

He had to invent new hand cream.

We flunked.

Samantha, your hands are blue.

But incredibly soft.

This is all Bonnie's fault. Heh.

I am never going to forgive her.

Oh, come on. I'm sorry--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that's Bonnie.

I could tell by the obnoxious ring.

Oh, come on.

Hi, Bonnie. How you doing? Hi, Mr. Micelli.

Nice gloves.

Dad, would you tell my former friend

that this is all the stuff I ever borrowed from her,

and I would appreciate it very much

if she would eat worms and die?

As you may have heard-- Heh.

Thank you, and you can give your daughter this.

Tell her she's acting incredibly immature

and I never wanna see

her stupid, ugly, putrid face again.

Ooh, ooh. It's great when friends open up to each other.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah? Well, if you are gonna be like that,

then I'm taking back the gray sweater I promised you.

You can't do that. I already bought the skirt

to go with it. Tough.

It's mine! No, it's mine!

It's mine! No, it's mine!

No, come on, girls. Come on. Stop it. Stop it.

Hey, wait a minute, it's mine.

I don't want that sweater. It's all stretched out.

Yeah, sure. Typical custody battle.

It's always the sweater that suffers.

Goodbye, forever.

Forever isn't long enough.

[SCOFFS]

I am never going to speak to her again.

And I mean it.

Come on now, Sam.

You can't hold a grudge.

Let bygones be bygones.

Forgive and forget, baby.

Right, just like you always do, right, Dad?

Well, I do. That's the way I live my life.

Now, what about Mickey Callahan?

Well, he's different.

He's swamp slime, heh.

Kidding me? After all the things he's done to me in school. Pfft.

But anyway, Samantha, we got together a few years ago.

We straightened that thing out.

Oh, what did you say?

Well, I didn't actually say anything.

It was more of a gesture. Heh.

Just like a parent.

You tell your kid to do something

and you can't even do it yourself.

Oh, yeah, Samantha? I can't do it?

I can do it, Samantha. Watch.

I forgive him. Heh.

See, I fee-- It was easy.

And I feel so much better. Heh.

Okay. I forgive Bonnie.

That's my girl.

You know what I think you should do?

Give her a call. Go ahead.

You know, Dad, you are right. I think I will.

Just as soon as you call ol' Mick.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe I'm wasting a perfectly good Saturday

playing host to old swamp slime, Mickey Callahan.

You're making peace with your past,

you're setting a wonderful example for your daughter.

Have you seen the key to the silver cabinet?

Angela, Angela, you don't have to worry about the silver.

He was never into stealing.

His big thing was beating people up.

Tony, come on.

The man can't be as bad as you remember.

Oh, yeah? He had a very violent temper.

Ooh. One time, he put a fist

right through a plate glass window.

Oh, that must have hurt.

Yeah, it was my fist.

All because I happen to mention

that he got left back in kindergarten

and that he was a dog-faced potato brain.

Some people are so touchy. Unbelievable.

[SCOFFS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's him, Angela.

I know this is a bad idea.

Tony, everything's gonna be fine. I'm sure he's changed.

He's probably grown up to be a perfectly respectable hit man.

[SCOFFS]

You're a priest.

Either that or I'm hopelessly out of style.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, come on, Mickey.

You're putting me on.

You know, I probably should've told you over the phone,

but I had to see the look on your face.

That one. Ha-ha-ha.

You weren't disappointed. Come in.

No, not at all.

This was better than when I put the cherry bomb

in your lunchbox.

Heh, yeah. Heh, heh.

Ah, what a little rascal I was. Yeah, yeah.

That's what the DA said. Come in, come in.

I want you to meet my boss. This is Angela Bower.

Angela, this is Mickey-- Um...

Well, this is Father...

Father Mickey?

Mickey's fine. Mickey's just fine.

Or you can call me Your Sainted Holiness.

Oh, it's very nice to meet you.

I've heard so much about you.

All good I hope.

Oh, of course.

You wouldn't lie to a priest now, would you?

Well, I'm not really Catholic.

[TONY & MICKEY LAUGHING]

Come on. Sit down, sit down. Yes, please.

[GASPS] [SIGHS]

I'll tell you,

I did give Tony a tough time when we were kids.

But that's all holy water under the bridge.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You know, I don't mean to sound irreverent,

but how did this happen?

Isn't the priesthood a little selective?

Well, you know the Church has this thing

about redeeming sinners,

and I'll tell you the truth, it wasn't easy.

I spent a lot of years searching, questioning,

beating people up.

But I'll tell you, through he grace of God,

and my parole officer,

I found my calling, and now I've dedicated my life

to helping others.

What an inspirational story.

A wayward boy fighting his way up from the streets

to become a man of the cloth.

It would make a wonderful miniseries.

You think Richard Chamberlain's available?

[ANGELA & MICKEY CHUCKLING]

Hey, Dad, when do we got to see old swamp slime?

Hi.

That's my daughter. Heh.

[♪♪♪]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh. One of our better pranks.

Yeah. Well, technically, it was a felony.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

We got away with murder.

[LAUGHING]

It's just a figure of speech, Angela. Heh.

I knew that.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, I'll never forget the time

you put Alka-Seltzer into the alter wine.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah. I invented the first wine cooler.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, you know,

the nuns went and blamed me for that.

Yeah, they did, but I don't want anybody to worry

because I got even.

You beat up a nun?

No. No, no, no.

I stole his clothes out of his locker after the big game.

[ANGELA CHUCKLES]

Wait a minute. That was you?

I shalt not lie. Heh. TONY: Whoo.

Children can be so cruel.

Yeah, isn't it fun?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You could've at least left me with a towel.

I had to go home wearing the Daily News.

Ha-ha-ha. That must have been some subway ride home, huh?

Actually, nobody noticed.

Except this one lady.

She kept staring at my business section. Ooh.

[ALL LAUGH]

Hey, come on, we must be boring everybody here

with our stories. Oh, not me.

Mom, can I go to Catholic school?

[TONY & MICKEY CHUCKLE]

No.

I-- I mean, we'll think about it. Heh.

Hey, Sam, I hope you can see

that two people can patch up their differences

and become best of friends.

Right, Father? Heh-heh-heh. I'm sorry.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Honey, doesn't that make you wanna run out

and make up with Bonnie?

Yeah. As soon as she joins a convent.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

Let me get some of this stuff out of here.

Give you a hand. All right.

Oh, Father, please, you're our guest.

Oh, that's okay, Angela,

he's dedicated his life to helping others.

[CHUCKLES]

Cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter.

Mathew 23:26.

Oh, well, then, ye shall rinse and I shall load.

Micelli... 8:52.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yeah. You like that. I like it. I like it.

[LAUGHING]

[TONY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY THEN LAUGHING]

Hey, Tony,

I'm really glad we decided to get together.

Yeah.

I'll tell you,

it feels really good to talk about old times.

You know, confession, it's good for the soul.

But, hey, that's your gig. Ha-ha-ha.

And I'll tell you, it's very purifying too.

Wait'll you hear the one about the eighth grade election.

Wait a minute. Are you talking about the one

where I ran for president?

Yeah, remember you put up that big poster

that said "Tony is a champ"?

Yeah, yeah, and somebody came along and changed it

to "Tony is a chimp."

[LAUGHING]

[MIMICKING A MONKEY]

It was you, huh?

They called me Bonzo for the rest of the year.

[LAUGHING]

I couldn't go anywhere near the monkey bars.

[LAUGHING]

Pretty funny, huh?

Oh, what? Come on.

Don't tell me you didn't know it was me?

Heh. To tell you the truth, it never occurred to me

that you would come up with something so clever.

[CHUCKLING]

What'd you mean by that?

Well...

I mean, it must have taken a lot of thought,

and heaven knows, that's not your strong suit.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So, what are you saying?

I'm dumb?

No, I'd never say that.

But you don't get left back in kindergarten

for being a genius. Heh.

Yeah, well, you know, I happen to have a perfectly good reason

for that, my son.

You, uh...

You flunked sandbox? Heh.

Look, I wasn't dumb, okay. On my records it just said

I happen to have some underdeveloped social skills.

That's nun talk for dumb. Heh.

You haven't changed, have you?

You-- You know, because of you I was taunted and ridiculed

all through school.

But only by the smart kids. Heh.

Yeah, well, at least I didn't walk on all fours.

Oh.

Well, here's your question.

When did you start counting so high? Ha-ha-ha.

You know something?

Because of you I was called every name in the book.

They called me stupid and dum-dum

and melon head and...

A dog-faced potato brain.

[GRUNTS]

Come on, get up, banana breath! What are you, a man or a monkey?

Get up! What's going on?

Father.

TONY: Ooh.

Tony, are you all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

He was...

He was just blessing my face.

You hit him?

Well, now, I don't know very much

about the priesthood,

but aren't you supposed to be nice?

What--? What kind of priest are you?

Apparently not much of one.

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you okay? No.

I just ruined a priest.

Well, let me see. Ow!

All right, all right. I'll get some ice.

Good, I'll need it where I'm going.

[SCATTING]

Okay, sweetheart.

What would you like for breakfast?

Tony.

No, no, sweetheart.

Tony is sleeping late,

but I'll make you anything you want.

You can have eggs Benedict or eggs Florentine...

Egg McMuffin.

It's a good choice.

Bring one back for me. Okay.

Oh, hi, Tony. Hi, Jon.

Morning, Angela.

Uh, can I make you some breakfast?

No, thanks, Angela, I feel bad enough already.

I'll tell you, boy. What kind of a person am I?

I mean, I-- I started out trying to teach my daughter a lesson,

I end up ruining the life of a man of God.

Oh, Tony, that could happen to anyone.

So, do you really think I can wear my skirt

with your polka dot sweater?

Yeah, it'll be a great combination.

Just like us. Aw.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

Wait a minute here. I thought you two

were never gonna speak to each other forever.

It's been a whole week.

Yeah, Dad, it's just like you said.

Let bygones be bygones.

I used to be so smart.

Dad, I hope you've learned a lesson from all this.

The next time you call a priest potato brain, duck.

Words to live by. Hmm.

SAMANTHA: See you later. Bye, sweetheart.

Bye, girls. SAMANTHA: Bye, Angela.

BONNIE: Bye.

Come on, Tony, don't be so down on yourself.

It's not your fault.

Come on. Now, World War II wasn't my fault.

Candy Spinoza getting pregnant wasn't my fault.

Probably.

But getting hit my Mickey Callahan was my fault.

I provoked him.

Tony, he's a priest.

He should be able to have self-control.

Angela, enough's enough. Priests are just human.

That's why they got cold showers in the rectory there, hey.

Well, he has a short fuse.

You know, if he hadn't hit you, he might have hit someone else.

Maybe even a nun.

Yeah. Heh. Although, she'd hit him back.

Heh. Yeah.

And he'd have deserved it.

What kind of a priest is he anyway?

Yeah.

[PHONE RINGING]

Mickey Callahan, man of the cloth. Ha.

I've got socks holier than him, huh.

Hello.

Yes.

No, we don't.

It's about Father Callahan.

Tell them to call Dial-A-Prayer.

Last rites?

Oh, God, I killed him.

Father Callahan didn't die. It was Ed O'Shaunessey.

Oh, good. I mean, not good.

Who's Ed O'Shaunessey?

Some guy who died.

They couldn't find Father Callahan for last rites.

Can I have the phone, please?

Hey, look, pal--

Oh, Your Eminence.

Excuse me.

Ah. Yeah, well, I'm sorry

that Father Callahan didn't make Ed's last rites

Or the orphans' picnic.

Oh, and tonight's the senior citizens' spaghetti dinner, huh?

Well, I'm sorry about that--

Well, sure, I know how to make spaghetti. Are you kidding me?

I'm Italian. Yeah, my name's Tony Micelli.

Yeah.

I am the one who put the Alka-Seltzer in the altar wine.

What a memory.

Yeah, well, I guess I do owe you one there, Father.

Okay, see you later.

Well, Angela, looks like we're making spaghetti

for the senior citizens.

Oh, I'll make the sauce.

I've got a great recipe

right here. Angela, Angela, Angela.

These people are old enough already.

We don't want this to be their last supper. Come on.

Father Callahan has never been this late before.

He'd better get here soon. I have to eat.

What's the rush, Ralph?

You've got a hot date after supper?

After supper, after Ted Koppel, and after breakfast.

Oh, excuse me, folks.

Is this where the spaghetti dinner is?

Yeah, but you're not senior citizens,

and you can't have any of our food.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

No, no. We're not here to eat, sir.

We're here to cook you

an authentic Italian spaghetti dinner.

Where's Father Callahan? Who are you?

And who's the tomato?

Oh, ha.

Well, thank you.

I'm Angela Bower.

What are you doing after Ted Koppel?

He talks big,

but he hasn't scored since the shuffleboard match

of '79.

You ought to know.

Don't change the subject.

I want to know what happened to Father Callahan.

He is all right, isn't he?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's fine. He's--

He's never been stronger.

But something important came up, and he couldn't make it.

What's more important than spaghetti?

Bran.

Nobody cooks like Father Callahan.

It's not just his cooking.

He listens to us, he helps us out.

He's our friend.

And he's not a bad little dancer.

He taught me to play racquetball.

And he doesn't throw the game. Heh.

I have to beat him fair and square.

And he offered me his kidney.

I don't know why. I don't have kidney trouble.

This doesn't sound like the Mickey Callahan

you had a fight with.

No, no--

You had a fight with Father Callahan?

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you, Angela.

Oh, no, Tony. Don't worry about it.

I'll straighten everything out.

You see, it all started

when Tony and Father Callahan were friends in school.

Well, they weren't exactly friends.

You see, in those days Tony was a little devil,

and Father Callahan wasn't a holy man.

As a matter of fact, he was more like a holy terror.

Well, that was just because he was sensitive

about being left back in kindergarten.

You know, I always thought he was little slow

calling out those bingo balls.

And then, uh, Samantha, that's Tony's daughter,

had a fight with her friend. Tony wanted to set an example--

Angela, Angela, Angela, could we please get on with this?

Then, wham! He hit him.

You hit a holy man?

[GRUNTS]

No, I hit him.

Well, that's settled. Let's eat.

Oh.

Hey, Mick.

Father Callahan?

I've come to say goodbye.

RALPH: What?

I'm not fit to lead this parish.

You can't leave.

Tony, talk to him. Mick. Mick, wait a minute.

Look, I have no choice.

I was given a test last night, and I failed.

Yeah, we heard, you weren't much of a student.

Tony, listen to me.

What happened last night between us

made me realize I haven't changed.

I'm still Knuckles Callahan, the Brooklyn Bully.

And you're always gonna be that to me,

but not to these people.

Now, come on, wait a minute.

Hey, take a look at those faces.

Come on, they depend on you, Mick.

They need you.

The orphans need you.

Ed O'Shaunessey--

Well, he doesn't need you anymore, but--

But a lot of people need you.

Yeah. Who's gonna absolve me of all my sins?

You wish.

What about me?

What at if my kidneys go? You're carrying my spare.

And, Father, may I point out that if you leave this parish,

this man is gonna feel guilty forever.

MICKEY: Hmm.

That's tempting. Tsk, pfft.

I don't know.

I'm just so confused.

[SIGHS] If I only knew what his plan was for me.

If I only had a sign.

Hey, Father.

Where do you want me to put this sign?

That's it. It's a sign.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

He's all-knowing

and he's got a sense of humor too.

Are you staying, Father Callahan?

What do you say, Mick?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLING]

You know, Tony, I gotta tell you.

Job was tested by plague, and pestilence and boils,

but he never had to deal with you.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, well, you know, you're not romping the Red Sea yourself.

[CHUCKLING]

Isn't this wonderful. Well, you're no--

Two old friends reunited.

I think after spaghetti we should all go out

and talk about old times. Ah.

Hold it here, Angela.

I mean, now that the Father and I--

The good Father and I are so close,

I think we can agree on one thing.

That, uh, we shouldn't see each other anymore.

You're a wise man there, Tony Micelli. Heh.

That's why I made it through kindergarten

on the first try.

[TONY CHUCKLES] [MICKEY GRUNTS]

Bless you. Bless you.

[MICKEY CHUCKLES]

Look, here's a very nice sweater.

Now, why is Tony giving this one away?

Heh. It's a victim of teenage violence.

Mother, it's all stretched out of shape.

Hmm. Not stretched out of my shape.

Should we take this stuff out now?

No, I think we should wait for Tony.

He's still cleaning out Mom's closet.

Well, I'm a very careful shopper.

There's nothing in my closet to give away.

JONATHAN: Mm.

[GRUNTS]

What happened? Who fell?

[BOTH PANTING]

Heh. Nobody. Ha, ha.

You scared the living daylights out of us.

Oh, sorry.

Dad, don't you ever make that noise again

unless you've actually fallen down the stairs.

Well, I'm very sorry ladies.

[SCREAMS]

["BRAND NEW LIFE" PLAYING]

Captions: M.P.